The Adaptation of Life

I Walk By Faith

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 04:26:00 +0000

Tonight was our New Beginnings program for the Young Women. It was a really great program with a lot good things being done by the girls themselves. One part of the program was a performance by all the YW (and the leaders, e.g. me) of a song called "I Walk by Faith." I really like this song, but i have to admit I mostly think of it as a lot of cheesiness and fluff. I sang it when I was a Young Women and never took it seriously.

As I sang the song with these beautiful girls, the words struck me in a new way. I wondered if they would ever understand how much the words of this song could mean to them in the future:

I walk by faith, a daughter of Heavenly parents.
Divine am I in nature by inheritance
And someday when God has proven me
I'll see Him face to face

I wondered which girl would need to remember these words as she dealt with the pain of losing a loved one. I wondered which girl would need that extra courage as she explained to her children why the baby they had been told about wouldn't actually be coming. I wondered which girl would need it as she dealt with infections that landed her in the hospital just days after her baby was born. Which one would need it when she sat alone through another sacrament talk about marriage? Which one would need it when the doctor told her she could never have children? Which one would need it as she reached for a family member who'd fallen into a life of sin? Which one would need it to face a needy three year old and a screaming baby? Which one would need it as she realized that no matter what she did she never liked the reflection in the mirror? Which one would need it when her husband lost his job and suddenly she had to become the primary breadwinner, working two jobs and still mothering? Which one would need it as she held her stillborn son and said goodbye?

These are moments I never thought about when I sang that song as a young girl. The idyllic life I envisioned never included the types of trials that I have seen happen to people I care about, it never included the trials that I've faced in my own life. I thought that the line about God "proving me" meant that as long as I did the right things, I could choose my way back to God. I was blissfully unaware of this simple truth:

Life is so beautiful, but it can also be so very hard.

Each of the situations I thought about came to mind because of the women I know who are facing them right now (and those are just the ones I know about). I listened to these young women sing words that strengthen the soul of someone in pain. How will they deal with these trials when they inevitably face them? How can we expect them to trust a God who doesn't always protect them from difficult experiences? And I thought about each woman I know who is dealing with her own pain, her own struggle. How do we make it?

Yes, just for here and now, I walk by faith.

CJ's First Snow

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 16:05:00 +0000

We're enjoying a day inside today. It snowed a little bit last night, followed by rain, so it's a little icy outside. We haven't ventured out - CJ has a little cold and is still running a fever from her immunizations - but I thought this would be a good time to show you the cutest little snow angel.

A week or so ago we got the lightest dusting of snow, but it was CJ's first time, so we got bundled up and went out to play. We didn't stay out very long, but we both had fun (and Daddy too!).

Seeing snow for the first time:

Catching snow in our mouths - she caught on quick!

Waving to Daddy

Welcoming Daddy home

Enjoying the snow falling!

My little snow angel

The E.R.B. Annual Report

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 03:52:00 +0000

In lieu of Christmas cards, we prefer to get provide a business update.You can view the entire report by clicking here and downloading the original. Or you can check out the jpeg versions below.
Enjoy!

Inconsequential Good News or the Bad News First?

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 20:58:00 +0000

The Good News, okay. Jeremy and I got to go on a date last night. I even left CJ (sleeping) with one of the young women from my ward. I wanted to surprise Jeremy and take him to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. We were so excited and eveyrthing worked out for us to go.

The Bad News: the movie was SOLD OUT!! :-( Such a bummer. The next one wasn't until 3 hours later. But there were still tickets available to see The Iron Lady (a Margaret Thatcher biopic). I wanted to see that anyway, so we got those tickets.

Worse News: The Iron Lady was awful. At least 50% of the story focused on MT's old age and her current life (she is still alive). It made her seem out of it, a little crazy, and tried to blame it on her high-profile life. Her story is so amazing, if they had actually tried to tell that the movie would have been good. The parts of the movie that were focused on her political life were awesome. And in my opinion really sold the vision of a conservative government. Too bad they had to ruin it by trying to guess what her life is like in her old age.

All in all, fun to hang out with Jeremy, but so mad that we used our movie passes on this movie.

A Year

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 03:55:00 +0000

I was rocking CJ to bed on Friday (her birthday) and I tears just wouldn't stop coming. I thought about how many times I had dreamed about rocking my baby. I cried for the pain of empty arms and for people I know who are still waiting for babies to fill their arms. I cried for the amazing little person in my arms. She has changed our life and our marriage. I wrote a post when I was pregnant about how having a baby doesn't cure infertility or the pain from it - which is true - but a year of incredible happiness goes a long way to dulling the pain.

My CJ is the most amazing thing in the world, and the year she has been with us has brought us more happiness than we thought possible. I love her so much. Is it wrong that I could gush on and on and on about her? Oh well, I'll post more pictures of her Birthday and Party-day soon, but I just wanted to get down on paper (figuratively) how I feel about this milestone.

11 Months

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 03:44:00 +0000

As crazy as it sounds, my baby is almost a year old. For now, I'm glad it is still just 11 months. She is so cute, but getting harder to photograph. I managed to get a few good pictures:

CJ Learns to Bark

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 03:00:00 +0000

If cuteness could cure allergies, then maybe some day we'd get a dog. ;-)

Little Pumpkin

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 01:29:00 +0000

This is so late, but I made (with a lot of help from my friend Sarah) CJ's Halloween costume. I wanted to take a similar picture to one from my first Halloween.

Here's my picture:

I finally got a picture of CJ in her costume:

Once again I can't believe how much she looks like me.

Memory 7/30 The Pit Song

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 22:38:00 +0000

My first year of Girl's Camp was actually spent in Texas with my cousin Rachel. I went to visit for a while and it happened to overlap with her girl's camp and I was old enough to go. It was great to have a new experience and it was good to have it with my only cousin really close to my age.

The next year she ended up being in Idaho during my Girls Camp and came with me. I barely remember the specifics of each Girls Camp year (though there are moments I remember - but differentiating the years is getting more difficult) (must be my age), but I do remember vividly the song she had taught me and the tradition that it spawned.

This memory is about the Pit Dance and the Beef Song. Every year, each ward would prepare a pit dinner. We started the day by digging a big pit, then we lined it with rocks and started a fire. The fire would burn for a long time, until the rocks were all hot. Then we put a beef roast wrapped in burlap, with wire handles wrapped around and sticking up, and bury it in the pit. It was covered with the hot rocks and dirt. The roast would spend all afternoon cooking in our pit. The most important component of a successful pit dinner was the hourly Pit Dance we would do.

It was all based around this song

Oh A Lay Lay (Oh A Lay Lay)
A Chitty Chitty Tomba (A Chitty Chitty Tomba)
A Mosa Mosa Mosa (A Mosa Mosa Mosa)
Oh A Lay Ba Lu Ah Ba Lu Ay
(Repeat)

Every hour we would go over to where our roast was buried, get in a circle and do the Pit Dance. It was kind if like follow the leader. We'd all repeat not just what the leader said, but how they said it, including actions. Sometimes we got a little crazy and silly, trying to come up with something different then the person who went before you. Once we went around the whole circle, we'd all stop, face the circle, and wave our hands at the rising stream of smoke and chant, "Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef." Then all together, "It's what's for dinner." (I know it sounds silly, but I loved that part of Girls Camp.) We had so much fun doing this little tradition. And it all started because of my trip to Texas.

CJ is 10 Months Old (Okay, 10 1/2)

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 01:49:00 +0000

In the midst of our move, CJ turned 10 months. Her photo shoots are getting more difficult because she just wants to play with the paper, crawl away, or eat the frog. Still, it is worth trying because she is sooooo cute.

Memory 6/30 Be Still My Soul

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 02:31:00 +0000

As a note, I realize that I probably won't get all the memories in before my birthday, but I've decided to "give myself some grace." So I'm not going to sweat it and just get them done as I can. I set this goal and then we went and moved to a new place, which I'm still unpacking, and tonight I am taking a break to do a post.

This memory is about one of my best guy friends, Edgar. He is amazing. I've written about him before, and I could probably dedicate all 30 memories to the fun and wonderful times we had. There was the day we met at the Ricks College pool (I'm pretty sure we were 14), and he fell for my friend Shaylee. ;-) I could write about late nights spent talking, days spent on my parents carpet, Sunday dinners, dates, dances, lunches, scenarios (now that may make another blog post another time. I still have a "scenario" that Edgar wrote for me...) and the list could go on and on. This memory came to me at Church last week. I have a schedule for all the other memories, but I decided to throw this one out there out of order.

Edgar was the first of my core group of friends to leave on a mission. He served in McAllen, Texas and was a wonderful missionary. When they used to do farewells, the departing missionary got to pick the music and speakers and basically set up the whole program for the sacrament meeting he or she spoke in. Edgar asked his friends to sing at his farewell. As far as I remember it was me, Elaine, Dave, and Jared. I think Melanie may have been there, but I can't clearly remember. I'm not sure if there was anyone else. Anyway, we practiced at my house before the big day. It was hard to make it through the song because Dave and Jared were goofing off. We were worried about how the actual day would go.

When we stood up in front of the congregation I was nervous, but then the beautiful music started. We were singing the hymn Be Still My Soul. It goes like this:

We sounded almost that good. Maybe.

Anyway, by the time we were singing the second verse, Jared and Dave were crying and not really singing. Big tears. When we got to the third verse, I was barely getting any words out through the tears. I'm pretty sure Elaine had to carry us through the end, which is probably okay, since she has a great voice.

The third verse goes like this

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I think it is the last line that got to my 18 year old self. At that time the two years of a mission seemed like it would last forever. I could hardly believe that one of my best friends was going to be gone so long. Truth be told it was the end of an era. Things were never really the same after Edgar left on his mission. Maybe it is because I was really bad at writing letters, or it could be because I got dumped by my boyfriend while he was on his mission (long story) and went off the deep end for a little while. I'm just glad that Edgar and I have stayed friends for so long.

Now I have a different perspective on what it means to "meet at last," but I will never forget standing up and bawling while we sang goodbye to Edgar.

I am His Daughter

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 03:26:00 +0000

I am staying at a friends house for a few days while we wait to move in to our new place (Yay!). I was hanging out with their 8 year old duaghter and she asked if I wanted to hear her favorite song. I said of course, but only if she'd sing it to me too.

So she went to YouTube and pulled up this song that I'd never heard and sang it to me. She stopped in the middle and looked at me and said, "Sometimes when I sing this song it touches me and I cry a little."

Of course I teared up listening to this wonderful little girl sing this beautiful message. I looked at her and realized how much I have to learn about God's love for me and my worth in His eyes. I really am His daughter and that alone gives me value and worth no matter what. I know that sometimes EFY songs can be a little trite, but i hope she never forgets the meaning of the words she was singing. Also, I made her promise to teach them to CJ.

First Halloween

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 03:46:00 +0000

Our little goober didn't go trick or treating this year - she was tuckered out and in bed before we could get dressed up. But we did get all decked out for our Church trunk-or-treat on Saturday.

I told Jeremy that she was going as the Great Pumpkin - and he didn't know what I was talking about. Apparently he's never seen the Halloween or Thanksgiving Charlie Brown's!!! Something I am determined to fix this year. So we went as Linus, Sally, and The Great Pumpkin. CJ's costume is a re-creation of a costume I wore for my 1st Halloween many moons ago. Tomorrow I'll post some comparison pictures.

Tonight Happy All Hallows Eve!

Consignment Sale

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 03:36:00 +0000

This weekend we was the big Kid's Stuff Consignment Sale for the Methodist Church near our Church building. I went to the one they had in April and it was awesome, so I was excited to consign a few things and get CJ some new (to us) stuff. My friend Patti and her husband Jon came from Maryland (I just went back and forth about typing up or down from Maryland - so I left it out) to go with me to the sale and have brunch.

I got to go to a pre-sale because I was volunteering to help. When I dropped off the items I was consigning I laid eyes on an awesome stand-up and play table that had a little piano on one side. My goal was to get that for CJ. But I failed, because by the time I got to the pre-sale (ten minutes after it started) the piano was gone. Big bummer, but I did get a bunch of other awesome toys, a new diaper bag, and cute clothes. On Saturday I went to help with the takedown. They do a cool thing for the volunteers after all the consigners have picked up the items they want back and regular customers have left, they sell you a bag for $5 and anything you can stuff in there you can take home. So over the two days I went to the sale I spent $55 and got all this great stuff (most of the clothes are from the bag sale!!!).
New diaper bag

Melissa and Doug puzzle - this baby was only $3 and it's awesome.

These come up and you hammer them down, turn over and repeat. Hours of fun!

Another Melissa and Doug creation. Cute little bird house with 4 little birds in different shapes, they all make different noises, and CJ already loves this.

A piano - it desperately needs new batteries. You know the sad noise electronics start to make when they batteries are dying? This piano sounds that way. But CJ has still had fun playing it.

Sweet building blocks for CJ *couch*Jeremy*cough*

These are little fuzzy bowling pins and a little balls so CJ can learn what real bowling is before she learns Wii bowling.

Books! Jeremy had never heard of Chicka, Chicka. But I love it. Like we always tell CJ, books are the best toys.

New, never used washcloths

Tennies for next year

Snow suit, hopefully for this year (well maybe by January it will fit.)

And CJ's new clothes. Some for now, most to grow in to.

I love getting great things for great prices!

Memory 5/30 Dying on Picture Day

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 16:19:00 +0000

For picture day my sophomore year, things turned out pretty well.
See:

You can see my cute freckles and my long luscious hair. Yearbook looked good at the end of the year.

At the beginning of my Junior year we had a friend living with us named Grant. He played football, loved my mom, and claimed to have some hair dying skills. The night before school started, I decided that I wanted to get some highlights. Did you know you can buy a cap and hook and do highlights at home? Well you can. The cap looks like this:

Those circles are meant to be a guide, so you can pull hair through from all over your head and put the highlights where you want them. So I donned the cap and Grant volunteered to start pulling hair through.

It takes a while to pull hair through, but when he was finally done, it seemed like a lot of hair was pulled through the cap, but Grant said to trust him. So I did. He applied the dye and we tied a plastic bag over my head and waited. I didn't want to wash it off too early and have it not look blonde, so when we checked and it still looked brown we waited a few extra minutes. Finally we washed off the smelly, bleachy, dye, It looked pretty light after being toweled off, but I was still hopeful. I sent everyone out and blow-dried my new hair. It definitely turned blonde, but sadly there were no highlights. There were lots of roots, a little dark hair underneath and a whole lot of blonde. At first I wanted to cry, but everyone said it looked great (liars). Except Grant - he just said sorry.

That is why my Junior year picture looks like this:

Yes I'm wearing a sleeveless shirt (modesty was not my strong suit in High School - as you'll notice when I start posting dance pictures). Yes, my eyebrows are still dark and look awful with the blonde hair. Still, I kind of pull it off, right? I can't remember how long I left it this way (not long), but it will be forever saved for posterity because of picture day.

(Note: I just spell-checked this post and apparently Google does not like "blonde.")

Memory 4/30 Talent Sprouts

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 04:33:00 +0000

Did you know that I used to love to perform? From a very early age:

That's me at the Madison County Fair, winking and singing "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No" from Oklahoma. Very Toddlers and Tiaras of me, right? I'm pretty sure I was around 3 or 4 and everybody clapped for me and I caught the performing bug.

In Elementary school I participated in the talent show, singing my favorite song (at the time) "Part of Your World." I dressed up like a mermaid (sort of) and included a conch shell so everyone would know I was under the sea.

I rocked the song by the way.

So my memory is of the performing group I was part of, Talent Sprouts. Thank you Diane White.

We used to go to the old tabernacle in Rexburg and practice in groups, mostly segregated according to age. I love being in Talent Sprouts. Singing was so much better than playing the piano (stay tuned for piano memory), mostly because practicing was so much easier.

Every year talent Sprouts would put on a concert and show off all we learned. We had awesome outfits and an awesome vibe.

See:

Yes that is me doing the awesome actions. And this is me performing my part:

I remember my very last Talent Sprouts practice. We got to the tabernacle and I tried really hard not to cry. We'd just had our big performance the weekend before. I couldn't believe my life as a Talent Sprout was ending. I had been in this little group for more than half my life. (Which granted wasn't that long at that point - I think I was 12.)

At the last practice we sang our theme song

Talents are sprouting about
you're a Talent Sprout
And there's no reason to pout
we'll give a talent shout

So those words are what I remember, but it doesn't sound exactly right. Any other talent sprouters remember the words?

At the end of practice, Mrs. White handed out certificates. She gave me mine and it said, "To my longest student." (or something close). I also got a trophy. I'm not sure why, but we got trophy's and they got bigger the longer you were in the group. My last trophy was the tallest one she had, and I thin I finally was okay with growing out of Talent Sprouts.

Of course this training went on to serve me well when I sang at the Idaho State Fair and for my talent as a Jr. Miss contestant (a future post!).

Sadly, somewhere along the way I got self conscious (or maybe faced reality) and now I don't love singing in public so much. I always felt a little inferior, especially when I used to compare myself to this:

Now I'm most of the time just grateful that I'm me, and that I get to clap and cheer for very talented people!

Memory 3/30 Kevin's Bunny

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 03:09:00 +0000

I can barely remember the details of this memory, except that even thinking about it brings back the same emotions. I don't know how old Kevin was or why in the world he had a bunny - but he was definitely young - probably around 6. He was keeping a bunny in a cage on our back patio. I'm not an animal person, but I guess the bunny was cute

One night, as it is wont to do in Rexburg, the temperature dipped. The next morning I remember sitting up at the kitchen counter eating breakfast. Mom was doing something in the kitchen and sweet little Kevin came walking up the stairs holding his bunny.

In my memory, the conversation went like this:

Kevin: "Mom, something is wrong with bunny." (As his eyes start to well up) "He's not moving."

Mom goes over to look and sees the bunny is frozen. She starts to tear up too.

Mom: I'm sorry sweetie. The bunny didn't stay warm enough last night. He's not going to be okay.

Kevin (Full crocodile tears): Can we just warm him up in the microwave and he'll be okay Mom. I think he just needs me to warm him up.

Mom (full crocodile tears too - plus me crying in the background): He won't be okay honey. He died and warming him up won't bring him back.

Kevin: Can we just try mom? I don't want him to die. (Buries his head in mom's shoulder, sobbing)

I came over and joined in the sobbing hug. It was so sad. Poor little Kevin (and poor little bunny).

The only other time I've seen my little brother and Mom cry together like that was when we had to put our cat, Amy, down because she was so sick and in pain (h/t Charley). The only other time I've cared as much about an animal was when Powder ran away/was stolen and Aliyah tried to call him home.

Happy Birthday to You!

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 19:50:00 +0000

Yesterday was Jeremy's birthday -one of my favorite days of the year! Jeremy wrote up all of the fun on his blog: http://erbreport.blogspot.com/2011/10/birthday-bananza.html. He included pictures of my first ever attempt at a homemade cake. It has been a while since we had birthday cake at our house, but this turned out yummy (except the frosting. Jeremy loved it I really didn't) even though it photographs better with the lights off ;-)

This has been quite the year for Jeremy: new house, new job, new baby, new Master's program. He's handled everything amazingly well (no surprise) and he has worked hard to put me and CJ first. I love him so much and I am so grateful he was born! Thanks Ruthie!

Random Catch-up

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 13:33:00 +0000

I had some CJ pictures that I've been meaning to share, so this post is all pictures with captions. Enjoy!

Back in August, we took CJ to the closest park and let her swing for the first time:

In September, we got messy while eating Mango-Cauliflower-Broccoli from the mesh feeder. She loved it!

CJ next to Baby Jackson. She used to be even tinier than he is. Can you believe how much she's grown?

My parents were at a business meeting in Florida, and their return flight had a long layover at Reagan. So we got to see Grandpa and Wada for Sunday dinner!

CJ playing the piano - trying to be like Daddy (fingers crossed!).

Playing with Lucy at playgroup

Our new mom group from Church visited the George Washington Masonic Memorial. I've been there before, but others hadn't. When I was getting ready to leave I couldn't find my keys so I made us late. And we missed the tour. Later I found the keys in the diaper bag, of course. Thanks for being so nice Gwen!

CJ eating breakfast - hard-boiled eggs and cheerios.

I took CJ to Babies-R-Us and she did not want to sit in the seat. There is a strap around her neck and she kept twisting to turn around and getting caught in it. Eventually she settled down. She loved looking at the Sing-a-Ma-Jigs - maybe a Christmas toy, we'll see.

CJ is 9 months old

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 03:55:00 +0000

We could barely get her to sit down long enough for a few pictures, let alone get a sign in front of her. Which turns out to be okay since Jeremy made the sign and I just noticed in the few pictures it is in that he still thinks she is 8 months old, but these are her 9 month pictures. :-) If only keeping her little were that easy - she's growing so fast! She honestly is even more beautiful in person, but these pictures sure are cute. She is so smiley. We're still working on sleeping, but she is still very happy and playful. She loved to "honk" your nose. She signs more, milk, and all done. She loves to wave to the family pictures on the wall. And she has the best giggle I've ever heard. Oh man, I love this little goober!

Memories 2/30 Family Reunion Hike

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 04:03:00 +0000

I need to pick up the pace if I'm going to get 30 memories up here.

So here is number 2:

During a Sorensen family reunion (I think it was a Binny Sorensen Reunion (my great-grandpa)) in Orderville, Utah, my cousin Deanna took us for an amazing hike. The red rock in southern Utah is gorgeous and this hike was especially beautiful because it wasn't a touristy hike it was a locals only hike. I was excited to go, but it ended up being a lot more strenuous than I imagined.

It wasn't until we were well into the hike that we were informed that there were "a few spots" where we had to cross small crevices (jeremy and I just had a long discussion about whether this was a crevice or crevasse, but according to Grammerist,crevice it is) by keeping our feet on one side of the wall and our bums or hands on the other.

Like this:

I thought that was a little crazy, but everyone else seemed to be doing fine. It was a little hard to stay balanced the whole time and I remember that Deanna ended up staying in the middle so people could REST ON HER. She is so tough! Alas, i didn't calculate very well and as luck would have it my legs were too short to reach from one end to the other the whole way across. I'm not short, but I do have a very long torso and pretty short legs. I made it about 1/2 way there, but I couldn't quite reach Deanna. So I fell down, along with all the other people in this picture.

Thankfully, or not, there was water in the bottom. Gross, disgusting, stagnant water that smelled awful, tasted worse, and was not fun to fall in. But better than breaking a leg.

I will always remember smelling awful and finishing that hike soaked. I can't remember for sure, but it seems like there were at least 2 places that I fell in. But I'm not sure. Most of us had fun (except for maybe Kallee), even if the falling was gross.'

We ended up riding back to my Aunt's house in the back of my cousin's small truck because we didn't want to ruin any cars with our smelliness.

Am I sorry that we went? No. Mostly because of the great memories, but also because of the awesomely awkward family picture it produced. Posted without naming names to protect the embarrassed (although i am by far showing the most skin)

I'm sure you'll be thrilled to know that this is not the only memory I'll be sharing where I've had to be stripped down and hosed off - though there is ~~tragically~~ thankfully no photographic proof.

Memories 1/30

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 05:02:00 +0000

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on my last post. I am working on a response post, but it's not ready yet, so instead:

In two short months I will be celebrating a big milestone birthday. That's right ladies and gentlemen (do gentlemen read this blog? hmmm not sure. Hi Jeremy), I am turning thirty. I've been bugging Jeremy about this birthday for the last 6 months. I told him that I wanted a big party. He kept grilling me about what I wanted to do, how big was big, dinner or just visiting. Poor Jeremy. I kept changing my mind. Then a month or so ago I threw out that maybe a vacation would be more fun than a party. I've always wanted to stay in the Poconos or go to Vermont and get real maple syrup. So I threw even more ideas at Jeremy. He kept asking me for details, what did I really want for my birthday. I thought about it and thought about it. Finally I realized what I really wanted, so I told him: I don't care what you do, if its a party, a surprise, a weekend getaway, whatever. What I really want for my birthday is a memory.

This realization (and the realization that my poor blog is languishing) inspired me to start a new blog project - 30 by 30. My goal is to write about 29 memories before my 30th birthday, then write about my new 30th memory. Tonight seemed like a good time to start.

In a few days it is my friend Emily's birthday, so tonight my memory is about her. I don't know if I remember our exact first meeting, but I have a vague recollection of playing softball at The North Stake Center in Rexburg and my mom bringing this new girl over and telling me to play with her, I think we were around 10 years old. I remember being really annoyed and thinking that I didn't want a new friend. I was wrong.

Emily was only in rexburg for summers. Her dad (Papa Rick) and my Dad coached football together. Emily lived the rest of the year in Tulsa with her mom, but thankfully during the summers she got to stay with her dad. I say thankfully because Emily and I became like two peas in a pod.

Here we are hanging out at Elaine's house.

For as long as I can remember, Emily and I have always called each other SIG (along with our other friends). It stands for Sisters In the Gospel. Maybe it was from Girls Camp, I don't know. GC is a possibility because that was always one of the highlights of our summer adventures. But Girls Camps will be another post.

Emily and I became pretty inseparable (except for when we were separated during the school year.) Every year it was like she had never left. She was friends with all my friends, we had crushes on all the same boys (hello Matt, Zach, Tyler (wait that was just Emily)), and we loved the same kind of mischief. Though to be honest, I was always I stay-in-the-car kind of hoodlum (chicken), but Em was always up for anything. She toilet papered, water-gunned Main Street, and saran wrapped toilets with the best rexburg-ites.

I would say the peak of our friendship was in college. We lived together at Carousel Court, spent way to many nights "sleeping at my mom's house," and spent the summer in Alaska together, where I got my all-time favorite hair cut and color. I promised the stylist that if I ever got rich and famous I'd fly her to the lower 48 to so my hair.

This picture does not do it justice, but hello, I have awesome blue eye shadow on!

The thing I remember most about Em is that we just always had sooo much fun together. She will be at the center of some more memories (yielding, fishing, radio game road trips, etc.) because she was always so fun.

Anyway, here is the specific memory I wanted to write about. When Em and I were in Alaska, we went on a drive with a boy named Craig. I'm sure we saw some beautiful mountains, flocks of bald eagles, and more. But what I remember about that drive was a rest stop bathroom. We pulled into a parking lot to try and use the bathroom (I think) and as we were pulling around to park we saw the largest backside I have ever seen bent over right in front of us. (Mean I know, but it is important to the story). Then out of nowhere this women straightens up and she has on safety goggles, rubber gloves, horrible teeth, and a toilet wand in one hand. She waves it at us, scowled, and bent right back down. It was so strange and sooo funny. I almost peed my pants we laughed so hard. We didn't stop either. For the rest of the summer we'd tell the story of big-booty Judy (made up name) and laugh at the silliness of it all over again.

Cut to the following October. We were back at school and Halloween night was here. We were headed to a costume party, I think it was for our ward. Emily and I decided on the perfect costume, and thus was born our Big Booty Judy costumes:

Seriously, what college girl wears a costume that makes her behind look enormous?! The stuffed sweat pants proved to be a fatal flaw, the party was so hot it was almost unbearable. In fact we may have taken them off (to reveal regular pants!).

So not my proudest moment, but still something I will never forget.

Now Emily lives in Alaska and I live here, and we haven't seen each other in wayyyy too long, and we don't talk as often as I always thought we would. But man do we have memories.

I had to sit down for a shot during my bridal pictures, and I could not get up. Jen, Em and my Mom were really trying to help (by laughing). Good times.

I hope you'll enjoy the next couple months of living through my memories. If any of you have any corrections please send them my way - my memory is almost 30 years old.

Body Manifesto: Part I

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 03:35:00 +0000

Even though I don't think this post is quite where I want it to be, Brittany's comment inspired me to just hit publish - since I have been writing it for almost two months now.

Have you ever noticed when you are in a group of women that almost inevitably the conversation will turn to how someone's body looks. It sounds weird when I say it that way, but let me give you an example and you'll see what I mean. Its starts by someone saying, "You look so skinny." "Oh, thanks. I definitely don't work out enough." "I know I've had these extra pounds I've been meaning to get rid of." and so it begins.

I have been contemplating these types of interactions and when I really think about it, it seems so weird how often we comment on each other's bodies. I've noticed it a lot lately. Since CJ was born I've lost a significant amount of weight. Giving birth, nursing, and not taking crazy hormone pills will have that effect on you. The most common compliment I hear from people is, "Wow, you are looking so good." Say it a few times and it will sound weird to you to. It is like the lady I run in to occasionally who always looks at CJ and says, "She is getting so cute." Getting cute? what was she last time you saw her? In the same vein, the "you look so good" compliment is kind of awkward. I think that people also look at me (I am chubby) and think she must be trying to lose weight, I should notice. But I am not trying to lose weight. So the compliment could also be, good job getting that baby out and not putting on more infertility weight. I don't always know how to respond, so I've just started saying, "Thank you. I am happy and happiness looks good on me." Sometimes I slip up and forget to take a compliment and start to protest, but I try to catch myself.

The problem for me isn't that I don't like hearing this type of compliment, the problem is that I really like hearing how awesome I look. When I was in high school I had an eating disorder. For me, comments about my body, my weight and how I look are like a drug. This is one of the big reasons why I am opposed to starting a "weight loss" project. I am on board with having a healthy heart and lungs. If I could be healthy and not change the way my body looks I would, just because of the aforementioned eating disorder thing. Anyway, back to drugs. If you are an alcoholic, you probably shouldn't stand around while people explain to you about how awesome their drink is, or listen when someone goes off about how they like you so much more when you are drunk. Why? Because you know you have a weakness and you don't want to fall off the wagon.

I feel that way. It would be really easy to get caught up in the obsession of how I look - too easy. I was talking to someone I love very much about this issue and she agreed with me that it is like a drug. She said that the more you hear how great you look, the more you want to look great. We agreed that soon "looking great" can become how you define your worth, if no one tells you then you feel bad, you start to feel like you don't look great. You start to think, I should lose 5, 10, whatever more pounds then people will notice again. You crave the compliments, or sometimes the superiority that comes with "looking great." Or put another way, you need a "fix" in order to feel good about yourself.

The other thing that confuses me about focusing on what our bodies look like, is how it seems like people are never satisfied. It probably seems weird to people who are really focused on exercise, weight-loss, or body image, but when I look in the mirror I don't see anything wrong with me. I think most, or maybe just a lot, of women look in the mirror and see something to fix. That makes me sad and hurts my heart a little bit. It seems like the world we live in is telling us that we are supposed to look a certain way and if we don't then there is something wrong with us, we're disfigured and deformed. But when I see my stretch marks or saggy boobs or flabby tummy all I see are answered prayers, nights of pleading and crying, and joy that is too much to even explain. There is nothing wrong with having this body - it is the one I asked for. I hope that the way I see myself doesn't change depending on how much I weigh. I don't want to spend my life bouncing from one diet to the next, anguishing about whether I went to the gym that day, or nipping, cutting, lifting, or pulling any parts of my body.

My sister once asked me how I got over caring about what I'm "supposed" to looked like. I tried to explain to her about the deep conviction I have of my worth as a daughter of God. I truly believe that I am awesome, incredible, wonderful, and right just the way God made me. When you truly and deeply believe that I think it matters less and less what the outside shell looks like (even though I also love my outside shell!) It also helps that I have an incredible husband who loves me and my body, who makes me feel beautiful and desirable, and who also doesn't look at me and see things to fix.

Basically I think the key to combating our obsession with what our bodies look like can be illustrated by a story I heard in Conference (and if serious enough supplemented by thoughtful professional help):

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandchildren about life.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to them."It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves...The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too.

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee replied, "The one I feed."

At the end of the day, I don't want to waste my time or my life feeding the wrong wolf. I see too many people, especially women, letting the wrong wolf win. The wrong wolf is clever and deceitful, plus he has societal pressure and culture egging him on. But they can't feed him, only I can feed him. As long as I choose to feed the happy, satisfied, confident, and content wolf, the uncertain, unsatisfied, unhappy, and hungry wolf will never win.

CJ is 8 months

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 03:31:00 +0000

This has been a very long week. CJ has had such a hard time falling asleep. We've spent between 2-3 hours every nigth trying to get her to settle down. Some nights she has just screamed and cried, and some nights, like tonight, she has just wanted to smile and play, she even started laughing in her sleep and woke herself up!

Anyway, it has made me emotional because I don't know what's wrong (if anything) and I don't know how to fix it. But I do know this, today my girl is 8 months old and she is absolutely adorable!

This photo shoot is pretty typical of her right now. There is just no sitting still adn she wants to explore everything. I couldn't even put the sign in front of her because she just wanted to get it. even when I put it to the side, it was all she wanted. She's such a cute little goober.

Whole Album:

Is this my baby?

noreply@blogger.com (JillEE) — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 03:59:00 +0000

I just got back from a trip home to Idaho (blog forthcoming) and I got to go through some old pictures. I didn't really think that CJ looked like me until I went through my baby pictures:

I just took a picture of my picture, so you can't see how blue my eyes are in this photo. Do you think she looks like me? goo.gl/LfJxN