aaron monts

Currently » 02

Monts — Fri, 24 May 2013 22:16:31 +0000

Reading | Christopher Heuertz’s book Unexpected Gifts: Discovering the Way of Communiyt has been an amazing and very difficult book to read. It has been difficult simply because it is challenging me every step of the way, pushing me to think differently about some of my own failures in attempting to create sustainable community while. In fact, this has been a very emotional read. This is a book I wish I would have read years ago, however I’m not quite sure I would have listened in the same way. Perspective changes everything.

Loving | Two days in South Lake Tahoe are providing us with some much needed rest from the stress of packing and buying a house, the emotional goodbyes and final days in the city we love. I love the scenery, the fresh air, the cold breezes, and the fireplace in our hotel room. This is one of those moments you know you need, to refresh your soul, for your heart to recoup, and your mind to slow down.

Looking Forward To | Driving across the country with my wife as we shift from mourning our move from San Francisco to emotionally preparing for our new adventure in Springfield, Illinois. We have been looking forward to this drive as a sacred moment in our journey, a marker for what has been and the beginning of something new.

Challenged By | Grieving well the loss of something you can’t quite put into words. This has been a very hard and emotionally exhausting season of transition as we leave the city of San Francisco. I have been heartened by this quote from A.A. Milne (author of Winnie the Pooh):
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

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How I “Denied the Faith” and Became a “Godless Man”

Monts — Tue, 14 May 2013 23:12:58 +0000

Ten months ago my life changed forever. After 10 years of marriage, my wife and I welcomed our very first child into the world and I have never been the same since.

Perhaps the biggest influencer in the change I experienced is that for the past 10-months I have been a stay at home dad. Day-in and day-out I spend every waking moment with our daughter. Through sleep-strikes, uncontrollable wailing because her poor teething gums hurt, to bumps and bruises as she learns to stand on her own, even throwing the food she finds unacceptable in my face, the moments of joy and laughter, the moments of tenderness and care as I watch her fall to sleep in my arms or smile at the silly faces I make; I have had the privilege of being there through it all. These past 10-months have contained some of the most joyous and yet most difficult moments of my life–yes, even more difficult than when I was a pastor. Being a stay-at-home parent is hard. (I can’t imagine doing it with more than one child–bravo to those of you who are able/capable of such extraordinary feats of strength!)

You could say that the difficulty from being a stay-at-home parent stems from the transformative shaping that occurs within. Never before have I been thrust into a situation or lengthened period of time where I have had to grow more and faster in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control–you know, the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5). This is why I was so surprised to find out from a prominent pastor (Mark Driscoll), that I have in fact “denied the faith” and become a “Godless Man.” (Video Link*)

Let me summarize the video for you in a couple of sentences: Condemnation. This condemnation is specifically for all stay-at-home dad’s, ‘Peter Pan types’ who simply don’t want to grow up and instead choose the lazy route as a stay-at-home dad rather than being a real man who provides for his family. This is a role that no woman can respect.**

The challenge of these condemnatory statements are at least two-fold.

First, the basis for Driscoll’s statements derive from a misquote and a misunderstanding of his prooftext 1 Timothy 5.8, which reads (from the English Standard Version–Driscoll’s translation of choice):

“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

The misquoting of the passage happens when he inserts gender into a passage where none exists. The original Greek for this sentence is gender neutral (which the ESV captures in its translation), yet Driscoll insists on making this about men instead of the intended universal truth that is for all Christians regardless of gender: “Provide for your household.”

The misunderstanding comes from a narrow interpretation of the word ‘provide’. Dricoll has chosen to narrowly define the word ‘provide’ to merely financial terms. However the word here actually contains a much broader understanding of provision extending into the realm of physical, emotional, and spiritual care. It is a word that lays out an expectation of continuous responsibility to one another, a covenantal relationship.

As a stay-at-home dad, I am upholding the universal truth of this passage by staying home and caring for my daughter. I have been providing for my family what is necessary in this season of life, and it has been a sacrifice on my part to do so.

Second, I take issue with Driscoll’s assertion that being a stay-at-home dad is a lazy role for a man. If that is the case, then what does this say about women who choose this role for themselves? Is he really implying that this is all they can handle? Being a stay-at-home parent is not easy (I’ve said as much already), however to liken it to laziness and then say that this is really all a women is suited for is a horrible degradation and a completely skewed understanding of gender roles within the home.**

Today (May 14, 2013) is officially my last full day as a stay-at-home dad. I get to re-enter the “work force” in the next couple of weeks as a pastor. These past 10-months staying at home with my daughter have been truly amazing. Moments that I will never forget and will cherish for the rest of my life. In fact I can honestly say, despite how hard it is, I will miss this. I will miss our spontaneous mid-afternoon “daddy-daughter” dances, taking her to Giants games in the middle of the afternoon, going for walks around the neighborhood creating silly songs along the way. And sure, I’ll still be able to do these things but it will be different. I won’t be with her every waking moment of the day… and that will be a drastic change that will take getting used to.

Being a stay-at-home dad is difficult and even more so in the face of our success-oriented, career-focused society. It is a counter-cultural sacrifice that shows the extent to which you are willing to give of yourself to your family. You, the stay-at-home dad, have my respect. You have not denied the Faith but instead have walked full bore into it. You have not become Godless but as the Fruits of the Spirit grow from within, you have become more like Jesus. And that is the true measure of a man.

* This is a clip from a sermon by Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church in Seattle in 2008. I would love to assume that someone has lovingly talked with Mark about his comments and perhaps even changed his view. However, the video of this teaching remains up on the Mars Hill YouTube Channel (as of May 14, 2013), so I don’t believe he’s backed off his statement. And if he has, he should at the very least have the video removed so that articles like this one become irrelevant.

** Not to mention that this is a horribly narrow understanding of masculinity!

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“I Married Up” : Can We Stop With This Backhanded Compliment?

Monts — Mon, 13 May 2013 16:50:23 +0000

Tracy and I celebrated 11 years of marriage earlier this year (2013). It has been an unbelievable journey marked with highs and lows, challenging moments, beautiful stories, and fun. Lots and lots of fun. I cannot imagine walking through this life and sharing the moments we have shared with anyone else. I am tremendously thankful for my wife. BUT, and let me be really clear here, I did NOT marry up.

I know, I know, how unromantic and even mean spirited of me to say. What a horrible thing to say after a decade-plus-one anniversary. You’re all wondering if I somehow missed the “man memo”, right? The memo that explicitly reads: “To pay the highest compliment to your wife in public, you must say with gusto: ‘I married up!’ This will garner you the love and affection of a blushing bride, and cover a multitude of sins.”

This “compliment” (I married up) comes straight out of the standard-issue husband-manual you receive on your wedding day. It is a required sentiment to describe your wife to others. It’s an updated phrase from the last edition when we used, “my better half” in the same situations. And this phrase is well meaning, but it is anything but a compliment. In fact, I’d argue it’s more of a backhanded compliment.

Let me explain, because you simply have to take the inverse of the phrase to get what I’m saying.
When someone says, “I married up,” what exactly does that say about their spouse?
It sounds like their spouse is better than they are, right? Like the husband is being romantic, discarding his own pride and ego as a means to elevate his wife. And therein lies the compliment. However, there’s a backhanded side to this phrase as well. If you think about the sentiment for just a moment you’d have to then wonder, how did you get someone like that? Did you catch her on a bad day or a bad year? Did she settle? Poor girl. Maybe you simply conned her? She must be pretty gullible, eh? The implications of this phrase don’t speak very highly of your wife, does it? Doesn’t really speak volumes about her judgement of character, does it? But then again, wives are just supposed to be pretty, shiny trophies right? I mean, that’s how we often times treat them, isn’t it?

You may think I’m being ridiculous or that I’m too caught up in my own hyperbole. You may think I’m over thinking this whole thing and trying to make a point where one doesn’t really exist. But I do wonder, and I think we all should wonder, why has it become necessary to degrade ourselves in order to give a proper compliment? Think about it… I’ll wait.

When this becomes our approach, we not only degrade ourselves, but we unintentionally diminish the other person robbing both them and ourselves of our humanity.

So, I did NOT marry up and I hope that Tracy would say the same thing. We both made a wise decision and have worked hard to not only sustain our love but to sacrifice for and submit to one another. My wife is a brilliant and talented woman who tirelessly gives of herself to others. She exemplifies the kingdom of God, challenging and pushing me to be a better version of myself. And she is an amazing mother… an absolutely amazing mother.

Isn’t it more honoring to actually compliment our wives instead of saying, “I married up”? So, men, can we please stop using this phrase and work at using real compliments?

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Currently » 01

Monts — Fri, 10 May 2013 23:57:38 +0000

Reading | Parker Palmer’s book A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life has been a good read lately as he describes and lays out how a “Circle of Trust” or “Discernment Circle” functions. I have really enjoyed the conversation in the book surrounding the posture of listening and how, pastorally, to create a space safe enough for the soul to speak.

Loving | Terrence Malick (Tree of Life, The Thin Red Line) has written and directed a new movie called To the Wonder that I simply can’t watch enough. I have now watched this movie three times and each time I have been moved to tears at the end. There’s something about the prayer of St. Patrick at the end of the movie that, after being engulfed in the story, moves me in ways I cannot describe nor express:
(Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ all around me…)

Looking Forward To | A couple of days in Lake Tahoe to relax and dream about what is possible in this next section of life. Lake Tahoe is a two-day stop in our week long drive across the country to our new home in Springfield, Illinois.

Challenged By | In this season of exit and this season of preparation, I have been challenged to embrace what has been and turn towards what is next. It is a difficult thing to say goodbye and grieve while also preparing your heart for the amazing journey that lies ahead.

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What I Learned as a Church Planter: Focus on the Positive

Monts — Thu, 09 May 2013 19:18:29 +0000

Creating something out of nothing is never easy, and that’s part of what makes church planting so difficult. Thankfully there is a plethora of new books, resources, and conferences available to help the church planter navigate the models, strategies, and networks that can help you bring a new church into existence. However, what often times gets left by the wayside is the other side of church planting, equally as difficult and perhaps more disastrous if left unattended: YOU.

Before launching IKON, one of the cultural markers I wanted to create in a new church was a culture of encouragement. The impetus being: encouragement and a positive outlook will propel your church forward with greater momentum. A culture lacking encouragement and a focus on the positive will stall out, focus on the wrong things (major in the minor), and find itself in a hole at best and a tailspin at worst.

I thought that I had learned my lesson. After a prior stint as a lead pastor, I wrote in my journal:

“I wish we would’ve celebrated our wins… instead, every meeting started with the problems and issues we were facing (and they were a multitude). Everyone left these meetings feeling down and out.

The solution, I thought, would be to start every meeting by highlighting the positive. This one simple act would help craft the culture I sought. I relied on this one “trick” to create encouragement and failed to take the next steps required to craft a true culture of encouragement.

Focusing on the positive and crafting a culture of encouragement requires proactivity. Relying on the “trick” at the start of meetings may be a good start, a good way to share with a group stories and conversations everyone may not have been privy to, however, if you (the leader, the pastor) are spearheading the conversation there are unintended consequences that can occur that ultimately short circuit any hopes of crafting a strong culture of encouragement.

You will be viewed as only wanting to hear about the positive. This can (and in my case did) close off a valuable feedback circle. It can alienate you from some of the real needs within the church because you are seen (whether fairly or not) as only wanting to know about the good things that are happening, brushing the challenges and problems aside.
Relying on this “trick” makes it harder to discover other positive stories. When relying on this space, you stop actively pursuing the beautiful stories that are taking place in the church. You expect these stories to “come to you” and forget it is important to be proactive in seeking out the stories of your church community. And when the stories don’t “come to you”, discouragement can quickly overtake you.
The “trick” can put others on the spot, creating a culture of competition or withholding. One of the thoughts that can circle the room in these moment:”My story isn’t as good, so there’s no reason to share it…” Unfortunately this devalues the good, no matter how “small” it may seem. Sometimes, the “small” stories are the great stories! If the “trick” is the only space for sharing stories, then you’re not actually creating a culture of story-telling within your church. And if you’re not creating a culture of story telling, then stories never get heard and fade away. When you come into a space where the “trick” is employed, no one is there to champion your story and share on your behalf (because they never heard it in the first place) leaving you questioning the value of your story.

There are certainly more unintended consequences, but these are three I directly experienced in our church culture.

It is vital that as a leader, you focus in on the positive for your church. We have to celebrate the amazing things that God is up to in our midst. There are many beautiful stories happening all around us, every day, but we must be proactive in discovering them if we truly want to create a culture of encouragement. Meaning, it must be a point of conversation in every interaction with others. Seek out the good that God is doing, don’t expect it to come to you.

At the same time, however, your conversation needs to be balanced. You have to be open to hearing about the needs of the individual and how you, as a pastor, can walk alongside them. A culture of positivity and encouragement is only possible when balanced with genuine interest and care.

I failed at the balancing act and tended more towards the “trick” instead of nurturing a culture. As a result I missed some of the tell-tale signs of impending disaster. I became the guy that only wanted to hear about the positive, not the challenges lurking around the corner. This posture secluded me from what was really happening beneath the surface.

Creating a culture of encouragement is easier said than done. It is a difficult balancing act that must be walked wisely. However, I believe it is one of the most important cultural distinctive’s that must be nurtured for longevity and health in a new church.

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Keep Calm, I’m Making Changes

Monts — Wed, 08 May 2013 18:38:25 +0000

This blog has been in existence since 2004, however you wouldn’t know it by looking around. Why? Because at the moment (May, 2013) there is no content left.

I have written over 2,000 posts ranging from the intersection of faith and politics to my own personal struggles and journey as a pastor to a church planter; music to silly videos I’ve stumbled across to pointless drivel that all these years later make no sense in or out of context. Blogging has been an outlet of frustration with myself, with the Church, with a state of affairs that is no longer current, and a painful, albeit too public display of my own immaturity. Nine years ago I stepped into the world of blogging without any real sense of purpose or understanding of this world of instant publishing. Today, I would like to believe, I have gained a better sense of perspective.

There are times in our lives when we all wish we could start fresh, times we wish we could erase the unseemly bits of our past and let only the good moments remain on display. In some respects that’s what I’m doing with my little slice of the internet–I’m cleaning it up a bit, I’m making changes*. However, this time around I am reentering into this realm with eyes wide open, understanding that there is a great responsibility to what is published on the internet.

I want to use this space deliberately to communicate a Christian faith that is beautifully complex, unimaginably just, and excruciatingly gracious. I will still write about theology and politics and how they intersect, I will still write about the things that I am currently chewing on, I will still write about what I believe matters and what I think will help move the conversation down the road, and I will republish the posts from the past nine years that contribute to this focus.

I hope someday I will be as deliberate with my Facebook and Twitter streams as I am attempting to be with this space, however because of the ease of micro-blogging and my impulsive nature I cannot make any guarantees. Perhaps someday that will be a discipline I will be able to corral. In the meantime I would like to invite you to interact with me here in this fresh space and, if you so choose, help guide me toward this endeavor on Twitter and Facebook.

* Please know that this isn’t an attempt to hide anything away… I just want to clean up the vomit so that when guests walk into my little sphere they’re not stepping into a mess that should’ve been cleaned up years ago.

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