Your Ill-fitting Overcoat

Nothing Awful Lasted Long

2009-11-09T17:08:00.009-06:00

[photo courtesy haojan]

Today, I am halfway to twenty-eight.

People ask you hard questions when you're halfway to twenty-eight. Unfair, mean-spirited questions like What do you do? and What are you working on? and Why haven't you paid us in three months? Questions that leave me with hands that don't know where to hide and feet that can't find flat on the floor.

I think often of the woman on the cover of Organic Style. I see her in the supermarket check out line: her Mona Lisa smile, her slim feet, her creaseless yoga pants. She's sitting in a manicured field and she's meditating on the wheat germ smoothie she's drinking for dinner. She is calm, she is Zen, she is infinite. There are no dirty dishes in this woman's sink.

This woman is my bodhisattva. She is my New Year's resolution, my shining light in the dark. She is my personal Jesus. I live my life in hot pursuit of skin that glows with a gleam only Photoshop can provide. I buy salmon at the market and eat cookies for dinner. I plan to go to yoga and spend the cash on coffee instead. I buy hempseed shampoo and eucalyptus face wash and they sit in a drawer for tens of years until I'm poor enough to dig them out.

And for what?

The truth is that I'm trying to disappear. White-washed and glowing, cross-legged in a field; I tip-toe, I side-step, I back-track. I move every which way but onward ho. Studies have shown that 93% of my life's problems stem from Giving a Fuck What People Think.

And today, walking home in my Target flats from a job I never meant to take, I think of this bodhisattva on a hill with her wheat germ smoothie and her sun-sleek ponytail and I think: Who the fuck is she? Who is this woman with a spotless sink and a spotless mind? Because she is not any twenty-seven and a half I have ever known.

Twenty-seven and a half has three dollars in her checking account.

Twenty-seven and a half is eating chocolate chips straight from the bag.

Twenty-seven and a half is blinking like a loris when someone asks her What do you do? and What are you working on? and Why haven't you paid?

Twenty-seven and a half is moving forward and upward and onward ho. She is teaching her feet to find flat on the floor.

[photo courtesy 油姬]

I've Never Seen Anything Like This

2009-10-31T13:50:00.003-05:00

This is, without a doubt, the most inventive, moving music video I have ever seen. I don't think I breathed for the last half of it.

[Ramona Falls: I Say Fever]
[via Evin]

The Dotted Line

2009-09-28T18:17:00.004-05:00

[photo courtesy margolove]

Today, the world is gray: sky, ground, the air between our mouths. The wind gusts and gasps and leaves crackle and snap from the trees; it's cold and it's drizzling and I've left my umbrella in some other life.

He's got the whole world in his hands... A bearded old man sings on the corner, his voice warm and rich and heavy, filling the space between buildings, spilling like syrup down alleys and gutters, and between each word is the clack, clack, clack of my boots on concrete, the gust and the gasp and the crack and the snap, the cold and the drizzle and the gray between our mouths, and suddenly-- it is winter.

Three years ago, I wrote:

My first few months in Madison I could have walked a thousand miles without recognizing the sound of someone's sneeze. I went to the movies by myself, I went to dinner by myself; the sun rose and set on my solitude. I wrote every day and I walked every day and the world was the most beautiful it's ever been, ever.

My courage and independence are two of my greatest strengths, but they are packaged side-by-side with isolation, a sort of self-inflicted quarantine. This conflicts with my ideals of community, ideals about which I feel passionately. It's as though I want that community to thrive just outside my bedroom door, like laughter down the hall and dirty soup bowls you find on the counter. I want to exist on its periphery and smile to myself that people are so good to each other. I fall in love with strangers because they don't expect to walk me home.

Sometimes I wonder if someday I will meet someone whose presence won't feel like an ill-fitting overcoat, like something heavy in my pocket that I should've left at home. Someone whose footsteps will fall next to mine like the sound of my own breath, whose body will sleep next to mine like an extension of my own, an eight-limbed Shiva tangled in the sheets.

Love has always felt to me like forging my own signature. Like signing my name backwards and left-handed, with a pen that never had any ink.

But with this one, I am right-side up. With this one, my well is brimming and bottomless, my hand steady and sure. With this one, I have already signed.

A thousand times over, I have already signed.

Hand-Me-Down Peppers

2009-09-11T19:53:00.004-05:00

[photo courtesy ChuKi]

SPICY SEAFOOD LASAGNA

what
1 small box oven-ready lasagna noodles
1.5 cups thawed shrimp & scallops
3 c. shredded mozzarella
1/4 c. fresh grated parmesan
2 cans of diced tomatoes
1 container low-fat ricotta cheese
4 oz. reduced-fat feta
2 eggs, beaten
2 small eggplants, sliced
3 carrots, chopped
5 oz. fresh spinach, rinsed
1/3 sweet onion, diced
8 oz. mushrooms, sliced
6 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 can pureed pumpkin
handful of small chili peppers, diced
salt & pepper
butter

how

slice eggplants into round, 1/4-inch pieces. cover in salt and lay on paper towels for 15 minutes. drizzle with oil and roast on a cookie sheet. 400 degrees, 10 minutes-ish.
heat butter in a pan. add garlic and onions. add carrots and mushrooms. cook until cooked.
dump diced tomatoes, spicy peppers, and eggplant in a food processor. blend. mix in a bowl with ricotta and feta and two eggs. add cooked vegetables.
cook shrimp and scallops in the veggie pan.
coat bottom of a casserole dish with tomato-ricotta mixture. add a layer of lasagna noodles, then a layer of pumpkin, then a layer of tomato sauce, then a layer of seafood, then a layer of mozzarella cheese. repeat until the dish is filled. top with parmesan.
bake at 350 for about 30 minutes. covered until the last 5-10.

why
leftover pumpkin & lasagna noodles, on-sale diced tomatoes, hand-me-down onions and peppers, cheap seafood at the asian market

No Promises

2009-09-08T19:29:00.010-05:00

cumin-crusted salmon & rosemary-garlic mashed potatoes
-or-
how to be poor & still eat good

to start:
like 8 cloves of garlic, seriously.

in an oven-safe bowl, in the toaster oven
with a dribble of oil over the top
and a tent of re-used foil
set it to 375 and forget all about it
(until your house starts smelling like garlic)
(in a borderline-worrisome manner)

cut up some potatoes you got for free
boil them in water for longer than you think
drain
pour a bit of milk on top
shake shake shake some fresh parmesan
a dash of salt
ok, a few more dashes
one more.
a bit of black pepper
a whole lot of rosemary
blend it up

thaw some frozen salmon from trader joe's
(DID YOU FORGET)
roll it around in a bowl with :
    3 tbsp cumin
    4 tsp paprika
    1/2 tsp salt
    1/2 tsp freshly ground black pepper
fry it in a pan
squeeze a little lime on top

pour some chipotle vodka in a glass
(vodka + dried chipotle peppers + one week)
that much water, too
and some juice from that lime
& agave nectar
(more than that.)
repeat x 3
OK.

==

i'm going to berkeley next week to see my man. wanna hang?
no promises.
xo

Half Mine

2009-09-07T09:37:00.005-05:00

This knocked me on my ass. This girl is from my hometown and I've somehow never seen her, ever.

There are a lot of things I've never seen, I suppose.

[via my dear lorrie]

how've you been, have you been hiding out?
when i saw you last you didn't belong to anyone
its better now, we both got our hearts
sitting in the right place, all the time

i've waited such a long, long time
to hear your voice again

spitting songs has never been so hard,
i get confused all the time
i always mess things up

you're half mine, so when you comin' back?
did you forget how brave you make me?

- geri x

Things I No Longer Know

2009-09-03T11:54:00.005-05:00

I can sometimes see her:
this foreign, future Me
with all of her ducks
lined up in rows

she is the same, but different
she wears glasses
and has long hair
she sits at a desk in a room I've never seen
she knows things I don't yet know

it's like looking at a photograph
of myself as a child
she is me, but she is someone else
she wears barrettes
and has long hair
she sits on a bed in a room I can't recall
she knows things I no longer know

Attention: Investors

2009-09-03T08:56:00.006-05:00

[photo courtesy 9stars]

Via text...

ME. Our next mil: Mini-Horse 'Scenes from Late 90's NBC Must See TV Reenactment' Wall Calendar
ME. We might need to work on the pitch.
ANNA. Ok seriously though: that is genius.
ME. Um I KNOW
ANNA. I mean the Ross and Rachel horses alone are like a mil
ME. Please do not forget ER
ANNA. Fuckkkkk
ANNA. I will be your caroline in the city consultant on this project
ANNA. Or really any project

Special thanks to Evin and Malka for brainstorming this project with me over alcoholic smoothies.

Extra special thanks for the lengthy and productive discussion regarding Elaine Benes Mini-Horse Wig.

From California, With Love

2009-09-01T15:17:00.000-05:00

The man I love came to visit two and a half weeks ago, and didn't leave until yesterday. It was the first time we met in person.

He makes me believe in beautiful things. He makes me want to be not someone else, but the best version of myself.

I can't imagine wanting more.

[video by evin]

We Wait, We Listen

2009-08-13T16:21:00.008-05:00

[photo courtesy photoatlas]
[from young people with eyes]

Amount in My Bank Account: $132.66
Bills Due in Next Two and a Half Weeks: $1,149.08

I'm no math genius, but I'm pretty sure the sum of this equation has the word 'fuck' in it.

Las cosas son así, tú eres así,
este es y será tu sitio.

This isn't a pity party; it's a statement of fact. This is what happens when ______________. This is how we __________. This is who I am, in part.

Who I am as well: resourceful, brave, loved. Not going down without a fight.

Also I Have Red Hair Now

2009-08-12T01:35:00.001-05:00

Current summary: Madly in love, broke as fuck, and braver than I've ever been.

That's all I have to say about that right now.

[photo courtesy infame]

kitchen sink tuna
canned tuna
mayo
carrot, grated
celery, diced
salt & black pepper
whole wheat bread
sweet onion, thinly sliced
green bell pepper, julienned
tomato, sliced
green komatsuna (or other leafy green)
cheddar cheese, thinly sliced

mix the tuna, mayo, carrot, & celery. add salt & black pepper to taste. pile on bread with onion, green pepper, tomato, cheese, & leafy greens. toast in a sandwich press. devour.

free love salad
(made from free veggies, woodstock dressing, & love)

harmony valley salad mix
carrot, grated
cucumber, julienned
green bell pepper, julienned
walnuts, chopped
annie's woodstock dressing

eat it up. so good.

Sandwiches for Hot People

2009-08-09T13:20:00.005-05:00

[photo courtesy adwriter]

The things I need keep finding their way to me: furniture, a bus pass, a box of fresh vegetables. All three are going to good use.

sliced Vienna bread
fresh roma tomato, sliced
cucumber, sliced
green komatsuna
Annie's artichoke-parmesan dressing

Place box fan in window. Turn up high. Peel off clothes and sit on floor in your underwear. Drink a tall glass of water with ice and sliced cucumber.

Eat sandwich, slowly, savoringly. Wish it was summer all year round.

The Life and Times

2009-08-05T12:30:00.004-05:00

[photo courtesy malingering]

I am learning some things about Poor.

I am learning that bread is cheaper if you slice it yourself. I am learning that sandwiches are cheaper if you skip the bread entirely. I am learning that I can walk almost anywhere if it means not paying two dollars for the bus. I am learning that picnics are better than restaurants and parks are better than coffeeshops and vodka lasts longer if you mix it with water. I am learning that sometimes you really can show up at someone's house without a bottle of wine. I am learning that the best things in life are free, except for things from Anthropologie, which are not free and which I cannot have. I am learning to not look at the Anthropologie catalog.

And I am learning that no one is too poor to buy ice cream when you are PMS-ing. Especially if it's mint chocolate chip.

I am learning that Poor is not too proud to email her old boss and ask if the new girl quit yet. I am learning that Poor is not too proud to knock on doors and call back twice. I am learning that Poor is not too proud to count out change and cut out coupons and sometimes cry on the phone to the boy she loves because what the fuck am I doing here?

And I am learning that when my favorite boy in the world suggests that, for a romantic date, we do Couples Day Labor at a local meatpacking plant, where we might lose a few fingers, but hey at least it will be memorable-- oh how I will laugh. I will laugh and I will laugh and I will laugh.

And then I will wonder how much it pays.

Things I Never Regret

2009-08-02T14:12:00.005-05:00

[photo courtesy tarop]

eating a really good cupcake
peeing before I leave
taking the long way
making a list
saying I love you
giving thanks
bringing a pen
telling the truth
showing compassion
asking for what I need
wearing comfortable shoes
coming prepared
keeping my commitments
listening to my gut
forgoing sleep to spend time with someone I love
being generous
leaving something better than I found it

So Many Doors, So Many Gurneys

2009-07-27T23:23:00.003-05:00

[image courtesy archeology.org]

ANNA. (via text) I just read the "cave cows" gchat we had and decided we need some sort of gchat-based book deal.
ME. (via text) Three words for you: No. Freaking. Doi.
ANNA. (via text) Duh Aficionado Magazine Presents:

===

From January...

ANNA. why do civilians say 'ER'
ANNA. and medical people say 'ED'?
ME. theory: the tv show
ME. which could not be called "ED" because people would think it was someone's name
ANNA. i like this theory
ANNA. but that show started in 1994
ANNA. and i'm pretty sure i never heard my mom say 'ED'
ME. well before that there was an old-timey radio show called "ER"
ANNA. oh right, and i forgot about the restoration drama "Le ER"
ANNA. by moliere
ANNA. so many doors!
ANNA. and gurneys!
ME. and of course eventually caveman drawings
ANNA. that's a clear endpoint
ANNA. with those cows
ANNA. the famous ones
ANNA. in france or something
ME. famous cave cows
ANNA. "cave paintings as explained by someone who hates cave paintings"
ME. they're just so overdone
ME. it's like, we get it with the buffalo
ME. show me something new

(pause.)

ME. also they are not cows
ANNA. i'm from wisconsin
ANNA. i assume everything is a cow until proven otherwise

(pause.)

ANNA. they really look like cows to me

(pause.)

ANNA. HAHA THEY ARE COWS
ME. prove it
ANNA. http://www.culture.gouv.fr/culture/arcnat/lascaux/en/
ANNA. it's literally called "The Hall of the Bulls"
ME. "There are almost 600 depictions of animals in Lascaux. The horse is the predominant animal whereas there is about the same number of stags, last come the ibex and bison."
ANNA. i didn't say there weren't other animals
ME. http://www.culture.gouv.fr/culture/arcnat/lascaux/en/ic/graphe.gif

ME. i do not see 'cows' on this graph
ANNA. aurochs?
ANNA. what?
ME.that's not a thing
ANNA. OH DAMN
ANNA. YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?!?!
ANNA. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aurochs
ANNA. a fucking cow, that's what
ME. oh shit
ME. they are cows

(pause.)

ANNA. ok i just thought about this discussion
ANNA. and started convulsing with laughter
ME. i literally was just like
ME. "i need to write a blog post entitled:"
ME. "the time that anna and i had a massive fight"
ME. "about whether or not the cave drawings were of cows"
ME. but then i decided that title was too long
ANNA. "why aren't you and laurie friends anymore?"
ANNA. "cave paintings"
ME. "i don't want to talk about it"

Last Year, Back of a Receipt

2009-07-27T20:06:00.015-05:00

[photo courtesy lepiaf.geo]

Two months on cobblestone streets
just felt crowded and lonely.
Trust fund kids playing starving artist;
empty-headed mirror-gazers confusing "wanting to be heard"
with "having something to say".
Some people you want to talk to
and some people you just want to fuck.
Laughed,
swatted his arm,
swirled ice.
"Want to get out of here?"

Doorstep, towering,
his hand in my mittened hands.
Turned back,
felt his eyes,
slid to the floor.
Cried until I couldn't remember why.

mail
meds
$$
tea

Consume Upon Receipt

2009-07-27T15:57:00.002-05:00

[photo courtesy doozzle]

smoked turkey, honey ham,
extra sharp white cheddar,
tomato, avocado, jalapenos,
mayo & dijon mustard,
fresh spinach tossed with a cumin vinaigrette,
on sourdough.

pressed.

What's Good for Me

2009-07-24T16:32:00.001-05:00

[photo courtesy massdistraction]

"Once we make our relationship choices in an adult way, a prospective partner who is unavailable, nonreciprocal, or not open to processing feelings and issues, becomes, by those very facts, unappealing. Once we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us unless they are good for us."

- David Richo, How to Be an Adult in Relationships

[order]

===

Possible contenders for Best Sandwich in the World:

fromage et chocolat

good sourdough bread
high quality dark chocolate chips
extra sharp white cheddar, sliced
fresh grated Parmesan (optional)
butter (optional)

Butter the outside of the bread. Fill the middle with chocolate and cheese. Press between a hot sandwich press and pair with a tall, ice cold glass of water.

honey ham & shallot confit

7-grain french bread, toasted
quince & apple's shallot confit [link]
honey-glazed ham
smoked turkey
fresh spinach
extra sharp white cheddar, sliced
mayonnaise

Spread one slice of bread with mayonnaise and the other with shallot confit. Fill with meat, cheese, and greens.

===

Life's really good, y'all. I hope you're feeling it.

Where We Need to Be

2009-07-18T12:12:00.007-05:00

[photo courtesy esivesind]

more than anything
the sense i have lately
is that everything is where it needs to be

the beautiful, the painful, the obstacles in my path
they are all in their place

waiting to be stumbled over
& upon

[sigur ros // untitled 3]

Very Mature

2009-07-11T09:39:00.004-05:00

Because I am a sixth-grade boy at heart.

Re: The Thing You Left On My Doorstep

2009-07-06T16:52:00.006-05:00

[photo courtesy designwallah]

Y'all, I have been saying some seriously hippie shit lately. I just want to put that out there.

I've used the phrase 'spiritual journey' no less than three times in the past twenty-four hours. I talk about the Universe like it's someone I could text from the goddamn bus stop. I am a mere hop, skip, and a downward-facing dog from hanging crystals from the rafters and saying nonsensical things about my chakra.

Dear Laurie,

Let's tone it down a little.

Sincerely Yours,
The Universe

The truth is that I am both lost and found, simultaneously. Or rather, I have found that I am lost, which is, I believe, its own kind of compass. I am closing my eyes and I am waiting for North to tell me where it is.

I don't want to keep making the same mistakes. I don't want to be so closed to it. I want to be not fearless, but without fear. I want to be open-hearted, ego waiting quiet on the doorstep while the grown-ups do their business.

But most of the time, my heart's hiding, or shriveled, or working against itself. And most of the time, my ego's ringing the doorbell like its finger's stuck on the buzzer. And most of the time, I think existentialism sounds easier, because at least then you know what you're working with.

Anyway, I'll get back to you on the crystals.

This is where I am today.

My New Favorite Lunch

2009-07-05T16:29:00.007-05:00

[photo courtesy jiggs_images]

time: ~ 5 minutes
cost: ~ $3 (if you don't let anything go to waste)

frozen mahi mahi burger, grilled
whole wheat bun, toasted
guacamole, or sliced avocado
2 slices tomato
handful of fresh spinach
the cumin vinaigrette from this recipe (easy & can be bottled in the fridge)
1 slice pepperjack cheese (optional)
pickled jalapeño slices (optional)

1. grill or bake the mahi mahi burger (3-5 minutes).
2. rinse and drain the spinach, then toss with cumin vinaigrette.
3. toast the bun, then top with guacamole, tomato, jalapeño, cheese, spinach, & mahi mahi burger.
4. voila!

At dinner, serve with a chilled chipotle-lime martini & a small side salad of fresh spinach, jicama, and black beans, tossed with the cumin vinaigrette.

For You, Today, No Reason

2009-07-05T10:27:00.001-05:00

[image courtesy tomooka]

In the Swampland

2009-07-04T10:10:00.004-05:00

[photo courtesy toni frissell]

I was born in a city with a most unromantic name. Sprawling highways criss-cross like ventricles, heart pumping smog and seafoam. I was very young when I discovered this inadequacy in my narrative: a French girl on TV, pencil skirts and merci beaucoup, long cigarettes and a certain something. I was still in pink overalls when I began plotting my rebirth.

It took twenty-two years to escape; thirteen-hundred miles and a new way of speaking. The great irony, of course, is that Florida is now the most romantic truth I have. It took thirteen-hundred miles to see it for what it is: half L-shaped Havana; half backwoods back-hand. Palm trees in the yard and gators in the lake; cuban coffee thick as cream. A heat so oppressive as to almost have a voice. Southern discomfort and a tension you couldn't slice with a hacksaw; shot gun houses and winds that will tear you from the ground. Postcards in gas stations: wish you were here. Florida isn't a place to be born; it's a place to visit on a bank holiday, or to die. It's fucked up and beautiful and I don't think I'll ever live there again.

The Florida I resent-- and there is a Florida I resent-- is the Florida that doesn't know what it is. White marble columns and sprinklers by the pool; a twenty-screen cineplex and another three doors down. Don't you know where you are? You're in the swampland, my friend. And it will swallow you whole.

Colorblind

2009-07-03T20:06:00.003-05:00

I'm learning to play this song on the piano, mostly because it's very easy.

But this cover? Is beyond.

It's beyond, y'all.