Xpressions by Design

It's been a while

2009-08-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything, but for the last 3 months I've been living in a place that I call 'Short Sale Hell'. Or it might be purgatory because it's a place that short sales go to torment the people involved; not quite dead but definitely not near consummation. It's a place where real estate agents of buyers are left completely in the dark as if dropping a contract into a deep well with no end in sight. After all the talk of leveling the playing field, of transparency and protecting the consumer, we are actually no better off and in some cases, worse off then before. Even after the infamous 'stress tests' in which the larger banks were instructed to raise capital, lien holders are still holding onto properties, inflating inventory to an all time high. Also despite increasing sales, deals stay in a pending status for months and months and there is very little reported about the number of sales that actually close with buyers receiving the keys to their new homes.

It has, however, created a blooming industry of REO experts offering their sure fire ways of making a bundle off the misery of others. They alone have the key to unlock the coffers to the banks mysterious methods of doing business in uncertain times. My in box is laden with offers of webinars and easy to follow downloads that will give you instant access to the decision makers and the key words and phrases that will unlock the safe to actually closing sales. It's pure insanity. The longer these listings stay on the market with more looming near foreclosure, the longer prices will continue to drop. Yet lien holders hold on to them as if they haven't read a newspaper or seen a financial broadcast in years.

In my frustration, I wrote a petition stating the frustrations that I'm sure many other real estate agents feel. I've placed it on the Care2 petition site - Short Sale Hell. The text for my petition is as follows:

We, the undersigned real estate professionals and potential home buyers are weary of the insanity going on in the real estate lending industry. We have stood by and watched lenders peddling exotic loan products designed only to bilk consumers out of their hard earned money with zero accountability. We have read of scheme after scheme involving millions of dollars in real estate while we continue to toil for just enough to stay afloat. We have represented clients with the ability and desire to buy a home forced to wait for months and sometimes years for a place to call their own only to have a lien holder accept and then later turn down a legitimate offer. We have stood by while lien holders make promises, talk about 'due diligence', add condition after condition, hoop after hoop only to then turn their noses up when anyone dare to question their complete lack of good sense or basic math.

In the last 12 months property values have continued to plummet, yet lien holders seem to be living in a fantasy land where values are determined by their desire to get the highest price possible. Huge profits were made in recent years by adjustable rate mortgages with sky high caps, late fees and loan costs, yet they want more. Billions of tax payer dollars were poured into an industry that still refuses to accept any blame, yet they still sit on the fence holding on to properties worth a fraction of what they were worth a few years ago.

Home sales by all accounts are increasing but mean nothing because most of these sales stay in a pending status for months and sometimes years. Closed sales on the other hand continue to drop - why? Because lien holders will not allow them to close, forcing agents to drop purchase and sale agreements into a black hole with absolutely no way of knowing what happens to them and no way to adequately represent their client. It's exactly like being on a flight that never lands but continues to circle the airport with an occasional announcement to hold on a decision to land is forth coming. And then of course when you do land you’re back where you started only with less money, less time and more stress an aggravation.

We demand an end to the madness. No more incentives - banks do not care about $1,200 per closed transaction. No more writing deals without any end in sight. No more hoops, conditions, phone calls, urgent emails. We demand that lien holders look at the current numbers and trends and base their decisions on those numbers - like legitimate appraisals, auctions, and home values that continue to drop. Finally no more reneging on their promises. If you agree to a price, you should be forced to accept that price. Enough is enough. We will not stand for another short sale that goes bad at the last minute and we will not deliver another message to a hopeful home buyer that some arbitrary decision has been made after a buyer has gone through an arduous approval and vetting process and waited patiently for the privilege of giving another lender their money. NO MORE.

Pretty heady stuff, I know, but I was angry and tired and had been dealing with a short sale transaction for veteran of 2 wars - Vietnam and Desert Storm. If there ever was a more worthy group deserving of a home to call his home, it does not come to mind. Does not matter to the powers that be who have come no closer to defending our country than the television remote control in their hands. I had to face this gentle giant week after week with absolutely no knew information other than please hold on. Talk about feeling completely useless and powerless. My broker told me to take a step back, not to get so involved. But in real estate, you are dealing with a very personal asset. A place where the most intimate details of your life unfold. How not to get involved and invested is my question and struggle. It's not like we're selling suits at Men's Warehouse where if the suit you had on your eyes on is available right down the street.

Well enough ranting, I have an angel asleep upstairs who is counting on me to maintain order in the home, provide an never ending supply of bagels and cream cheese and ferry rides. No more time to fuss. Till the next time.

20-20 Hindsight

2009-07-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

It is said that hind sight is 20-20, but I’m not so sure when it comes to autism. In my 10+ year journey with my 12 year old son, I can’t say that vision has improved quite to the perfection of my optometrist standards of perfection. In fact I don’t think it has even to the level of my completely inadequate and aged vision with contact lenses or glasses. Not to say that there are not things that I would do differently with the skills, insight and experiences of the last decade. I have often thought that if I could I would teach a class for parents of newly diagnosed children with autism in order to spare them the many pains I’ve experienced and in order to help them manage the delicate balance required to care for your child while maintaining some semblance of a healthy marriage.

After receiving the news it is normal for a parent to go through a period of adjustment, so I would begin with the story of ‘We’re not in Holland’, though I would change it to Paradise, meaning, whatever your version of paradise is. In case you’re not familiar with the story – here it goes.

Your boo and you have been planning a vacation to the Bahamas for a while now. Since you have a lot of time to dream, you’ve been preparing well – researching the best resorts, buying the perfect outfits, even working out so that you will look amazing on the beaches in your newly acquired bathing suits. You’ve done your homework well and as the day approaches, you have had many conversations sharing fantasies about your anticipated vacation. So much so in fact that you’re both exhausted when you finally arrive at the airport terminal and fall fast asleep on the flight over. When you finally awake, you hear the announcement, ‘welcome to Heathrow Airport. That doesn’t sound like the right name, but you shrug it off and go on and gather your things and disembark.

When you get off the plane it’s foggy and chilly and the people around are speaking in a most familiar accent. You listen closely and you’re sure of it – it’s definitely British. So, you ask one of the flight attendants and she confirms your worst fears – you’re definitely in London. The two of you are insane with fatigue, so you immediately fly off the handle at one another, blaming each other for this fiasco and for offenses unrelated and even those yet to come. Eventually though you both come to your senses and begin to look around. For the next several hours you go through the normal stages of grief – denial, anger, sadness and finally acceptance. When you finally reach that place where you resign to the inevitable you are faced with a decision – either stay there and wallow of get off the pot and get to work to make a difference.

Sitting in Heathrow Airport looking out over the landscape, you begin to notice a few things that had escaped you earlier. It isn’t your choice of paradise, but the natives are friendly and inviting. You also remember that since you’re both a tad bit anal, you have saved all the receipts and paperwork from your preparations for your trip. After a few frantic phone calls, you are able to switch your reservations to a local bed and breakfast, along with your rental car reservation. You then find out that most of your purchases can be exchanged for suitable clothing. You then begin your vacation in earnest. Instead of lazy trips to the beach, you have trips to the country side, local castles, Buckingham and even Big Ben. You meet a group of natives who invite you out to several dinners at local taverns and embark on what will be lifelong friendships. You return to stateside with photos, videos, phone numbers and email addresses of people that will play a huge part in your lives well into the future.

The similarities of this trip to paradise and autism are pretty obvious. In the beginning it’s normal to be angry. It’s also expected to spend a little time denying that what your child has is autism and to become despondent about what is to come. After my son’s FIRST diagnosis, I was so angry that I called the offending doctor and fired him. And his receptionist. At some time however, you do need to take action, become informed, engaged and make connections that will help you for years to come. In the end what you will receive will make you a better parent, friend and human being.

After the initial shock of the diagnosis has worn off and you are now working for a common goal, it is common for many couples to forget that they are indeed a couple – hence the staggering divorce statistics for couples with a child on the spectrum. I’ve read statistics as high as 98% - doesn’t really matter because it was 100% in my son’s family and that’s the most important statistic here. But I digress.

I do think it’s important for there to be both a father and mother involved in the life of a child on the spectrum, if for only the division of labor aspect. Aside from that there are tasks that are more appropriate for the mother and others that the father are better suited for and ultimately the overall job is so large that efficiency is critical. So from the beginning of your journey you both should decide what those tasks are and divide them up accordingly.

Preservation of your marriage should also be on your never ending to-do list as well. So I would suggest a few additions to your daily planner.

1. I would strongly suggest that the two of you go away for a weekend after the diagnosis for the first of what should be an annual decompression period. You should divide the time equally between reacquainting yourselves with the couple in your family – dance, stroll, converse, flirt, smooch, dream, make love, get freaky if you want to – just pretend for a little while that it’s just the two of you. The other half should be spent planning for your re-entry into the real world – plan your time, resources and interventions, map out the next year so that you can hit the pavement running.
2. One of the first things you should do is research your respective insurance policies for limitations, coverage and procedures. This will be critical when you start signing up your child for various interventions.
3. Immediately upon your return, join a variety of on line and face to face support groups. I’ve learned more from my fellow parents than I have from all the ‘professionals’ combined – they are a valuable source of information and inspiration.
4. Recruit your family and friends for help. I wasn’t very successful on that end, but that could have been my approach and you could very well have more success. Use them for respite and also for social skills development, which is always in short supply.
5. Regular date nights – monthly, quarterly or weekly if you have the resources. Find something to do with your spouse to remind the both of you why you fell in love in the first place. Use this time for the two of you – not for autism. There will be plenty of time for autism – a life time of time, in fact.
6. If there are typically developing children involved, find a sibling support system for them. Typically children can be an enormous assistance for you and your ASD child, but it is not there job to their 24/7 in home therapist. Make sure that there is time for them to be special too.

The journey that I have been on has been a rocky one, but also one filled with touching memories and a group of friends, both on line and in person that have filled my life to the brim. I was not able to keep my marriage together, but I have gained so much from the challenges placed before me. I have become a better mother, a better friend and a better member of the community. My threshold of pain is enormous as my understanding of the human condition along with a plethora of useful information about a number of topics including special education law, childhood development, public services and even household repairs and maintenance. I hope that you will take this insight and use it to make your journey easier on everyone in your family.

Water 1st Event at Seward Park

2009-05-30T15:39:00.001-07:00

It was a beautiful summer day at Seward Park for Morgan Jr and I to make good on his reward for 5 days in a row of following his morning schedule to go to school. Who knew that Water 1st was holding an event to raise money and awareness for developing countries which don't have easy access to clean drinking water. You can read more about today's event, which raised more than $35,000, at http://www.water1st.org/events/CARRY5.html.

Apparently the event required participants to carry 5 gallons of water for 5 miles along Lake Washington Blvd, representing the distance that most families from poorer countries have to travel to get water. As you can see by this video, my son was not concerned in the least.

As others filled their milk jugs, gas cans and buckets in preparation for the trek, Morgan luxuriated in the coolness of Lake Washington. I don't know if other moms feel like me or if the accumulated effect of too little sleep colored my response to today's events, but it does seem that no matter what is going on, autism is not too far behind.

My first reaction was - why are they raising money for people half way around the world when their are millions that need help right here. I quickly reminded myself that diversity also means that we all get to choose the issues that move us off the couch to march, give and support.

I watched my son lounging on his inflatable whale, oblivious to all the commotion, and felt a twang of sadness mixed with jealousy. How I wished that I could take part in an effort that I could leave with the organizers when I was done. If only my son could walk beside me in an effort to eradicate poverty, or in support of gay rights or, like today, to provide clean water.

I have walked in the Walk for the Cure sponsored by Autism Speaks & Defeat Autism Now for 2 years and the end of each, I took the cause home with me. Autism awareness month is in April, but for me and thousands upon thousands more, it's every day.

I still have high hopes for my son that one day he will have the awareness to care about people far away or who are very different from ourselves. We will then walk and carry signs, join like minded families and friends, donate money and encourage others to do the same. Then when the event has concluded, we will pack away our signs and T shirts, go home and probably not give that cause another thought until the next year. Blissful ignorance but still satisfied that we have contributed and made a difference.

Childhood Firsts - the Second Time Around

2009-05-27T23:47:00.000-07:00

My son was diagnosed with autism twice - the first time took me by surprise and I rejected it, almost as if by rejecting the news I would also reject the reality. By the second diagnosis, I had seen enough, researched enough and experienced enough to accept that it was indeed a reality. The time between each events was filled with anger, self pity and self absorption. But I got through it and was ready to hear the word the second time around.

Autism is filled with second times around. Prior to his diagnosis my son was a pretty typical toddler - he toddled, babbled, cooed, had about 20 single words, played peek-a-boo and gave lots of eye contact. After diagnosis or more precisely, after his 18 month vaccines, I literally watched my son disappear. It was a gradual disappearing act, but disappear he did.

First his interests went away - from toys to pots and pans, but not in the usual way. He developed a near perfect spin of my tops, able to spin multiple tops with the perfection of a magician, never letting one in the row stop. Then his words gradually went away, first he added fewer and fewer new words to his repertoire, then the words that he did have slipped away till finally the fated day that he uttered the last intentional word.

I can still remember all the details of that day. We were sitting on our futon in the family room watching a Sesame Street video, or at least I was watching. He was walking back and forth on the futon until the video was nearly over. At the end of this video there were 3 monkeys and Morgan stopped, sat down and said clearly. Monkeys (pause) monkeys. I was thrilled - I finally had evidence that my son wasn't autistic. The next day I tried to replicate the day - setting up the video, same food, same time and waited for the end to hear those beautiful words. Nothing. Morgan didn't utter another intelligible word for nearly a year. But when he did....

That's what I mean about second firsts. Most moms celebrate their baby's firsts one time - I was given the privilege of celebrating twice. His first words - even sweeter the second time around. I remember that day vividly as well. It was after 6 months or so of ABA therapy - 35 hours a week at a cost of nearly $2,000 a month. We had been working on saying bye-bye and leaving the house without taking off running down the street without anyone with him. It had not been going well. I had tried over and over with the help of his ABA consultant and he just couldn't seem to wait to get out - he would tear off like a streak of lightning down the sidewalk toward the street. David would then grab him and bring him back as often as he ran away. I was getting pretty despondent and wondered if he would ever get it. One day David suggested that Morgan's sister, Geneva give it a go. I gladly said yes as I was tired of being disappointed and wearily walked back inside. The Gods were surely smiling down on us because instead of tearing off, he allowed Geneva to hold his hand. When he got about half way down the walk, he turned around, looked up at me and said "bye,bye mama" and gave me his Queen of England backwards wave.

It was as if the sun had just broken through a wall of dark clouds and a chorus of angels were singing. He spoke his first words - for the second time. Since that time we've had lots of second firsts - first kisses (Geneva also an integral part of this one), first peek-a-boo, first successful hair cut, first bike ride, first trip down a slide, first time in a pool - the list is endless and they continue to come, though not as often as he's gotten older.

Second firsts - one of the blessings of having a child with autism. Of course if I had to choose, I would choose only once, but our seconds have been sweet. As I've often told my friends, autism is like the best club that I never wanted to be a member of, but now that I am - I will continue to relish all of my son's firsts, be they the first or second time around.

ATAA - Feel Good Legislation or Potential Resource?

2009-05-25T11:01:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite sites to peruse is Library of Congress Thomas Guide - http://thomas.loc.gov/. The search function is fairly easy to use and it also has a thorough archives section allowing you to search for earlier versions of legislation.

Right now I'm following the Autism Treatment Acceleration Act (HB 2413, S 819). The first bill is sponsored by Rep. Michael Doyle, the second by Sen. Richard Durbin. When I first visited the site on May 15, very little information was available other than the title and that the bill had been read. Since that time quite a bit is available and the bill appears to be quite ambitious.

If passed it will provide for a national network allowing access by parents, medical practitioners, educators and other professionals in the field. It will provide for comprehensive services for school age and adult children as well as training opportunities parents and service providers. Finally it will also supplanting state insurance legislation by requiring coverage for ASD nationally.

In fact both the House and Senate versions of this legislation describes a perfect world for parents of school age and adult children with autism. The one line that is the fly in the ointment is the most important section on appropriations - which we all know is the lifeblood of any legislation - There are authorized to be appropriated for fiscal years 2010 through 2014 such sums as may be necessary to carry out this Act. Herein lies the rub. If passed without an actual dollar amount or if the dollar amount is woefully inadequate, then this idyllic world crashes and burns and morphs into wishful thinking and feel good legislation - designed solely to make us believe that our legislators feel our pain, just not enough to spend any money on.

Marriage - How Badly Can We Suck

2009-05-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

Now that domestic partnerships are being signed into law for gays and lesbians, I think that it is time that heterosexuals take a good look at our own institution of marriage. That’s right - marriage – a social experiment long past needing a make over. We’ve given it a good millennium or two and the jury has long been in – we suck at marriage in it’s current state. So how about we re-visit the institution and it’s terms. When I say we, of course I mean Americans. I also think that as a whole, we have some serious self esteem issues. Re-vamping this tired and broken institution could be a real ego booster. Our stock abroad would soar, or at least improve a bit.

First – marriage in its current state primarily benefits the husband – in hetero unions. I have high hopes for gay marriages, I hope that they set the standard in long term commitment. I know from experience what I speak because my ex-husband didn’t believe in marriage. I was married – he wasn’t. His life went on as it had before and he kept his wedding bands (yes multiple) in an assortment of odd places – like the console of his car (that was later re-po’d and taken away) or at one point – on his key ring? I have no idea what that last one was about psychologically.

But marriage benefits the husband - generally speaking. I have heard tell of a rare kind of union where couples share responsibilities and enjoy each others company, laugh, dance together. I’ve not witnessed nor experienced it so I cannot confirm. It benefits the husband because it’s in our DNA to give and care for and it’s in their DNA to pretend not to see and to be disabled, dim witted or in some other way impaired – when convenient.

Yes – I’m bitter. And a bit wiser – about the farce that we wax so poetic about, incessantly called love. But that’s for a later entry. Marriage is an institution for the insane and it should be a union of like minded people who agree to co-mingle assets and body fluids for a guesstimated period of time, hence a contract.

First of all if we all know that a life time commitment to anything is just silly. Written for a time when a life sentence was maybe 30 years – we now would have to go through 3 of those today. From there the contract could be as specific or general as you want it to be. A contract between two people who agree to behave a certain way for the good of the pair or group as it expands, for a period of time, with liberal options to extend. Whether you choose to bring God into it is your preference. And as far as kids are concerned – who knows whether it’s better to expose them to a loveless, selfish experiment in long term torture OR to the rigors of divorce. Either way, they will definitely have topics to discuss in group or individual therapy.

I think that if marriage vows were written to reflect our collective attention spans we would be better at it. We would also have to revise how marriage statistics were reported. That would be a real image and self esteem booster. If a couple contracted for 5 years with an option chose not to renew – that would go in the success column. Our numbers would soar as would our reputation abroad. Wow – check out the Americans – 92% success rate – how do they do it?!

I envision a time in the distant future when this relic called marriage will be gazed at with great wonder and amazement. Picture it – 500 years in the future a father and son in a museum. “Wow, Dad – you mean people actually stayed together till they died? That would be like 130 years with the same person!” Dad - "Well they didn’t live that long way back then, son. Still it could amount to 50, 60 years. Yep. I hear tell that men would have affairs, online porn and order brides from catalogs. It was a crazy time. Now go find your fifth step sister and 3rd mom twice removed so we can go get lunch.”

It could happen.

The Wonders of Autism

2009-05-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

Not long ago I received a message on my Facebook page in which the writer eluded to my son 'suffering with autism'. I don't know why, but it struck a raw nerve with me. It's a fine line that I must walk - on the one side, autism does change the parents and families and most of the changes aren't positive. On the other hand, I don't know if suffering is the right word.

First of all - I don't think there is much suffering as far as my son is concerned. The word implies way too much environmental awareness, one of his major delays. So instead of lamenting the many negative things, I would like to discuss some of the actually cool things about having a child with autism.

1. No peer pressure. I don't ever have to worry about my son asking me for an XBox, iPhone, Diddy jeans or sneakers that would put me in debt for months. He just doesn't care. About what his peers think about what he's wearing, listening to or playing with. There are no 'gotta have's' in his book other than the things he's obsessing on at the moment. In fact - the day that he does bow to peer pressure will be the day that I consider him recovered.

2. If 'cool' is defined by this lack of concern about appearance, then our kids are the coolest on the planet. They (generally speaking) just don't care what you think about them. My son not long ago walked out of public restroom with his pants around his ankles because he left his iPod on the table and just had to listen to his latest favorite song while he took care of his business. Note: I gave him my old iPod and he was perfectly happy with it, including all of my music. He could have cared less about the gaping jaws and gasps of surprise - he had a need and he took care of it. Period

3. My son can't lie to save his own life. In fact, if he does something that he knows I won't be happy with, he will rat himself out before I find out what he's done. Example - eating too many chips is a constant struggle. If he finds a bag lying around and consumes the entire bag, he will inevitably come to me with a trail of chips following behind like he's leaving clues to find his way home - and announce - "Don't eat too many chips. No - it will make your stomach hard." Gotta love him. Of course now I can't exactly tell him that he can't have anymore chips cause he's already eaten them and informed me that he sees the errors of his ways and has repented. What's a mom to do.

4. He still give me hugs and kisses in public. No matter who is around. My daughter stopped giving PDA by the time she was in 2nd. grade. Nuff said.

5. He likes my music. I don't have to worry about him blasting the latest gangsta rap tune full blast in my car. He prefers smooth jazz, soft rock, old school R & B and even music recorded before I was born. Seriously - Dean Martin, Billie Holliday, Bobby Darin, Frankie Lymon, even Old Blue Eyes aka Frank Sinatra - are on his (and my) iPod. Sorry P Diddy, 50 Cent, Lil Wayne - move over for the Brat Pack.

6. He does not bully or even understand the concept of bullying, fighting or generally tormenting others. He watches more than his fair share of action/adventure movies, but does not take it into his personal life. So much for that theory that aggressive movies translate into aggressive behaviors with my son, and I would venture to guess our kids. Now if you grab his french fries, iPod while he's listening, he'll probably snatch them back without so much as a glance back. But he won't cuss you out or strike out at you.

7. He rarely gets sick. Despite the fact that his diet is deplorable and he doesn't think about jackets, shoes or socks - he rarely catches a sniffle. When he does get sick, be it a cold or queasy stomach, it's over usually before I can even get an appointment to our primary care doctor. If he eats too many chips, fries or ice cream, he barfs and feels better as soon as he's done. And he doesn't seem to be able to get dizzy - ever, no matter how much he spins.

Now admittedly - there are many, many things that can aggravate you to distraction about autism in general and my son's particular brand. I would also love to go back to the days of coping with the typical pre-teen issues that plagued my daughter. In fact - I'm looking forward to one day having these issues with my son. I will glory in the day that he cares what his friends think, because it will tell me that he wants friends. I'm looking forward to his first intentional lie, because it will tell me that he is developing those critical 'theory of mind' skills that he is so lacking today. In the mean time, I will enjoy the completely oblivious, lovey-dovey son that I have today, all the while looking out for those signs that he is becoming more and more aware and more and more like a typical teen.

Common Home Buyer Blunders

2009-05-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

I know that there have been a ton of articles written about the do’s and don’t of buying a home, purportedly directed at the first time homebuyer. Well – first, second or third time around – errors are still made. So I’m going to skip the usual money management approach, as I am not a financial advisor.

I am however a buyer’s agent, meaning I have always represented buyers and in hindsight I am glad to have. So as a home buyer’s agent, I’ve witnessed or discussed with my colleagues the blunders made while actually in the home buying process. Things that are actually counter productive to the process and least likely to produce a stress free (or as close to that ideal as possible) experience all the way to the time you have your house warming event.

I am assuming however that you have been pre-approved before home shopping and you know and feel comfortable with the mortgage amount and estimated monthly payments. Home shopping without a preapproval is like going to the mall without your wallet. Maybe you’ll underestimate how much you have to spend, most likely you will overestimate and then have to go through the emotional pain of reconciling that price with the home you fell in love with as it slips from your grasp.

1. Knowing what you want with the healthy expectation and realization that there is no perfect home. You should know what your ‘can’t live without’ concerns are as well as the ‘would be nice to have’ conditions are. If it’s in the vicinity of a particular school or district, easy access to freeways, close to work, or a particular area – define your conditions and then stick to them. If you need a bedroom large enough to hold a certain amount of furniture, decide in advance if this is important enough to give up a family room or lot size.

2. Seeing too many properties. If you’ve been out to preview 35 homes and you still haven’t found one that you’re ready to make an offer for – review #1 above. After a certain number of homes – it’s difficult to remember how you actually felt about the first or second home that you visited. Even with the most copious notes, whether you could visualize yourself in that home will have escaped you. Oh – and do take notes. I provide my clients with materials to take notes with and few do. I wonder what the conversation later on with the loved one – ‘no, the one we liked today had the island in the kitchen; the one you’re talking about had the steep back yard! Take notes – a few comments at least about favorable homes. The homes that are out of the question – a big X will do.

3. Low balling. Now this is for distressed and non distressed properties. The very real danger of low balling homes that have equity is that you could very well be forcing the seller into short sale conditions where the lien holder would have to take less than is owed – hence now a short sale. Seller’s agents are more than aware of what homes are selling for in the area and based their advised list price to their clients. Your buyer’s agent has access to the same type of information as well as mortgage and purchase history and can equally advise on reasonable offers.

4. Sitting on documents for too long. Home buying involves timelines for each stage of the process from acceptance of counter offers, inspections and appraisals. If you don’t have access to a fax machine in the course of your normal work day or at home, scour the area for an outfit with fax access. There are a number of options – office supply stores (Staples, Office Max, Depot), pharmacies (Walgreens) and shipping and mail centers. If you happen to be a member of a shrinking number of people and don’t have an email account – sign up for one immediately and never disclose to anyone that it is your first one. Seriously, what ever your opinion of an electronic world, it is here to stay and you will need to embrace it if only for the sake of this transaction.

5. Nitpicking the small stuff. This is particularly true in the inspection response phase. Of primary importance is addressing the items of the inspection that affect functionality and value of the property. This would include the roof, foundation, plumbing, electrical and heat. Secondary to that are things that relating to conveniences and appearances. The interior paint, flooring (in most cases), fixtures and window coverings. Your inspector should be able to provide detailed information about the life expectancy for most items as well as information re: the ease or complexity involved with minor updates. Once again, no such thing as a perfect home and most are a perpetual work in progress.

6. As you get closer and closer to closing and alternate between dreaming of yourself living in your new and the fear of an equally new mortgage payment, don’t allow yourself to drift too far in either direction. Exhilaration may tempt you to go off on a tangent and start re-decorating and furnishing your new home before you’ve gotten the key. Particularly in times like today where lenders are particularly skittish when it comes to home loans. Don’t add any thing to your debt load prior to closing, I repeat don’t add to your debt. Even those ‘buy now with no payment for a year’ offers. The debt total is still added to your credit and could shift your ratio and prompt changes in your loan. Wait – you’ll have plenty of time to shop and redecorate in the months and years to come.

7. Finally – be honest and open with your agent. If you’re not comfortable with something, let her/him know. The earlier the better – preferably before the inspection timeline has expired and you still have the option to walk away from the deal without penalty. Your agent then won’t have to scramble and negotiate your way out. The home buying process is a two way street and agency law has developed to ensure that the interests of both parties are protected and considered.

Buying a home does not have to be stressful or draining. In fact, it can be pleasant and exhilarating. You’re moving to another chapter in your life when you can set the stage with the colors and textures of your own choosing. The place that you return to at the end of your day for nurturing, relaxation and rejuvenation can evolve into your particular brand of oasis. Your buyer’s agent can only aid in that endeavor with your cooperation and support. The above are just a few tips to making it so. Happy house hunting.

Mentoring for Fellow Parents

2009-05-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

I've been walking the walk and following the path of autism for over a decade now. f I close my eyes I can still see the room where I received the news of my son's autism. I was sitting in a chair near a window not far from the doctor's desk. In front of me and to the left was a round table with an assortment of toys, puzzles, toy cars, legos. To the right near the door was a tall cabinet filled to the brim with toys as well. My doctor was sitting at his desk to my right looking at his pager and computer screen alternately as he told me in a monotone voice that my son had autism.

From that point I seemed to enter the Twilight Zone. The desk, toy cabinet and door appeared to recede and the floor almost seemed to stretch. When I looked up confused, it seemed as if the doctor was far, far away and I couldn't understand his words anymore. Had I taken a hit of acid without knowing?

That was almost 10 years ago. Before that time I really thought I was a 'model' parent. Since then I've grown in ways that I didn't think possible. I've learned more than I cared to about brain functioning, early childhood development, home repair and even plumbing and along the way I've been mentored and have mentored whenever opportunity has presented itself. In recent months I've had more than a few opportunities to offer what I've learned to lesser experienced parents. What folows is the answer to a few of those questions. If you have a question, feel free to ask away and I will do my best to provide the best of my experiences to assist.

I am trying to find out if you all have any suggestions for my high-functioning autism son (age 5 ½) who is very sound sensitive. Mark's (not his real name) school is still recommending earmuffs (the big, rifle range kind) as an accommodation for Ben when he is upset when other students are screaming, shouting or crying. Ben used his earmuffs at school A LOT last year, and has decreased his usage significantly this year. Another accommodation at school that works for Mark is to go out into the hallway (“quiet space”), sit and draw for awhile until everyone calms down. However, this removes him from the class rather than the disruptive child, hmmm? What else could we try?

What other sensory tools do you know of that might help Ben at school?

I can so relate to what is happening to your son. My son is very sensitive to sound, unless it is a sound that he is making. For the longest time it was baffling - how a child who produced so much noise could be sensitive to sounds that other people/things made. I don't think about it anymore, I just try to solve the problems that ensue. When he was younger, he was much more sensitive then he is now - he's 12 and can tolerate a lot more sounds then when he was 5 so it will improve. I did a lot of things to get where we are today - maybe a few will work for you.

1. Audio integration therapy. We did 10 days, twice a day when he was around 5. After he was able to tolerate the vacuum cleaner and refrigerator (and other background humming sounds) where wasn't able to before.
2. At school we did a lot of scheduling to make sure he new when a particularly irritating sound was coming up - school bells and the God awful fire drills.
3. Social stories for fire drills and school bells.
4. We paired him with someone who didn't mind the noise for him to model - this didn't work as well in early years, better as he got older.
5. Ear plugs - there are several different types. Morgan tolerates the soft ones that look like putty. They mold to the shape of his ear and stay in better. I also learned from experience to let him put them in - he seems to know how to make them mold to his ear the best. We tried the larger stick type with very little success - they would fall out and are a lot more noticeable. We were offered the personal PA system (where teacher talks directly to child in head phones) but I wanted him to eventually learn to filter sounds, so refused it.

Over the years Morgan has gotten much better with sounds. We still use ear plugs but in places that we didn't before. For example, he uses ear plugs during orchestra and music lessons. He has gotten to the point where he surprises me with the sounds that he can tolerate and yes he still produces a lot of sounds himself that can be annoying to others. But I imagine that will also get better too.

If you have a question that relates to your special needs child, add it to the comments and I will do my best to answer. If I don't have the necessary experience, I will consult with my many friends and professional associates for an appropriate answer. I have been fortunate in my history to have received much valuable information, resources and advice from parents that have been doing this for much longer than myself. I feel that it is my duty to continue paying it forward when ever I can, so ask away. Looking forward to it.

Bank Stress Tests - Upbeat or Dismal?

2009-05-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

The much anticipated bank tests were released yesterday and they were much more positive than many expected - at least according to The Seattle Times and The New York Times. But not so if you read what Turner Radio Network in their report of 'leaks' of the results http://www.mini-url.me/b4wyhn. According to their leaked source "Of the top nineteen (19) banks in the nation, sixteen (16) are already technically insolvent.". So who are we to believe?

According to the New York Times writer Edmund L Andrews, 10 of the 19 banks scrutinized will have to come up with 75 billion in capital, Bank of America alone has to raise 34.9 billion. So whats a poor little old bank supposed to do under these dire circumstances? Well I hope that it is along the lines of what Timothy Geitner is quoted in the same article - “With the clarity that today’s announcement will bring, we hope banks are going to get back to the business of banking,”. Banking - what a new concept, instead of the real estate holding companies that they have become in recent months.

To get more clarity, I submitted a question to staff writer, Binyamin Appelbaum with the Washington Post in one of their live chat sessions - on this very issue. My question(s) -

"I've gathered from the newly released stress test results that most of our banks need to raise capital. Is there anything that can be done to get them to start selling some of the distressed properties that most seem to be hell bent on holding on to? In my town last week there were 530 distressed listings on our MLS (bank owned, short, foreclosure) out of a total of 706 listings. That's over 75%. Yet if an agent can find a buyer that can actually get a loan, most of the homes available require lien-holder approval and guess what -- they aren't giving it. So the properties just sit and buyers wait until they can't wait anymore. We all know that most homes are undervalued just as they were overvalued 5 years ago, but isn't 50-75% of something better than 100% of nothing? Shouldn't banks get back to lending and get out of the real estate business? Wouldn't that raise capital and also increase prices and value?"

This was his answer to me:

"Officials hope that the results will encourage banks to start selling troubled assets including foreclosed homes.

The logic goes like this: The banks now need to find private investors (to avoid taking money from the government). Those investors want to put money in banks that are in good shape. So the banks have an incentive to clean house, so to speak."

I certainly do hope he's right. It's not bad enough that buyers are having a harder and harder time to get approved. They are required to have higher credit scores, lower debt to income ratios and still subjected to layer upon layer of additional fees. then when they have finally secure a loan - a home is still far from their reach. Gone are the days of 'no doc' loans, stated income loans, sub-prime loans, buyers today are vetted in a way that many of Obama's cabinet nominees have not been, and still no home run. The few home buyers that do venture into the fray,mostly first time buyers, can see the prize, are aware of prices lower than ever before, yet they can't seem to close. Not because their agents aren't working harder than ever, but because most homes are distressed and require lienholder approval - a thing that is more rare than a current homeowner with equity.

Whether banks shore up their capital by selling common stock, converting preferred shares to common stock, with private investors or any combination - it is well past time for them to do as Mr Geithner has suggested - "Let's get back to banking" - and leave real estate to real estate agents and brokers.

A Different World

2009-05-02T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today I had a most pleasant surprise, one that has left me more than a little hopeful that my son will have a place in this world when he is an adult. We’re in Portland, OR for a much deserved trip earned for giving his all on his track team and for running the 75 yard dash with a time of 10:49 and in 3rd to last place. For me it was like winning the Bronze medal in the Olympics, especially in comparison to where my son was earlier this year.

Running does not come natural for my son. Like many children with autism, his motor planning is delayed and he does not coordinate his legs and arms for smooth running and speed. It was only with 6 weeks of practice with the team and with his home aid, combined with the occasional dance lesson that he was finally able to put the two together to reach his top speed.

Today was uplifting though because of the experience we had in a local IHOP – my son’s favorite place for pancakes. Even though he has been to our IHOP numerous times, today’s outing was still questionable, because it wasn’t ‘our’ IHOP and usually the slightest change in routine can bring on anxiety for both my son and me. This trip was no different in the beginning – since it was crowded, we had to wait for a table. Morgan watched plate after plate of pancakes parade in front of him and I could feel him getting impatient. At one time he wandered over to the waiter’s corner and seemed just about to snatch a pancake off a plate. Right about this time the hostess came over and led us to our table. The waiting wasn’t done yet, however. Morgan wanted to know ‘how long’. When she told me that it would be 20 minutes at least, I cringed and saw Morgan frown, but sat down to wait. Not 5 minutes later, the manager came over and told me that he would have our order rushed and we got our food shortly thereafter. That was the miracle – the manager noticed my son’s anxiety and did something about it. That’s it – sounds simple enough, but I can’t tell you how many times in the past we’ve been forced to just wait – a simple act for many, but pure torture for my son and thereby for me.

The miracle continued however. My son is as large as a typical 10 year old (though he’s 12) but still can’t manage to cut his own food into bite sizes. He also hums and babbles quite a bit – I’ve become accustomed to it, but many people who don’t know him are often taken aback. I’ve also gotten used to the stares and whispers. Today there were no whispers and stares, instead a few moms actually smiled at Morgan and tried to engage with him. After our meal, Morgan went back to our table and stroked a woman’s cheek and she didn’t cringe, but instead said hello and told him what a good boy he was. Amazing. Nobody cringed, no one stared, and no one complained or pulled their children away like my son was contagious or afraid. I was calm and relieved and actually was able to finish my meal in relative peace.

I don’t quite know how to explain it - I believe it is a combination of things. I am better in how I handle my son in public. People are more aware of autism and the quirks and habits that it brings. Maybe even more of them have children with autism of their own – nieces, nephews, grand’s and great grand’s. I do know that the rate of autism is even higher in Oregon than in Washington State, if you believe the Department of Education statistics. I’m also sure that my son has a large part to do with it – he is calmer, better able to wait and understand his environment. Whatever – I am truly grateful and also more hopeful. Now if I could just get the school district to be at least as generous.

The Arc of King County - Parent to Parentpresents "Sharing the Journey" A Helping Parent Training.

2009-04-27T21:51:00.000-07:00

From the Arc of King County, Washington list serve

When you learned your child had a disability, your life's journey was set in a new and unexpected direction. Was there someone who reached out andoffered to walk beside you? Or do you just wish there had been? Parent to Parent's "Helping Parent Training" offers the opportunity to come along side of families who are beginning their journeys and give them hope that they are not alone.

Parent to Parent is a support network of parents of children with developmental disabilities, sharing the journey together. By participating in this training, you have the opportunity to become a Helping Parent volunteer and become available to assist families dealing with a new diagnosis. This free training provides an opportunity to explore your own story, to share with and learn from others, enhance your communication skills and learn how to best to support new parents. It's a wonderful opportunity to "pay it forward" to those who have helped you along the way!

Friday evening will be a "get to know you" dinner, and your family is invited to attend. Our current Helping Parents will be there to share their experiences and we will give a brief overview of the program. We will have some on site childcare available afterdinner for the adult "talk time".

Saturday will be the main training session. Friday evening, June 5, 2009, 6:00 pm – 8:30 pm -dinner will be provided. Saturday, June 6, 2009, 9:30 am - 2:30 pm -lunch will be provided.

Childcare stipends available for Saturday upon request.At The Arc of King County233 Sixth Avenue N., Seattle, WA 98109 http://www.arcofkingcounty.org/

Space is limited so please RSVP early or by Friday, May 29, 2009 Please call Cathy Murahashi, Outreach & Advocacy Coordinator, Parent to Parent (206) 819.7039 – (425) 643-4048 or email to cmurahashi@arcofkingcounty.org.

Statewide, there are 26 Parent to Parent community programs serving all 39 counties. Locally, Parent to Parent is a program of The Arc of King County, a non-profit organization serving children and adults with developmental disabilities and their families.

Another Ferry Ride

2009-04-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

Morgan and I went on yet another ferry ride to his favorite, or rather, only destination - Bremerton, WA. Or as he likes to refer to it - 'a long ride'. He only likes this run because it's 60 minutes, compared to the 20 minute run to Bainbridge Island.

In the last 5 years, we've gone on over a hundred rides to Bremerton. It was at this time that I discovered that the break for the Fall and Winter months just weren't working for Morgan, for by the time Spring rolled around again, he had forgotten everything he had learned about riding. Children with autism need lots of repetition for pretty much everything, even preferred activities, to remember the process and rules. Things like - no running on the ferry, you have to stay with Mom and most importantly - when it's time to get off you have to say 'okay'. No time off for the weary Mom - repetition is the only key. I began videotaping our trips to help Morgan remember the rules by showing him successful trips. He now has a video library to watch when he has down time which he watches with iTunes background music. One of these days, I'll figure out how to mix the two together so he has his fav tunes with his fav trips.

So we now use the ferry as incentive to try harder in school, for following rules in Orchestra or doing his very best in track. I also keep up the pace to keep the lessons fresh in his mind. So, we went on yet another ferry ride this weekend. The video here is actually from another ferry ride, but you get the idea - scenic views, waves lapping against the ferry, wind - blah, blah. I hate to sound jaded, but after you've hit 100 - it's just another boat
.

We have a pattern for our trips to Bremerton, which we have only recently been able to vary. We drive onto the ferry, go upstairs and sit to eat our breakfast (usually bagels & cream cheese), then Morgan begins his boat tour, going from bow to stern and from port and starboard to port, then back again. About 15 minutes before we dock, I begin counting down the time, reminding Morgan that when it's time to get off he will say ' okay'.

In the early years I had to use a written schedule to remind him of what was coming next. Now, I just have to count him down. We still have a few times when he doesn't comply and I have had to get the ferry personnel to help me out on numerous occasions. This has become less and less frequent with time. I think he has finally figured out that there will always be another ferry ride.

When we get to Bremerton, we either go to Evergreen Rotary park or we have lunch. I let him decide which he wants to do first. On this particular trip, he chose the park first. I try to keep in mind that Morgan needs to exercise making choices and also becoming more independent, so I let him choose what's next and the restaurant. Like many children with autism however, open ended questions don't work, so I still have to give him a list to choose from, but I still try with 'where do you want to eat' - just to see.

Sometimes I bring our bikes with us to ride around the park, but I seem to have misplaced a critical piece to the bike rack, so that choice isn't available yet. This time I brought his skateboard and he seemed to be happy with that. I have to use constant reminders with Morgan to stay where he can see me. I can't say where I can see you because perspective taking is not his strong suit. Even though we've been to this park and stood on the pier literally hundreds of times, Morgan never seems to tire of it. Water seems to call to him and he could live on the beach or better still, on the ferry to Bremerton.

Next week we have a train ride to Portland to celebrate his most successful track season yet. I hope to be able to videotape him boarding and exiting the train, so he can remember how it's done, along with much of the scenery along the way. It's been quite a while since we've done this so, wish me luck.

Not first but also not last - that's progress.

2009-04-23T23:42:00.000-07:00

After more than 2 years on the school sponsored track team, my son finally figured out what it means to 'run fast'. Though he didn't win the 6th grade open 75 yard dash, he crossed the finish line not long after the runner in front of him and he kept a pretty fast clip for the duration.

If this doesn't sound impressive to you, consider that my son has autism and has significant issues with motor planning. Motor planning is what the rest of us do automatically and it tells us where our bodies are and helps us coordinate movement, keep our balance and plan the steps that are necessary for those movements. For example, running and moving your arms to propel our bodies forward and increase thrust comes natural to most people, but is a task that is very difficult for my son. After over 2 years on the school track team you will see that he is beginning to move his arms and legs in concert for faster movement. My son is on the far right of the screen in the second to last lane.

He performed equally as well in the 4 x 75 yard relay team making a near perfect transfer of the baton resulting in his open relay team coming in second to last. My son is running the second leg of the relay in the second row from the left.

Once again, this demonstrates the progress he has made since his first season in the 4th. grade. I am so proud of my son and he continually amazes me with how hard he works at things that he doesn't have a natural interest in.

In the Beginning

2009-04-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

Three months after President Obama was inaugurated as our 44th. President, many things have changed and unfortunately many things have stayed the same. It’s difficult to find the good in all the news that is constantly streaming on line, on the 24 hour news channels and in the few print outlets left, but there are glimmers of hope.

Applications for loans have increased both for homes and for small business. Stimulus money is beginning to flow to projects across the nation and there are reports of a few wise and compassionate corporations and municipalities that have chosen to scale back rather than lay off. (City of Kent Employees agrees to pay cuts to save job - http://www.pnwlocalnews.com/south_king/ken/news/41692792.html and Costco - http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/businesstechnology/2008996669_nolayoffs07.html ). So how did we get to where we are now and what is to be done by regular people, working 9-5 jobs and trying to raise our children to have lives at least as prosperous as their parents? I think it began decades ago with the creation of ‘reality’ based television programs and the beginning of when people could become famous for doing nothing other than being famous.

In the beginning there was ‘Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous’, followed by in depth profiles in magazines featuring the homes of celebrities with their fleets of luxury and vintage cars housed in garages large enough to house The Brady Bunch and Partridge Family combined and the race was on. Unlike the golden days of celebrity worship in the 40’s and 50’s, the new age of aspiring for riches was omnipresent and seemed attainable, even if it meant maxing out your credit cards and leveraging your future and your child’s future to do it.

Flash forward 20+ years, add deregulation of the mortgage and credit industries along with a blind obsession with more, bigger, better and ostentatious consumption and you have a financial and moral crisis unlike any before. Add to this mix a steady stream of ‘reality’ TV depicting the rich and famous, contestants vying for the chance to become rich and famous and non stop offers on the internet and late night TV to get rich by following a few simple steps and also passing on the names of every friend and family member in your rolodex.

We were no longer content to have a little 3 bedroom 2 bath homes on a little lot, close enough to schools and playgrounds. We had to have marble, granite, hard wood and tile throughout, bonus rooms, recreation rooms and kitchens with islands and eat in dining and formal dining, so builders and developers built to suit the growing wants and demands. We were no longer content with a car big enough for our family, but had to have one that was bigger and grander than anything on the block, with no regard to the price of gas or the interest rates we were paying. Of course, banks and credit companies were more than willing to comply with our growing appetite for living beyond our needs and our means.

I once read once that we in this country don’t have a housing crisis, but a crisis of expectations. But I don’t blame only the consumers, I blame the people selling and companies that actively sought to deceive people into believing that constant consumption was desirable and anything to the contrary was almost un-American. I also blame the anti-regulation crowd who actually expect us to believe that financial institutions have the ethics and incentives to keep the consumers best interest in mind when there are large bundles of money to be made.

So what can we do to counter and reverse history today? We can reject consumption for the sake of consumption. We can reject people who believe in and promote conspicuous consumption be it our favorite movie star, athlete, neighbor or business associate. We can pass up the magazines that celebrate public figures for the number of cars sitting in their opulent garages and for the number of homes they own. We can stop watching the inane reality shows that encourage people to compete to ridiculous ends for the sake of winning millions or for more objects to fill up our homes. We can start instead celebrating and honoring people who serve – our children in schools, patients in hospitals, seniors in our homes and retirement facilities and our veterans who gave the ultimate service of country. In short we can return to valuing character and excellence over bank accounts, square footage and horse power. After all, if we’ve learned nothing from this current financial crisis, it’s what’s really important – integrity, responsibility, service and compassion. Everything else is subject to fluctuations in the economy and can be wiped out by one corrupt and eager business man.

Home Sales Improving in Pacific Northwest

2009-04-18T00:36:00.000-07:00

For the first time in 6 months, pending sales around Western Washington have increased, according to the Northwest Multiple Listing Service.

According to the MLS, last months pending sales increased by 25%, from over 4,550 transactions to 5,701. In the same time period, sales decreased by 5.6% compared to a year ago but still at the highest level since September 2008. Inventory also fell more than 14%, with 39,825 active listings for single family homes and condominiums compared to 46,358 listings a year ago. Inventory also fell more than 14% with fewer new listings added during March.

Many experts think that increased open house traffic and more ‘for sale’ signs indicate renewed buyer confidence and activity. Buyers are also actively searching the internet and becoming more knowledgeable before seeking the assistance of their agent.

Sales are increasing in part because of deeply discounted prices and also because of the newly instated $8,000 first time homebuyer tax credit. Sales are increasing all across the Puget Sound region with increases in the Seattle area of over 35% and nearly 40% in Southwest King County. In fact, seven of the 19 counties in our MLS system have shown gains in comparison to February.

Though we have not completely recovered from the housing recession, we are definitely moving in that direction.

Life Support for Journalism

2009-04-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

My first impression after I read the front page of Sunday’s Seattle Times was – ‘PLEASE FOR HEAVENS SAKES,STOP’. This was one day after reading and following the horrors of the gun man on the rampage in upstate New York and enough was just enough. Ironically in a seperate editorial piece entitled ‘Breathing new life into journalism’ written by John Nichols and Robert McChesney, the death of print media was lamented.

The editorial piece bemoans the death of print journalism and attempts to place the blame on corporate ownership, less reliance on local journalists and an overreliance on less expensive fluff. The irony of this piece of editorial genius is pretty obvious – it was written by syndicated national pundits deploring the dearth of local journalism. Here is a direct quote – “The crisis can be traced to the 1970’s, when corporate ownership and consolidation of newspapers took off. Managers quickly began to satisfy the demand from investors for ever-increasing returns by cutting journalists and shutting news bureaus.” Here is the irony - Nichols is a correspondent for The Nation’s Washington correspondent and an editor at the Capital Times. He is also the author of The Rise and Rise of Richard B. Cheney and Jews for Buchanan. Robert W. McChesney is a professor at the University of Illinois and the author of the award winning Rich Media, Poor Democracy. Not exactly local journalism.

I have a different theory. Maybe it’s the general belief amongst most media outlets that sensationally graphic mind blowing horror sells. If you peruse most headlines you would believe that on every corner in this country lies a mass murdering psychopath waiting to pounce on innocent children, churches, senior centers and schools. It’s as if they scan the police scanners nationwide waiting for the ultimate SWAT team call so that they can once again remind us of how truly horrible the world really is.

This is in complete contrast with the actual numbers for violent crime in the US. According to FBI crime statistics, violent crime actually fell by 3.5% in 2008. So why the back to back shooting sprees on the front page of our local papers? That wasn’t a rhetorical question – I really want to know what your theories are. Is it the misguided notion that horror sells almost as well as scandals and sex? Is it the ease in which the papers can cover it – after all you don’t even have to go to the crime scene, you can just turn on any of the news channels to get up to the minute, play by play coverage. Is it also a part of the copy cat syndrome – one severely disturbed person gets the idea from another emotionally scarred and deranged person being covered on the news? Is it a coincidence that the father in Washington State shot his children less than 24 hours after the non stop coverage of the idiot on a rampage in New York?

I don’t know about you – but I have had just about all the bad news I can handle for a life time just in the last 6 months. I’m tired of turning on the news – be it local or national – to hear more bad news. Between the bail outs, mortgage crisis, and war in Iraq, Afghanistan, auto makers going broke and the unemployment statistics – I have had enough. I’m not saying that journalists should lie to us, but can you just stop trying to out do each other with the worst news? All the bad news fit to print and video loop over and over ad nauseum in a ‘me too’ style of news coverage. To repeat from earlier – PLEASE STOP. Not only will you be giving us news consumers a much needed break, you might also improve your standing in the world of journalism, whatever that is supposed to mean these days.

World Autism Day in Olympia, WA

2009-04-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

World Autism Day at the capitol in Olympia, WA was a complete success for me personally and I’m pretty sure for the other attendees of our Autism Day rally. The United Nations declared April 2nd as Autism Awareness Day in 2007 in order to bring the world’s attention to autism and to encourage early diagnosis and intervention.

The day for us began well enough even though the weather did not appear to be cooperating. I was more than adequately prepared for the day with bagels for breakfast on the trip down, Morgan’s fully charged iPod, my fully charged video iPod with a brand newly downloaded action/adventure movie for Morgan to watch during the boring parts, earplugs in case both iPods malfunctioned, GPS for the trip down and video camera to record the event for posterity. First rule of autism - be prepared/over prepared for all possibilities. It's better to be over prepared and early than underprepared and late.

We arrived an hour early as I seriously over estimated how long it would take to drive down and find the capitol. This was perfect as it gave us more than enough time to take a stroll down to the water front at Olympia Park. Morgan was thrilled as he is he always is involving with anything involving parks and water. He skipped ahead, following my directions and kept his promises the whole way. The Gods were indeed smiling upon us.

The days events were actually 15 - 20 minutes late starting, which appears to be par for the course, even for events serving or concerning autism. I'm perplexed why this occurs as often as it does, as the organizers are usually people who themselves have children with autism. It's hard enough to maintain composure while strategizing around your child's particular sensitivities, be it sound, light, crowds or boredom, without also having to force him to endure for what surely appears to be an endless amount of inactivity. Note to organizers - remember who you are working so hard for and to accomodate them, the beneficiaries - not the speech makers and organizers.

The event was hosted by Miss Lewis County - Hannah Ash - who chose 'Embracing Autism ' as her platform and has worked with our kids and did a graceful job as emcee. Arzu Forough - my comrade, hero and founder of Washington Autism Advocacy was honored for her tireless work on insurance coverage for ASD in our state. Legislators were honored for their work on behalf of our kids as well, but none were as moving as the kids that were chosen to speak for themselves. I can only hope that if I continue to work and advocate for my own son that he too will be able to stand and speak for himself with the same level of passion and eloquence.

Overall, I was pleased with the rally and humbled by the tireless work of the children present in the audience and at the podium. I was also inspired and proud of mom, Olympic power lifter and resident of the Pacific NW, Melanie Roach who spoke of her toughest challenge yet - raising a child with autism. Truly puts it into perspective - she stated that training for the Olympics was no comparison.

Even though we had to leave early - 1 1/2 hours was just about my son's limit on speeches - I did video a portion of the day. Please excuse the quality as I am not a cinematographer and we were in the rotunda of the capital which distorted the sound quality and while many school tours were going on at the same time.

Dear Mr. President,

2009-04-01T23:10:00.000-07:00

The following is a letter written to the President via his enormous web presence and in response to one of his queries.

Congratulations on an incredible win and much luck on your first term (hint-hint) in office. I was one of millions, who volunteered to make this win possible and was more excited about your campaign then at any other time of my voting life,

I am concerned about your much touted and criticized stimulus plan. I hope that you will not lose your edge and won’t forget the middle class families that have gone ignored year after year and president after president. I was still in college when Reagan introduced the ‘trickle down’ theory of economics and as of yet have not felt a drop. I also listen to the many conservative political pundits who claim that big government is a problem and deficit spending will not cure our problems as if the last 8 years didn’t happen on their watch and as if free market economics is the be all and end all. Free market economics got us 103% loans, interest only loans and a pharmaceutical industry that has immunity from any future damages from potentially harmful drugs. In my opinion that’s the kind of thinking that has gotten us to where we are – assuming that big business will police and restrain themselves and protect small business and consumers all the while disparaging low income families and the disabled for needing assistance while taking billions in corporate welfare themselves.

I am a single mother of a son with autism working in the worst real estate market in more than 35 years. I chose real estate so that I could have the flexibility to continue advocating for my son, not knowing that the market would completely drop off the radar. In my zip code alone there are nearly 200 homes that have been on the market for the last 2 years. Lenders are becoming more and more stringent with their requirements and the foreclosure rate continues to rise. Yet I still hear of CEO bonuses, parties and disgruntled executives complaining about a $500,000 cap on executive pay. In the Pacific Northwest, there is nearly a year’s worth of inventory yet no one can get a loan.

I guess what I’m trying to say is – it’s time for the financial sector to pay the piper and it shouldn’t be on the backs of the rest of the country. If they don’t like the half million salary cap, let them try unemployment for a while. If they don’t like oversight, let them resign and see how many hundreds of resumes are received for each vacancy. Or maybe they can try their luck at unloading some of their assets and watch them sit for the next couple of years. They could also see if they will qualify for a loan for a home more in line with their new lower income status. Please don’t let them off the hook for all the devastation and pain that they have caused. It is more than past time for the gap between wealthy and middle income to close a bit. I am also sick to death of hearing how the top 2% produce so much when the workers actually do the producing – most wealthy Americans are just compounding their legacy - they don’t ‘make’ anything. It just makes no sense that the wealthier 2% of our country should make more than the bottom 50 or 60%. It also makes no sense that I should be working harder to make less while the wealthier get richer and richer while producing nothing for the rest of us. Please don’t let us down and don’t let the banks and financial sector off the hook. Wall Street will rebound and adapt to new rules of play and middle class Americans have suffered for far too long.

This is My Dance and it’s Called Autism

2009-04-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

I’m Dancing as Fast as I can

I’m taking a shower
The first that I’ve had in days
Autism is waiting outside my door
He’s pounding tapping, clicking, humming ….. again

Still dancing

This is supposed to be my time
My special time
Basic needs, stay clean, eat, sleep
Why does it feel so good to stand under this spray of water now?
But it is after 9pm and again the doubts come
I should be enjoying this time alone
But I can’t

Still going, still dancing

Did he get any gluten today, any casein?
Did I talk to him enough ?
Was I short with him ?
Wasn’t there some article I was supposed to read today?

I’m dancing as fast as I can

My daughter needs me too
Is she going to hate me later?
All the time spent
Looking, looking, searching
For an answer to this puzzle

I’m dancing as fast as I can

And what about my marriage?
Is there a marriage?
I should go in and talk to him
But I’m so tired, so tired

I’m dancing as fast as I can

And what about the environment, the war, South Africa?
I care, I really do
But …….

The dance continues

Then there is the music
The music I’m listening to now
Music that makes me sad
But it’s also music that I hope that he will play one day
In my minds eye, he’s playing, singing, understanding

I’m dancing as fast as I can

Family
I want family, always have
Just not in the cards for me
But, it’s Thanksgiving, soon to be Christmas
Don’t have time
To nurture, make the phone calls, write the newsletters, extend the invititations
Make an attempt at having a life

I’m dancing as fast as I can

Why, why me
Well why not you –bitch?
What makes you so special
Other people, in other worlds, other times
Have had hard times, sad times, struggles
Why not you ?

I’m dancing as fast as I can

Still
Maybe the next life
Maybe time travel is really possible
Go back and erase it all
Haven’t I paid the price ?
Paid for being selfish, inconsiderate, judgemental and superior?
I’m sorry – take it all away and I promise I’ll be better next time

I’m dancing as fast as I can

What else is there to do?

Recovering from religion

2009-03-19T22:47:00.000-07:00

I am a recovering atheist. I think I’m at the acceptance phase, or step 11 in the 12 step program. I’m saying that my higher power is me. Religion and all that it stands for is all just way more work then its worth.

It pains me to say it since most of my family professes to some degree of Christianity. But I doubt that any of them will be reading this, so I have a certain amount of freedom. Also, considering a few of the people who have boasted of their love of God, -Jim and Tammy Faye Baker, Jerry Falwell, George Bush – they have embarrassed some of us who have been hanging on by a thread anyway.

I’ve always felt impaired when it came to spirituality. I didn’t feel what everyone else seemed to feel, never felt any better after prayer, or the guiding hand of anyone in my life. It’s like whatever language was being spoken, I didn’t speak, didn’t understand or there was too much static on the line. And can someone please explain to me why ‘speaking in tongues’ all sounds strangely alike? It’s all – la, la, la, la, followed by gibberish, then some more lalala’s. But anyway, I never got it or felt anything spiritual or mystical. But I stuck with it, hoping that I too would feel the certainty and satisfaction that my peers seemed to have. I’ve been away from the church too – always returning after a few years, hopeful that I would get it this time. Well, no more. Done that, been there.

It always starts the same with the initial honeymoon stage. That’s when everyone likes you and each other and we’re all one in the spirit. Then the cracks in the façade begin to show – sniping amongst the chosen leaders, someone is seen somewhere ‘inappropriate’, the occasional out of wedlock or extramarital pregnancy and finally straight up insanity – someone is dis-fellowshipped or asked to leave the flock. The level of hypocrisy in some churches is astounding and I will no longer take part.

The attraction to religion and supreme beings is seductive and self serving, particularly as we get older. The closer we get to the ‘jumping off’ point, the more we want to believe that there is something, anything else. I understand that. Whether you’ve had a privileged life or a life of poverty and pain, as you near the end you’re bound to think – ‘is that it, no do-over, no bonus plan?’ So I get part of the attraction – it’s like an insurance plan for the ever after. The religion that you choose then determines what kind of pay off you’ll get – heaven, virgins, re-incarnation or as Scientologists believe – evolving on to another form. You pay into the plan as you go by following the rules and protocol and by recruiting others to do the same. Recruiting is big in all religions, you must get others to believe and behave as you do.

I would like to create a religious smorgasbord of sorts, where you get to pick and choose all the things you like in a cafeteria, ala carte. I would then load up on the extra lives thing. I think this is why celebrities are converts and followers of Ron L. It’s all about the benefits package, the chance for a spiritual do over and rewards for a life of piety and compassion

Why I Don't Watch Network News

2007-03-21T18:39:00.000-07:00

I consider myself to be a well informed citizen, consumer and parent. But I can’t watch mainstream news programs or shows. And that’s the crux right there. They are shows, just like the sitcoms and the insane number of ‘reality based’ shows on the air. (Don’t get me started on them!) Only difference is it seems as if the news shows are designed to make you want to go outside and shoot yourself in the head. In fact, I think that it would be an effective and safe interrogation procedure. Force all terrorists suspects to watch back to back, endlessly streaming, on multiple screens and computer monitors - network news. I’m talking the big 3 and their little mini clones – NBC, CBS, ABC along with Fox and UPN or whatever their name is this week. At least two screens 50 inches or more featuring CNN and that irritating crawl that always has useful little tidbits like where Michael Jackson is living or some new shocking celebrity divorce – as if I care where Michael is and what (or who) he’s doing. I’m Black and I don’t care about Michael.

Network news at it’s best is depressing and at the same time silly. I don’t know who’s choosing their lead stories, but they may want to re-visit that selection process. And their attention span is almost autistic. Some shocker story is reported with obvious future implications, usually lead or at most the second story. Hard hitting investigative reporting. We’re shocked or vindicated and then – nothing. No follow up, nothing beyond the novelty of the moment. Case in point is the story about the off shore oil royalties that 3 major oil companies had profited to the tune of 10 billion annually due to an error on their lease. 3 out of 4 of the oil companies that benefited from this error said they might be willing to adjust their lease and one was flat out refusing. The key word there is might. They are thinking about changing a lease that allowed them to avoid paying 10 billion annually in taxes. It was under consideration., in committee, maybe some kind of cost benefit analysis was being done. Do we get to argue with the Internal Revenue Service when we are audited? Are we allowed to say ‘I’ll think about it ‘ when we get penalized by the IRS? I think not. Just ask Wesley Snipes. But I digress. Meanwhile, Exxon Mobil's 2005 net income for the year came to $1,146 a second and I was paying almost $40 to fill up a Dodge Caravan. So…. Was there a follow up story? Did the oil companies have to pay or did the committee come back with a vote of no. We don’t know because network news punked out, probably moving on to more titillating news like Star Jones’ diet and wedding or Michael Richards losing his mind.

Nope. I now get information from vanguard sources like The Daily Show or his partner in crime, The Colbert Report. I also get a lot on line, but not from my Comcast home page, but from links provided by organizations that I trust, along with their links. Organizations like the Autism Society of Washington and America, FEAT (Families for Effective Autism Treatment) and AutismOne. I also have in my favorites – Wrights Law (an excellent resource for special education law), the National Institute of Mental Health, the US Embassy and the Library of Congress.

Network news has too much of what I like to call the Alien factor. If you’re watching a network broadcast and you find your head tilting to the side and your eyebrows crinkling and you’re thinking ‘What the …..? Did I just spend 3 valuable minutes of my life listening to that? I much preferred the substance and demeanor of a Dan Rather who didn’t give lip service to stories that aren’t really stories, but fluff. Stories that newspapers refer to as ‘filler’ used to fill in the spaces when the advertising that they have forces them to print 2 or 4 extra pages. Maybe the solution is to go all out Hollywood, tuxes and glam gowns, dancing girls and flexing jocks and lots more fashion/shopping tips year round not just at Back to School and Christmas. Then they can get voted off they air like every other television show on the air.

A Different Kind of Crazy

2007-01-10T23:02:00.000-08:00

Why are men so crazy? I know that’s a huge generalization, but …. in my world, majority rules. So excuse me if I’m not talking about the slim minority of Denzel like or Tom Hanks type of guy. You know – squeaky clean, sensitive while still sexy, manly and alluring. (Side note here: it makes me sad that I can no longer include Bill Cosby in that group.) Hence, most are just a tad insane.

Number 1 in the world of crazy is the Alpha Male type. You’ll know them by their edgy demeanor, easy yet robust laughter, quick smile and popularity. Alpha males are very well liked. But there is a dark cloud to this easy going guy. My theory is that it’s all part of a grand design to cover for a multitude of deep seeded self esteem issues. So he over compensates and hopes that no one notices. This fellow is just a tad to rough, both in words and actions. His attempts at affection or compassion are both awkward and painful. And he might get mad at you for mentioning that he caused you pain. Like it’s your fault that he hurt you. This mental health client will also start discussions around some particularly sore topic and then hammer away relentlessly, until – surprise, surprise, hurtful things are said. Then, crazy times two, show up later for ‘make up ‘sex. Now I know you probably have been seduced by the hype that popular movies and television have sold us surrounding ‘make up’ sex, so I hate to bust some bubbles. But, there is a limit, or maybe it’s a line that you cross at some point. And then make up sex, doesn’t. It just doesn’t ‘make up’ for whatever happened. So don’t overdo it.

Then there’s the pseudo sensitive, smooth talking, Dr. Phil’d , metro-sexual type. His buzz word or maybe even mantra is – I understand. Usually spoken with an earnest nod, or hand to chin, until you notice that the tilt of his eyes is downward, toward your ta-ta’s. (Breasts for those of you who may be Mad TV impaired.) Don’t be fooled ladies; he hasn’t heard a word you said about your stagnant career, or concern for the rain forests. He’s practiced his words and hand gestures to mask his ultimate, DNA driven goal – conquest and your Victoria Secret’s around your ankles. Once the wedding cake has been eaten and the souvenir slice has been discarded, your cosmopolitan man will return to his original and true state of being. In other words, after Beauty marries the beast/prince, he will grow that body hair back, fire the castle staff, walk around scratching, burping and farting and attempt to put you on your hands and knees to service his household, family and carnal needs.

Which type do you have or which type are you? To be continued.

Men Can't Lie

2007-01-10T23:00:00.000-08:00

Men can’t lie. They just can’t so…. From all of us women who have to endure these exercises in utter futility …., though hilarious and it gives us yet another reason to call our girlfriends. I have a suggestion. But first, a brief explanation.

It makes sense that men would be so bad at lying if you think about it. These are the least aware and the most disconnected creatures on the planet. Their inability to read faces and body language, along with a natural disdain for communication, renders most of them damn near autistic. Hence, they cannot pull off lying effectively. Hint guys, we always know when you’re lying. Cuz you typically suck at it. You don’t know where to put your eyes when you’re lying. The tempo of your words is drastically changed – if you usually speak slowly, you’ll try to zip through your lame explanation. If you’re normally a fast talker, now you’ll sound like you’re talking to a toddler or someone that is mentally retarded. And of course if the lie doesn’t appear to be working, you immediately shift over to Plan B – get mad. And possibly leave. Now I have no clue where you go when you’re gone, but one thing is clear. You always return bearing gifts. And we forgive you. Usually. So here’s my suggestion.

When you’ve told a whopper. I mean an utterly preposterous story to cover some perceived offense. We will just stop and give the look. The look that says – nigger please! (White girls, this is for you too! You’re allowed to think it. ) Possibly accompanied with a long sigh, rolling of the eyes and crossing of our arms. Then you shall be put on notice. That we know, you’ve been caught, don’t make us go through the trouble of pointing out all of the really obvious evidence. Just except it. And take out your wallet. Short, sweet and to the point. Saves a lot of time, stress and energy. Just admit it – “Yeah, that was pretty lame. I don’t even have a fishing pole”. Chuckle, give your wife a hug. Then pass us the cash. How much depends on the size of the lie. And we promise, we won’t bring it up again. Unless we have to.

Bad Words

2005-08-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of discussion in recent months once again about profanity in the media with an over arching theme of family values and morality. A lot of debate over what is good for our kids, they are the future blah, blah teach them well and let theme lead the way , etc. Good intentions galore, but when it comes to implementation, the moral majority is willing to go to any lengths to make a point, trample over any rights and even violate their own code of ethics in pursuit of ethics and morality.

I have taught my daughter that there is no such thing as bad or good words. Words, labels for things so that we no longer have to grunt, point or actually have the item in our hands, to make our wants/needs met, cannot possess qualities like good or bad. They can only label. Reactions to words can however have good or bad qualities. A person can react positively or negatively to a label and the person who uses the label should be prepared to deal with either. Example, when my daughter was 10 or 11, her best friend, a white girl from next door casually used the ‘N’ word and she didn’t know how to react. I told Adrienne that if she was going to be grown up enough to use a word like the N word that she had better be grown up when someone say, wants to kick her butt or treats her like a bad white act at Live at the Apollo. I know that this is confusing for White people; the N word is a ubiquitous in today’s hip hop, rap and R & B music, so if it’s ok in pop music, then why isn’t it ok in everyday language. Well it’s the same as telling fat jokes – if you are fat, it’s ok, if you’re not, it’s rude and insensitive. The N word is also steeped deeply and temporally in our racial conscience and it’s casual use has feeling of pouring salt on a wound for many older Black Americans. Still I understand and can relate to the confusion. Generation X and younger Blacks cannot possibly be expected to feel the same hurt and shame for this word, after all much of the civil rights struggle had been fought and won before they were born.

Still words are just words and maybe our energies should be spent on things of greater import, like poverty, health care or education, instead of having this never ending discourse about how individuals choose to express themselves.