Wrongcards

Columbus Day Ecard: 'Historical Awareness'.

Mon, 10 Oct 2016 13:37:03 -0400

Alright, squad, I'm back. I've been off writing a book. It's finished now - what did I miss? I haven't been watching the news or anything - how is Bernie Sanders doing against Jeb Bush? Me? I'm feeling great. I grew a beard for a while and lived in my back yard, burned furniture to keep warm. Writing that book sure was a process. But we'll talk later. For now: Happy Columbus Day.

columbus day ecards Posted in columbus day cards.

Olympics Ecard: 'Biohazard'.

Sun, 14 Aug 2016 00:04:01 -0400

I would just like to congratulate Wrongcards for becoming the unofficial official (or official unofficial) ecard creators for this year's Olympics. Winning the contract was tricky - I had to drink half a gallon of green water that they shipped to me - but it wasn't so bad. Who needs to be able to see the color yellow, anyway? Have guys ever seen that awesome Vin Diesel movie where he used street racing knowledge to steal a bank safe? That movie was set in Brazil. If I watch it again, would that make me over-prepared to make these cards? I mean, by American NBC commentator standards?

olympics ecards Posted in olympics cards.

Passover Ecard: 'Spring Tidings'.

Fri, 22 Apr 2016 12:00:00 -0400

Now, I may not know anything about the world's religions but I don't like to think that it should prevent me from forming deeply held convictions on the topic. My Nanna taught me from the earliest age that only a few of us will be saved from the earth by lizard-people in flying saucers, so your guess is as good as mine. So Happy Passover (and Happy Dragon-Egg Festival, Nanna)!

passover ecards Posted in passover cards.

Valentines Ecard: 'No Need'.

Fri, 12 Feb 2016 17:00:00 -0500

Some of us are expected to send St Valentines Day cards tomorrow and somehow our souls feel a stirring of revolt. And we churlishly chafe at this consumer chore, this routine, recurring ritual of relationship renewal. But what can we do? We send an honest card. (Don't say I don't love you).

valentines ecards Posted in valentines cards.

User-Created Birthday Ecard: 'About 155,000 People Will Die Today. They All Are Someone's ..'

Sun, 31 Jan 2016 10:41:03 -0500

about 155,000 people will die today. they all are someone's brother, aunt, best friend, son, daughter, etc... but don't think about that right now - focus on your big day. Happy Birthday! p.s. - this dog died, too.

birthday usercards Posted in birthday cards.

Happy New Year Ecard: 'Silent Killer'.

Tue, 29 Dec 2015 12:00:00 -0500

Remember a few years back when everyone thought the world would end because some Mayans had predicted it, even though the Mayans didn't predict the conquistadors? Well, I knew that was going to happen. I prophesied it. The only thing stopping me from closing down Wrongcards and becoming a professional prophet is the obligation to grow facial hair. I'm afraid of mustaches.

happy new year ecards Posted in happy new year cards.

Happy New Year Ecard: 'Fewer Spiders'.

Sun, 27 Dec 2015 19:00:00 -0500

I take New Year's Resolutions seriously; after all, how else am I supposed to improve myself? I know you probably think I don't need improvement, but I suffer from a mild sort of social anxiety. It only happens when I stand around naked in train stations, but which among us is perfect? So my New Years Resolution is about becoming more awesome. And this is how I do it. #newyear

happy new year ecards Posted in happy new year cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Appropriated Holiday'.

Wed, 23 Dec 2015 03:00:00 -0500

I love Christmas. Christmas doesn't mean presents, trees, or Jesus having a birthday. It means pudding and fruit mince pies! And also explaining what those things are to skeptical Americans who, without pudding or fruit mince pies, have been getting Christmas wrong for centuries. Oh I should say something about this card. Let's see. Let me think. Hmm. How about 'I need to stop saying the truth or nobody is going to invite me to their Christmas parties...'

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'What Could Go Wrong'.

Tue, 22 Dec 2015 00:00:00 -0500

Christmas is nigh. Little orphans are peddling old shoes. Mums are smoking broken pencils and Dads are drinking turpentine and waving tire irons at invisible winged-snakes again. I know, I know - even I get maudlin and sentimental around this time of year. To be honest, I don't really understand today's card. But then, I don't really understand most of the things I say...

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Christmas Deer'.

Fri, 18 Dec 2015 00:00:00 -0500

"What are you getting me for Christmas?" she asked. "A card," I replied. "Because you own a greeting card company, right?" "That's right. If I give you a card I get to save money." "Great." "It is pretty cool," I agreed. "Well, at least promise me it'll be a traditional Christmas card, with deer on it or something." "I promise."

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Sneaky Snowmen'.

Wed, 16 Dec 2015 00:00:00 -0500

People often say I'm too serious, but I have so many responsibilities! I run one of the most influential and socially responsible websites on Earth! It's Christmas and I should burning tires in my living room and making up a batch of Nanna's lizard soup but here I am drawing pictures of snowmen for all you reckless people who think snowmen are safe to be around. Look at me, Nanna, saving the world again...

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Santa Knew Too Much'.

Tue, 15 Dec 2015 00:00:00 -0500

Santa. He 'knows when you've been bad or good'. That's quite an accomplishment, Santa, thanks very much. Good to know someone is keeping a watchful eye on me. But then again maybe, if you pay too much attention to what a man is doing in his private life, you might get a bit distracted and accidentally tumble down a flight of stairs. I'm only looking out for you, Santa.

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Christmas Leopard'.

Mon, 14 Dec 2015 00:00:00 -0500

The problem with Christmas is that children are too confident about the whole thing. They're tottering around all cool and jaded, basically because you never taught them to fear Krampus the Christmas Demon. So thanks to your bad parenting kids don't believe in demons and now they're out of control! Well, don't worry - I can help you out. Sure, they don't believe in demons but you know something they do believe in? Leopards. You're welcome.

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Homeland Security'.

Fri, 11 Dec 2015 12:00:00 -0500

Christmas isn't just a capitalist holiday - there's a religious side to it as well. The origins of Christmas are very mysterious, especially if you're not good at research. Did you know that Jesus' parents might have been Mexicans? Scholars believe that's why they named their kid Jesus. It all makes sense when you remember they owned a donkey. Anyway, Merry Christmas Mexico (birthplace of Jesus)!

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Flight To Egypt'.

Thu, 10 Dec 2015 00:00:00 -0500

A lot of people like to be contentious around the holidays, but not me. I like to play it safe.

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Tree Killer'.

Wed, 09 Dec 2015 00:00:00 -0500

It's nice to have been missed, everyone; thanks. Where have I been? I've been working in secret on a cryptographic system based on ancient Sumerian cuneiform. In the process of this I did NOT accidentally unlock a dimensional gate between our world and that of Ereshkigal, goddess of the underworld. That was totally somebody else.

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Hanukkah Ecard: 'Merry Hanukkah'.

Mon, 07 Dec 2015 19:00:00 -0500

People. I'm back. Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated - by others, and also by me - for tax purposes, but let's not get into that now. The important thing is that I'm back, which means it's time we kicked off this holiday season properly. I'd like to start off Christmas with a Hanukkah card. I know, right?! Look at us all - knowing what Hanukkah is and being all cosmopolitan...

hanukkah ecards Posted in hanukkah cards.

Halloween Ecard: 'Apprentice'.

Tue, 20 Oct 2015 12:00:00 -0400

I don't really know anything about the history of Halloween but (and this is just a theory) I have basically assumed that the early Americans really hated pumpkins.

halloween ecards Posted in halloween cards.

Mothers Day Ecard: 'Happy Turtles'.

Fri, 08 May 2015 00:00:00 -0400

Anna Jarvis, the creator of Mothers Day, was so appalled by the commercialization of the holiday that she later protested it and organized boycotts. That's why our cards match the true, original spirit of Mother's Day - we never court mass appeal or pander to the market. Example: just look at the badly behaving turtles in this card. Wrongcards: principles before profit.

mothers day ecards Posted in mothers day cards.

Mothers Day Ecard: 'When Im High'.

Fri, 08 May 2015 00:00:00 -0400

It's that time of year when we all remember our mothers. That's right. Mothers Day is nigh - at least, it is in North America. Different countries tend to celebrate Mothers Day at different times of year. I know, right? Why can't the world just agree on one thing? It's like we were all brought up badly or something. Anyway. This card has 25% more good taste than the others.

mothers day ecards Posted in mothers day cards.

Valentines Ecard: 'Trite'.

Fri, 13 Feb 2015 00:00:00 -0500

I was in love once. It was an earth-shattering experience, a state of instant infatuation. As soon as I tasted that vanilla bean ice-cream cone I fell head over heals. Then, in that moment of ecstasy, some really annoying girl came up and asked for a taste. This is where the story gets bad. Turns out, she liked vanilla bean ice-cream too. You know what she does? She sits down right next to me and starts to take turns eating my ice-cream (!) And smiling at me in a simpering sort of way (!) Well, long story short, I only got to eat half of that ice-cream cone. But it was love that I felt for that ice-cream, I am sure of it. Makes me sad to remember, actually. Sigh. That's love for you, I guess.

valentines ecards Posted in valentines cards.

Valentines Ecard: 'Valentines Day Reciprocity'.

Thu, 12 Feb 2015 12:00:00 -0500

Some companies profiteer from war. Others profiteer from love. Which is worse? Here at Wrongcards™ we like to ask the hard questions. Like - is our company guilt-tripping you with stupid made-up holidays? Or are we culture assassins engaged in a war on savagery and kitsch? The answer to that question is really up to you. Or, rather, our lawyers, who very boringly overruled this slogan idea for our website: 'Wrongcards: The Halliburton of Ecards'.

valentines ecards Posted in valentines cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Yellow'.

Tue, 23 Dec 2014 19:00:00 -0500

I like to consider myself a spokesperson for Christianity. I may not have finished the Bible - I'm up to the section where Sheila begats Shelob, and Shelob begats Shamwow, etcetera - but I believe that a shortage of knowledge should never disqualify a man from writing about things on the internet. As a greeting card company owner, I also make a hell of a lot of money out of religious holidays - which technically makes me a religious leader of the old-school sort. So as your local religious leader I'm giving you all a Christmas card that you can send to your heathen friends, as a way of guilt-tripping them for being wrong about religion. Don't say I never gave you anything. Merry Holidays!

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Everything Is Fantastic'.

Tue, 23 Dec 2014 02:00:00 -0500

Let's all imagine, for the sake of the argument, that it's Christmas eve. What's a good Christmas movie? I mean, apart from Diehard? (This description has nothing to do with the card. Rules are for squares, baby).

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Paternity'.

Mon, 22 Dec 2014 00:00:00 -0500

Oh my god, the department stores have put up Christmas decorations already. Every year it's earlier and earlier. Civilized people like you and me understand that Christmas shopping starts on Christmas Eve, and in a heightened state of panic mingled with resentment and lots of mental swearing. You know what's ironic? I bet Jesus' parents didn't even celebrate Christmas.

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Christmas Ecard: 'Not Rudolf Please Santa'.

Thu, 11 Dec 2014 00:00:00 -0500

The song 'I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus' offers a pretty sinister implication when you believe in Santa. When I was a little kid, thinking about this man carrying on with some kid's mum was pretty distressing. Sure, he's a notorious 'reverse burglar', but what's his deal with messing about with other kid's mums? It's understandable then that when other kids got better presents than me, it did kind of change my attitude towards their mothers. In unrelated news, for some reason I wasn't invited to Christmas parties as a child either.

christmas ecards Posted in christmas cards.

Reminder Ecard: 'Hatchets'.

Tue, 09 Dec 2014 19:00:00 -0500

I know that Christmas has traditionally been about department stores making money but I've always hoped it might one day become a holiday for children. For some reason people assume I'm cynical but I've always liked children: they're funny, and they remind me of how each of us used to be - truthful, spontaneous, amoral and interesting. No child has ever once bored me with talk of mortgages or promotions. So our first Christmas wrongcard is for the children.

reminder ecards Posted in reminder cards.

Thanksgiving Ecard: 'Thanksgiving Turkey'.

Wed, 26 Nov 2014 00:00:00 -0500

"Thanksgiving started when a bunch of Americans fed some half-starved illegal immigrants. The illegals, a bunch of religious extremists who liked to wear amusing hats, got drunk and kept calling the Americans 'Indians' for a joke. The Americans were cool about it though and, to commemorate that fact, the descendants of those illegal immigrants dine once a year with a bunch of people they don't like." (This is why people don't invite me to Thanksgiving anymore).

thanksgiving ecards Posted in thanksgiving cards.

Cheer Up Ecard: 'Rocky Phase'.

Sun, 12 Oct 2014 01:00:00 -0400

Lately a lot of people have been assuming I was dead. It's strange how a man can't paint himself a greenish hue and lay about near busy intersections without everyone making weird assumptions. Now you might think of vampires as a sort of sublimated necrophiliac rape fantasy but that doesn't make them any less creepy. Today's card contains an octopus. The mention of vampires was just randomness.

cheer up ecards Posted in cheer up cards.

Thanks Ecard: 'Best Thing'.

Thu, 24 Jul 2014 00:00:00 -0400

People often say to me 'hey, be careful or you'll set fire to that couch!' Another thing they say is, 'you're a good guy, Kris, and a pillar of this community.' And I'm thankful too, which is something you should always feel or at least pretend to feel. This morning I made this card as a way of saying Thank You to people. Don't thank me - well, no, you should absolutely thank me. That's the point, right?

thanks ecards Posted in thanks cards.

Birthday Ecard: 'Comrade Lenin Birthday Wishes'.

Wed, 16 Jul 2014 00:00:00 -0400

birthday ecards Posted in birthday cards.

Independence Day Ecard: 'Surrender'.

Thu, 03 Jul 2014 00:00:00 -0400

I don't know a lot about Independence Day but I saw the movie and liked it. The only problem was that it gives the impression that July 4 started after aliens tried to take over the US back in the mid-nineties but, when you do the research, the Americans fought the aliens AND the French way back in 1750. Which makes you wonder why the aliens went away and waited for us to develop fighter jets before attacking again. Idiots.

independence day ecards Posted in independence day cards.

Independence Day Ecard: 'Fireworks'.

Wed, 02 Jul 2014 20:00:00 -0400

One of my favorite things about Independence Day is when the pilot, who nobody believed had been abducted by aliens, turned out to have told the truth about it all. Nothing corroborates an alien abduction story quite like an alien invasion fleet turning up afterwards. Total vindication right there. Ever since I moved to the US and started stockpiling Chinese fireworks, I worry less and less about aliens. In fact: bring it on, aliens!

independence day ecards Posted in independence day cards.

Romance Ecard: 'Cardioid'.

Fri, 20 Jun 2014 00:00:00 -0400

I'm an acknowledged expert in a couple of fields - it's only modesty preventing me from telling you which. But I will say that my as yet unpublished tome 'The Psychology of Wasps and Wasp-like Invertebrates' puts me among the greatest scientific minds of our age. I just need to secure a publisher (the hardware store won't sell me any zip-ties). Oh, I'm also an expert on romance. I'm such a renaissance man.

romance ecards Posted in romance cards.

Thinking Of You Ecard: 'Inflatable Sheep'.

Thu, 05 Jun 2014 00:00:00 -0400

So I invented Rehash Wednesday years ago but the world stole my idea and made it #ThrowbackThursday to avoid having to pay me royalties. Which is fine because I am nice, even people who haven't met me say so all the time. Anyhow, I'm told there is a lot of yellow in this card but I haven't been able to see yellow since I got angry that one time and ate some lead pencils. I think this card is about sheep and morality.

thinking of you ecards Posted in thinking of you cards.

Apology Ecard: 'Modesty'.

Wed, 04 Jun 2014 00:00:00 -0400

I apologize all the time. Never sincerely, of course - why rob the experience of fun and whimsy? - but just to practice I guess, in case the unthinkable happens. That's right, even I make mistakes, though the last time was in 2003 when I stupidly agreed to share my ice-cream with someone (long story short: I lost half of my ice-cream) but the point is.. look I don't remember. Something to do with sharks.

apology ecards Posted in apology cards.

Inspirational Ecard: 'Optimism'.

Mon, 02 Jun 2014 17:00:00 -0400

Don't listen to what some people say, everyone is an optimist. Everyone is being completely optimistic - they might as well embrace the reality. Whenever I turn on the television I stare at it for eight minutes, turn it off and then have to go lie down because civilisation is clearly coming to a sticky end. But then I'm up 15 minutes later because Fox News must not win. See? Optimism. In other news, I should be a motivational speaker.

inspirational ecards Posted in inspirational cards.

Reminder Ecard: 'Identity Issues'.

Mon, 02 Jun 2014 01:00:00 -0400

So the story behind this card is that I was walking near the zoo early this morning when a gorilla escaped its enclosure. I had the good fortune to be eating a toffee apple, which the gorilla had a particular fondness for, so we shared the toffee, had a bit of a heart to heart and then, in a newly restored state of mental calm, the gorilla legged it back over the wall into the zoo. BTW if it doesn't rain on Thursday we're both going swimming!

reminder ecards Posted in reminder cards.

Mothers Day Ecard: 'Possible'.

Sat, 10 May 2014 02:00:00 -0400

They say that my Mum had a very generous spirit. I have few memories of her, mostly they're of her leaving to go out on her rounds in her nurses uniform. It's a pity she wasn't a nurse. Mother's Day is an important holiday/scam run by the greeting card industry. I'll be honest about it at least until Wrongcards is profitable, after which I'm obligated to pretend it's not nonsense.

mothers day ecards Posted in mothers day cards.

Reminder Ecard: 'Worries'.

Tue, 08 Apr 2014 00:00:00 -0400

There is nothing worse than people fretting about frivolous things. Well, being pecked to death by half-starved ducks is probably worse. Also, being followed around by the same pigeon for weeks was pretty rough when that happened to me recently. I had to keep buying it fries to prevent it from brow-beating me. Stupid bird.

reminder ecards Posted in reminder cards.

Wtf Ecard: 'Gorillas In The Midst'.

Tue, 25 Mar 2014 20:00:00 -0400

The fact that people write to thank me for making a truly useful ecard site has often given me pause for thought: what could I be doing wrong? Seems like too many of you are getting yourselves into some pretty weird situations. Today's card features a gorilla wearing a suit; if it seems relevant to your life then I have little choice but to throw my hands up in despair.

wtf ecards Posted in wtf cards.

St Patricks Day Ecard: 'Irish Brawl'.

Sun, 16 Mar 2014 20:00:00 -0400

I'm not saying that St. Patricks Day is a conspiracy perpetrated by Irish brewing countries in league with a cartel of manufacturers of green food coloring. No wait a minute, that IS what I'm trying to say. Sorry, there's something about this holiday that gets me all muddled. It might possibly be the alcohol speaking. Look, I'm very good at research.

st patricks day ecards Posted in st patricks day cards.

Apology Ecard: 'Breast Defense'.

Fri, 14 Feb 2014 01:00:00 -0500

... and then it occurred to me that many men will be forgetting Valentines Day, and thus might be in dire need of an apology card tomorrow. Think about it. Think of the countless men who will awaken tomorrow to a frosty silence and spend the first half of the day in frozen bewilderment as to what the hell they forgot to do. And you thought YOU had problems.

apology ecards Posted in apology cards.

Valentines Ecard: 'Badgered'.

Fri, 14 Feb 2014 00:00:00 -0500

I was hoping you guys would be cool this year and, in some unspoken way, universally recognize that Valentines Day is a lot of nonsense. I could have played video games today, guys; it could have been good. But no - here we are, I'm drawing badgers because some of you are dating people who believe in this stuff. I'm not angry with you. But let's see some progress next year ok?

valentines ecards Posted in valentines cards.

Cheer Up Ecard: 'Pterodactyl'.

Tue, 04 Feb 2014 00:00:00 -0500

The worst thing about people being sad is the way they try to make you the scapegoat. "I'm sad because of you. I'm sad because I don't have a sofa anymore. I'm sad because we had to call fire-fighters to the house." My point here is that people wouldn't need to feel sad if they didn't buy brown sofas in the first place. Here is an ecard with a pterodactyl on it.

cheer up ecards Posted in cheer up cards.

Birthday Ecard: 'Insufficient'.

Fri, 24 Jan 2014 00:00:00 -0500

Birthdays are a chore, especially if you're like me and celebrate your Birthday every couple of months with a different group of friends. I find there's safety in numbers. Of identities.

birthday ecards Posted in birthday cards.

Wtf Ecard: 'Molotov Cocktails'.

Wed, 22 Jan 2014 00:00:00 -0500

Never play with fire, they say, but that's no way to win at monopoly. I've started three fires during games of monopoly and went on to win each game. I think of fire as the God of Winning.

wtf ecards Posted in wtf cards.

Romance Ecard: 'Inflatable Pony'.

Tue, 21 Jan 2014 18:58:32 -0500

Romance is dead, they said - but I found out where they buried it. Now it's safely hidden under my bed. Don't worry, it only smells when I get it damp.

romance ecards Posted in romance cards.

Excuses Ecard: 'Inner World'.

Thu, 16 Jan 2014 19:00:00 -0500

I've been thinking. Brevity really is the soul of [word count exceeded]

excuses ecards Posted in excuses cards.

Apology Ecard: 'Terrible'.

Thu, 16 Jan 2014 00:00:00 -0500

My New Year's resolution was to retire from public life utterly. Then Shia Labeouf decided that this was a good idea to borrow, so that's another of my resolutions that have come to naught. In other news, my resolution to live on better terms with my pet wasp is still intact. Horace and I are committed to putting our differences aside this year

apology ecards Posted in apology cards.

Quarrels with Dogs in the Dead of Night, Part III (Conclusion)

Fri, 13 Dec 2013 15:18:52 -0500

"I like to keep the old emotions at an even keel; play it calm in all things, is my motto."