writers' blechh!!!

Victory Denied: Matador kicked off Spanish football team for 'inappropriate attire'

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 03:29:00 +0000

SEVILLA, Spain -- Spanish matador Jose Felipe Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz was abruptly removed from the Spanish national football squad's roster before the country's victorious World Cup final for 'inappropriate attire,' it was announced by FIFA officials late Sunday.

Team manager Vicente del Bosque, drenched in sangria, said the world-famous bullfighter from Pamplona had refused to change from his matador gear into the standard football shirt, shorts, socks and shoes.

"The strict guidelines of FIFA declare that the attire of no participating player may outdo that of Ricky Martin in tightness," del Bosque said, several rice grains from his celebratory paella spraying from his mouth.

The rest of La Furia Roja - as the first-time World Cup-winning side is nicknamed - indeed joined FIFA and their manager in their fury at the tightness of Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz's pants, which were sewn by his grandmother, Penelope Sofia Corpulenta de Santiago Ruiz several years before Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz's metabolism screeched to a halt.

"Tengo miedo de estos pantalones," said injured striker Fernando Torres. "No me gustan."

Dominguez de Santiago Ruiz could not be reached for comment. He instead performed in the storied bullfighters' ring this morning and was gored by a large bull named Pepe.

U.S. Olympian kicked off team for having a normal life

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 05:03:00 +0000

VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA - The United States Olympic Committee today informed ice dancer Gavin Whiteman he was removed from the country's Winter Olympics roster for having a normal childhood, it was announced.

Authorities said Whiteman, a 24-year-old emerging ice dance superstar from Dearborn, Mich., was found to have had a "normal childhood with two parents born and raised in the United States, and has progressed through his career without any significant bodily injury meriting a five-minute television featurette."

NBC Sports confirmed the announcement, saying "Bob Costas was left speechless - literally - when introducing Whiteman during last night's prime-time coverage."

"Nvited Whtemn in 4 a studio intrview & realizd we had nothing 2 talk abt, no intrstng stories," Costas told Writer's Blechh via text message.

"The guy hasnt had any difficlty 4 chrsts sake. Dude, atleast tell me ur prgnant, then weve got smthng," Costas continued via a second text, because his first message ran over its character limit.

An embarassed USOC official said on condition of anonymity that he "had no idea how Whiteman passed the typical Olympic team vetting process, which includes a battery of tests such as ensuring his grandparents worked in Soviet gulags or emigrated from Cambodia to escape persecution, or he overcame a series of vassectomies/lung transplants and debilitating stress fractures before winning the most recent World Championships."

Whiteman is believed to have packed his bags at the Olympic Village last night and taken a flight first-class from Vancouver to Portland, Ore., where he trains and has a posh, 2,000 square-foot, two-bedroom house 11 miles from a Cheesecake Factory.

"See? What a primadonna," Olympic junkie Sandra Wiggins, 22, said. "You know, Oksana Baiul ate nothing but sabretooth tiger meat and snowballs for 15 years when she trained in Siberia. Bonnie Blair trained in space because her family couldn't afford to send her to terrestrial training facilities. Brian Boitano had six legs amputated before he won gold.

"And this Whiteman, the worst that's happened to him is that he had to get a loan for college?"

Wiggins then reportedly changed the channel to American Idol.

Sources: Layer of cheese slides off of disappointed 2-year-old's pizza slice

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:12:00 +0000

NEW YORK - Little Tommy Studebaker's first trip to a New York-style pizzeria since his baby teeth fully emerged went terrible wrong Saturday, when the layer of cheese on his 12-inch New Yawk jumbo slice slowly slipped off the crust, a source close to the tragedy told Writer's Blechh this morning.

"I don't think Tommy will live this down for another three years," an officer investigating the case of cheese slippage at Salvatore's Hey I'm Eatin' Here! Restauraunt said on condition of anonymity.

The sheer nakedness of crust with which the slice was left was as stunning to little Tommy's parents as it was to the visibly shake-up toddler himself.

"Oh, so terrible.....oh, so terrible," said Tommy's mother, Judith, 37. Tommy's father, Carl, 41, was unable to speak.

While the investigation is ongoing, police said the layer of mozzarella cheese used at Salvatore's is known for its low friction coefficient, meaning the cheese frequently slips off of the pizza crust.

Mayor Rudy Guiliani outlawed cheese slippage in an historic legislative victory in 1997. Police have not ruled out criminal charges against pizzeria co-owners Salvatore Maggiano and Pepe Chulo Dominguez.

Adding insult to injury, the cheese was thoroughly garnished with crushed red pepper, garlic powder, oregano and Tabasco sauce.

"Now we can't eat it," a sobbing Judith Studebaker said, wiping her tears with the napkin she had used to soak the grease from the pizza slice.

World's 353rd oldest man dies

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 22:41:00 +0000

MANILA, Philippines -- The 353rd oldest man in the world died Saturday, making way for the 354th oldest man in the world to move up the ranks.

Felipe Quinones, 102, who was not quite old enough to be considered the 352nd oldest man in the world, nor young enough to hold the coveted title as 666th oldest, died peacefully of natural causes. He spent much of his life as a gardener and wedding singer.

This is the 129 millionth time in human history that the 353rd oldest man in the world has died, striking a chord among fellow old people aiming to reach number one. Quinones was the oldest man in the world, without counting the 352 men older than him.

"He was really a great man," said Ogonkwo Ndebe, 98, the 4,892nd oldest man in the world and a lifelong friend of Quinones to whom the deceased left 30 cases of Viagra in his will. Ndebe said he was "overly ecstatic" to move up to No. 4,891 on the list, so much so that he had to recalibrate his pacemaker.

Quinones is survived by his wife Corazon, who at 101 is the 435th oldest woman in the world; 13 children and 96 grandchildren; and 14 great grandchildren. Quinones's father was the first man of Philippine descent to break the 500 oldest list and was showered with gifts, only to receive fatal food poisoning from a birthday candle he mistook for candy.

Monopoly Man Arrested, Charged with Counterfeiting

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 20:45:00 +0000

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- Authorities have arrested and charged Rich Uncle Pennybags, known to law enforcement authorities by his alias, Monopoly Man, following a years-long manhunt of the alleged counterfeiter.

Pennybags was found Tuesday night in a safe house on Boardwalk here. A source close to the arrest operation reported Pennybags was unkempt, dressed in torn clothing and was thin from apparent malnutrition, "clearly indicating he hadn't passed 'Go' in several months."

The 74-year-old fugitive had eluded authorities for years, enabling him to expand his money counterfeiting empire throughout North America.

An anonymous witness tipped police Monday afternoon that Moneybags had boarded a first-class coach on the Baltimore & Ohio (B&O) Railroad and gave a rambling, alcohol-induced tirade on board.

"He obviously landed on Park Avenue one-too-many times," the witness told police, according to police reports.

In addition to counterfeiting official legal tender, a federal offense, authorities also consider him a suspect in orchestrating several jailbreaks by issuing "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards to unsuspecting prison wardens, and printing counterfeit "Free Parking" passes for Atlantic City residents, a violation of city parking ordinance. Moneybags will also be charged with luxury tax evasion.

Rick Dixon, head of the Treasury Department's Counterfeiting Task Force, said Moneybags was able to finance his illicit operations partly by using the community chest for funds and partly by chance. The Task Force was able to begin tracking Moneybags in 2005 when a wire transfer related to the acquisition of two public utilities, the Electric Co. and Water Works, was traced to a slush fund in Moneybags's name.

Moneybags had no comment at his arraignment last night, except to make a poignant statement on his life, saying "this is the game that goes on forever."

Geithner To Pay Back Taxes With Chuck E Cheese Tokens

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 16:49:00 +0000

WASHINGTON - Recently confirmed U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said Friday he will repay back taxes he has owed to the U.S. government in the form of Chuck E Cheese tokens and tickets.

Geithner said his amassed token collection - sufficient to purchase 3,000 glow-in-the-dark slap bracelets and 500 rubber balls - should cover his $43,000 in taxes owed to the U.S. government. He will also deliver 17 extra-large Hawaiian and pepperoni pizzas and three pitchers of Coke Zero to the U.S Treasury as additional collateral for his debt.

"I sincerely apologize for this oversight, but I will have you know that my kids are laboring day and night to get enough tickets to pay off this debt," Geithner said at his Senate confirmation hearing last week.

Geithner said he won the plethora of tokens and tickets after an "exceptional day" of SkeeBall and Wack-a-mole. Spokesmen for the Obama Administration declined to comment on the situation.

Meanwhile, thousands of tax-law-abiding American workers lost their jobs.

BREAKING NEWS: In Ceremonial First Visit to White House, Obama Receives Bush's Deodorant-stained Bowling Shirt

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 23:53:00 +0000

BREAKING NEWS from OUR NATION'S CAPITAL...

WASHINGTON (7:00 PM EST) -- While First Lady Laura Bush took First Lady-in-waiting Michelle Obama on a tour of the White House Rose Garden Monday, President George W. Bush gave his successor his deodorant-stained bowling shirt as a token of congratulations.

"It's bad luck to wash your bowling shirt," a beaming President Bush told the press gallery Monday evening, "especially when you score more than 400 pins, which I think is the maximum bowling score. Huh huh, I said 'score.'"

Aides told reporters Bush was known to make up his own bowling scores because "he is the decider who decides such decisions."

The shirt, first woven in the textile mills of Paterson, N.J., and later patched up by Mrs. Bush at the Republican Wives' Cooking and Cleaning Expo in Fredericksburg, Va., contains a cursive "Dub-ya" inscription on the shirt's left breast.

White House staff said the president wore the shirt during frequent trips to the White House's private bowling alley. The alley hosts glow-in-the-dark Cosmic Bowling for the public on Friday nights, although the tradition has been suspended to make way for the insertion of a roller skating rink and a repaired hot dog rotisserie, which broke when Karl Rove had to live in the White House for two weeks because his basement flooded out.

The deodorant stains are historic in themselves; they first originated when Bush wore the shirt to intense, high-level negotiations in the Middle East peace process. Experts said the stain's source is likely Speed Stick gel.

"I could smell him from Gaza City," said Palestinian Authority envoy Nasser Yarafat, who attended the negotiations.

President-elect Obama was visibly pleased by Bush's gesture, saying he plans to wear the jersey, made of the finest New Jersey nylon and held together by hand-crafted Malaysian buttonry, on Inauguration Day and will offer each American family two pitchers of Bud Light, an extra-large pepperoni pizza and 500 game tokens in exchange for their public service.

McCain's "Straight Talk Express" Bus Delayed Due to Lavatory Failure

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 13:13:00 +0000

ZELIENOPLE, Pa. -- Sen. John McCain's presidential campaign bus, dubbed the "Straight Talk Express," was delayed in arriving here this morning due to a backup in the bus's only toilet, a campaign spokeswoman said.

Police are investigating a foul odor coming from the bus lavatory. Fingerprints and surveillance video reveal a slender male passenger at last six feet in height used the lavatory at 2:15 a.m. while the bus was en route here from York, Pa. After completing his business in the lavatory, police said, the suspect appeared to have rushed back to his seat to avoid being seen, presumably because he was the culprit.

Eyewitness accounts indicate the McCain campaign dined at Juanita's Mexican Buffet in Breezewood, Pa. last night. Todd Wexler, the only McCain aide believed to be more than six feet tall, ordered the "number 6," a combinacion platter of "three-alarm enchiladas, a red-hot refried bean tamale and the habanero-pickled-spice queso fundido," witnesses said.

Police, meanwhile, cautioned against accusing Wexler, saying numerous McCain staffers ingested high quantities of hot salsa and tequila. Therefore, all are suspects in the case.

"When you put tequila and hot salsa together," Zelienople Sgt. Rick Brickles said, "good things can never happen."

Campaign staffers have decided to charter a Greyhound after determining the "Straight Talk" is much worse than riding a Greyhound.

Analysts shrugged off any suggestion that this latest gaffe for the McCain campaign signaled constipation in the senator's chances for victory, with only two days before the election.

In fact, some national polls show McCain gaining ground on his opponent Democratic Sen. Barack Obama, particularly after McCain recruited Joe the Plumber to stump with him on taxes and government reform. Aides said Joe the Plumber will also be hired to fix the lavatory.

Half-Hour Obama Ad in Primetime to Feature Ron Popeil, Tae Bo

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 14:22:00 +0000

CORAL GABLES, Fla. -- Tonight's 30-minute nationally-televised, prime-time advertisement for Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, will also feature Ron Popeil, inventor of the Food Dehydrator, and Tae Bo Master Billy Blanks, who has pledged to do 15 push-ups for every vote Obama receives on Election Day.

Obama spokesman Craig Gregg said the campaign invited Popeil and Blanks to tap into a key but often unreachable, solitary sliver of the American public: those who watch TV during that awkward time of each weekday between 10:30 am and 2 pm. Viewers of "The Price is Right don't count," Gregg said, "because without Bob Barker that show is a joke anyway."

"With this ad, we get people who watch TV in prime-time normally, and people who watch during the day," he said.

Rumors also surfaced early Wednesday that magician David Copperfield would make a surprise appearance, dangling from a basketball arena Jumbotron bound in a straitjacket.

Popeil, known as the chief executive and founder of Ronco, the world's greatest company, won the 1996 TV Guide/Alfred Nobel Prize for Food Processing Technology. During his acceptance speech at the Richmond, Calif., awards ceremony, Popeil famously declared that the "onion of his life's passion had been successfully peeled, diced and sauteed in 3 easy steps, 10 easy minutes."

He continued, "And now, every child in America can eat a dried flab of apricot instead of Froot Roll Ups, which are high in sugar and low in infomercial goodness."

Blanks, whom many insiders speculate will be offered a spot in a President Obama cabinet as Defense secretary, will present a new workout called Tae-Bobama during the ad tonight.

Once active in politics, Blanks was ostracized by the professional trainers circuit after a long dispute with fellow aerobician and activist Jane Fonda, who herself split with the traditional school of aerobics and developed her own technique.

The Fonda school of aerobics postulates that tight buns and abs of steel are best achieved through the use of Fleetwood Mac music and hot-pink legwarmers, not circular punching motions and stairmasters on a beach patio as Blanks had maintained.

Disgraced, Blanks retreated to Siberia to improve his technique and revive the Russian VHS cassette market. He re-emerged in late 2007, announcing that he "has re-invented himself, is ready to move on, and wishes to accept the fact that the DVD has supplanted VHS as the video medium of choice," though he stopped short of apologizing to Fonda.

Popeil and Blanks said they are committed to Obama's mission, but have grown weary of hitting the road to campaign, saying they will campaign on Obama's behalf "while supplies last."

Forensic Tests Show "Federalist" McCain Attended Constitutional Convention

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 23:25:00 +0000

PHILADELPHIA - Providing fodder to his opponents who contend he is "too old" to be United States president, new evidence has revealed Sen. John McCain attended the Constitutional Convention at the Pennsylvania State House in Philadelphia in 1787.

McCain, who proudly proclaimed during one of his presidential debate appearances against Sen. Barack Obama that he is a "Federalist," would be an estimated 260 years old, assuming he was 40 years old at the time of the formalizing of the United States' most sacred document.

Forensic scientists extracted petrified Philly cheese-steak goop that was found near a post-it note Alexander Hamilton had affixed to a draft of the Constitution. A DNA profile of salivary residue from the goop is believed to match Sen. McCain.

That means there is 99.999 percent chance the saliva came from McCain, according to scientists from the Drexel University Superdynamic Superfluids Research Center. Conversely, that leaves a 0.001 percent chance that the saliva belongs to someone else or ended up on the Philly cheese-steak through different means.

"There is a slight chance that James Madison kissed McCain as he was chewing on the cheese steak," said Dr. Fabian Fabuloso, director of the center. "That would mean that the actual cheese-steak belonged to either Madison, or someone else. It is decidedly possible that those in attendance at the convention purchased a party platter of multiple cheese steaks, and the cheese steak of concern was being passed around the hall during one of the convention's many snack breaks.

"The key here," Fabuloso added, "is that McCain took a bite out of at least once sandwich, or kissed Madison as he was chewing, and got his saliva on that particular piece.

"There are certain questions that science cannot answer," he continued. "This is one of them."

Paintings and a prototype daguerreotype from the period may also confirm McCain's presence. McCain can be seen in one rendition of "The Great Philadelphia Convention" finishing a Sudoku puzzle published in Benjamin Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanack.

The Obama Campaign seized on the news, saying "we are now certain Sen. McCain is out of touch. All along we knew he has been calling for deregulation of the financial system ever since he smacked Alexander Hamilton for wanting a national bank in 1787."

The McCain Campaign lashed back, saying the new evidence proves McCain has the experience to lead the 13 colonies into a new direction.

"Most of the world doesn't know that he was also there to sign the Treaty of Paris in 1783," a campaign spokesman said. "Sen. McCain is a maverick. He is a ripe young man, ready to take on the world's problems with vigor, and a few teaspoons of formaldehyde."

The news also upped McCain's lead in the latest poll of polls among historians and the National American Revolution Re-Enacters Association by 76 points.

Jafar, Scar, Five Others Added to Disney Terror Watch List

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 08:46:00 +0000

ORLANDO, Fla. -- Wily villain Jafar and five other prominent Disney capers were added to the national terrorism watch list yesterday, amid reports there were plans to kidnap Minnie Mouse and demand ransom from the Magic Kingdom Castle.

Initial reports indicated Jafar, the scheming sorcerer who made his theatrical debut in "Aladdin" and Scar, the vengeful lion in "The Lion King," will be charged as enemy combatants by Disney Theme Park authorities. Law enforcement sources told Writer's Blechh on condition of anonymity that Scar's underling hyenas turned Scar in to the police.

The others added to the terror watch list are Ursula the Octopus, Cruella de Vil and, surprisingly, Timon and Pumba, also of "The Lion King" cast. Intelligence reports indicate the duo defected from their "Hakuna Matata" ice show tour in February to visit terror training camps in eastern Afghanistan.

Sources close to Jafar said the villain grew increasingly depressed in recent months, often writing anonymous hate letters to Disney animation executives. The downfall in his career is attributed largely to the largely unsuccesful "Aladdin" sequel, "The Return of Jafar," and the betrayal in that film by his former sidekick, a loud-talking parrot named Iago. A Disney spokesperson did not return calls seeking comment.

Credit Crunch, Money Printing Lead to Surge in Sales at Copy Shops Nationwide

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 19:45:00 +0000

AUSTIN, Tex. -On this mild autumn Texas day, the laser printers at Zeb's Printing Shop have broken down like they normally do.

Except this time, there's a reason. Zeb's and other copy shops nationwide are coping with a spike in demand in order to print the $700 billion in additional notes from the United States' "money-pulled-out-of-our-ass" fund to go toward an historic bailout of the financial system.

The Federal Bureau of Engraving and Printing has started to outsource money printing to copy shops because "we just can't do it on our own, ya know," said Bureau spokeswoman Candy DeSantos.

As a result, copy shops like Zeb's are "turning the page" to new profits.

"When I turn on the lights in the morning to open up shop, I can hear 700 billion 'cha-chings' in my head," said owner Zeb, who declined to give his full name (as if Zeb is his real name anyway). "Actually, hearing that 700 billion times can be pretty jarring. I'm still on 234 million, and I've had this damn headache for 3 hours."

In Europe, which appears to be the credit crunch's next victim, printers were gearing up for the continent's first printing party since Johannes Gutenberg first invented the printing press almost 600 years ago.

For example, Dieter's Printing Haus in Munich, Germany, has already stopped production on other orders, including broadsheet posters for an upcoming Battle of the Bands in the Bavarian city, to focus on printing Euros. Lots and lots of Euros.

"I guess Rothenberg's Raaderz won't be rocking it out this year," said Dieter Schultz, the shop's manager, in a perfectly executed stereotypical German accent. "They will be stuck playing the Dusseldorf City Convention, which never sells out and has really bad beer."

As for Zeb, he said all he needs is a bridge loan from the Federal Reserve Bank of the United States to buy new printer cartridges.

"I'm running out ink all the time, dude," he said, "but man, inflation is great for business."

Congressional leaders pass bailout for Congressional leaders, pressure from angry constituents cited

noreply@blogger.com (NM) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:34:00 +0000

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Congress today approved a sweeping $700 billion bailout for members of Congress who did not approve that other bailout for failed banks earlier this week.

"Now is the time to get out of here," the Senate and House caucuses of both parties said in a joint statement. "The stock market is puh-retty upset!"

Leaders debated well into the night about the time capsule in which members of Congress would escape. The GOP caucus guaranteed spots for at least 100 members, including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), who said she "really wants to bust a move."

The scene under the Capitol rotunda last night was reminiscent of those days when lawmakers debated America's most important legislation. But the increased urgency was palpable to observers.
Lawmakers could be seen trading cell phone numbers and agreeing to get in touch when they escape the earth's atmosphere. Senators Diane Feinstein (D.-Calif.) and Richard Lugar (R-Ind.) finished up an old best-of-three-games pinball match-up that they had agreed to finish 10 years ago but never got around to doing.

"I pat Dick on the back when he got the double bonus in 'Indiana Jones' pinball," Feinstein said, with a tear dangling from her lacrimal duct. "This could be the last time we play pinball....on Earth."

Voters and investors cheered the news. The Dow Jones Industrials Average rose 654 points, with the S&P 500 following suit with a jump of 6% during mid-morning trading. Still, lawmakers were ready to get out of Dodge.

"Not to use a bad pun," House Minority Whip Roy Blunt (R-Miss.) said, "but this was a sub-prime time to mortgage the future of the United States."