Working for the Government: Funemployment

Laundering Pets: A Money Saving Tip

noreply@blogger.com (Stimulus Recipient) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 21:47:00 +0000

Ed Note: WFTG does not advocate the practice below. The SPCA is a good organization whose resources should not be needlessly depleted, and in fact, feel free to donate to compensate for your fellow unemployed's transgression. With that said, I have to give it up for ingenuity.

To: PetFriendlyPauper
From: YetAnotherMouthToFeed
Subject: Abdul

I told you about that cat, right? The one that everyone keeps passing around saying he's an asshole? Well, I agreed to foster him for a while, and actually think he's great. But of course, none of his previous foster parents bothered to get him vaccinated, etc. I called around, and even at PetSmart it'll cost close to $200 for visit, testing, shots, neutering. I can afford his monthly upkeep, but not the upstart cost. So I got an idea. I surrendered him to the SPCA, where they'll take care of all that, and I can buy him back for $20. A 90% discount!!

But here's the catch. As I'm the one who dropped him off, I can't be the one to adopt him back. Figuring that you're unemployed, too, and have the time, feel like adopting my cat for me next week? I'll pay your bus fare.

Unemployed? Watching your co-workers get picked off one-by-one? Finding yourself roped into your deadbeat friends' increasingly desperate and manic shenanigans? Pass your story or links along to workingforthegovernment@gmail.com

All The Cool People In New York Are Unemployed

noreply@blogger.com (Stimulus Recipient) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:21:00 +0000

Anyone without a job knows that filling time can be a real problem. Sure, at first you spend more time in the gym, take yourself out for leisurely lunches, catch up on reading. But then you realize gyms, lunches, and books are pricey, and tell yourself you'll find cheap, creative ways to entertain yourself. Enter television and the Internet. A couple of weeks ago, New York feted the unemployed in a way that both released tension and got an increasingly pasty population outdoors. Not to mention, it was recreational enough to surely turn their employed friends green with envy (envy being the most plentiful green currency the unemployed have these days).

I encourage people in every city to coordinate their own Unemployment Olympics. What else are you doing with your time?

Unemployed? Watching your co-workers get picked off one-by-one? Finding yourself roped into your deadbeat friends' increasingly desperate and manic shenanigans? Pass your story or links along to workingforthegovernment@gmail.com

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow

noreply@blogger.com (Stimulus Recipient) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:02:00 +0000

CaptainResponsibility: hey
TwiceBitten: hello

CaptainResponsibility: how is everything with you; I never heard from you again after your bad afternoon last week

TwiceBitten: oh

i went on a big bender

even got in a bar fight. my first one!

CaptainResponsibility: probably well deserved

NO WAY!

really?
TwiceBitten: yeah :)

CaptainResponsibility: you threw hands?

TwiceBitten: no

but he lunged at me

people grabbed him and threw him out

CaptainResponsibility: IT WAS A DUDE?

TwiceBitten: yeah

CaptainResponsibility: did you slap his mother or something?

TwiceBitten: he wouldn't stop yammering about the economy. having lost two jobs that day, i was not in the mood to hear it

(he was loudly blabbering all of this to the bar in general)

so i politely ask that he stop, saying that we're all out to have a good time and don't want to think about that stuff

so he got all riled up like, 'what do you know about the economy, you don't know shit, blah blah blah blah..."

like yelling and shit

and i kept asking him to chill and let the economy go. finally he was like, 'what do you know? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? what do yyyoooouuuuu do for a living?"

which was a pretty sensitive issue for me at the moment

and i kinda lost it, "WHAT DO I DO FOR A LIVING? I TELL GUYS LIKE YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

fortunately people had been watching the whole thing, grabbed him, and showed him the door

CaptainResponsibility: God, that's awesome

I wish I'd been there

TwiceBitten: the funny thing is that he bartends somewhere else and now i can't go there anymore :)

unfair

CaptainResponsibility: you found that out after?

TwiceBitten: yeah

CaptainResponsibility: shitty
TwiceBitten: and then THAT bartender flagged him for the bar where it happened

i started an interbar war

CaptainResponsibility: hahahah - that's great
TwiceBitten: sorta

the guy really did need to shut the fuck up, though

so needless to say, there were a rough couple of days there, but things are better now

CaptainResponsibility: I believe it
TwiceBitten: how was the bachelor party?

CaptainResponsibility: I don't even think I'm prepared to discuss it yet

I have NEVER in my life felt as bad as I did on Monday...

it took until Thursday before I felt like I just had a really bad hangover

no voice for 3 days,

TwiceBitten: yeah, even your facebook status sounded unhealthy

CaptainResponsibility: it's was a catastrophic debacle

I'll fill you in more but I have to go get hated on/potentially fired in a staff meeting right now...

I'll be back in a hour or so;

TwiceBitten: have fun!
CaptainResponsibility is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when he comes online.
TwiceBitten: you still employed?

CaptainResponsibility: at the moment, yes

no telling what tomorrow will bring

let's just say careerbuilder and monster aren't far down my list of recently visited websites

TwiceBitten: smart man. beats my strategy of buying an ipod and bike, and signing a lease for a place i couldn't afford with my job

then again, you did just have a kid and purchase a Rolex. we might be too white for this economy.

Unemployed? Watching your co-workers get picked off one-by-one? Finding yourself roped into your deadbeat friends' increasingly desperate and manic shenanigans? Pass your story or links along to workingforthegovernment@gmail.com

Foggy Ripoff

noreply@blogger.com (Stimulus Recipient) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:01:00 +0000

The Foggy Monocle, whose idea I'm blatantly ripping off, has a treasure trove of unemployment drinking stories. I recommend familiarizing yourself with their site with these obvious wastes of inspired talent:

A Gentleman Requires a Bailout
A Gentleman Drinks What He Is Owed In Severance
Two Unemployed Gentlemen Go Rogue
A Gentleman Prepares a Sumptuous Meal
A Gentleman Trades Places

Unemployed? Watching your co-workers get picked off one-by-one? Finding yourself roped into your deadbeat friends' increasingly desperate and manic shenanigans? Pass your story or links along to workingforthegovernment@gmail.com

Keepin-It-Real Envy

noreply@blogger.com (Stimulus Recipient) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:00:00 +0000

To: Lady of Leisure
From: Golden Handcuffed
Subject: Lucky Homeless

I just walked by a homeless couple and caught myself envying the simplicity of their lives. I'm not kidding. I started thinking "Aw, that's cute. I wonder if they're all giddy with each other, excited to spend the night in the subway together, recounting the adventures of the day, trading stories from the past..."

To: Golden Handcuffed
From: Lady of Leisure
Subject: RE: Lucky Homeless

Whether or not I think it's cute depends on how they met. If they were already homeless, kept running into each other at the same street corners/dumpsters/shelters, discovered they have a lot in common, and got together, then I think that's cute. If they were a regular couple who lost everything, and then went homeless, then I think that's kinda sad. Though cute that they stayed together, I guess.

Yeah, maybe I'm jealous, too.

To: Lady of Leisure
From: Golden Handcuffed
Subject: RE: Lucky Homeless

Yes, I considered that scenario as well. I think we can agree, however, that both scenarios are probably more sad than cute, seeing as how, ultimately, the couple is homeless in both. Then again, maybe I’m just the ignorant, unhappy capitalist/materialist, and they’re laughing all the way to the next garbage can.

To: Golden Handcuffed
From: Lady of Leisure
Subject: RE: Lucky Homeless

I'm continually amazed at your inability to lose your job. You're usually so ahead on the trends.

Unemployed? Watching your co-workers get picked off one-by-one? Finding yourself roped into your deadbeat friends' increasingly desperate and manic shenanigans? Pass your story or links along to workingforthegovernment@gmail.com