Words from a dying man

He is!

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Russell) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 21:41:00 +0000

A single magnificent Being, the author of all that there is, containing within Himself all power, all life, all light, all perfection and all love, infinite and never ending, is! He never was or will be, He simply – is! Unbound by time and space, He is! Before feeble man made an appearance, before the foundation of the world, the planets, the stars and the universe, before the birth of the heavens and the spiritual beings which we know so little of and even before the very idea of eternity, He is! So absolutely perfect and whole He is, that He needs no other to define Him, to comfort Him, to advise Him or to keep Him company! So infinite He is, that not even He knows the depths of His own being! His very essence is infinite as even His own Spirit searches out the depths of Himself. So utterly limitless is this Being, that not even eternity itself will provide enough time to fathom the lengths and the depths of who He is. There is no other that is even vaguely comparable, no other that is the slightest threat and no other that can ever hope to be like Him. He is supreme, holy, almighty, righteous, patient, kind, but the one thing that defines Him above all else, so much so that He has made Himself synonymous with it, is love. God is love!

If love be the highest form, the greatest value, the strongest tie, the richest language, the most powerful force, then it would only make sense that if there is an ultimate Creator, an all supreme Being, He would be defined primarily by this very power – love!

What is love? This is a question that has been asked by many a song writer through the ages! Is it just a feeling? Is it a mere decision? Is it only as the Oxford dictionary puts it “an intense feeling of deep affection, a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone or a great interest and pleasure in something”? Can it only be defined by the feeble flutters of a starry-eyed couple on a moonlit rooftop, the powerful bond between a glowing mother and her precious little newborn, nestled snuggly in her bosom or even by the refined, seasoned and tempered relationship of a wrinkly old couple on their golden wedding anniversary? Is love not in essence the act of laying down one’s life for the object of one’s love? Is the nature of love not completely and utterly unconditional, forgiving, unwavering and never ending? 1 Cor 13 puts it so perfectly, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” What greater act of love then is there, than a God who gave up His own life, in the form of His Son, in order to restore the destroyed relationship between ourselves and Himself!

If this be true, looking for the ‘right’ God is not nearly as hard as what I’ve spent my life believing it to be! I got to a point in my life, where I figured I’d just have to believe that the God of the Christians is the ‘right’ God! There were various things about Christianity that stood out as convincing enough above all the many other claims to have found the ‘real’ God, but when this revelation of His love enlightened my ever questioning mind, my heart responded with a complete and total, unquestionable peace. Never again would I ever doubt who my God is – and He loves me even more than what I will discover from an eternity with Him!

What is real?

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Russell) — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 21:49:00 +0000

“Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!”. The words of Truman Burbank played over and over in my head like the tune from a passing ice cream van! However, it wasn’t these words that were really the cause of my contemplative state, but rather the reality of what I’d experienced while watching the Truman Show a couple of hours earlier! To watch a man live a life in a world he thought to be real, yet completely oblivious to the true reality that he was in, stirred something in me! From the outset of the movie, one is longing for Truman to discover the truth about his current reality, and as a result escape the staged world he is living in. This sense is underlined by the reaction of the millions of viewers as Truman steps through the door in the sky in the closing scenes of the movie as he turns to the camera and uses the very words that were still echoing in my head.

What is real? Once again, I ask a question which has been asked since the dawn of time. Wikipedia puts it this way – “Reality, in everyday usage, means "the state of things as they actually exist". In a sense it is what is real.” My understanding of this is simply, reality is what actually is, irrespective of any subjective view, perception, perspective, position, opinion or belief. I have often used the example of an ostrich burying it’s head in the sand between 2 steel tracks. Whether the ostrich knows about it, or believes it or not, does not change the reality that the coming train will provide passengers at the next station with some fresh, but flattened, unsalted, ostrich biltong. What is real is certainly not defined by what is visible, unless you really want to take a step off a 10 story building and see what happens. However, in each of these examples, the reality of the situation is proven by the result of the reality that existed when put to the test! The problem is that not all realities or truths out there are as blatantly obvious as the results of jumping off of a building. So much of what we claim to be real, is based on the perception or presupposed position on how we view that thing. For the better part of Truman’s life, he had no clue whatsoever that there was anything more than the life he had always assumed to be real, and for him, this was his reality. We, however, know that his reality was far from the real life that every other human being was living.

I still had two questions ever begging for an answer in the back of my mind – What was I missing? And what is real? (See end of post – ‘Anybody out there?') As I began to think about it, it slowly dawned on me that these 2 questions might well yield the same answer! The problem was that I didn’t have a clue where to start! What are the chances of suddenly finding something you’ve missed completely for 30 years! The answer would not be found anywhere obvious. I had to start looking below the surface if I wanted any success in my search. What was I missing? What is real? Well, at first glance, it seemed that my life on planet earth was pretty real. I was a human being, with parents, family and friends. I had been brought up with a belief and a faith in the God of Christianity. I had gone to church and tried my utmost to pursue God in the context of who I was and where I was at! At church, I was exposed to much teaching on the truth about God, man and the relationship which was supposed to exist between them. Yet somehow, all this truth was not helping. Was it then really the truth? Or was it only half truth? Or not truth at all? I certainly didn’t believe that it was untruth, and so I could only conclude that there must be more to these truths that I yet had to see. However, it felt like there just wasn’t enough scope for new truth in my current world view!

This realization brought me to a place where I had to re-examine the way I’d gained my current world view. So I started at the beginning. I had been born into a white, intelligent, middle-class family... Hang on a second, in the context of the rest of the world, could we really call ourselves middle-class? According to wealth statistics, we fell in the top 1% of the global population. Carrying on… I grew up for the first few years of my life at home with my mother as a full time mom! I then went to school at the age of 6. Being relatively bright, I did fairly well academically, without too much effort. I played sport and did all the things that kids usually do when growing up! When I finished school, the next consideration was what I would study and which direction I would choose as a career. Now in this particular case, my life took a turn away from the popular trend and I decided not to study. I started working shortly after school, and have worked ever since! So taking a step back and relooking at this account of my life, I could see nothing wrong with it, it was pretty average, nothing out of the norm.

The words had barely crossed my mind when it hit me between the eyes! I had just used the word ‘norm’ – meaning normal! I was perfectly right, my life had been perfectly normal, and it was exactly this fact that jolted me! Who says that what I’d always just assumed to be the normal, right way of doing things was necessarily the correct way?

As I began to consider this possibility, I realized that my entire life had been built on a foundation of certain presuppositions. In the western culture that I was brought up in, my life was automatically governed by order, time, information, the need to expand one’s mind, rationalized thinking and logic. I had never given any one of these presupposed realities a second thought, but could it be that some of them were not necessarily as important as I’d always believed? Could it be that because of some of these, my entire ability to experience God could be affected? Bringing God into this picture forced me to take yet another step back.

The concept of eternity was not new to me at all. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was an eternal, spirit being, and that being created in His image, we too as humans, were eternal, spirit beings. We were put on planet earth for a very short period of time in the context of eternity, to find God, live in the fullness He had for us here, and then move on and join Him in eternity! This realization alone is enough to make one see the seeming insignificance of so much that we waste our time with. All that really holds any value ultimately, is what we can take beyond this life. And yet, even with this revelation, it lacked the power in me to make much difference in the way I was living my life.

In the context of eternity, I now had to take another look at some of these fundamental values that I’d based my entire life on. If God was spirit, and I was made up of body, soul and spirit, why was it that absolutely nothing in these presupposed views, other than a possible recognition of our need for God, included the development or even acknowledgement of the spirit component of who we are. Why not? After all, that’s the part that lives beyond this life!

Suddenly it started making sense. All my life, my entire experience of God and my efforts to relate to Him, had been, without even knowing, through the filters of these very fundamental issues which had governed my life, my way of thinking and my world view. I realized that God is spirit, and He wants us to ‘worship Him in Spirit and in truth’. Sure I knew I was a spirit being, but was I really that aware of the spirit within me? And being spirit filled, was I really that aware of His Spirit in me? Or was I interpreting even my experience of His infilling through my reasoning, through my intellect?

And so once again I was left with more questions than answers, but I was getting closer. Something in me needed to get a better understanding firstly, of who God is, and secondly, who I really am – not how I perceive myself, but how He perceives me!

One thing more thing can be said about Truman and that is that he was utterly determined to find the truth, nothing could stop him! And at this point in my life, nothing was going to stop me either! So all I have left to say is, “Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!”

Anybody out there?

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Russell) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:27:00 +0000

“God I know you’re out there, show yourself to me!! I’m desperate! All I long for is a real encounter with you! I’m tired of this theoretical Christian thing. If it’s not real I don’t want it!”, my prayer of desperation wrenched itself from my very core. I waited. Nothing. I tried again. “God please, I can’t go on like this! You say that you want me to experience you. All I want is to know you! I need to know you, my very life depends on it!” Again I waited. Still nothing! I groaned almost audibly in the silent darkness where I lay. It was once again the early hours of the morning as I had dragged my sleepy, yet busy head into bed! Tonight had been little different to my usual routine. I had been out with friends, once again doing my best to keep my scrambled thoughts at bay, but tonight was one of those times where we had delved into some of the deeper aspects of our own attempts with God. It had been real, as it always was, yet all it did in me was serve as a stark reminder of the emptiness and lifelessness which had become me! It was like staring into a mirror under a spotlight, naked! Nights like these utterly exposed me to myself! And so as I left the crowd, I headed home in a blur of frustrations and pent up emotions. I had to have a break through. I couldn’t go on like this!

I rolled over in bed, the only answer to my groan being the sweet comfort of sleep which came quickly for once. Sadly, as with most nights like these, I had gotten no closer to any of the answers and experiences I longed for. I just couldn’t understand it. I had been told many a time, by many a person that God longed to reveal Himself to me even more than I wanted Him to. I was at a point where I was beginning to doubt even that! What more could I do? I had tried everything! There had been times in my life where I had given God some decent time and headspace to work with me. I had spent long hours reading the Word, pouring out my heart to Him and trying to hear Him talk to me. On one or two occasions, I had really heard Him talk, undeniably, and yet it wouldn’t be long and the efforts to maintain such a walk would prove too much, and I would slip back into the old routine. Why couldn’t I sustain my walk with God? Was it only about discipline? If it was, it was extremely unfair! I grew up in a family with a father and a sister who had more self discipline in their little fingers than the rest of humankind put together, or so it felt! The worst part is that it seemed that they were born that way! I, on the other hand, was the epitome of everything else! There were areas in my life where passion would keep me committed to something for long periods of time, yet sheer self discipline in anything else seemed almost unreachable. Here I was, fighting a losing battle in my walk with God, and it seemed that the only thing that would enable me to pursue the most important thing in life, was one of the few natural tendencies that God left me without! There were times where I would have given up half my other natural talents, for a hint of self discipline in my devotion to Him.

Passion had to be the key! If I could just work up enough passion and love for Him, I would be able to maintain my commitment to Him. Yet, how was I supposed to work up passion and love for Him when He wouldn’t even respond to my cries of desperation to experience Him? I longed to know Him, to love Him as I should and yet I could not conjure it up! He had to put that passion and desire for Himself in me, and I was not willing to fake it any longer! I was done with fooling myself! It was either God, or nothing!

I sat in church one morning listening to the preacher talking about the ‘mosaic’ generation. This was the term given to the current generation of youth who were desperate for truth and done with anything that could not provide them with real tangible answers! Church, according to surveys, was one of the many things that this segment of the population had rated as useless in their search for real answers! As I sat there listening, there was a cry within my own heart which seemed to echo the statements that were being made. I’d grown up in church! I had hated the Christian sub-culture from as long as I can remember and had very little tolerance for people that used all the right words, acted in certain ways, hung out with certain people and just generally gave the impression of being something they weren’t! It made me sick! I would rather have been with people who had plenty of issues and bad habits, but who were at least being real with where they were at in life! And yet, church was where I was told I would find answers! The only thing that kept me there, was the handful of lives that I could see were genuine! I could see that God had really made Himself real to them! I longed to know how! I had spent many an hour with some of these people probing for clues that would unlock my own experience with God, and yet, even then, I seemed to hit the dead end of a redefined theoretical gospel which demanded a thing called faith!

I was told that you just had to believe! That certain things we would not know by experience this side of death! After all, my salvation was based entirely on faith, so why on earth should I expect much more in my walk with God than just believing? I was told that God would hide Himself from me in order to prove the strength of my faith! Whatever happened to Jeremiah 33:3- “Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”? And how do you interpret Luke 11:10-13 – "For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Was wanting to know and experience God too much to ask? There are countless verses in the Bible that explicitly state that God wants us to find Him, and yet no matter how hard I tried, I was just not getting it! Why not?

The golden glow on the inside of my eyelids as the sun found a crack in my curtain was what woke me. The residue of my pain from the previous night still lingered in the darker reaches of my mind. I had no answers, but one thing I knew for sure. If what I’d been exposed to my entire life was not giving me the answers I needed, then there had to be something more, something that was missing! This realization left me with two new questions that I knew I had to find answers to! What was I missing? And what is real?

A life worth living, or not!

noreply@blogger.com (Paul Russell) — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 00:31:00 +0000

I lay in bed wide awake. It was 2am and I’d been out all night keeping my frustrated and troubled head as distracted and as preoccupied as I knew how. In fact, I had been out most nights for almost as long as I can remember, with the same futile agenda. It worked well at times, or so I thought, spending long hours with friends in insipid and pointless conversation, wasting away the time watching mind numbing movies or long sessions in front of the pc, allowing myself to slip into a world almost as virtual and as detached as the pathetic existence I had created for myself.

So there I lay, forced once again by the absence of my carefully planned escapades, to face the thoughts and questions which seemed so obliging at this time of night to keep me out of my very needed sleep! I was desperately tired and longed to slip into the usual bliss of dreamless sleep, but tonight, as many others, my restless head would not allow me that privilege. There were just so many unanswered questions and an endless, yet disjointed trail of conflicts from the many influences and experiences that had shaped my personality, my character, my ideals, my morals and ultimately, my current view of life. But the question which demanded the most attention on most nights like these was simply this: Why on earth am I here?

Ok, so this is the question that most of mankind has been asking ever since the first step of intelligent life on the planet. The thing that frustrated me the most about this question, as with most of the these tormenting thoughts, was that I knew all the right answers to most of them! In fact, I had spent many a night with close friends, delving into many of these pertinent questions and discussing them at great length, often giving hope and seemingly real answers to many of their frustrations and yet, here I was, unable to satisfy my own restless mind with the answers that I claimed to have. Yes, it gave me a fleeting sense of fulfillment knowing that I had given someone else the keys to the very doors which I longed to pass through, however, the reality of it all, was that seeing others find direction and meaning in life as a result of the insights that I claimed to possess only increased the depth of my own dilemma. At this point, however, I would need to retrace a couple of steps in my own life, in order to expose the gravity of the question in my current situation.

I grew up in a healthy, loving home, a stable family life, a vibrant childhood, a good education, a kaleidoscope of natural abilities and talents, a potential future of my choice and a lifelong legacy of good Christian influences and beliefs! Any normal person would have had a field day with the hand that I had been dealt! I had been sent off to a Christian school at the age of 7, and had been involved in church life since as early as I can remember. I had been exposed to hundreds, if not thousands of hours of good sound teaching on God, on what He did for us by sending His son to die for us and on various aspects of theology ranging from predestination, to life in the Spirit! I had heard it all, and just in case I hadn’t, I had read many a book on the deeper aspects of Christian life too. And yet, here I was, asking the question that anybody else in my shoes would have had sorted out by the time they hit puberty – Why on earth am I here?

Before I go any further, maybe this would be a good point to give the textbook answer to this question, after all I knew it all too well! It is this: I was put on planet earth because there is a God who wanted to have a relationship with me. So my primary reason for being here was to love Him back, get to know Him as a Father, a friend and a lover, and then secondly to share this fullness of life with as many other lost and hopeless souls as I possibly could! It seemed simple enough, and I did not for one minute doubt it, yet no matter how hard I tried, I could never seem to find that ‘fullness of life’ that so many others around me seemed to be experiencing! In fact, in so many areas of my life, the total opposite was true. Most importantly though, was the fact that I still faced the abominable question – Why on earth am I here?

So here I was, 30 odd years of age, having been given a life of opportunities which few others have had the privilege of, and yet, my life was a useless existence of internal torment! I felt trapped! I had been exposed to so much life and so much truth. I had rubbed shoulders with men and women who were living passionate and single minded lives in whole hearted pursuit after God! Yet, in all of this, I continued in a life caught between the person I knew I should be and the frustrated and futile efforts to become that! I sincerely had a heart that longed for God, longed for a deeper walk with Him and longed to live a life that counted, but all that I had to show was a life riddled with compromise, self centeredness, self indulgence and countless insecurities! There had been sporadic encounters of life, yet so few and far between, that time eroded all too quickly any trace of momentum in the right direction. The rest of my life was consumed by an attempt to fill my own life with whatever other cheap and sordid thrill I could find! The results of these attempts would invariably leave me feeling empty and in most cases, loaded with guilt and shame! I longed for life! I longed for God! I longed to be able to answer the question – Why on earth am I here?

It got to the point where I would find myself angry with God. Why had He made me? It wasn’t fair! I hadn’t asked to be created, yet here I was, and now I was stuck between the only two options available – either turning my back on God, and having a reckless blast, ending in eternal pain and suffering or choosing God, and being stuck to live a morbid, boring, lifeless existence, forever battling between what I know I should be and the useless pathetic state I found myself in! Let me say it again, I was trapped and I hated every second of it! Oh, I had gone for help! I had spent many a wretched hour with all sorts of wise people all offering me the same useless textbook answers that I already knew! I had cried out in desperation to God to get me out of the hole that I was in, and each of those times, He had simply yanked the door of the cupboard open, only to expose to the world my sick and rotting skeletons! In each case I had been stripped naked and hung on a pole for my unsuspecting friends and family to stare at in utter shock and horror! The shame and remorse that such incidents brought on were usually persuasive enough to evoke a response from me to get my life into gear for as long as I could sustain it, but before long, the edges of my newly defined attempts would start crumbling away! And so the cycle of my life would start all over again!

It would be 4am before I would drift off to sleep, exhausted and frustrated, my head still as muddled as the knotted duvet twisted around my legs and my pillow, drenched with the tears of a thousand emotions! Little did I know, that as I lay there asleep, I really did have a loving Savior, watching from far closer than I ever imagined, crying those same tears on my behalf, longing infinitely more than I could ever have longed for in return, to reach across the abyss that seemed to keep us apart and wrap His loving arms around me! It was only a matter of time, and that time was coming soon!