BYU Women's Services and Resources

Dwindling through feelings of perfectionism

noreply@blogger.com (administrator) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 22:35:00 +0000

As we approach the middle of finals week, I have felt the great pressure of making the grade and doing well on my final tests. With great apprehesion, I check my test scores and find that they aren't where I want them to be. After studying so diligently, I often wonder why these scores don't reflect the time and effort that was put into studying for these test. I come away feeling saddened about something that I know isn't of eternal significance and must remember my worth is not what the number is that appears on the screen, but it is the process of how I gained the knowledge to even prepare to take the test. One of my favorite Ensign articles teaches us about how we can overcome our feelings of perfectionism and realize that we can be content with what we have accomplished. Here is the article:

Growing up, I was always inclined to perfectionism. So when I received my patriarchal blessing, one admonition in particular seemed natural: to complete the tasks I was given “to the best of [my] ability, to perfection.” Only later would I start to realize how little I understood perfection—or the role of grace.
In 1998 I returned home early from a mission due to health problems. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt because I felt I had not completed my mission “to perfection.” Added to this sense of failure was uncertainty about my illness. So far, doctors had been unable to diagnose it.
In spite of my health challenges, I knew I needed to move forward, so I enrolled in a university to continue my education. After only two quarters, however, I returned home again, in pain, for urgent surgery. It was at this point that doctors discovered I had an autoimmune disease.
While I was recovering from surgery, I began working part-time at the chocolate store where I had been employed as a teenager. Even though I was doing what I could, I didn’t feel that I was pursuing anything worthwhile, much less completing it “to perfection.” I began to compare myself to others, especially to my friends who were completing their college degrees, serving missions, or starting families. I felt left behind.
Then I met Stephanie. She came into the candy store one day wearing a black scarf around her head. As I pointed out to her my favorite chocolate, I felt impressed to inquire about her situation. She smiled, removed her scarf, and, pointing to her bald head, told me she was going through chemotherapy. That exchange was the start of a special and candid friendship.
Stephanie came by the store regularly to enjoy a treat and talk about life. I learned that she was a member of the Church and that she had struggled spiritually as well as physically. She told me about some rebellious choices she had made and about her efforts to repent. She was working toward being sealed to her husband in the temple.
One day I shared some of my own challenges. I confided in her how discouraged I was by my circumstances. “I am scooping the same ice cream I scooped in high school,” I explained. “I didn’t complete my mission or college, and I don’t know what to do now.”
Stephanie responded, “Why do you have to finish the race of life in a set time? Why not just run the race?”
For the first time, I realized that the efforts I was making were my best, and my best was enough. The Savior loved me, and His grace, through His Atonement, was sufficient for me, for my deficiencies. Although I felt I had been looking to Him all along, until Stephanie shared her insight with me, I had somehow missed an important lesson about His role in my life.
Ether 12:27 says, “My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” As I have been able to humble myself and have faith in the Lord, I have seen over and over again that He does indeed make weak things become strong. My increased testimony of this truth has helped me face my challenges with greater faith and hope.
A few months after that conversation, I left my hometown to start a new job and lost contact with my friend. One day my mom called to tell me that she had seen Stephanie’s obituary in the newspaper. I came home to attend her funeral and learned she had been sealed to her husband just three weeks before her death.
My heart sighed with gratitude for having had Stephanie in my life and for what she taught me about running a perfect race. I don’t always need to sprint. Occasionally, it will be all I can do to simply face the finish line. Doing our best to move forward—no matter what speed “our best” is—is OK. Our efforts can be made perfect because the Lord’s grace is sufficient for us all see Moroni 10:32).

By Amanda Dierenfeldt, "To Perfection", Ensign March 2009

Each time I read this article, I feel that doing my best is sufficient. I can walk away with my head held up high and know that I am doing everything I can to move forward. We must look at how far we have come and not how short we were from achieving our goal the way we wanted to. Good luck on the rest of finals!

Beauty through the lens

noreply@blogger.com (Bianca) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 17:51:00 +0000

Our very own beautiful and talented Brooke Schultz was interviewed on BYU Weekly about her amazing photography skills! As most of you know, Brooke has the talent of capturing true beauty with her camera. She is able to capture the perfect moment when someone is truly letting their beauty shine. She was blessed with a talent that allows the world to see who you are on the inside by the emotions you display on the outside.
Thank you for sharing your talent with the world Brooke! It really has made the world a more beautiful place!

Here is the link to her interview. It will start around 14:00.
http://www.byutv.byu.edu

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

noreply@blogger.com (administrator) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 20:11:00 +0000

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=bZEkLrqo58I

Relationships are tricky. Whether they're with family, friends, romantic partners or with yourself, figuring out how to be is a tricky thing. This video reminded me sooooo much of how I've been in relationships. Even now, at 23, I find myself struggling to be a whole person. Often, I forget that to be truly loved, we have to know and love ourselves. I think it's easy to get sucked in to filling someone else's holes in relationships, rather than filling our own.

Elder and Sister Hafen spoke on this in the August 2007 Ensign in one of my favorite articles called "Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners" . In this article they said: "And in an equal-partner marriage both also bring a spiritual maturity to their partnership, without regard to gender. Both have a conscience and the Holy Ghost to guide them. Both see family life as their most important work. Each also strives to become a fully rounded disciple of Jesus Christ—a complete spiritual being."

To me, this means being a whole person who can be happy and fulfilled and forward-moving in my solo-relationship with my Heavenly Father,Christ, the Holy Ghost and myself. I think being a whole person means knowing what you can contribute to a relationship, but not needing a relationship to feel worthwhile.

The idea of being a whole, single person is something I am only now starting to grasp in my dating life. It has been freeing and enlivening to learn how to love myself and to develop a relationship with myself. I have asked Heavenly Father to help me see myself as he sees me, and I have only been able to do that as I have spent meaningful time alone with myself.

Which leads me to THIS video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

What I have come to realize for myself is that as a daughter of God, there is a part of God within me, and in trusting Him, I have to trust myself and cherish the person that He created. It is hard, sometimes to have faith in who God created me to be, and the person He is shaping me to be. When I stop to recognize all that He has taught me and all that I can do because of the trials He has blessed me with, I am astonished and am able to move forward in love and gratitude.

You're Beautiful!

noreply@blogger.com (KO) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 21:19:00 +0000

"You will know the wonders of the human body because there is nothing more wonderful. The next time you look into the mirror, just look at the way the ears rest next to the head; look at the way the hairline grows; think of all the little bones in your wrist. It is a miracle." --Martha Graham

There is nothing more gorgeous than you. Your body is beautiful. Because simply in being human, in the functions of your body, you are a miracle. Sometimes I think that as women we are more likely to criticize our physical bodies, to subdue them, even to hate them. The world convinces us that if the way we look is not ideal, somehow our self-worth is diminished. But I want to take some time talking about the beautiful, divine gift that we each have been given through which we experience so many incredible things in this life.
Russell M. Nelson has noted, “Your body, whatever its natural gifts, is a magnificent creation of God. It is a tabernacle of flesh—a temple for your spirit. A study of your body attests to its divine design.” Have you ever taken time to think about how especially amazing your body is? You were grown from microscopic pieces, a little at a time. Just on the inside you have organs, bones, blood, tissue, veins, arteries, vessels. You have electricity shooting all over your body from your brain. You have a heart that beats non-stop, without anything else prompting it. When you get sick your body immediately goes to work to fight the infection. When you cut yourself, your body begins the process of healing itself immediately. You have systems to keep you nourished and hydrated, systems to maintain your balance and sense of space, and systems to maintain the perfect body temperature.
On the outside of your body, what's visible to other people, you have even more miracles. Ears situated in just the right place so that you can hear where sounds are coming from and respond appropriately. Feet that bare all your weight and keep you moving forward, responding to incredible amounts of force. You have skin that protects the inside of your body from the infinite amount of things in the world that could hurt it. Inside and out, you were designed with great care for incredible things. And you are beautiful.
We should not be ashamed of the bodies that we’ve been given. Whether or not the outside of your body looks the way you would like it to at this time; whether or not it always works the way you want; whether you’re clumsy or elegant, short or tall, you are here. You're interacting with a world that was made especially for this body and spirit of yours to experience. You breath, you move, you are. You've been given an incredible gift with which you can choose what to do. And this gift was created with precision and intent, and its equal will never be found. You are a miracle.
We should take the time to appreciate these miraculous gifts we've been given. Each looks different, and is precious in itself. We are to use them, to respect them, to celebrate them. No one else will ever inhabit this body of yours. It reflects the unique spirit that resides in it. Love your body. Embrace it. Care for it. Let it know how gorgeous it is. Because, inside and out, you are beautiful.

Link Friday

noreply@blogger.com (BYU Women's Services) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 18:56:00 +0000

Link Friday! My next interview in the series Recapturing the Beauty of the Mind is scheduled for next Monday (with theater professor Megan Sanborn Jones—so excited to chat with her), so today I want to share a few cool links about LDS women and education.

First, my friend Amy. She blogs at Confessions of a Co-Sleeper. We had a few classes together in the music program while she was at BYU, getting a masters degree in vocal performance. Now she is living in Canada with her little family and blogging up a storm about attachment parenting. I love Amy’s honesty, sense of humor, and especially her combination of faith and reason as she shares her journey of motherhood. Definitely check out her “Author” and “About” sections to read her story and see how she thinks.

This is a fascinating article at Square Two about one woman’s struggle to reconcile societal inconsistencies related to women’s opportunities: Giving Women a Voice Without Sacrificing Faith or Family.

I recently found this talk given by John Carmack a few years ago at a conference of the J. Reuben Clark Law Society. He is the executive director of the Perpetual Education Fund. His comments and quotes from many church leaders about education for women and men are very informative. Be sure to read to the end where there are some cool stories of women benefiting from the PEF.

And finally, this interview at mormonwomen.com, with Kirsten Monson, who is using her education in statistics and business management to increase educational opportunities for less-advantaged women throughout the world. Totally inspiring.

Enjoy!

Eating Healthy on a Tight Budget

noreply@blogger.com (administrator) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 22:22:00 +0000

As college students, we have lots of financial obligations that we must pay and it leaves us little room for an adequate food budget. When we plan to eat healthy and set out to purchase things, it is important to keep in mind that we can do it without having it cost an arm and a leg. There are 3 P's that we should incorporate into making a successful food budget.

1- Plan what we are going to cook and make sure it has ingredients that can be used for several meals.

2- Purchase only the amounts that you need and can use before it spoils.

3- Prepare a food budget that states how much you are going to spend per week.

When we incorporate the 3 P's, we can consider our resources available, make a shopping list that is based on the resources you have to spend, and increase our awareness of healthy meal options that we can cook. Before you go shopping, remember to check in your cupboards and refridgerator for the foods you already have. After you have an idea of the foods you have, you can ask yourself the following questions:

What meals and recipes can I make using the foods I have?

What food items do I need to purchase?

Now is the time to become an incredible bargain shopper, and look for coupons. It is important to buy fresh fruits and vegetables that are in season because they generally cost less. With the closing of this semsester, you can begin thinking of how you might want to adjust your food budget for the new semester.

BEAUTIFUL shirts for Christmas!

noreply@blogger.com (administrator) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 19:59:00 +0000

Come and buy a BEAUTIFUL T-shirt for Christmas for your mother, sister, daughter, or friend!

They are on sale at the Wilkinson Center Information Desk for only $5.00!

Pay for the shirt/s at the information desk then bring your receipt up to our office (3326 WSC) for

pick-up.

They come in orange, purple, pink, blue and green!

Women in Film + Service Project Photos

noreply@blogger.com (brooke) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:32:00 +0000

A huge thanks to all of those who came to our service project today—Days For Girls came to discuss the benefits of the kits we made, and we were able to get started on hundreds of kits!

A huge thanks to Celeste Mergens for speaking and organizing the entire event!

Recognizing True Men

noreply@blogger.com (KO) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:23:00 +0000

A big reason that I love contributing to this blog is because it promotes women’s intelligence, autonomy, and self-awareness. That being said, I think it’s important, while we are asserting the strength and beauty of women, to keep a careful watch that we do not give a bad name to our male counterparts. The world assigns false ideals of beauty to women, but it also assigns false ideals of masculinity to men, and can portray a view of them that is not only flawed, but also debilitating to how women relate to them.

So I wanted to say thank you to the many real men that I know. They understand what it means to be honorable, and they live their lives accordingly. I must note that, no, not all members of the male gender are this fantastic, but a lot of them are. And I believe that if we as women don't recognize and appreciate this true manhood, it will continue to be undervalued and sometimes unnoticed.

So thank you, men who:
- still open doors and give compliments.
- appreciate a woman who speaks her mind and utilizes it.
- respect when a woman needs space, emotionally as well as physically.
- care about children, and encourage their excitement and progression.
- refuse to view pornography or other media and messages that would only fill your mind with filth and disrespect for yourselves and others.
- not only encourage women to pursue worthy goals in education and careers, but pursue worthy goals yourselves. Thank you to the men who know where you want to go and are working to get there.
- recognize that no one is perfect, but try your best to improve daily.
- dedicate yourselves to serving your country, your religion, your family. Thank you, men who understand that there are greater purposes than serving yourself, and try to make a difference.
- try your best to soothe, comfort, and care for others when necessary.
- work hard to make others feel included and important. Who seek out the lonely or unnoticed and let them know that they are not alone.
- are responsible with your money, your time, and your resources. You are mature enough to recognize when it's alright to throw caution to the wind, and when it's time to control yourself.
- work hard even when it is unpleasant. You who know how to put in an honest day's work, thank you.

Each of these statements is made in reference to one or more specific men that I know who are true men. In all we do to recognize the wonderful traits in women, let's please not forget the amazing men we know. Let's not tell jokes about how clueless men are or how they don't try. Let’s not assume they are all pigs who only care about what women look like. Because honestly, I think we can all pinpoint many men we know who are doing amazing things. We should encourage the wonderful things the men in our lives do if we are to expect support and encouragement in return.

Interview: Laurie Hamer Page

noreply@blogger.com (BYU Women's Services) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:00:00 +0000

This is the first interview in the series "Recapturing the Beauty of the Mind," which is part of the BYu Women’s Services Recapturing Beauty Campaign. You can read the full interview at my personal blog.

For my first interview, I sought out my dear friend Laurie Hamer Page. We met several years ago in BYU Concert Choir, and have been friends ever since. Laurie grew up in Minneapolis, MN. She is working on a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and was recently married in July of this year. I love my conversations with Laurie—she is a deep thinker and an incredible listener. I always feel better about life after a good talk with her. I was excited to hear Laurie’s take on some of my favorite topics: women and education.

Monica Hymas Rasmussen: What led you to apply for the Counseling Psychology PhD program at BYU?

Laurie Hamer Page: I struggled for a long time unsure of what I wanted to do with my life and my career path. I dropped out of college in 2001 and moved back to Minnesota for 5 years. Prior to dropping out I probably changed my major 3 times officially, but about 6 times unofficially. I was pretty fed up with school and felt depressed and discouraged about my own abilities in academia. During that time in Minnesota I worked as a waitress and bartender and then went into restaurant management. I was a terrible manager--but I ended up being a pretty good counselor to my employees. I then went to work for an awesome small company in downtown Minneapolis as an office manager. It was a great job, but I realized that I was unhappy sitting at a desk and that I had to go back to school if I was going to do anything different.

I didn't really have a plan when I moved back out to Provo and I felt emotionally lost for the first few months being back in classes. For one thing, I was 6-9 years older than most of my classmates and I felt out of place. I knew I wanted to major in psychology, but that was about it. Then in December of that first semester back in school I heard a lecture about the theoretical underpinnings in psychology and some of the flaws with mainstream psychology and I felt excited and inspired. I started reading everything I could about this topic. It was really at that moment that I knew I wanted to go to graduate school. I planned on applying to Masters of Social Work programs--because the idea of a PhD felt way too intimidating at first. And honestly, I felt afraid to think about entering a 5 year program at age 29. I knew that I wanted to get married and have children and I thought that a masters program would be less complicated. However, after some encouragement from one of my professors and more thought and prayer I realized that a doctoral program would really be the best option for me.

MHR: Comment on your dissertation research: describe what you are researching, why you chose the topic, or how it will add to the body of knowledge in your field?

LHP: My dissertation is on how committed LDS converts’ relationships (with family, friends, God, and themselves) change after baptism into the LDS church. I got involved with this research team just before entering the program. I love it. The reason I got into it is because I love qualitative research. I find personal stories much more interesting and much more telling than numbers. I am also deeply interested in understanding psychology from a place that takes spirituality and human agency seriously.

MHR: What advice do you have for young BYU women who are struggling to choose a major or still searching for something they are passionate about?

LHP: There are SO many things I feel strongly about on this issue. First, pay attention to what you use to guide, and potentially limit, your choices. For example, are you afraid to enter a major that sounds interesting to you because it's not prestigious enough or because your parents would be disappointed? Are you afraid to go into a field that requires a lot of schooling? Are you afraid to approach a career that seems incompatible with motherhood? Don't be afraid to major in something you find interesting….

There’s more! You can find the full interview at my personal blog!

Sharpening Our Saws

noreply@blogger.com (Whitney the Weirdy) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:28:00 +0000

A man was struggling in the woods to saw down a tree one day. An old farmer came by, watched for a while, then quietly said, “What are you doing?”

“Can’t you see?” the man impatiently replied, “I’m sawing down this tree.”

“You look exhausted,” said the farmer. “How long have you been at it?”

“Over five hours, and I’m beat,” replied the man. “This is hard work.”

“That saw looks pretty dull,” said the farmer. “Why don’t you take a break for a few minutes and sharpen it? I’m sure it would go a lot faster.”

“I don’t have time to sharpen the saw,” the man said as he wiped sweat off his brow. “I’m too busy sawing!”

During this crazy time of the semester, it’s easy to get carried away with the stress of finals and forget to take time for ourselves. We have tests to take, papers to hurriedly write, and it might seem like we don’t have much time at all. But there is always time to rejuvenate. Here are some quick tips on how to sharpen your own saw during finals.

How to Sharpen your Saw During Finals Week

Physically

Do some deep breathing exercises. Click the link for some tips on pranayama breathing!

http://www.discover-yoga-online.com/support-files/yoga-breathing-techniques.pdf

Take a brisk walk around your block. It can clear your mind and help you stay awake while studying!

Put on a good song and dance! I personally prefer listening to “Dancing with Myself” by Billy Idol. It burns SO much stress and you feel great afterwards!

Socially

Write a quick thank-you note to someone who’s done service for you.

Attend the “Women in Film” event happening on December 1^st in 3380 WSC at 11:00am. You’ll be glad you did!

When you’re getting ready for the day, look in the mirror and tell yourself “I love you and thank you for functioning to the best of your ability.” Seriously these bodies of ours are amazing and they deserve some credit!

Spiritually

Read your favorite pick-me-up scripture, one that makes you feel like you can do anything!

Work on your talents! If you can play an instrument, practice some scales. If you’re a good listener, let your friends know you care about them during this trying time. When we work on our talents, they bring us closer to God.

Pray! Pray, pray, pray! It’s a wonderful action and you’ll feel the blessings from it, I promise!

Women in Film

noreply@blogger.com (administrator) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 20:44:00 +0000

This Thursday, December 1st from 11am-1pm, Women's Services and Resources will be showcasing incredible women through film, a speaker and a service project! Celeste Mergens from http://www.daysforgirls.org/ is coming to speak with us about the service project we will be doing. Stop by any time between 11 and 1 to help make feminine care kits for women in third world countries. The women the kits are being made for can't go to school when they are menstruating, so these kits mean they can stay in school and don't have to drop out.

Please, stop by and help us out, even for just a few minutes, for this meaningful project!!!

Helping Our Hearts to Grow

noreply@blogger.com (KO) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:13:00 +0000

How the Grinch Stole Christmas. A classic Christmas tale of the true meaning of the holiday. I want to share my favorite part with you, that illustrates not only why I love the Thanksgiving/Christmas season, but what I love to try to remember in every-day life.

So, the Grinch went down to Whoville and stole all the presents, but all the Whos still celebrated Christmas, and were happy for what they had. This inspired a great change in the Grinch’s heart:

“And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...in Whoville they say,
That the Grinch's small heart Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Grinch carved the roast beast!”

What I love about this part of the story is that the joy and love all the Whos down in Whoville had made an impact on the otherwise hateful Grinch. He felt the effects of their gratitude, and was inspired not only to make his wrongs right, but to share in the joy by carving the roast beast.

There are two vital life principles that we get to be reminded about this time of year that make all the difference in the world as a whole, as well as your own world. These are gratitude and charity. When we take the time to truly appreciate what we’ve been given, we are inspired to give to others. And as we give to others with a pure heart, our heart grows, just like the Grinch.

It’s no surprise that the time of year when we celebrate the Savior’s birth is the time when the world becomes a little more giving. Jesus Christ gave everything possible for us because of His great love. And as we come to know Him better we seek to give what we can to others, because we begin to acquire some of that Christlike love ourselves. The more like the Savior we become, the more thankful we are for what we have, and the happier we are to serve, love, and give to our brothers and sisters.

I like to think of the visual from the animated How the Grinch Stole Christmas movie—when the Grinch’s heart broke the little box it was in. I’m sure you’ve had moments in your life when you felt your heart was so full it would burst. For me, these moments have been when I become aware of the infinite blessings the Lord has given me, and when I take the time to try and bless the lives of others. As you go through this holiday season, and really through your whole year, try to remember the effect that charity and gratitude have on your heart. Remember what it’s like to give lovingly and receive thankfully, and as you do you will be more inspired and life will be so much more beautiful.

What are you the most grateful for in your life? What do you do to show your gratitude?

Equal Time for a Woman's Worldview

noreply@blogger.com (BYU Women's Services) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 18:00:00 +0000

I hope everyone had a fun and family-filled day of giving thanks and eating great food! If you’re avoiding the commercial world like I do every Black Friday, I hope you’ll also enjoy a few more thoughts about the inspiration for “Recapturing the Beauty of the Mind,” before we really get going, interviewing smarty-pants BYU women (which we’ll start doing next week, as soon as we’re done thanking and feasting!).

Last week I told you all a *little* about me, and mentioned that I got married in April. Well, I married me a law student who is the most fantastic combination of hunky, nerdy and cuddly I could possibly imagine. We’ve had some good discussions about women’s issues, and in one of them he pulled out some of the reading he had done on feminist legal theory for a class. I of course devoured it, and am now excited to share some of it with you.

But—wait a second. Yup, I said it. The F-word: feminist. So, am I a feminist? Actually, yeah, I think I am these days. I’m comfortable with the label because I’ve learned that there are tons of ways to define feminism. Yes, there were the bra-burning civil rights activists of the 60s, the shoulder-pad-touting working women of the 80s, breaking through glass ceilings in corporate ascent, and today there are feminists who continue to assert that distinctions between genders should be minimized, even eliminated. As members of the LDS church, we tend to react negatively to these images of feminism.

There are also feminists, however, who celebrate essential gender differences and support women in strengthening their voices in the world’s conversations. I spent a year teaching English in Russia, and learned about a strain of Russian feminism,

in which, after a century of Communism attempting to annihilate traditional family values, women asserted their right to stay home, raise their children, and cultivate the domestic arts. “There are feminists working in all disciplines… Feminists do not all think in the same way or even about the same kinds of problems,” asserts Leslie Bender[i].

An anecdote I read in one of my husband’s feminist legal theory articles perfectly illustrates my own current feminism. It has been on my mind nearly constantly since I read it, and has been a driving factor in “Recapturing the Beauty of the Mind.” A study that explored developmental conceptions of morality[ii] involved interviewing two 11-year-old children, boy and girl, with nearly identical social class and education. The children were both posed the following moral dilemma:

A man is considering whether or not to steal a drug that he cannot afford but that will save the life of his sick wife.

Jake, the boy in the study, positively asserts that the man should steal the drug. His analysis is that the dilemma is between values of life and property (obviously the woman’s life is worth more than the cost of the drug), that if the man is caught, “the judge would probably think it was the right thing to do,” and that, even if the man who stole goes to jail, at least his wife will be alive, and they can be reunited when he gets out of jail.

Amy, however, asserts both that the man must do everything he can to save his wife, but that he should not steal the drug. She sees the dilemma not as a math problem with humans, but as a problem of communication and relationships. Amy explains: “If [the man] and the druggist had talked it out long enough, they could reach something besides stealing.”

Do you see why this study puts the fire in my bones to support women’s research efforts? While Jake’s male brain successfully worked within the confines given him, Amy’s female one, with a relationship-orientation, was re-thinking the entire context of the problem, envisioning a world where successful communication led to strengthened relationships and solutions to perplexing problems.

Incidentally, Amy’s innovative solution scored as less developed, because the study equated development with a male world view.

This ought not to have been. And it ought not to be that women’s ways of thinking be confined to the private sphere of home life, exalted as we know that sphere to be. Beginning next Friday, I’m excited to introduce you to faithful women, dedicated to home and family, who are also contributing in their own distinct ways to the world’s knowledge. Stay tuned!

[i] Leslie Bender, “A Lawyer’s Primer on Feminist Theory and Tort,” Journal of Legal Education, 38 (1-2), 1988.

[ii] Carol Gilligan, In a Different Voice:Psychological Theory and Women’s Development. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1993.

An Attitude of Gratitude

noreply@blogger.com (administrator) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:20:00 +0000

With Thanksgiving Day tomorrow, I couldn't help but think about gratitude. I feel very blessed this year with lots of different things to be grateful for. What are you grateful for? As I was reflecting on what the definition of gratitude is, I came upon this..... Gratitude is being aware of and appreciating the blessings and kindness that is given to us. We can express it through sincere words of thanks and through actions that show our appreciation. An increased spirit of gratitude will bring increased joy into our lives. What are some ways in which we can express more gratitude? I thought about having a grateful journal, or writing a weekly blog post on what things I was grateful for throughout the week. This week I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to be a student at BYU and to be able to work with so many amazing professors and other students. I feel that all the knowledge that I have gained in my almost five years of college has been such an enriching experience. Even though the life of being a college student can be difficult, I still feel honored that I am able to work hard each day to achieve my academic goals. I guess overall I am grateful for knowledge.
There are several quotes that I love about gratitude. I had such a hard time deciding which one to use. I guess I'm grateful for the powerful influence of quotes. One quote that shed a new ray of light for me is one by Elder Robert D. Hales, who said, "We should never forget to thank Heavenly Father for the blessings, gifts, and talents He has given to us." He also taught: “We [should] express thankfulness for what happens, not only for the good things in life but also for the opposition and challenges of life that add to our experience and faith. We put our lives in His hands, realizing that all that transpires will be for our experience.”
I know that often I forget to be grateful in moments that are difficult, but I hope to heed to this counsel and try to have an attitude of gratitude. I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving and hope it is full of good food, quality family time and a time for reflection!

Taking a Risk

noreply@blogger.com (KO) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 15:37:00 +0000

Hello again! I realized after I wrote my post last week, that I neglected to introduce myself! My name is Kristin, and I’m one of the new interns here with Women’s Services. I come from American Fork, Utah and am currently majoring in dance. I served my mission in Chicago, Illinois, and while that’s about the farthest away from Utah I’ve ever been, I have great dreams of traveling the world. I couldn’t be more excited to be participating in the work that BYU Women’s Services does, because I have a strong belief that women have an inherent strength and beauty, and I love to share that knowledge with everyone I can!

I was very privileged to grow up in a loving family who always supported me in anything I decided to do. But I must confess, I’ve always been a little cautious (insert fraidy-cat here). My brothers would climb trees and go on adventures, and I wanted so much to be cool like them, but usually ended up being stuck in the tree because I was too afraid to jump down out of the tree. Risk for me was calculated, measured, and usually determined not to be worth the benefits. I was all about comfort and reliability.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve needed to face the fact that life demands us to take risks. One of my favorite mantras to repeat to myself is “You can either want less, or do more.” If I am to fully experience and enjoy this life that the Lord has given me, I must be willing to act. To jump in, to fall down sometimes, and to accept the risks that come with leaving my comfort zone.

We are definitely at a time in our lives where risk-taking is a large part of life. From applying to a difficult program, to going rock-climbing with friends, to eating those eggs in the fridge that you’re really not sure how old they are. (I’m just kidding. Please be wise with your food consumption…) But it can still become easy to stay in our comfort zone in one way or another. Maybe you struggle to speak up in class, maybe you want to learn to play the piano but don’t think you’d do well, maybe you’d really like to go sky-diving but you’re afraid of heights. Maybe you have a friend you’d like to share the gospel with, but you’re afraid of the outcome. Yet part of what makes life exciting, and good results so sweet, is the risk that's involved. You make great memories when you push yourself outside of your comfort zone, regardless of the outcome. This doesn’t mean that you won’t fail sometimes, that you won’t get hurt or disappointed. But success is so much greater when you can look back at all you overcame in order to accomplish something amazing. There is great power in finding the strength within yourself as you push forward with faith. And if nothing else, you’ll have great stories to tell!

Are you a risk taker or a comfort zone dweller? How do you overcome your fears when taking risks? Is there something that’s always scared you that you would like to try?

Asking for Help

noreply@blogger.com (Allison) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 13:52:00 +0000

Sometimes I need help. But I don’t like to let that show. I feel that in order to be the strong, independent and competent woman that I believe that I “should” be that it means that I shouldn’t need help from other people. Some days I might be hosting weary and discouraged or bitter and bratty inner dialogue as I struggle with schoolwork or loneliness or stress or busyness, but as soon as someone asks “How are you doing?” I automatically perk up and say “Fine! How are you?” Some days I even say “great” instead of “fine”, even though if I were to answer honestly I would be more likely to say “tired”, “lonely” or “overwhelmed”.

It used to be that every time a home or visiting teacher asked me if they can do anything for me, I would say, “Nope; nothing comes to mind. But thanks.” Sometimes that was true. But when it wasn’t I didn’t want to be honest. Asking for something seemed against the rules. Plus, they might figure out that I’m not invincible, or, even worse, that I’m imperfect. So I bust out my fake smile and recite the script of the self-reliant person I want them to see.

The problem is, these past two paragraphs reflect some ways that I have been deceived by some pretty damaging counterfeits. They reflect a misunderstanding of what it means to be strong, independent, competent and self-reliant. Somehow, I have been led to falsely believe that if I can’t and don’t always feel happy, and if I can’t always take care of things by myself, that it means that I’m weak. And somehow, I’ve been erroneously convinced that asking others for help means I’m not self-reliant or strong.

Well, just in case there are others who have similarly been deceived by these counterfeits, I wanted to set the record straight. It is possible to be strong and competent and to have bad days and to need help. And it is okay to ask for help. And turning to others for help does not disqualify a person from being self-reliant and independent.

In fact, the prophet Alma listed asking for help right alongside attributes such as submissiveness, patience, obedience and gratitude:

And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.

It is not only okay to ask for help, but we are told to ask for help. We are created with needs. There is value in working interdependently with others. Paul used the body as an analogy to show that there are many needed members in a working system: the hand, the foot, the eye, the ear. All parts are needed. We all have different needs, just as we all have different gifts that can help meet the needs of others. As we ask for help, we invite others to share their knowledge, their gifts, and themselves. Asking others for help helps others to grow and it helps us grow to love and appreciate others. The gifts and willingness of others to serve is often the means through which a loving Heavenly Father has provided us access to having needs met. Also, when we ask for help, we often receive it. And you deserve to be helped. And trust me, you’re worth it.

New Series!: Recapturing the Beauty of the Mind

noreply@blogger.com (BYU Women's Services) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 18:21:00 +0000

Hello Women's Services Readers!

My name is Monica and I'm very excited for the opportunity to join the blogging team here at BYU Women's Services! I'm also excited to introduce the new Friday series here at the Women's Services blog: Recapturing the Beauty of the Mind.

Before I tell you more about the series and the inspiration for it, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I received a Bachelor of Music in piano performance from BYU and I am currently finishing a master's degree in Choral Conducting. I married my best friend Michael last April, and he and I will both graduate this coming April. This year I received a grant to develop a vocal skills curriculum for the day-time section of BYU's non-audition choir, the University Chorale.

So, that’s the short version. But the truth is, my education has been an incredible journey of discovery, trial and self-definition. I remember reading an Ensign article last year that stated we can find our personal mission at the intersection of our personal gifts, our personal trials and challenges, and the world’s need. It has taken me a long time to find where those three roads connect, and I’m still searching. I spent a great deal of time travelling the personal challenges road during my college years, as I’ve dealt with a diagnosis of late-onset type 1 diabetes, among other challenges. But my higher education here at BYU has provided me with a way to develop my personal gifts and given me the means to investigate and understand some of the world’s needs.

One of the things that I think I’ve finally embraced as a gift… is the fact that I’m a HUGE nerd!

Well--why don't we say: intellectual. Yes, that's better.

I love knowledge. My happiest hours are spent in the library, searching, finding, reading, synthesizing knowledge. I actually think I’ve spent enough endorphin-producing hours in the library that my mood automatically lifts whenever I walk through the doors!

My love of learning being what it is, and being the Utah woman that I am, I was very interested to read this article by Olene Walker, former Governor of Utah and co-chair of the Utah Women's College Task Force. Walker points out that

"...As of 2009, [in Utah] women’s graduation rates are still more than six percentage points lower than their male counterparts (25.5 percent for Utah women versus 31.6 percent for Utah men) and two percentage points less than their national peers."

Now, it may be easy to look at those numbers and attribute them to the fact that college-age women in Utah get busy getting married and having children, and so in some cases don't finish college. Yeah, ok. But how about this statistic: Utah is 50th out of 50 states in the percentage of women with college degrees. Yikes, ladies. I totally understand that college isn’t for everyone, and I am convinced that many women and men find incredible ways to develop their minds without higher education. But higher education statistics are still a really good way to judge how we’re doing in this area.

Bill Sederburg, Utah's Commissioner of Higher Education, notes that women with degrees in higher education "tend to: give birth to healthier babies, have children who are healthier, be more confident, resilient and have improved reasoning and judgment, get more involved in the community and be involved in the political process, and are more likely to have children that are college graduates, among other benefits. Education is about more than making money."

For me, higher education has allowed me to investigate areas of knowledge that I wouldn’t have otherwise found, identify needs in the world that I wouldn’t otherwise have seen, and develop my talents to the extent that I have confidence in using them to do good work for the world.

So, Fridays here at Women’s Services, we’ll be interviewing BYU women who are doing interesting, excellent, important work in academia--as students and graduate students, faculty, staff, or in their chosen field as graduates of BYU. I also plan to interview women with degrees who are at home raising children, to see what their higher education has meant to them as homemakers.

I firmly believe that we need strong, educated, confident female voices to join the conversations seeking solutions to world problems, and I’m excited to share with you some of those voices! I also hope that reading their stories will encourage you to develop your gifts and dreams, cultivate your own personal mission, and find a voice to express it.

Join me in Recapturing the Beauty of the Mind!

A New Look At The Holiday Season

noreply@blogger.com (BYU Women's Services) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 22:48:00 +0000

The holiday season is full of great food, friends, family and activities. It is a busy time of year with lots of things to get done, and not enough time to finish everything in a timely manner. As we approach these exciting days ahead there are several things that we can do to make the holiday season less stressful and more enjoyable. First off, remember to enjoy the moment even if it seems extremely overwhelming.

Do you ever wish for more time in the day? I know I have. The only way I seem to be able to gain more time is to actually be more organized with my time. Second, we must plan ahead and use effective time management skills. If we know we have an event that we need to be to first then make that a top priority. As we realize what things are truly important and then decide what must be done first, then we might be able to eliminate some stress. Third, it is important to stay within a budget not only for Christmas gifts, but for your holiday food budget as well. There are some effective ways to prepare for Christmas time throughout the year. One option may be to set aside money each month that will be used for a future Christmas fund.

As you go through your busy days, remember to still do healthy habits each day to help keep your stress level down. One healthy habit that I would like to focus on it healthy holiday eating. In preparation for a big holiday feast, or party, it is highly recommended to not skip any meals because this could lead to overeating. You can still enjoy all the food, but try adding more fiber to your diet through eating fruits and vegetables and whole-grains.
Some great strategies are to use a smaller plate, begin filling your plate with vegetables and salad before going to the main dishes and desserts. As you eat slowly and savor every bite then this can help you have time to listen to your body and decide if you are really still hungry. After you're done eating, you might consider getting some physical activity, or going for a walk.

With all of these simple holiday tips in mind, I feel that I'm ready for the holiday season to begin. I hope that these simple tips will make your holidays a lot easier and less stressful.

Drawing Strength From Each Other

noreply@blogger.com (BYU Women's Services) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 20:16:00 +0000

I’ve been thinking lately about the fact that women need other women. Have you ever done really well on a test and you just couldn’t wait to tell your best friend? Have you ever had a terrible day, and all you want is to go out to ice cream with the girls and chat? Of course we gain strength from men as well, but there is something about our female relationships that can give strength and solace in a very unique way. One of the divinely inspired purposes for the Relief Society being formed was to create a place for women to support one another, to draw strength from each other, and to serve people together.

A study done by UCLA in 2002 showed that women seek out companionship from each other not just because we understand each other, but also for physiological reasons. In addition to the well-known fight-or-flight mechanism that we all have when under stress, women also respond with a “tend and befriend” reflex. This means that when worried about problems, women often have the instinct to care for others or to bond with other women; and when we do this chemicals are released in our brains that actually calm us and help us to deal with problems easier. The study showed that women who nurture their female friendships actually lead longer, healthier lives. Gale Berkowitz , a journalist reporting on the study stated, “In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight.” We need each other not only for emotional reasons, but for physical strength as well. (Check out UCLA’s study here: http://www.anapsid.org/cnd/gender/tendfend.html )

I think, however, our need for one another as women can become detrimental when we turn it into comparison and competition. Because we are so emotionally connected, it can become easy for us to worry too much about what other women think of us. We may start trying to impress one another rather than strengthen one another, or compete rather than comfort. We can, though, take these thoughts and emotions and turn them into an opportunity to love and respect one another, rather than to demean or outdo one another. When we see amazing strengths in other women, we can celebrate them. We can help others cultivate their abilities, talents, and strengths, and then we gain respect for ourselves as well as each other. We can bless, lift, and serve one another, and in so doing, we also benefit ourselves. As Brigham Young encouraged, “Daughter(s), use all your gifts to build up righteousness in the earth.”

I am so grateful for the women in my life who strengthen me. I have wonderful roommates who remember when I have a big day ahead of me, and will leave me a note on the mirror to encourage me. I have amazing friends I get to go to when I’m excited about a good date with a guy. I have a loving mother and sisters who talk me down when I’m over-stressing (yet again) about work or school. All of these women give me strength to be the best person I can. I admire and respect them. And I’m happy every time I get the opportunity to be there for them, too. Because we come to know ourselves when we lend our strength to others. And we become our best selves when we use the strength we have as women to contribute greatness to the lives of others.

What do you think? How can women redirect the urge to compare and compete to more uplifting ways of relating to other women? How do the women in your life give you strength?

Birthing Conference this Friday!

noreply@blogger.com (Bianca) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:36:00 +0000

This Friday, November 18th, we are hosting our annual Birthing Conference!

This event is open to the community and will be a day event between 9am and 3pm.

Speakers will talk on different subjects every hour. You are welcome to come to any of the speakers and to stay as long as you want.

For many of us, having a baby is in the far future, but it is important to be informed with the options that are available when that special time of life does come.

Our United Light

noreply@blogger.com (Whitney the Weirdy) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 01:14:00 +0000

Hey y’all, my name is Whitney and I’m one of the new interns for BYU WSR! I’m a sophomore studying pre-med and I was raised in sunny Seattle, Washington (that was a joke). Growing up there, I gained a love for green trees, great rock music, and, most of all, women equality. My goals in life are to eat authentic pizza in Naples, learn how to play the piano with both hands, and to make sure every woman I meet knows that they are loved. Seriously, we, as women, are fantastic individuals. And I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit for how wonderful we each truly are. And on that note, I’ll get into my topic.

Growing up in Seattle, every teenager knew the link between our mood changes and the weather forecast. During cloudy days (which occurred about 99% of the time), girls would reserve themselves to the bathrooms, fixing their hair from the cold and wet, while the boys would stare at their water-soaked shoes as they walked down the school hallways. Everyone formed their own solitary bubble. And even though we knew each other and were friends with one other, we all understood the contagious bad weather mentality that brought us into solitude. We understood it, but that didn’t mean we liked it.

When the city was full of sunshine, however, these same secluded kids would actually come of their shells and be happy campers. People would give compliments incessantly, mouths would smile and laugh rather than sink into unnatural straight lines, and, of course, the hormones of flirtatious teenagers would be singing in the sunlight. People would genuinely be happy. And all of it because of a little sunshine.

Ever think about how our moods determine our actions? I know when I’m having a rough day, I run for the nearest box of Scooby Doo fruit snacks, shove “Sleepless in Seattle” into my DVD player, and mummify myself in non-matching blankets until I can’t feel my feet. Some seek relief by eating food. Some seek it through the lack thereof. But our moods always affect our actions in some way or another. And that link can either be healthy or destructive.

How we choose to act when our days are stormy will determine how we feel when the sun peaks out from the clouds. Our relationship with ourselves will only grow as we seek to improve this link.

Just like how the Seattle rain made my friends reserved and shy, our stormy moods can isolate us from others who care about us. It’s easier to seek help and talk to others when the sun is shining; that is only natural. But we create an environment of love around us when we seek the light within the storm. And the best way to create our own light within our trials is when we bond with those who care about us. If we, as women, each sought light within our individual circumstances, our light would so shine that our communal bonds would overcome our singular problems and our storms would lose their strength. Too often we think that we’re the only ones with our problems. But that is only the bad weather mentality. If we simply seek to enhance each other’s light, our united strength can beat any cloudy day we can come across. If we do this, we can be genuinely happy. And all because of our united sunshine.

“I Am Beautiful Because…” BYU Library Display

noreply@blogger.com (brooke) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 17:53:00 +0000

I’m so thrilled to announce the display of the “I Am Beautiful Because…” photos in the library! Thank you for your support and input through this project; it has been incredible to see how photographs can affect people along with the powerful statements from the women who participated. I’m so grateful to know that I’ve made a difference in some small way.

You still have until December to check out the display on the second floor of the BYU library and write your thoughts!
Want to know more about the “I Am Beautiful Because…” project? See it all here.

The Power to Change Depends on Me

noreply@blogger.com (BYU Women's Services) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 22:10:00 +0000

As I reflect on how fast time is flying by this semester, I realized that there is one constant thing that is happening and that is CHANGE. It is through times of change that we grow the most. I want to share one of my favorite LDS Ceneral Conference talks that was given by President Thomas S. Monson in October 2008. He spoke about "finding joy in the journey" as we experience times of change. One of his main points was to remember to have gratitiude for the blessings that we possess. He said, "Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days-as much as we can-with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed." I hope that as this semester is coming to a close, may we all reflect on all of our blessings and find joy in moments that may seem difficult.

A 'Virtuous' Woman

noreply@blogger.com (administrator) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 21:38:00 +0000

A few weeks ago Lanae Valentine, the Director of Women’s Services and Resources, shared with us a definition of virtue that I had never heard before. She said that in a Hebrew definition, virtue meant being strong and capable. This new definition made me rethink so many scriptures and messages I had heard about women and what it means to be a good, or ‘virtuous’ woman.

“Strength and capability” gave me new insight to the scripture in D&C 46:33 that says “And ye must practice virtue and holiness before me continually”. To me, this means I have to practice being capable and strong. I can’t just assume strength and capability; I have to work towards it. Sometimes I have a really hard time convincing myself that I am capable of hard things, but this new definition reminds me that I need to practice trusting in the atonement to give me the strength and capability that I need to accomplish what God wants me to accomplish.

I’ve often had conflicting ideas about what it means to be a woman and what kind of woman I want to be, but strength and capability are characteristics that I will aspire to for the rest of my life.