What is it about holding onto those memories that make us squirm? Most people think of memory as a vault for storing information, however it is more like a tailor stitching together logical threads into a pattern that makes sense. Recent research looking at the accuracy of memories, suggests that the only true memories are those held by amnesiacs. Apparently each time we revisit a memory, we tweak it a bit. In this view, a positive memory separates what is useful from what could upset or distract us. Forgetting is therefore an important part of memory and thought which is critical to our emotional wellbeing. While revisiting bad memories may not be a formula for happiness, we may have a tendency to do this.

From this moment going forward, put a statute of limitations on your mistakes. Stop punishing yourself. Give yourself a deadline. According to Dr. Alan Zimmerman, you might even create a short script for yourself like, “After this date (specify), I will not put myself down or beat myself up for this mistake or that failure (specify). It’s done. It’s over. I refuse to spend any more energy ruminating about it.” Moreover, hold yourself accountable for doing it. The blame game is so de-energizing and once you release yourself from the fatiguing dance, your confidence will improve, oftentimes dramatically.

With respect to the question of forgiveness, a bolder step is posited by Stanford University consultant, Dr. Fred Luskin , author of the book, “Forgive for Good”. He says, “You can let go of a grudge you’ve held against someone even if you never see or speak to that person again. Forgiving takes place inside the person who has the change of heart, not the person who is forgiven.” He never suggests that the behavior was okay or that the offender gets a pass on their actions. Rather, it is about taking care of oneself and not being the person who takes poison and waits for the other person to die. In fact, in the act of forgiveness you are the person who has taken back their power.

The same truth applies to self-forgiveness. When you forgive yourself for past mistakes, you also free yourself from the attachment to them. It takes a conscious effort to change old patterns of behavior. However, when you can take even a small step towards shifting your thoughts from blame and hurt to self-healing and peace, you are achieving a new level of self-care. Greater self-knowledge begets greater self-confidence and an opportunity to give “self-punishment” a rest.

ACTION:
• Who do you need to forgive?
• Write the script?
• Speak it aloud as many times as you find necessary

1. According to current research, women now fill the majority of jobs in the US.
2. Bloomberg reports that women now fill 51.4% of professional and managerial positions.  Another study showed that 60% of all Masters Degrees are awarded to women.
3. Twenty-three percent of men don’t earn as much as their wives.  Single women between the ages of 22 and 30 earned 8% more than men in that age group in most American cities.
4. C Level moms are no longer remarkable.  In the IT sector, it became more common when we saw organizations like Hewlett-Packard, Xerox, EBay and Yahoo run by women who often had families as well as high level careers.  
5. Homes are now purchased twice as often by women than men.
6. Single motherhood is now frequently a conscious lifestyle choice worldwide. 
7. Futurist Faith Popcorn reports that a third of Japanese women in their 30s are unmarried.
8. Asians are leading the business trends toward more matriarchy with a third of Thailand’s CEOs being women and China showing 34% of all senior management positions as held by them.
9. Catalyst Organization reported in December 2011 that in the US those organizations with higher levels of gender diversity in the boardroom outperform companies with zero board women by 84% on sales, 60% on invested capital and 46% on return on equity.

Notice the trends:
• Which of the above describes you, your friends, colleagues and associates?
• What do you expect the impact to be on your career? Personal life?
• How will these trends affect your decisions going forward?

 ©2012 Maureen Weisner

Where is your edge?
What would you add to the list?

©2012 Maureen Weisner

• Do you dream of doing less and having more?
• Do you want to be more successful and less stressed?
• Do you want to be healthier or in better shape!
• Do you want more quality time with family and friends?
• What about a new job, more passion, more money and more FUN?

Dreams like these have a far better chance of survival than resolutions which are based on what you don’t want. Why? Your dreams and desires have more power than your doubts and dislikes.

There is a very different energy and joy when you are moving toward your dreams rather than when you are trying to “fix” something. For example, if your dream is to look and feel good, this energy is quite different than that applied to the drudgery of getting rid of weight by diet and exercise. In other words, developing a healthier and more powerful body will be easier than losing weight. Similarly, building a successful business is more exciting than getting rid of debt.

• Writing things down is far weightier than holding the ideas in your head
• Make a broad list
• Narrow it down to 3-5 goals that are really important to you
• Choose one!

So, if I don’t care about baseball currently, there must be some childhood memory of growing up around it and the importance of it in our culture. At that time Sandy Koufax was a legendary World Series MVP, an All Star and Cy Young Award winning…pitcher and NOT a hitter. With this talent, no one expected him to hit home runs, just make some contact and not get hurt in the process. In fact, a tongue-in-cheek assessment of his skills came from rival Whitey Ford who said, “I know Koufax’s weakness, he can’t hit!” As an all-time great, no one would ever think of him as a weak batter. His strengths as a pitcher, made his weaknesses as a hitter insignificant. Legendary business analyst Peter Drucker said it best:

“The effective executive…knows that one cannot build on weakness…To make strength productive is the unique purpose of organization. It cannot, of course, overcome the weaknesses with which each of us is abundantly endowed. But it can make them irrelevant.”

Weakness is not a “dirty” word and we all have weaknesses. Even if you are good at something you hate to do, it can still sap your energy. Don’t dwell on what you’re not good at or obsess over how to “fix” it. You’ll probably never get to a high level of performance around these areas regardless. Workplace research data taken over decades bears this out. People who play to their strengths daily are much more engaged, less likely to quit and much more likely to contribute to high performing teams. Should you ignore your weaknesses and only focus on your strengths? Think of the tri-athlete whose strength is not swimming but who bikes like the wind. She will focus on learning the most efficient way to manage the swim component because it is an integral part of her overall time. Since biking is her strength and she probably enjoys it the most, she can also train harder on improving her technique or even purchasing new equipment for the event. Who knows that with positive attention to managing/improving her perceived weakness, it could become a strength!

• List 10 things you are good at
• List 1 area you would like to improve

©2011 Maureen Weisner, All Rights Reserved

I was recently reminded of the overused but simple to understand example of how we would be best served by listening and asking the relevant questions before we are embroiled in a tug-of-war battle. One updated version of the “orange story” is as follows:

“There was once only one orange left in a kitchen and two prominent chefs were fighting over it. Time was running out and they both needed an orange to finish their particular recipes for the President’s dinner. They decided on a compromise by splitting the orange in half and retreating to their respective corners to complete the meal preparation. One chef squeezed his half into the special sauce he was making. It was not quite enough but it would have to do. The other grated the peel into the batter for his famous cake. It too was not quite enough but it would have to do. Neither was fully satisfied.”

An improved solution may seem obvious to you now: both chefs would have been better off had they peeled the orange and taken the part they needed. Instead, each had focused on each other’s position (the what) and not on each other’s interest (the why).

What you focus on will affect the outcome of any negotiation. It is always good to ask yourself why you want what you want. This will help you get a better understanding of what your real goals are and could also open up better results for you.

We are always negotiating in the course of a day over issues and things both large and small.
• Step back and listen
• WHY do want what you want?
• WHAT does the other person want?
• How can you both be satisfied?
• Remember the orange!

©2011 Maureen Weisner

Far from the ennui accompanying paralysis end of the spectrum live the other extremes; change that is beyond our control or change simply for the sake of change. Living with the unknown can create severe anxiety and stress. If you have ever had major home renovations, you may have memories of endless delays and unexpected drama,and these are relatively minor inconveniences.  Human beings need constancy although not the kind that keeps us interminably stuck or on a treadmill to a hellish sameness because we are so fearful of the unknown. These touchstones are important for self-regulation and can support us with a stronger platform for transformative change.

Moving from the cerebral to the very real places and spaces we inhabit, consider the day-to-day demands which we become accustomed to handling but can easily affect our overall well-being if we are not vigilant. From this perspective, comfort zones can take on another highly positive meaning. Ensuring that there is a place to relax, a soft place to recuperate at the end of the day can support both the physical and emotional space to decompress. In taking care of yourself by providing a comfort zone that is tangible, you also give yourself a greater opportunity to recharge, reassess and even re-examine those emotional comfort zones that may be holding you back.

Close your eyes and imagine your landing pad?
• Assess your living space for privacy
• Try out different rooms, basement, garage or outdoor patio
• What can you easily modify to suit your needs?
• Select and relax!

©2011 Maureen Weisner

We have beaten up the notion of having dreams as airy and unrealistic even harkening back to the entertainment field and the image of trying out for the chorus line in a Broadway musical. How many times does the passionate ingénue have her hopes dashed by another unwarranted rejection? Is her path the same as the one travelled by other more or less talented individuals, or is the path uniquely her own? Will she persevere? Will she realize her dream?

 Goals ARE Dreams with a deadline!

The typical process of goal setting can send some of us into a frenzy, but there are multiple ways to approach this before you abandon it altogether. You may have the dream of running a marathon, losing weight or buying a house as examples. While having the dream is special in and of itself, the act of fulfilling that dream comes from more than just wishing it to be true. The more specific you can be, the better. “Losing 10 lbs.” is different than “losing some weight,” because it gives you a clear idea of what success looks like. Knowing exactly what you want keeps you motivated until you get there. Add a visual representation to reinforce the image of your stated goal and think about the specific actions that need to be taken in order to reach your objective. Vague directives like “sleeping more” or “eating less” are uninspiring and weak. You need to be clear and precise. “On weeknights I will be in bed by 10PM,” sets up a simple reference and behavior that will support you in achieving your expressed purpose of getting more sleep which is one component of your dream to lose weight. Keep the message to yourself simple and it becomes locked in. It is easier to plan your evening activities accordingly so that bedtime becomes more consistent and the dream of losing weight is closer to becoming a reality. Keep a daily log as reinforcement.

Dream BIG or small, but dream. This is your opportunity to choose.
• Make a list of 5 dreams
• Select 1 dream that makes your heart sing
• Choose 1 action that can take you closer to your goal
• Do it!

©2011 Maureen Weisner

                                Rule maker or rule breaker? Which one are you?

According to Barbara Apple Sullivan, CEO of a NYC strategies and communications firm, rule breaking for women is essential for their business success. She is an inveterate coupon clipper and can accurately predict whether an outdated coupon will be accepted by a cashier. Invariably male cashiers will take the coupons while their female counterparts will not. In her many years of experience as a manager, Ms. Sullivan states that, “Women take action according to the letter of the law, while men are more inclined to flout rules to be true to the spirit of the law. Women are rule followers and perfectionists. They want to be right.” Furthermore, she goes on to state that, “Women dot I’s and cross T’s, but that is not always the way to win a war that’s being fought in a world of masculine values.”

How accurate is this anecdotal research on the part of Ms. Sullivan? Is it sexist, harsh, or exactly what you know to be true?  When I read her “theory”, my first inclination was to reject it as a silly premise, but then I began to do a rapid review of people with whom I have worked over the years. Age has a lot to do with it, and of course, the position held by the person making the determination, but overall, more than not, I would have to agree with the gender behavior she describes. In fact, even reflecting back on my own responses, I know that I have made determinations based on adherence to rules and/or guidelines. Were they set in stone? What was the purpose and potential impact? There was no circumstance where anarchy was in the offing, but too often, adhering strictly to them was pre-programmed on my part. On the other hand, when confronted with rules that affect me, I am most inclined to evaluate their relevance and proceed to make my own decision.

Overall, sexist generalizations or not, women who want to be leaders may best begin by recognizing that sometimes it is not only OK to bend or break the rules, it is critical to your professional success!

• Are you a rule maker or rule breaker?
• Recall a recent event that could have had a different result
• What’s one “rule” you can bend or break without affecting others adversely?
• Do it!

©2011 Maureen Weisner

“There are many types of meditation; you can go to retreats, classes, or group meditation sessions.You can also meditate on your own.The most practical and effective type of meditation... is done on your own and in the privacy of your own home.

You can choose from two different routes. You can use a guided meditation technique where you listen to CDs and podcasts of experts leading you through meditation. Or you can meditate on your own, and you do not need a diploma from a yoga school or an approval from a Buddhist temple, I assure you.

No prior experience is needed to follow these instructions. You only need to be willing.
• Decide to do it- Tell yourself you are willing to give this a fair shake. Nothing happens without a mental commitment.
• Find a time and a space in your home that is comfortable, inviting, and quiet. That means no pets, no children, no partners or spouses. The good news is that you can even use your closet, so no excuses either!
• Sit on the floor or on a cushion- Sit crossed legged but be sure that you are comfortable and if need be, have your back supported by a wall for a tall spine. Meditating on the floor has an impact that cannot be replicated on other surfaces because when seated on the floor – or on your cushion – you have a physical connection with Mother Earth. The simplicity of this act combined with a straight spine does wonders for your mind.
• Put your hands on your lap- Be relaxed and receptive. When you know what to do with your hands, it immediately helps you to relax.
• Choose a mantra -This is a phrase that you keep repeating to yourself during meditation. It can be a question you ask, a problem you want to solve, or a mental block you wish to release. The answers will come to you.
• Close your eyes and begin breathing - Let the meditation start. Tune into the silence. Let your thoughts come and neither reject nor acknowledge them. Repeat your mantra over and over. Just listen. Stay as little as 5 minutes or as long as 30 minutes. When you are finished, slowly come out by opening your eyes, rubbing your hands together, and sitting another minute or two before getting up.

Forgive yourself when you slip!

Nothing works if you do it only once, or sometimes even ten times.

Meditation is a practice and you need to develop a habit around it. Habits are built over time, and with consistency. When you sit still for 5 minutes every day for a week, you have a start. When you sit still for 10 minutes every day for a month, you have momentum."

When you feel compelled to meditate and to tune into the solitude, then you have a strong habit.

This is all great but we are human beings. You will slip here and there. You will miss a day now and again, so remember what makes or breaks the return to meditation: forgiving yourself instantly for those times when you slip,  just let it go, and then pick it back up the following day.”