ST. LOUIS – Future hall of famer and part-time player manager Albert Pujols today explained the bizarre hit-and-run play during Game Five of the World Series in which the runner (slow-footed Allen Craig) ran, but the hitter-manager (Albert Pujols) didn’t even swing).

“The guy was a distraction for me down there on first base,” Pujols told reporters at the team’s daily media briefing today. “I wanted him gone because I couldn’t concentrate on hitting the ball out the stadium with him pestering me out of the corner of my eye.

“If I were a left-handed hitter, man, he’s still be there, or I mean he would have still been there when I hit the game-tying home run, but I’m a right hander. Not going to apologize about that.”

When asked directly if he had called the hit and run with the intent to not swing so Craig would be eliminated from first base, Pujols replied, “Him looming down at first base … it was awful. It was worse than having a splinter in your eye that you can’t get out. Yes … or maybe he’d steal the base, but then I’d have to put it on again to get him out of my sight.”

Craig has stolen five bases in his career.

After receiving the hit-and-run order from Pujols, which, according to Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, was transmitted via “buttocks – Albert touches his buttocks in a particular order to put it on,” Craig dutifully lumbered into action on the base path when the pitcher began his windup, only to watch Pujols impassively watch the pitch sail by.  

Rangers catcher Mike Napoli threw him out by several feet after pausing to tweet “watch this” to his followers.

Pujols was then intentionally walked.

“Dang, they walked me, so I didn’t even get to take a swing after getting rid of Craig,” said Pujols. “I guess that’s why Tony gets the really big bucks – he can think more than one move ahead.”

La Russa refused to criticize Pujols hit-and-take play – sort of. “Albert’s special. He’s a special guy, special ballplayer. He’s in the circle – the inside circle. He’s going to the Hall of Fame. He’s earned it, ok? He’s earned it. I have confidence in him. He’s earned the right to test that confidence by calling a hit and run and then not hitting, so we have a new play now, the take-and-run.”

“I’m just glad I didn’t call it – I thought I might have accidentally called it when I picked my nose before that at bat, but I didn’t. It was all on Albert, who is a great player.”

Fecal Harpy, a spokeswoman for former Vice President Dick Cheney, said Obama’s decision to release the memos had forced Cheney and other members of the Bush administration to counter with their own disclosures of sensitive information. Cheney was a tireless advocate of waterboarding in the aftermath of 9-11.

“We hate to do this, because we respect HIPAA, but we feel we have no choice. What we can confirm today is that yes, Khalid was waterboarded 183 times but no, this was not simply the vicious indulgence of the understandable urge to torture the man responsible for 9-11. Khalid had a horrible case of head lice when he entered our custody – the worst we’d ever seen – and he had awful dandruff, too. He urgently needed treatment.”

HIPAA is the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, which protects the privacy of patient information.

"Many tens of billions" of head lice made a home in the terrorist's hair, according to the CIA

“When anyone becomes a prisoner of the United States – domestic or otherwise – his or her health care becomes the responsibility of our government,” Harpy continued. “In Khalid’s case, his head lice was so bad, we were concerned about blood loss. He had lots of hair, which gives the lice countless places to hide, but it was still our obligation to do our best to ease his suffering.”

Vance Icehorse, a former CIA officer, confirmed Harpy’s account. “We mixed in several medicinal shampoos with the water that we applied during his waterboardings,” he said. “In exchange for his free head lice and dandruff treatment, he seemed suddenly willing to offer up strategic information about the Al Qaeda network.”

Icehorse said that even after 150 treatments, Mohammed was still plagued by head lice, although the dandruff had subsided. “Much like the Al Qaeda hosts they snack on, this strain of head lice become deeply entrenched and difficult to root out, but we were determined to continue the treatment until he was fully cured,” he said.

“As it turns out, it took 183 sessions, but Khalid now has the cleanest hair of anyone in the custody of the U.S. Justice System, and that’s not something he could say when we initially acquired him.”

Waterboarding is a controversial interrogation technique in which water is poured over a subject’s plastic- or cloth-wrapped face to simulate drowning. It has been used to wrest information – real and imagined – from prisoners since at least the time of the Inquisition.

When asked why the CIA didn’t simply shave Mohammed’s head to treat the virulent head lice, Icehorse said, “We did make that option available to him, but the lice were so bad we would have had to scalp him, so he chose to go the waterboarding route. Who would have thought it would have taken so many applications?”

Originally posted 2009-04-20 18:40:27. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

When asked to comment, God declined an interview, and instead chose to communicate His Message directly to the writer via divine inspiration. This is The Word of God:

“Don’t get fooled by Kurt’s understatement. Every five minutes, he’s in my ear! Between him and every other evangelist, I never have any time to get anything done around here.

“Ever wonder what I do after that 7th day – when I rest? I sit around all day and listen to people begging for every petty little triviality they can think of. Is it really MY problem who wins a football game? Thank ME that at least John Kitna’s done for the season. That alone gives me enough free time that at least I can work in the occasional game of squash.

“I’d love to do something about The Middle East, but I can’t get a spare minute, what with all the requests to win. Does Kurt think his prayers are more powerful then Troy Polomalu’s? It’s gotten bad enough that I’m tempted to send the Archangel Michael – you know, the protector of the Earth – back down to personally visit Kurt and tell him to please, for the love of Me, just give it a rest already. Have you forgotten my words that quickly? In Matthew 6:5-6, I said:

“I hate to admit this, but if you want to win a Super Bowl, you’re really better off going down to Lucifer for help. He’s a much bigger sports fan then I am. Truth be told, he’s been known to meddle in the game sometimes, too. Just ask Deion Sanders.

Although Kurt Warner apparently has a hotline to the Lord, he is apparently considered a prank caller.

“And while we’re on the subject, everybody wants to ask about the weather problems down in Hades (Of course I know that you want to ask – I’m God, I know all, remember?) It’s frozen. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I’m laughing about it. They’re laughing about it down there, too. They call it “Rest Break.” It actually happens more than you might think.

“It happened last October, when The Phillies won The Series. It happened on Election Day. It happened when another car dealer really did beat the unbeatable prices of James Chevrolet in Bala Cynwyd, PA. It’s not really as uncommon as you might think.

“Give Kurt credit, though. I deliberately gave him that wife, Brenda, as a test. I wanted to see how strong his faith was, and putting up with her, well, let’s just say that even Job would have struggled with such an ordeal. Kurt got his earthly rewards for that in 1999, though.

“I intended that to suffice until I resurrect him on the last day. If you want the truth, none of this is actually My Plan. In all honesty (like I’d lie!), I was sitting in on a jam with the Pearly Gates House Band; most of it anyway. It’s a little known fact that I love playing the sax. Jim Morrison, Cliff Burton, and John Bonham were there, but Jimi Hendrix was playing golf, so Stevie Ray Vaughan filled in on guitar for him.

“They were working on showing Billy Powell the songs.  We finally got a keyboard player. Anyway, we were all grooving to this righteous jam, all the while tripping balls on this killer hash I made when Kurt started praying again. I was so wasted – and believe me, it takes a LOT to get me wasted – that I forgot Kurt wasn’t on the Rams anymore. So I granted his prayer, made the ref ignore the pass interference at the end of the Eagles game, and now look at this mess.”

### end of transcript ###

Originally posted 2009-01-30 16:06:20. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“We have a firefighter with us over here today.  Let me, if I can, just interrupt for one second.  Now, let everybody look at you.  This is Jesse Graves, everybody, and he’s here fighting the blaze.  What a piece of man candy he is, right?  Can we get a quick word with you Jesse?”

GRAVES: “Uh, I’m kinda busy with this hose.”

ROKER: “We’ll try to get back to Jesse.  Maybe in the meantime, we can show you the hose.  Wait ‘till you see what comes out of there.  Water!  High pressure water just shooting all over that house.  Doesn’t it look like a giant spray can of whipped cream shooting all over a strawberry-rhubarb pie?  And who doesn’t like pie?  I know I could go for a nice slice of pie just as soon as I’m done here.  Maybe two!

“Wait.  What’s this?  I’m told we have the owner of the house available to speak with us over here.

“This is Vernon Pike, everybody, and he owns the house which they’re currently dousing with large amounts of water.  I guess the first question everybody has, Vernon, is how does it feel, having your house burn down in the wildfires?”

PIKE: “It’s a terrible feeling, Al.”

ROKER: “Terrible?”

PIKE:  “Yup.”

ROKER: “Uh, You have insurance, though, right?”

PIKE: “Nope.  Insurance comp’ny’s ‘r jest evil.  I don’t do business with ‘em.  Profit-mongers.”

ROKER: “So, Vernon, what are you going to do?”

PIKE: “I got me a truck an’ some salt pork an’ a rifle.  I’m gonna be OK.”

ROKER: “There you have it, folks.  A real, honest, man’s man.  But I have to ask, Vernon, what are you doing here?  The government issued an evacuation order.  Why didn’t you evacuate with all your neighbors?”

PIKE: “No gub’ment gonna tell me where to go.  Way I reckon it, if’n I leave, Obama’ll just take my house while I’m gone.  I ain’t exactly figured out how, but he’d do it if’n you give him half a minute.  He’d just take my house and give it to some border-jumper, let him.  And probably ain’t got no job at that.  All them gub’ment folks are all sneaky like that.  Watch ‘em.  Gub’ment prob’ly set these here fires just to clear out some decent honest folk an’ steal their land from ‘em.”

ROKER:  “That’s the longest speech you’ve ever given in your life, isn’t it?”

PIKE:  [spits]

ROKER: “None of us can worry about that, though, because it’s not something we can control.  What we can control is what we do in each of our own hometowns.  To that end, that’s what’s going on in the country, now here’s what’s happening in your neck of the woods.”

Originally posted 2009-09-15 19:52:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Specter's recently updated U.S. Senate photo

In the course of his long political career, Sen. Arlen Specter has been a Democrat, then a Republican, and most recently, a Democrat again. Now, having lost the Democratic party primary in the Pennsylvania senate race, Specter has announced he is changing parties once again, this time to the New Black Panther Party.

“It appears that the white race has deserted me,” said Specter, who appeared in black-face yesterday in front of the New Black Panther Party headquarters in Dallas, Texas. “But the good news is, I have found a new home where I truly belong. And it is here with my bruthas,” said Specter, who then assumed the classic rap pose of folded arms, pouting lips, and a down-the-nose glare at the assembled press.

Malik Zulu Shabazz, Chairman of the NBPP, was also in attendance. “We welcome our newest member to the righteous cause of freeing our enslaved black people from the bonds of tyranny,” said Shabazz while introducing the newly browned Specter. “He understands the plight of the disinfranchised opportunist, and to that we can relate. Plus, he’s got a lot of campaign cash left over.”

Specter appeared at the conference flanked on each side of the podium by NBPP commandos dressed in the iconic NBPP attire of black beret, sunglasses, camouflaged pants, and malignant expressions. “For far too long I, and my black bruthas, have endured the chains of oppression, aggression, and repression foisted upon us by the greedy white man,” said Specter, while Shabazz nodded approvingly at the well-delivered afro-centric consonance. “And for far too long I have been forced to choose between either getting elected, or instead courageously adhering to a coherent and steady moral philosophy even in spite of negative polling data,” he said.  “But in the New Black Panther Party I have found a place where the notions of rational argument and defensible philosophy are shunned in favor of reflexive over-emotional rhetoric and whatever-it-takes power-grabbing. I fit right in.”

One reporter asked Shabazz during a Q&A why NBPP was endorsing a white man, but immediately received a pistol whip to the back of the head from one of the NBPP henchman for his trouble. “What are you talking about, cracker? Can’t you see he’s a black man?” No further questions were asked by attending press members.

However, it appears that not all black leaders are pleased with Specter’s switch. “It’s disgraceful, he’s nothing but an Uncle Tom,” said black activist and former presidential candidate, Al Sharpton, yesterday. “He may be black, but he ain’t on the side of the black man. In fact, he’s miscegenatin’ with a white woman! And I think it’s Sarah Palin!” In a possibly related occurrence, Sharpton later that night was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital after being pistol-whipped in the head. Police have not identified any suspects, but believe the injury was inflicted by a NBPP henchman, or possibly Sarah Palin.

Specter’s immediate political plans are murky, but he hinted that a presidential run is not out of the question. “This country needs a black president. And it’s high time it got one,” he said. “And don’t talk to me about what’s-his-name. He don’t count. Can’t grow up in Hawaii and Indonesia and call ya self a black man. Gotta know the ‘hood. Like me, ’cause I fought for my bread in the mean streets of Wichita. I wasn’t pickin’ pineapples on some beach.”

Whether Specter’s new allegiance pans out, only time will tell. But at least one person thinks the politician has finally jumped the shark. “It’s crazy, whoring yourself out to any group that will have you just to advance your career, no matter the extent to which it compromises your integrity, or hurts your family,” said famous reality mom, Kate Gosslin. “It’s disgusting.”

UPDATE!

Early this morning, an NBPP spokesman disclosed that the organization has learned that Specter is Jewish. Coincidentally, Specter has been missing since mid-morning when he departed in his car for a NBPP fundraiser, at which he reportedly never arrived. Specter’s family states that at around 10:00 a.m. he left in his car, a newly-purchased 1974 Cadillac Seville with 4-inch white walls and a vanity plate that reads “FITE Y-T”. Authorities have asked anyone with information on Specter’s whereabouts to contact their local police.

Developing . . .

Originally posted 2010-06-04 10:07:13. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Well, almost.

Teen schlock flick factory Lionsgate has optioned the rights to the story with a projected release date set for fall of this year.

Desert island dilemma? Or easy excuse for suicide? You decide.

The movie, tentatively titled He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not is being billed as a dark comedy/horror feature and will focus on a heartbroken cheerleader’s revenge against her ex-boyfriend – the high school quarterback – after discovering that he – gasp – loves another girl.

The film is set to star Juno’s Ellen Page as the unstable cheerleader who snaps and High School Musical heartthrob Zac Efron as the heart-breaking quarterback. No word yet as to who will play his newfound love.

Writer/director Gosh Dreck, 39, describes the film as “a look into the dark side of the true-to-life vapid youth stereotype soul.”

“I mean, seriously, those three jokers on that show are supposed to be adults. But this puerile blubberfest shows how spoiled, stupid and useless today’s 18-34 year old’s really are. God forbid they ever breed!” Dreck added.

No tearjerkers here, unless you’re Melissa Rycroft. Sniffle.

Originally posted 2009-03-05 13:51:50. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

According to the disputed official reports, the dog’s owner claims that the fawn sneaked into his backyard and rushed the barking dog, named Bobby-Lee.  William Hill, the owner, hollered and reached for his shotgun to fend off the attacking deer.  The weapon failed to discharge, apparently due to Hill’s “forgetting to release the safety in all that excitement,” and the deer proceeded to trample the dog, killing it.

Bobby-Lee, shortly after the attack.

At that point Hill called the police, who referred the matter to the Kentucky Department of Natural Resources, Fishin’, Huntin’ & Killin’ (KDNRFHK).  KDNRFHK Conservation Officer G. Thaxton Showalter says the attack “was an isolated incident.  This sorta thing is rare.  It ain’t likely gonna happen again.”  He further restated the claim that the doe probably showed hostility to protect its newborn fawn.

However, further investigation revealed holes in the story.  Deer tend to give birth in April and May.  By June, a fawn would no longer be newborn and would likely not require that level of protection from its mother.  Also, an anonymous tip revealed that the safety could not have been released as the shotgun, a Springfield M6 Scout, does not have a safety in the first place.

So what caused the deer to attack?  Why is the Kentucky Government covering it up?  Since when does a Kentuckian not know how to fire a shotgun?

In truth, as it turns out, Bobby-Lee could talk.  Such a shocking development seems unbelievable at first, yet now it can be revealed that the dog either escaped or possibly was stolen from a top secret Government installation at Fort Campbell, where a nameless, ultra-secret government agency breeds literate dogs for espionage purposes.

Since when does a Kentuckian not no how to fire a shotgun?

It all went wrong in this case because Bobby-Lee learned his vocabulary in the Hill double-wide instead of at Fort Campbell.  The Hills are a much lower-class breed then Bobby-Lee.  Ignorantly, they raised the pup on a steady diet of COPS, Jackass, The View and Entertainment Tonight, stunting its poor mind and reinforcing substandard behavior patterns.  Allegedly, Bobby-Lee even lapped Schlitz™ Beer from his water bowl and could be found gazing at the cover of People™ magazine, as if he could read.  Despite such obstacles, Bobby-Lee still learned to speak, but grew up into a full-grown (but hardly mature) Gossip Hound.  Other dogs in the program could both speak and read, but neither of the Hill’s possessed the literacy to teach Bobby-Lee any reading skills.  Typical for the sort of failures who watch such trash TV, Bobby-Lee had nothing of value to say, and never learned how to just shut the hell up already.

Perhaps William Hill and his old lady didn’t know any better than to constantly have that crap on TV all the time?  The doe, however, certainly knew better.  With the help of an expert tracker, this reporter traced the deer’s path deep into the Daniel Boone National Forest, where the deer once crossed paths with Chuck Norris.  Apparently inspired by the brief encounter, she became born-again hard-core.  Given the circumstances, it’s easy to understand why she wouldn’t tolerate any such crap from Bobby-Lee and instead opted, through sheer savage badassery, to establish a permanent solution to the problem.

Poor Bobby-Lee never stood a chance against the Norris protégé.  The dog proved all bark, no bite.

The Deer was profoundly influenced by Chuck Norris - and his dentist.

When asked to comment, the deer chose not to speak.  Likely, it not only can’t speak, but learned from Chuck Norris that actions speak louder than words.  Instead of commenting, she planted a well-placed hoof in the backside of the reporter for being so stupid as to ask a deer to talk in the first place.

Representatives for Fort Campbell, the United States Army, the Kentucky State Police, and the KDNRFHK declined all knowledge of talking animals.

Originally posted 2009-06-19 13:23:15. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Although the survey covered only 97 men, researchers were confident in the sample size thanks to long-standing suspicions that being morbidly obese was not helpful to prospective philanderers and possibly even a hindrance.

“‘Morbid’ means dead,” said Smaller Malady, MD, FACS. “If you’re dead, you can’t have sex.”

“Or,” he clarified, “I should say, you can’t initiate sex.”

But the survey revealed that the connection is not only explained by the blatantly obvious but by the ordinarily obvious – and sinister – as well.

According to Dr. Malady, careful analysis of the data, which he said had been subjected to peer review “by scientist and non-scientist alike,” revealed a number of explanatory factors.

Studies have consistently shown that fat acts as a drag on sexual performance

“It seems if one cannot locate his own reproductive organs, one is less likely to successfully initiate a sexual event with another person, or, at the least, have less confidence in their ability to do so,” he said.

The survey also revealed a more troubling link between weight loss among the morbidly obese and newfound sexual prowess: “Several morbidly obese men indicated weight loss enabled them to keep apace with and eventually overtake quarry during hostile sexual encounters,” noted Malady. “In the past, such efforts usually ended in frustration, tachycardia and, far too often, a trip to urgent care. With weight loss, there is a marked improvement not only in capture rates, but in the subsequent performance.”

Participants in the survey all benefitted from their rapid weight losses via gastric bypass surgery, which likely accounts for the dramatic turnaround in their rutting skills, Malady said. As a result, Malady may propose a two-in-one surgical procedure in the future.

“While we’re performing the gastric bypass, we could easily enhance the patient’s [reproductive organ] with some of the fat we vacuum out of the bowels. Not only would the patient awake a much thinner, healthier man, he’d also find himself with a significantly enhanced member.”

Originally posted 2009-01-05 18:45:38. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The employee remains anonymous, but Joseph Marchese, a spokesperson for CMBT, confirmed they found a body and that it is believed to be Hoffa.

Teamster President Jimmy Hoffa Gets The Concrete Shoes

“People were complaining about the smell for years,” Marchese explained. “Finally, the new manager told an intern to clean up the detritus of his lazy coworkers. You have to admire the kid’s diligence. He actually rolled up his sleeves and tried to do it.”

Marchese remained vague about exactly how long it had been since the refrigerator – located in the Accounting Department – had been cleaned, explaining that the firm would not know until the results of the carbon-dating came back from a local lab. Other sources, however, were willing to comment anonymously.

“I watched the kid work,” said a woman in Accounting, “he spent hours digging stuff out of there. He even threw out the ‘mystery pack.’”

“It was like peeling back a time capsule,” said another employee, “I know I saw a can of Fresca™ and an ‘Alf™’ lunchbox in there a few weeks ago. I think he actually discovered the body behind some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter™ and a bag of leftover Arthur Treachers Fish and Chips™.”

An internal memo leaked by a source in Human Resources indicated that absenteeism in that area was 74% higher than in the rest of the Accounting Department. Several employees indicated that the stench permeated the cubicles throughout the area. Apparently, for years the funk had affected the taste of any food placed inside. One employee said that the rot actually left a rough texture on the walls in the kitchen area. Another employee simply stated that “Scooby Doo woudn’t even eat any of the crap left in there.”

The Mystery Pack, part of the detritus of his lazy coworkers.

Many theories abound as to what happened to Hoffa. For years, many believed that mobster “Mad Dog” Sullivan sealed him in an oil drum and buried him in Giants Stadium in New Jersey. In 1997, DNA evidence even placed Hoffa in the vehicle of long-time Teamster associate Charles “Chuckie” O’Brien. However, no indictments ever came from this, apparently because the DA’s six-year-old son asked why O’Brien – or anyone else – would drive from Michigan to New Jersey with the body rather than disposing of it locally.

Rumors that the DA’s son and the intern who cleaned the refrigerator are the same person are unsubstantiated at this time.

So how did Hoffa end up in the CMBT refrigerator? Perhaps that mystery will replace that of his disappearance. Clearly, whoever thought that “nobody will ever look in there” was right.

Originally posted 2009-09-24 13:54:58. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Now, barely a month later and on the first day of the New Year, the list has been revised, with the government suggesting alternate courses of action for the first time ever. The unprecedented move is being taken in light of rapidly deteriorating economic conditions.

“Maintaining the list was always a hilarious waste of taxpayer money,” admitted Jail M. Swim, acting administrator of U.S. General Services Administration, which oversees the list. “After all, the list was always a reflection of pie-in-the sky wistfulness more than any serious acknowledgement of personal responsibility.”

But Swim insisted the continuing economic crisis demanded action in unconventional quarters. “We think we have an opportunity to catch some folks’ attention to very pressing needs in the New Year,” he said.

While underlying economic conditions are nowhere near as critical as the public’s perception of them, Swim said the government had abandoned any hope of reversing the effects of the 24-hour doomsday media cycle, in which pundits, self-anointed experts and social-media mavens incessantly admonish each other and the general public to prepare for the “Great Depression of Ought Nine.”

“It has a lemming-like affect,” he said. Once the stampede toward the cliff has started, it’s very difficult to reverse. The resulting disaster is just as real as one that was begun organically rather than through hyped-up, self-feeding and ignorant paranoia. At this point, we have no choice but to treat the effect, and give up on the cause.”

One of those steps, he said, was encouraging more personal responsibility. “We want to encourage people to take ownership, where they can, in the problems they will face in the upcoming Depression.” [editor’s note, capitalizing “Depression” is an important aspect in the 24-hour doomsday media cycle’s toolkit]

“We want to augment whimsical New Year’s Resolutions, which no one ever follows through on anyway, and make them into realistic suggestions and action items for the tough times that lie ahead.”

The following table contains the original resolutions and the government’s updated recommendations.

Originally posted 2009-01-01 15:26:33. Republished by Blog Post Promoter