So, a while back, I started to troll on Mastodon’s forum. Most of the time, I really don’t have that much to contribute to the conversation, but I like to keep a watch on potential collectibles for sale, etc, etc.

A while back, a kid posted a thread about how he was done seeing Mastodon live. Essentially (and I’m totally paraphrasing here), he was tired of the band not looking like they cared when they played live in his home town and how he thought that they didn’t play like they did on their albums.

Now, being a musician who’s taken the stage and sat in the studio, this got me going. So much so, that I actually posted a comment back on the thread.

I believe my bullet points were as follows:
1. He, like most of the folks on the board, would never have a chance to play on stage or tour.
2. He would never create anything that anyone, beyond his mom, would ever listen to or pay money for.
3. His bumpkin-ass, backward town was lucky to have bands roll through and in doing so, there are probably 47,000 other places they’d rather be.
4. No one forced him to go to these shows or to be a fan and if they “failed” in his eyes, it was on him to stop being a fan. If he wanted to be critical, then it was on him.

I believe I summarized my statement by insinuating that most of these people probably never step away from the ongoing basement Advanced Dungeons and Dragons marathon they’ve been a part of for the past x number of years to really socialize in a way that didn’t make them seem like absolute ‘tards and that if they were so defiant in not wanting to be fans of a band like Mastodon, then they should just go back to spinning REO Speedwagen at the safety of their mom’s apron. I believe I also acknowledged that I was about to get kicked off the board and they could all go suck on an elephant’s toe.

Then, I got kicked off the board by a moderator. Apparently, my comments were seen as being “threating” and that could be when I had told the kid that if I ever saw him at a show, I would do the jail time for kicking in his teeth, just for the opportunity to reduce the world’s weasel population by one.

Oops.

In the meantime, the kid had found my email through my profile and decided to continue the conversation. It went a little something like this…and to be honest, I’m a little ashamed of how far this went. I really to have better things to be doing with my time.

FormerMastodonFan: Hey man, you really were talking some messed up stuff on the board back there. Mastodon sucks live and they should play more like they do on the album. I bet you don’t even play good. HAHA, now you ain’t on the board no more.

Me: First off, you’re an idiot and I’d keep my promise of whipping your ass in a parking lot, if it ever comes to it. Sounds like your mom should have beat you a little more when you were young. She probably just feed you cookies. Second, if you don’t like how a band sounds live, don’t go to the shows. This proves you’re an idiot. Do you even know what goes into making an album? Lots and lots of takes. Thats why the music sounds as good as it does. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have better things to do. Hope you are enjoying your mom’s cookies.

FormerMastodonFan: I paid nearly $50 to see that show. All I’m saying is that they should care more. Plus, don’t talk about my mom. She is a strong woman.

Me: A strong woman that should have been you for being a weak individual. Maybe routine beatings would have made you a better person. Depending on how conveniently this could occur, I’d be more than happy to beat your ass on Wednesday evenings, but I probably don’t live anywhere near you, so that’s out of the question. And by the way, I certainly wouldn’t want to perform if front of you either. You were probably crying like an Eastern European at a Michael Jackson concert.

FormerMastodonFan: Screw you! Screw you! Screw you! Have you ever even been to a Mastodon show? It’s nothing like a Michael Jackson concert.

Me: Uh, we’re apparently done with this conversation. You stopped making sense a while back. I don’t have this kind of time. Enjoy the Mastodon forum. Maybe you’ll meet someone nice who will also enjoy your mom’s cookies. If you contact me again, I’ll run your email through Facebook, figure out where you live, take the time off of work and find you, just to give you that beat down that you’ve been needing all of your life.

He followed up with two more emails. I never responded. I think I had made my point pretty clear. Also, I’m a man of my word. So, I figured out he lived in Ohio and took a couple days, loaded up the chopper and headed east. When I got to his neighborhood, I found his house pretty easily and his mom answered the door, with an apron and a big plate of freshly made cookies.

“Lewis, you have a friend. I think he wants to play baseball with you. He brought a bat.”

She offered me a cookie. They were delicious. Lewis turned out to be a chubby 22-year-old with a bowl cut. Instead of beating him with the bat, I gave him $50 bucks and told him he might be better off living in the fan-crazed world of the Backstreet Boys upcoming reunion. His mom commented that she used to love Backstreet. I let the kid off the hook and headed back home.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/20/tea-party-protests-nier-f_n_507116.html

Seriously. And the blood should rest on this groups collective hands. One of these “get-togethers” will end up bloody, because:
A. The people involved with the tea-party movement are ignorant bigots who are asking for it, and
B. Because no one expects it to get this out of hand.

But, it will.

I’d suggest sane-minded individuals take it upon themselves to kick a Tea Bagger in the bean bag whenever you encounter one. If you can’t shut ‘em up, maybe you can help prevent them from spreading their genetic code.

Oh, snaps! Its a PoisonCast, y’all. $trick9 & Duke are back on the block and the Des Moines Social Club’s Marnie Strate stops by to tell us what’s really good. Also, we got a hot, new track from the Baberhood!

Here’s what I’ve accomplished thus far today. Drums tracked. Bass tracked, rhythm guitars done. Tomorrow, I’m looking at vocals and guitar leads. (Also, prolly some more BBQ.) Then, a mix and I should be ready to release it. If its good, and it will be, I may do a video for it.

Ready for day 2.

Hi,i really like your vid “Big Mac Attack!” and i would like to have the lyrics… i couldnt find em at the internet,so i made my own…but in cause of my bad english there are many many mistakes…plz…really plz correct em!
PS: i voted your vid with 5*^^

we make fat cash for fuck your fat ass
its big mac is back and hes attacking the masters
with mass of the mout to seggurate the fat to sandwiches
big mac big mac
i scrimbled to the ryhm right grimace (ding dong)
kick down the door open wild its a mac attack bitches
b i g to the m a c and mc what a recipie check it to
all beef pannis special sauce that is cheese
pickels onions on the ses me see bong
that bolge in my ass see my bonge as my wather wears a tanga
wet you wonder in ja morder and a number one
no wineline i got a nine in my pocket with loge fries
its suicied waitin for you from both sides
eh yo sides who gig did it full fig it in both dies
crinnin a big mac with bolgen eyes
how me just cuz i
put a little wabbel in the estrab
wabbel wabbel will between you and i
lil shorty when u gabble my dick rais
ronald mc donalds got a thank for the big dais
gimme the bonce yes the cash the special sauce
stripping of the hamburger patty stack holding ur hand
its like grabbing a fist full of fat ass
or erbeg the fat cash
eyyo i gets dusted as well the bong we’d musted
ketchup cheese and the senonjence
thats wan brem bolojo yo stay joung like elives senon
like moma cass present and halfting big bonn still ya
come sit under the golden notches yo
you live a die you do we got payed bre godless so offices
how payed gold with the crockets from ur dead ploding cockesses
but u keep coming back so we surfing ya
parly seggurate the fattin pur surf it is
well look should dead beadis is a murderer
to say the word i go get the hamburgerler
we make fat cash for fuck your fat ass
its big mac is back and hes attacking the masters
with mass of the mout to seggurate the fat to sandwiches
big mac big mac
who wants beef – best believe we believe in dead bodies
and heats in this motherfucking streets
and puddels are grades instead of cheese
the desert ease making mcs freeze
like the shamrock shaking machines
making these customers bust out of their jeanes
we complease instead of sees old beas si dee noni de panic
just cuz strettin to the citys like an epedemic
forget about it and never listen and this is polemic
drick it down but academics (eh ehm) check it
i break it down bout the numbers the joungers
keep betch he by a humangers trible fungers
and happy meals happen to be the crap they feel
like packing in our backpacks and thats for real
making deeze loose kids while clowns and cartoons
now were coming with raptoons theyre after you
we make fat cash for fuck your fat ass
its big mac is back and hes attacking the masters
with mass of the mout to seggurate the fat to sandwiches
big mac big mac big mac
and thats how it goes down – come inside step n’ in line
you get surfed like the millions befo
you begatten all night right willen to fo
what does that mean i dright know – what

Dead Horse Trauma Promo.