when i am king

favicons

2012-01-16T14:45:00.001-08:00

will be informative and intentional so that never again are we
confronted with rows of browser tabs, half of which have the little
globe symbol denoting a website that forgot (or didn't care to) design
itself a favicon. on pain of pain, when i am king, etc.

focus on forms

2011-12-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

will automatically be set, on load, to the first field that has to be filled. this includes the url field for new empty windows in browsers. designers, hear and obey on pain of pain. when i am king, etc.

grout and small tiles

2011-06-16T23:06:00.001-07:00

will never be used in areas with constant water exposure, viz. backsplashes, bathrooms, sinks, counters of all varieties. and while we're on this topic, why do so many kitchens insist on stainless steel surfaces? that stuff watermarks at the drop of a hat. when i am king, etc.

multi-part stories

2011-03-09T12:56:00.001-08:00

every instalment of a multi-part story should link to every other instalment of the same story. webmasters too lazy to update early instalments, you know what you have coming. when i am king, etc.

proprietary connectors

2010-11-17T14:38:00.001-08:00

for generic things such as audio input and output will be prohibited, so that never again will we be stranded in an airport without the ability to listen to our livescribe pulse pen recordings because we assumed incorrectly that a regular pair of earbuds would work just fine. when i am king, etc.

alarm clocks

2010-08-20T09:07:00.001-07:00

especially those with alarms insistent, irritating, persistent, and set for 9.45am, will be shut off before their owners leave to parts unknown for many weeks. when i am king, etc.

bookmarklets on iphone/ipad safari

2010-07-06T07:11:00.000-07:00

will not require 9-step installation workarounds that end in gentle seething. when i am king, this is how it will be.

hot water for tea

2010-05-14T09:58:00.001-07:00

should never be served in a container that has been used for coffee or any other hot drink. the most carefully grown teas in the world are no match for the ghost of stale coffee grounds. expensive restaurants and their catering staff should know better. on pain of pain, etc.

slides

2010-04-06T11:54:00.001-07:00

should be replicated for sequencing, so that presenters need not page backwards and forth through an enormous deck, muttering "i know the slide is in here somewhere...ah! here it is...no, i guess that's not it. well, i'll just talk through it," all the livelong day.

back/forth navigation buttons on sequential web content

2010-04-03T02:46:00.001-07:00

should be locked in the same absolute location within the window, so that different-sized content doesn't make the user have to refocus on the navigation to proceed with the sequence. and while i'm here, to the power-washers stripping the paint off the building next door who are starting up the compressor now, at 5.45am EST: who do you think will be first against the wall when i am king, etc?

jars containing fluids or suspensions

2010-04-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

of any viscosity will be required to have wide mouths and no shoulders, such that never again will anyone be late for an early meeting because the last droplets of honey were trapped in the rounded shoulder of the honey jar, beyond the reach of even the bendiest spoon.

sick people

2010-03-29T19:10:00.001-07:00

will be banned from public spaces, classrooms, and places of work.
when i am king, etc.

after-dinner caffeinated beverages

2010-03-20T20:53:00.001-07:00

for prohibitively expensive meals will be gratis and well-made. and if not well-made, omitted. needless to say, if neither gratis nor well-made, the proprietor of the establishment should know that he is unwelcome in the kingdom, on pain of pain. when i am king, etc.

blog feeds

2010-03-20T20:20:00.001-07:00

will feature truncated posts only if the truncation takes the form of a summary abstract or if the post consists mostly of bandwidth-intensive content (like autoplay videos, yet another no-no), such that never again will readers have to "click here" to read the article, thus disrupting their laboriously-streamlined feed reader strategy. when i am king, etc.

URLs

2010-03-01T21:25:00.001-08:00

should be linked to rather than merely described, so that never again will i visit a webpage (page A) only to be told to visit another webpage (page B) to click on a link (to page C) that could have been linked to directly from page A. especially when the link to page C on page B has been moved to a different section of page B entirely. are you confused yet? i can't even describe it with my usual crispness and concision, is how ridiculous this is. this is a more general form of the last tirade, about attribution hyperlinks. when i am king, etc.

attribution hyperlinks

2010-02-27T23:35:00.000-08:00

will link to resources about the referent that are either appropriately canonical or intended to be so (yes, wikipedia sort of counts), such that quality data is always as few clicks away as possible. indeed this is an obscure edict but, when i am king, this is how it shall be.

downloadable documents

2010-02-11T08:20:00.001-08:00

will have filenames that provide decent, human-readable clues to what the documents actually are, instead of automatically-generated and meaningless jumbles of letters and numbers.

autoplay

2009-12-05T19:29:00.001-08:00

will be disabled by default on all rich media, without exception.

type

2009-11-12T12:26:00.001-08:00

office computers used by minor functionaries will have only a few typefaces installed, all of which will be good ones. comic sans and paintbrush will be banned, on pain of pain, and text will be either underlined or emboldened for emphasis, never both. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

attachments

2009-04-20T18:21:00.001-07:00

will be stored as blobs with persistent and unique IDs within a service and linked to rather than attached, to prevent the constant replication of identical files. when i am king, etc.

price stickers

2009-04-08T14:02:00.001-07:00

will be coated with adhesives that adhere firmly but detach easily with force applied in a 45-degree angle, and without leaving behind a layer of gummy crud that somehow always turns black and can never be removed except with mineral spirits or a product such as goo-gone. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

misuse of words

2009-03-04T06:52:00.001-08:00

will be punishable by extreme pain and public shaming. no longer will words like "hoard" and "horde," or "discreet" and "discrete," be interchanged with impunity, especially in academic journals that should know better. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

journals

2009-03-03T16:42:00.001-08:00

will be required to publish digital versions that are suitable for online reading. this means no double (or triple) column layouts, no 2-inch wide columns, a text-layer that contains wrapping text, and type optimized for pixelation (so none of this garamond bullshit). when i am king, this is how it shall be.

garbage can lids

2009-02-26T21:48:00.001-08:00

will be built so that they do not detach from the rest of the can at the slightest provocation, to be left for the next conscientious individual to reaffix with much gnashing of teeth. when i am king, this is how it shall be.

PDFs

2009-02-23T20:28:00.001-08:00

will have text layers that only break at paragraphs, such that copying and pasting from them will no longer be an enormous pain. when i am king, this is how it shall be.