knocked up and homeless </h1> <article> <h1>knocked up and homeless </h1> <p>Sat, 1 Oct 2011 14:21:47 +1000</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2011/10/1_knocked_up_and_homeless_files/IMG_0364.jpg"></a><br/>so...i was thinking...not sure if you’d be interested...but...maybe it’s time for an update??? it’s been a long time, and so much has happened! where to even start?<br/><br/>the biggest news to come from the updales is the fact that we are indeed knocked up!!! and boy what a journey we have had to get one stupid line on a freaking pee test. since last we spoke we had a 3rd and very disappointing round of ivf. my egg numbers were down, so embryo numbers were down. they were so low, in fact, we decided after it didn’t work that we were done. not going to do anymore. a few months passed, we cleared our heads, enjoyed our lives, talked about what plan B would be, and then we were introduced to an amazing all natural supplement that could maybe boost our fertility. <br/><br/>after a few months passed we decided that we would switch ivf doctors and give it one more try. BUT THIS WAS IT! one more, and then we would move on. i felt very comfortable with my new doc. how could i not? he is a cutie patudie scottish gay man who would make most gay men (and women) weak at the knees. (tony - sorry, i asked if he was single. sadly for you, no he isn’t). <br/><br/>this doc completely changed the way we were going to approach this ivf (different drugs, different amounts, a different schedule, etc). that combined with a much more relaxed attitude from us, and this amazing supplement that increased the numbers of eggs for me, and swimmers for hubby - and who knows? something crazy happened in that petri dish, and here we are knocked up (i’m 20 weeks)!!! and homeless!<br/><br/>which leads nicely into the second biggest thing consuming our lives right. we have no house. as in, none. zero. it has been completely knocked down to the ground, and now we are living in what was once a garage. <br/><br/>we always knew when we bought this place that we would knock down and rebuild. we started the process over a year ago! it has taken us that long to find the right plans, get the loan approval, get the okay from the local city council, etc. we’ve been in the garage now for over 3 weeks, and lucky us! the start date of the building work has been delayed! delayed before it’s even started. oh boy. should i be worried? <br/><br/>the baby is due in mid february. the building should take 4-6 months. i’m not good at math, but i’m pretty sure that is pretty f’ed up timing. either way it’s going to suck. having to move just before i pop, or having to bring baby home to a garage. <br/><br/>but never mind. we are building a house we love in a location we love, so it will all be okay...one day. hopefully before junior graduates from high school.<br/><br/>okay folks. that’s all for this one. i’ll be updating here more regularly now. i’ll leave you with a pic that was taken about a month ago, before the house was knocked down. please check out my hooters! yeah, i know. you’re welcome!<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/> </article> <article> <h1>iphone photo update, part duex </h1> <p>Tue, 22 Feb 2011 09:40:43 +1100</p> <br/>today on whatsablog, we will continue with the photo updates from my phone. part duex is all about the pets. today will be easy because about 90% of my pictures are of these two idiots. probably because we don’t have kids. or probably because i am a dork. non animal lovers, you should probably skip this one.<br/><br/>a bit of back ground first. for the most part, whenever we are in the house, jess is in the house. dogs are pack animals and they like to be with their humans. if you have a dog and you make them stay outside and sleep outside, don’t ever tell me, because i’ll probably start to cry. then i’ll get really mad and lecture you that you should have never got a dog if you weren’t going to make it part of the family. dogs get lonely and feel insecure when they are on their own. so for heavens sake, for their sake, for my sake, let your dog in your house!<br/><br/>moving on.....it should be no surprise that jess has a bed next to our bed where she sleeps every night. jess is allowed on our bed sometimes, too. like most mornings when hubs gets up and leaves for work, jess will normally hop on the bed and take his spot. and because norm loves jess, he is normally there too (see what i did there!). here are some snaps of what i wake up to in the morning:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>this last one is my favorite! i have about 15 variations of this one from every angle. at one point, jess tried to move her head, but norm was NOT having any of that:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>without lifting his head, he stretched out his paw, sunk his claws gently in her snout, and pulled it back into position. he left his claws there as a reminder for her not to do that again.<br/><br/>remember how last time i told you that jess will eat anything? yeah, here is more evidence of that. two of her favorite things, broccoli and red cabbage (i don’t buy these for her, they just didn’t get used, so instead of throwing them out, she got them.)<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>jess is the type of dog that follows me EVERYWHERE i go. it’s hysterical when i go pee, because she, of course, follows me. when i sit down, she sits down. and 20 seconds later when i stand up and leave the bathroom, she sighs deeply and gets up, as if to say, i just got comfortable, woman! when hubs and i are both home, she doesn’t know who to follow. she loves to be with hubs when he takes a bath. and norman although terrified of water, is also fascinated by it. he loves to walk around the tub:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>norman on a surf board:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>norman on our microwave:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>norman showing off:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>alright folks, that’s it for now. the rest of my pics i’ll save for next time. as i sign off here, i’ll just note that norman is asleep on the table where i’m writing, and jess is sleeping at my feet. i love these 2 idiots so freaking much, that all i want to do is pull their freaking ears off. i won’t, but i sooooooo want to! <br/> </article> <article> <h1>iphone photo update</h1> <p>Fri, 11 Feb 2011 09:45:58 +1100</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2011/2/11_iphone_photo_update_files/IMG_0106.jpg"></a>i have so many pictures in my iphone, that i’m going to give you some updates using them. todays update, i eluded to in the last entry.<br/><br/>as you may or may not know, i try to be pretty darn healthy. i eat well. i shop at the organic farmers market. i exercise regularly. blah blah blah. the only time you’ll find ice cream or cookies in my house is when my moms comes to visit because she has a wicked sweet tooth. (side note #1, she was just here for 3 weeks, and i gained 5 pounds thanks to all the goodies she baked for us like, peach pie, chocolate chip cookies, banana cream pie, etc. thanks, mom!) <br/><br/>recently, when my local juice bar (think jamba juice) stopped selling wheat grass shots, something i swear by, i decided to grow my own. i sent away for a wheat grass growing kit, and in a couple of days had this in back yard!<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>i can’t remember the exact statistic, but having one shot of wheat grass is like having 400 pounds of raw vegetables. or something like that. pretty darn good for you!<br/><br/>fast forward a couple of days, it’s 3am, and i hear the noise in jessie’s stomach that means 5 seconds until the entire contents of her stomach is sprayed all over the floor. it’s a strange gurgle kind of noise, that will wake me out of the deepest sleep and send me running to her. within a split second, i dash out of bed, guided by the noise until i find her in the hallway, where i’m greeted by the warm spray of her first chuck at my feet. then i drag her, while she is heaving, to the door, where she has another chuck, before i manage to push her outside. <br/><br/>side note #2, i have had dogs my entire life. this dog, throws up more than every other dog combined. it’s really amazing how sensitive her stomach is. <br/><br/>while the vomiting continues outside, i clean up the mess in the house, in the dark, wondering what the hell she ate to have this stuff all over my floor.<br/><br/>the next morning as i walked outside, barefoot, onto our porch, the pain of stepping on what feels like tiny pebbles has me cursing like a sailor at 7 am. on our porch i kept the wheat grass growing kit that had 3 large bags of grass seed. <br/><br/>side note #3, hubs and i learned the hard way that jessie can never be left anywhere where she can access anything edible. once, she ripped apart an unopened bag of dog food and ate her body weight in that, which had her barfing and pooping in epic quantities for days. and that one time when my friend shaz came to visit, jess went through her luggage, found her 2 week supply of vitamins and supplements and ate them. or the time she ate rat poison and pooped and vomited neon blue. oh, how i love my dog!<br/><br/>so silly us, we left her with access to GRASS SEED. a totally logical food source for a dog, apparently. GRASS SEED? <br/><br/>so, for the next 2 days, we nick named jessie a grass seed pooping machine, because every bowel movement after that, her bum looked like a grass seed dispenser. these were dotted all over our lawn.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>i took her to the vet to make sure she was okay.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>the vet had a good laugh and said he’d never heard of a dog eating grass seed before. that made two of us.<br/><br/>as long as we were on the topic of dogs eating funny things, i told him about the time my friend chrissy’s dog ate a condom and pooped it out while her mother was walking her. funny, right? well, when telling it to a 60 year old stranger it was just awkward. <br/><br/>he blushed, laughed nervously, and told me jess would be fine, and shoed us out.<br/><br/>hubs and i had a bet as to whether or not, jessies grass seed poops would sprout or not. turns out they didn’t, which was a bummer, because i totally would have....i joke, i joke. </article> <article> <h1>updale xmas card, version 2010</h1> <p>Thu, 27 Jan 2011 16:00:57 +1100</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2011/1/27_updale_xmas_card,_version_2010_files/P1020617.jpg"></a>ummmm....hi. remember me? i know it’s been a while, and i have loads of excuses for not writing. none of them very good. except for the fact that i have less free time now than what i used to. and when i do have free time, i’m laying out at the beach, swimming in the ocean, or outside on our porch reading a book (remember, it’s summer time here). actually the best excuse for not writing is that i went through the ‘girl with the dragon tattoo’ series of books, and for 3 whole weeks, i was useless. totally and completely. every spare second i had, i was reading. i hardly even glanced up at hubs when he got home from work; the dog didn’t go for any walks. and i sure as heck wasn’t going to write about jessie’s most recent poop escapades, although i can’t wait to share those with you soon. how could i possibly stop to write about my dogs bum, or our xmas card when lisbeth salander was on the run? not possible. <br/><br/>alright, enough about that. on to the xmas card fiasco. <br/><br/>ok, so as you know, what i was going to do for this years pic plagued me for 11 whole months. when you a achieve a certain level of greatness (see updale family xmas card, version 2009), the expectations others have of you can be huge. overwhelming. crushing even. <br/><br/>up until the end of november i was still undecided about our picture. while i was flicking through the local paper, i saw an ad that there was a “pet hour” with santa down at the mall. brilliant, i thought. i even rearranged things at work, so that i could take the time off to be there for that one hour. <br/><br/>some of you might be familiar with the strange feeling you get when you walk through the mall with your pets. no? well, everyone stares, points and whispers. a bit uncomfortable, right? yeah. here we are walking through the parking lot. <br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>i was relieved when we got to santa. there was a line of other obsessed dog owners eager to have their holiday photo with the fat man. no other cat owners, but lots of dog owners. <br/><br/>when it was our turn, we walked up to santa, who insisted that jess sit on his lap. for those of you who have never had the absolute pleasure of meeting the best dog in the world, you might not know that she is not really interested in strangers. she only has eyes for hubs and i. jess wanted nothing to do with the guy in the red suit, and there in started the wrestling match between the two. exhibit A:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>exhibit B:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>when i first took norm out of his carrying case, he was petrified and paralyzed (see above). he is an indoor cat. so imagine his surprise when he is suddenly at the mall, next to santa, with a line full of dogs. to say that he wasn’t happy is a colossal understatement. he was f’ing pissed! and didn’t i pay for it!<br/><br/>he immediately tried to get out of my clutches. but i was holding on for dear life. with kmart to the left of us, and food court to the right, and a line of dogs straight ahead, he could of ripped me to shreds before i let him go. and rip me to shreds, he did. <br/><br/>stupid me for wearing a strapless dress...with no bra. but in my defense, it was green, and i didn’t want to clash with the xmas colors - little did i know this second rate santa display was blue! never mind. so norman freaks out, and tries to scratch his way up me. in doing so he steps on my dress pushing it down, tearing it, and revealing my ta ta’s while ripping chunks of my flesh out with his claws. cue the line of dogs and their owners erupting in laughter. they were already pointing and whispering about the freak with the cat...and then i was topless with blood squirting out of my chest. it was the perfect porn/horror photo op for those with santa clause fetishes. laugh away, everyone else did.<br/><br/>what? you never seen boobies before? bleeding? next to santa? yeah, ok, fine. i’d be laughing too. that and the fact that there was nothing i could do, because my two hands were too busy holding on to the squirming cat on my shoulder. i had to wait for hubs to stop laughing, so he could adjust my dress and put the girls away. <br/><br/>after the indecent exposure incident, the lady taking pics thought this was the best way to get the animals attention:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>a rattle? hmmm....not so much.<br/><br/>it was only when we were ready to leave that i noticed that hubs had his hat on the entire time. ugh! we got one last shot, minus the hat, and ended up with this as our card:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>a few things to note: 1) hubs wasn’t wearing any socks. 2) he left his hat on his knee. 3) we couldn’t find jessie’s real leash, so had to use a surf board leash instead, which is at santa’s feet. 4) santa’s feet? what the heck is he wearing. they weren’t ugg boots. i think they were material that was supposed to look like boots, but just looked really silly. <br/><br/>alright, so there you have it. cindy shap, hope it was worth the wait. if anyone has any suggestions for next year, let me now, because i’m already worried about what i’ll do then. preferably without blood and boobs. </article> <article> <h1>2 videos, merry xmas!</h1> <p>Fri, 24 Dec 2010 21:31:41 +1100</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/12/24_Entry_1_files/Video_Icon.jpg"></a><br/>pause for a moment and answer these four questions in your head:<br/><br/>1. if you could have lunch with anyone in the world, who would it be?<br/><br/>2. what is your all time favorite tv show?<br/><br/>3. who would you be a lesbian for?<br/><br/>4. what is your first choice in pasta shape?<br/><br/>here are my answers: oprah winfrey, the oprah winfrey show, oprah winfrey, and oprah orecchiette.<br/><br/>i LOVE LOVE LOVE oprah! <br/><br/>i was one of the lucky ones who got to go to the taping of her show here in sydney. for those of you living under a rock, (ahem, courtney c.) oprah brought her audience of 300 to australia for a vacation. they went to the great barrier reef, ayers rock, melbourne, tasmania, etc. they did all sorts of cool stuff that they are making into a few episodes. she filmed 2, here in sydney.<br/><br/>there was a lottery system to win tickets to the shows she was filming at the oprah house. there were over 380,000 people who entered the lottery, and only 6,000 were selected. i was lucky enough to know someone who got tickets, and i got to be the plus one!<br/><br/>here is some video footage of the first show that will be aired:<br/><br/>(the first thing she says, “ozzie, ozzie, ozzie” and the crowd responds “oi, oi, oi” - is an australia ritual representing pride and patriotism. it was a cool way for her to start the show) <br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>she is amazing! loved every minute of the show; even when hugh jackman almost lost an eye! it was an experience i’ll always remember. even if she didn’t return the feeling of girl on girl action with me.<br/><br/><br/><br/>as long as i’m showing videos...my oldest brother, doug, put together this video from our family vacation in hawaii 9 months ago. <br/><br/>i can’t imagine this would be interesting to anyone who isn’t in it, but, in case you are bored out of your mind, here you go. the the cast of characters:<br/><br/>me<br/>hubby<br/>doug - the guy you can see the most holding the camera and doing his best model pose<br/>tim - my other brother<br/>my dad - the gray haired guy who has his shirt off or open in almost every shot<br/>my mom - the only 4 foot 11 inch lady to be seen<br/>nene - tim’s wife, the only one with brown hair<br/>prisca - the adorable 2 year old<br/><br/>because other peoples vacation videos are so exciting...<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>at one point there is a shot of me, fresh out of the ocean, in a red rash guard. here is what happened 5 minutes before filming that: we rented surf boards, and i paddled out with hubs to the line up (i used to surf a lot, but have not done much in the last 6 years). i tried catching a wave that ended up tossing me around like a doll. i was wearing that red rash guard and my bikini. my bikini bottoms tied at the sides. with all the thrashing that happened, somehow those ties loosened, and i lost my bottoms in the surf. as soon as i surfaced, i started to panic! <br/><br/>i had to paddle, bare assed, all the way to the beach, while my hubby laughed himself silly. he ran to the beach, andgot a towel for me to cover myself with to get out of the water. ha, freaking ha! all the while, doug, my film maker brother, tried desperately to find his camera...he didn’t find it until after my butt was covered! phew!<br/><br/>so there you go. merry freaking xmas! i’ll post the story of the xmas card next, which included me flashing my boobs and the cat drawing blood, soon....<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/> </article> <article> <h1>jeff</h1> <p>Tue, 7 Dec 2010 21:18:53 +1100</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/12/7_jeff_files/P1030829.jpg"></a><br/>when we bought our house, almost a year ago, one thing we liked about it was the fact that it had a ‘granny flat,’ or guest house. <a href="http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/3/12_our_new_old_home.html">i mentioned it here</a>, when we first bought this old shack, and how the non attached garage was converted into a 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom ‘apartment.’ our granny flat came with a tenant who had been renting it for the last 15 years, jeff. everyone meet jeff, jeff meet everyone. <br/><br/>well, sadly, jeff will never meet you guys. he doesn’t have email, and doesn’t even own a computer! so, i could say anything i wanted to about him and he’d never know! but the truth is, he’s a great guy. he is in his late 50s, divorced, and is the best tenant you could ever hope to have living in your back yard. he mows the lawns, takes out the trash, and collects the mail and leaves it on our step. he’s a dream, if only hubby could learn a thing or two from him. <br/><br/>our house is at the front of the block, and to get to his, which is at the back, he has to walk down the side of our house, which has a lot of windows. we always see him, and wave hello. sadly with this set up, there is no more walking around naked for me, which sucks, because i’m a part time nudist. <br/><br/>jeff is super social, always out at the local pub, golfing with his buddies, or on weekend fishing trips. he was born and raised here in newport, and he has never left! he knows everyone, which is why i call him the prince of newport. <br/><br/>i noticed about 2 months into our life here, that it was a funny coincidence that every time one of our friends came to our house, jeff was gone. then hubs and i started to joke with each other about how jeff must feel bad for us because we have no friends. then we started to notice it all the time!<br/><br/>picture this: it’s saturday night. hubs and i are sitting on the couch watching tv, about to leave in 20 minutes to meet m & j for dinner. moments before we leave, jeff, walks past our living room on his was out, and sees us sitting there. hubs and i joke that he’s probably thinking, those poor buggers, on the couch again, on a saturday night.<br/><br/>or we’ve been out all day having a long lunch with e & g and get home at 4pm and collapse on the couch. jeff gets home at 4:15, walks past us, and thinks, gosh, there they are again. so sad.<br/><br/>or k & g come for dinner. he’s away for the weekend. we have a dinner party, he’s no where to be found.<br/><br/>every single time! i’m not joking, this has been happening for the 9 months we’ve been here!<br/><br/>it’s quite a funny joke now. if i see that jeff has just got out of his car and is walking up the drive way, i’ll shout to hubs, ‘what time are s & a coming over?’ even though i know exactly when they are coming. or when i see his window open, i’ll walk outside while on the phone, thanking b & s for the lovely dinner we had at their house. i go out of my way to mention our weekend plans when he says hello in the morning. or i wait until he is outside to take out all the beer and wine bottles from thanksgiving. all our effort probably sounds fake and forced, and it probably makes him feel worse for us.<br/><br/>in reality, we don’t actually care, it’s just become a joke around here. but i’m hoping that when the sacks and sacks of CHRISTMAS CARDS start pouring in, he’ll know we aren’t total losers. just mostly losers. <br/><br/>i’ll be mailing our most embarrassing xmas card to date, later this week... </article> <article> <h1>xmas card</h1> <p>Fri, 3 Dec 2010 09:10:52 +1100</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/12/3_xmas_card_files/P1020702.jpg"></a>i just put this up as my facebook status:<br/><br/>quotes from karl while taking this years xmas card pic: "this is so embarrassing", <br/>"i can't believe you are making me do this", <br/>"you owe me BIG TIME!"...<br/><br/>...and i accidentally lost my top and flashed a lot of people in the process. who wants one? send me your address if you do. thinking this years tops last years...<br/><br/>i know it’s a big call, this years better than last years, but i promise, you won’t be disappointed. i need to know numbers by tomorrow to place my order with the printers. i already got emails from a lot of you, so if i replied, then i got your email. send me your address if you want one of these gems:<br/><br/>brookeudale@gmail.com </article> <article> <h1>it’s that time of year again! </h1> <p>Tue, 30 Nov 2010 08:03:37 +1100</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/11/30_it%E2%80%99s_that_time_of_year_again%21_files/P1020613.jpg"></a><br/>yeah! it’s finally the one time of year my mailbox isn’t dominated by bills and junk mail. it’s xmas card time!!! now, i’m not going to lie...this years xmas card has crossed my mind at least once a month since january. if you weren’t here last xmas, you can read about <a href="http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2009/11/26_tis_the_season.html">my LOVE for xmas cards</a>, and you can see our <a href="http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2009/12/16_xmas_card_greetings.html">award winning card from last year</a> wherein i brought my cat (who has never left the house) to the beach.<br/><br/>how the f can i top that card? and like i said, that question has gone through my mind for the past 11 months. i’m not sure that i have an idea that will top last years, but i think it might be okay. hubs has already said flat out, “NO WAY!” to my idea, which probably means it’s a good one, so i’m hoping i might be able to persuade him...<br/><br/>i normally like to have my cards in the mail by december 1st, but these past few weeks have been super busy. i’m hoping to take the picture sometime in the next week, so hopefully all you fools can have them by the middle of december. <br/><br/>so, anyone who wants the 6th annual updale family xmas card, speak now or forever hold your peace. email me your address to:<br/><br/><a href="Entries/2010/11/30_it%25E2%2580%2599s_that_time_of_year_again%2521_files/mailto%253Abrookeudale%2540gmail.com">brookeudale@gmail.com</a><br/><br/>even if i should have your address, send it again. i probably don’t. and bitches, if i send you one, you got-sta be sending me one! i’ll reply with my address. this is crucial, and i’ll explain in my next blog why i need lots of xmas cards this year! <br/><br/>alrighty, ho ho ho bags. i’m ten, four, over and out! </article> <article> <h1>jack’s willy</h1> <p>Thu, 18 Nov 2010 10:17:18 +1100</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/11/18_jack%E2%80%99s_willy_files/circumcision.jpg"></a><br/>this is a cute little story courtesy of my neighbor, betty. betty is in her 60s and has lots of grandkids. her youngest, jack, at the age of 3 developed some problems with his penis, and needed to have it circumcised.<br/><br/>side note: circumcision is not routine in this country. we are all about the foreskin!!! a strange concept for some people to get their head around, but if you try your mou...<br/><br/>australia is not in the habit of removing body parts just because. if there is a problem, then sure, we deal with it. we also don’t preemptively remove wisdom teeth or appendi (appendixes?). <br/><br/>there are certain times and places when it is appropriate to remove foreskin, unnecessary teeth, and pointless bits of our colon. but days after being born, and with no anesthetic can be quite traumatic for the baby peen and it’s owner. and for the argument, a boy should look like his father...that’s crap. my mom has way bigger boobs than me, and i turned out okay. <br/><br/>(still not convinced? put “circumcision surgery” into google images...tell me what’s worse: looking slightly different from their dad or that procedure with no pain meds? i was searching google images trying to find a picture for the top of this entry, and came across some doosies).<br/><br/>but back to jack’s willy: the parents sat him down before the procedure to tell him what was going to happen. his mom said:<br/><br/>“tomorrow we are going to see the doctor. they are going to give you a little sting that will make you feel sleepy. then, when wake up, your penis will look like daddy’s penis” (circumcised)<br/><br/>jack thought about it for a second and responded:<br/><br/>“really? that big?”<br/><br/>pause.........how cute is that??????<br/><br/>the dad, beaming with pride, said:<br/><br/>“thanks, mate. thanks!”<br/><br/>for the next few days, all the young cousins were asking about the state of jack’s willy. when betty was describing to a 6 year old female cousin what happened, she said:<br/><br/>“jack had to have a procedure on his willy, and now he is like uncle mark” (jack’s dad). <br/><br/>the 6 year olds response:<br/><br/>“really, jack is a dentist???”<br/><br/>pause..............how cute is that?????<br/><br/>the most compelling reason not to circumcise your baby at birth? the funny things they can say about it when they are a bit older. <br/><br/>what are your thoughts on circumcision? </article> <article> <h1>attack of the giant sperm potato! </h1> <p>Tue, 9 Nov 2010 20:57:41 +1100</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/11/9_attack_of_the_giant_sperm_potato%21_files/P1030867.jpg"></a>what a great title, aye? i wish i could say that i came up with that myself, but the truth is, i didn’t. here is the story of my greatest title yet:<br/><br/>on saturday, i held my fifth annual australian thanksgiving. what? you say. so early? yes, so early. i find thanksgiving at the end of the month a tad inconvenient. it’s too close to xmas and xmas parties, so i have moved it forward. and i can because these suckers down under don’t know jack about pilgrims, and they believe anything i tell them. ha ha! like thanksgiving is on a saturday, in the beginning of november, and it is a celebration of the pilgrims landing at plymouth rock with their surprisingly bloated armada of discharged ninja custodians. the indians were so grateful to finally have some custodians, who were also ninjas, and recently discharged, they decided to cook the pilgrims turkey with cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. they were so thankful for their giving, they decided to dedicate one day a year to those altruistic pilgrims and their funny shoes and hats. thus, we have thanksgiving. (for those who recognize the don salsa reference, three cheers for you!)<br/><br/>fact/tangent #1: i paid $132 for a 18 pound bird!!!!!!!!!!!! is that the most ridiculous sentence you’ve read all day? (ok, possibly the second most ridiculous after the ninja custodian gem. but you come here for the ridiculous right?). and everybody ‘ohhhs’ and ‘ahhhs’ at the size of the GIANT bird. giant my ass! an 18lb bird is pathetic. embarrassing. shameful, really. can someone please enlighten the ozzies on genetic engineering and how it can be applied to turkeys so that they can get a half decent 30lb bird over here. please!<br/><br/>any how, back to the giant sperm potato that attacks story: the day before ‘thanksgiving,’ my friend erin was over helping me cook, and she asked if i was going to get pissed (read: australian for drunk). “no, sadly, you can’t really drink much when you are the hostess; there is too much happening between the turkey, the gravy, and getting the other 7 dishes served.” famous last words. <br/><br/>fact/tangent #2: my drink kept getting filled up before it was empty, so i completely lost track of how much i was drinking, and before you know it, i was well and truly pissed. not mad, but drunk. really drunk. and thus my proclamation the next day on facebook: never drinking again! i was so hung over that i could not stand up straight all day! <br/><br/>here are a few pics of the night:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>the puny turkey:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>drunk face:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>gravy, creamed corn, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, turkey, green bean casserole, yams:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>not sure about this one:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>again, back to the giant sperm potato: when i’m drunk i LOVE to play the game, ‘laugh your ass off.’ here is how it works: 6 or more people sit around a table. everyone writes down a sentence at the top of a piece of paper. any sentence. in this example, the sentence was:<br/><br/>“one small step for man, one giant step for man kind”<br/><br/>then everyone passes the paper to the left. they then have to draw a picture of the sentence, using no words. then you fold over the piece of paper so that the only thing the next person can see is the picture. pass to the left. then they have to write a sentence that describes the picture. and so on, and so on until the it gets back to the first person. <br/><br/>like the game of telephone, what is at the end is so far from the original that you...’laugh your ass off’. clever name! <br/><br/>in this example, after a few awful pictures, and some really funny sentences “one small step for man...” ended up at:<br/><br/>“attack of the giant sperm potato!”<br/><br/>don’t know about you, but my ass is off. because i laughed it off. because that is freaking hilarious! thanks to matt, and his sick sense of humor.<br/><br/>so there you have it. what a long winded way to tell you about and encourage you all to attempt this game at your ‘thanksgiving.’ even if it’s with your parents and grandparents. it’s always good fun and can lead to ridiculous sentences. and you obviously love ridiculous sentences, OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE!!!<br/><br/>report back with any winners, please!<br/> </article> <article> <h1>toilet talk</h1> <p>Fri, 29 Oct 2010 13:02:05 +1100</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/10/29_toilet_talk_files/toto.jpg"></a>let’s talk about toilets, and topics relating to toilets, shall we? (take a deep breath, mom. no mention of poop).<br/><br/>1. i grew up in southern california, so saving water has been beaten into my head since birth. that’s what happens when you live in a desert with 10 million other people. water conservation - it becomes part of you. the slogan “if it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down” has been my way of life for a long time. but don’t worry, if i’m at your house, i won’t pee in your toilet and leave it - this motto only applies to my own home, and only to the toilet in our bedroom. i’m not completely unreasonable. <br/><br/>what really annoys me, is that anytime hubby happens upon our toilet with pee already in it, he flushes, pees himself, then flushes again. totally making null and void my water saving strategy! he is constantly annoyed at me for not flushing, but as i always say, saving the earth is not glamorous. if the human race become extinct from mass dehydration, due to a lack of fresh drinking water, i think i know who we’ll all blame: little miss flushes all the time! <br/><br/>2. i’m not sure how many good inventions have come out of australia, but a few that come to mind are:<br/><br/>-the cork screw hat; fantastic for when you are in the outback and there are so many freaking flies that your two hands are not enough to swat them away.<br/><br/>- the boomerang; good for hitting yourself in the face.<br/><br/>-vegemite; a food great at inducing vomiting with it’s smell and flavor.<br/><br/>-box wine; bloody f’ing brilliant! yeah, any surprises that a nation of alcoholics invented wine in a cardboard box? <br/><br/>almost better than wine in a box, is the australian two flush toilet system. let me explain. down under, we have two options when it comes to flushing. we have the half flush, and the full flush. amazing, right?!? you don’t need the same amount of water to flush one pee (or three) as you do for..........other things (happy, mom?). <br/><br/>wake up toilet making association of america, and take note! because gosh darn it, it’s the second best idea to come out of this country!! <br/><br/>next time i visit my parents, i want 2 options when flushing. although at their house, i’ll probably just “let it mellow”. but still, i like options.<br/><br/>3. and lastly...when sending and email from an iphone, it always has the tag:<br/><br/>Sent from my iPhone<br/><br/>which i love. but, i’ve just discovered that you can customize it if you choose. here is what i’ve got on mine because i think it’s hilarious and i laugh every time i see it:<br/><br/>Sent from my iPhone...while pooping! </article> <article> <h1>hello!</h1> <p>Thu, 14 Oct 2010 21:25:27 +1100</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/10/14_hello%21__files/P1030141.jpg"></a>hey guys, remember me? i’m the tart who runs this ship. yes, i know, it’s been a while. i have no good excuse for my absence except lots of work and very little fun. nothing inspiring has happened over here that is even worth mentioning. <br/><br/>my 31st birthday came and went. and guess what? no bouts of indecent exposure! on my actual day, i traded in getting drunk (and taking off my clothes) with friends for a super fancy restaurant with hubby. have i ever mentioned how cheap he is sometimes? the look on his face when he saw the the cheapest bottle of wine was $50 was priceless. imagine what it was like when he saw that the most expensive was $2800. yeah, hilarious! <br/><br/>let’s see...what else? oh! after 5 months of having my iphone, i’ve only just learned how to get my pics onto my computer. so what i’ll do is catch you up with what’s been happening with a photo montage. here are some highlights:<br/><br/>1. this was the first picture i ever took on my phone. we were at a beer garden with some friends on a sunny day. this was just after we got back from our california/hawaii trip (note the tan). <br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>2. one cold winters day i couldn’t find normy anywhere. it was only after he started purring when i called his name that i found him. he had crawled under our covers and into our flannel sheets to keep warm. if i could caption this pic, he’d be saying “yes?” in a long drawn out kind of way. <br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>3. then my good friend kelly had a baby girl! i went to visit them both in the hospital:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>kel asked if i’d be the godmother, and i was so moved, i started to cry. <br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>4. then the in-laws came to visit. no <a href="http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2009/8/12_my_weekend_from_hell.html">painting of the house</a> this time, thank freaking goodness. here we were out to lunch enjoying some beer. we’re updales, it’s what we do.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>and les, <a href="http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2009/8/8_updale_update_2.html">being les</a>, stopped to read some signs.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>5. next, my mom came to visit. it was butt ass cold here. and didn’t she complain about that constantly. so dramatic!<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>6. jess at work with me:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>7. ok, so the next set of pictures...i did a detox diet after our last round of ivf and decided to get another colonic. only this time i took video footage, <a href="http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2009/11/18_poop_story.html">not just pictures</a>. i’m pretty sure my mom would write me out of the will if i posted it. she has some amazing jewelry that i’m not going to forsake for some internet poop video. unless you guys beg me. in which case i would maybe have no choice. if you want to see the video (minus the audio because i sound like such a dork) post a comment saying so. maybe we can persuade her.<br/><br/><br/><br/>8. two weeks ago my friend jordana and i went to the horse races. she’s a regular and insisted i wear a funny hat. apparently when horses run around a track, you have to wear either a bouquet of flowers on your head, or a bird. here is her bouquet:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>here is my bird:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>9. a beautiful walk on palm beach<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>10. pussy in a box<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>11. last weekend hubs and i were at a department store. he wanted a new pillow, and we spent no less than 45 minutes doing so. remember, <a href="http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/5/20_the_art_of_bargaining.html">bargain shoppers don’t rush</a>. with each pillow, he had to lay down, close his eyes, and stay there for 30 seconds imagining himself asleep. he went through at least 15 pillows, twice! all the while, i was schooling some guy in atlanta on the iphone scrabble app ‘words with friends’ while these shenanigans were happening. what up “jdog” (p.s. i’m obsessed with wwf - look me up if you are too: brookeudale)<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>(i have a very similar picture of him sitting in a bath tub displays on my old phone. he is very tactile)<br/><br/>and lastly, i haven’t built a veggie patch in our new house, because soon we’ll be bull dozing this place (and the drama of deciding on what to do is a whole other topic). so i’ve planted some tomatoes and lettuce in some pots. not as <a href="http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2009/10/22_track_star_flashbacks.html">cute as before</a>, but it will do for now.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>okay, so i’ve caught you up with what we’ve been up to. like i said, nothing too exciting. but stay tuned...there is something-a-brewin that i will have updates on soon! </article> <article> <h1>spring is in the air!</h1> <p>Thu, 16 Sep 2010 16:01:40 +1000</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/9/16_spring_is_in_the_air%21_files/springtime.jpg"></a>i am so happy to say that here in the southern hemisphere, the winter is officially over!!! spring is in the air, and i could not be happier. we have 9 months ahead of us with nice, warm weather. yippee!<br/><br/>i don’t have many nice things to say about the winter, except, (and it’s a big except) that it’s a nice break from all critters and bugs this country has to offer. <br/><br/>i knew for sure that we had turned the corner with the seasons yesterday night. i was walking into our bedroom with norman in my arms. i turned on the light, and practically had a heart attack when i saw the size of the spider that was on our wall. i screamed, threw the cat in the direction of the eight legged beast, and wet my pants just a little bit.<br/><br/>happy freaking spring! nine months of this b.s. with spiders, mosquitos, and flies. but i’ll make that trade any day for the sun, beach, beer and bbqs.<br/><br/>bring it on!<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>p.s. i’m not pregnant. thanks for all the concerns and good thoughts. i feel loved by so many! </article> <article> <h1>womb with a view</h1> <p>Sat, 4 Sep 2010 12:33:44 +1000</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/9/4_womb_with_a_view_files/gynecology-stirrups.jpg"></a>one of my very first entries on this blog was about the process of getting ready to go to the gynecologist. for me, it’s a full on grooming process that i usually spend more time on than when i have a date with my hubby. you have to make sure your, ahem, private parts are well groomed, and freshly cleaned; your appearance also has to echo the clean and tidy look; a cute outfit; some light make up, legs moisturized, toenails painted, and eye brows waxed. <br/><br/>the last thing i want is to be the joke when the doctor gets home and says “you’ll never believe what i had to see/smell today.” it’s bad enough that they have their face in vag all day. i try to make mine less painful, if that’s even possible. but, i try. <br/><br/>thursday was the 5th time in 2 weeks that i’ve had to go to town on my ‘downtown.’ but this time i didn’t mind because we had our 1 lone embryo transfered; transferred into my well groomed pastures. i just hope the 3 people in the room for the procedure appreciated my efforts.<br/><br/>a few days ago, <a href="http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/8/29_near_death_experience.html">WHEN I ALMOST DIED</a>, they got 4 eggs from my 7 follicles (disappointing), and only 1 of the bastards fertilized (really disappointing). but that little bugger held on, and hopefully, that rapidly dividing ball of cells might be the one who gets to call me mom, or mum, as they say in australia. <br/><br/>they usually transfer the embryo on day 5. on that morning the clinic called and said that my embryo survived, was suitable for transfer, and was a grade 2 (think ‘B’). they grade it based on size, cell count, and appearance. by the time i got there in the afternoon, it had improved to a grade 1 (think ‘A’). i told the doctor that i, too, was a late bloomer, and didn’t get my period until i was 14, so maybe my embryo was already taking after me. as the saying goes, the embryo doesn’t fall far from the tree. the doctors exact response was “hmmm, interesting theory.” so, now i’m not going to be the ‘guess what i had to see today’ but the ‘guess what ridiculous thing i heard today.’ <br/><br/>oh well. can’t win them all.<br/><br/>so here i am, implanted. again. in limbo. again. but for the first time ever, anxiously waiting for monday to arrive. monday the 13th we’ll know if this late bloomer ball of cells is to be... </article> <article> <h1>my near death experience</h1> <p>Sun, 29 Aug 2010 10:19:09 +1000</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/8/29_near_death_experience_files/3507753940_044c2e735f.jpg"></a>well, i lied. i said that i wasn’t going to bore you with every detail of this IVF cycle, but when i had my egg collection yesterday and ALMOST DIED, i thought you wouldn’t mind hearing the story. am i being over dramatic? maybe, but i’ll let you decide:<br/><br/>hubs and i were thinking of canceling this cycle because we did not have as good of a response as the first time. the thought of paying $12,000 for half the number of follicles just did not seem right. (no insurance will fully cover IVF in australia. but our government run medicare system will pay for $5,000 of it. so really, it costs us $7,000 each time. ouch.)<br/><br/>we decided to continue with this one because sometimes the fewer eggs you have, the better quality they can be. that, and i was having fond memories of the drug i called ‘intravenous booze’ i got to experience with the first egg collection. <a href="http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/7/2_ivf_update.html">click here to read that whole story</a> with pics.<br/><br/>fast forward to yesterday, when all went as planned during the procedure. when we were done, and heading back to the recovery room, i told the nurse i wasn’t feeling well and needed a barf bag. once i was in the room i had to sit straight up because i felt moments away from vomiting. then everything went black....<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>...the next thing i remember was having the feeling that i was the most tired i have ever been. so super tired, that i wanted to keep my eyes shut. but karl was calling my name, and there was a lot of other noise going on around me. where am i? what the hell is going on? i turned my head in the direction of my hubby’s voice, and managed to open one eye. i saw tears running down his face. i scanned the room and saw 5 nurses and the doctor all standing above me. “she’s going to be okay. don’t worry karl, that was all worse than it seemed.” <br/><br/>what was worse than it seemed? i only wanted to go back to sleep, but why was karl crying? there was an oxygen mask on my face, and a heart rate monitor on my finger. what the hell happened? wasn’t i just taking a nap?<br/><br/>the doctor explained that i had a bad reaction to the drug, and my heart rate and blood pressure fell so low that i fainted. <br/><br/>according to karl: when i sat up to barf, my eyes rolled back into my head and i slumped over. the nurse that was with us rang the emergency alarm and shouted ‘HELP! WE NEED HELP!’ one nurse got the oxygen mask, one held open my jaw so that my tongue would not block my air way, one was shaking me and calling my name, one was getting the board on the hospital bed INCASE THEY NEEDED TO DO CPR, and one gave me another drug to increase my blood pressure.<br/><br/>wow! <br/><br/>but fear not, whatsablogians, i’m alright! it took a few hours to feel normal again, but at least i lived to tell the tale. <br/><br/>it was no wonder that karl thought i was dying, with all the chaos that surrounded me. i think the tears were called for. <br/><br/>but were they tears of joy? maybe. was he imagining a life without my nagging, my shoes being everywhere, and the pay out of the life insurance policy? probably. <br/><br/>once i was stable and feeling okay, he told me at least 100 times not to do that again. that was pretty cute. (but that was probably because the thought of having to cook his own dinner, and wash his own clothes scared him to death.) <br/><br/>but either way, how he was doting on my for the rest of the day made it so worth it. it was the silver lining of my near death experience. it has already worked as a bargaining chip! yesterday when we were laying on the couch trying to decide what to watch on tv i said, “omg! they are showing my favorite movie ‘BRING IT ON.’ we have to watch that.” <br/><br/>“no way” was his response. <br/><br/>“really, cause i almost died today.” i said trying it out for the first time. and so we got to watch that piece of cinematic gold where rival cheers squads duke it out at nationals.<br/><br/>i’m sure this “i almost died” will be used for years to come when trying to get out of chores, getting my way, or when ever else i see fit. that husband of mine is one lucky son-of-a-bitch. who wouldn’t want a wife who manipulates a near death experience to get her way? (note: the doctor called it a really bad fainting spell. but that won’t get me far. that’s why i’m calling it my near death experience. that has a better, more dramatic ring to it.)<br/><br/>in addition to a silver lining, i also have a moral to this story. during our first ivf egg collection, which was my first experience with the ‘intravenous booze’ i caught on to the fact that every time i let out a uncomfortable groan, the doctor would give me a bit more of the ‘booze’. and during that procedure, she went through about half of the allotted amount. <br/><br/>i made a note to self that went like this: “note to self, squirm and shriek a whole lot more next time to be sure to get the whole thing. i’m paying enough for this shit, and it’s the only fun part about the whole IVF process.”<br/><br/>and true to my word, i got the whole dosage. and then i almost died. there is a moral in there somewhere; you figure it out. i’m heading back to the couch...all this sitting up is making me dizzy. </article> <article> <h1>house keeping</h1> <p>Sat, 21 Aug 2010 22:21:53 +1000</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/8/21_house_keeping_files/housekeeping%20logo%281%29.jpg"></a>you know how when you go to a course or seminar they all start in the same exact way: “before we get started, i want to get some housekeeping out of the way. firstly, can everyone please turn off their phones, or put them on silent. the lunch break will be from 1-2, and bathrooms are located out through the double doors, and around to the left...” i hate how they use the word ‘housekeeping.’ hate it! barf. maybe because i’m adverse to real housekeeping, that when ever i hear the word, i start thinking of the dishes, laundry, and mopping floors; and then i start to cry.<br/><br/>but, for lack of a better word, here is some dishes, laundry, and floor mopping that i should mention before the rest of this entry:<br/><br/>this week we started our second month of IVF. round 2, ding ding. cue the hot busty, blond in a bikini walking around our house with a big sign with the number “2”. this time i won’t bore you, with every blow by blow, but i did want to warn you / write myself a get out of jail free ticket for any entries over the next few weeks. i went a bit loopy last time, so anything i say good, bad, or poop related please forgive me in advance. this morning i was reading the product information for the fertility drugs while eating breakfast, and i’m pretty sure that i can get away with murder just based on the side effects alone: “shortness of breath, wheezing, difficulty breathing, swelling of the face, lips, tongue or other body part; blood clots, numbness, stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, or diarrhoea (hmmm, i was blaming that on the indian food), stroke, enlargement of ovaries, screaming at your husband, crying like a baby, seriously considering never having kids but getting lots of cats and dogs instead. going bat shit crazy is expected, tell your poor husband to deal with it!” yowzers!<br/><br/>that was house keeping item #1. i’m on the drugs, and may be acting nutty. you’re shocked, right?<br/><br/>and secondly, the lunch break will be between 1-2. it doesn’t matter where the bathrooms are located, i’m not sharing my toilet with any of you drunken hobos. find your own. i am so not about to turn my house into a public bathroom. forget it!<br/><br/>well, this is kind of awkward!?! <br/><br/>could you imagine going to a lecture, hearing the ‘house keeping’ and then being sent home? <br/><br/>“please turn off your cell phones. tea and coffee will be served in the atrium, and now you can all go home. we are done here.”<br/><br/>yeah, i wrote the ‘house keeping’ stuff earlier today. we’ve since had a blood test and scan of my ovaries. it’s more than likely that we will be canceling this round of ivf. i’ll spare you the boring details, but i’m pretty bummed out. i’m not responding to the drugs the same way i did the first time. my stupid ovaries are being frugal with my eggs. gosh darn ovaries! we’ll know for sure on monday after more tests.<br/><br/>so, the 'house keeping' is all you get today. my ovaries apologise for any inconvenience. you are excused. don't forget to have you parking validated at reception. buh bye. </article> <article> <h1>...</h1> <p>Thu, 12 Aug 2010 20:35:42 +1000</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/8/12_..._files/facebook.jpg"></a>this week, one of my friends came out of the closet on facebook! i was so excited! i love gay boys, and i have secretly been waiting for him to do this. here is a screen shot of the announcement:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>in addition to leaving a comment (the fourth one) i also sent him a private message. i wanted him to know that i had his back:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>do people really have coming out parties? any excuse for a celebration is my motto! i couldn’t wait to hear back from him and checked my email every hour. here is his response:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>ummmm......yeah.....fuck!.....my heart and jaw were on the floor. i hate facebook! one of his stupid friends was playing a joke on him, and now i’m a total douche bag. “i’m not shocked”...”i knew in the first 5 minutes i met you”.....i suck!<br/><br/>i’ve tried calling him, but he is overseas until the end of the month. i guess that gives me enough time to figure out how to make this right with him. any suggestions?<br/><br/>is this how someone feels when they have asked “when is your due date“ to a women who isn’t pregnant?<br/><br/><br/> </article> <article> <h1>a confession, a warning, a tip, & a hubby story</h1> <p>Thu, 5 Aug 2010 19:40:03 +1000</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/8/5_a_confession,_a_warning,_a_tip,_%26_a_hubby_story_files/P1030772_1.jpg"></a><br/>a confession:<br/>you know how you normally soak a dirty dish in warm, soapy water before washing? yeah, i don’t do that. i let jess lick ‘em clean. if you have a dog, put them to work, that’s all i’m saying. and jess doesn’t even think it’s work, she thinks she has hit the jackpot! it keeps her entertained, saves water, and means i spend less time at the sink. the dog wins, the environment wins, and i win. non winners would be dog haters that come to my house for dinner, and to them i say tough tittys! jess has licked her way through every pot and pan in my kitchen. <br/><br/>this was tonight's dinner; she’s been working on this one for about 10 mins:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>(yes, we have pink linoleum floors in our new house. jealous?)<br/><br/>a warning:<br/>the music industry sometimes will use australia as a test market for a new artist. in recent memory, we had lady gaga and ke$ha before the u.s. there has been a song on the radio here that i feel i should warn you all about in case it has not yet made it to your shores. you will either hate this song with every fiber of your being, or you will love it, buy the single, and play it on repeat all day long. if i had to describe the song, i would say it fits into mexican/circus/techno genre. the group is “yolanda be cool” and the song is called “we no speak americano.” feast your ears on this (listen at least to the 30 second mark):<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>a tip:<br/>i heard today that your cell phone can have 18 times the number of germs than on the handle of a toilet in a mens bathroom!!! reread that sentence. you hold your phone in your hand, and against your face. i haven’t touched a public toilet handle since i was 8, and i’m certainly not going to rub my face on one. moral of this story, clean your cell phone with an antibacterial wipe, or use some white vinegar on a paper towel to kill germs at least once a week.<br/><br/>also on the germ front, you should microwave your dish cloth or sponge for 2 minutes every other day to kill the bacteria. if your sponge never dries out, it is a breeding ground for yuck. i learned this on oprah.<br/><br/>a hubby story:<br/>the other day i made a pie. guess what my husband used to cut the pie? this knife:<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>(yes, we have pink formica counter tops to match our pink floors. now you’re really jealous!)<br/><br/>i have around 10 knives in this house, and this would have to be the worst one he could have possibly chosen. good for chopping herbs, not pies! he would have had an easier time with my bread knife, paring knife, steak knife, carving knife, a freaking butter knife for pete’s sake! he is so funny/useless in the kitchen. <br/><br/>alright, that’s it. carry on with whatever you were doing before. nothing left to see. go on, get out of here! </article> <article> <h1>i’m back</h1> <p>Sun, 1 Aug 2010 19:52:56 +1000</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/8/1_i%E2%80%99m_back_files/232323232fp53698%3Enu%3D3266%3E286%3E-88%3EWSNRCG%3D344-92367%3B32%3Cnu0mrj_2.jpg"></a>hello friends! i’m back. not to worry; i’m okay. i haven’t thrown myself off a bridge or stolen a baby from a hospital...yet... <br/><br/>of course we were disappointed with the ivf results, but we are positive for our next round. that will probably start in about 2 weeks. i promise not to mention anything about my reproductive organs until that time. the last 6 entries have all centered around my uterus, which yikes, means only one thing: it’s been way too long since i’ve talked about poop!!!!! (sorry, mom) <br/><br/>today i want to tell a story about one of my best friends. you know how people talk about their “friend” but they are really talking about themselves...not the case here. trust me, if this was my story i’d claim it. but sadly it’s not. this “friend” i’m not going to name or even use her initials. but what i will do is call her “rhonda.”<br/><br/>renaming this entry: rhonda gets the runs<br/><br/>once upon a time rhonda decided that she wanted to partake in the san francisco fun run called ‘bay to breakers.’ it’s an annual 7 mile run that brings the crazy people out in mass. here are a few pics i found on google images to give you an idea of what happens on the day.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/>totally crazy but totally fun. so, rhonda was about half way into this thing when her stomach started to rumble. panic set in, and she knew she had to find a toilet and fast. luck would have it that a port-a-pottie was near by. me, being the recovering germa-phobe that i am, would rather find the closest pharmacy, buy adult diapers and crap in them, instead of using one of those stinky, disgusting, portable germ boxes. but this, again, is not my story.<br/><br/>rhonda went into the port-a-pottie, holding her breath and hovering above the seat. that’s when her bowels let loose. she had, what she described as, explosive diarrhea. so explosive that people waiting in line could hear her, and started laughing at the noise that was coming out of her back side. so embarrassing!<br/><br/>having to use a public bathroom is bad enough; having to go #2 is icing on a really bad cake; the #2 being diarrhea makes a horrible situation even worse, THEN realizing there is no toilet paper - OMG!!! the squirts with no paper??? shoot me now. AND THEN when you are finished, pulling up your g string and having to walk another 4 miles!!! <br/><br/>can you even imagine the skid mark damage??? if your house was across the street, that would still be too far to walk with a poo encrusted bit of cloth up your ass, let alone four freaking miles!!! i’m pretty sure she threw that unfortunate bit of fabric away as soon as she got home. at least lets hope she did!<br/><br/>let this image be the last thing that goes through your mind when you lay in bed tonight....i’m back you drunken hobos, and now i bet you’re wishing i wasn’t. </article> <article> <h1>nope</h1> <p>Sat, 17 Jul 2010 09:33:14 +1000</p> <a href="http://web.me.com/brooke5000/whatsablog.com/home/Entries/2010/7/17_nope_files/negative+pregnancy+test.jpg"></a>negative.<br/><br/>not pregnant.<br/><br/>after we got the call with the bad news, there was a lot of tears. a lot of ‘why me?’ a lot of ‘lifes not fair.’ a lot of wondering ‘what went wrong?’ <br/><br/>then there was a lot of wine. and with the wine there was a fair amount of whine. <br/><br/>it totally sucks, but i’m doing okay. i’m so glad that my mom has been here with me. a mommy’s hug can go a long way.<br/><br/>we will take one or two months off, and then go again. we won’t take no for an answer. </article> </main></body></html>