Westside Post

out of the darkness

admin — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:29:53 +0000

It’s Halloween and tonight the clocks fall back an hour shifting the season toward winter and shortening the light at the end of our day. It feels symbolic as recovery often becomes a reminder of the darkness of the past and moving toward lighter places in our lives. One of my colleagues once said that recovery is really about mending broken hearts — those of our clients and of ourselves. Not only do I find this very accurate, but it reminds us how this is a dynamic process about expansion, hope and living life on life’s terms.

Recently, a speaker at a meeting shared that his growing edge was to learn how to receive love. After many years of working a 12step program, he feels that it’s still so painstaking to really take in the love offered to him. And this is where the lightness shows up. A lightness about the journey. A lightness to receive. A lightness to give. And a lightness to be very gentle and patient as the process is a lifelong one–not one to be grasped overnight.

As the darker season is upon us, I suggest that you pay attention to the lightness around you and inside of you.

Where you end and the other begins

admin — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 02:42:20 +0000

Someone once told me that one way of envisioning boundaries is “where you end and the other begins.” This seems like a clear visual of knowing how to differentiate between yourself and others. Part of recovery is about establishing healthier boundaries, and this is a challenge and an opportunity to discover your availability in relationships and how to navigate requests. Asking yourself the question “How do I choose to be available?” instead of “What do others want from me?” can be a clear place to start.

Most of us have generosity of spirit within us, but if our generosity turns into self-neglect, it usually leads to resentment and burnout leaving you ineffectual to everyone. To truly bring your quality self to the table, think about what will leave you feeling balanced and peaceful with your choices. Will this leave you feeling serene or depleted? A lot to consider, but worthwhile as you determine your availability–emotionally, physically and spiritually. Don’t be afraid to be of service–one of the greatest tools of recovery–but check it out within yourself before you move forward.

navigating the waters

admin — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 03:39:45 +0000

At times old trauma can reappear when you least expect it. It can be as simple as old family patterns that are “acted out” in front of you while you’re trying to disengage. Or it can show up when a current situation or person resembles a traumatic moment from your past. Either way, it’s an opportunity to navigate these tricky waters and not fall into the same old minefields that appear in front of you.

Recently, my family has converged around a crisis with one of my siblings–as a result, there is way more contact with family than usual. Because I left the East Coast over 21 years ago with the intention of establishing distance, it’s a bit of a shock to the system to once again witness the chaos and struggle in front of me. Don’t get me wrong. My family loves each other more or less, but we’ve never learned how to love one another. And the dilemma keeps showing up again and again.

In recovery we learn to establish healthier boundaries, and it’s not only ok to detach with compassion but is sometimes essential to show up at all if you choose to be of service.

connection vs. isolation

admin — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 17:49:02 +0000

A client of mine recently shared with me that her recovery is based on connection vs. isolation. She’s been in the program for 8 years and felt like she had been drifting a bit from her connection to her fellowship. As we continued to take a closer look at her recent drop in energy level, it became clear that her dis-connection from program coincided with her dis-connection from herself, her passions and her vitality. When it became clearer and clearer that this had been the case, it revealed the simple truth that her presence in the 12step rooms and her connections to those in her fellowship strongly influenced her overall well-being and life balance. This realization gave her a sense of hope and newfound direction.

Sometimes the simplest things can be forgotten, and it may take a friendly reminder and a bit of open-heartedness to re-discover what really matters. As a result of the simple gifts of program, my client renewed her outlook, refreshed her connections and re-committed to what gives her life meaning.

my people

admin — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 16:10:37 +0000

As I continue to “get the word out” about coaching and Recovery Coaching, it seems to me that there are those who get it and those who don’t. It’s always clear when someone gets it–it’s as if a light bulb goes on above their head and they have been “turned on” to the idea of how coaching works and how it can possibly benefit them and/or their clients. These are the folks I call “my people”.

The other group, of course, is those who don’t get it. These are not “my people.” As a colleague of mine once told me, “it’s my job in life to find my people.” And then it’s essential to cultivate those strategic alliances.

As we continue to educate the world about coaching, I feel it’s my calling to be an educator and to be one of the many voices among voices sharing our passion for Recovery Coaching and its tremendous value to the world.

the three bears

admin — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 23:12:19 +0000

July 18, 2009

Coaching those in early recovery takes patience. Patience on the part of the client and patience on the part of the coach. I relate this to the children’s story “Goldilocks and the Three Bears”. If the coaching goes too quickly, it may be too much, too soon. If the coaching moves too slowly, it may create no energy and go nowhere. But the art is finding the right temperature and moving together at the right pace whatever that may be. This may take some trial and error but ultimately allows the client to find their true rhythm at this point in their recovery.

Traditionally addicts tend to seek immediate gratification and want everything yesterday — so it may be helpful to take a moment to explain to them your respect for where they are in their recovery and the reason that you’re helping them find their pace even if it does feel a bit slow at times. Creating stretch goals but also looking at ways to stay grounded and realistic is also part of the new balance they will experience as they experiment with how it feels to accomplish their goals in sobriety.

Early recovery is a time of discovery. A time of experiencing oneself as capable and competent possibly for the first time in a very long time — if ever.

greater than myself

admin — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 15:27:14 +0000

July 11. 2009

Through the years I’ve always grappled with the meaning of God or a Higher Power in my life, but recently it seems that the words, “a power greater than myself” have taken on a new, fresh meaning. Getting out of my own way and making room for something more is all I really have to do.

I feel like my connection to something bigger than me has been growing over these past 15 years and even before that, but recently the words tend to vibrate in a different way than ever before. It seems that I’m more open-hearted to the limitless possibilities of what this means in my life, and as a result, I know on a deeper level that I truly know so little.

It’s certainly been freeing and humbling to surrender in this way, and I feel so grateful for the chance to not only notice when this connection is present but to cultivate this relationship in ways that liberate me to be more of who I am. Whether it be nature, loved ones, pets or the wisdom of those in program, really taking in the gifts of connectedness to the world as we experience it is where vitality grows.

The Numbers are Growing

admin — Sun, 31 May 2009 01:35:50 +0000

As most of you know, I co-founded Recovery Coaches International (RCI) in September 1995. Back then I would walk down to the corner post office here in Santa Monica to retrieve new memberships and dues, make deposits at my local bank and balance the books by hand. Since that time the energy, efforts and momentum have grown substantially.

This year we’re establishing ourselves as a recognized non-profit entity as we move in the direction of organizing and expanding our vision. We also have a devoted team of officers and Board of Directors as RCI continues to be a dynamic grassroots organization finding its bigger voice throughout our country and beyond.

Last month we formalized our growing database and put out invitations to become part of our community as members and/or supporters. I’m super excited about the formation of a quarterly ezine which I’ll be coordinating, and we continue to look for ways of collectively spreading the word while educating others about the benefits of coaching those in any stage of addiction recovery.

I welcome all of you to learn more about us and become a part of this movement so please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions, ideas or just want to compare notes.

Feeling the Earth Move

admin — Tue, 19 May 2009 04:20:52 +0000

Last night we had a relatively small earthquake here in Southern California, and no matter how many of them I’ve experienced, it always feels like a stark reminder of the power, magnificence and unpredictability of our planet. As a result, the delicate nature of life and mortality also comes into clearer focus. When I visited Kilauea last summer (the active volcano on the Big Island of Hawaii), I was awestruck, and in a smaller way, the earthquake also takes me into the wonder of nature and falsifies the idea that somehow we have any control over our environment.

After 21 years of living in Los Angeles and witnessing every imaginable natural disaster, I’ve grown to believe that these so-called tragedies are part of the natural evolution of the earth, and we simply chose to develop this metropolis in a highly-vulnerable region. By choosing to settle here, I choose to live with the earth moving from time to time, the wildfires raging every fire season, the mudslides often following the fires and sometimes flooding when an “El Niño” year is upon us.

Accepting life on life’s terms and making informed choices based on these factors is often the best we can do. So if you feel the Earth move beneath you, just remember that it’s a reminder of being alive and another chance to take stock of what really matters.

Grandma’s 3 Questions

admin — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 00:14:38 +0000

After 12 days of living with this cold, a few things have dawned on me. First of all, it’s a nuisance and an inconvenience. Secondly, it has served as a reminder to slow down which I do appreciate from time to time. And third, it helps me reminisce about my grandmother. Rose was her name and she lived for almost 90 years — and died in 1998 just 3 months shy of her 90th. Whenever I reflect on my inner coach team, Grandma is always sitting at the head of the table because she was coaching others well before coaching was even called coaching. If she had a specialty area, it was always about life balance and impeccable self-care. And here is an example of her simplicity and clarity:

After I moved to Los Angeles in 1988 we would talk every Saturday morning, and she would always ask me 3 questions:

Are you eating right?
Are you getting enough rest?
Are you working too hard?

I’m forever grateful to my grandmother and carry her with me wherever I go. As a result of having her in my life, I now ask myself these questions on a regular basis, and I hope that you’ll do the same.