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Weekend Wrap Up

2009-11-10T08:08:00.016-05:00

This weekend was my birthday, which was pretty uneventful compared to last year. Last year happened to be a 'landmark' birthday, so there was a good deal of celebrating. Now I'm just "in my ___s." The landmark birthday is never such a bummer because there's so much hoopla. It's the year after that gets to me.

I think I'm technically middle age now. Agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

This was me last year, not looking a day over 39 3/4.

Last year my family had a nice party for me. So did a group of my friends. I even went out the night of my actual birthday with my neighbors (kinda an accident that it was planned on my birthday, but hey I'll take it) and I got my free icecream sundae with a side of humiliation at TGIFridays.

But this year it was very low key. A few calls. Zero fanfare. Most of the wishes were on facebook and here. God bless social networking! My husband and I were not able to go out alone since our only babysitter is in Mexico right now and we have no family near by. Plan B was for ALL of us to go out to a restaraunt. Unfortunately, Tink thwarted those plans when she decided to spike a fever. Plan C: Japanese food at home. We had ice cream cake and an off-key rendition of Happy Birthday on Sunday.

My husband gave me a basket of bath/lotion smelly things. He chose the White Tea scent, somehow remembering that I said I loved that once a long time ago. Sometimes, he surprises me like that, when I don't even think he's paying attention to the little details.

Pink said to me "Mom, the best birthday present is us, right? That you have your kids here with you?" Her voice kind of choked up with emotion when she said it, as if she already knew at age 4 how much truth was in her words.

It's hard to be bummed about age when you're this blessed and happy.

Autumn Leaves

2009-11-08T15:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't had to pick up a rake in 5 years. I'm making up for it now.

Holy Leaves.

But, this kinda makes raking them up a little more bearable.

Give Me A Childish Moment...

2009-11-07T09:41:00.000-05:00

Remember my car accident trifecta? Well, the ONE (out of 3) accidents that actually was NOT my fault was the one that was proving to be the most stressful, long, drawn out and ugly. AND most expensive and extensive in way of damages. This was the one where a guy parked on the side of the road and opened his car door into traffic - into ME as I was driving by unable to notice him.

He proved to be a giant jerk... an intimidating, bully-type, giant jerk. Even his insurance claim agent from his OWN insurance company had some off-record negative commentary about him.

At one point this jerky guy left us an irritable phone message. After a long diatribe where he ranted on and on about ME being a liar, he said something to the effect of "It's in God's hands now" and that "God" would determine who was the honest one.

Oh, you're going THERE?!?! Whatever, dude.

Well, guess what? Not only did the police officer think it was 100% his fault, and every other lawyer/law enforcement person we spoke to AND my insurance company deduce it was his fault merely by the way the damage was on both our cars (pretty much indisputable)... and then HIS insurance company just recently agreed to pay 95% of our $1,000 deductible. Ergo - his fault. We could have gone to arbitration for the full 100%, but we just want to put it behind us.

So, he wanted to leave it in "God's hands?" Let the Big G decide guilt and blame? Well, I'm pretty sure God was really too busy to get involved in this nonsense, but, if The Almighty WAS involved, I guess He has spoken.

And in dignity and grace I say humbly:

In. Your. FACE!

And, now it's time to sing and dance:
Go me-ee.. it's my birthday... God loves me mo-ore... it's my birthday... you're a big fat liar... it's my birthday....nanananana.... you're a stinky jerk head...

...I'm doing the running man... now I'm churning the butter...

Oh yeah... Oh yeah....

November Is National Family Caregiver Month

2009-11-06T08:45:00.004-05:00

In honor of National Family Caregiver Month, Care.com is opening up their site for free to everyone this weekend, November 6-8th.

Care.com provides a trusted place for families and caregivers (babysitters, nannies, special needs caregivers, tutors, senior caregivers) to easily connect and get advice. The service enables families to find and select the best care possible based on detailed profiles, background checks, and references for hundreds of thousands of caregivers who are seeking to share their services.

Don't forget to nominate a special caregiver in the Care.com Care Hero contest either! They, and you as the nominee, can win some amazing prizes!!

tHERsDay

2009-11-05T12:00:00.001-05:00

Thursday's HER Day. For all the pictures where she's left out. For all the vacations and parties where she is not present. I'm giving her a little weekly press. Just because it's Thursday.
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There's nothing like a good balloon.

Out Of The Overflow Of The Heart, The Mouth Speaks

2009-11-04T11:47:00.008-05:00

My blogger-friend Corrie shared this bible verse with me when commenting on the "Is Shouting The New Spanking" post.

Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

Could there be anything more true?

I like to think I'm a kind, nice, forgiving, loving person. I like to think this. But sometimes, what comes out of my mouth...

... and to the ears of the people I love the most. Or need my love the most.

When my words have themes of self-centeredness, judgmentalness, sarcasm, bitterness, and criticism, I fear for what is in my heart.

So, to change the words, I suppose one must look into the heart.
I just wish I wasn't so afraid of what I might find in there.

Is Shouting The New Spanking?

2009-11-02T21:20:00.014-05:00

I'm a yeller. I yell when I'm feeling rushed, frustrated, upset at other things, tired and overwhelmed. I yell not when my kids are being "bad" but more when I don't have the inner resources to cope with them being the 5, 3, 1 year olds that they are. In these moments, I don't just yell, I scream like a psychotic woman. It's seriously a scene from Mommy Dearest. While it effectively stops any annoying, obnoxious behavior the kids were engaging in, it probably does so because it totally freaks them out and/or devastates them into tears of fear and shock. I then experience "shouters remorse" for 2 days straight.

Though I am a yeller/screamer, I hate myself when I do it. But, in the grand scheme of parenting, yelling seems like a basic behavior management technique in the tool bag of most parents. Yelling, to a certain extent, is part of childhood, normalized and (as long as it doesn't go too far) socially accepted. Spanking, on the other hand, has always been more of a hot topic.

Well NOW it is suggested that yelling may be just as harmful as spanking... and perhaps, as Amy McCready suggests, yelling is the "new spanking." This very topic is discussed in a very compelling and sobering article in the New York Times by Hilary Stout entitled "Shouting Is The New Spanking." The article considers the potential harmful consequences of yelling at our children and points out that negative words given in harsh, overly critical and punitive tones added up over time are not only ineffective in managing problematic behavior but may also hurt a child's esteem, sense of self, and interpersonal interactions.

What really hit home to me was the analogy that if someone yells at us... a spouse, a friend, a co-worker, a stranger, it is a very emotionally laden experience and can often pierce us, anger us, confuse us, or make us feel threatened, unsafe, or not cared about, depending on the circustances and the words used. While we as adults know how unpleasant being yelled at is for us, this article points out how common place it is to see yelling, nitpicking, sarcasm, and snapping occuring daily with our children (mine are certainly no exception). Perhaps it is because only children can push your sanity to the edge...

A Professor on the Study of Interpersonal Acceptance and Rejection discusses how it isn't the yelling per se, but how the yelling is interpreted by that child. If it connotes anger, insult or sarcasm, it can be pereceived as rejection and have problematic effects. He doesn't beat around the bush, stating "Don't yell" and sites yelling as a risk factor for families.

Um, Yikes. I don't just yell "per se." I go for the gusto. I can get just plain nasty.

Double yikes.

What do YOU think? I'm interested in your opinions! To read this article, look over in my sidebar and find the Juice Box Jungle Widget. Wait until the graphic says "NY Times Shouting Vs. Spanking" (the widget flashes through several different images) and click to read the NY Times article - a short and provocative read. Take their poll too regarding spanking. Leave me your thoughts if you're so inclined. Especially if they relieve my insane guilt for ruining the lives of my children.

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-11-01T22:22:00.006-05:00

Saturday full of candy and fun with the girls

And a Sunday Baptism - That's me with the baby, a first time Godmother!!

A Day Of Halloween Parades

2009-10-31T10:19:00.003-04:00

The day began with Pink's Kindergarten parade...

Then over to CB's parade

to see one pissed off witch.

Nominate A "Care Hero" on Care.com

2009-10-29T12:30:00.002-04:00

Know An Amazing Caregiver? Nominate Him or Her for The Care Hero Contest Sponsored By Care.com. They could win $500.00 in prizes and YOU the nominee could win $100.00 too!

Care.com wants to reward an exceptional caregiver who is also a Care Hero! Beginning October 29th, you’ll be able to nominate a caregiver who deserves to be called a Care Hero by visiting www.facebook.com/caredotcom and nominating them. Share their photo and a short story of why you think they should win, then make sure to get your friends involved — the comments on your nominee’s photo will help them win the contest!

At the end of November, Care.com will choose a Grand Prize winner to be the 2010 Care.com Care Hero. The winning caregiver will receive a $500 "Care Package" including hotel stay, tickets to a show, and dinner courtesy of Care.com!. As a thank you, they're giving the nominator of the winning Care Hero a $100 restaurant gift certificate as well. Plus, they will choose weekly caregiver winners who will each receive a $100 restaurant gift certificate. If you nominated a weekly winner, you will receive a free, 3-month Premium Membership to Care.com.

Care.com provides a trusted place for families and caregivers (babysitters, nannies, special needs caregivers, tutors, senior caregivers) to easily connect and get advice. The service enables families to find and select the best care possible based on detailed profiles, background checks, and references for hundreds of thousands of caregivers who are seeking to share their services.

So come to Facebook, share a photo of your Care Hero, and tell us what they've done! And be sure to thank them during National Family Caregiver Month!

I'm a Spicy Pickle!

2009-10-28T21:36:00.000-04:00

I wanted to thank Corrie at Just Because My Pickle Talks Doesn't Make Me And Idiot. She created some adorable awards (she's so creative!) and I received this awesome one for my post "Goody Bag Guilt."

Corrie is a passionate, fun, creative blogger and mother of 3. Her middle child is diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I love stopping by her blog and you will too! Go over and tell her I said "hi."

Please, all of you in my sidebar and those whom I read, grab a Spicy Pickle Award - I nominate ALL of you! Pass it on and make sure to show some link luv to Corrie and her Talking Pickle!

The Invisible Disabilities: Are They Treated Fairly?

2009-10-27T17:35:00.028-04:00

Or, Why I Hate The Beeachay At Crappy Lab Corp
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"You can just wait like everyone else" a sour faced receptionist shot at me. "You mothers of Autistic kids always come in here expecting special treatment when your children are just as capable of waiting in line as any other child is."

No. She. Didn't. She didn't just go there.

These words were spoken to me 5 years ago but still feel like a fresh wound every time I go back to get CB's blood drawn. This is the story, told as if it were yesterday because sometimes that's how it feels...

It's 7:05 am at a Lab Corp facility where I need to get CB's blood drawn to check her med levels. The tiny, sterile waiting area is wall to wall with people, spilling out into the halls. The wait is likely close to an hour. CB, very severe on the autistic spectrum, does not handle crowds, cramped spaces, uncertainty, waiting, and other general realities of life very well. As she is utterly non-verbal, she has no other way to communicate her discomfort other than behavioral meltdown. I'm completely in a panic and feel the hundred eyes in the waiting room on me and my "different" child. People shift nervously in their seats as my daughter jumps, squeals, moans, drools, hits, and otherwise does not act like a typical citizen in a typical waiting room on a typical day. I feel like I have to apologize for being out in public. For corrupting everyone's "normal" lives with the abnormality of our presence.

When I realize the length of the wait, the conditions of the waiting area, and CB's difficulty with such sensory overload, I start to deliberate whether or not I should ask the staff people if any accommodations can be made for my daughter. Flushed, feeling conspicuous, fragile, and anxious I go to the front desk seeking assistance, empathy, and yes, I suppose a little special treatment. What I get is the quote from "Sally" with which I opened this post. "You can just wait like everyone else. You mothers of Autistic kids always come in here expecting special treatment when your children are just as capable of waiting in line as any other child is."

She can wait like any other child? No, you compassionless, ignorant shrew, that is the problem! She CANNOT wait like any other child. If she COULD I wouldn't be standing here in front of you humbling myself asking you for assistance! She is NOT any other child. She is not in control of herself. Her AUTISM is in control. Her brain is structurally different. She has the diagnoses of: chronic static encephalopathy, generalized seizure disorder, severe to profound mental retardation, and Autistic Disorder. She is disabled. She looks relatively "normal," but she is disabled. She cannot dress herself, bathe herself, brush her own teeth, open a container, buckle or unbuckle her seatbelt, manage her menses, cut up her food, talk... I mean, she eats her own sh*t for God's sake! DIS. AB. LED. She cannot "wait" in this overcrowded, fluorescently lit waiting room without making everyone's life a living hell. She is not spoiled. She is not poorly disciplined. She has Autism and cognitive impairments. Ever hear of it?

The audacity of me to request a little special attention! I am so sorry. How dare I cash in on a no-wait pass at Disney or a little respite care through Division of Developmental Disabilities. What a heinous, self-serving mother I am! And, to expect a little help at a facility that provides patient care? I am so used to getting my ass kissed because of my child's special needs that it certainly makes living with Autism so rewarding! Boy I'm making out like a bandit, alright. I get to cut in line at Lab Corp, which certainly counterbalances the fact that I also get to clean up her almost daily fecal smears, worry about her running into traffic, spend about a billion dollars to take care of her the rest of her life, and manage every aspect of her self care. I get to stress about the severe seizure disorder that has landed her in the hospital numerous times starting at 4 months of age. A seizure disorder that could realistically be the death of her. Please forgive me for my selfish request. I am not worthy. She is not worthy. She's only autistic after all. She'll manage. We'll sit and wait like everyone else, because after all, we ARE like everyone else, aren't we?!?

This whole thing made me wonder if this type of attitude was reserved for the disabilities that are less physical and perhaps less easily understood? The Invisible Disabilities. Had CB been in a wheelchair, hooked up on monitors, missing a limb or blind, would I have encountered the same resistance? I'm not sure. Maybe this particular woman was such a Beeeachay that I would have. But it seems to me, anecdotally at least, that when a child has ADHD, Conduct Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Autistic Spectrum Disorder (especially "high functioning), Tourette's, or a psychiatric diagnosis sometimes people interpret the behavior as "within that child's (or parent's) control." At times, the less disabled you LOOK, the less accommodations and understanding you are given. At TIMES. Certainly, this is the exception. But when it DOES happen, it shatters you.

Clearly, in this case, the extent of CB's disabilites were "invisible" to Sally and therefore my daughter was deemed undeserving of any accommodations. If everyone else has to wait an hour, CB can wait an hour too. Now, I'm certainly not against CB being treated "like everyone else." In fact, that's my lifelong goal. BUT, I guess there is a caveat. Give her the same opportunites and value her quality of life the same as "everyone else." Treat her with the respect and dignity "everyone else" deserves. But, when she needs accommodations, give her a break! The kid didn't ask to be born this way. Can you throw us a bone?

So, what's next Miss Sally? Will a person confined to a wheelchair have the audacity to ask for a ramp? Will a blind person have the presumption to ask for signs in Braille or permission to bring their seeing eye dog into the waiting room? Last time I checked, accommodating disabilities was the law. Last time I checked, Autism and cognitive impairments were disabilities.

Who knew ignorance could be such a lethal weapon? Wielded like a dagger, it aims for the heart. Slashing at a wound as invisible as Autism itself. A wound that never stops hemorrhaging.

* This was originally posted on Autism Sucks

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-10-26T15:07:00.012-04:00

This weekend was all about fusion. It was a weekend of running around, work, lack of sleep, and new house purchases and decisions. But, it was also a weekend of decadence.

Am I the best Mom ever making these pancakes? SOMEBODY thinks so!

And I got a night out on the town with my sister. We went to Steven Star's pod in Philly. I cannot express enough how awesome this food was! Asian fusion. Swanky environment -uber modern, sushi conveyor belt, and even if you don't have to take a piss, go to the bathrooms because they are so freakin' cool! The whole place reminds me of a fusion between Woody Allen's Sleeper and the Jetson's.

This was the best desserts I've ever had. Crispy spring roll wrapper lightly fried to a crunch and stuffed with peanut butter and fluff (yes, a fluffernutter, that's all gooey and warm and melty) with a side of dark chocolate for dipping. How's that for fusion? Random, yes. But dude, it works.

Falling For Fall

2009-10-25T14:44:00.002-04:00

More Awards!!! Whooo Hooooo!!!

2009-10-24T21:08:00.007-04:00

I was recently awarded 2 blog awards: One Lovely Blog Award was given to me by Erika over at The Flight Of Our Hummingbird. The Over The Top Award was also given to me by BOTH Erika AND BJ from the sensational blog For What It's Worth... Or Not.

First, I want to thank Erika whose blog touches my heart and soul with its sincerity, strength, vulnerability, and beautiful writing. I also want to thank BJ whose blog is a new find for me. It is a breath of fresh air, beautiful to the eye, and full of humor, fun, and real life. Thank you guys both for being my supportive readers and such wonderful, talented bloggers!

Now, I'm passing both of these awards on to these well-deserving AWESOME bloggers and encourage you all to hop over and visit each one! You'll keep coming back for more, I promise!
Away We Go
Just Because My Pickle Talks Doesn't Make Me An Idiot
The Phamily Blog
The Bon Bon Gazette
Becoming a Work From Home Mom: A Journey To Freedom
To those who have been given these 2 awards... Write a post and proudly display your awards! If you'd like, you can pass on the award to other bloggers you know. In your post, copy this meme below (or whatever the heck its called) and answer the following questions, for no reason whatsoever. Hey, I don't make this stuff up, I just follow the directions:

1. Where is your cell phone? good question

2. Your hair? dirty, uncombed and in desperate need of color

3. Your mother? a trip

4. Your father? a surgeon

5. Your favorite food? sushi, seafood, ice cream, and anything chocolate.

6. Your dream last night? I forget now

7. Your favorite drink? diet pepsi, frozen pina coladas, hot caramel apple cider

8. Your dream/goal? survive the day. Oh, and get a book published. In that order.

9. What room are you in? CB's room because thats the only place for the computer

10. Your hobby? writing/blogging

11. Your fear? child abduction, no afterlife, and that Bush will get back in office

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? with my husband and children

13. Where were you last night? home

14. Something that you aren't? sane

15. Muffins? sure, why not?

16. Wish list item? CB out of diapers

17. Where did you grow up? Suburbs of Philly

18. Last thing you did? cooked dinner

19. What are you wearing? A wetsuit with a pink tutu. WTH?

20. Your TV? off

21. Your pets? none

22. Friends? my support system

23. Your life? pretty bleepin' GREAT!

24. Your mood? improving

25. Missing someone? nope

26. Vehicle? smashed up

27. Something you’re not wearing? a coat? this is so dumb

28. Your favorite store? ummmm, i dont shop for me anymore

29. Your favorite color? sage green

30. When was the last time you laughed? yesterday

31. Last time you cried? dont remember... but probably reading Rhema's Hope because I always cry when I read it.

32. Your best friend? my husband

33. One place that I go to over and over? Insanityville? Oh, and the grocery store

34. One person who emails me regularly? more than one

35. Favorite place to eat? ummmmm.... don't go out to eat either

Wow. I'm such a super exciting person I just can't stand it!

Plant A Seed And Watch It Grow

2009-10-23T14:29:00.008-04:00

When we were at the playground, I showed the girls an interesting seed pod from a tree. Inside, were tiny black seeds. The girls eagerly "planted" them in the ground before we left. As I packed up our things and we began walking back to the car, Tink ran back over to where she planted her seed and hunched down over it, looking intensely. I called out to her "Tink! C'mon! What are you doing over there?"

She stood up and started running back shouting proudly:
"I needed to water my seed... so I spit on it!"
Ummmm.... creative problem solving?

Blogging For A Cause: Support "Dress For Success" By Making Every Cup Count

2009-10-22T11:23:00.000-04:00

Dress For Success is an international non-profit organization helping disadvantaged women across the globe find jobs and stay employed. Their mission is "to promote the economic independence of disadvantaged women by providing professional attire, a network of support, and the career development tools to help women thrive in work and life."

Together, Nestlé COFFEE-MATE® and Dress for Success are sharing a new initiative geared toward providing encouragement to women seeking jobs while also supplying some helpful money-saving tips to all of us in these difficult economic times.

Nestlé COFFEE-MATE® has committed to donating $50,000 to Dress for Success. But with a little help from you, up to $150,000 can be raised!

What Can You Do To Help? Simply send a Cup of Confidence note to help inspire a Dress for Success client. COFFEE-MATE® will then donate fifty cents to Dress for Success for every "cup of confidence" note sent. Your note will actually be given to a woman who participates in the Dress for Success program for inspiration on how to thrive in work and in life. You can donate an additional $.50 for sharing the program on your social media pages such as Facebook by posting the badge found at www.coffee-mate.com/cup!

If you visit the “chat for change section” on Coffee-Mate.com you’ll not only receive money saving tips but also help others succeed and prosper. It's such an easy way to give and help. So please, send a Cup of Confidence note, calculate your own savings, and make every cup count!

Vanishing Acts

2009-10-21T08:03:00.000-04:00

When I was pregnant with Rella and went in for our first ultrasound, we got a big surprise... there was a twin. This twin, whose existence was unknown to us until that very moment, had only been alive for about 8 weeks. So, in the moment I found out I was carrying twins I was also finding out I had lost one. An odd feeling, to say the least. Certainly, this was not at ALL the same as losing a child... we went into the ultrasound believing I was carrying one healthy baby and I left knowing I was carrying one healthy baby. I would never ever describe this as a loss of a child or a miscarriage... yet to my embarrassment, I had to go into the hospital's hallway bathroom and blurt out a short, chest-heaving cry.

It was a phenomenon called a "Vanishing Twin." Apparently, rather common yet generally people don't even know they HAD the twin growing in their belly unless they had a super early ultrasound. Interestingly, it seems to be most common when you are of "Advanced Maternal Age" *eye roll* which I was for my last 3 pregnancies. In the "old" days, you'd NEVER know without the benefit of our current technology. Now, they can tell you and I'm not sure it's even worth it. Somethings may be better left to ignorance. The thing with the Vanishing Twin is that the body re-absorbs the embryo over time until it disappears. Vanishes into the body. By the time of the last trimester, there is no physical trace that a potential life was here then gone.

I remember after I got home that night, I was backtracking to the time the doctor said the twin stopped showing signs of life. I guess, technically the day I "miscarried" her. I immediately knew the day it must have happened. I had worked out at my gym, as I did throughout the whole pregnancy. One evening I had felt particularly crampy to the point I had to lay down in bed. I even complained about it to my husband... something very unusual for me because I have very nice pregnancies and never complain about being pregnant OR lay down before 9:00 pm. I thought about how if I just didn't lift weights so much that day, that maybe right now Rella would be giggling with her sister. Of course, I say SISTER because my womb seems to be a hostile environment for testosterone. Or perhaps, that should give me reason to believe that it was a boy, which is why my body revolted against him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is knowing what I know about Vanishing Twins, it's like, they are never really completely viable in the first place. Which is why they don't make it. It's like, they never really had a chance, which I find profoundly sad. A brief little life that begins and ends in darkness. I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent the vanishing act, so I feel no guilt. It was in the cards. The DNA. The Master Plan.

But there is another vanishing act that has occurred which I have a harder time reconciling. It's much harder not to wonder if what I did pre-natally had an effect on CB... particularly when I did not know I was pregnant until I was 22 weeks along. And, as a 24 year old, single girl hanging out with my single friends, obviously I was not taking care of myself the way a knowingly pregnant woman would. Even after her diagnosis there were many things I should have done differently and I wonder if her functionng level would have been higher had I been a better, more proactive mother instead of a selfish, distracted, and naive, depressed one. In short, I have lived 14 years under the unbearable weight of guilt.

But, couldn't it be that all of this was pre-ordained? Written in the stars? No matter what I did or did not do, her fate was to be this? While I can accept adult responsibility for the past, guilt is neither productive nor loving. Guilt cannot change the past or the future. It just constricts your air and strangles your limited energy. While I'm not letting myself completely off the hook, I'm starting to recognize that perhaps I was not entirely responsible for her neurological and developmental situation. And to the extent I didn't behave in the most productive ways with her post-diagnosis, I have to remember I was a child (not necessarily in age, but in maturity), surprised with unplanned motherhood and "trapped" in a quite unhealthy marriage with a man I did not love... or love enough. I, in short, was not at my best.

Like Rella's twin, an unknown soul who silently faded away before she barely began, perhaps CB's disabilities were inevitable. Despite my actions, attempts, love, and faith, the baby I knew and the life I thought we would share would slowly vanish before my eyes. Becoming part of my cells, whispering to me between the beats of my heart.

Only this time, I didn't have the protection of ignorance. This time, I got to fall in love with her before she disappeared.

"When Two Words Collide" Is Over On NJ Moms Blog

2009-10-20T08:34:00.007-04:00

A neighbor of ours puts up a huge blow up lawn display for Halloween every year. It is an enormous Garfield the Cat wearing a witch hat (yes, random I know). Last year, when my daughter was not yet 3, she was obsessed with this cat which we drove by every day in October. When she first saw him, she asked who he was. I explained he was Garfield and a little bit about the character cat… he took lots of naps, he played with his dog friend Odie, and he ate lots of lasagna. As repetitive toddlers are, she’d always ask the same questions, fully knowing the answers, every time we rode by. “What does Garfield eat?” “Who does Garfield play with?”

This year, Garfield came up again. Since parents love any opportunity to test the brilliance of their children, I ask her “Who’s that?” as we drive by. Let’s see how much she remembers from last year. “It’s Garfield!” she shouts. “And what does Garfield like to do?” “Sleep!” she shouts! Oh, she’s brilliant! “And what does he like to eat? “ I query further, looking at her cherubic face and wide hazel eyes in the rear view mirror. “Vagana!” Continue reading this post on New Jersey Moms Blog >>>>>

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-10-19T17:50:00.006-04:00

My soon-to-be-sister-in-law's Bridal Shower

Pumpkin Cookies For the Pumpkins

2009-10-17T09:44:00.011-04:00

Did you ever feel like you're in a total funk? Like, while you're not unhappy you feel joyless? Like, your brain knows you're happy because you have everything you've ever wanted and your life is rich with blessings and love and friends and family and support, but you're on autopilot? Like every day is Ground Hog day and you do and say and wear the same thing and you're trapped in suburbia where everyone looks the same, lives in the same house, thinks the same and you sit there and pretend that you're the same too, but you're NOT the same so you recede into yourself...

Did you ever feel like there is nothing you even ENJOY anymore except sleep? Like you're surrounded by people, yet no one with whom you can totally relate in a truly authentic way with the exception of your spouse who is working so hard and so exhausted himself that you barely can form complete sentences with each other? Did you ever feel like everything that might be remotely pleasurable is now a chore - from intimacy, to time with the kids, to social occasions to hobbies? Where you go out with your friends and next thing you know your staring into your red wine having a therapy session with the poor, unsuspecting girl sitting next to you and you can't shut your stupid MOUTH and sound like you're an escaped psych patient recently off her Zoloft... and you wonder if you MIGHT need Zoloft? Did you ever???? ....

Ummmmmm.... yeah, me neither.

I wait for CB as I sit and write this post. She's on her way back home after her obligatory weekend with her dad. Her seizures have increased recently and I always worry more when she's not here. I think about CB as I sit on the floor of her room in our temporary housing, with my life in a holding pattern, struggling with my strange, blunted mood.

I think about her, folded inside of herself, so small, until the world can barely see her. Until she's somewhere else, a speck on the moon. She's had a short little lifetime of receding further and further away until all anyone sees is what they want to see. So far away, so lost. Lost even to herself. And strangely enough, she likes it best that way.

And it is in this moment that I realize for the first time in 14 years I can finally relate to my Autistic daughter.

Some Things Are Sacred

2009-10-15T12:31:00.014-04:00

My husband and I are very fiscally responsible. Basically, I'm frugal. He's cheap. I buy things on sale and clip coupons and hold back on the "impulse buying." I seldom buy ANYTHING for myself, and if I do (aside from the UGGS that then got a hole in them a year later) it's far from glamorous. The kids are mostly 99% in hand-me-downs. This is what I mean by frugal.

My husband? Cheap. Here's the difference. He turns off the lights when I'm still IN the room doing dishes, puts the car in neutral every 20 yards while driving to "coast" as much as possible to save gas, and orders ONE drink at a restaurant which we then pass around the table for all 6 of us. He's been known to stop into WaWa (a convenience store) to pick up the free saltines as a snack for the girls. (They are very tasty saltines by the way). I won't even get started on the cell phone bill discussions.

Well, NOW he's taken the cake. We had a 15 minute discussion the other day about the excessive consumption of toilet paper in our household. TOILET PAPER!! He's done an analysis of our square-per-wipe usage and feels we GIRLS in the house are over-using. Dead effing serious. He's telling ME how many SQUARES I should allot for myself and each of the 2 toilet trained girls. The only part that's funny is that during this whole conversation I'm laughing my butt off waiting for the punch line, but he was totally sober. While he wasn't angry or annoyed, he was was making his point much like a lawyer. A slightly deranged lawyer, mind you. I thought he was going to whip out a bar graph at one point.

So, apparently, we're on SQUARE RATION now. Better invest in the 2-ply.

Is it just ME or is there something really wrong when you're being told how to wipe your own cooch?

Yeah, I'm drawing the line here. Some things are just sacred.

Philly LOVE

2009-10-12T07:19:00.004-04:00

Yesterday we decided to head into Philly for the day to do nothing really, but just be in a new and different environment. We had no plan, agenda, or schedule. It was a gorgeous fall day so we just walked around... ...listened to a band outside on the Avenue of States, ate lunch at Buca's, ogled the giant clothes pin and jumped about on the huge game pieces across from the William Penn Building.

We parked in a parking complex that spit us out right at a cool little street festival that was sponsored by local Gay organizations and honored gay pride. So, we walked around at that too. Go figure, what gay-oriented event would be complete without a small but loud ragtag group hanging out right in the middle of it shouting stuff about sinning and repenting into a megaphone. And, for real, can these people hook up with a good P.R. person or learn some better marketing because it's like they all come with these junky white signs with too many words handwritten in black marker crowded on the poster board and it always looks like those serial killer ransom notes where you cut out letters from magazines and tape together some loosely psychotic run-on sentences. No offense.

So, they've set themselves up at a festival acting as the mouthpiece of God. I guess God must have done a bunch of shouting and berating or something... That megaphone was just blaring non-stop with all kinds of antagonistic sounding stuff that's not inviting to ANYONE to listen to; gay, straight, Christian or non-Christian... I mean, this megaphone dude seriously never took a breath. He probably drank a bunch of Red Bull prior to his protesting. Or perhaps, just drank a wee too much of the proverbial Kool Aid.

And you know what I was thinking? Well, many things, but mainly I was having quite a giggle imagining the brilliant "think tank" behind Operation Convert The Heathens:

"Hey guys, I have an awesome idea! Though we go to every gay rights march and parade and we never seem to accomplish anything that puts Christianity in a positive light, let's go down and shout about sin and repenting and stuff. It'll TOTALLY work this time. Yeah, they'll hear us screaming at them in our megaphone... you know, just like how Jesus did... didn't He used to stand on the streets and shout at people as they walked by like a man who skipped too many doses of Lithium? It toooootally worked for him and all... "

Yes, I'm sure God was SO proud looking down at this display...

So, I start wondering if the goal of this group is to evangalize and "spread the good news" and all, ya know, to convince people to follow the Bible and become Christians, then I'm not sure how they're thinking this is the best way to do it. Are people really drawn to a group that is chastizing and shouting non-stop about nothing remotely helpful or loving? That tends to have the reverse effect. I'm wondering why they haven't found a different tactic to acheive their goal and then, it suddenly hits me!!

AH HA! The light bulb goes off. These megaphone shouters are SAYING they're trying to save our souls, bring us closer to God, to the Church, but NO -- that is NOT their true objective at ALL. You see the uber pious, "cast thy judgement" type people NEED us "sinners" or else they have no one to whom they can feel morally superior! And HELLO... that's their whole shtick - without the "heathen liberals" and "gays" and "baby killers" to look down upon, this group can't feel moral and self-righteous. And that's the whole gig - getting off on moral superiority, right? I thought I saw it in their mission statment once.

I mean, the self-righteous need people to sneer at... those who come to church not "dressed appropriately," have a child out of wedlock, or *gasp* voted the "wrong way" at the election! And on top of it all, this subgroup of people give Christians as a whole a bad name. I know quite a few Christians and they don't even OWN megaphones (unless they hide them from me) and are some of the kindest most generous spirits you'll meet.

And speaking of people giving others a bad name. I feel bad for Jesus. Like, seriously, was this innocent, kind hearted man reeeallly hanging on that cross, suffering one of the most torturous, gruesome, and undeserving deaths so we could shout out of megaphones at a gay festival or blow up an abortion clinic? I don't know... I'm only a liberal, non-church-going Episcopalian and all, but I'm going out on a limb here and guessing this wasn't exactly his focus...

I understand that the Bible does indeed address sin and rule following and right and wrong and repenting. But, while I'm no expert, I thought the main focus of the Christian bible was love. L-O-V-E, people. Isn't that the crux of all religious organizations? Isn't love supposed to be more powerful than hate, judgement, condemnation and pride? Isn't it what is supposed to save us all from ourselves and each other? Love. I totally stink at it myself, but I don't profess otherwise. And I certainly can't get down with anything that doesn't help me be a better person. I'm already good at being judgemental. I don't need any help with that.

Love. I wish I could read about it less and see it evidenced more. You want to sell me on something that will save my soul? Sell me on THAT.

And by the way, we had to wait like 20 minutes to get this picture taken so I'm pretending I'm not annoyed the dude cut off the top.

Sometimes It's a Cruel World (or Why Birthday Parties Sometimes Suck)

2009-10-08T17:18:00.001-04:00

"EWWWWWW! She's so gross!!"
"Yuck! Don't touch her!"
"Ahhhhh! Run Away! She's crazy!"
"Ew, look at her!"

The pack of little boys aged 3 to 6, were running up, screaming, laughing and mocking another child. This child, much older than they were, was sitting on the floor drooling profusely on herself, making funny sounds, staring and laughing at nothing, and flapping her hands wildly in the air. The child at the center of their verbal jabs and laughter was MY child. My CB. She was their freak show. They were openly and unabashedly teasing my child. My defenseless,happy, totally different and unique child.

And a knife stabbed into the flesh of my heart. The part that beats solely for her.

I was at a friend's child's birthday party with all 4 of my girls. I am always hesitant to take CB to parties and events where there are people there I don't know as well. I worry about the reactions of others and about what CB may do... how she'll act... what everyone will think. Sometimes I'm worrying that she'll start humping the floor. Other times I'm worried she'll crap in her diaper and I'll have no where to change a 5 foot tall 80 pound girl. Sometimes I'm worried about her breaking the hostess's priceless heirloom or that she'll push, scratch or kick a 15 month old who got too close. Sometimes I worry that she will slip out the back door and get herself halfway to the interstate before we find her. Seldom have I worried about mean, brazen teasing. I guess now I can add that to my list.

Though this type of thing doesn't happen to us too often when it does, I usually feel like I'm going to spit venom and go postal on the brats. I'm always able to hold back and instead use it as a "teaching moment." This time, however, my reaction was notably different. This time, I was oddly calm. Or perhaps not calm. More defeated. Numb. Tired. Just done with it all. I just felt resigned. I brushed it off... let it go.

So, what did I do? I wish I could say my actions were noble, but they were the actions of a woman who was defeated; burnt to a crisp; emotionally labotomized. I silently walked over to CB, lifted her up under her arms and quietly escorted her into the next room away from the boys. A place where I could see her and where other adults could bear witness and address their OWN children so as I wouldn't have to, because I'm just exhausted mentally and physically. Sometimes I don't feel like I want to educate every single person about CB's disabilities. I don't want to give preemptive explanations, autism lessons, or apologies. Sometimes, I don't want to feel different. I don't want HER to be different. I just want to go to a party with all my children and not feel like everyone is staring at her, let alone making FUN of her. Treating her as if she were a gross, twisted side-show or demented trick pony. Sometimes I just want a mental f-ing break from the life sentence of "disability" in which my family is imprisoned.

So, life goes on. Forgive and forget. They were children and I knew many of them and knew they were good kids. I also felt like I understood why I responded the way I did - with apathy. With silence. I gave myself a break. I owed it to myself, right? I can't be "on" all the time.

Then, today, I thought about it again, and I felt the sudden pang of guilt and shame, because I realized that my decision to stay silent was a selfish one. Self preservational perhaps, but selfish nonetheless. It was selfish because I put myself and my mood above my own child's value - a vulnerable child who needs me most. I am her only voice. And whether she notices or computes or cares about the teasing is a moot point, as is the fact that I'm tired or embarrassed or drained. The voice I use to educate, yell, cry, help, heal, forgive is not only my voice, and my crusades are not mine alone. I owe it to all children and adults who are seen as less than valuable or beautiful simply because they have disability that isn't "pretty" and makes others uncomfortable.

I owe it to all of them. I owe even more to my little girl. I am her only voice, and I let her down when I chose to stay silent.

Putting Off Til Tomorrow All The Crap I Don't Feel Like Dealing With Today

2009-10-07T15:34:00.007-04:00

Ah, the proverbial back burner. How many things have I put back there? Mostly, the things that have to do with my own personal needs and desires. Minus the blogging, of course. Without blogging, there would be no sanity. And, without sanity, there can be no Mommy or Wife.

So what is on the back burner? It's really gotten quite crowded lately. Usually it's like dying my gray, keeping up friendships, showering, cleaning, organizing. Now, it's getting a bit out of hand. I think I need a serious intervention. Now HEALTH issues are going on the back burner.

I have been suffering from sudden onset vertigo for about 3 months now. It's sometimes accompanied often by unexplained nausea. And no, I'm not pregnant (quite positive on this). Now, it's probably all related to that stupid middle ear infection and ear drum rupture I had many months ago. Who knows. But, will I get myself to a doctor? No. No, I won't. I just can't be bothered. But, I made a big step and self-diagnosed over the Internet which was great because it's likely either --- or ----. Both of which are viral and will likely remit on their own and are annoying but benign. Of course, there's a small chance I could develop meningitis or this could be a heart problem or brain tumor... but hey, those are some slim odds. I'm not dragging myself in to see Dr. DB with 3 kids and paying a stupid co-pay just for rule THAT out.

That's just me. I've always been remiss at taking care of myself. But then again, I'm a very healthy person with no allergies, G.I. issues, headaches/migraines or other lovely things that seem to plague most people I know. But lately I have been borderline malaise. Like this vertigo started up over the summer, then within a few weeks I get a U.T.I., then pink eye and now I'm like super duper tired like beyond normal tired... it's like I'm fighting off some low grade virus. But will I ever just go to the doctor and check it out? Oh no, of course not. No time. No energy. And, if it's just something stupid and benign, what's the point?

I know what you're thinking. Go to the stinkin' doctor. Yeah, yeah....

Now here's a different issue but goes along the same lines of "should I or shouldn't I" go see the doctor. Except this is for baby Rella. I had this referral for Early Intervention from my pediatrician months ago and even made an appointment which I later cancelled. It's like, she's an enigma. She isn't so great with the talking, but she talks sorta enough... though most of it is almost indecipherable to anyone but me and my husband. I mean, she definitely gets her point across just fine, it's just not good as the other kids her age. Receptively, she's totally on the money though. It's like, she's behind the normal curve a bit, but not obnoxiously so. So, should I be worried? Not worried? I don't know!

Then there is the whole issue that she doesn't eat ANYTHING... oh, and I don't mean picky eating. Pink was (and still is) a picky eater. I mean, this is what she eats: Pasta with red sauce, bread with butter, pretzels, yogurt or ice cream, some crackery type snack food, candy. Period. I'm not omitting anything. That is IT. Now there are a handful of other things she may eat 1 out of 10 times. Or, she'll eat something for weeks (like cheese) and then never touch it again. some days, she'll go without eating more than 2 tiny pretzels all day for no reason. She just wants to drink milk - vats and vats of milk until I'm afraid she's going to vomit pure white. It's almost repulsive how much she's rather drink than eat sometimes. And I think about how she barfed a lot when she was a baby. She'll still do it randomly now... like spit up or whatever. Is this important? Silly? I don't feel like making her undergo tests for no reason, you know? But, I just remember how I was so naive with CB and didn't realize certain signs were significant. I just kick myself for not being more proactive with CB in the early years and here I am again, sitting here suffering from meningitis possibly ignoring so I don't feel and sound like an overly neurotic and dramatizing mom...

Oh, and she's totally pigeoned toed and bow legged too. If you see her run it's like amazing that she's not falling over, but she's not. The pediatrician said to wait until she was 2 before seeing the orthopedist. That's in about 6 weeks. These little suckers better straighten out soon. I'm totally not in the mood for more specialist. Haven't I made my quota already in CB's lifetime? So, it's like all this little silly stuff that perhaps I should be paying attention to, but it's all so silly and dumb.

Like, the 3 little ones have had milesca for like 2 years (a skin condition in the wart family) and will I ever bring them to the stinkin' dermatologist to get them frozen off or whatever???? Um, no. The answer is no. Even though they are spreading all over their own bodies and they're giving them to each other. I mean, I'm the person that sat there while Tink had pillow batting shoved up her nose for 7 months wondering why she had such rank, foul, disgusting BREATH every day. Finally, when we couldn't take it anymore and I have morbid fantasies about her having a sinus tumor or something, turns out she had cotton batting shoved up her nose. Problem solved. No disaster. It's just like... why don't I take care of the little things right away? I just let them sit on the back burner. Until they are ready to boil over...