We Live in a Strange and Beautiful World

Date a Human

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 10:20:00 +0000

I'm not even really sure how I found this, but the cat roommate seals the deal: this is awesome.

Twilight is Back! Now, with photoshop goodness

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 03:58:00 +0000

Okay, it's time for the long awaited 'Eclipse' segment of my brilliant twilight reviews. But first, a small disclaimer:

Again, I am sure there are a lot of un-lame people who worked on this movie. Okay, maybe not that many. But once again, the producers really tried. They hired good cinematographers, paid for the rights to some good music, and really got the world's best performance out of cybertronic wolves. But, this is still twilight, so it still sucked, obviously. I mean, talk about waste of effort, hollywood. It's still about two hours too long. I'm pretty sure they could blackmail Coppola into this thing and it would still have that cheap vampire stank.

That's her dad. Word.

Oh, gentle readers, I must admit, there was a time when I, too, found this guy to be attractive. That time was during the Harry Potter movies, which I only watched once or twice, and are much better than twilight (yes, even sorcerer's stone).

And, in the latest edition of making beautiful young people look like the husks of chemotherapy patients, we have EDWARD! Now in sideburns. Just as gross, and now with weird elvis vibes.

"Bella, you've got to try this new body waxer I found!"

"I'd love too, but the producers want me to look as mannish as possible."

What they save on the costume budget they spend on waxing, tanning, and therapy.

"I took an acting class! Did it work? How about now?"

A little priest...

Edward: What is your problem? You know I get the girl! This series is based on pre-existing, overly publicized books! The outcome has already been set in stone for five kajillion tweens!

Jacob: What? I lose?

Bella: Gosh, Edward, be nice to the poor guy. His mom just spent his college savings on a bowflex.

Jacob: We're just trying to be realistic about my future. Not everyone has a flawless british accent to fall back on!

Edward: Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Tell you what, why don't you go shirtless for the rest of the movie? When you aren't busy being animatronic, I mean.

Jacob: Thanks bro. This should do wonders for my career.

Monochrome means evil, right?

I just love how plush the wolves are.

OH MY GOD!! How could they not ride the wolves?!

TA DAA!

Bla, bla, sexual tension.

Bla bla, bad acting

Bla, bla, armpit.

Bla, bla, something

Things are looking up...

Twilight, where it's still really dramatic, yet anticlimactic, but now with added length!

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 20:18:00 +0000

At long last, the much awaited sequel! To...uh...that other post. Sorry it's taken so long, but trying to make myself watch this movie was understandably hard.

Yay!! Sparkles make everything better!

This is presumably the 'New Moon'. Technically, though, a new moon is not actually visible. It's like an implied moon. But I guess they just really wanted to whip out that yellow filter ASAP.

At least they don't try to pretend that Bella isn't totally lame.

Ah, cheerful, with a hint of a multiracial presence which never actually manifests. Unless you count werewolves.

Edward starts us off with a quintessential 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' walk, prominently featuring some prime product placement. He's actually not in the movie for most of it which sounds like a good thing, I know, but he makes up for it with these confusing translucent hallucinatory appearances that never really get explained.

And the camera makes up for its lack of subtlety with unnecessarily wide, panoramic shots of the pacific northwest. And also a high school parking lot.

We're not really sure how this happened, but I bet that guy is embarrassed to be in this movie.

And then there's a whole lot of this bullshit, basically they play all this super mod indie music...

...and hang out in garages, wearing the latest in american apparel.

And there's all this really strung out sexual tension, and they both have super long hair for a while.

And the ghost of Cedric Diggory follows her everywhere! But not to worry; the music helps us maintain our sense of anticlimax.

They stare at each other a lot, which is like watching the world finals in maintaining a deadpan. Occasionally she grimaces or widens her eyes. He can turn into a wolf, which is kind of like having a facial expression, I guess.

Jacob likes to take off his shirt whenever possible. He's also very earnest.

Yay! Animatronic wolves!

And it's shots like this that make this a seminal classic.

I can't believe no one else sees this. And not a word about the MSpaint.

Perpetually half-naked band of young, buff men who run around the woods together.

Sometimes the above boy band chase this lady and play dramatic music.

Either she's hallucinating or he's wearing a super ugly sweater.

And then there's all this creepy weirdness underwater.

And then there's even more sexual tension and awkwardness in dingy places but meticulously filmed.

Dakota Fanning is some kind of terrifying vampire with a personality disorder and glowy eyes. See, kids? This is what can happen to you if you become a vampire. Look how far you've come:

It's a sad story, indeed.

Edward's sallow skin and sunken eyes make him look like a heroin junkie removing his shirt to shoot up. Seriously, girls? I didn't realize the chemo look was in this season.

Okay, boys and girls, that's all for now. This has been a painstaking process. I will try to post more often, promise! Feel free to make suggestions, too!

Happy Valentines Day

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 17:26:00 +0000

Mostly horrifying Valentines gift.

If you can't deal with graphic sexual images do not read this post.

I have saved this section from Christmas, just for your prolonged viewing pleasure.

Venus Love

Made with the same thing they stick in your boobs when you have low self esteem! This terrifying creation looks more like a scarier venus fly trap, which isn't really something you wanted in a sensitive place anyway.

Penis Toothbrush ($3.47)

Now, the perfect way to tell your girl you want her to put a penis in her mouth. Now, with hygienic results!

Vagina Dentata Sculpture, Mature (sold out)

On this etsy page, there are many different versions of vagina dentata. Like this one, surrounded by lace. All really scary.

Spiky Bra ($35.00)

Hot, scary, and dangerous.

Titty Fuck Her

This biologically impossible solution to what is potentially every frat boys biggest problem. After the alcoholism.

Willy Attire (L2.50)

Ah, novelty condoms. I don't think you can use them, but they're magically delicious nontheless. I like the goofy pumpkin. Way more on the site.

Beatin' Barack Wind-Up (sold by the case)

Just...why?

Head O State ($34.95)

I know I've already featured this, but it's that good.

Eroti-Glass (c$600 + s&h)

To make guests uncomfortable, place in living room. To make neighbors uncomfortable, place in front window. To scar children for life, place in nursery.

Captain Pecker - 6' Blow Up Penis ($19.99)

When you've had enough of one captain, here's another!

Lipstick Style Massager ($19.95)

I can't wait for this to go wrong. Someone's going to have lipstick in their pants alll day! I can only hope there's a youtube.

My Life is Twilight

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 23:20:00 +0000

I have found the most hilarious site. It is called 'My Life is Twilight'. There is literally nothing I can say to make this better. I would cut and paste entries, but each and every one is so ridiculous that I feel you should peruse the site.

It made me feel really good about myself. I intend to read it whenever I feel unoriginal or like a loser, to give me some perspective.

LOLcats that don't make me vomit

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 03:44:00 +0000

I really hate LOLcats most of the time. I hate misspelt words and I've never actually seen a cat that was more interested in a cheeseburger than some good old catnip. However, sometimes in my roamings I come across one that's more charming. Here are a few. Sure, they're still pretty repugnant, but compared to most LOLcats, they're Shakespeare.

Also, boys and girls, I'm taking down the poll soon but if you vote it will help me get out a better christmas list next year. All you need is your gmail login.

This would not work without the facial expressions.

I like this one because it's just so darn classy.

How did they get the cat to sit still while they tied this on?

If you haven't seen Deliverance, that's what this is referencing. Also don't see Deliverance, it's very upsetting.

My cats don't like me to bring them cookies. They like to bat them off the plate though.

See, this is a funny concept, but I'd enjoy it more if I could read it more easily. It say's 'High Efficiency Edition" Get it? Because it's a cat...

The Christmas List: 2009 Part X

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:03:00 +0000

Clothes

Pink Bunny Pajamas ($89)

These look amazing, and if you order a combo it comes with a rifle. At least I think it does.

Chain Mail O-ring Metal Bikini Set ($62)

Let's just take a moment to appreciate the rubber stamping that was undertaken to create this image. In all its sexuality, this image was made androgynous.

I'd also like to appreciate the utter uselessness inherent in the size of the rings. I mean, even if a bikini was covering enough area to protect you from anything, the rings would stop it from useless. It also looks doubly cold and uncomfortable.

USB Breast Warmer (Y1,980)

Another singularly great picture. First, I like how they use a doll instead of a person. Even though it's still wearing a bra and they have actual women in other pictures. I also like the faded, ill-fitting bra, the outdated computer, and that indistinct shadow in the crotch that makes you momentarily wonder whether this is a japanese version of a sex doll. And let's just roll over all those blooming roses. Only now can we move onto the product itself, in all of its boob-warming glory. Wow.

Punitive Shoes: Rancho (E179)

I'd like to say that the Rancho was an arbitrary decision on my part. Each and every pair of shoes on the Punitive Shoes website deserves a place on this list. They are all ridiculous. I guess the Rancho won me over with the horseshoe footprint. Believe it or not, these are not the most uncomfortable looking shoes on the site.

Great Big Women's Panties ($19.77)

What to get for the woman you love, when you want her to stop loving you. The website suggests them as a prank item, but it's hard to imagine this ending without someone getting hurt.

The Velvet Vulva ($165 to $400)

The velvet vulva. Beautiful handmade purses that look like vaginas. And just like vaginas, no two are alike. Or at least that's what the site says. Also available: The Velvet V G-String, the Velvet V Hat, and the Velvet V Sleeping Bag.

Blue Jeans Stretch Bikini Pants ($100)

For the girl who loves that skank look, these self proclaimed 'Brazilian style' pants give you the thong in the pants, without all those annoying panty lines. Or I guess with them if you still want them. These pants give you that flexibility.

Underease 2G- Male, with Replaceable Filter ($29.95)

For chronic farters, these undies make it seem like you aren't. They also seem to be made of garbage bags, elastic, and saran wrap, so you could probably try to make your own version.

Firm Grip ($18.99)

Butt-Glue! Used to keep a swimsuit from riding up. The perfect gift for anyone with an ass.

USB Air Conditioned Shirt ($224)

It's Japanese, of course.

Maggot Charms ($60)

These are actually kind of cool. I'd like to see the rose gold option.

Sonogram Photo Cufflinks ($65)

Now you can gross out everyone with these weird customizable natal images. So it's actually YOUR fetus.

Kitty Wigs! Bashful Blonde ($50)

I think this might be an image which doesn't need any text. Look at that cat's face.

Batman Hoodie ($73.99)

I think it's quite telling that this is only available in sizes L through XXXL.

Slavery Gets Shit Done ($19)

When you want to offend people to the point where they actually throw you out of places, here's the best option I have found.

Jacob Black Jrs White T-Shirt ($21.99)

There will be a comedy in the future. And in this comedy someone will lose their clothes and be forced to spend a day wearing a shirt very similar to this. And it will be amazing. PS: Homoeroticism transcends barriers.

Silly Ski Mask- TMNT ($14.98)

Okay, mostly I just like the wallpaper in this picture.

Undercap ($11.95)

And the model has gaged ears.

Handerpants ($11.95)

Like for itchy gloves! These are great.

Unicorn Princess Heels ($119.99)

Did you see the heel? And the pale pinkness? And the ruffles?

Nacho Wallet ($7.99)

Tinkerbell ($317)

This sweet little bag is somehow attributed to Paris Hilton or something.

Identity Preserving Balaclava (DIY)

Hannibal Lechter?

The Christmas List: 2009 Part IX

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:39:00 +0000

Stuffed and Plush

Now I feel like I should say something. As I'm sure we all know, there are people out there who will buy anything if it is cute, soft, or squishy. That being said, most of the stuff here is awesome and I want it. Now I will proceed to make fun of it. That is all.

No, wait! I want to apologize for leaving these so late, but I was busy graduating from college. So I'm more apologetic.

Monty Python Baby Killer Rabbit Plush Toy ($11.99)

I like the little tongue best.

Cthulu Plush Christmas Wreath ($34.99)

I guess the downside would be the lack of smell, but honestly I can't seem to mind.

Meat Medley Plush Toy and Pillow ($64.99)

Now, I know a lot of people who LOVE meat, but I guess I can't see how this translates into wanting to sleep with raw meat. Now, a nice apple on the other hand, can give you marvelous scented dreams.

Hug Me Pillow ($28.99)

For the gift that says, I know you're lonely, maybe you should become a serial killer.

Anatomical Red Heart Mini Plush (sold out)

For the gift that says, I want to reenact the Last of the Mohicans with you.

Lumpy the Coal Plushie- Holiday Edition Pet Rock (sold out)

For the kid who was really bad but you don't want to see a kid cry on Christmas.

Horse Head Pillow ($45)

For the upstart movie producer who won't put your godson in this movie even though it would be perfect for him just because he stole a starlet.

Dosagus Pillow ($28)

For the geek who is always falling asleep on the screen, here's a comforting middle ground.

Canned Haminal ($14.95)

I'm going to copy and paste the actual product info here, because I honestly couldn't come up with anything better. "Ever wonder where canned ham comes from and noticed that a regular sized pig won't fit in a can? Animation director, Crystal Chesney-Thompson has condensed the cuteness of several ham-related animals; hamster, guinea pig and regular pig, to create HAMINAL, the ultra cute ham-animal. He's smaller, tastier, boneless and conveniently can shaped! "

"I feed on the tears of the lonely" Teddy ($17.99)

This is great. I love the festive ribbons.

Alien Facehugger Plush wish Egg Plush Toy (?)

Apparantly the egg can be positioned open or closed, 'for display purposes'. Yeah, right, amazon.com. Like you wouldn't play with this. Also.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part VIII

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 22:03:00 +0000

Home and Garden: The Kitchen

Amen Salt and Pepper Shakers ($28)

Perfect for the pious family, these perfectly obedient utensils will serve you faithfully until they break.

Kikkerland Salt and Pepper Shakers ($10.95)

These are great and I love them.

Moo Mixer Self Stirring Mug ($14.99)

Yet another item for the lazy. Tortured by the unrelenting pressure of the manual labor needed to stir their own beverages...no more!

Evidence Chef's Knife ($14.99)

This knife may be hard to clean, but it serves the dual purpose of slicing your food and terrifying anyone in your path.

Fingerfood Plates (?)

For amputees, I guess. Or lazy rich people.

Peter Petrie Egg Seperator ($14.99)

This appetizing accessory will sneeze out your eggwhites. Yummmm...

The Cthulu Roaster ($35)

When your barbecue isn't Lovecraftian enough, here's your delicious solution. Looks like it works pretty well, but it's probably a bitch to clean.

Survival Seed Bank ($149.00)

For the family that's always feared the apocalypse, here's a perfect gift idea. This seed bank has everything you need to support your family after the coming disasters. Yes, that is it's stated purpose.

Georgia Vase ($450)

This shockingly expensive vase is but one in a line of boob dishes. They're all quite charming and overpriced, but this is my favorite for the sheer volume of boobs.

A Peaceful Bomb ($49)

Zipper Wine Glasses ($99.99)

Ceramic Drunk Chicken Heads ($14.95)

Whatever you think this is for, you're wrong. Unless you think its for sticking in the severed neck of your plucked chicken, so that it can have a wacky head. Kind of seems like a prank waiting to happen.

Throwzini's Knife Block ($99.99)

Ever wanted to be in the circus? Wonder if it really spins.

Two Liter Beer Boot ($22.95)

Okay, maybe this is a guy thing...so if you really want to drink two liters of beer out of boot, which is probably pretty hard to drink out of. Also pretty heavy.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part VIII

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 19:44:00 +0000

Pets

Poop Freeze ($9.95)

This ingenius spray works for cat poop and bird poop, too. It solves the problem of the squishy poo.

Dagobah Frog Habitat ($39.99)

This adorable terrarium comes complete with miniature Yoda. Come to pity the frog who will have his heart broken again and again as he fails to remove his x-wing from the swamp, since the force eludes him.

The Doggie Lover Doll ($184)

I thought it only fair to include two pictures of this wonderful new genre: pet sex toy! No, I'm not making this up.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part VII

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 03:51:00 +0000

Home and Garden: Furniture

"New Moon" Life-Sized Werewolf Display ($6,999)

Have you ever wanted a life-sized stuffed werewolf? Well me neither, but there must be someone who has because 7 grand is kind of steep.

Unlock Doormat ($50)

This is great. I want one. Although you might want to rethink the whole key under the mat.

Tree Throne ($999.99)

This is somehow better than that old stump in your yard because....?

The Splat Rug (?)

Disgust is in the eye of the beholder.

Octopus 750 ($2,799)

Just like a normal chair, only with more wheels and a bigger price tag.

The Zombie of Montclair Moors Statue ($89.95)

Terrifying and amazing. I think I see a lot of golden pranks coming up with this cadaver.

Galactic Throne ($499.99)

Play Emperor Palpatine with an accuracy that's worth so much more than 500 bucks. Oh, wait.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part VI

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 00:51:00 +0000

Home and Garden: Bathroom

The Man Candle ($5.95)

Everyone's entitled to the smell of a sweaty bicep.

Potty Putter Toilet Golf Game (L9.99)

When your bathroom time interferes with your putting practice, then here's a solution that leaves everyone a winner!

Hand Grenade Soap, Black (?)

The only thing less attractive to me than black soap might be rubbing a grenade all over my body.

Gelli Baff (L9.99)

Now, you can mix up a tub of slime, all you need is Gelli Baff. It turns water into goop. And I bet it smells like bubblegum.

Stuck! Goldfish Bathplug ($13.00)

This is actually fantastic, I want one.

Stone Statue Tissue Box ($23.95)

I enjoy the quiet dignity of this ancient carving, while I appreciate the fact that it is in a somewhat compromising position.

Talking Tissue Box ($4.99)

This obnoxious container will taunt anyone with enough temerity to take a tissue.

Blood Bath-Bath Mat (L14.99)

Nothing says 'make yourself at home' like this bathmat. Inspired by Psycho. Funny side note though, the blood in the shower scene in Psycho was actually hershey's chocolate syrup, and would have been brown.

Blood Bath Shower Curtain (L8.99)

Perfect accompaniment to the bathmat.

Fresh Salmon Pillow (Y2.500)

This appetizing accessory for any room and comes on a yellow styrofoam tray and shrinkwrapped.

Handsoap Set ($18.00)

This delightfully multiracial plate of disembodied baby hands is a treat for any occasion!

The Christmas List: 2009 Part V

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 00:42:00 +0000

Books

Knitting With Dog Hair: Better a sweater from a dog you know and love than from a sheep you'll never meet ($18.50)

Shatner Quake ($9.95)

Next: Home and Garden is a HUGE one so it might take a little while. I might need to do it in installments or something.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part IV

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 23:02:00 +0000

Electronics

PowerPizza (L12.99)

This is a waterproof mock pizza box that you use to conceal your laptop. Each box is handmade in London, using what they call 'genuine italian style pizza boxes'. I guess the real danger here is that you'll accidentally throw it out.

Cellfoam ($10.00)

In what I can only assume is an homage to Raffi and the 'Banana Phone' song, the Cellfoam is a flexible rubber banana that you stick your cell phone into. Then, when you talk on the phone, it looks like you're talking into a banana.

Cellfoam Holster ($8.00)

And to add another item that a banana can look like...

Also I'm sure this is a pretty good price for a holster if anyone has an actual gun.

George Foreman USB iGrill ($99.99)

This high-tech grill is controlled by a computer, so it heats to specific temperatures for different kinds of meat and will tell you when it's done cooking. You can also access it remotely, presumably as a home security measure equal to motion sensors or automatic lights. Now, latchkey kids can come home to a warm grilled cheese, next to the cockroach that has crawled in next to the sandwich sometime in the seven intervening hours.

Gold Bullion Wireless Mouse (L24.99)

This uncomfortable looking mouse is apparently very satisfying. "It's a great big bling thing!"

Control-a-Cat Remote ($9.99)

Powered by wishful thinking, this remote is everything a cat owner wishes it could be. It has buttons like 'catch mice' and 'remain aloof'.

Laptop Steering Wheel Desk ($24.95)

I guess if you're the type of person who always wanted a tv screen in their steering wheel, this is a cheaper, albeit way more dangerous (who would have thought that was possible?) alternative. It's pretty hard to imagine anyone giving this to an actual loved one. Maybe if you lived in your car or something.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part III

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 04:48:00 +0000

Food and Beverages

Zit Poppers ($1.25)

Described as both oozy and gushy, these are the most delicious acne in town!

Bling H2O ($2,600)

The most expensive bottled water in the world, ranging from $27 to $2600. It's supposed to be an expression of pop culture, but I'm pretty sure it's just a waste of money. Bottled in Tennessee, corked, and decorated with Swarovski Crystals.

Mustard Marvin Spread Head ($3.99)

Made to look like a green child vomiting yellow goo, this mustard top is bound to get strange looks from anyone who encounters it.

RoyalTea (E7.95)

The whole British royal family can now bathe their nethers in your teacup. Appetizing.

Motorized Ice Cream Cone ($9.99)

When obesity isn't quite as easy as it used to be, get the food assistance you need! Added advantage of probably being really hard to clean. And with the batteries embedded in the body, I'm sure it zaps like a bitch!

Chocolate Wrench Set (Y1200)

For the handy chocoholic, these wrenches are just the ticket! The website is pretty unintelligible, being in Japanese and all, but you get the picture.

Inflatable Fruitcake ($9.50)

According to the FAQ, this will give your life direction and meaning. Quite the fruitcake!

Bread Slippers (E62.00)

Delicious, but I'm guessing maybe a little bit stale. Available in several varieties and custom made.

Custom Wedding Cake Toppers ($79.00)

These little uncanny reproductions will creep out anyone who encounters them, with the added bonus of horrifying your offspring later in life!

Giant Centipede Whiskey (L14.99)

80 Proof whisky with a preserved critter inside. So much more authentic than just a worm in the mescal, don't you think? Also available in varieties such as scorpion vodka, cobra and grass snake whiskey, and herbal whiskey infused with reindeer horn. Pretty gnarly.

On the same site you can get such tasty bar food too! Large edible grasshoppers, rhino beetles, and water scorpions are just a few of the treats here.

Tactical Bacon ($15.99)

The magic of preservatives will supply you with bacon far into the Zombie Wars. 10 year shelf life, 18 servings per can, and able to give you heart disease long after the fall of western civilization.

Blood Caffeinated Energy Potion ($4.99)

Billed for real vampires, robot vampires, werewolves with a taste for human blood, vampire werewolves, robot vampire werewolves, and sparkly poufs. It tastes like fruit punch but has enough iron to give True Blood a run for it's money. And it comes in a nice little medical pouch.

Bier Stick ($19.95)

For the gift that says, I think you should get alcohol poisoning, we have the Bierstick! As a kicky new alternative to the boring old beer bong. It's basically an enormous beer syringe capable of not only intoxicating and asphyxiating, but also of subduing large quantities of frat boys, kind of like a water hose.

Chocolate Pills (L4.95)

Somehow this is suppose to be better than carrying around a handful of chocolate kisses. The blurb is only offensive if you have an issue with sexism. Or maybe it's just British chicks.

Meatball Bubble Gum ($3.95)

I can't tell you a whole lot about this that isn't obvious from the package. Hearty and with mini Charlie Chaplin-staches.

Roxy Instant Jews Ear Fungus ($3.50)

They really don't let you know exactly what this is, but I like to imagine rows of Hassids, lined up to have their ear fungus harvested. It is apparently all natural and the customer comments are glowing. Maybe in the far east this is a totally normal food product. I wonder what it means when it says instant?

Celebrity Canned Bacon ($119.95)

Fred Frozen Smiles Ice Cube Tray ($6.00)

Give your grandkids a gross-out even without dentures! These ice cube trays are a must have for any geriatric party.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part II

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 03:40:00 +0000

Self-Improvement

I'd just like to explain that certain items were very hard to classify.

Uriwell Personal Toilet ($8.95)

This year I found a lot of portable toilets. Like the item above. The Uriwell Personal Toilet (get the pun?) is suggested for invalids, truck drivers, and boating enthusiasts. It features a unisex adapter (don't even want to know), increased elasticity (really don't want to know) and is apparently the product of nine years of in-depth research. Nice job, guys. Can't wait for that obituary.

Study Ball ($127.32)

The strangely expensive Study Ball is billed as a study aid, but it's hard not to see it as corporal punishment. You basically lock up your offspring and program in a time for it to bust off. It's hard not to imagine people abusing this. Seems like it would be perfect for murder, either by starvation or wielded like a mace.

Lottery Mate ($12.95)

Apparently scratch-offs are full of peril and hassles. Basically it's a flat pice of plastic with a slot for a coin, which make for easier scratching, what with the horror of searching for a coin before learning you've wasted a dollar.

Kush: Sleep Support for Your Breasts ($24.99)

It's not entirely clear how these are meant to be used, but the soft photography is very nice. Suggested for implanted women and nursing women.

Balla Powder ($15.00)

This is baby powder for balls. Eliminates clamminess with a pleasant tingling sensation.

Go Anywhere Toilet (?)

Found at a rock climbing supply website, here is another portable toilet for all your excretion needs. Conveniently folds into a briefcase, and comes with something called 'Poo Powder Waste Treatment'.

Stadium Gal: Undetectable Female Urinal ($34.95)

Illustrated only by this weird pink cartoon, this portable toilet is designed to be worn continuously throughout some kind of hypothetical sporting event where there are lots of women. It's a non-medical catheter, and I imagine it's very helpful for keeping your leg warm on a cold sports day.

Season Shot: Ammo with Flavor (?)

Do you shoot a large fowl of some kind every Christmas, only to crack your teeth on the bullet embedded in your drumstick, or give your small children led poisoning? Don't you wish there was some kind of tasty alternative? Well, now there is!

Available in delicious flavors like Cajun, Lemon Pepper, Teriyaki, and Honey Mustard, Season Shots are seasoning bullets, ready to be loaded directly into your handy-dandy shotgun! It's a double team of flavor, both killing and seasoning your entree.

Bumper Dumper ($69.95)

It's hard not to see the Bumper Dumper as a prop in some kind of Jackass-esque stunt. Ever wanted to poop off a moving car? Also available as a t-shirt design (14.95).

Razorba: We Got Your Back ($69.95)

Available in the Starter, Gold, and Platinum editions, this makes all of that tedious back-shaving easier than ever before! Jut stick a razor in this plastic rod thing and then use it like a back scratcher. There's no way this could go wrong...

The Babykeeper Basic ($39.95)

Like the hook provided for your purse, this provides an easy place to stick your baby in a public bathroom. Just don't leave them there!

The Classics in Manga Format ($9.99)

For the gift that says, you're too dumb for cliff's notes and too tacky for sparknotes, these remarkable works of art are available for such masterpieces as Hamlet, The Scarlet Letter, and Julius Caesar. Injecting the passion of homoeroticism into even the dullest plays, these are a must buy.

Rejuvenique RJV10KIT Facial Toning Mask Kit ($60.00)

A must have for every crazed serial killer with enormous pores. Since it's battery operated, it can do whatever it does wherever you want, from an abandoned mental institution, or your latest victim's closet.

Not The Cosby's XXX ($25.99)

For every voyeuristic creep who's ever jerked off to the Cosby Show (WHY?!?!), here is the opportunity for you to feel like that's perfectly natural. Featuring really funky sweaters and nudity.

The Christmas List: 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 19:44:00 +0000

Self Defense

Sorry to leave it so late, but here is the first installment of this year's much awaited christmas list. I'm trying a new format, so have patience with me.

Hidden Wall Safe (7.99)

For the paranoid people who don't believe in safety deposit boxes, here is a way to hide things in plain sight. Not only is the save concealed cleverly behind a nonfunctional outlet, it requires a key.

Untimate Compression Shorts (69.95)

Found at the Glock store, these shorts are not only super sexy, but effective for concealing your handgun! Made from surgial grade elastic, it has not one but two holsters, so you can carry handcuffs, or maybe a nice book.

Fuck the Rain (49.50)

Not only will this umbrella keep you warm and dry, it has the added benefit of pissing off whoever stands behind you!

The Palm Pistol (300.00)

No longer restricted to those able bodied individuals who can pull a trigger, this one shot wonder can be operated by the elderly or even the paraplegic. Since it doesn't look remotely like a gun, it's very easy to conceal. Perfect for little old ladies or small children.

Evacuchute (2,495.00)

If you work or live in a high rise, we all know the thoughts that go through your head every day: what if you should have to jump off it? Well if this describes you, the Evacuchute is a necessary item. It's easily concealable, so you can keep one in your desk drawer and another under your suit coat every day!

Liquor Lock (14.95)

Are those pesky teenagers getting into the liquor again? Stop those untrustworthy rascals with the liquor lock. For some reason kids wont be able to get it off a bottle, or guess your secret code.

Peacekeeper 400 (85.00)

Now you can fight off muggers in style with your very own brass knuckles, attached to this stylish leather handbag.

Up Next: Self-Improvement

The Eating Capital

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:53:00 +0000

The time between halloween and thanksgiving is arguably the time when we eat the most. In light of that, I though I would dig up some beautiful examples of food art. As far as I know, none of these are photoshopped.

SUCKING THE BRAINS!!

Finally!

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 23:28:00 +0000

I'm sorry it's been so long. My hit counter informs me that I have a lot of readers and I should really get on this. Let me begin.

I'm a huge fan of those custom google ads. You know, the ones that read content and give you corresponding advertisements? Unfortunately, these can turn out a little wierd.

I found this ad on this blog. I'm guessing it's because of my octopus post. Unfortunately, knowing why it's there doesn't help me understand it. The way it capitalizes The Octopus makes The Octopus seem like some kind of elusive deity. I couldn't help but click...

Unfortunately, I didn't find the church of The Octopus. The first two options just don't make sense. Has Target always offered baby octopus? The fourth is my personal favorite; I would love to get rewards from jellyfish.

This ad is from facebook. I don't think it requires an introduction.

Here are some fish pics!

I could go for one of these.

Really good ad.

I like this picture because it kind of looks like a dignified waltz.

I think we would get along.

One of the reasons I need to visit the far east.

I forget what this is from but it gets me every time!

Okay boys and girls! Hopefully it won't be quite so long next time!

ROBOGEISHA

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 18:25:00 +0000

Not for the weak of heart(or stomach), this is incredible. But seriously, watch it. It's only been about 20 seconds since I've seen it, but I think it's changed my life forever.

Hand-held Signs

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 21:07:00 +0000

Here are some great ones from my internet adventures! If you're a junkie like me, you've probably seen most of them already. Oh well.

I like this guy, I think he's my kind of crusty old man.

Right on, brother!

Honesty can sometimes be the best policy:

Then again, this is kind of awesome.

This is amazing.

Okay, so it's not hand-held. Still awesome.

Damn, that is one excited kid.

I debated putting this one in because it is EVERYWHERE, but I love it so here it is.

Does that work?

You show them, buddy!

Me, too.

Advertising at its most sophisticated

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Fri, 29 May 2009 00:42:00 +0000

I'm not sure how many people know this, but I'm not a TV person. In fact, I'm not entirely sure how to operate my TV. Which is not to say I don't make full use of hulu, but I digress. My point is, I miss out on some things which other people are completely sick of. Namely, ads.

And then, I go to the laundromat.

This isn't very interesting, but basically, I just want to take a moment to appreciate the new Pizza Hut slogan.

I'm sorry, let's look at that again.

Good one, Pizza Hut.

And how high is your budget?

I'm personally insulted that they paid some crackhead to do this when there were potentially hundreds of highly trained communication designers who apparantly...didn't make the cut?

What?!

Okay, maybe I'm being unfair.

No, I don't think so. Or if I am I don't really care. Because this is stupid. It's like, nice observation. Did this take a lot of deductive reasoning? Of course I'm eating. You just handed me a pizza.

I get that America is stupid. And fat. I really, really do. But come on, Pizza Hut.

YAY ROBIN!

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Thu, 21 May 2009 18:02:00 +0000

Congratulations to my baby sister, the amazing Robin Irene, who will next year be joining me in the big city when she matriculates at NYU!!! WOOHOO!!!

Dude this is going to be epic.

Twilight, where it's really dramatic, yet anticlimactic.

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Wed, 20 May 2009 21:01:00 +0000

This is Twilight, told in screenshots. One thing I'll give it is it stays really true to the book. So basically a lot of eye shots and sexual tension. And it's pretty redundant.

"I'm Bella. Why doesn't anyone like me. I'm so standoffish and I have no friends. Basically I'm a hollywood starlet in a character based on the mentality of a fat girl."

"I love you Bella"

"No, I love you, Bella!"

All the cool kids hang out in the parking lot.

"I'm in love with you too, Bella. Sorry bout that."

Reeeal subtle.

"I'm standing in front of a fan so you can smell me more easily. Is it working? Tell me when it starts working."

Vampires are young, thin and attractive. They're basically hollywood. Nice.

Look, it's Cedric Diggory! You know, minus the melanin.

"Let's look at each other sorrowfully."

"Yes. That is an excellent idea."

"Hang out with you? Nah, I'd rather stand awkwardly next to my car and read a romance novel"

"SO, I am going to leave dramatically now, because I'm a vampire and I need to control myself so I don't murder you horribly."

"Wait, no I think I'll stick around."

"Look I'm all sparkly! And you can customize me with belly jewels."

"It's so hot when boys abduct me into the woods. Yeah, manhandle me!"

"Hey, if you're chill with the fact that I'm basically the oldest man you've ever met, I'm chill with your general lack of facial expression!"

"Actually, my skin is off-white, I think it's called eggshell. What's probably throwing you off is the fact that my neck has normal pigmentation."

"So you're chill with the whole me wanting to eat you thing, right?"

"I like to watch you sleep. That's normal, right?"

"Wow, I'm so turned on at the revelation that you sneak into my room at night and watch me sleep. That's so incredibly not creepy."

Apparently, turning into a vampire is strangely homoerotic.

Aaand sexual tension.

"I'm a 400 year old virgin. So let's just stand really close to each other and stare."

Yeah there's more but I couldn't finish it. Sorry.

What a time we live in.

noreply@blogger.com (Leah Goldensohn) — Wed, 20 May 2009 13:52:00 +0000

This is a twitter record of graduation. No, I did not graduate.