Watching the Tigers

Can I Get A Mulligan?

Mon, 4 May 2009 22:24:20 -0600

Rats

A Tiger For All Stripes

Mon, 4 May 2009 01:17:13 -0600

Everybody loves spending a couple hours a night watching the Detroit Tigers play ball. Win or lose, it’s good to turn on the game and let them give you a much needed break from your day.

But really, couldn’t they do more. Maybe we need some kind of Call-a-Tiger service where they come and help us out in real life situations.

You’re looking to pick up some girls

Call Magglio. You can count on Ordonez to get the job done. He’s not going to do anything to embarrass himself and make you look like a jerk, perfect wing-man. Plus, if there’s a lull in the conversation with the ladies, you can make a joke about his hair. He won’t mind.

You’re moving to a new apartment

Call Placido. Polanco won’t leave you hanging at the rental truck place for an hour, like some people. He’ll be there on time and will probably bring along an extra coffee. He won’t even mind bubble-wrapping your shot glasses while your other friend takes the glory job of moving the TV.

You’re skipping work to go fishing

Call Brandon. While Inge might be a good fisherman, send him to your job instead. Whatever it is that you do, he’ll be able to do it too. Probably the only drawback here is that if your boss didn’t notice that a major league third baseman took your place, he’ll expect more hard work from you in the future.

You’re going Cow Tipping

I don’t know what it is about that guy, but something tells me that Zach Miner has tipped a cow or two somewhere along the line.

You’re collecting on a bet

Bring the bullpen. Send Zumaya and Rodney out to the guy’s house and have them bang on the door. While the guy is looking through the peephole and crapping himself, send Bobby Seay in to sneak through the back and take the cash from his cookie jar.

You’re teaching your kid a lesson

Have Jim Leyland over for a talk with the little skater. Whatever he’s up to, the coach will have him scared straight in about two Marlboro’s.

You’re catching a baby being dropped from a burning building

Call Ryan Raburn. Wait… On second thought no, call anyone else, anyone.

You want to win the World Series

Call Miguel Cabrera. He might not come this year, or the next, but sooner or later he will get it done.

Tired of Hating The Yankees?

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 02:45:15 -0600

Remind me again why we hate the Yankees. I think I've forgotten, something about them being an Evil Empire or something. Are they really an Evil Empire, or is that just something contrived by a bunch of whiny Red Sox?

Evil?

They're really not cheating. Taking advantage of an accident of geography that places them in the middle of the largest media market in the country doesn't really make them cheaters. Leveraging that advantage over the rest of us is pretty slimey, but no rules are being broken. It's not like they're playing with fifteen guys in the lineup just because they can afford to.

Empire?

Hardly. Their new stadium may have cost as much as the Death Star, but they won't be putting any World Series banners up there in the next couple years. Jeter's getting old, A-Rod's getting weird, and I can't wait to see how much Sabathia weighs after a full season of eating in all those fancy restaurants.

The Yankees are guilty of starting the nuclear salary arms race, one that the Tigers have gotten themselves swept up in over the last couple years. And there it is... Now I remember.