All this could be yours, you lazy f-ckers

I have come to realize that many of the folks that read this site have little to no need for free items (likely dreading the additional 1099 or the sensation of being in a charitable environment).  If you recall, back in June I suggested that if my Apple $240/$230 put spreads finished fully in the money (which pretty much any ~25% monthly ROI apple put spreads have done for the last 8-10 months – if this makes no sense, don’t worry about it) I would give away an iPad on this site.  And then I got busy, did a little marketing, doubled my traffic and kind of forgot about that promise (understandably, as my trading account was getting f*cked up like the gangsters’ shins in Shallow Grave)….then people started reminding me of the comment….and so I launched the contest last week, to what I considered to be considerable (Navy-issue double redundancy) fanfare.

And pretty much nothing happened.  Sure, T-Diddy is gonna name his kid Chilly Wodzina.  And Sam is more interested in Big Kats than an iPad.  The only person who really stepped up with sincere value-add (since I know T-Diddy is a f-cking lying d-ck) is Ben from Australia.  Check this out: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Wasted-Potentialz/145245725492277.  Yeah, suckas, straight up Facebook.  I guess that means I’ve gotta get on that business.

I’m gonna be honest, we just got our iPad last week, and it is sweet.  Watching The Battle for Kruger National, you feel like you are the baby buffalo, with a croc on your ass and five lions on your head and torso.  Its form factor makes the dudes who designed the Audi R8 jealous.  Plus, you can act like a complete d-ck when you whip it out in the coffee shop.  But you gotta step up your games.  I’m serious, this is gonna be the easiest sh-t ever for Ben from Australia if nobody steps up.  Getting in the game is easy, but you f-ckers are apparently lazy and don’t want a free iPad from someone who is even willing to pay the f-cking postage (even to Oz, Ben).

Some suggestions:

1.  Follow me on Twitter – say “Hey, I’d like a free iPad” and then retweet my iPad contest.  Tell your friends to follow me and say “[Person X] sent me this way.”  Hell, you can even say “you’re a d-ck” and still at least throw your hat into the ring.

2.  Leave a comment here and direct like-minded individuals to do the same – I will tabulate this stuff so you don’t have to.

3.  Facebook – I’ve never used it because of my interest in preserving my anonymity, but I will figure it out.  Go there and friend some sh-t or something.

4.  Stumbleupon – This is for the dorkier folks out there, stumble upon some stuff here (I’ve gotta figure out if I can track that easily, I’m not sure I can – don’t be shy if you do something, you’re trying to win a free extremely small but awesome netsurfing machine)

5.  Email me with good ideas for posts (seriously, I’m hurtin)

6.  Send me one (or several) of these:

I probably only need 6-12 of them

7.  Remind me of how the Braves are kicking the sh-t out of the Mets this year

8.  Project for me how the 49ers are gonna step out of the shadows and win the Super Bowl this year (as teams coming off 8-8 seasons have done two of the last three years – this may be tough to do with a straight face)

9.  Buy me an ice cream sandwich (Skinny Cow has proven a highly delectable yet low cal brand) or some Sour Patch Kids (never had them before last month, could easily eat 18 bags of them at a sitting)

10.  Tell any friends with similar sensibilities to do the same (requires selfless friends who want to do something for you, at little to no expense (other than wasted time) to themselves – may be difficult to find such people).

We can’t make this too easy for Ben.  Americans (I would say Canadians, too, but seriously, we all know Canadians cannot compete on any surface but ice) step up your game.  Let’s make this a war.

(Note: Perhaps I shouldn’t have had four of those little bottles of wine on the way back from Memphis – but they were f-ing tasty.  And, I got a buyback on the last one, so it’s really like I had three.  Sure, we drank all the vodka in the house and finished the bottle of firefly, but we just spent four days in Arkansas.  We were due.)

Something juicy is in the works – who’s the hottest chick on Mad Men?  I’m sensing a surprise winner….

Later,

Chilly17

It may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t consider myself a definitive authority on drinking games.  Drinking games have traditionally been a way to coax the unaggressive (or “meek”) to imbibe more heartily – a problem I’ve never really had.  I have entered the arena a few times, largely to get one lameassed friend or another to drink by directing every “give a drink” their way.  I do play a variety of solitary drinking games – drink whenever you see a lion, leopard or cheetah on Big Cat Diary or drink whenever you hear a screeching idiot on any flavor of Real Housewives.  I play such games keep motivated in the absence of drinking competitors/companions.

A word about the image above: I stole it from the internet and know none of the participants.  But I admire and respect many of the things captured in it: steely concentration and focus from someone who is apparently playing solo quarters; a person sporting a killer goatee and playing with a water gun; another person who appears to be about to vomit (or is doing that dance where you really emphasize your heartbeat).  These people are doing it right – kudos.

One problem with drinking games is that they are pretty beercentric; I generally never drink beer.  The most popular drinking games also emphasize skill while diminishing the role of chance – I tend to enjoy card games where the skill is convincing the people that you are getting drunk that they are not drunk and shouldn’t make you do that shot of Cuervo.  That minor squabble is alleviated by the fact that alcohol will eventually reduce the skill factor and level the playing field (somewhat).  To fully flesh out this topic, I had to huddle with esteemed collegiate drinking buddy Bat Rastard – to avoid any charge of plagiarism, consider the entry here an amalgam of our thoughts on the topic.

The Top Five Legitimate Drinking Games

5.  Russian Roulette - I’m gonna put this over Dizzy Izzie (drink from the tap as you spin around the keg, bonus points for not falling down) because it is more game-like and doesn’t require a keg.  The game is pretty simple: start with a six pack, shake up one beer, mix up beers so you don’t know which one was shaken.  Each player sequentially selects a beer – if your chosen beer explodes you have to shotgun the rest of the beers, if it doesn’t, you just shotgun that one.  This is a very short game.   Bonus points for playing with beer and White Russians.

4.  Baseball –  This is all Bat Rastard, but I’m certain I’d be excellent at it.  My likely greatness would undoubtedly leave a suspected-PED-use cloud over the game, so probably for the best.

Baseball works like this:

• Two teams of at least 3 players
• Line up four pint glasses, with the glass nearest the “batter” being ¼ full of beer, the next at ½ full, etc
• Batter bounces a quarter, trying to get it in one of the glasses, each of which represents a single, double, triple, or homerun.  A missed shot is an out and the next player on the batter’s team is up
• If batter gets a single, double, or triple, opposing team must drink (slam) the cup containing the quarter, and the batter’s team has a man on base (either first, second, or third)
• If batter gets it in the homerun cup, opposing team drinks all four glasses
• All runs must be forced in (i.e., get a triple you have a  man on third, must get 3 singles before that run scores)
• BEST PART:  each team has a designated “steal man” each inning.  If batter’s team has a man on base, batter’s team designates its steal man, who has an entire cup of beer in front of him; other team has a similarly situated steal man.  At any time with a runner on base, the batter’s team steal man can grab his cup and start slamming the beer – the defensive steal man must react and try to slam his beer faster to “throw out” the steal man.  If the batter’s team guy wins, the runner advances
• Keep track of how many runs each team has and play for 9 innings (rookies), or 3 innings (professionals who can handle all the drinking and constantly attempt to steal)
• PROS:  gets you drunk quickly, exciting game, much trash talking, super fun to play
• CONS:  requires tons of beer on hand – MUST have a keg or be at a bar with large pitchers.  Impossible to play with just cans or bottles

3. Swingers Drinking Game – This could be practically any tv show or movie – The Simpsons, Ally McBeal, Glitter - the varieties are endless.  The games usually revolve around drinking whenever something familiar happens, like a dancing baby appearing, or dialog, plot or characters being completely nonsensical (Cool As Ice, Showgirls, Gigli, etc).  Swingers is a perfect game for this – it’s an awesome movie with many iconic scenes, drinking when you hear “baby” or “money” fits perfectly, and you will not make it through the casino scene alive.

2.  Kings –  A drinking card game that I only played a few times, but that I would like to play a few hundred more times.

BR explains:  ”Kings is pretty fun – spread a deck of cards out on the table face-down.  Place an empty pitcher in the middle of the table, each player has a full cup of beer. Take turns drawing 1 card, each card means something else (e.g., for the non-face cards, spades mean person to your left drinks the number of drinks on the card, clubs is person on right.  Hearts means everyone drinks, diamonds mean you pick the person who drinks; each person who draws a king pours their entire beer (or as much as they want of their beer, in the wuss version of the game) into the pitcher, last king drawn ends the game with that person downing the entire pitcher; jacks mean make a rule, queens mean something else – I forget).  There are an infinite number of variations on this game.  I’m not a huge fan of the rule-making, though, as it devolves into rules like “no talking” and “no pointing” and a bunch of unenforceable crap that makes it too hard to play after a while.

I disagree on the rules component, I think rules rule.  ”No proper nouns,” “must touch your nose before you drink” etc. add a dimension of concentration and enforcement.  I am happy to make sure that the rules are observed, it’s a more socially-accepted version of being a tattle-tail and adds to the consumption.

1.  Quarters – The big daddy of them all.  There’s a strong skill element involved (we all know the guys who could roll the sh-t off their nose and such) but it usually worked out for the best.  I like the “make three shots and make a rule” version, but I’m not sure it’s universal.  I have f-cked up like 7 tables attempting to play quarters on them – not every table can sustain a game – and I respect wood.  A no-brainer for #1, though, they even played it on the much-ballyhooed Freaks and Geeks.  Seth Rogen made $87 playing it with non-alcoholic beer.

Beer shuffleboard also has potential

Drinking Games We Invented

5.  Three Wise Men –  Being young and foolish, when I was 20 we would just stack three bottles of tequila, rum and vodka and do a shot of the first bottle, and then chase it with shots of the next two bottles.  Repeat until someone projectile vomits.  That person lost.

4.  The “Try Some of This Warm 100 Proof Vodka Mixed With Warm Crazy Horse, You F*cking P*##y” Game –  It’s played just like it sounds.  First person to gag loses.  In its purest form, the game is played in a Home Depot parking lot.

3.  Shots Till You Die –  Not so much a game as performance art.  Gather with a bunch of wuss friends.  Have a solid drinking buddy fly into town; everyone congregate at a bar.  Order ten shots of Goldschlager.  Watch as wusses bitch and moan about having to do one shot of Goldschlager.  You and non-wuss friend each drink five shots of Goldie in rapid succession to the astonishment of others.  Immediately go have a friendly chat with a bouncer, you’ll need that air of familiarity later.

2.  Reverse Quarters –  A true gentleman’s game.  Playing quarters with BR one time on an RV headed to Florida (shout out to a fine RV – the Georgie Boy Cruise Air III), we were having a civil game of traditional quarters, but were disgusted by the negativity of hoping the other would miss – where was the camaraderie?

Even more of a chick magnet than a Murray Moped

So, we changed the dynamic of the game.  Away went the plain-Jane Boone’s Farm (Strawberry Hill) we were playing with, replaced by Turbo Boone’s (Strawberry Hill plus Popov vodka).  We started to drink only when we made a shot (we were hitting about 93% of our shots).  I woke up at 6:00 AM driving down the main drag in Daytona, with an extremely drunk Korean surfing on top of the Cruise Air.  My toenails were painted black.

1.  Proof Palate – (Name courtesy BR)  This is a pretty fun two-man game that only works in a lazy bar environment.  Tell the bartender to bring you two shots of any alcohol he wants, but not to tell you what the spirit actually is.  You each take a sip of a shot, then guess the proof of what you just tasted.  Whoever is furthest from the number has to drink both drinks.  You will learn a lot about the liqueurs that are hidden on the middle shelves playing this game.

A Very Popular Drinking Game I’ve (Sadly) Never Played

Where's the damn net?

Beer Pong – I love booze (not necessarily beer), I love ping pong and I enjoy the competitive drinking scene.  Unfortunately, I’ve only been in the proper environment a handful of times.  Probably my best chance was last year in Cozumel, when I was drinking and playing pong with Bat Rastard himself.  However, it was windy as sh-t (explaining why I got my ass kicked, it was certainly not skill level) and there was no chance of glasses not blowing off the table.

Last month, there were like 30 kids playing beer pong at SO’s brother’s graduation party.  I was all set to give it a shot when two of her brother’s friends came in and said “you must be happy to have another kid out of the house.”  That was slightly deflating, so I took off my argyle sweater and went to sleep at 9:15 PM instead.

Bat’s take:  I like beer pong, but only REAL beer pong, where players use actual ping pong paddles and a ball.  One cup of beer placed at each end of the table and players play ping pong, trying to get the ball to land in the cup at the opposite end.  The game people call beer pong (or “Beirut”) now just involves throwing a ping pong ball at a group of 6 or so cups of beer and trying to land it in them.  It’s retarded.

A Drinking Game That Sucks Because It’s Way Too Complicated – The Goal Is To Drink Not To Remember 10,000 Rules

Asshole – I still don’t know how to play it, there are cards and Presidents and Vice Presidents and sh-t.  Let’s just play Kings and not memorize a f-cking org chart.  (Not to be confused with Cornhole, a pretty fun beanbag tossing game that is quite ripe for a specific drinking variant.)

For The Elite: The Method

They look like potential Methodists

Method -  Method is not so much a drinking game as a way of life.  Do you hate that early part of the evening when you’re at a bar, everybody’s kind of sober, and you have to make boring small talk?  ”How’s work?”  ”Work’s good, man, thanks for asking.”  If you dislike that sh-t, then maybe you are a Method man.  (Like Batman, Method goes by either “Method” or “The Method.”  Generally scares the sh-t out of people like Batman, too.  Or, the Batman.)

The exact beginnings of method are shrouded in mystery, but legend has it that it started with a man named Milo Minderbender in a seedy bar in Key West.  Milo, supposedly disgusted with the amount of alcohol in the all-you-can-drink-for-$30 gin and tonics, ordered three of them, removed the ice, and drank the remainder as a voluminous shot.

I further refined and marketed Method, and am frequently credited with its creation.  Such attribution is clearly an honor, but is a bit misleading.  Did I switch the actual alcohol consumed from a bevy of weak G&Ts to the Long Island Iced Tea (the real deal, not from a mix)?  Yes, I did.  But the theatrical throwing of ice on the floor was there when I started nurturing the concept.  Is “Method” an awesome name for a drinking style, as well as a great way to kick off a night?  Yes, it is, and I named it.  But it’s not all about glory, it’s about potentially life-threating binge drinking.

Even more advanced methods evolved, fittingly called “Advanced Method”.  There were two different approaches to Advanced Method – one favored doing two consecutive Methods; the other, a shot of tequila or goldschlager followed by Method followed by another shot.  (The latter is also known as “Shot-Method-Shot” and is not recommended.)

SAFETY DISCLAIMER:  I DO NOT RECOMMEND PLAYING ANY OF THESE GAMES.  I WAS CLOSE TO BEING A TRAINED DRINKING PROFESSIONAL AND EVEN I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE  SURVIVED SOME OF THE AFOREMENTIONED CONTESTS AND THE METHOD LIFESTYLE.  NOW I LEAD A REWARDING-YET-CONSERVATIVE LIFE AS A FREE INTERNET WRITER WHO SOMETIMES GIVES AWAY SUPER EXPENSIVE SH-T FOR NO APPARENT REASON AND I HAVE A NEWFOUND AFFINITY FOR THE CAPS LOCK KEY.

(Seriously, nobody wants to win a f-cking $800 iPad?  I might declare have to cancel this contest and just rejoice in the Appley goodness of the first Jobsian product I’ve ever purchased.  Got the 32 gig 3G.)

2200 words?  No wonder this took forever.  Thanks, Bat (The Bat?), for all the help,

Later,

Chilly17

Okay, suckas, I guess not everybody forgot about the whole iPad giveaway.  I thought that whole concept might fade into the ether and that I’d just get my own damn iPad (my morally-challenged SO suggested just saying I gave it away, and instead giving it to her).  Frankly, when my trading account took a 20% nosedive in the middle of July, I was pondering whether iPads were edible/nutricious.  Don’t call it a comeback; I’ve been here for years – so I’m gonna give away the iPad as promised.

My concern wasn’t really about the giveaway itself, it was more about the construct of the competition.  I couldn’t really think of an objective way to evaluate the efforts of those striving to win.  Secondarily, the bang-for-the-buck quotient for the giveaway was going to be pretty low: there are only a couple thousand unique visitors to this site every month, and half of those people make so much cash they probably already have 5-6 iPads laying around serving as coasters.  Figuring out how to structure this thing was a quandary, to be sure.

Then it struck me that my quandary had elements of a classic business school case study: hazy means to an unclear end, uncertain economic benefits, the optimism of a rose-colored proprietor.  Rarely in business school do you work in anything other than teams; it became clear to me that, as then, I needed to surround myself with folks that are smarter and less lazy than myself to figure this thing out.  Also, I was reminded that I probably should have taken some marketing classes at B-School – marketing, when you have nothing to sell, is a tough business.

The simplicity of the concept evolved out of that thought: whoever adds the most value to the website will win the iPad.  Value is certainly a subjective conceit; like many of the “B’s” I earned on quality English papers, there’s probably going to be some unfairness in the interpretation.  That’s why friends of the site Bat Rastard and Flint have agreed to join me on the panel of judges.  One was accepted at Princeton undergrad, the other has a JD/MBA from a school that’s Top Five in both – they are legit brainiacs, (mostly) honorable, and neither can hang with the Chillster when it comes to the booze.  I will compile all relevant quantitative data and we will vote for the winner, each man/woman gets one vote.  If there is a tie (ie we all back a different horse), then SO will cast the deciding vote from amongst the final three choices (no, she isn’t allowed to lie and just keep it herself).

Some suggestions: there are measurable ways to add value, say if you have direct some friends here, have them drop a comment that “UNCMike sent me” – same thing with Twitter adds.  Using the Share This button would also be a plus – particularly Stumbles.  Getting a link to one of my articles posted in a bigger, better site would score some major points.  (Spamming, however, will get one booted from the contest – this is a gentleman’s sport.  So don’t bomb links all over the place.)  Anything else you can think of that you think is a boost to the site, let me know so I can ascribe proper credit.

People that I know in the brick and mortar world are not barred from the contest, but will play with a substantial handicap in the form of “why the f-ck didn’t you hook a brother up before, since you know me in real life and all?”  Gates open now and close at the end of August (yeah, that’s a long f-cking time, but this is a $600+ machine, ya’ll).  Also, drop a comment if you feel strongly about 3G vs non-3G: I’m leaning more toward non-3G and tethering to my T-Mobile phone or SO’s Verizon phone, thus no need to add AT&T, ever.  I’m probably going to buy an iPad this week – if I don’t like it that one might become the giveaway version, but most likely I’ll be getting one for me and one for you.  It’s kind of declasse to give away used gear.

Am working on the drinking game post wisely suggested by Major, so will be back tomorrow.

Later and good luck,

Chilly17

By now, you or someone you know – perhaps everyone you know – has read Stieg Larsson’s thriller The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  Hell, even I’ve read it, and it’s not even really my cup of tea (although it might be yours, depending on where you fall on the enjoys-anal-rape-stories spectrum).  It’s like a more violent, more naked episode of CSI.  Anyway, the book is an international sensation about an ill-matched crimefighting duo: a ladyloving investigative journalist and a pierced, goth hacker chick who suffers no fools and gets in lots of fights.

Of course, Hollywood wants in on this international sensation action; David Fincher is set to direct the movie version.  What’s that, you say?  There’s already a movie version?  Done by Scandinavians?  Why are they remaking it then?  Let’s take a look at some possible motives.

1.  The Scandinavian film is terrible –  Let’s check the rottentomatoes: 88% fresh.  Well, maybe it’s only a handful of reviews.  Nope, 192 reviews.  Well, maybe that’s just the garbage critics, what do the top critics think?  89% fresh.  Critics are stupid, though – is the movie good?  Yeah, I just watched it: perfectly cast, well-paced (the book is like 850 pages long), loyal to the source material without sacrificing cinematic form – it’s really good.  But maybe Hollywood deserves some kudos for seeking out that other 12% freshness that the first film could not earn.

2.  The lead actors are not marquee names –  This is definitely true, the titular heroine is portrayed by Noomi Rapace, who was a relative unknown in Sweden when cast as Lisbeth Salander (goth hacker fighter).  (I’m not going to focus on the male lead; Michael Nyqvist is phenomenal as Mikael Blomkvist but there are some boldfaced names I can see doing good work in the role.  Somebody like Viggo Mortensen or maybe even Daniel Craig – not Brad Pitt.  Bad skin is a must, though.)  Given the substantial evidence against it, I cannot fathom how Hollywood continues to try to shoehorn well-established “movie stars” into iconic roles that beg to have “nobodies” step in and embody the character (think Christopher Reeve as Superman).

Let’s have a look at Larsson’s initial  physical description of the character:

“[Lisbeth] was a pale, anorexic young woman who had hair as short as a fuse, and a pierced nose and eyebrows…she had simply been born thin, with slender bones that made her look girlish and fine-limbed with small hands, narrow wrists, and childlike breasts.”

Now, given that, take a look at Hollywood’s most frequently-mentioned choice to fill the role:

Maybe he meant "child-rearing"

Plus, there is mondo nudity in this film – I cannot imagine Scarlet or Kristen Stewart or Natalie Portman are gonna want to run around butt naked for twenty minutes of screen time.   I actually don’t hate Scarlet as an actress (I saw Ghost World in the theater, so I have some credibility here); she could pull off Lisbeth’s emotionally unavailable routine since that’s how she always comes across anyway.  But please, casting people, either convince Noomi to do it one more time (she’s said previously the role was too taxing/draining to consider resuming the role in the remake) or find some unknown punk chick brawling at a hipster bar in BFE.

3.  The remake will take place in Los Angeles, or somewhere more palatable to ‘Mericans – Nope, Fincher says the remake is going to be set in Sweden, too.  It makes sense to cast American actors, then, so that we can all be enchanted by their attempts at Swedish accents.  That’s just smart filmmaking.

4.  Americans are too stupid to read subtitles –  This is probably correct, although I personally love subtitles since my hearing sucks so bad.  We have to turn on the closed captions often anyway – like on Breaking Bad where they whisper or mumble too much or The Wire where you can’t understand half the lingo the first time through.

5.  The current version is too arty (ie won’t make the moniez) –  There’s tons of murdering, raping and nudity, but somehow the European setting and tasteful cinematography give this flick an indie or (even worse) arty vibe.  (Luckily, EuroTrip managed to avoid that label.)  Any remake set in Sweden is going to have the same “issues” – but who gives a sh-t?  Pretty much everyone will have read the damn book anyway, the “artiness” is part of the book’s appeal: you don’t feel so dirty reading an R-rated CSI on Red Bull, since it’s literature.

Personally, I think they should just re-release the European version and save everyone all the hassle.  Give it a big release, you’ll have girls going dressed up as Lisbeth and everything.  Then Noomi Rapace can become a big star here in the US and land the role of Wonder Woman or something.

Later,

Chilly17

Here’s Part II –  See Part I here…

5.  Pay Day

Pay Day: Top 10 Candy Bar and Top 10 Game

Description: I haven’t played this game in probably 28 years, but I vividly recall the life lessons it taught.  As a poor bastard from Arkansas, the gameplay prepared you for the life to come: just try to get through the month and pay your damn bills without needing to borrow money.  Welfare, the lottery, getting paid monthly – just like Omar promised, it was all in the game.

Enhanced by Alcohol: I haven’t played this as an adult, because – like it’s more dour cousin Life – Pay Day is a little on the depressing side.  (There are Pay Day loans available at 20% interest that cannot be repaid early – did the game actually inspire the term “payday loans”?)  But, I have to give it props for keeping it real and being pretty fun back in the day – and not including little peg-assed kids as literal reminders of the responsibility and financial burden they represent (thanks, Life).

Fistfight Potential: Not all that high, given that if you play Pay Day now, you might cry a little bit depending on the accuracy of its month-to-month reflection of your situation.

4.  Trivial Pursuit

Kind of looks satanic from above, but is no angel pagan. Mets fan know what's up

Description: Now we are into the big boys, not much to say here, this game is probably Pac-Manesque for most people reading this.  I thought I was a smart little bastard, so I highly enjoyed the ’suit – a great chance to show the adults what was what.  I’m pretty sure I can still get a pie piece any time that sh-t lands on orange.  And, f-ck brown.  You know what brown can do for me?  Brown can kiss my ass – “which author wrote the 1827 novella The Sky Frowned“?  I’m ten, dude, how should I know?  (Although brown was good preparation for when I went to take the test to be on Jeopardy.  It ain’t no multiple choice, ya’ll, it was 100 questions about operas and sh-t I’d never heard of.  I walked out – still hoping to run into the Cash Cab, though.  And I need to work on my geography.)

Enhanced by Alcohol: The game itself is not enhanced, but the trashtalking takes a giant leap forward.  One huge drawback is the tendency for drunk asses to say the answer aloud to any question they hear uttered.

Fistfight Potential: Moops.  That sh-t is always a possibility.  And given the team nature of the game, you can generally count on at least one domestic disturbance per four couples, based on actual or perceived underperformance (“You buy all those f-cking US Weeklies and you don’t know who was in The Bridges of Madison County?!?!”)

3.  Aggravation

Inspires more rage than you'd suspect

Description: I will probably take a lot of sh-t for this, but this game is an excellent rage igniter, despite the fact that the outcomes are mostly random (although there’s some strategy as players determine whether they want to warp drive it around the board or actively pursue other players).  For those unfamiliar: you race your marbles around the board, based on a roll of the die, in a race to get it to home base before other players f*ck you over.  It’s like a more visceral Uno, with the always-pleasant addition of a die.

(Note: I almost included Trouble on this list, and then recalled that it’s possible I never even played Trouble.  It’s pretty similar to Aggravation but includes the state of the art Pop-O-Matic technology.  I think I felt some misguided affection for Trouble based on Bill Bellamy’s hilarious bit about playing it with his sister when they were supposed to be asleep.  I couldn’t find just the Trouble bit on YouTube, but if you ever come across his stand up on Comedy Central, I highly recommend it (despite what you your preconceived notions of BB might be.))

Enhanced by Alcohol: As with almost everything, that’s a yes.  The more booze, the more aggression, the more the namesake sensation.

Fistfight Potential: Not too high – there are marbles involved.  Difficult to conjure that much aggression when marbles are involved.

2.  Chess

Chess: the game that even models think is awesome

Description: I haven’t researched this, but I assume it’s the oldest game ever – if not, it’s gotta be close.  The name of the pieces are generally also superhero names (with the exception of pawns – nobody wants to be a f-cking pawn).  The closest you will come, in board game form, to mixed martial arts.  Completely strategy-based, no element of chance – you only have yourself to blame.  The visceral thrill of trapping someone is right up there with the sensation just before you launch a punch toward someone’s throat.

It’s tough to put chess second on a list like this, it’s essentially perfect, but I dinged it slightly because it’s only a two player game.  I learned to play as an adult (when I was on a submarine) and was so enthralled that I played at literally every opportunity and even bought a chess book when we finally had two days off.  (Note: chess books are not helpful when playing the normal kind of dumbasses that we all are, not a lot of successful Queen’s Gambits being pulled off by beginners.  Also, Gambit – yet another superhero chess name.)   People who are good at chess are just wired differently; I knew a kid from the academy that supposedly was a master or wizard, and he was a bit of a dipsh-t, but apparently he could literally see into the future when playing chess.

My two chess highlights were both on my submarine: first was almost (and in hindsight, wisely almost) beating the Captain of the ship after I had just learned how to play.  The second was when I was playing one of the really junior guys on our ship, and wasn’t paying attention and lost my queen early.  This could have been massively humiliating, but I struggled back to take down both his rooks and before you know it had re-popped a queen and kicked that ass.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Oh, yes.  If you have two equally matched players, a scorecard and an endless supply of hooch, you are in for a long, long night.  Gameplay will suffer, but you will hear some superb taunts and boasts that sound straight out of King Arthur’s court.

Fistfight Potential: Traditionally a gentleman’s game, but can get ugly quickly when embraced by the crowd that can’t beat the Sega Genesis version of Chessmaster on the easy level.  I found chess to be most frustrating in that, unlike say, tennis – where one person usually trounces the other every time they play- there would be rare victories against better players, but no true breakthrough.  Sigh…if only I was good (and that last sentence was in something similar to grammatically correct English.)

1.  Monopoly

Yeah, I made a replica board on a piece of cloth that I took to school in 3rd grade - didn't everybody?

Description: You know the drill – buy and sell properties, perhaps dabble in the utility and railroad businesses, periodically make $200 just for going about your business.  The game that very likely spawned a century of rental property speculation.  Not quite the science that chess has become, but there have been statistical studies of Monopoly (I’m not gonna say anything about them, just keep buying those railroads!) and there are legitimate world championships and such.  It’s the king.

Although there are official rules, almost every home game plays by some variation: I’m a big believer in putting $500 and all the fines and sh-t into Free Parking, but that’s not in the rules.  Most people are lost on the concept of mortgage and what to do with the properties when someone dies.  Similar to chess, in this game you are looking to completely ruin your opponent – there are no friendly games of Monopoly.  Monopoly is what America is all about: empire-building, competitor-squashing, no-holds-barred success.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Yes, but not if one of your players is a compassionate drunk – that’s not what the game is about.  It’s about kicking people onto the streets and watching them starve, as you laugh and count your stacks of cash.

Fistfight Potential: When you are finishing up training in Groton, CT during the winter, there is not a lot going on.  Sure, you can hit Foxwoods if you can dig your car out of the snow, but sometimes 12 degree whether can sap the desire to even consider walking outside.  So fire up the Monopoly board, a four person game being pretty optimal.  Invariably, this sh-t got out of hand – mostly because motherf-ckers don’t know what constitutes a legitimate trade.

My trade proposals were 100% transparent – so fair that I would take either side of the trade.  Inevitably, people insisted on stupid proposals, or tried to work out earn outs (“you don’t have to pay rent if you land on my greens with hotel if you give me the last red”) or other bullsh-t.  Test the sanctity of the competition and you are likely to get punched, or at a minimum ignite a lot of arguing and board-throwing.

Also, I’m always the thimble.  Don’t even think about taking the thimble.

Later,

Chilly17

Do you recall how the Riddle of the Sphinx just turned out to be an allegory about the circle of life?  The sphinx killed a lot of innocent tourists for not catching her murky metaphor about the human lifecycle lining up with the stages of a day, until Oedipus busted out the answer (which he probably celebrated by spending some time with his mom).  Like Oedipus, as kids we all enjoyed hanging with the family and playing some board games.  Then, as teenagers, family game nights turned super lame.  Just as the metaphorical cane allows the person in the Riddle of the Sphinx to walk later in life, so does alcohol consumption allow adults to embrace game night again.

But how do the games themselves stack up?  Some games are tests of physical dexterity, some of mental acuity, some of pure chance.  Which ones are best suited for the simultaneous consumption of alcoholic beverages?  Which ones are likely to start a fistfight among close friends?  I’ll admit my exposure to board games isn’t particularly worldly – my mom wouldn’t allow games that were satanic (D&D) or involved murder (Clue) – but I’ve had my share of action.

Before anybody starts complaining – “Where’s Pictionary?  Where’s Taboo?” – I enjoy those games, they are pretty fun to play with groups of people, but to me there is far too much input for the players to consider them board games.  They are more like performance art.  I think strategy and chance are the key components to a great board game, not the ability to quickly draw simple-yet-accurate drawings or to have friends that aren’t retarded.

Imma break this into two parts, because then it will be two posts (I’m getting pretty tired)…

The Best Board Games Ever (Part I)

10.  Don’t Break The Ice / Operation

Games: Teaching kids about tragic accidents and congenital heart disease for years

Description: I’ve got to give a nod to something for the young ones and to recognize the skill/dexterity element of boarding (as we board gamers call it).  I personally despise the newer wave of skill games like Jenga, mostly because I stink at them and they aren’t really improved by enjoying a martini while playing.  (I like to think that it’s my propensity for drinking that causes the shaky hands, not my family’s propensity for getting Parkinson’s.)

Most people probably prefer operation to the lesser-known DBTI, but I preferred the latter: there was no need for batteries, there were no incredibly tiny pieces to invariably lose (although if you lost too many ice blocks in DBTI, you were really f*cked), and I liked the sense of being able to potentially protect of someone who was healthy – the Moe-looking guy on Operation had so many problems that he wasn’t long for this world anyway.  Certainly that nose was a sign of either alcoholism or skin cancer, which the game failed to even diagnose.

Enhanced by Alcohol: No, I didn’t drink much when I was five.

Fistfight Potential: Not really, kids were mostly into eating play-doh, and I don’t think grownups would be playing these much.  Still sweet games though.

Any Downside? The aforementioned lost pieces were a killer in both games.  And who ever used the money and cards in Operation?  I didn’t even know those existed until I was expertly putting that picture together.

9.  Yahtzee

Known as "Bar Dice" in Wisconsin

Description: A game that teaches probability and suggests a future interest in casino craps?  Sign me up.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Yes, in fact, when in Wisconsin I learned that the bartenders keep a Yahtzee! game for slow nights and will play it with customers – if you lose you buy a drink, if they lose, they buy you a drink – phenomenal.  One of the rare no-downside cases for the consumer.

Fistfight Potential: Not really, most people in Wisconsin are pretty amicable.

Any Downside? A great board game really shouldn’t have a diminishing element (ie a need to buy refills) – those scorecards don’t last forever.  That’s how the getcha.

8.   Uno

Learn spanish and the concepts of betrayal and retribution all at the same time!

Description: A simple card game where you attempt to screw people over and avoid being screwed.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Without question.  Uno is actually more fun as an adult, when you can though a “Draw Four” on your SO while enjoying a Red Bull and vodka and cursing and yelling.  Good times.

Fistfight Potential: The potential for collusion (not to cheat, just to screw one person disproportionately) is high, but generates less fistfights and more quitting (with a disgusted scattering of cards thrown in).

In one of the greatest achievements in word game history, I got "bonebreaker" in both games on the same day

Description: Nerd games where people who like read and stuff have an advantage.  Scrabble gets all the love, but I actually prefer Boggle and working within a framework that starts from scratch every few minutes.  I’ve actually only played Scrabble a few times as an adult, but I am badass; I have no idea why we didn’t have it as a kid given that my mom was always making me compare our scores in “It Pays To Increase Your Word Power” in Reader’s Digest and I was a champion speller (damn you, “obscured” – how does f-cking “occurred” have two r’s and you don’t!)

Enhanced by Alcohol: Maybe a bit of wine helps, but you can’t go on a real bender and expect to throw up some sweet triple word, triple letters.

Fistfight Potential: Moreso in Boggle, where strange things can happen.  I once had an SO who could trounce me in Boggle every time, despite the fact that I had prob 80 IQ points on her.  She had the strategy of making everything friggin plural and also could do all the “bad, dad, sad, lad, cad, had, zad, qad” BS….so there was usually some frustation/anger involved.

6.  Twister

Bikini Twister variant trumps Star Wars Monopoly

Description: I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually played Twister, but I really wanted to include this picture.

Enhanced by Alcohol: Um, yeah.

Fistfight Potential: Only if the baby oil runs out.

Later,

Chilly17

So I was watching Scarface the other day on the BET Network (yes, it suffers from the chainsaw torture censorship, but the music and dancing styles are timeless) and was alarmed by the mixed messages their advertisements were sending me.  As a lazy American consumer, I like to be led immediately to a conclusion, be it by overwhelming group sentiment (“you don’t have an iPhone?  You are a f-cking asshole, then”) or concise ads that point out what’s missing in my dreary existence (apparently, a wide variety of super-mops and absorbent devices).  What I got, instead, shocked me to my very core.

The first commercial was for a product that I can’t imagine was ever desired by anyone: Trojan Fire & Ice condoms.  Perhaps my birth control knowledge is antiquated, but I believe condoms are very rarely used in situations where a relationship is at the “let’s spice things up (literally, by putting something that provides varying thermal sensations to your privates)” stage.  Condoms, I believe, are mainly used in instances where alcohol has tipped the balance of power in such a way that a less attractive person has the opportunity to sleep with a more attractive person.  Since it is widely known that unattractive people will sleep with just about anyone, a condom enters the picture to prevent the spread of disease and/or unattractive babies.

The bar environment is not one where you want to be trying a Fire & Ice – a burning sensation should be nature’s way of saying “hey, maybe you just hooked up with the wrong person” not the exciting prelude to the icy stage.  And most loving, devoted long-term relationships manage to heap the birth control responsibility on the chick, just as God intended.  They aren’t sitting around having arguments that can only be solved by using Bengay-infused condoms.  Real couples looking for the fire and ice effect simply go for the time-tested Nair and Altoids method.

The condom commercial had my head spinning, and then they segue into this:

I was pretty well convinced this was a parody of some sort, but then there was no Energizer Bunny or Chris Parnell to be seen.  Apparently, Huggies actually sells diapers that look like they are jean shorts.  This is wrong on about 100 levels, not the first of which is “don’t further promote the myth that jean shorts are acceptable attire – this isn’t f-cking Canada.”  Diapers are just plastic bags that are eventually gonna hold poop, there’s no real need to decorate them.  Have you ever wondered why portajohns haven’t changed in 30 years, despite all the advances in technology and innovation?  Because they are just plastic receptacles that are gonna hold poop, that’s why.  Why bother trying to beautify something, that, at the end of the day, is gonna be sh-tty?

And why is BET trying to confuse me?  Couldn’t they put these commercials on at different times?  Am I supposed to knock somebody up or not?  Both spots are suggesting that boot knocking is a pretty solid idea, but to what end?  On the one hand, I can have what sounds like torturous climate change all in the ecosphere of an uncomfortable sheath.  On the other hand, I might end up with a kid who’s walking down the street and apparently hitting on both men and women.  Actually, those both sound terrible…maybe this is an undercover abstinence campaign?  Anyway, BET, do a better job next time.  Maybe have one of the extremely uncomfortable lube commercials on with the condom commercial?

I’ll add a little public service work before I go.  Attention, condom technologists: you aren’t doing it right, nobody wants that fiery, icy sh-t.  Here’s what you should be working on: a condom with an RFID chip that activates when the package is opened.  This sends a signal to some *Onstar like control tower in the sky, which determines the location of the chip and calls a cab to arrive at that location seven minutes after the package is opened.  One minute for awkward fumbling, two minutes for banging, four minutes of small talk (“say, it would’ve been great if for 30 seconds there was a warm sensation and for 30 seconds there was a cold sensation”) and then “my ride’s here – later.”

Send any royalties earned from sales of these condoms to chilly@wastedpotentialz.com

Later, Chilly17

One of the perks of the bling bling laid off lifestyle is that I have ample time to pursue my hobbies of drinking and watching television – neither a truly solitary pursuit.  One of the drawbacks of being old is that all my contemporaries are myopically focused on matters such as marriage, children, “the future” and all that – practically none of my old crew is willing to get drunk at noon on a random Tuesday for no reason.  Everybody’s all “I’ve gotta work” or “I live in Cleveland.” All too often, I have to Wooderson it up with folks 2/3 my age to have any shot at a Goldschlager drinkoff or an unplanned bus ride to AC.  I need new friends – here’s what I’m looking for.

Sagacious, Heavyset Older Black Dude – Coach Mo (The Biggest Loser)

I'm almost certain he plays craps, too

If you’ve ever seen The Biggest Loser, you’ve surely noticed that everyone in the house always loves the older black dude, be it Coach Mo or Unc O-Neal or whoever.  Those dudes share their wisdom and life lessons, have a gentle sense of humor and an optimistic vision of the future.  Plus, they would probably totally enjoy drinking boozed-up Arnold Palmers and playing some dominos.  I gotta go with Coach Mo here, because Unc’s relationship with Sunshine was a little too weird.  (Note: this slot would totally have gone to Christopher “Big Black” Boykin before he went and had a kid – that guy appeared to eat as many tortilla-based foods as I do, plus was down with doing any kind of stupid sh-t.)

Platonic Hottie Friend – Cat Deeley (So You Think You Can Dance and, no, it totally isn’t ghey to watch that show – few other shows feature nubile chicks dancing in their underwear)

Too sweet to even consider banging

Cat Deeley is the strangest of creatures: she’s clearly way hot, but her nurturing bubbliness somehow renders her almost asexual.  She’d be perfect for the crew: she’s good at consoling people who’ve f*cked up, she’s tall enough to play power forward in a pinch, and she says “er” instead of “a” at the end of words that end with “a”.  And, she doesn’t appear to be too bothered by extremely sweaty people.  (Note: it would be hilarious if Cat was a total bitch in real life, because she honestly seems like she might be a living saint onscreen.)

Ex-Soldier With A Nickname – Poot from The Wire

Worth it for the Omar stories alone

It woulda been my boy Bodie, but Bodie got himself shot.  Being an ex-soldier from a different Street, I respect that Poot got out of the game and got a sensible job at Foot Locker.  I also know he’d be happy to hop the bus to AC on a moment’s notice – the ride from B-more isn’t that long.  And with that hairline, there’s always something to bust on him about.  I’m not even gonna hold it against him that he shot Wallace, since Wallace somehow got reincarnated into a pretty annoying quarterback on FNL.

Idea Guy/Muscle – Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Plus, he knows Green Man

Tranny-banging aside, Mac has had plenty of solid ideas marred by poor execution on Always Sunny.  As the proprietor of a free blog and a trading account that has dropped 15% this week (come on by and kick me in the nads – everybody’s doing it), I could use some help in the money-making schemes department.  There are already synergies with his YouTube daredevil videos.  Plus, he is an expert martial artist, which is always handy.

Funny Fat Guy – John Caparulo

Midwest sensibilities add perspective and insight

Saw his standup last New Year’s eve, the guy is hilarious and he’d definitely be down with an impromptu trip to Taco Bell.  And let’s face it, if I don’t add somebody like this to the crew, then I’m the funny fat guy.  (Well, the fat guy, at least.)

Naive Pretty Boy With Weird Hair – Kyle from Party Down

Slashed: singer/actor/caterer

Everybody needs a friend you can get to believe stuff that isn’t true, because that kind of humor never gets stale.  Plus, he gets lots of ladies, and Cat’ll probably need somebody to talk to when no one’s sweaty or depressed.  And he has great access to wine and food from the catering gig – not sure if they’ve ever drank Yellow Tail on Party Down, but seems like a perfect fit (drinkable with great tanins).

Surprisingly Chill DJ With Weird Hair – Pauly D

He even likes American cars

Pauly D was by far the best part of Jersey Shore - funny guy, didn’t get caught up in any drama and was just there to have a great time.  That’s what my new posse’s gonna be all about – we might even call ourselves the No Drama Crew.  Might have to add Mary J. Blige, though.  Anyway, I cannot imagine a social situation which wouldn’t be improved by the presence of Pauly D.

Indian Guy Who I Inexplicably Left Off Of My Funny Indians List – Dave from Flight of the Conchords

Still lives at home, so pretty much always available to hang out

Every crew needs a sh-ttalker and every crew needs a pawn shop owner; Dave is both.  Pawn shop owners always have the most hilarious stories.  (Note: Flight, how about at least another hour special?  Anything?)

Person Who Says “Donka Do Balls” When In Police Custody –  Donka Do Balls Lady

No caption needed - the picture says it all

I actually just want to try to get to the same place she was at that night.  Just once.

Later,

Chilly17

Do you enjoy getting punched in the face?  I recall from boxing training at the Academy that I very much do not like getting punched in the face.  (To the point that a buddy and I tried to choreograph the final bout so we’d both squeak by with Bs.  Instead, the old-assed coach spewed a torrent of filthy (and, frankly, homophobic) insults and we ended up exchanging haymakers for a horrific three minutes.  My nose bleeds like a faucet; good times heading to take a Spanish test five minutes after the fight, blood all over the place, hands shaking and smelling like 50 year old communal boxing gloves and mask.)  This memory helped drive one of the many great ideas I had while working on a submarine: the one-punch policy.  (Note that in investment banking I did not have any great ideas – the downside of aging (or possibly exposure to radioactive stuff.))

What is the one-punch policy?  It’s a simple management technique in which managers are incentivized not to act like assholes because everyone in the organization is legally entitled to punch one person, once, per day, sans ramification.  One non-recourse punch.  (Actually, I should’ve come taken this a step further when in the finance world and securitized the punches, established the market for punch non-thrown swaps and maybe even figured out how to make a synthetic fist.)  Everyone is suddenly much nicer when they consider the fact that all the minions “stepping up” or “providing leverage” (translation: actually doing sh-t) could fire a right cross under duress of snide commentary or, heaven help, passive aggression.

This is a pretty natural progression of thought for me, considering that the one-punch policy is an offshoot of the concept of mutually-assured destruction.  All those subs with missiles hang out in the middle of nowhere so that subs with missiles operated by other countries know that if some shit goes down, they are definitely getting blown up.  Sure, we will take some hits (and that’s why there are so many missile silos in Nebraska and South Dakota – those spots make West Helena, Arkansas look like Vegas) but most likely we are going to blow [fill in the name of enemy country here]’s ass right off the map.  Point being: launching a nuke is a lose/lose proposition.  So is getting punched in the face, knowing that the other guy can retaliate or even have colleagues help to beat that ass (note that there are more junior folks than senior folks in pretty much every organization.)

Do people have to stand there and take the punch?  Of course not – not knowing what’s coming, or when, is part of the positive motivation.  You’d have to position yourself for a clean shot; if you miss you can get your own ass decked.  I suspect that if this system were in place, telephone communications with colleagues on Wall Street would rise something like 800%.  Usually you would all get in a room together to review a document, but with the possibility of the 73rd format change to a meaningless table on page 132 of a pitchbook causing a couple of analysts to lose their minds, I’m betting internal conference calls would suddenly be de rigueur again.

Later,

Chilly17

Looks are even further out of a baby’s control (unless they have somehow banged their head into a shape that is no longer roundish or something), so I’ve shied away from the unattractive baby topic to keep my karma intact.  (Hell, I might’ve even been an ugly baby myself.  I doubt it, based on how good-looking I turned out, but it’s possible.  As a baby, you generally aren’t even all that concerned with how hot you look.)  But given how supermodels are always talking about how “ugly” and “awkward” they were as pre-teens, perhaps being a super ugly baby suggests that the kid will grow up to be some kind of superdupermodel?  Seems likely, so willing to take a chance on a taboo topic. /Disclaimer)

Have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode with the “breathtaking” baby, the baby so unpleasant to the eye that Jerry and Elaine recoiled in horror?  I always thought that was typical sitcom exaggeration – what baby is that ugly?  Have you ever seen the television program Friday Night Lights?  (If you haven’t, you suck, I hate you and I wish a pox upon you and all your descendants.)  You know the one with all the really attractive actors?  And the shockingly ugly baby?  The one whose head looks way too much like Kristen Wiig’s Denise character on the Lawrence Welk Show skits?

When Gracie Belle’s large melon hits the screen, we scream and hide behind our hands like we are watching Friday The 13th instead of Friday Night Lights.  Her hats would be too big for Vince Vaughn.  She inexplicably sports a mullet hairstyle preferred by balding meth addicts in the south.  And the photo above is probably the best this kid has looked since infancy – there’s literally no screen shots out there of the “real” Gracie Belle, and I certainly am not subjecting myself to capturing them (seek them at your own risk).   This casting makes particularly little sense given that the Taylors’ other child is portrayed by Aimee Teegarden.

Note there's no resemblance to Target Lady

It’ll be alright, though, GB.  I understand you are played by triplets, so there’s a good chance that 1-2 of you will grow into those oversized noggins.  You might even be the first females to play in the NBA.

Later,

Chilly17