Wow, apparently writing the Oscar live-blog took a lot out of me – is it really Wednesday afternoon already?  I’m still pretty groggy, too; I’ve quickly moved from insomnia to CFS.  Not much going on in Chillyville at the moment.  Going to see some Big East games tonight, my first ever college hoops experience (never went to a Navy game, since I there after the David Robinson glory days).

We watched The Reader on HBO On Demand last night.  I wasn’t expecting much, I’d previously seen a preview for the movie while the channel was muted.  Based solely on the silent trailer I saw, I assumed the movie would contain the following, at a minimum (some spoilers, some not):

1. Some books
2. Some illiteracy
3. Someone uttering the following sentence: “Are you a good, a good….reader??”
4. Someone crying as they are being read to
5. Someone laughing hysterically as they are being read to
6. A short biography of the guy who invented the PDF format
7. Gratuitous Kate Winslet nudity
8. Lots of baths
9. Bad accents
10. At least one suicide

I realize this is a little dated, but the movie pretty much sucked – I didn’t really get the connection between any of the characters.  Hooking up with someone when you are 15 – much less a really bitchy someone – doesn’t make them your lifetime lobster.  (Yes, I’m using an analogy that may be inaccurate as my source of information was Phoebe from Friends).  And the twenty minute epilogue felt really out of place, like the director said “shit we’ve only got 100 minutes here, to be taken seriously as a Nazi love story, this needs to be at least two hours long.”  The bloopers after the credits were fucking hysterical, though, and really redeemed the rest of the film.  The best post-credit bloopers I’ve seen since Precious: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire.

I know everyone comes here for reviews of movies that came out like two years ago, so, once again, I am all over it.  Maybe next I will review The Empire Strikes Back (with spoiler tags, of course).  It’s important to keep the momentum rolling.

RIP, Corey Haim I haven’t checked any online death pool sites, but I’ve gotta imagine that Corey Haim was pretty high up the pecking order, didn’t seem like the dude could shake the hard stuff.  He was slightly outside of my demographic, since I had just turned 29 when The Goonies came out.  I do recall some bizarre videos that had surfaced a few years back showing him to be pretty delusional about his career prospects.

I have to wonder what would’ve happened to the “death montage” at the Oscars if this had happened last week?  They probably would have just snubbed Patrick Swayze a la Farrah.  Still pissed about the Farrah omission – I get that her most notable body of work was in television, but she made enough movies, and was at one point a big enough star, to get two seconds of screen time.

Skweezy $kweez If you are somewhere where foul language and adult content are acceptable, I highly recommend this video.

500 words is pretty good for a lazy Wednesday – later,

Chilly17

8:10 PM:  Getting a bit of a late start.  Joining me for this intimate oscar party is an old friend and fellow decorated veteran: General Tso.  Will also be working through the three opened bottles of wine left over from last night.  Think I’ll start with the Yellow Tail, it really accentuates the flavor of chinese food.

I watched some of the pre-show on E!, that Juliana Rancic is fucking annoying.  Good to see the Twilight kids are gonna be here tonight; I was worried that they wouldn’t find work.  And how tall is Kathryn Bigelow?  Compared to Seacrest she appeared to be roughly as tall as Na’vi Jake Sully.  She needs a nickname; I think K-Bigs works pretty well.  Good luck, K-Bigs.  Heard Meryl was either being a bitch or pretending to be a bitch, have to check the twitter.

8:50 PM:  Fucking technology.  I just lost 40 minutes of stellar live blog commentary.  Now you’ll have to settle for this junk.  Have to try and recall some of the tidbits.

Taylor Lautner looked like he was gonna barf when Alec Baldwin mentioned his name – SO wisely recognized that as the same fear you get when the comedian is talking to you at a comedy club.

Waltz wins Best Supporting, huge shock.

Surprised that they brought out NPH for the musical number, that’s gotta be Adam Shankman’s idea.  I love NPH, but I think I just maximize the Baldwin/Martin goodness.

On thebiglead.com, the commenters argue about the hotness of practically every fucking chick in the world – there are even people who debate the hotness of Sophia Vergara!  But the consensus opinion is that Helen Mirren is hot.  She’s in her sixties.  She’s freaky, too; she was in X-rated Caligula back in the 70s.  (I do not recommend this film for the non-squeamish – some scenes depict alternative uses for appendages that are definitely non-erotic.)

I thought you had to have some dramatic chops or extremely strong mainstream appeal to be an Oscar presenter?  Ryan Reynolds?  Cameron Diaz also seems a little weak.  Scratch that – Miley fucking Cyrus?!?!  And Amanda Whatshername?

Up and Up In The Air should join forces and try to win Best Picture as Really Long Movie About Upness.

Over/under for mentions of the Cameron/Bigelow marriage?   I think four, currently at one.

Young Kirk introducing District Nine?  That’s kind of ironic, as it was widely thought that either D9 or Star Trek would get the final Best Picture nod.

If this fucking computer screws me over again I’m gonna throw it outside.

9:11:  Commercials are pretty lame, I thought they used to bust out some Super Bowlesque ads?  So little drama this year, advertisers probably collectively said “fuck it.”

General Tso punched me in the gut, feeling woozy.

Nice job by RJD and Tina Fey.  I’m picking Inglourious Basterds in a slight upset.  Boal wins for THL!  First of many, I suspect.  Nice quick speech, too.

Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick?  Must be a John Hughes tribute.

9:29:  Hughes tribute was solid – amazing how prolific he was in the 80s/90s and the high quality level he maintained.  Some all time classics in his oeuvre.  I might have to fire up a little Ferris Bueller tonight.  Can’t figure out what Cusack was in of his though?  Nice Baldwin clip.

Why do they make a fuss over the short films?  This should be like the “best key grip” awards that got cut from prime time – nobody has seen/heard of any of these short films.  Except maybe for that Wallace and Gromit one.

So far, this has been pretty dull.  The Yellow Tail is gone, have moved over to some Spanish red that was brought over.  Not as tasty as Tail, but will do for now.  God I hope I don’t have to resort to white wine.

Best Documentary Short?  That’s 50x less relevant than the category I was just dissing.  It’s not like people are generally sitting around going “you know what I could really go for right now?  A documentary.  But nothing too long, is there a theater showing a bunch of thirty minute documentaries?”

Were those short doc winners having a fight onstage?  I couldn’t figure out what the heck was going on, I thought the fat lady was translating, but then it seemed like she might’ve been Kanye-ing.

Ben Stiller in blueface?  Could somehow be residue from the collective kissing of JC’s ass, but I don’t approve of this sci-fi minstrelsy.

Come on Star Trek – the makeup award ain’t no joke!  Yes!  Fuck that Best Picture omission!

9:49:  Best Adapted Screenplay coming up, I’m 1/2 so far but expect to get the rest of my picks right.  Nice little dose of Naughty By Nature there, I didn’t really expect to hear “OPP” tonight.

Does Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire have the most awkward title ever?  And as I typed that, it won!  Wow, that’s a major upset as Up In The Air was thought to be a heavy favorite.  I’m gonna have to check out P:BOTNPBS, but I will have to be in a very specific mood.  This guy seems like he might not make it through the speech, he might collapse.  I’m somewhat shocked, I thought I would only get one pick wrong.  Other upsets ahead?

Queen Latifah has really not wasted potential.  Jesus, I was listening to some “hip hop of the 80s/90s” playlist on napster and heard her on a song with Moni Love from 15 years ago.  Now she’s introducing the honorary award at the fucking Oscars.  such UNwasted potential.  I’m gonna put this wine down and turn my life around.

I guess maybe I’ll just finish the wine, makes no sense to waste it.  It’s from Peru.  Or Spain.  Somewhere else.

Maybe my “Who’s had the better career: Robin Williams or Steve Martin?” debate has been settled tonight.  Steve is co-MC and RW is introducing best supporting actress.  It would be a major shocker if Mo;n>’q:que didn’t win.

Jake and Maggie pronounce their name “jill in hall”?  I always thought it was “gill in hall”?  That’s my worst pronunciation error since I found out it’s “key osk” not “kai osk”.

Holy shit that P:BOTNPBS clip scared the shit out of me.  M:o’n*i)q%ue with the expected win.  She does not come across as being very hilarious for a comedian.  She seems angry, more like a contract killer than a sitcom star.

10:04:  JC Penney with the prime time advertisement.  I own some JCP shares, they have been on fire recently after shitting the bed.  Keep up the strong work, retail pick of mine (with some help from the sellside analysts who put it on their “lock of the year” lists).  I’m gonna go there tomorrow and see if they have any adult sized garanimals.

Chilly Trivia:  I’ve never owned an iPod.  I was an early mp3 adopter and have used both legal and illegal versions of napster since.  I almost got an iPod touch last week when my POS Zen finally died, but instead went with the Sansa Fuze. I foolishly would rather pay $15/month for library access that I rarely use instead of paying $1 for a song to own forever.

Damn, some of these speeches are fucking sad.  This dude who worked on Avatar was told he was gonna die 13 years ago?  I’m getting depressed – get some happy fuckers up there who just want to get drunk and stuff.

I keep forgetting about twitter.  I’m gonna do some twittering too since I’m “working” tonight.  chilly_17, ya’ll.  I have one follower, which is pretty awesome.  I cannot put that twitter button on this site when I only have one follower – that might indicate lameness (no offense, Flint).

Way to throw Twilight into the horror film montage.  Wow – I have twitter open in another tab and someone said the same exact thing.  There are no original thoughts.  Actually, there are no original vapid thoughts.

10:25:  Sound Editing.  Getting to the big boys.  THL with the win!  I’m expecting a sweep of the top two here.  Cmon K-bigs!  I’m gonna check twitter to see if that nickname is taking over.

K-bigs is not taking the world by storm.  Dammit.  Giving nicknames is one of my strongest attributes, along with foosball and getting people to go for long lunches.

Ryan from The Office and Naughty By Nature!  A special night indeed.  If only Ryan and the rest of the namesake crew in IB had been in the frickin movie.

I’m at almost 1400 words already?  Time flies when you are drinking wine, half watching something and typing, while simultaneously trying to digest some lumps of battered and fried chicken-type product and checking the market futures.  Damn, I actually sound somewhat busy.  I should call my parents.  They think I’m one of those silver statue of liberty guys at central park and living in a cardboard box.

You know what rules about a live blog?  I don’t have to really worry about editing it.  Homophone errors?  Too late to worry about that.  Or should I say: to late two worry about that?

Tribute portion – Swayze in the first slot.  That’s it?  He got fucked.  That’s bullshit.  Karl Malden closes out the montage?  I love me some Streets of San Francisco, but come on.  Ghost, Point Break, Dirty Dancing, etc – they should’ve recognized.  Mild applause for Michael Jackson was also surprising, seemed like Brittany Murphy evoked one of the biggest reactions.

10:49:  Is it just me (and SO), or are there some So You Think You Can Dance fuckers on this medley?

Yep, that’s definitely Kayla.

I’m sure that breakdancing dude’s mom has been giving him shit his whole life, and now he’s doing a three minute solo at the Academy Awards.  Yet unanother example of unwasted potential.  After I finish this drink, I am seriously done with all this tomfoolery.  Time to dedicate myself.

I just realized, no Farrah in the death montage???  That thing was seriously wrong – they fucking almost omitted Swayze and then they did omit Farrah.  Does no one remember Logan’s Run?  What about Dr. T and The Women?  Okay, Dr. Tsucked, but still she was in movies and she was at one point the biggest star in the world.  Same does not hold true for Karl Malden, despite my love for American Express.

11:03:  It seems like the hosts are not really all that involved in the show.  I was expecting a bit more, really.

How long is this gonna last?  I’m getting bored, just spent the last seven minutes trying to figure out why T’s comments always go to moderation.  It’s possible that my computer has recognized him as some kind of anarchist banker, as Railbird’s comments do not go to moderation.  Computer, does railbird get a free pass because she’s a girl?

Fuck Avatar.  Although I enjoyed it, my expectations were supremely low (and it was raining in Florida, so what else were we gonna do?  A whale had just killed someone, so SeaWorld wasn’t happening).  The Hurt Locker.  K-Bigs.  Let’s do this.  One for two will not suffice.

11:25:  This is longer than the Super Bowl.  I should definitely have bought more wine.

Remember when Julianne Moore didn’t wear any pants or underwear when she was ironing in Short Cuts?  Robert Altman was a great director.  One of the few extremely long movies I enjoyed.

Are they gonna intro all the Best Actors with a panel of colleagues?  This shit might last until 2:00 AM.  Vera Farmiga sounds like an entree at an upscale Italian restaurant.

Godammit, second technology fuckup of the night.  DVR cut off and we somehow missed the chat up about Jeremy Renner.  How does Colin Farrell even know that guy?  I’m pissed right now.  Cmon JR.

Bridges with another expected victory.  I’m starting to get a little worried about the blue men taking the end of the night.  So many bad omens so far.  I like Bridges, and he definitely seems either drunk or high.

Wow, Oprah and Forest Whitaker?  Star power for the Best Actress testimonials.  Wait, Whitaker directed Hope Floats?  Really?  If Bullock wins, it’s gonna be a combination of her broad appeal and sustained career, not for any real substance.  Not quite a career achievement award even, because she doesn’t have that much substantive “work”.

If the vote was done right now, Oprah might swing the vote.  Gabby seems like a real cool person, and comfortable in her own skin, but she needs to lose a few elbees, for health’s sake.  Jeebus.

I’m running a 15k later this month, not sure if I mentioned it on here yet.  If I was less fat, I would run faster.  But eating is one of my hobbies.

I feel a little bad for Stanley Tucci that he got nominated for such a despicable role.  I listened to The Lovely Bones as I drove cross country, and it pretty much sucked.  But the killer of Susie Salmon was a pretty bad guy.  I like guys like Stanley who can play like 7-8 different races.  He was awesome in Big Night.  (Actually, the food was awesome in Big Night, that movie introduced me to risotto.  I’m from the South, there spaghetti is exotic.)

Sandy with the win.  Snooze.  Although she’s pretty likable, and Jesse James was one of the few tolerable people involved with the last Celebrity Apprentice.

K-BIGS!!!!  Solid win.  Let’s hope Best Picture doesn’t slip away.  Is she boning Jeremy Renner?  I heard he might play Green Arrow in a Justice League movie.  Or maybe it’s Hawkeye in an Avengers movie.  He’s being considered for one of the superhero archer roles in a team movie.

Tom Hanks does not fuck around, I guess because it was 11:59.

The Hurt Locker does not bomb at the Oscars!  (Witty writing – free of charge).  How tall is K-Bigs, like 6′7″?  Glad to see things work out like they were supposed to.  2300 words on Sunday night.  I’m done for a day or two.

Sincerely,

Chilly17

I used to be quite the movie aficionado, before the internet came along.  I recall driving an hour to see Crash – the weirdo David Lynch movie, not the lame-assed, heavy-handed, inexplicable Best Picture winner of a few years later.  I rented the Red, White, Blue movies from that Polish director.  (They sucked).  I watched a lot of indie crap (and a lot of Parker Posey), occasionally finding a diamond in the rough like Shallow Grave or Walking and Talking.  I didn’t give a shit about the Oscars.

But as I got older, the Oscars got releventer and releventer.  That, or I got more interested as people started having Oscar parties.  I enjoy occasions where alcohol flows liberally and people withhold judgment about what is acceptable behavior.  (Although I wouldn’t recommend going to an Oscar party with film school students; I attended one such affair at USC in 2002 – the level of jargon used was bankerish.  ”The grip work on that tracking shot in Unforgiven was sooooo amazing.”)  The last Oscar party I attended had only five guests; it was not a rousing affair.  In 2010, I’m going to step things up by hosting my own Oscar party.  Who am I inviting?  Nobody, except Mr. Yellow Tail.  And Mr. Computer.  I had such an enjoyable time live blogging the Super Bowl I’m gonna do the same thing for the Academy Awards.  Also, it’s much easier than just thinking up a real topic for a post.  Plus it will allow me to spend some time trend-following on Twitter.  Exciting.

In advance of that, here’s who/what I think will win the major awards.  I’ve seen most of the contenders with the exception of Precious – I’m saving that for a time when I find myself in a suicidal or homicidal mood, seems like it’s a real hoot – so I’m more than qualified for this.  That said, I think most of the big awards are pretty much locks, shouldn’t be much drama.  Unless Christina Hendrick decides to wear a halter top.

(I will also include Entertainment Weekly’s projection based on their insider information and shit – that’s called adding some fucking value.)

Best Supporting Actress

Looks like a strong role model

I say:  Monique.  Awards always favor one word artists: Cher, Madonna, CarrotTop, Snow, Houdini, Fabio, the list is practically endless.  Wait, she spells it Mo’Nique?  WTF…

EW said:  Mo’Nique, in a walkover.

Best Supporting Actor

I wonder why pipes like that are no longer in vogue?

I say:  Christoph Waltz.  He was delightful as the Nazi with the heart of gold.  (I still don’t understand how that movie ended though – those Basterds didn’t so much kick ass as accept a resignation.)  Also, what’s up with no “er” on the end of his name?  These Best Supportings have some weird first names.

EW said:  Waltz, in a waltz.  (Wordplay.)

Best Actress

The face of altruism

I say:  Sandra Bullock.  I haven’t seen The Blind Side, but I did read Liar’s Poker and I do wish the Niners had drafted Michael Oher, so I have a good feel for it.  (It’s the touching story of how some kindly Ole Miss boosters took in a gigantic homeless kid and paved the way for him to eventually attend Ole Miss and, shockingly, play football there.)  This is a lifetime achievement award for Bullock; she also probably benefits from Streep fatigue here.

EW said:  Bullock, by a nose.

Best Actor

He looks so soulful, as if he's had his share of ups and downs in life, but learned from them

I say:  Jeff Bridges.  I haven’t seen Crazy Heart, but apparently it’s a virtual clone of  The Wrestler, right down to the lead actor deserving some major awards.  Bridges has none of the personal legacy issues Rourke had and will finally score some gold man group.  Bridesmaid no more.  Did you know he was nominated for Best Actor for Starman?  Seriously?  Wow.

EW said:  Bridges, huge.  (I guess I’m just regurgitating their picks, but like I said, most of these are no-brainers.)

Best Adapted Screenplay

Don't fall for it, George - she's a bitch!

I say:  Up In The Air.  Everybody loves this movie, but it’s not gonna win many awards given the other powerhouses this year.  So it’ll grab the adapted screenplay consolation prize.  (I’m looking forward to seeing this movie without jackasses talking throughout; still bitter about that experience.  Went to see Avatar last week in Florida, and there was another family talking throughout.  I hate people.)

EW said:  Up In The Air, landslide

Best Original Screenplay

This scene comprises about half of the Basterds' screen time

I say:  Inglourious Basterds.  Cineastes love them some QT, it’s been 15 years since he won the screenplay award for Pulp Fiction.  He’s due.  Although I’m still pissed about that movie – it should’ve been called That One Girl The Nazis Didn’t Kill, The Suave Nazi and The Nazi War Hero.

EW said:  The Hurt Locker by a small margin.  (See, I’m not all chalk.)

Best Director

Lots of juicy subplots here

I say:  Kathryn Bigelow.  She’s actually made a bunch of awesome movies, she’s due for some recognition and The Hurt Locker was the shit.  Would be pretty sweet for her to be the first female to win Best Director and to beat her ex-husband, James Cameron, for the award.  It’s all happening.

EW said:  Bigelow over Cameron, pretty close though.

Best Picture

I need to watch this again

I say:  The Hurt Locker.  I finally saw Avatar last week and was pleasantly surprised (expectations were low).  But I can’t believe that it’s gonna overtake THL.  Too intense, too well-acted, too topical, too awesome.

EW said:  The Hurt Locker, close.

Special bonus investment advice:  Don’t short Apple.  Ever.

I will be live-blogging this bitch on Sunday,

Chilly17

I haven’t done a lot of investigative journalism on this site, largely because it sounds pretty hard.  Consumer activism, sure – we all deserve to have access to reasonably priced salsa.  But up to this point, I really haven’t had the energy or inclination to seek out answers to any of life’s mysteries or anything like that.  Until now, that is.  I recently took a flight to Japan for the sole purpose of acquiring a wasabi KitKat.  Why does this product exist?  What reasonable person would purchase this?  How long after ingestion before you feel the urge to regurgitate?  It even ties back to my most noteworthy post, where I mentioned the insane KitKat flavors available in Japan.  (With no slight intended, I think we can all agree that Japanese culture is pretty damn weird when viewed from the lens of “not insane.”  Something like 35% of the population of Japan owns a stuffed AFLAC duck.  People actually live in drawers like that Seinfeld episode.  Dudes have public relationships with large dolls.  Even the Japanese find themselves to be bizarre, so crazy food is to be expected.)  One quick observation: the Japanese fucking love them some KitKats.  There’s like 3,000 different varieties.  Come to think of it, I probably should have bought more than just this one box, now I will probably have to go back to try the flavor with the inexplicable red-faced demon on the package.

Startlingly jetlagged after my run to Japan and back, I decided to get some rest before the taste test, wanting the WKK to have the benefit of a level playing field.  For the playing field, I used our kitchen counter, and even set the WKKs next to the wastedpotentialz happy first birthday cupcake for comparison’s sake.  (Yeah, that’s a Reese’s cup atop the cupcake – making it a cupcake on multiple levels – and it’s that Reese’s peanut butter egg time of year.  Haven’t seen one yet, but I’m gonna load up when I do.)  Let’s get down to bizness.

Wasabi KitKat Taste Test

Appearance:  The WKK looks like a normal white chocolate KK, right down to saying “KitKat” in plain old English.  (In case it isn’t obvious, I don’t have giant-sized hands – these are bite-sized KKs.  In fact my hands are pretty dainty, which probably explains why I could never quite dunk.  Stupid tiny hands.)

First impression: looks okay

Rationale:  Unclear.  Must be purely cultural, as I can think of no logical reason that one would desire a combination of wasabi and candy bar.  Although given that the Japanese apparently also enjoy squid- and gravel-flavored KitKats, what do I know?

Taste:  Ever eaten a white chocolate candy bar?  You know, where your taste buds immediately scream “this is fucking delicious” but by the end of the bite they are saying “hey, that’s kind of too fucking sweet!”?  A similar process is in play here, except for after that first “this is fucking delicious” part, imagine someone came up to you and squirted some horseradish in your mouth.  Somewhat unpleasant.  (Must be the tannins – it’s always the tannins that fuck up the finish.)

It's hard to focus when you are not feeling well

Overall:  I’m gonna give this an official grade of blechhh.

Something New Is Going On Here, But What?

That smell you smell?  Capitalism.  Just look to your right, you see it up there?  That’s an Amazon.com ad.  See, if that ad causes one of your synapses to fire up the “I need to buy something and I’m too lazy to type in amazon.com so maybe I’ll just click here to spare myself the effort” process, then I will make some cash if you buy something.  How much cash?  A lot of cash, assuming you well-to-do motherfuckers (I see where you work, you guys/gals are some BSDs) spend all of your disposable income at amazon.  I’m talking a couple of burritos per month kind of cash.

You are probably wondering, what’s the downside?  Will Chilly have access to my credit card information or know what kind of products I’m buying?  The answer is no and no.  So TDiddy, continue to order marital aids with wild abandon.  1#, no one will find out about your bulk orders of Tuck Medicated Pads or your purchase of The Dummies Guide to the NFL.  This is a veritable win-win situation.  Actually, I guess it’s more of a win-don’t lose situation, since I’m really the only one that comes out ahead on this deal.  But I promise you that this cash grab will not change the attitude, content or ideology behind this blog.

Bonus Product Review:  Swisher 66-Inch Zero Turning Radius Pro Series Riding Lawn Mower with 27 HP Kohler Courage VTwin Engine

Do you want to be the envy of the entire neighborhood? The choice is yours

Comfort: The model I tested had the heated leather seats and DVD option – the thing is so fucking comfortable we moved it into the living room and now favor it over the couch.  The engine is ninja-silent and changing the bags is a breeze.  Also, it looks badass.  Grade:  A+++

Performance: I mowed our backyard in less than five minutes with this mower – impressive.  Honestly, I think I could take care of our entire block’s lawnmowing needs with this badboy.  They advertise 27 hp, but it feels more like 350 or so; I’m certain it could run with my old 911.  Grade: A++++++

Value: Absent prior knowledge of the price, I assumed this machine was in the $8-9k range.  However, I found it for only $6,371.74 at Amazon.com! (They really have everything there, at great prices – I love that place.)  Deal of the century.  Grade: A+++++++++++++++++

Overall: Consider yourself a fucking moron if you don’t buy one (or more, having a backup mower is always smart) of these right now.  Grade: A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Happy mowing – Oscar picks tomorrow,

Chilly17

…me, I guess…this place is now one year old!  (No need to send me anything.)  To all the haters who said it couldn’t be done, look at me now!  A nice, tidy 150 posts – a few of which were 75% suck-free.  I’m clearly moving on up in the world.  A little reflection is due on a day like today, so let’s take a look back at some of the highlights of the last 365…christina, veronic, goatees

5 Things I’ve Learned (Other Than That People Are Fond Of Goatees, Would Like To See Veronica Hamel Naked And Are Curious To Know Christina Hendrick’s Dimensions)

1.  There are three kinds of people in the world: 1) Creative types who pursue their passions (artists, entrepreneurs, break dance crews), odds against them be damned; 2) Book-smart, risk-averse types who can execute and keep the ball rolling on pre-existing ideas; and 3) People who are the second type of person but think they fit in the first category.

2.  I’m a category three person.

3.  Frequenters of this site particularly dislike pharmaceutical rep stories.

4.  Homophone errors will happen even to the non-mentally disabled.

5.  A website – like a dog with a leash in its mouth, looking longingly at the door when you are trying to take a nap – can make you feel pretty guilty and lazy.

10 Strangest Search Queries That Led Someone Here

10.  fucking joyce davenport

9.  fuck yeah pretty sriracha

8.  hot chicks against tighty whities

7.  tourettes guy hot pot

6.  how many jello shots does a fifth of burnett s make

5.  avoiding the lecherous at holiday parties

4.  volcano burrito makes me sleepy

3.  groupies who been with peter criss

2.  potsy happy days menopause

1.  you have to ask me nicely pitches ebitda goddam right

Commenters of the Year

Tough battle at the top, but good stuff all around.

5.  T – Mysterious stranger who likes to throw stuff at little kids.

4.  EZ – Shining star from the early days who’s sadly gone radio silent.

3.  christmashangover – A consistent reminder of how drunk you shouldn’t get.

2.  Dicksuckha1#/Dicksuckha#1 – A mainstay of the site, adds significant value despite distinct maple leaf odor associated with comments.

1.  T-Diddy/T-Woww – The most prolific commenter; his legendary comment led to My Top Three Reality Show Ideas post.  MVP of year one in a closely contested battle.

Comment of the Year

Alyssa, I don’t know who you are, but please come back.   We need to hang out more.

Comment #5 from The Haunting Poetry of Lady Gaga post:

dear person,

you’re a fucking ra-tard. Poker face is about sexuality. RESEARCH LADY GAGA MORE DUMBASS.

It’s perfect.  From the very specific phonetics of “ra-tard” to the all caps finish, it’s just perfect.  Looking forward to more insights, A.  Call me.

Top Five Accomplishments of The Year (Yeah, You’ve Heard Many of These Before, Suck It Up, It’s Hard To Accomplish A Lot on A Free Website)

5.  My website was blocked by powers that be at Jefferies.

4.  I was briefly a player in the Megan Fox Google Image search arena.  Probably should look back on that era for a moment.

photo shoot, good. talking, bad.

3.  I created a word, tierarchy, to describe the power structure of wall street tie brands.  Creating a word is pretty bad-assed.

2.  My research has been well-received and I’m becoming a presence in the “munchos + anal leakage” search community.

1.  I am a bonafide candy bar expert.  It’s right there in Google.  I try to start up candy bar discussions whenever possible, then stun the crowd with the revelation that I am in fact the proprietor of an esteemed website recognized by Google as an expert in the field.  Fantastic at parties.

Coolest Thing That Happened All Year

Having Romeo JD of the Boogie Boys – only one of my favorite rap groups of the mid-80s! – leave a comment on this post about Reassessing My Life’s Goal.  Hopefully in 2010 somebody from UTFO will drop me a line and then we will be all set.

Time to have some cake,

Chilly17, wasting potential for 366 days now

OMG, we finally decided to get hitched!!!!!  Such a spontaneous decision, ya’ll!!!

Full disclosure:  Okay, we did not get hitched and that is not us.  But a surprising number of people roam around Disney wearing this gear.  (Although, I must admit the plain tophat mouse ears is much more pimp than the tuxedo-midriff mouse ears.)

Going to Disney was a major item on the ole bucket list – many people thought I wasn’t man enough to make it through the teacups.  Teacups were no big deal, and I even stood face-to-face with a bear at Pooh’s World.  My insomnia even paid off as we were among the first fuckers on-site; we rocked Space Mountain and Pirates of The Amazingly Large Gift Shop with a zero minute wait.

Couple of huge downsides to Orlando trip so far:

1.  I’m pretty sure we encountered the next Caylee/Casey situation.  Very disinterested mom wearing requisite pink sweatsuit, outwardly adorable little girl wearing pink outfit and pink mouse ears.  Then little girl threw fit and told her mom “I want to kill you” at least twice.  Mom is about to go haywire and then reels it in upon realizing she was in the massive Peter Pan line.  Wild card: this might be a “there’s something wrong with Esther (Sophie)” situation – kid had some creepy eyes.  Uncomfortable.  Also, that fucking Peter Pan line was 45 minutes long, while the ride itself was 45 seconds long.  After that, a few more “I want to kill you”s were heard as the throng departed.  (No more than twice by me)

2.  SeaWorld is not a barrel of laughs right now, we were gonna hit them up, too.  Feel horrible for the trainer and her family, obvs, but seems like they should let Tilly fend for himself in some ocean after being involved (at least tangentially) in three deaths.  I don’t think they should even breed him anymore, seems like a bad seed.  Could be a “there’s something wrong with Esther (Tilly)” situation.

Bonus small downside: It’s pretty frickin cold.  Our hotel has a lazy river, and I haven’t even taken a practice lap to chart out the basic tides/currents.  Dammit.

Chilly17

But I finally had a look at the “Epic Beard Man” video today, and there are clearly some lessons to be learned here.  There should be some general thumbrules regarding whether or not to start some shit with a stranger.  Here’s the video for the 5 people that haven’t seen it, so as to not spoil anything.

DISCLAIMER:  I did a significant amount of background reading on this because from the Youtube clip it appears that the old guy starts shit with a racial slur about shining shoes.  But apparently there was some confusion on that front as the young guy mentioned shoe shining first after he saw the old guy talking to his friend, a legendary Oakland shoeshiner.  Who knows?  With the sound off, it seems like some poor old dude is getting harassed by some young dude.  With the sound on, it sounds like some old racist started up with the kid and then baited him into a fight.  I think the truth is somewhere in between – the old guy clearly has some mental issues (he was tasered at an Oakland A’s game); the young guy was a little drunk and trying to impress some ladies via badassitude.  This post isn’t about right and wrong – both of these guys were dumbasses and they may both have started with bad intentions.  This post is about choosing an appropriate opponent if you want to start (or escalate) some shit.

When considering starting some shit with someone, avoid starting shit with anyone:

1.  Wearing a fanny pack (they clearly don’t give a fuck);

2.  Sporting forearm tattoos (although with the ubiquity of tattoos these days, this won’t hold true in ten years);

3.  Wearing an “I Am A Motherfucker” tee shirt (this will always hold true)

Side Note:  From reading the comments, everyone on the internet, of every race, is a racist.  And a badass.  Once again, I weep for the children.  Actually, since I’m childless, I guess I just weep for myself.

Off to waste some potential gangsta-style at Disney World,

Chilly17

Hermes baseball and glove.  $8500.  Can’t imagine it offers better performance than the Mizuno gear that the pros wear.  Can’t imagine that the casual baseball player is actually going to sport this in beer league.  Can’t imagine that any guests would look at this on your mantle and go “sweet glove, bro, what’s it worth, like $10,000?”  If one wants to impress people, a stack of 85 $100 dollar bills would do the trick just as well.  Or, actually, just add another 15 bills and then you’d have a banded stack of hundos.  Your friends would be more impressed with the fact that you have $10k liquid just laying around on your mantle.

The $4,800 Louis Vuitton frogskin condoms are also probably not a wise purchase.

Chilly17

Thursday of the following week is probably a little late for a weekend recap, the watercooler is presumably lukewarm by now.  But I soldier on.  On New Year’s Eve, we saw John Caparulo (of Chelsea Lately fame) do standup in Pasadena.  The show was hilarious, the drinks were massive and delicious (but ultimately contributed to a four day hangover) and a good time was had by all.  That good time, plus the fact that SO will laugh at basically anything (not including this website), led to the conclusion that we should spend more of our (ample) free time exploring the NYC comedy scene.

I live four blocks from The Upright Citizen’s Brigade theater, which is pretty significant in the world of improv.   Too bad improv performances vary so much in quality.  I have been to UCB a total of once.  (Although it was a good night, a friend of a friend got really hammered and we left him there passed out.  If only we’d have had some magic markers).  There are other, more traditional stand up spots right in our hood – Gotham Comedy Club (where they film a lot of Comedy Central specials) and Comix (where they embrace alternative spellingz).  We are big fans of 30 Rock, so when we heard that Judah Friedlander (Frank, the trucker hat guy) was playing Comix on Valentine’s weekend, we knew we had to check it out.

In an effort to be social gadflys, we asked a few different people if they wanted to go – there were shows on both Saturday and Sunday.  We ended up double-booking, as some folks preferred Saturday and some Sunday.  We decided to split the difference and go to both Gotham CC and Comix, back to back.  Double bling style.  We learned some things along the way.

Saturday Night: Gotham Comedy Club (Jeff Dye, Lenny Marcus, Some Dude Who Spoke Too Quietly, Some Lady MC)

Living just around the block, we assumed we could roll up to GCC and grab tickets for the 10:00 show at around 8:30, given the lack of big names and all.  We were incorrect – that shit was sold out.  We got put on the waitlist (shades of Chicago GSB) and headed next door to get some Righteous Urban Barbecue and hope we made the cut.  Our friends showed up, we had several drinks and then went to beg to be let in around 10:15 – the fuckers had already started letting waitlisters in without calling us!  (We were first on the waitlist.)  We got in (obviously, or why would I be writing this?) but the night had started in a sub-optimal manner.

We were seated in approximately the worst seats in the house – to the extreme left of the stage, as far back as possible.  You could kind of hear and kind of see the comedians.  When we got there some woman was discussing her love life; turns out she was the MC.  Then some guy with glasses came out and mumbled through a seven minute set of quiet observations about stuff.  Trying to convince ourselves that we weren’t in frigid New York, 3/4 of our group ordered margaritas.  Horrible call, as GCC inexplicably uses soda water in their margaritas; the worst margarita I’ve had since the one in the Dominican that had chocolate liqueur as a key ingredient.  Not off to a great start, but we were happy to be there and just getting settled in.

The penultimate comic, Lenny Marcus, was hilarious.  Anybody who can work “I’m gonna bang Dora the Explorer” into his routine is doing strong work.  He was awesome, but also only did about seven minutes.  We got to the headliner in what seemed like twenty minutes.  That guy, Jeff Dye, was funny, too, but I found him to be less memorable than Lenny.  It was kind of interesting that he used very little profanity, preferring to go the slacker/observational route.  Luckily, I wised up and ordered a martini (gin, of course, Bat) as my final required drink purchase.  Much better than the “margarita” but they tossed a lemon slice in there instead of a lemon peel (I’m an olive hater) – GCC bartenders could use a little training.  (Although the waiters and waitresses did a phenomenal job of navigating the crowded place with hilariously overloaded trays of drinks; only waitress looked like she could curl about 270 lbs.)

All in all, it was a pretty fun time, but would have been better if we’d had better seats and ordered differently.  Didn’t stop us from going back and playing wii until 3:00 AM, allowing me once again to ponder why I’m so fucking great at real bowling and why the frickin computer screws me so bad at virtual bowling.  Where’s the pin action!

Sunday Night: Comix (Judah Friedlander, Carmen Lynch, Some Funny-assed MC (Will? or William?))

We had red zone seats for this one (Note: that's not actually us, I'm younger than 73)

The next night’s crew was me, SO and two of her friends.  Armed with lessons learned, we bought our tickets online and picked them up about an hour early.  We positioned ourselves in the large bar area at Comix so that we would be among the first handful of people through the door to the stage area.  We then became the first people through the door, and the usher offered us “the best seats in the house” literally the table right in front of the mic stand, about a foot away from the performers.

There was some trepidation on our part.  Two of the ladies wanted to move slightly further away to minimize the chance of mocking/ridicule; I argued that the bright lights would likely prevent them from even seeing the people right in front and that moving back a row would make us even more of a target.  I was incorrect – everybody had something to say to our group.

Sample exchange:

MC:  What’s up with this group, are you all together, three girls and one guy?

Me:  That’s my girlfriend and these are her friends.  (Quick wit, personified)

MC:  Oh, I see, those two operate the video camera.

Despite the ever-present danger of being the butt of a joke, this was a much better experience.  I went martini from the kickoff: fishbowl-sized, appropriate lemon peel, perfectly made.  (Unfortunately, so did one of SO’s light-drinking friends, by the end of the show she was screaming “You perm your hair!” at Judah Friedlander).  The MC was funnier than the previous night’s headliner, and was apparently a huge fan of pleasuring himself.  Carmen Lynch, the warm up act, also brought the funny, unafraid to throw some unexpected vulgarity in the mix.  Plus, scoliosis jokes always kill.

Judah Friedlander has a shtick where he’s the World Champion of the World, and most of his act rotates around his preposterous deeds and accomplishments.  Definitely funny stuff, but he seemed to be kind of just riffing by the end, with a lot of “I wrestled a shark” bits that he could work into his banter with the audience .  I would have preferred a little more balance as the out-of-persona bits he threw out there were pretty damn funny.  Strong show, though, and a fun night.  (It was a very rare situation, though, where SO and I ended up basically babysitting the other two drunkards.  Those chicks devoured like 4 plates of chicken fingers and mo sticks after the show, it looked like something from Animal Planet.)

Lessons learned: Get there early with tickets in hand, order martinis, don’t wear brightly colored clothing or wear too many accesories.

Later,

Chilly17

I’ve been watching quite a bit of the olympics and it’s surprising how even the dumb sports can suck you in.  I’ve particularly enjoyed the biathlon, since it combines two activities that have nothing to do with each other into one compact olympic event.  Most Americans think that a “biathlon” is either a combination running/swimming event or a VH1 reality show marathon.  In fact its the illogical combination of cross country skiing and rifle shooting – pursuits best left to James Bond villains or survivalists.  It’s enjoyable to watch since it makes no sense, but we can do better at mixing random shit together.

Potential New Biathlon Events

1.  Luge / Field Goal Kicking:  Luge halfway down a mountain, then luger attempts five 35 yard field goals.  For every miss, luger has to go further back up the mountain to finish luging.

2.  Marathon Run / Hot Dog Eating:  Standard 26.2 mile marathon run, but competitors have to stop and eat 15 hot dogs every six miles.  Vomiting results in 1/2 mile penalty lap.

3.  Boxing / Spelling Bee:  Spelling bee is conducted between combatants after the second round; loser of spelling bee cannot defend himself or throw punch for first seven seconds of third round of boxing match.

4.  Kayak Race / Free Throw Shooting:  Competitors kayak out to an island, where they shoot ten free throws.  For each miss, competitors receive 20 yard penalty and have to carry their own kayaks backwards before re-entering the water.

5.  10K Speed Skate / Skee-Ball:  After 5K skate, competitors play a game of ski ball.  Scores below 360 result in one penalty lap, scores above 540 result in one lap advantage.

6.  Fencing / Boggle:  After two minutes (or two touches, whichever comes first), fencers will play one game of Boggle using standard egg timer.  If Boggle winner wins by ten words or less, he can switch his opponent’s weapon from epee to blade; if Boggle winner wins by more than ten words, he has the option of forcing his opponent to fence with weaker arm.

Dick of the Week:  I’m starting a new feature, the likes of which has never been seen before.  Each week that I am thinking of it, I will identify the Dick of the Week.  I could’ve gone with the obvious (John Mayer), but I instead feel that I really must instead recognize the fuckhead who rang our buzzer at 2:42 AM today.  Thanks, bro (or broette), I haven’t been having trouble getting to sleep at a reasonable hour or anything.  Don’t sweat the fact that I was fast asleep at 2:00 AM for the first time in like three months, or that I remained awake until about 7:00 AM after your dick move (although the one positive was the massive chicken quesadilla I made at 3:30 AM).  I usually buzz random people in in the middle of the night since there are very few psychopaths lurking about, sorry to leave you hanging.  You are the Dick of the Week – feel free to kill yourself.

This event put me a little off schedule, I’m shooting to a little weekend recap piece up later on Wednesday.  Sneak preview: this weekend was pretty comedy club-centric.

Later,

Chilly17, wasted potential