I’m rewatching Twin Peaks, trying to recapture a bit of my faded youth.  Not sure it holds up as much as I expected it too, but still decent.  Watched the Emmys the other night – Christina, as great as you are, you might want to tone down the breastiness a tad.  Entourage is shockingly even worse than it was last year, painful to watch.  Ari and Don Draper have both lost their mojo in a big way.

Later,

Chilly17

Still on one.

My parting gift is the video below – it’s breathtaking.  Apparently this girl is the daughter of some hedge fund billionaire and has put out a pop single in the spirit of Paris Hilton, etc.  This girl is so unattractive and untalented that she makes Khloe Kardashian look like a young Mariah Carey.  (Dealbreaker has been all over this, but I for some reason am a day or two late.)  It’s pretty unfathomable that somebody paid money to get this piece of shit made, and that this girl thinks she’s hot, because she is horrendous.  Even if you don’t click the video, look at the still below – she looks like the kid from Mask.  Even Gracie Belle (all three of them) project to look better than that at 18.  I don’t even think Flint would consider hitting that.

(Editor’s Note: Haha, she took that shitty assed video down.  Hopefully that is the end of her “career.”  Go spend dad’s money on some other shit and don’t subject us to more awful music and video imagery.  If I contributed in any way, then I can actually feel like I made a meaningful contribution to society.  If you are wondering how my gambling trip went, let me just tell you that I was giving $100 to basically anyone who high fived me from about 11:00 PM Saturday to 9:00 AM Sunday.  Yeah, I was still standing at the craps tables at 9:00 AM.  Yeah, I had some calf cramps that would send a lesser specimen to the hospital.  And, astonishingly, I didn’t lose it all.  Heading back next weekend, so will try not to get cocky – the craps gods do not appreciate cockiness.  But they do enjoy a good high five.)

Oh yeah, there’s still a friggin iPad to win, only halfway through the month.  Plenty of time left.

Later,

Chilly17

Just as the free-falling sands of time have wrought havoc with my social circle, so to have they pummeled my immediate family, all of whom are older – and lamer – than me.  Seriously, not one of them was interested in having a Goldschlager-drinking competition at my dad’s 76th birthday get-together.  Can you ever really outgrow horrific-tasting, overly-spirituous cinnamon schnapps?  About the only thing I can do with my family members is pray – and, even then, I am only praying for a desired outcome in a gambling event.  (Hard eight!)  Anyway, if I can shake the etch-a-sketch and just remake my roster of friends, I see no reason not to start over with family – blood might be thicker than water, but it’s thinner than an ethernet cable.

My New Mom – Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights)

No harm including Julie, too - just no Gracie Belle

The ages are a little tricky, but bear with me.  Sure, in real life, Tami would have to have gotten pregnant with me at age one month, which would be pretty young, even by Arkansas standards.  But, if you adjust for immaturity, I’m probably only about 26 – so she could’ve gotten knocked up at 16 or so, that’s certainly plausible.  Tami’s the perfect mom: loving, thoughtful, patient, strict, drinks a lot of wine, lives by her own moral code, probably is a costumed crime fighter after hours.  And, she is pretty tolerant of outbursts of yelling and insensitive heat-of-the-moment commentary – desirable maternal qualities, all.

My New Dad – Mick  (Gavin & Stacey)

He'd be down for a reasonable amount of Goldschlager

Unless you’re down with BBC America, you might not be too familiar with Mick, but, trust me, he’s the man.  The voice of reason and fun at parties?  He probably wouldn’t always say “when are you going back to work?” and “I hope you don’t need any money.”  And, he likes Indian food, so vindaloo wouldn’t be off-limits.  (While I’m at it, I’d change home base from Arkansas to somewhere more cosmopolitan, like Tulsa.  You can’t get a good vindaloo in Arkansas.)

F-ck-Up Older Brother – Leon Black (Curb Your Enthusiasm)

A fount of good advice and life lessons

The sibling situation is a tricky one – I’d clearly want to stand out from the pack, but still have some cool people to hang out with during family events.  Also, worldliness would come in handy, in case I was looking for advice in an uneasy situation.  For example, when trying to decide whether it’s “fount” or “font” in the caption above, Leon would have likely suggested that I trace the origins back to the original Latin and then make my own call, as style guides have nothing to say on the matter and public opinion on the matter is split.  (Note: I would also accept Leon Black, rich hedge fund guy as a potential brother (or father, for that matter.))

Responsible Older Brother – Hank Schrader (Breaking Bad)

Got to have a sibling with worse hair (and that I could borrow money from in a pinch)

Despite wanting to stand out, I will still need somebody to help me fight some Mexican drug lords, if the situation arises.  Hank has a strong history of taking out cartel hit men, and is pretty oblivious to other stuff going on around him, so you could probably f-ck with him a lot.  Solid big brother material.

F-ck-Up (Slightly) Younger Brother – Gob Bluth (Arrested Development)

Magicians and segways aren't bad things to have around

I was considering Tim Riggins here – it’s always nice to have an ugly little brother whose ass you can always kick – but then I figured his smoldering would likely get too much familial sympathy.  I need somebody more like Gob, who garnered about as much support as Meg Griffin.  (Interesting that Gob was portrayed as the oldest brother, even though Michael is older IRL – that’s apparently the curse of the widow’s peak.)  Anybody who can perform illusions, sounds exactly like my old colleague Cranky, and is a blend of insecurity and overconfidence can grab a branch of my family tree any day.

Sass-Talking Little Sister –  Sally Draper (Mad Men)

Not as sweet as the picture suggests

I’m the youngest in my brick-and-mortar family, so it would be pretty sweet to finally have a little sister.  But, I don’t want one of those sh-tty little babies that gets all the benefits of being the youngest without having to deal with any of the BS that everybody else went through.  (Accusations that I will forever deny.)  So I’d want a kid like Sally, that’s opinionated enough to always be in a bit of hot water and would never replace me in Tami’s eyes.  (The only downside to Sally, there may be a little too much “there’s something wrong with Esther” potential.  Also, these quotes.)

Fun Older Sister

This is a tough one – I need someone who enjoys having a few drinks, isn’t afraid to embrace life and take a few chances, someone with the perspective to offer me guidance in times of need.  Someone who’s been in jail.

I guess there’s only one choice…

There's a small chance we were separated at birth anyway

Later,

Chilly17

As remuneration for providing no new content, please find attached a picture of a Vizsla puppy.

Happy weekend,

Chilly

Despite all the free iPad hoopla, the ole blog-writing motivation is sitting at dangerously low levels. All the social networking, the typing – the apparently death-accelerating sitting – it’s just getting to be too much.   So I’m back to reviewing my options.  Some recent toenail issues have greatly reduced my chances of foot modeling, and setting up a food cart in NYC is about as novel an idea in 2010 as starting a blog was in 2009.  Sure, I’ve still got consumer advocate chops, but with emergence of all the Trader Joe’s in NYC, fair prices abound, and Gristedes – the Moriarity to any consumer advocate of merit – will likely be bankrupt in six months.  (I did have some interest in being the End-of-Line Identifier at Trader Joe’s – the person who holds up a stick with a sign that says “Line Starts Here” since the lines generally weave throughout the entire store – but, sadly, at the one that just opened in my hood, the stick was just leaning against the wall.  Orderly lines prevailed, not wildly weaving lines, so no need for the stick or the EOTLI himself.)

So I’ve had to consider other potential opportunities.  One area of interest for me has always been crime-solving – particularly the work of the great detectives, like Columbo or Batman.  I’ve always wanted to own an Italian car as well, so combining the two seems natural.  I could drive around the country solving crimes and meeting new people in the relative anonymity of a Ferrari.  I’ve even decided on my catch phrase: “Well what have I gotten myself into now?  It’s gonna be a chilly week in Miami.”  When I say “chilly” I’ll put a little extra emphasis combined with a slight Steve Austin eyebrow raise.  I might also try to work “seventeen” in all the time, as kind of a second partial catch phrase, more like a signature line.

Example repartee:

Crime victim:  ”Chilly, have you ever seen this before?”

Me:  ”Only about seventeen times.”

Cmon, Magnum - you gotta step up your caliper game!

This all might sound a little Magnum, PI-ey to you, but there are some key differences between me and Thomas Magnum:

1. Although we are both Naval Academy graduates, I was a submarine officer; Magnum was a SEAL
2. Magnum had a bushy mustache; mine is pencil-thin
3. Magnum drove a Ferrari 308 GTS; I’m going for a tasteful 360 Spider (yes, I realize that is now 2 generations old, but I somewhat prefer the 360 to the 430 and the new one is unrealistic unless I can convince 100,000 people to buy a new tractor via my Amazon link)
4. Magnum’s car didn’t have yellow brake calipers; mine will
5. Magnum wore a Rolex GMT Master; I wear a Ralex Sunmariner (just as good and much cheaper)
6. Magnum lived a static life in Hawaii; I will live a dynamic life, visiting a new city every week, and hopefully meeting interesting people like Jon Lovitz and Sela Ward
7. Magnum received income from an unseen benefactor; I’m hoping to get cash money from people whose crimes I’ve solved
8. Magnum drinks Coops Beer; I prefer Yellow Tail Cab/Shiraz blend
9. Magnum has never seen even one episode of The Wire; I have seen every episode of The Wire
10. Magnum is fictional; I am real (if pseudonymous)

While I still have some pondering to do, there are a few drawbacks to the plan that I can see in the early stages:

1. SO has expressed little interest in investing $80k in the joint venture that would own the car.  Not sure what the concern is, I’m gonna kick in the rest and then she will surely get most all of that back when the car is sold.  It’s pretty much zero risk.  (I would handle it all myself, but I’m having some cash flow problems.  Actually, to be more accurate, I’m having some cash inflow problems.  Outflows are going strong.)
2. Despite planning on majoring in criminology during my first college stint (GPA: 0.00), I have little experience in solving crimes, other than identifying who ate the last fruit rollup or who is violating the rules of the gym.
3. By most accounts, the Ferrari 360 is pretty uncomfortable during long haul rides, so I will have to carefully plan my itinerary.

I’m gonna go get some books on detectiving,

Chilly17

All this could be yours, you lazy f-ckers

I have come to realize that many of the folks that read this site have little to no need for free items (likely dreading the additional 1099 or the sensation of being in a charitable environment).  If you recall, back in June I suggested that if my Apple $240/$230 put spreads finished fully in the money (which pretty much any ~25% monthly ROI apple put spreads have done for the last 8-10 months – if this makes no sense, don’t worry about it) I would give away an iPad on this site.  And then I got busy, did a little marketing, doubled my traffic and kind of forgot about that promise (understandably, as my trading account was getting f*cked up like the gangsters’ shins in Shallow Grave)….then people started reminding me of the comment….and so I launched the contest last week, to what I considered to be considerable (Navy-issue double redundancy) fanfare.

And pretty much nothing happened.  Sure, T-Diddy is gonna name his kid Chilly Wodzina.  And Sam is more interested in Big Kats than an iPad.  The only person who really stepped up with sincere value-add (since I know T-Diddy is a f-cking lying d-ck) is Ben from Australia.  Check this out: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Wasted-Potentialz/145245725492277.  Yeah, suckas, straight up Facebook.  I guess that means I’ve gotta get on that business.

I’m gonna be honest, we just got our iPad last week, and it is sweet.  Watching The Battle for Kruger National, you feel like you are the baby buffalo, with a croc on your ass and five lions on your head and torso.  Its form factor makes the dudes who designed the Audi R8 jealous.  Plus, you can act like a complete d-ck when you whip it out in the coffee shop.  But you gotta step up your games.  I’m serious, this is gonna be the easiest sh-t ever for Ben from Australia if nobody steps up.  Getting in the game is easy, but you f-ckers are apparently lazy and don’t want a free iPad from someone who is even willing to pay the f-cking postage (even to Oz, Ben).

Some suggestions:

1.  Follow me on Twitter – say “Hey, I’d like a free iPad” and then retweet my iPad contest.  Tell your friends to follow me and say “[Person X] sent me this way.”  Hell, you can even say “you’re a d-ck” and still at least throw your hat into the ring.

2.  Leave a comment here and direct like-minded individuals to do the same – I will tabulate this stuff so you don’t have to.

3.  Facebook – I’ve never used it because of my interest in preserving my anonymity, but I will figure it out.  Go there and friend some sh-t or something.

4.  Stumbleupon – This is for the dorkier folks out there, stumble upon some stuff here (I’ve gotta figure out if I can track that easily, I’m not sure I can – don’t be shy if you do something, you’re trying to win a free extremely small but awesome netsurfing machine)

5.  Email me with good ideas for posts (seriously, I’m hurtin)

6.  Send me one (or several) of these:

I probably only need 6-12 of them

7.  Remind me of how the Braves are kicking the sh-t out of the Mets this year

8.  Project for me how the 49ers are gonna step out of the shadows and win the Super Bowl this year (as teams coming off 8-8 seasons have done two of the last three years – this may be tough to do with a straight face)

9.  Buy me an ice cream sandwich (Skinny Cow has proven a highly delectable yet low cal brand) or some Sour Patch Kids (never had them before last month, could easily eat 18 bags of them at a sitting)

10.  Tell any friends with similar sensibilities to do the same (requires selfless friends who want to do something for you, at little to no expense (other than wasted time) to themselves – may be difficult to find such people).

We can’t make this too easy for Ben.  Americans (I would say Canadians, too, but seriously, we all know Canadians cannot compete on any surface but ice) step up your game.  Let’s make this a war.

(Note: Perhaps I shouldn’t have had four of those little bottles of wine on the way back from Memphis – but they were f-ing tasty.  And, I got a buyback on the last one, so it’s really like I had three.  Sure, we drank all the vodka in the house and finished the bottle of firefly, but we just spent four days in Arkansas.  We were due.)

Something juicy is in the works – who’s the hottest chick on Mad Men?  I’m sensing a surprise winner….

Later,

Chilly17

It may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t consider myself a definitive authority on drinking games.  Drinking games have traditionally been a way to coax the unaggressive (or “meek”) to imbibe more heartily – a problem I’ve never really had.  I have entered the arena a few times, largely to get one lameassed friend or another to drink by directing every “give a drink” their way.  I do play a variety of solitary drinking games – drink whenever you see a lion, leopard or cheetah on Big Cat Diary or drink whenever you hear a screeching idiot on any flavor of Real Housewives.  I play such games keep motivated in the absence of drinking competitors/companions.

A word about the image above: I stole it from the internet and know none of the participants.  But I admire and respect many of the things captured in it: steely concentration and focus from someone who is apparently playing solo quarters; a person sporting a killer goatee and playing with a water gun; another person who appears to be about to vomit (or is doing that dance where you really emphasize your heartbeat).  These people are doing it right – kudos.

One problem with drinking games is that they are pretty beercentric; I generally never drink beer.  The most popular drinking games also emphasize skill while diminishing the role of chance – I tend to enjoy card games where the skill is convincing the people that you are getting drunk that they are not drunk and shouldn’t make you do that shot of Cuervo.  That minor squabble is alleviated by the fact that alcohol will eventually reduce the skill factor and level the playing field (somewhat).  To fully flesh out this topic, I had to huddle with esteemed collegiate drinking buddy Bat Rastard – to avoid any charge of plagiarism, consider the entry here an amalgam of our thoughts on the topic.

The Top Five Legitimate Drinking Games

5.  Russian Roulette - I’m gonna put this over Dizzy Izzie (drink from the tap as you spin around the keg, bonus points for not falling down) because it is more game-like and doesn’t require a keg.  The game is pretty simple: start with a six pack, shake up one beer, mix up beers so you don’t know which one was shaken.  Each player sequentially selects a beer – if your chosen beer explodes you have to shotgun the rest of the beers, if it doesn’t, you just shotgun that one.  This is a very short game.   Bonus points for playing with beer and White Russians.

4.  Baseball –  This is all Bat Rastard, but I’m certain I’d be excellent at it.  My likely greatness would undoubtedly leave a suspected-PED-use cloud over the game, so probably for the best.

Baseball works like this:

• Two teams of at least 3 players
• Line up four pint glasses, with the glass nearest the “batter” being ¼ full of beer, the next at ½ full, etc
• Batter bounces a quarter, trying to get it in one of the glasses, each of which represents a single, double, triple, or homerun.  A missed shot is an out and the next player on the batter’s team is up
• If batter gets a single, double, or triple, opposing team must drink (slam) the cup containing the quarter, and the batter’s team has a man on base (either first, second, or third)
• If batter gets it in the homerun cup, opposing team drinks all four glasses
• All runs must be forced in (i.e., get a triple you have a  man on third, must get 3 singles before that run scores)
• BEST PART:  each team has a designated “steal man” each inning.  If batter’s team has a man on base, batter’s team designates its steal man, who has an entire cup of beer in front of him; other team has a similarly situated steal man.  At any time with a runner on base, the batter’s team steal man can grab his cup and start slamming the beer – the defensive steal man must react and try to slam his beer faster to “throw out” the steal man.  If the batter’s team guy wins, the runner advances
• Keep track of how many runs each team has and play for 9 innings (rookies), or 3 innings (professionals who can handle all the drinking and constantly attempt to steal)
• PROS:  gets you drunk quickly, exciting game, much trash talking, super fun to play
• CONS:  requires tons of beer on hand – MUST have a keg or be at a bar with large pitchers.  Impossible to play with just cans or bottles

3. Swingers Drinking Game – This could be practically any tv show or movie – The Simpsons, Ally McBeal, Glitter - the varieties are endless.  The games usually revolve around drinking whenever something familiar happens, like a dancing baby appearing, or dialog, plot or characters being completely nonsensical (Cool As Ice, Showgirls, Gigli, etc).  Swingers is a perfect game for this – it’s an awesome movie with many iconic scenes, drinking when you hear “baby” or “money” fits perfectly, and you will not make it through the casino scene alive.

2.  Kings –  A drinking card game that I only played a few times, but that I would like to play a few hundred more times.

BR explains:  ”Kings is pretty fun – spread a deck of cards out on the table face-down.  Place an empty pitcher in the middle of the table, each player has a full cup of beer. Take turns drawing 1 card, each card means something else (e.g., for the non-face cards, spades mean person to your left drinks the number of drinks on the card, clubs is person on right.  Hearts means everyone drinks, diamonds mean you pick the person who drinks; each person who draws a king pours their entire beer (or as much as they want of their beer, in the wuss version of the game) into the pitcher, last king drawn ends the game with that person downing the entire pitcher; jacks mean make a rule, queens mean something else – I forget).  There are an infinite number of variations on this game.  I’m not a huge fan of the rule-making, though, as it devolves into rules like “no talking” and “no pointing” and a bunch of unenforceable crap that makes it too hard to play after a while.

I disagree on the rules component, I think rules rule.  ”No proper nouns,” “must touch your nose before you drink” etc. add a dimension of concentration and enforcement.  I am happy to make sure that the rules are observed, it’s a more socially-accepted version of being a tattle-tail and adds to the consumption.

1.  Quarters – The big daddy of them all.  There’s a strong skill element involved (we all know the guys who could roll the sh-t off their nose and such) but it usually worked out for the best.  I like the “make three shots and make a rule” version, but I’m not sure it’s universal.  I have f-cked up like 7 tables attempting to play quarters on them – not every table can sustain a game – and I respect wood.  A no-brainer for #1, though, they even played it on the much-ballyhooed Freaks and Geeks.  Seth Rogen made $87 playing it with non-alcoholic beer.

Beer shuffleboard also has potential

Drinking Games We Invented

5.  Three Wise Men –  Being young and foolish, when I was 20 we would just stack three bottles of tequila, rum and vodka and do a shot of the first bottle, and then chase it with shots of the next two bottles.  Repeat until someone projectile vomits.  That person lost.

4.  The “Try Some of This Warm 100 Proof Vodka Mixed With Warm Crazy Horse, You F*cking P*##y” Game –  It’s played just like it sounds.  First person to gag loses.  In its purest form, the game is played in a Home Depot parking lot.

3.  Shots Till You Die –  Not so much a game as performance art.  Gather with a bunch of wuss friends.  Have a solid drinking buddy fly into town; everyone congregate at a bar.  Order ten shots of Goldschlager.  Watch as wusses bitch and moan about having to do one shot of Goldschlager.  You and non-wuss friend each drink five shots of Goldie in rapid succession to the astonishment of others.  Immediately go have a friendly chat with a bouncer, you’ll need that air of familiarity later.

2.  Reverse Quarters –  A true gentleman’s game.  Playing quarters with BR one time on an RV headed to Florida (shout out to a fine RV – the Georgie Boy Cruise Air III), we were having a civil game of traditional quarters, but were disgusted by the negativity of hoping the other would miss – where was the camaraderie?

Even more of a chick magnet than a Murray Moped

So, we changed the dynamic of the game.  Away went the plain-Jane Boone’s Farm (Strawberry Hill) we were playing with, replaced by Turbo Boone’s (Strawberry Hill plus Popov vodka).  We started to drink only when we made a shot (we were hitting about 93% of our shots).  I woke up at 6:00 AM driving down the main drag in Daytona, with an extremely drunk Korean surfing on top of the Cruise Air.  My toenails were painted black.

1.  Proof Palate – (Name courtesy BR)  This is a pretty fun two-man game that only works in a lazy bar environment.  Tell the bartender to bring you two shots of any alcohol he wants, but not to tell you what the spirit actually is.  You each take a sip of a shot, then guess the proof of what you just tasted.  Whoever is furthest from the number has to drink both drinks.  You will learn a lot about the liqueurs that are hidden on the middle shelves playing this game.

A Very Popular Drinking Game I’ve (Sadly) Never Played

Where's the damn net?

Beer Pong – I love booze (not necessarily beer), I love ping pong and I enjoy the competitive drinking scene.  Unfortunately, I’ve only been in the proper environment a handful of times.  Probably my best chance was last year in Cozumel, when I was drinking and playing pong with Bat Rastard himself.  However, it was windy as sh-t (explaining why I got my ass kicked, it was certainly not skill level) and there was no chance of glasses not blowing off the table.

Last month, there were like 30 kids playing beer pong at SO’s brother’s graduation party.  I was all set to give it a shot when two of her brother’s friends came in and said “you must be happy to have another kid out of the house.”  That was slightly deflating, so I took off my argyle sweater and went to sleep at 9:15 PM instead.

Bat’s take:  I like beer pong, but only REAL beer pong, where players use actual ping pong paddles and a ball.  One cup of beer placed at each end of the table and players play ping pong, trying to get the ball to land in the cup at the opposite end.  The game people call beer pong (or “Beirut”) now just involves throwing a ping pong ball at a group of 6 or so cups of beer and trying to land it in them.  It’s retarded.

A Drinking Game That Sucks Because It’s Way Too Complicated – The Goal Is To Drink Not To Remember 10,000 Rules

Asshole – I still don’t know how to play it, there are cards and Presidents and Vice Presidents and sh-t.  Let’s just play Kings and not memorize a f-cking org chart.  (Not to be confused with Cornhole, a pretty fun beanbag tossing game that is quite ripe for a specific drinking variant.)

For The Elite: The Method

They look like potential Methodists

Method -  Method is not so much a drinking game as a way of life.  Do you hate that early part of the evening when you’re at a bar, everybody’s kind of sober, and you have to make boring small talk?  ”How’s work?”  ”Work’s good, man, thanks for asking.”  If you dislike that sh-t, then maybe you are a Method man.  (Like Batman, Method goes by either “Method” or “The Method.”  Generally scares the sh-t out of people like Batman, too.  Or, the Batman.)

The exact beginnings of method are shrouded in mystery, but legend has it that it started with a man named Milo Minderbender in a seedy bar in Key West.  Milo, supposedly disgusted with the amount of alcohol in the all-you-can-drink-for-$30 gin and tonics, ordered three of them, removed the ice, and drank the remainder as a voluminous shot.

I further refined and marketed Method, and am frequently credited with its creation.  Such attribution is clearly an honor, but is a bit misleading.  Did I switch the actual alcohol consumed from a bevy of weak G&Ts to the Long Island Iced Tea (the real deal, not from a mix)?  Yes, I did.  But the theatrical throwing of ice on the floor was there when I started nurturing the concept.  Is “Method” an awesome name for a drinking style, as well as a great way to kick off a night?  Yes, it is, and I named it.  But it’s not all about glory, it’s about potentially life-threating binge drinking.

Even more advanced methods evolved, fittingly called “Advanced Method”.  There were two different approaches to Advanced Method – one favored doing two consecutive Methods; the other, a shot of tequila or goldschlager followed by Method followed by another shot.  (The latter is also known as “Shot-Method-Shot” and is not recommended.)

SAFETY DISCLAIMER:  I DO NOT RECOMMEND PLAYING ANY OF THESE GAMES.  I WAS CLOSE TO BEING A TRAINED DRINKING PROFESSIONAL AND EVEN I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE  SURVIVED SOME OF THE AFOREMENTIONED CONTESTS AND THE METHOD LIFESTYLE.  NOW I LEAD A REWARDING-YET-CONSERVATIVE LIFE AS A FREE INTERNET WRITER WHO SOMETIMES GIVES AWAY SUPER EXPENSIVE SH-T FOR NO APPARENT REASON AND I HAVE A NEWFOUND AFFINITY FOR THE CAPS LOCK KEY.

(Seriously, nobody wants to win a f-cking $800 iPad?  I might declare have to cancel this contest and just rejoice in the Appley goodness of the first Jobsian product I’ve ever purchased.  Got the 32 gig 3G.)

2200 words?  No wonder this took forever.  Thanks, Bat (The Bat?), for all the help,

Later,

Chilly17

Okay, suckas, I guess not everybody forgot about the whole iPad giveaway.  I thought that whole concept might fade into the ether and that I’d just get my own damn iPad (my morally-challenged SO suggested just saying I gave it away, and instead giving it to her).  Frankly, when my trading account took a 20% nosedive in the middle of July, I was pondering whether iPads were edible/nutricious.  Don’t call it a comeback; I’ve been here for years – so I’m gonna give away the iPad as promised.

My concern wasn’t really about the giveaway itself, it was more about the construct of the competition.  I couldn’t really think of an objective way to evaluate the efforts of those striving to win.  Secondarily, the bang-for-the-buck quotient for the giveaway was going to be pretty low: there are only a couple thousand unique visitors to this site every month, and half of those people make so much cash they probably already have 5-6 iPads laying around serving as coasters.  Figuring out how to structure this thing was a quandary, to be sure.

Then it struck me that my quandary had elements of a classic business school case study: hazy means to an unclear end, uncertain economic benefits, the optimism of a rose-colored proprietor.  Rarely in business school do you work in anything other than teams; it became clear to me that, as then, I needed to surround myself with folks that are smarter and less lazy than myself to figure this thing out.  Also, I was reminded that I probably should have taken some marketing classes at B-School – marketing, when you have nothing to sell, is a tough business.

The simplicity of the concept evolved out of that thought: whoever adds the most value to the website will win the iPad.  Value is certainly a subjective conceit; like many of the “B’s” I earned on quality English papers, there’s probably going to be some unfairness in the interpretation.  That’s why friends of the site Bat Rastard and Flint have agreed to join me on the panel of judges.  One was accepted at Princeton undergrad, the other has a JD/MBA from a school that’s Top Five in both – they are legit brainiacs, (mostly) honorable, and neither can hang with the Chillster when it comes to the booze.  I will compile all relevant quantitative data and we will vote for the winner, each man/woman gets one vote.  If there is a tie (ie we all back a different horse), then SO will cast the deciding vote from amongst the final three choices (no, she isn’t allowed to lie and just keep it herself).

Some suggestions: there are measurable ways to add value, say if you have direct some friends here, have them drop a comment that “UNCMike sent me” – same thing with Twitter adds.  Using the Share This button would also be a plus – particularly Stumbles.  Getting a link to one of my articles posted in a bigger, better site would score some major points.  (Spamming, however, will get one booted from the contest – this is a gentleman’s sport.  So don’t bomb links all over the place.)  Anything else you can think of that you think is a boost to the site, let me know so I can ascribe proper credit.

People that I know in the brick and mortar world are not barred from the contest, but will play with a substantial handicap in the form of “why the f-ck didn’t you hook a brother up before, since you know me in real life and all?”  Gates open now and close at the end of August (yeah, that’s a long f-cking time, but this is a $600+ machine, ya’ll).  Also, drop a comment if you feel strongly about 3G vs non-3G: I’m leaning more toward non-3G and tethering to my T-Mobile phone or SO’s Verizon phone, thus no need to add AT&T, ever.  I’m probably going to buy an iPad this week – if I don’t like it that one might become the giveaway version, but most likely I’ll be getting one for me and one for you.  It’s kind of declasse to give away used gear.

Am working on the drinking game post wisely suggested by Major, so will be back tomorrow.

Later and good luck,

Chilly17

By now, you or someone you know – perhaps everyone you know – has read Stieg Larsson’s thriller The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  Hell, even I’ve read it, and it’s not even really my cup of tea (although it might be yours, depending on where you fall on the enjoys-anal-rape-stories spectrum).  It’s like a more violent, more naked episode of CSI.  Anyway, the book is an international sensation about an ill-matched crimefighting duo: a ladyloving investigative journalist and a pierced, goth hacker chick who suffers no fools and gets in lots of fights.

Of course, Hollywood wants in on this international sensation action; David Fincher is set to direct the movie version.  What’s that, you say?  There’s already a movie version?  Done by Scandinavians?  Why are they remaking it then?  Let’s take a look at some possible motives.

1.  The Scandinavian film is terrible –  Let’s check the rottentomatoes: 88% fresh.  Well, maybe it’s only a handful of reviews.  Nope, 192 reviews.  Well, maybe that’s just the garbage critics, what do the top critics think?  89% fresh.  Critics are stupid, though – is the movie good?  Yeah, I just watched it: perfectly cast, well-paced (the book is like 850 pages long), loyal to the source material without sacrificing cinematic form – it’s really good.  But maybe Hollywood deserves some kudos for seeking out that other 12% freshness that the first film could not earn.

2.  The lead actors are not marquee names –  This is definitely true, the titular heroine is portrayed by Noomi Rapace, who was a relative unknown in Sweden when cast as Lisbeth Salander (goth hacker fighter).  (I’m not going to focus on the male lead; Michael Nyqvist is phenomenal as Mikael Blomkvist but there are some boldfaced names I can see doing good work in the role.  Somebody like Viggo Mortensen or maybe even Daniel Craig – not Brad Pitt.  Bad skin is a must, though.)  Given the substantial evidence against it, I cannot fathom how Hollywood continues to try to shoehorn well-established “movie stars” into iconic roles that beg to have “nobodies” step in and embody the character (think Christopher Reeve as Superman).

Let’s have a look at Larsson’s initial  physical description of the character:

“[Lisbeth] was a pale, anorexic young woman who had hair as short as a fuse, and a pierced nose and eyebrows…she had simply been born thin, with slender bones that made her look girlish and fine-limbed with small hands, narrow wrists, and childlike breasts.”

Now, given that, take a look at Hollywood’s most frequently-mentioned choice to fill the role:

Maybe he meant "child-rearing"

Plus, there is mondo nudity in this film – I cannot imagine Scarlet or Kristen Stewart or Natalie Portman are gonna want to run around butt naked for twenty minutes of screen time.   I actually don’t hate Scarlet as an actress (I saw Ghost World in the theater, so I have some credibility here); she could pull off Lisbeth’s emotionally unavailable routine since that’s how she always comes across anyway.  But please, casting people, either convince Noomi to do it one more time (she’s said previously the role was too taxing/draining to consider resuming the role in the remake) or find some unknown punk chick brawling at a hipster bar in BFE.

3.  The remake will take place in Los Angeles, or somewhere more palatable to ‘Mericans – Nope, Fincher says the remake is going to be set in Sweden, too.  It makes sense to cast American actors, then, so that we can all be enchanted by their attempts at Swedish accents.  That’s just smart filmmaking.

4.  Americans are too stupid to read subtitles –  This is probably correct, although I personally love subtitles since my hearing sucks so bad.  We have to turn on the closed captions often anyway – like on Breaking Bad where they whisper or mumble too much or The Wire where you can’t understand half the lingo the first time through.

5.  The current version is too arty (ie won’t make the moniez) –  There’s tons of murdering, raping and nudity, but somehow the European setting and tasteful cinematography give this flick an indie or (even worse) arty vibe.  (Luckily, EuroTrip managed to avoid that label.)  Any remake set in Sweden is going to have the same “issues” – but who gives a sh-t?  Pretty much everyone will have read the damn book anyway, the “artiness” is part of the book’s appeal: you don’t feel so dirty reading an R-rated CSI on Red Bull, since it’s literature.

Personally, I think they should just re-release the European version and save everyone all the hassle.  Give it a big release, you’ll have girls going dressed up as Lisbeth and everything.  Then Noomi Rapace can become a big star here in the US and land the role of Wonder Woman or something.

Later,

Chilly17