I thought about giving up Yes, I thought about just throwing in the towel. I searched for the biggest farthest rock to hide behind. I wondered if I could ease my pain by just not waking up. I wanted it all to go away.  I’ve risked it all and pretty much lost it all. And there are few things worse than seeing the things you created by your own hand be devalued and not end up how you expected. And there is no one to blame, but you. No manager, no supervisor…no one…nothing…all finger pointing goes back to me. I am solely responsible for everything and the failure is mine and mine alone.

I could rant about everything that is going wrong. Car broke down, being without a vehicle for over a month. Bills past due, bank accounts drained, business not going according to plan.  I could go on and on. It almost seems that there is an invisible force keeping me down, because nothing makes sense.  But I am so tired and so beat down that I don’t even have the strength.

I Died

Without being overly dramatic, that is what it feels like…feels like I’ve been broken into a million pieces. Feels like I am shattered. Feels like the death of who I am and many things I believed in. But I believe, that everything happens for a reason, in divine order. I’ve cried, I’ve yelled I’ve grieved in every way possible.  I said to God, “what are you trying to teach me, show me? Because this hurts and I am not sure I can stand it”. Because I can’t go through something of this magnitude without their being a lesson behind it.

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

And this is what was dropped in my spirit. Broken, at the end of me, at the end of who I am, at the end of all that I could do. God told me not to be afraid and to be at peace with where I am right now. And while I get it, its a hard thing to do to be in the midst of a storm and find peace and not to fear when everything around you is pure hell. The story of Job popped into my head.  Is God telling me to trust him in both the best and the worst of situations?

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

Another verse that came to me.  It is apparent to me that whatever it is I am going through I must endure I have no idea how long, but its appointed for this time and all I can think of is Footprints. And trust that even though everything looks like its never going to be OK that God is carrying me through this time. That He is covering me and that the broken pieces, the despair, the hurt will be used for my good in the end.

God Gives Us More Than We Can Bear

Contrary to what you may have heard, God does give us more than we can bear. Why? Because sometimes you have to go through and through and come to the complete end of yourself and fall flat on your face, and when you look up and you seek Him God is there. Some of us, like me apparently, need to be reminded (even if harshly) that God is there and through him my blessings flow and what He gives me and does for me no one can take away unless he allows it. No matter, what God is able. And I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…not I can do all things by myself.

My Soul Cries Out

Rejoice…count it all joy! And its so crazy because in the physical I have little to rejoice about but my soul praises God in the midst of all this chaos.  I prayed and cried out to God from my inside. Not from my head or my ego but my soul cried out. That is something entirely different, and if you’ve ever been there you’d know it.

I Almost Forgot…

I almost forgot who God is, and everything he’d done in my life and how many times God had made a way out of no way for me, when no one else seemed to care enough to help. I’d almost forgot how I’d said Yes, to God. I’d almost forgot about things that were important to me…by big rocks. I’d almost forgot to keep God and family first. I’d almost forgot to take care of ME!  Could it be, that sometimes we need to be broken down and face things that shake us to our core to realize what really matters and to be positioned for success?  Do we need to come to the end of of ourselves to be set on a better path?

If He Brought Me To It, He Will Bring Me Through It

God has never left me and he is and will always be there for me. God didn’t change, I did. He loved me enough to correct me and I know all that I lost will be regained and at the end I will be OK.

It still hurts, I am still in the midst of my storm and I don’t know when it will be over. I want to turn back, but I’m so far out on faith, that turning around is just as treacherous a hike as going forward.  I don’t know what the end will be, but I know God will be there.

As I write this I am still hurt, baffled and just all around tired. I don’t know which way forward at all. But I will just keep believing in a power greater than man and hope and pray that when I look back over this time, I only see one set of footprints in the sand.

I also am in the process of clearing out my cyber space content.  Deleting blogs I haven’t used in years and those that no longer serve me going forward.  You may say why worry about things in cyber space? Especially stuff that you don’t use.  Just don’t log on and forget about it.  Well, I find that easier said than done.  “Hanging chads” clutter my brain, and in freeing up physical capacity, I free up excess capacity as well.

I find that most people have more stuff than they need, and while most people are a far cry from people on the show Hoarders; we tend to have the same tendencies to accumulate stuff event when not needed.

If your home and mind is full of clutter I challenge you to clean house.  Start with one room or even a closet and work your way until you’ve decluttered your home and mind.

Here are some great sites to unload of your stuff

1. Ebay.com. Great way to sell items that you don’t want.  Now though Jan 15th, pay no listing fees.  Which means that if an item doesn’t sell, you haven’t lost a dime.

2. Freecycle.org  This is a great way to unload of stuff rather quickly.  While you don’t get paid for your wares, you can be rid of many items very fast.  Check it out!

3. Sell books.  If you have piles of books you may want to consider unloading them at amazon.com, powellsbooks.com or cash4books or any site that will buy back your books.  The great thing is they pay postage, so all you need is a box.  They will let you know if they will buy back your book and how much they will give you before you send the books in.

If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”
~ Nora Roberts

The quality of your life is brought about by the quality of your thinking.

After a series of events today, I realized how much I want a simple life.  And when I say simple, I don’t mean moving to a farm and canning.  I mean a life free of chaos, discord and discontent.  Without any hard evidence to back this up, I would say the vast majority of adults are miserable.  Miserable because of their environment or most likely, miserable because of the quality of their thoughts and actions.

People are always running here, there, doing this or that.  Not for any particular purpose but because we have been taught that activity = productivity = success and happiness.  It has been reinforced in my mind today that there is nothing wrong with being still.  Being still doesn’t mean that you’re unmotivated or lazy.

I hurt for people who are so miserable and filled with rage that it manifests itself in all that they do.  Discord and chaos follows them wherever they go and shows up in whatever they do.  It’s very sad to witness, I was reminded of that just today.

What is wonderful is to have an awakening while you can actually do something about it…some people never see the truth in life.

It’s never too late or too early to live a life of purpose and joy…never!

I got myself caught up in the corporate rat race again and my heart and soul is screaming for release.  My brain is caught in a paradigm that isn’t easy to shake.  So somewhere, somehow I have to find the courage and conviction to began the good thing that I have already started.  I know what I need to do yet, fear…yes, I said it fear has overtaken my actions.  And “2 weeks” becomes two months and tomorrow becomes later…

It’s hard for me to write this because me of all folks should know better.  But here I remain trapped in a box of my own making…seeing the way out but much to afraid to escape.

So through prayer and mediation I seek guidance.  When I come to the end of myself I am reminded of a all knowing all powerful God who is always there and always speaking… it’s time I shut out the noise and clutter in my own mind and listen.

It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. -Henry David Thoreau

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

-Alice in Wonderland

It must be pure insanity to head in a direction when you have no idea where you are going.  Who would seek directions to no place in particular?  Well, more people do it thank you think.  There are people scrambling up the corporate ladder, angling for promotions that don’t fill their passions or purpose.  People who each day get up and repeat the same routine with no profound reason.  These people are wandering aimlessly towards no particular end, following the paths that others have told them they should be on.

Keep in mind, I am all for exploring, appreciative inquiry if you will.  Sometimes it’s fun to go in a particular direction just to send where you may end up.  I also appreciate the willingness to be open-minded and to not reject each opportunity or journey simply because it isn’t part of my plan. The point of this post is for you to begin with the end in mind. If you have a goal, define it.  If you have a vision, make a plan and small milestone to ensure that vision will come to pass.  Wandering aimlessly will get you somewhere, but without a clear focus and intention, the wind will blow you like a tumbling weed.  Focus your intentions, have purpose and embark upon your purpose filled journey.

I’ve been MIA lately.  And really, there is no real ground breaking reason it’s just because I have been focused on other projects and tasked.  I’ve been living a lot and seeking to understand.  I’ve spent a lot of time and energy focused on character, because in the end, all I have is my character and integrity.   It’s funny how people spend their whole lives finding out whats wrong with other people, and not becoming the best person they can be.  I don’t want to be one of those people…

On Me…

I know I truly love-inspiring people, motivating other to achieve their own success.  I am as much a dreamer and I am a logical person which sometimes puts me at odds with myself.  I am fact-based and philosophical, I am a thinker and I am creative.  It’s so interesting how one can be opposite within oneself.  Sometimes, I take a creative approach to a situation other times, I am more pragmatic.  It all depends.  I am an idea generating.  I have million dollar ideas in my mind, that I would go insane trying to execute myself.  I realize that the ideas I have are for others, someone somewhere can take an idea I have and run like heck with it.  I want to share my ideas.  I realize that my enthusiasm and desire to see everyone achieve success is contagious.  I want to infect everyone I come into contact with! I want them to know that they have the power to change their lives if they desire to, nothing is impossible and the sky is the limit.  I don’t care if you are 25 or 52 or 82!  As long as you are alive, anything is possible! 

On Vision…

I have always believed, now I am 150% convinced that in order to accomplish any great goal vision is critical.  Vision picks up where sight leaves off.  Sometimes when facing an obstacle or trying to accomplish a huge goal, our sight fixates on what can’t be done.  We see how big the obstacle or how large the goal.  But vision see’s beyond our sight.  Vision is our mind’s eye, it gives us the ability to see the unseen.  Just because we can’t see something, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. 

It becomes incumbent upon each of us to create the life that we want.  No matter where we are, no matter who did what to us or what didn’t go right.  All of the things of the past should not be excuses for why you can’t go forward. Victims don’t succeed, winners do.  In order to get from here to there, activate your vision.  Vision doesn’t see what happened, it does not look back vision shows you what can be.   Vision allows you to see the top of the mountain from the deepest valley.  My vision is activated! Is yours?

On helping…

I have been given the gift of vision, the gift of having a way to help others see the best in themselves and their circumstances.  I see nothing but opportunity.  I have over the years inspired others to start businesses or move on to a new aspect of their life and to  be what they’ve always wanted to become.  It’s so funny how you never realize your talents, when it’s right in front of you.  I have so much that I want to pour out, so many people who I want to help achieve the dream.  I can’t help it, it’s who I am, what I was meant to do.  I am creating an audio series called “Vision activated”.  My goal is to help others who are just sick and tired of being sick tired.  To help those who may not know where they want to be, but know it’s not where they are now.  To get this course, leave a comment.  Tell me the challenges that you are facing, what’s holding your from achieving your dreams.  This course will not be free, but will be offered at a value-discount to those who comment below.

Achieve Your Dreams!

Everyone thinks that the principal thing to the tree is the fruit, but in point of fact the principal thing to it is the seed  – Nietzsche