Image by Richard Kadrey/Kaos Beauty Klinik.

This is a Tiny Nibbles PSA: I felt it was my duty to tell you about Kink’s free livestreamed show tomorrow (December 10) from their Upper Floor. At the Armory, there will be an elaborate scene enacted live in the decadent quarters constructed on the top floor and broadcast on The Upper Floor’s site — the stream will be of medium quality, though if you want high quality you can buy it. The point for them is to demonstrate the outrageous “Story of O” style living quarters/submissive training theme, give viewers a video tour of the amazing accommodations and officially launch the website, so they’re giving away a free taste. They write,

To celebrate the site’s highly anticipated launch, TheUpperFloor.com is hosting a free live show this Thursday, December 10th from 12pm to 3pm PST. All viewers are invited to join in the inaugural champagne toast, tour the luxurious accommodations and hear an update on future plans for renovations and additions, and most importantly, participate in the examination and appraisal of House slaves Cherry Torn and Sarah Shevon, alongside co-workers and friends of TheUpperFloor.com co-directors, Peter Acworth and James Mogul.

The Upper Floor brings to fruition one of Kink.com founder and CEO Peter Acworth’s chief reasons for acquiring the 200,000 square foot Armory: “When I first saw that the Armory was for sale, it reminded me of the fantasy castles described in books such as Story of O or Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Series. I envisaged a hidden community where the laws of society are replaced by those of Dominance and submission.”

Image taken with my Android (Moment) with FX Camera and FlickrDroid.

A special edition: live from Paris! In this quickie, I read “The View From Paris” from Alison Tyler’s collection, “Exposed” — this afternoon, from the garden next to the Louvre. The image in this post is my view; the Eiffel Tower behind a statue of The Three Graces, in the garden. On a park bench, with an occasional audience, I read the explicit story of a newly-wed couple’s torrid, semi-public sex encounter — on their honeymoon in Paris.

* View the podcast post and download the audio file (violetblue.libsyn.com).
* Listen right now in my website’s pop-up audio player (by Apture).
* Don’t miss Alison Tyler’s hot new multi-author anthology about couples who play with their edgiest fantasies, Play With Fire: Taboo Erotica (amazon.com).

Image “Fire (Show Me Light)” by Rai Robledo (rairobledo.com).

I know — I’m opening up nominations two days later than usual (disclaimer: I’m in Paris right now to speak about the future of sex on a global stage; it’s all okay). But like 2005, ‘06, ‘07 (’08), and ‘09, I’ll be posting the Top Ten Sexy Geeks of 2010 on December 20, 2010. So now — the always-surprising, sexy geek blush inducing, Laughing Squid server-smokin’ list is back for its *sixth* year in a row. Six years of sexy geeks = life is good, indeed.

Seen a hottie execute some heart-pounding tech-fu? Have you been admiring a builder, scaler, or web/phone app writin’ babe you feel is unsung for their mad code skillz and nerdy sex appeal? Heard of a sexpot who speaks all the romance languages (you know the ones), built their site from the ground up, or is lurking like an evil mastermind behind a badass startup or tech blog? I do personally handpick the list, but I base it on *your* nominations every year. Now’s the time to let me know: violet at tinynibbles dot com — also, you can Tweet your nominations @ me, or leave suggestions in the comments (I approve anons, yo). I do all the research, but any links you send along help.

Criteria:

Not nerdalicious enuf:

* Celebrities, especially Hollywood ones and pointless vlogstars or empty Twitterati.
* Chicks who pose in bikinis with video game themed accessories (sorry Girls of Nerdcore — though I do love my geek-flavored cheesecake).
* Models and actors who talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.
* Anyone I have had sex with. Sorry! (Okay, I was only sorry once. But it was *after* I made the list, okay?!)
* Babes, studs or porn peeps with “geek” and “nerd” plastered all over their paysites, with nothing to back it up (sorry hot Justine Jolie).
* People who are cute, but no one seems to know why they have geek cred.

Also disqualified: anyone who’s already been on this list in a previous year.

Lube up your browser and nominate anyone who is:

* Smart, nerdy and HOT.
* Has done something really amazing this year in tech, and you just totally realized is also irresistibly sexy.
* Someone known for being hot, but has hardcore geek cred that no one seems to notice.
* The total Unsung Hottie in your dev group.
* Tech bloggers or vloggers you just want to point at and go, OMG hw4t!
* You’ll notice I’ve had a cyberlawyer or a hardware hacker on the list every year; think outside the blog- and vlogosphere to uncover the fierce and delicious people who support, fuel and participate in Internet culture.
* I keep the list gender balanced, but all genders and LGBT noms are *especially* encouraged. I also strive for racial diversity, partly because I’m sick of going to all these tech parties that are full of rich white people.

And, as always — single or not, it’s all in fun. One year I had a hot couple on the list!

Image by helenaa75.

My most recent San Francisco Chronicle column was really popular, and even got me invited to more than one medical convention. In the The Sex Doctor is Out, I cover the topic of finding a sex-positive doctor (at the very least one you can talk to about sex comfortably), and how to talk to a doctor about sex. For the piece I brought in two experts — two doctors, actually: Dr. Charlie Glickman, Ph. D. and Dr. Keely Kolmes, Psy. D. (drkkolmes.com). The article is an incredibly useful resource, and I’m extremely happy to see this information and advice now out in the world. Here’s a snip:

Whenever I have a bout of pesky, recurring Female Arousal Persistent Syndrome (FAPS), I immediately call my doctor. Within ten minutes, Dr. Doug Ross is making a house call from the year 1999, directly to present-day Castro, wearing my favorite scrubs. Of course he never makes it past The Lookout. At least that’s why I like to think he never shows up.

Most doctors are not sexy, and this is a sad, sad thing. What’s worse is that we have fantasies that not only should doctors be sexy, but that doctors are generally knowledgeable about sex. After the war stories I keep hearing about people asking their docs for sex advice, I’m starting to think that doctors are typically probably pretty bad in bed too. Never mind the bedside manner.

It started with an email from a woman whose doctor told her to use Crisco for lube with condoms, claiming that Crisco would not break latex because it is “natural.” (FALSE: Crisco contains oils that break condoms easily.) Then I got a panicked call over the weekend from a female friend in the East Bay who was just diagnosed with HPV. A lesbian, she asked her doctor how to keep from passing the virus to her sex partners. The doctor replied, “You’ll be fine. Men can’t get it.” (FALSE: If men didn’t get HPV, how would it be transmitted? And what an –hole. Dr. Jerkface needs a slap.)

It appears that the fantasy of the sexy doctor and the fantasy of the doctor that is trained like a SFSI graduate are both… well, fantasies.

All too often in sex education, we refer people to medical docs when it goes beyond our scope: referring people out is almost a point of pride in that you’ve recognized not only your limits, but that you got your client to medical help when they needed it. The problem is, I realized, we never tell people how to do just that: go talk to a doctor about their sex problems. (…read more, sfgate.com)

* After it was published: The only resource missing from this piece, which is heterosexual and non-kink focused, while including LGBT info, is a link to Kink Aware Professionals (ncsfreedom.org).

Image by artsy_j.

Leave it to Craigslist Casual Encounters to make those Starbucks holiday beverages into something dirty. From San Fransisco, a dispatch:

Starbucks bj after Peppermint Lattes, you said my tongue was minty – w4m – 18 (laurel hts / presidio)

I lost my contacts and was walking into walls, you were kind enough to lead me to the register for lattes.

I needed to buy milk for my newborn so you sprung for the coffee. I met you in the back alley and paid you back with fluid exchange. You thought the hickeys on my breasts were from other guys, but I still breast feed my newborn and he’s blind.

Been thinking of you since, hope you see this and get in touch! (link, sfbay.craigslist.org, thanks J!)

The cool peeps at Zendesk have been at it again with more love from and for the help desk; I was told there was a lot of talk about this one before adding it… We sexy geek fans are glad they did! Help Desk Love Gone WAY Too Far is cute! and who is that hot boy they keep using in the videos? Sexy geek list fodder? Check out Love Your Help Desk for more.

Now that is customer service.

December 8 is the official ‘love your help desk agent’ day — who knew? No one! It’s new! Thanks to Zendesk we now have Love Your Help Desk Day, to encourage a moment of appreciation for help desk customer support reps. To this end they’ve made (among other things like cool stickers) a series of help desk agent appreciation videos. Lucky for us — they made a naughty one, and it seems to be pulled directly from the steamier pages of our sexy-geek obsessed brains. I’m thinking of it more as a potential script. It’s one in a series of three videos that are part of their campaign aimed at supporting help desk agents: the campaign itself isn’t sex specific, except for this one funny video they created. Thanks Zendesk! You rock in oh so many ways. Thank you for taking care of me, and Laughing Squid!

I recently discovered what has to be the best multi-contributor sex blog (for visual erotic art) on the internet right now: FLNGS (latenightfeelings.com). It includes the ongoing contributions of legendary talents Nathan Appel, Bob Coulter, Chase Lisbon, Merkley???, George Pitts, Tony Stamolis and now, Katie West.

Right now one of the hottest girls on the internet is guest blogging sexy photos combined with her trademark mesmerizing writing. Katie West has a huge cult following, and if you don’t know who she is, this is a great way to take a nibble of her astounding self-portraits (and photos of other women). A few samples from her posts are here, but you must catch up with what’s going on with FLNGS (link: on Twitter). It’s a remarkable body of work and emotion, a joy to watch unfold. And it’s quite arousing.

Image by artsy_j.

The other risk with porn is that you may end up in anger management classes while waiting for your skintube video to buffer. Other than that, when you find hot porn, no one gets hurt unless they’ve carefully negotiated the scene beforehand and then asked the lady with the whip very nicely. Still, the alleged dangers of porn are not only overhyped but made of myths largely made up by people with no supporting data (and stereotypically, propaganda-fueled agendas that do not seek facts). No, really. Just ask people who make statements about porn causing pathological and/or harmful behavior where they got the hard data for their ‘facts’. It’s fun. I do it all the time.

New research suggests porn is overly demonized

(…) But new research out of the University of Montreal suggests that pornography is so widely digested, and with such a seemingly low correlation to “pathological” behavior, that it is grossly over-demonized. The research is funded by the Interdisciplinary Research Center on Family Violence and Violence Against Women.

Simon Louis Lajeunesse, a postdoctoral student and professor at the School of Social Work, set out to examine the effects of pornography on men, which would involve studying men in their 20s who’ve never consumed pornography. “We couldn’t find any,” he says.

Still at an early stage of the study, Lajeunesse has so far recruited 20 heterosexual male university students who, as consumers of pornography, are representative of, well, heterosexual male university students. The objective of the study, he says, “is to observe the impact of pornography on the sexuality of men, and how it shapes their perception of men and women.”

Subjects shared their sexual history, beginning with their first experience with pornography, which for most boys happens by the age of 10. The research so far shows that 90 percent of pornography is consumed online and 10 percent through video stores. On average, men who are single watch porn about three times a week for about 40 minutes, while men who are in relationships watch about 1.7 times a week for about 20 minutes.

All test subjects report that they support gender equality, and that they feel victimized by rhetoric that demonizes pornography.

“Pornography hasn’t changed their perception of women or their relationship which they all want as harmonious and fulfilling as possible,” Lajeunesse says. “Those who could not live out their fantasy in real life with their partner simply set aside the fantasy. The fantasy is broken in the real world and men don’t want their partner to look like a porn star.” (Naomi Wolf has famously argued the opposite.)

Even though he has only interviewed 20 men so far, Lajeunesse says his work is already refuting pornography’s role in changing sexual behavior. “If pornography had the impact that many claim it has, you would just have to show heterosexual films to a homosexual to change his sexual orientation.” (…read more, news.cnet.com)

Update 12.02.09: Wow, the cNet writer left out the best part of that last quote. How unfortunate. Lajeunesse actually said, “Aggressors don’t need pornography to be violent and addicts can be addicted to drugs, alcohol, gaming and asocial cases are pathological. If pornography had the impact that many claim it has, you would just have to show heterosexual films to a homosexual to change his sexual orientation.” Here is great writeup on PsychCentral today with better quotes (more complete) and additional fun information on the study: Pornography’s Effect on Men Under Study:

(…) The research concluded that 90 percent of pornography is consumed on the Internet, while 10 percent comes from video stores. On average, single men watch pornography three times a week for 40 minutes. Those who are in committed relationships watch it on average 1.7 times a week for 20 minutes.

Lajeunesse found most boys seek out pornographic material by the age of 10, when they are most sexually curious. However, they quickly discard what they don’t like and find offensive. As adults, they will continue to look for content in tune with their image of sexuality. They also rarely consume pornography as a couple and always choose what they watch. (…read more, psychcentral.com, via Viviane)

The above image is part of a must-see larger piece by Eric Elenbaas (ericelenbaas.nl, via). It’s a lovely distraction for a girl who should be rehearsing her next appearance… And while on the subject of eros and kittehs, this pic brought a smile to my face tonight (ponyxpress.tumblr.com).

Here I am, talking to Oprah about porn. Yay! She’s really fun to talk to. I just found the above segment with my appearance on the show via Twitter.

A little over a week ago I was delighted to be a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show to talk about female porn consumers, and much much more. To say that I had a great time would be a massive understatement: as I wrote on my Facebook page, I’ve never been treated with such respect, and shared excitement for the subject matter. Oprah has a dream team of very passionate people who love their jobs and love who they work for — that’s obvious. They’re also funny and have a great sense of humor about everything. Recently I’ve had to deal with a lesser entity that is sex-negative; it’s amazing to contrast my experience working for and with Oprah. To say they treated me well would be an understatement. I was treasured and the subject of women and sex was explored in such an honest, unflinching way. Look closely at this show and you’ll notice that Oprah has reframed the entire conversation: we women are not ‘tolerated’ or marginalized for exploring our inhibitions, voicing our desires, or owning our sexual agency — we are embraced. The 1 in 3 consumers of adult material online — women — were finally acknowledged, and with respect for a change. And interest! We’re all checking this stuff out together, and talking to each other about it — as we have for years, starting with my old forum The Smart Girl’s Porn Club (circa 2003).

Myths and stereotypes: smashed! We live in a world where women are more sexually powerful and articulate than any other time in history because of the internet and emergent communicative technologies. Oprah’s hip to it. You’re soaking in it. And that’s really, outrageously exciting for all of us.

Like I said in last week’s column; I wonder how much sexual research has been flawed because researchers forgot the crucial ingredient of female sexual pleasure (and female sexual freedom)?

There was a *lot* of media about the episode, but my faves are here:

* What kind of woman watches porn? Three pages of my writing and research on Oprah.com.
* Oprah – Violet Blue on Porn vs. Erotica (oprah.com)
* Movieline calls me “Oprah’s mouthpiece” (and I loved it, movieline.com)

Images by my dear longtime friend Scott Beale / Laughing Squid (laughingsquid.com), who also shot the bio photo of me for Oprah Magazine back in 2007:

Image by Noah Kalina.

The iPhone’s app store has long had a reputation for prudery. So it doesn’t surprise me to see the Android pulling ahead with an open model that shows it has the market awareness to truly survive in the wild, allowing room for things like the just-announced, adults-only app store for the Android. I’d already poked around the store and found some cool grownup apps for my Moment, and I’m excited to see where this is headed. iPhone’s app store has so far failed the ‘make your business model sex positive’ test, which would make it able to withstand the changing and growing face of adult consumers (i.e. that 1 in 3 people seeking adult content is female), and I’m excited to see what’s next for my cool new phone. If only people would stop offering to write me apps for the iPhone and I’d get offers from Android developers… I worry that the iPhone app store would not treat my topic with fairness or respect.

Here’s PC Week with more on the story (beware ANNOYING rollover ads):

Seattle-based MiKandi LLC has launched the first adults-only mobile applications store for Google Android smartphones. The store is already available for installation from the MiKandi Web site for compatible mobiles, and will offer a range of both free and paid-for adults-only applications.

According to MiKandi, the company was founded by seven people, including former employees of Microsoft, T-Mobile and Comverse, and adult industry veterans. One of MiKandi LLC’s founders, Shane Isbell, began running an alternative Android applications store — SlideME — before the the Android Marketplace’s official launch.

“[MiKandi LLC] wanted to find a niche that was not currently being served and adult applications were at the top of the list,” Jennifer McEwen, one of the company’s founders, told PC World. “There are no other adult app stores out there to meet this need of users and developers. So we entered the market with MiKandi to provide value to the mobile application ecosystem.”

The app store is very much under development. Though you can install the store itself, it only offers a single app: a “multi-speed vibrator system” called “Dildroid.”

The MiKandi developer portal is currently invite-only, but MiKandi LLC is about to launch an e-mail campaign aiming to recruit app developers. According to the MiKandi Twitter profile, the response from developers and end users alike has been overwhelming. (…read more, pcworld.idg.com.a)

In the iPhone app store, nothing remotely adult is officially allowed, unless you count the many fairly misogynistic bikini apps, versus the iPhone app store’s immediate response to pull a male pinup app (which showed no nudity, while featuring some strategically torn jeans here and there). Gay apps without the sex? No problem. (Though don’t tell them Grindr is a hookup app.) TapGay? Not so much.

I really admire the beauty in those European pinup models (and big-name photographers) at Met Art and generally regard their work highly — the combination of tasteful and explicit content with fairly wholesome-looking, natural ladies unarguably puts our domestic men’s magazines to shame. But I’ve always wondered what the vibe is during the shoots, and what it’s all like.

Then I got an email with this link to video of a number of photo shoots with cute model Chantelle :)

Very cool. After watching it, I went into the free gallery database and found a couple of galleries with Chantelle for research purposes, of course, but interestingly I also found a couple of the scenarios shown in her video. I love this one with the heart shaped locket. Posed, but pretty. This set called Famous is in the video, as is this gorgeous set in natural light and shadows (main post image source). Neat stuff. Enjoy!

Image by yasu529.

This is one of those items that does not necessarily have a happy ending, nor give anyone happy face (especially not anyone who deep-sixes a dubious suppository into their precious parts). However, the last word on the topic, provided by longtime friend, colleague and fellow sex educator Charlie Glickman had me rooting like a gothy sex nerd cheerleader from my office chair tonight. (I assisted Charlie in developing and working together in a professional sex ed department for many years.)

Femimint Hygiene: Vagina Mints? Dear Mother Mary with an Altoids fetish, NO! Snip:

(…) So where did the idea for this curiously wrong mint come from? Linger’s website (a little NSFW) offers up a wondrous, romantic tale about the supposed discoverer of femimint hygiene, an unnamed woman who was seduced in India by a man with skin “the color of caramel.” He quelled her fears of tasting bad “down there” with a mysterious, Eastern mint. “When I returned to the States, I brought the tingly sweet tasting mint with me,” she writes. I’ve requested an interview with this mysterious entrepreneur, but have yet to speak with her. However, Linger’s PR guy did send me a sample—made in exotic New Jersey. But that was just my first taste of disappointment.

And then, Dr. Glickman makes us trade our mortification for reason, wit… and something like a slap:

(…) So how does Linger manage to pass off breath mints as vaginal Tic Tacs in $7.99 packs? Despite the salacious creation story and testimonials on its site (”It gets a little warm as it starts to dissolve which took just under an hour. Then, it is SO good!!”), the mint is labeled “for novelty use only.” This is a common practice in the sex-products industry, explains Charlie Glickman, the education program manager at Good Vibrations. It gives manufacturers some cover if something goes awry, he explains. “They could say, ‘It’s just a novelty toy. You weren’t actually expecting to use this were you?’” And if you actually do expect to use Linger to “flavor the woman in a manner that is safe and effective,” be warned: its primary ingredient is sugar, which is not safe for the vagina. It messes up the pH and can lead to a really painful yeast infection, a condition that definitely doesn’t make someone want to “linger.”(…read it all, motherjones.com, thanks Praemedia!)

I’ve been angling to do a lascivious housewares post for a few days now, and while longtime readers know how much I’ve yearned for the Seven Deadly Sins Plate Set, I found a few things that make me want to spend money I don’t have and complete my wanna-be naughty cupboard collection. (I include my Laughing Squid Mug as part of my geek-pervy collection, BTW.)

Above we have the very clever Wanker and Lesbo plates; below we have the Bitch and Wanker Tea Set (want! perfect for me and the boy!) and the lusty, must have for my bar Ceramic Cock Bottle Stopper. Beyond that, I sort of want to pair the Flutterby Vibrator Jade with the *adorable* Grey Union Jack Cushion. (More here.) Also for the bar, I loved Sin in Linen’s Girl Power Rock cocktail glasses with wonderful images for (ahem) shoe lovers. Add to that the stunning, really gorgeous yet inconspicuous high end designer Condom Dispenser from Uncommon Goods, and you’re arriving in style.

Have you seen any more lascivious housewares? Let me know!

Full disclosure: Coco de Mer is a lovingly handpicked sponsor of Tiny Nibbles — among the supporters I’ve personally chosen to partner with and who make this blog possible — and I’m delighted to say I’m meeting the London contingent next month (this post links to their online US store). This post is not part of the sponsorship, they didn’t know I was going to do it, and is more like a personal wishlist :)

But I’ll admit that the video by Kanojo Toys for the (Japanese) Ona Max Revolution Sex Machine (kanojotoys.com) is a must-see. Especially since I’m surprised it hasn’t been pulled from YT yet… But, wow.

Here’s another classic from Kanojo, sans testicle-dildo demo:

Image by Half Pinay – Laretta Houston.

There’s a really interesting, in-depth article about the research around women and sexual desire in the NYT Magazine. Caveat that it’s in the NYT Magazine because if you don’t clear your cookied or use some kind of bugmenot, they still make you log in to read it — and yes, I still find this a terribly outdated and invasive and annoying thing to send my readers to. I still wish they’d stop it so reading their content was more accessible for everyone. Women Who Want to Want by a writer to watch our for, Daniel Bergner is something I’d like to see widely read.

Anyway… This thing is six long fascinating pages long, and totally riveting. I have some very provocative highlights below. The first thing I thought of when I read this article is the concept of so-called “lesbian bed death”. This is the term for a theory put forth by Pepper Schwartz that lesbians have less sex than other couples, especially over time when in long term relationships; that the sex “dies” off after the couple is established. I think that LBD is both a phenomenon and a self-fulfilling prophesy. But this NYT article addresses this issue (though not directly in a lesbian context) and also surprisingly covers the arena of desire, unconventional sexual interests (like, um, bondage or spanking) and how these interests have been typically categorized as mental illnesses — and that times, they have changed. I do enjoy seeing this included in the conversation. First snip, from Women Who Want to Want by a writer to watch out for, Daniel Bergner:

(…) MORE THAN BY any other sexual problem — the elusiveness of orgasm, say, or pain during sex — women feel plagued by low desire. The problems often overlap, but above all the others that can thwart an erotic life, the remoteness of lust is what impels women to seek treatment. And as Brotto discusses the disorder, she is not talking about something physical. She regularly wires the genitals of her patients to a photoplethysmograph to measure whether the women respond with surges of vaginal blood flow while they watch a pornographic video. Almost always, they do.

Brotto is dealing in the domain of the mind, or in the mind’s relationship to the body, not in a problem with the body itself. Beneath Klimt’s couple, she opened yellow case folders and described the desolation and bewilderment recorded in her notes. She spoke about a woman in her 40s who, years ago, had sex with her husband as often as seven times in a day but who now, more than a decade into a marriage with this still-handsome man, cringes at the very same gesture, the very same touch to her back, that once electrified her. (…) judging by what figures exist, Brotto says, between 7 and 15 percent of all young and middle-aged women — an age range that researchers generally set between the neighborhoods of 20 and 60 — feel distressed over the absence of desire. (…)

And then further into the piece, here’s a taste of this:

All of the variations and unknowns and insinuations of patriarchal perspective help make Brotto’s work on the D.S.M. more than a little fraught. But then, the chapter called “Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders” in the 900-page manual barely holds an unfraught sentence. The American Psychiatric Association has appointed a panel of 13 psychologists and psychiatrists to revise the chapter for the new edition, to be titled the D.S.M.-V; it will be the fifth version (not counting a couple of intermediary alterations) since the A.P.A. put together the original manual in 1952 and the first since 1994. The 13 have divided the conditions according to their specialties, and as they aim to improve diagnostic language, they’re shadowed by sometimes-fierce detractors who argue that certain — or all — of the chapter’s disorders should be deleted.

The section on deviant desires, to take one example, is denounced by advocates for alternative sexuality as stigmatizing those whose lusts, no matter how unusual, are harmless, or those whose erotic play, no matter how unsettling, is consensual. Should a man with a foot fetish be branded as mentally ill? Should a woman who finds ecstasy in being elaborately bound and enduring denigration or pain?

Should such people be labeled with psychiatric diseases, though the rest of their lives have no serious dysfunction? Until 1973, homosexuality was among the D.S.M.’s disorders, and critics of the present chapter point to the condemnation the volume once inflicted on gay men and lesbians — condemnation that both reflected and bolstered the prevailing cultural perspective — by way of arguing that the current manual, the D.S.M.-IV, is full of unfounded and damaging sexual judgments. Many on the panel, which probably won’t, in the end, do much in the way of deleting conditions, maintain that the chapter on sexuality and gender identity doesn’t brand people too readily with disease. They note that, aside from exceptions like patients with pedophilia, only those who are distressed meet the threshold for diagnosis. In turn, the critics respond that such distress stems not from within the individual but from the infliction of societal standards, from the culture’s disapproval and aversion and therefore, in part, from the D.S.M. itself. This, they emphasize, was why the A.P.A. finally removed a last remnant of the homosexuality diagnosis — what was known as “ego-dystonic” homosexuality — in 1987.

Though many therapists dismiss the manual as useful for only the numbered codes they scribble on reimbursement forms, subtly the D.S.M. permeates the consciousness of the profession. The book is required reading for almost every psychologist and psychiatrist in training. It delineates the conditions studied by researchers, and it quietly underlies our comprehension of ourselves. Its disorders define norms. Brotto has been constructing an expanded set of criteria for H.S.D.D. with the awareness that she may be shaping, amid a good deal of debate, the way vast numbers of women understand their sexual selves. (…read more, nytimes.com, thanks DC!)

Just found this item: Leeds University advertises for lap dance research officer (telegraph.co.uk). The advertised position is for: “Research Officer – The rise and regulation of lap dancing and the place of sexual labour and consumption in the night time economy”. The ad states that “prior experience of conducting research in the female sex industry” is essential. Telegraph UK says, “Having got the post, the successful applicant would work with the school’s team on a research project to examine the “rise, tolerance and integration of sexual consumption and sexual labour displayed through the erotic dance industry”, and the commercialisation of female sexuality and the female body.”

The punchline, to me, is the offered salary in comparison to what one might make actually doing the lapdancing, rather than study it. Belle de Jour, anyone? Here’s the official job offer page with details (hr.leeds.ac.uk).

Image via limbic.

After finding this essay on McSweeney’s, I’ve had it in the lineup waiting to share it with you. Funny, interesting, well written, and all too familiar… Here’s a snip from the middle of The Conflicted Existence of a Female Porn Writer by Lynsey G.:

(…) After a few months of reviewing, the constant humping was wearing on my retinas and getting tedious. My personal sex drive, initially amped up by the bouncing boobs and facials, was declining in the face of overexposure. I was getting paranoid that I’d never be adequate in bed, or that I’d start thinking really kinky things were normal and scare off my boyfriend. I was finding it easier to come up with derogatory slurs about the performers’ bodies and actions. And, I realized, I was coming to understand the bitterness that edged the voices of my editors and co-writers, the disgust with humanity that drove their daily routines. I told myself I wouldn’t let it happen to me; I’d keep my life and my work separate.

My employers, no doubt interpreting my naiveté as enthusiasm, recommended me to the editor at another, much more prominent skin rag as a set copy writer. This work was easier, paid almost as well, and involved no porn watching; in fact, I never even saw the girls I was writing about. I’d just make up a 500 word story about Karly from Kansas who wanted to be a state trooper but whose jugs threw off her shooting aim, or Eufgenia from the Ukraine whose boobs had grown to an astonishing Double G cup after the Chernobyl disaster, and the editor would match some stock photos to my copy. Not exactly respectful of the girls who had posed nude, but it was the easiest thing I’d ever done for money.

And then, one day, as I was writing up my To-Do list (”write set copy; get groceries; deposit check; watch Jailbait 5; do yoga”) I realized I had become an actual writer. A porn writer. I was a specialist, and my specialty was coming up with funny terms for boobies. Oh. My. God.

Panic ensued. I’d never be a legitimate author now! (…read more, mcsweeneys.net)

When out at lunch with a friend recently, she asked for some serious sexual advice for her friend. Her friend, it turns out (and really, it was her friend, not herself) — her friend is a 22 year old woman who has never had an orgasm. Miss 22, she found out, had told her this and also that she did not masturbate because she didn’t know how. After their conversation, Miss 22 did an informal survey of her friends, and lo, they were all women who openly admitted to masturbating, which left Miss 22 feeling like she’d really been left out. She came back to my friend and asked for advice. Her friend came to me.

I don’t have the bandwidth right now to answer sex advice questions — and apologies if you’ve emailed me and I have not had a chance to respond. Please call or email SFSI.org, where I teach, and learn. I’m so swamped I can barely keep my friends from thinking I’ll never email them back. But this was face to face, and I told her to get a book I Iove. She said “Sex for One? I got that for her and she was too overwhelmed by it.” I told her I never recommend that book for that very reason, because it opens with the author talking about her experiences at group masturbation parties, and that always puts women off who are new to the whole concept of female orgasm — let alone group sex parties! No, I told her to get a copy of the outstanding When the Earth Moves by Mikaya Heart. Also: Lou Paget’s Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming, The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides (Psy. D.) and for follow-up reading, The Clitoral Truth by Rebecca Chalker. Advanced orgasmic exploration is in The Smart Girl’s Guide to the G-Spot (also UK) These are all no-nonsense, plain talk, fun attitude practical books that are outstanding for beginners. And to pair it with erotica: because she’s heterosexual I recommended Lust: Erotic Fantasies for Women (also UK) and Girls On Top: Erotic Fantasies for Women (also UK) — both because they’re packed with well-written women’s erotic fantasies, by women, for women.

Just thought I’d pass it along.

Hot Boy Thursday is irregular in updates, but always brings you quality hotness. This HBT is brought to us by East Village Boys (via Love and Let Love, apocalips.tumblr.com), featuring one of their previous boys of the week Matthew, from Brooklyn photographed by Nodeth Vang. Visit the site for much more.

Image by the delightful photographer, Many rivers to cross.

Reading over the latest news about cosmetic vaginal surgery on the increase in the UK, I kept thinking about last Saturday when I was at the Femina Potens gallery. I remembered the final scene of the night’s performances, where beautiful model Madison Young (and gallery owner) was tied to a wooden pole, and started calling out things to be grateful for, a la Thanksgiving. Because the really neat thing about this weird American holiday is that it makes those of us who think it’s a weird holiday — it makes us really think about what we’re thankful for. I remember the moment Madison smiled and joyously shouted out as loud as she could, “THE CLITORIS!” The room was a riot of shouts, applause and cheers.

I thought a lot about being thankful for the gift of sexual imperfection, and how according to most fundamentalist religions, that sex(uality) is typically the thing that makes us imperfect. On the contrary: our imperfect sex, in all its guises, is what makes us perfectly human. It gives us the capacity for pleasure. With that, empathy, the drive to give of ourselves, the ability to love and be loved. Every human’s genitalia is as unique to each of us as a fingerprint. It is truly lovely that we are imperfect. And for many, genital difference is the make or break for attraction, and variations are hot. Especially when a girl does not look like Malibu Porn Barbie. Being human is perfect, because it can’t be.

I’m really happy with this week’s Chron column, even though I never categorically wanted to enter the labiaplasty debate. Neither did my spellcheck, BTW.

Here’s a snip from Designer Vaginas Hit the UK Runways – Violet Blue: Why we should all be thankful our sex lives are imperfect:

The way it reads on vaginal plastic surgery Web sites — and there are far more of them than we ladies have legs to cross in phantom agony — is that around the world, women are walking around with full-size elephant ears dangling between their legs. No woman in America can sit on a barstool, let alone wear shorts or skip freely to the corner store for a forty, without tripping face-first over what surely must be her horrifyingly misshapen labia. We might as well be playing double-Dutch with our gear. And most of all, we should be utterly mortified at the age of 13 if we don’t have private parts that look like a plastic-fantastic replica of Barbie’s flattened vulva.

I am trying to exaggerate, but I don’t think I am, really. Not by much. The sites soothe the fears of concerned labia-owners, and disturbingly, the parents of the underage labia-owners. Labiaplasty has long been a subject of raging debate and the cosmetic procedures became a fad (along with so-called “vaginal rejuvenation” surgeries and the freaky “G-shot” trend) here in the US years ago. Outraged feminists decried the procedures, most of us sex educators just winced and prepped for questions about sexual function, and a significant number of women went all nip tuck on their bits.

Now that the designer vag trend has officially hit the UK, are we starting to hear about the concerning lack of data around nose jobs for your… other nose. According to the Guardian UK, a study published recently in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology revealed that over the last year there’s been an increase of almost 70 percent in the number of women having labiaplasty through their National Health Service. In the article they quote Alison Henry about her labiaplasty, and while her circumstances were unusual, she wrote that the operation was so “brutal” she’d rather get her teeth pulled out than do it again. Now that women’s stories are starting to come out about life after the procedure, you probably won’t want a new hoo-ha for the holidays. Sorry about that. Hope you keep the receipt.

Now I’m not anti-plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons; I have a number of friends who feel (and function) a lot better now that they look and feel the way they want to — though I am a critic of bad boob jobs. It’s not like you can say to someone who gets a nose job, hey, you look great the way you are and I’m worried your nose won’t feel as much pleasure when I touch it after you get a bunch of it cut off and reshaped. You may not even care about your nose’s feelings. You just care about how your nose looks and that air can go in and out of it, and that’s that. Which is fine if all you want to do is breathe and look pretty at the same time.

Some of us girls want a little more than that. (…read more, sfgate.com)

* I just noticed that someone at SF Gate, whoever they are, decided to put their own take on my column’s title on the front page. Personally, I think “Designer Vaginas a Disturbing Trend” is a really dated title for an article that notes the ‘trend’ is several years old in the US. That is not the title of my article. I mean, I just don’t see how distorting my intentions as a writer helps a writers’ institution get clickthroughs. Let me pass or fail on my own merits, plz. (And I do notice that other columnists do not get their columns renamed. Mark is a great example. I did get another column job offer last week. Actually I got two. Hrm…)

Image by UrbanPhotographer2007.

I just couldn’t resist the title after the last post. Here’s an interesting post about looking at men as mere sex objects for our consumption, based around the growing obsession with Twilight’s Robert Pattinson. It’s a pretty heteronormative view, but try it on as a reflection of what’s changing in mainstream female sexual values. Nom nom nom…

But the issue of Our Cultural Discomfort With Objectifying Robert Pattinson, which is a very important phenomenon that I just made up and decided that we should focus on, is perhaps best illuminated by how different it is from our generalized Cultural Discomfort with MF. Because we have no problem with objectifying Megan Fox, really! We just have a problem with everything she says, and specifically the things she says wherein she takes issue with being objectified. We just hate her. Whereas people don’t hate Robert Pattinson, really. At least, not outside of the inevitable superfans in various Internet comment sections, who take issue with him not loving Twilight like it is his own sweet mother, and most of their ire is reserved for Kristen Stewart anyway. And superfans just yell about shit all the time. That is how they show their love. People outside the superfan matrix don’t tend to have strong feelings about The Pattz, but they do tend to get all squirmy and giggly and uncomfortable with the way that so many women relate to his filmed image (for example, by screen-printing it on their underpants) and/or his person.

Because those women are acting in a way that is typically reserved for men. And they’re treating Pattinson like a girl.

This is a place I was heading toward in the American Prospect piece – which is now available online to non-subscribers, in case you wondered – but had to steer away from due to Word Count Issues, which is: we are used to seeing straight men’s goofy, unrealistic sexual fantasies. They are everywhere, all the time. Beer commercials, magazines, Michael Bay movies, porn obviously. We’re used to having female characters flattened out, falsified, emptied out and filled up again with a boundless desire to satisfy men’s needs for no apparent reason. We’re used to the fact that straight male sexual fantasy scenarios (or, at least, sexual fantasies marketed to straight men: and, hey, a lot of dudes are buying them) are cartoonish, in poor taste, unsophisticated, weird. We’re used to expressions of desire, public expressions, aimed at women the desire-expressers have never met and will never sleep with and will probably never even see in all three dimensions, outside of a movie screen or photograph or TV set – discussions of whether the men in question would, in fact, “hit that” or whatnot – and to the sale of those bodies, or at least images and facsimiles thereof. The Twilight sparkle dildo exists in a world where Jenna Jameson was, for a time, selling a replica of her own vagina as a masturbatory aid. (And, you know, I’d Google it, to prove this to you? But I am writing this in a coffee shop, so. Do your own research.)

But this is everywhere. We’re used to it. It’s part of the accepted context of straight male desire – it’s tacky as all hell, aesthetically, and that’s just how they do – and so criticizing it, in an aesthetic way, seems pointless. Congratulations, you went looking for art in a product intended to provide boners and came up empty. Surprise! But when girls do the exact same thing – when they prove themselves capable of the exact same sort of objectification, and the exact same goofiness or tackiness or unrealistic fantasy in the name of getting off – well, it freaks people out. It’s weird. Why are they acting like this? Don’t they know that Robert Pattinson is a person? Why are they treating him like a big chunk of meat? Why doesn’t Edward Cullen act like a real guy would? Etcetera!

Because Edward Cullen is porn. (…read more, tigerbeatdown.com)

The question I posed:

An email is making me wonder — are men more disturbed by certain sexual fantasy situations than women out of a misplaced sense of chivalry?

Last week I got an email from friends (a couple) who run a fetish website that is about fantasies involving female submission in scenarios that include the models being sexually objectified as food objects. The women at the center of these very over-exaggerated cartoonish scenes are submitting to other women, are never portrayed as doing anything against their will, yet the scenes are very graphic with the use of food and cooking implements. It is certain that were this to happen to people in real life, they would not survive skewering or cooking. There is an element of devotion from the submissive female to her chefs; it is often done with a smile and playfulness. On the website it is repeated that these scenes are fantasy only, and anyone wanting to make them real life should seek help immediately. (If only slasher films came with the same extensive warnings and explanations.)

Naturally, as with all extreme fetish and fantasy, some people take the site lightly and jokingly, some think it’s just plain weird, others think it’s kinda hot, while others are freaked out and honestly offended by the material. Such is the nature of sex: like a particular food, some will hate it, some will love it, while most will have a passing reaction not the least of which is neutrality. For instance my friends who work in restaurants thought the images were hilarious and not charged with intent at all, while I did notice that a couple men reacted with strong “ew” to the site’s images.

But how do women feel about it? My friends who run the site said,

In 10 years of doing [redacted], we have noticed an interesting pattern: When our work is exposed to folks who have never seen it before (and never even imagined such a fetish could exist!), men are more likely to get ruffled over it and women are more likely to find it intriguing. We’ve thought about why this is so and our (admittedly very unprofessional) conclusion is that women sometimes enjoy the combination of danger and desire (think vampires) and can see the sexiness in purely fantasy situations, while men might be reacting out of a slightly misplaced sense of chivalry. (Of course there are exceptions; men who are already into the fantasy need no explanation of what is sexy about it and some ladies are so shocked by the images that they are immediately turned off.)

So, intrigued by the concept of misplaced male chivalry as directed at female sexual fantasies, I asked the question on Twitter. (”are men more disturbed by certain sexual fantasy situations than women out of a misplaced sense of chivalry?”) And the response was overwhelming. One person answered, “Not misplaced chivalry, but confusion over when objectification is hot and when it’s not.” A woman wrote, “I would say that’s a totally valid theory. Couple of friends don’t do fellatio bc *he* feels its degrading to her tho she luvs it” while a guy replied to me with “I think social pressures can lead men to confuse chivalry (I know what’s good for u) and feminism (u know what’s good for u).”

One man said, “Absolutely! Can be worse for feminist men with internal conflict b/w quasi-chivalrous 2nd wave and sex+, self-defined 3rd wave.” Gay male BDSM porn performers and female BDSM porn performers alike said that occasionally male fans/viewers want to “save” them from their supposed perils. In a few responses, chivalry and feminism seemed to be at odds (”I’d want to distinguish between ‘chivalrous’ & feminist men. Same result (unease) but different origin.”) One man wrote, “I think you’re right on the money with that. A lot of male sexuality can be explained by expectations of what you call chivalry.” A male friend wrote, “”Taking charge” and “the pedestal” are justifiably confusing to men. Both sexually and socially. Taken together, they’re counter-intuitive.” Another, “Very possible. A lot of us were raised to be “good” and nice to women. Sometimes seen as lack of strength.” A female pal wrote, “in all my Years of phone sex i discovered i was WAY more open as a lady to dive into certain fantasies with ease.”

What do you think?

Who knew anyone could make American Idol culturally relevant?

Even my (very) straight male friends have been sending these news items in disbelief, like:

> “They just can’t believe the nature of the content, the explicit nature, and how much graphic content there was.” (BBC News: Adam Lambert’s gay kiss on stage gets 1,500 complaints)

> What is this guy talking about… a gay kiss on TV last night? OMG.

Carnal Nation explains, “For his first televised performance since the Season Eight finale of the American Idol, Adam Lambert pulled out all the stops and his risqué rendition of “For Your Entertainment” stunned the audience at Los Angeles’ Nokia Theatre and the millions watching the American Music Awards live on ABC. (…) Lambert also said that if ABC decides to cut any parts of his performance for the West Coast rebroadcast, it would amount to discrimination. “Female performers have been doing this for years — pushing the envelope about sexuality — and the minute a man does it, everybody freaks out. We’re in 2009; it’s time to take risks, be a little more brave, time to open people’s eyes and if it offends them, then maybe I’m not for them. My goal was not to piss people off, it was to promote freedom of expression and artistic freedom,” said Lambert.”

Well, discriminate someone did. It seems that this morning on CBS, it’s all cool if you’re Will to my Grace, just don’t be honest about what that looks like. Unless, of course, it’s two chicks. Oh yes they did. TMZ caught it, saying: “During an interview on “The Early Show” this morning, Adam Lambert’s AMAs same-sex face suck was blurred out — but moments later they ran a completely uncensored version of Madonna and Britney’s infamous ‘lesbian’ lip-lock at the MTV VMAs.”

Update: CBS responded six hours after this post, and their response is so thin and pathetic they should really have not said anything at all (extratv.warnerbros.com). It actually makes no sense whatsoever, and comes off like like Uncle Bernie in the rest home talking about what a war hero Reagan was in the Gulf war. Do they really think we’re that stupid, or forgiving of such glaringly offensive behavior from CBS? So sad. No wonder the networks are dying.

Oh, also — I notice that all the blogs are calling bullshit on CBS’ statement. This one being no exception. But considering their “excuse” we must suppose they don’t have a Google Blog Alert on their name. Or internet access. In the rest home.