View from the Cloud

... which will be good experience if I ever want to become an undertaker

2009-11-20T20:24:00.005-06:00

It was subtle, almost imperceptible - yet I knew something was there. Almost like the way the light from a faint star disappears when you look directly at it, yet you can see it in your peripheral vision when you look away.

But every time I opened up the kitchen pantry door, there it was... a slight whiff of something. Eh... must be some odd mix of spices and dry goods I told myself.

But then this morning I decided to investigate further. I started at the top. Sniff, sniff. Nothing there. Then the 2nd, 3rd and 4th shelves. Nothing again. Finally I knelt down, twisted my neck to the right and looked waaay in the back at the bottom, behind the cookie sheets and cake pans.

Huh... what is that?

I reached back deep into the cupboard and grabbed a plastic bag, heavy with potatoes. I wonder if there's anything wrong with these?

I removed the plastic clip, opened up the bag, sank my face into the ancient spuds and inhaled... but only until I started gagging, and coughing, and dry heaving, and running out the back door so I didn't purge on the kitchen floor.

So yeah, you might say I found the offensive smell. You might also say I learned what a rotting corpse smells like.

Ten Questions with Jeff

2009-11-18T12:30:00.017-06:00

My recent interview with Diesel was so much fun that I decided I wanted to do more interviews. Unfortunately, I didn't actually ask anyone else if they wanted to be interviewed - so that makes it a little tough.

Then I remembered this post from 2 years ago where I simply interviewed myself, and how huge of a hit that was. Problem solved!

So here I am again, chatting with myself. Enjoy.

Sup.

Not much, sup with you?

Last I heard you were looking for a new job. How's that working out for you?

Well, in the last month I've applied for 23 jobs. Miraculously, 9 of them have offered me positions and I've accepted them all. It's my feeling that it's better to have too many jobs than not enough.The only drawback is I have to work 167.5 hours per week. But I do have a spare 1/2 hour in there to take a shower, so it's not all bad.

I haven't heard jack about The Receders in months. Did you guys break up?

Funny you should mention that. NO. Our bass player had to take a new job in Nashville and for some reason he wasn't interested in flying back to Minnesota every month to play a biker bar for no money. He's kind of quirky that way. Bottom line is we found a new guy and we are in the process of preparing for our first concert in January. Where, you ask? Why right here! Tickets went on sale today, so if you're interested in attending, get them now. The last time we played there we sold out in 2 weeks.

What about Austin's Skate Plaza project? Is that thing ever going to get built?

Man, it's like you're ~~psycho~~ psychic or something. Next Tuesday the city is holding a public input meeting where people can show up to express their support (hint hint) or concerns about the project. The mayor has indicated that if there are no major roadblocks after that, the new skate plaza will open on July 4, 2010 - exactly four years to the day that Austin approached him about building a skate plaza. If you're interested in following the progress, you can join his Facebook group here.

Ok... word on the street is that your side business, Virus Stompers, is doing pretty well. Do you send the people who write viruses flowers and candy for supplying you all that business?

Hardly. Those scumbags should be hung up by their trojan horses and flogged. The world would be a much better place if every time you used the internet or email you weren't at risk of being infected. Fortunately, if you follow some basic safety and maintenance guidelines you should be just fine. In the meantime, if you would like to be updated on a weekly basis with helpful safety tips and virus-related news, you can always become a Facebook fan or follow us on Twitter. We've gotten a lot of positive feedback from these little info-tweets.

That was like 3 advertisements in a row. Aren't you ashamed?

Oh hell no. That's exactly what personal blogs are all about. Everytime we publish something we're basically advertising for ourselves in one way or another, whether it be our family, our recipes or our writing. Personally, I'm always selling my humor in the hopes that someone from a hit sitcom or humor magazine will read my blog and beg me to work for them. I hear it happens all the... well, I hear it happened once. But still, that's not never!

You just used the word "everytime" in that last answer. Is "everytime" even a word?

I always thought so, but according to the online dictionaries it isn't. I wonder if anyone else uses it.

What the hell is going on with blogs these days? Is it just me or are blogs becoming yesterday's news?

It seems that as more and more people are coming online with things like Facebook and Twitter, more and more people are also moving away from blogs - both in terms of writing them and reading/commenting on them.

I fear the heyday of blog activity is waning. My comments have dropped from the high 30s a few years ago to 10-15 these days. Likewise, the number of newly published posts in my feed reader is slowing down at a rapid rate as well. It just seems there are too many other distractions out there and people only have so much time. Personally, I recommend that people visit View From The Cloud first and then check their FB statuses etc next. But that's just me.

What are you wearing?

Ok, that's just weird. Even for you. But if you must know, I'm wearing a lovely cotton tee-shirt and jeans, just like you.

#10

For some reason I don't believe that you really got a new job, let alone 9 of them. Are you BS-ing me?

Wow, nothing gets by you, does it. The straight answer is no, I didn't get a new job. But I do have a job interview tomorrow, so wish me luck!

Mystery Monday

2009-11-16T16:18:00.002-06:00

You ever see those puzzles where they show you two pictures side by side and you have to try to figure out what is different about them?

Well I've got a good one for you. Here are two different photos of Austin, virtually indistinguishable in every way. But I've added some subtle differences to fool you. See if you can spot them.

I know... this is a tough one. It's like you're looking at the same picture twice. Well, let me help you out.

What's Different?
1. The hat
2. The extra shirt
3. The picture over the other shoulder
4. The crucifix
5. The hand railing

Oh, and one more slight difference...

6. The angry look that says I want to bite your face off versus the smiling, happy face.

I guess some people are just not morning people. It's amazing what an hour can do, isn't it? Oh, and also having your braces removed after 3 years. Yeah, that helps too.

My spam has a certain appeal

2009-11-14T09:36:00.009-06:00

Hmm.... I'm a little confused by this solicitation spam I received in the mail yesterday.

First of all, why did they circle the $100 box? I understand how subliminal suggestions are supposed to work, but did they really think this was going to sway me to donate $100? Where's the 25¢ box? I think I might be able to get behind that one.

Then, in an attempt to woo me into donating, they included this shiny metal angel medallion. Granted, I did become a fan here, but please remind me again... how is this supposed to encourage me to donate?

I suppose I could use it at Chuck-E-Cheese to win a fabulous rubber pencil topper.

Then they add a "do not shred" disclaimer on the envelope.

My guess is, they need your donations to pay the settlements to all the people who have been injured by flying paper shredder shrapnel after attempting to dispose of this letter.

Ah... now I understand what the "suffering" thing is all about. So let's see if I've got this straight... they send out a letter with a metal object that maims people, and then ask for $100 to help pay for their lawsuits and injuries.

I think I nailed it. I'm usually pretty intuitive about these things you know.

10 Questions with Rob (Diesel) Kroese

2009-11-10T04:07:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, my friend Rob (Diesel) Kroese (pronounced KROO-see for some unknown reason) recently published his first novel, Mercury Falls.

Mercury Falls is an extremely clever and surprisingly deep book about how the Apocalypse is supposed to unfold, and the characters who are unfolding it. What's not surprising is why it's clever and deep.

I've been following Diesel as a blogger for several years and find him to be one of the wittiest, smartest and most snarkastic humorists in the business - which is exactly what you want in an author of a novel about a smartass Angel who is meddling with Armageddon.

I see big things coming for this man, so I decided to interview him while he was still unknown enough to talk to me. Then later, when he's all "Ooh... I'm a big famous author guy" I can crack open this post and say I knew him when. Enjoy.

1. Your book's storyline is very well organized and complete. Describe your writing process. Did you have the whole plot mapped out before you began writing it, or did you just kind of start it and make it up as you went?

I definitely didn't start from any kind of outline. For me, that makes writing too much of a chore, although I can see why some people do it. I started with the character of Mercury, who is this sort of disillusioned smartass of an angel. It seems like angels (and demons) are always depicted in books and movies as being these unquestioning agents of higher powers, and I wanted to challenge that idea, so I came up with this angel who is basically well-intentioned but has absolutely no interest in doing what he's been told to do. And since Mercury is such a big, overbearing character, I decided I needed a more down-to-earth foil that readers could relate to, so I came up with Christine, a reporter whose job is essentially to cover the apocalypse (which turns out not to be as exciting as it sounds). I contrived a situation for these two characters to meet, and then kind of went from there. The problem with writing this way is that you end up writing yourself into a lot of dead-ends, and you do a lot of backtracking and rewriting. Still, for me it works better than writing from an outline. I'm too much like Mercury -- if I have an outline, I feel compelled to rebel against it, even if I imposed the outline on myself.

2. Armageddon, the Apocalypse, destiny... these are heady topics. Do you ponder these things for real, or do you just find them entertaining topics to write about?

Honestly, no. I don't think much about these things, at least not in any specific sense. In fact, a lot of the book's humor comes from the attempts of human beings (and angels) to understand concepts that are way beyond their pay grade. Anybody who tells you with a straight face that they understand the Book of Revelation is not to be taken seriously.

3. I suffered along with you as you struggled to get a book deal and ultimately ended up self-publishing instead. That must have been very frustrating. Did you think it was going to be easier? How has your view of the publishing industry changed? Do you feel jaded by this experience?

I knew it was going to be hard, but not as hard as it was. To be honest, I think that if I had finished Mercury Falls two years earlier, I would have been able to get it published by a major publisher. But things are really surreal in the publishing industry right now. I don't think I'm being hyperbolic when I say that this is the worst time in the last hundred years to be trying to get a novel published. Unless you're already a celebrity or you happen to hit on the 'hot' topic of the moment (hint: vampires), your odds of being published by one of the big houses are ridiculously small. I got positive feedback from a number of literary agents, but in the end nobody wanted to take a chance on a quirky novel about a rogue angel written by a guy with an apparently unpronounceable last name. So my choice was to try to get it published by a smaller, independent press or to self-publish, and I just didn't see the advantage of going with an independent press. With any publisher, you lose a large amount of control over the book and you forfeit most of the book's revenues. Sure, you can say that you were published by a "real publisher," but who cares? There are tens of thousands of books published every year by "real publishers" that never make it to the shelves of Barnes & Noble. So I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I should add that it is absolutely not true that a self-published book will never be picked up by a major publisher -- or, for that matter, sell a hundred thousand copies without the help of a major publisher. Yesterday I got an email from someone at Barnes & Noble corporate asking me to send them a copy of my book so that they could consider stocking it. I have no idea where they even heard about Mercury Falls; I can only guess that enough customers asked them for it that it made it onto their radar. That's a nice email to get -- a lot nicer than the dozens of rejections I was getting from literary agents looking for the next pubescent vampire series.

4. You have a very dry and snarky sense of humor. I know your type. I'm one myself. As a child, did your mouth ever get you in trouble? Did you have trouble respecting authority figures?

There's a lot of Mercury in me. Or a lot of me in Mercury. I have a compulsive need to point out absurdities, and that includes the hypocrisies and idiosyncracies of the people that I'm supposed to respect. So yeah, I got in a fair amount of trouble in school, and I've been fired from a few jobs. I like to think I've grown up a bit, but I figure that if you've never been fired from a job, you're not pushing hard enough.

5. At one point in your blog-tales you were chronicling the progress of your home remodeling efforts. Did you ever complete your house and landscaping projects or do you still have a giant unfinished addition and a dirt yard?

I stopped blogging regularly shortly before the house was finished, so I never closed the loop on that whole saga. Yes, the house is done. My wife and I designed it ourselves (and I did a fair amount of actual construction work), and it's awesome to have a house that's exactly what we wanted.

6. For some reason I'm fascinated by the fact you own an almond orchard. Tell me about it. Is it still producing? How large is it? Do you farm it personally or lease it out to other growers? Does it provide income for you? Do you have almonds with every meal?

Yes, we have an almond orchard. And it's pronounced "amund," like "salmon." I live in the Almond Capital of the World, Ripon, California, so we get to decide how it's pronounced. We only have about 8 acres, so it's not really worth the trouble of farming it ourselves. We lease it to a guy who has like a bazillion acres in the area. Without giving an exact figure, I'll just say that it provides slightly less revenue than panhandling. It's like writing that way. And you can't really just pick almonds off the tree and eat them, because the nuts have this hull around them that you basically need a hammer to crack open. And if you go to the trouble of doing that, you get one tiny little almond that's kind of moist and squishy and bland, because it hasn't been dried, roasted or salted. So no, we don't have them with every meal.

7. Do you still work for Google? If so, what exactly do you do for them. And more importantly, can you get me a job there?

I'm always very careful to say I work "at" Google, not "for" Google. Technically I work for another company that's a subcontractor for Google. The company I work for manages inventory for tech companies -- basically, they help these companies keep their employees supplied with computers, monitors, mice, etc. For the past two years I've been building an asset tracking system for Google -- basically a system that allows them to track where all their laptops, monitors, etc. are once they've been deployed. You'd be surprised at how unsophisticated the tracking systems are at a lot of these high tech companies (and it's not just Google; we have contracts with lots of other big companies). These companies are so focused on growing and delivering products to their customers that pretty quick they've got a multi-billion dollar enterprise that's tracking its equipment on 26 different spreadsheets. Google is particularly surreal; they believe in giving their engineers basically anything the engineers need. It's standard, for example, to give an engineer a desktop PC, a laptop and two 26" flat panel monitors on the day they start. Which is awesome for the engineers -- but it would also be nice to be able to track where all this stuff is that you've given out. So, to answer your question, no.

8. I know you've thought about it... so who will play your characters in the movie?

For Mercury, I like Bruce Campbell (left) or maybe Simon Baker (you know, from "The Mentalist"). Will Smith would be great too. It's gotta be somebody with some swagger. Not sure about Christine. Maybe Zooey Deschanel (right). As for Karl (the Antichrist), I think Kevin Smith might be a fitting choice. (And this question isn't as ridiculous as it sounds. Hopefully I'll have more news on that in a few weeks.)

9. What's your next book going to be about?

Probably about a hundred pages shorter.

10. Finally... In the book, you described the title character this way: "Mercury was tall, maybe six foot four. He had the physique of a cyclist and the hands of a harpsichordist. He could just as well have been a long distance runner and concert pianist..." And, "His features were pronounced and aquiline. Deep set green eyes peered mischievously out from under his prominent brow."

Let's see... I'm 6'4", thin like a cyclist, I play the piano, have deep set green eyes and a prominent brow. You totally created that character after me didn't you.

That description was only in your copy. I customize it for everyone who buys the book. It's a lot of work, but well worth it for the joy it brings to my readers.
Ed note: That's very considerate... thank you.

So there you have it folks... 10 questions with Rob (Diesel) Kroese. I hope you enjoyed it, and I highly recommend you buy his book. It's funny and smart and way worth the measly $12 they're selling it for on Amazon.

Buy the book on Amazon here
Visit the Mercury Falls web site here

For real...

2009-11-08T11:08:00.001-06:00

Mr. Know-It-All

2009-11-04T20:31:00.003-06:00

Could it be? Is it possible that Mr. Know-It-All has actually answered all of your questions?

Well, I seriously doubt that, but the last time he wrote a column he only received two new ones. So I guess it's up to you now. Either leave more questions or say goodbye to this feature for good. (sniff)

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What's the best holiday in the U.S.?
- Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
Sadly, the very best holiday in the US hasn't happened yet. But when it does you'll hear about it loud and clear. It's looking pretty good for happening this year though!

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What is the deal with those jerks who whiz past the long line of cars waiting to go through construction, and then try to cut in at the last minute? Why do they think they're so special?
- Heather

Dear Heather,
Because these people are special. The day they were born their birth certificates were embossed with a unique stamp proclaiming that for the rest of their lives they would be granted privileges normally reserved for people like royalty and dignitaries and Paris Hilton. Everything about these people is special. They are more beautiful than us, their time is more valuable than ours, and they never have to shop at Walmart. Therefore, the rest of us "ordinary" people must resolve to the fact the we shall forever let them pass us on the left, and provide space for them in front. It's just the way things are.

* * * * *

So that's all I got folks. Watta ya say... bring Mr. Know-It-All back or send him packing?

related reads: click here to see the previous columns

On The Road - The Barn

2009-10-30T23:22:00.009-05:00

...continued from On The Road - The Journey

A funny thing has been happening over the last few months. Gravity has been starting to form around a 30 year-old event.

In April I published the first chapter of my On The Road series, which highlight my early years on the road as a young musician boy-man.

In chapter one, I described how I was summoned on the phone at 7 a.m. by a gruff old man named Gabe Garland, who coaxed me into driving out to Pennsylvania to join one of his magic road shows (my word, not his).

In the second chapter, I relived the harrowing cross-country road trip, aided by the pages of my infamous angst-filled teen diary.

However, in the weeks that followed those stories, I started noticing several new hits on my blog by people searching for "Gabe Garland." Then I started receiving comments on those posts, followed by emails from various people who also had experiences with Gabe and one of his many bands. These messages came in 2 flavors:

1. people sharing their stories with me
2. people asking me to continue my story

And so, to fulfill my duty as a servant of the people, I will now continue the tale of my first road experience as a 19 year old musician.

The Destination

When we last left young Jeffrey, he was just pulling into Hazleton, PA after a horrifying 3-day limp across the United States.

By the time I reached Hazleton I was completely spent. For 12 hours I battled mountain hills, road construction, pea soup fog, and icy, pouring rain. All I could think about was finding someplace to lie down and sleep... for a long, long time. But I was still not at my destination completely. I still had to get to the studio. And so, armed with the phone number Gabe gave me just a few days earlier, I pulled into a gas station, dropped a quarter in the pay phone and called the studio. It was now 1 a.m.

Band guy: "Hello?"
Me: "Um, yeah... I'm, uh... Jeff Lee and I need directions to... uh... you know, where you guys are at."
Band guy: "Oh. Well, you're still about 15 miles out dude. How about we meet you at the Beacon Diner in Hometown and you can follow us from there to Barnesville, where the barn is."
Me: "15 miles? The barn?"

The Beacon Diner today... STILL 5 miles from the barn

The Barn

Little did I know that the studio was not so much of a "studio," in the traditional sense of how you would imagine a recording studio, as it was a "barn." Literally. In Barnesville.

And also little did I know... that the band I had just traveled 1267 miles to join was not the only band living at the barn. In fact, there were three bands living there - our band The Toys, The Boxtops and The Classics Four. In addition, not only were there 20 or so musicians occupying the place, but so were their various spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, dogs and cats. All-in-all I estimated there were about 40 people in this place. In other words, I had just pulled into what was the equivalent of a hippie commune.

The Barn

When I finally walked in at 2 a.m. the place was quiet. And dark. One of my band-mates showed me to a large room and pointed me at a mattress on the floor along the wall, which was to serve as my new "home" for the next 10 days. I was asleep within seconds.

The next morning things became very strange very quickly. Allow me to quote directly from my infamous diary:

When I woke up there were a lot of things going on - especially in my head. 1st - what am I doing here? There was a band set up at one end of the room and there was all these weird people waking up on all sides of me. So I took refuge in Matt, our bass player, and had him show me the place. First the shower.

The bathroom (guys) had 2 toilet stalls and 3 shower stalls. There was a long counter with 3 sinks and a long mirror over the sinks. There were toothbrushes, shaving kits, hairbrushes and anything else a bunch of guys would need. So I took a shower and got dressed and got my act together so I could meet all these people.

I went into the kitchen which was the popular hang out. Here they had a fridge, a stove, some cupboard space and a table that seats 6. No sink of course - you had to go into the bathroom to wash your dishes or get water, which was real appetizing. There wasn't much in the way of dishes there either. A few spoons and plates and cups - you had to wash out anything you wanted to use and then wash them when you were done - so there was all kinds of dishes in the bathroom on the counter next to everything else - including the smell.

And so we will pause here until next time... which I promise will be sooner than it took me to get to this one. In the meantime, since I have been receiving so much interest in this story from ex-Gabe recruits, I thought it would be insanely cool to set up a common space for all of us to get together and share our tales, pictures and pain from 30 years ago. Hmm, let's see. What would be a good place to do that? Wait, I know... how about a Facebook fan page? Good idea Jeff!

So, if you're someone who wants to contribute to this living legacy, or just follow along, simply click this link and you will forever be included as a member of:

I Played in a Gabe Garland Band!

Next Up: Gabe

4 Ways of Looking at...

2009-10-28T16:10:00.007-05:00

Reader's Digest (no, you don't have to be "old" to read it) has a feature they refer to as "4 Ways of Looking at..." where they highlight an object from 4 different perspectives. Last month it was "4 Ways of Looking at a mask." They've been doing this for awhile now and in the past have featured such exciting subject matter as a bubble, a wall, a chair and my personal favorite... an egg. Yee-haw!

I thought it would be fun and, what the hell, maybe even plagiaristic - to steal this idea for my own. Therefore, here is my take on:

4 Ways of Looking at a Trough

1. As the Bottom of the Barrel
You probably don't ever think of it this way, but most businesses these last few years have been operating in what is known as "a trough"... my own employer included, hence the whole, "I'm looking for a new job" drama around here. Some people see this as a good place to be because it means they've reached the bottom and can only do better from here. Those people poop rainbows and are probably already independently wealthy anyway.

2. As a Urinal
One of my least favorite things to do is to saddle up shoulder-to-shoulder with a bunch of guys at a stadium urinal trough, because inevitably, the drunk guy next to you is forcing 100 psi of used beer against the back wall and bouncing it back onto your pants. Therefore, I always try to stand next to an old guy, because they usually don't have enough horsepower to create a backsplash.

3. As a Punchline (@ 2:28)
Taken from one of the most classic movies of all time, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, this scene never fails to deliver.

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!

I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

4. As Your Dinner for the Evening
Tomorrow night my entire family is going out to eat at one of our favorite places, The Old Country Buffet - courtesy of my mom, dad and brother (thanks folks!). We jokingly call it "the trough," because we always eat like pigs every time we go there.

nom nom... more of everything!

Rosie and her creepy friends

2009-10-25T19:09:00.000-05:00

Last night Rosie and I went to a local "Haunted Acres" and had a ghoulishly fun time. This place had a 20 minute hay ride through the woods where scary monsters jump out at you and climb up on the wagon. Rosie was like a creep magnet for these creatures because ever single one of them decided to stop, get in her face, and stare her down before they moved on through the rest of the wagon. Perhaps it was the ear-piercing scream she let out EVERY time she saw one? Just a guess.

They also had 3 haunted houses and a scary corn maze as well, all with the same premise... ugly/dead/grumbly/creepy/clowns that jump out at you when you least expect it. It never gets old. No, really.

But seriously, these places are a lot of fun. Especially if you're a 13 year old girl. I haven't had my daughter snuggle up that close to me since she was 5. And as you can see in this picture, these places are also very popular. This is the hour long line we had to wait in for our turn.

While we were standing in line, I decided it would be kind of fun to snap a picture of my beautiful daughter so I would have something to remember this night by, but apparently Rosie decided she actually was 5 and didn't want to have anything to do with it. It wasn't until I threatened to not repay her for the admission (I didn't know they took cash only so I had to borrow it from miss moneybags herself) that she quickly succumbed to the "relatively normal" last picture in this series.

Thanks Rosie... you're such a sport.

No, I will NOT open my eyes!

Rosie... I'm gonna kill you!

Ok, but only ONE eye!

Perhaps some dork-lips?

Or how about some squishy face?

Sure dad, I'll smile nice. Now... give me my money!

Unfortunately the place didn't allow photographs once you were outside of the building, so all I have of our lovely evening are these. But that's ok... I also have the ringing in my ears from the 2 hours of teen-screams to remember this by.

So WHO exactly is trained here?

2009-10-22T16:47:00.000-05:00

Conversation between our guinea pigs:

Caramel: I'm hungry

Lightning: Ya... we're guinea pigs dummy. We're always hungry.

Caramel: Yeah, but I'm sick of these pellets. Let's get those big people to feed us some actual vegetables.

Lightning: Ok, but not that really tall guy. He doesn't understand us. We have to wait until that woman with the loud shoes comes home. Ooh... here she is now! Ready?

Lightning and Caramel: Squeek, squeek... squeeeeek, squeeeeek... SQUEEEEEEEEK!!!

Charli: What's that? Do I hear some piggies? Do you widdle piggy girls want some treats? Oh, here you go sweeties, have some yummy celery!

Lightning: Sucker.

My First Time

2009-10-20T13:18:00.006-05:00

Hey everyone... this week is my four year blogiversary!

665 posts.

How crazy is that?

I was originally going to wait to publish this until next Monday, my actual anniversary date, but I don't have anything else queued up right now so we're gonna celebrate early.

So yeah baby, 4 years! That's a long-ass time. What really cracks me up is that I had a total phobia about starting this blog in the first place. I know, you'd never guess that now. Anyone who can churn out posts loaded with embarrassing pictures and poop stories on a regular basis could not have been too uptight about blogging. But check out my first post here. It really wasn't that easy for me.

In fact, I remember that first post like it was yesterday {{{cue swirly, blurry flashback effect}}}

I hadn't told anyone I was thinking about doing this. But after 3 false starts I finally got the guts to go through with it. I nervously clicked "Publish Post," wondering if anyone would see it. What if it shows up on that Blogger banner and someone actually clicks on it! For some silly reason I was embarrassed by the whole thing.

Then, after I had written a half dozen posts or so, I meekly mentioned to my wife that I had "started writing in a blog," as if she was going to burst into laughter and make me feel like a fool for thinking I was qualified to do so. But instead, I was relieved to see that she was smiling as she began reading my work.

I don't know where this insecurity came from, but it didn't take long for me to get over it and jump in with both feet. Soon I was telling my family and closest friends that I was now "a blogger," like I was somebody important, and inviting everyone I knew to check it out.

I started getting a few comments right away from my family but it didn't take long for me to figure out that if I visited other people's blogs and left comments there, it would entice them to come on over and see what I was up to.

Now of course 4 years later I can churn out a blog post and not even think about it. In fact, sometimes when I go back through my archives I don't even remember some of the posts I've written. At least I think I wrote them.

But the best part of blogging for me is the awesome friends I've "met" all over the globe. In fact, my goal is to someday go on a world tour and visit every one of you. And it wouldn't even cost that much since you would gladly put me up and feed me for free. I know this because I only allow people who would feed me for free to visit my blog. It's one of those lesser known filters that Blogger has.

So thank you everyone who has stopped by to share my view from St. Cloud over the last 4 years - and that's not just the 50 or so of you who comment on a regular basis. According to my Feedburner stats, there are over 180 people who read this blog via their feed readers. In fact, I think it would be awesome if those of you who have never commented before could poke your head up today and just say "hi," so I can "meet" you as well and thank you personally. :-)

And for those of you I do know, I'd recommend getting that spare bedroom ready... because I'm itchin to hit the road!

Shrinkage? We INVENTED shrinkage!

2009-10-16T22:00:00.004-05:00

Every now and then I'll wind up in a conversation with someone regarding the horrors of junior high school gym class. This chat will invariably lead to me saying,

"... and the worst part is, the boys all had to swim naked,"

to which the recipient of that comment will stare blankly at me in disbelief as if I had just told them I was really a convicted murderer but am pretty sure I'm through with that phase of my life now.

I find the response to my gym class confession both amusing and disturbing. Amusing, because of the way it stops people dead in their tracks, which causes me to imagine how their minds are trying to process the image of thirty 12 year old boys running around naked in the public school's pool center. And disturbing, because to date, I've never met anyone else (besides the kids who went to that school) who has ever said, "oh yeah, me too," which forces me to question the practice of that particular Phy-Ed policy in the first place.

The oddest thing about swimming nude at our junior high school was that we never questioned it, as if it was a right of passage included in the advancement from grade school. You're a man now. This is how the MEN swim! Men don't wear swimming suits.

My guess is, the whole decision to swim nude was nothing more than a cost-saving measure. No suits to buy, no laundry to do, no unauthorized swim wear screwing up the PH balance of the water. In retrospect I suppose they could have allowed us to bring our own suits, but again... no one seemed to question this arrangement at the time.

The only thing we really seem to care about was how damn cold it was. Not only was the pool water kept at a mere 70 degrees (freezing by recreational pool standards) but the entire pool facility itself was cold as well. Add to that the fact that the bench where we had to sit (on our naked butts) and listen to our coach lecture (for several minutes) was made of ceramic tile, and you have yourself a shivering herd of blue-lipped tweens.

Another area of, how shall I say... "interest" at this time was the issue of physical development. In our school district, junior high ran from 7th - 9th grade, or ages 12-15. Being as how this is also the age span at which young boys may or may not experience puberty, you don't have to stretch your imagination very far to realize that some boys looked different than others. In 7th grade it wasn't that big of a deal... we basically all looked like we were growing a small mushroom on barren ground. But by 9th grade, some of the more muscular jocks were already growing beards and sideburns... and had the shrubbery to match. This was especially evident with the aptly-named Peter, who after being held back, expelled and truant countless times, was 18 years old by the time he was finally able to leave 9th grade. Let's just say we never had to wonder who we wanted to grow up to be like.

So that's my story. Just one of many skinny, naked, freezing boys, dutifully doing their time every Tuesday and Thursday from 2:30 - 3:30 p.m., hoping some smart-ass didn't put tape over the latch on the door that opened to the hallway so someone could fling it open while we were in mid-march to the poolside, causing everyone to dive into the freezing water before every girl within 100 feet could run up and sneak a peak. No big deal. Literally.

But what I really want to know is... was my school the only one who had naked swimming for the boys? (the girls got to wear suits btw) Was this standard policy in the mid 70s or was our coach a little "different" than the rest?

I'd kinda like to know. Anyone?

I must be the luckiest guy on the planet

2009-10-14T09:51:00.010-05:00

I don't know why I keep busting my hump looking for a new job when it appears to be totally unnecessary.

Nearly every day I receive an email from someone, somewhere, who claims to have hundreds of thousands, even millions of dollars to give me just for the asking. Think I'm joking? Here's a snapshot of emails I've received over just the last 2 weeks.

I know what you're thinking. "Oh, that Jeff... he's so naive. There's no 'millions' waiting for him, the poor sap." But come on, they can't all be fake. I mean just take a look at a few of these...

Microword Corporations customer service people took the time themselves to tell me that, "Your email address won a cash award of Four hundred and eighty eight thousand six hundred and twenty euro (Ђ488,620.00) Contact Our Foreign Transfer Manager for claims." I hardly doubt they would have gone through all that trouble if it wasn't true.

Or how about the fact that the late Engr.Juriaan Kugger has left me $30 million in his will. You can't just make that kind of thing up. There's laws against that you know. It's even signed by a Barrister for pete's sake. (My condolences to the widow Kugger)

And this one FOR SURE has to be real. It's from Microsoft and says it is sponsored by Bill Gates himself!
"We are pleased to inform you of the release of the long awaited results of Sweepstakes promotion organized by Microsoft, in conjunction with the foundation for the promotion of software products, (F.P.S.) held this October 2009, in Spain. Where in your email address emerged as one of the online Winning emails in the 1st category and therefore attracted a cash award of 250,000.00 (Two Hundred and Fifty Thousand Euros) and a Dell laptop."
Plus, you know if they're including a Dell laptop it has to be legitimate. Dell is a highly respected company and would never be part of a scam.

But thank God my email spam protection is up to date and smart enough to provide me this helpful heads up. It says right on it, "Warning: This may not be from whom it claims to be. Beware of following any links in it or providing the sender with any personal information."

And because I have safeguards like this to tell me that this email is bogus, I can be confident that the other 13 notifications are real. I did some quick math and determined that if I reply to all of those, I will soon be rolling in it to the tune of over $67 million!

So don't feel sorry for me that I can't seem to find stable employment these days. After replying to all of these emails I'll be doing just fine. But I'll also be busy as well. It looks like I have at least 5 funerals to attend in Africa.

It's the least I can do after they so kindly included me in their wills.

No really, we LOVE the four dis-stink seasons

2009-10-12T10:05:00.003-05:00

If you live in Minnesota, you were fortunate enough to wake up to this today...

Yes, that's right... it's only October 12th.

In the comments from my post yesterday Kathy posed this imponderable:

I'll ask you this every year, so get used to it: Why again do you live in Minnesota?

To which I replied:

I'm pretty sure somebody comes by every spring and flashes us with one of those memory zappers from Men in Black so we can't remember the previous winter. It's the only explanation I can think of.

Anyone have a better answer?

How to have a bad morning

2009-10-10T14:08:00.000-05:00

1. Walk into the kitchen and notice there is water dripping from the ceiling. Remove the ceiling tile and find that the sheetrock is saturated and looks like it has been for some time. Break out the sheetrock and determine there is a leak in the plumbing from the bathroom upstairs.

2. While attempting to access the damage, grab a chair to stand on, step up onto it quickly and jam the top of your head into the open cupboard door above.

3. Take the garbage debris outside only to discover that your garden hose attachment froze and burst last night (yes, it snowed here this weekend) so your water has been flowing freely onto your lawn for an unknown number of hours.

Halloween Dance Party

2009-10-08T10:41:00.003-05:00

A few of my bloggy friends and I decided to have a little Halloween dance party. I wish I could have invited all of you but there was only room for 5 people in this castle... more accurately 5 people that didn't require me to spend more than 2 minutes hunting down their pictures.

So I hope you enjoy our little show - featuring (from l to r) Dan, Maureen, me, Diesel, and JD!

The only things I watch on my 9 1/2" TV

2009-10-06T08:41:00.000-05:00

Little House on the Prairie
The Little Mermaid
Little Miss Sunshine
(not) Little Nicky
Little Rascals
Little Shop of Horrors
anything starring Minnie Driver
anything featuring Mini-Me
any mini series
Pee-wee's Playhouse
Honey I Shrunk the Kids
It's a Small World
Smallville
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Tiny Toon Adventures

In this case size DOES matter

2009-10-04T10:12:00.000-05:00

Typical conversations while watching TV in our bedroom:

Me: What did that detective just find?

Charli: I can't tell.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

Me: Oh, I didn't know Andy Rooney was on Letterman tonight.

Charli: He's not, that's one of Jack Hanna's orangutans

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

Charli: What's that Russian guy saying?

Me: I don't know... I can't read the subtitles.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

Me: Wait, don't turn it yet, I want to see the credits to find out who that actor was.

Charli: Bwahahahaha! Good one!

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

Charli: Crap... they just showed the kidnapper's ransom note.

Me: I know, I didn't even bother.

These are the conversations of people who have been using a portable TV/VCR with a 9 1/2" screen (the kind you're supposed to use in your car) in their bedroom for the last 10 years.

what... it's only 11 feet away

I know, we're dumb for putting up with this blah blah blah, but we don't have any additional space in our bedroom for a larger one, and we do have a "normal" TV set just outside that door for watching shows in their proper resolution. But we're not big TV people in the first place so it's really not that important to us.

And besides, there is a plus side... we never have to see David Caruso's pasty white face up close!

This is the dawning of the age of aquariums

2009-10-02T21:06:00.002-05:00

After years of denying our children any kinds of pets that either shed, poop on the floor, chew things up or make noises - we seem to have ended up with fish by default. A lot of fish.

And along with gobs of fish comes an inordinate number of aquariums as well. Here's our current inventory...

Here's the one that started it all. This is Brandon's "small fish" 20 gal tank which sits on the edge of his desk in our home office. That big black blob on the front of the glass is a mutant snail.

After deciding he wanted larger fish, he scored this beautiful 55 gal show tank on Craig's List for mere peanuts. It sits in our dining room.

Then Rosie decided she wanted a tank for her room, so she bought a nice 20 gal tank to hold all her 2 goldfish.

Later, Brandon thought it would be cool to have a tank full of Crystal Red shrimp, so he set up this 10 gal tank in his bedroom.

Here's a couple of them up close.

And finally...

A few years back we installed a small garden pond in our backyard that became stocked with goldfish (not by design). It's actually a very tragic tale that started out with good enough intentions but ended up going horribly wrong.

Then this spring, 2 new goldfish ended up in the same ~~death trap~~ pond and have been enjoying their comfy home all summer. But last night the temperature dipped below 30 degrees for the first time and Charli and I just couldn't bear the guilt of murdering another innocent family. And so I give you the newest addition to our parade of aquariums - this 20 gal "wintering tank" that conveniently resides on our kitchen counter.

I know it's not as large and bountiful as their regular home, but these guys should be thankful. Becoming a fish-sicle is NOT a good alternative.

Financial freedom at last!

2009-09-30T19:46:00.000-05:00

I've always wondered what I've been missing by not featuring ads on my blog.

So, on September 1, when you weren't looking, I fired up Google AdSense and slipped it onto my sidebar just to see what would happen. Here's my net earnings after 30 days (in the lower right corner).

Heh... you know that job I've been trying to get? That's right, I can stop looking now because I'm headed for the easy life!

Ok, eventually. Apparently Google doesn't pay out until you've earned at least $100, so at this rate I won't see my first dividend for another 6.8 years. But you can bet I'll be making plans for that sweet sweet day. Oh yeah.

A PSA about PPA

2009-09-28T08:10:00.025-05:00

A public service announcement* for those who suffer from Public Performance Anxiety (PPA)

Have you ever been out in public and suddenly had the need to take care of business, only to have one look at your options and decide you have no other choice than to either "hold it" or go home to the privacy of your own accommodations?

That's right... I'm talking about using public restrooms.

Every day millions of people are making potentially unhealthy biological management decisions based solely on the fact that they are uncomfortable with the idea of pooping in public.

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, then you might suffer from Public Performance Anxiety as well:

If the place you're at does not have a "private" or "family" restroom do you simply choose not to go?
If there is someone else in the bathroom when you walk in do you turn around and leave?
If you're already in progress and someone else comes in the bathroom do you clamp it closed and sit silently until they leave?

If so, then you are not alone. A recent survey determined that 1 in 3 people will not poop in public. But that doesn't mean you have to simply give up and not put out. Here are three articles that will help you understand your fears, as well as give you answers as to how to flush them away for good.

(click buttons to read )

Why it's embarrassing to poop in public

What to do when being falsely accused of polluting public airspace

How to poop in public

So if you suffer from Public Performance Anxiety don't be embarrassed - you are not a freak. Millions of other people right now are struggling with the same thing. But the good news is, there is a new product on the market designed specifically for you:

For when you're too tense to toot

*Brought to you by People Overcoming Obstacles

On my mind

2009-09-26T13:57:00.000-05:00

Ooh... a blank blog post page! What possibilities!

That's what's going through my head right now as I open up this editor for a new post. I have no idea what I'm going to write about so I thought I'd just start typing and see what comes out.

I've seen some people do this and end up with some of their most brilliant work. And I've seen other people do this who should not have pressed the "publish" button. So I'll be watching for that. I suppose I should assume that if you're reading this, then I felt it was ~~good enough~~ something to publish.

So, what's on my mind today?

Well, let's see... Diesel wrote this hysterical post that placed Gregory House as a plumber instead of the doctor he plays on House. You really ought to check it out... it's very funny.

So, being the witty commenteer that I am, I wrote, "Most excellent. You're damn book better be this funny!" except that instead of writing "your" I accidentally wrote "you're" and now I can't take it back. I wouldn't care so much that I did that, except for the fact that Diesel has an actual feature called "Ask Diesel About Language Stuff" where he chastises people for doing things like that. Plus, the number one grammar complaint on the blogsphere revolves around people bitching about "your" -vs- "you're." I have no idea why I care about this at all, but sometimes it's the little things.

What else... Oh, I have the WORST ear bug I think I've ever suffered from and I'm this close to taking my cordless drill and boring a hole in my skull to let it out. Over the last few weeks I've been listening to one of the two remaining CDs in my car that still actually work. The other five look like they've been used to polish stones.

The album is We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things by Jason Mraz and the song is Love For A Child which is a beautiful Queen-esque ballad about a kid who was neglected as child. The lyrics are engaging and the melody is haunting - which is why I haven't been able to stop hearing it in my head over and over and over and over, day and night, for an entire week now. I no longer even like the song anymore and I absolutely refuse to play the CD for fear that I will hear the song again which will only strengthen the evil grip it already has on my brain.

So here... take it for yourself... please. Maybe that will get it off my mind.

Ok, that's enough. I've already violated the requisite "2-screen slide" rule that says if you have to pull the slider down more than 2 screens' worth to see how big a post is, you won't read it in the first place. But then again if you've made it this far you're probably not affected by that rule. Ooh, see that... I spelled "you're" the right way!

Heh. Sometimes it's the little things.

I double dare you to watch this one

2009-09-22T09:47:00.003-05:00

In my quest to find the most disgusting food substance on earth, I long ago discovered something known as head cheese. Here's a brief description:

Head cheese is in fact not a cheese, but meat pieces from the head of a calf or pig. It may also include meat from the feet, tongue and heart. It is usually eaten cold or at room temperature as a luncheon meat.

Historically meat jellies were made of the cleaned (all organs removed) head of the animal, which was simmered to produce stock. When cooled, the stock congeals because of the natural gelatin found in the skull.

Mmmm....

So just how grotesque is this stuff? Here, you be the judge.

Oh hell yeah! See those little pieces there of tongue, heart and uh... miscellaneous head parts? Yummy.

So why exactly am I torturing you with this imagery? Because I've never know anyone on the planet who was insane enough to touch this stuff with a 10-foot fork... until now that is.

One of my longtime blog buddies, Karl, has an annual tradition of performing dares on his birthday. A few months ago he asked his readers to submit crazy things for him to do during the weeks that followed his birthday and he would pick his 5 "favorite" ideas and videotape himself doing them for us.

Well, you guessed it... on a whim I tossed in my suggestion that he "eat a big chunk of head cheese" knowing full well he'd take one look at it, throw up in his mouth, and move on to the next suggestion.

But guess what!!! Karl did NOT wimp out! And YOU get to witness it for yourselves right here.

But I have to warn you... it's not for the faint of heart (or tongue or miscellaneous head parts). I was squirming in my seat the entire video and several times I had to peek through my fingers.

So happy birthday Karl. And thank you for manning up and living up to your word. You rock.

And thumbs up to your mother for videotaping this and being such a willing accomplice to this heinous gastrointestinal crime. Ya gotta love a mom who is willing to help her son take one for the team.

Le Lievre

2009-09-20T22:08:00.006-05:00

I love cartoons. In fact, when I read a newspaper, the first section I open is the comics. The same thing goes for magazines. I'm always looking for those little one-panel cartoon treasures that can be found hidden among the pages.

I even dabbled in some rudimentary toonage of my own early on in this blog, but gave it up after I realized it took a lot of time. Oh yeah, and talent too.

On the other hand, Glen Le Lievre is a legendary cartoonist whose work can be found in such magazines as The New Yorker, Time, Playboy and many more.

Here's one of my favorites of his from Mad Magazine...

But it was this one from this month's Reader's Digest that prompted me to write this post today. I chuckle every time I see it.

Go to his website here to see samples of his other work. I'm quite sure you'll recognize more of these than you'd think.

And I guarantee you won't leave without a chuckle of your own.