The safest target for humor is always yourself, and the best material reflects your personality.

So it’s time to start digging.

I have not had much success just sitting down and looking in my past for funny stuff. I have however, nearly always been able to come up with pertinent examples of past behavior when faced with a new humorous situation.

You can’t use what you don’t remember, so today start remembering.

Write it down.

It it’s funny, write it down.

If it strikes you as odd, write it down.

If it doesn’t make sense, write it down.

All of these notes become a foundation for future material. The idea that a major comic just riffs on their childhood is crazy. A good routine, with an absolutely natural delivery, that sounds like it’s the first time it came to mind, may take months to put together.

So start a journal, or notes on your iPhone, Blackberry, or computer. As you note present day events and thoughts, related thoughts will start to appear. Maybe not right away, maybe not for every item, and not all the time, but the thoughts will come.

So write them down.

We’ll cover what to do with all this stuff in a later post.

Meanwhile, comments are open, and if you want a unique speaker or MC for your next event… contact me! There are still good dates open for 2010. (2011 is still pretty much wide-open too. And 2012 may mark the end of the world, but I can still take your deposit.)

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• It’s A Wonderful Life – The Sequel (8)
• Why John McCain Reminds Me of Captain Kangaroo (3)
• There’s Gold in Them Thar Ills! (13)
• Tag I’m It (9)

Image via CrunchBase

All Binged! out.

It is almost impossible…

BING! Make the impossible posible with the all new…

to read…

BING! Read the new novel from…

a web page these days without…

Bing! No need to go without! Call…

a window…

BING! New windows and doors from…

popping…

BING! Try new InstaPop Popcorn it’s gooooood!

open.

BING! Open a new account now with…

Bing!…

BING! Search now with Bing!

Isn’t the only one, but unfortunately for Bing! is the most visible…

BING! Visible results in days not weeks!

Since when does being irritating…

BING! Stop skin irritations with Aloe Aloe Aloe

and obnoxious, qualify as good advertising?

BING! Advertise with Bing!

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Cover of 'American Gigolo'

If you immediately thought of the Giogio Moroder song popularized by Blondie on the soundtrack to American Gigolo… that was 29 years ago! You need to get out more.

I want to talk about voicemail.

And how bad messages drive me crazy.

The scenario goes like this:

Phone rings. I can’t answer in time, but I see on the Caller ID who called. I wonder… What did they want? and about that time the voicemail message comes through, “Ah ha!” I think, I can now find out what they want. So I push the playback button and hear that I have one new message, that if I want to playback the messages I need to push the same buttons I have been pushing for years. I hear that the message  came in at some o’clock on some date and finally I get to the message… “Dan this is (blank) Call me.”

Call you? Call you what? About what? How about a little detail?

Sometimes the caller will even tell you what time it is when they called, although this seems more to cover their butt than for any useful purpose, since their stated time is never even close to the time the message actually came in.

How hard is it to say “it’s about the fifty bucks,” or, “can we meet tomorrow at 9:00 am my office?” or, “I vote NO on the proposal.” or, “I saw your wife with Jimmy at the bar last night,” something, anything, other than “call me.” I even used to ask people to leave a detailed message, so they would say, “Call me, at home, after 5:00.” Not to mention how stupid you feel when you call and get their voicemail and your message has to be, “You said to call, so…” So what? What can we say?

And how long have answering machines and voicemail been around? Is there anyone on the planet that has trouble with this? But still, just about every cell carrier tacks instructions for how to leave a voicemail onto your greeting.

Recently David Pogue in the New York Times estimated: “I’m using, as an example, Verizon’s $60-a-month plan. You get 900 minutes for that, which comes out to 6.67 cents a minute.Verizon has 70 million customers. If each one leaves a message or checks voicemail twice a day, that’s 70 million * 6.67 cents * .5 (half a minute listening to two 15-second instruction recordings) * 365 days = $852,092,500. And that’s just Verizon!”

To be fair, ATT recently eliminated the phrase “To page this person please press 5 now.” If you have ever “paged this person” Let me know in comments.

I have to admit I tried it once.

The automatic paging text went out, with my phone number, (to the phone of the person who couldn’t, or wouldn’t, answer my call to begin with.)

I think the message said “Call me.”

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50,000 words, 30 days. This is nuts

Every year since 2005 I have been a proud participant of National Novel Writing Month, affectionately known as NaNoWriMo.

Every year since 2005 I have failed miserably.

But, as Winston Chruchill said, in my new favorite quote of all time, “Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.”

Every November a couple of hundred thousand people all meet on-line and start to write. The goal is 50,000 words. You can start at midnight on November 1st and you have to be finished by midnight November 30th. Piece of cake. If you average 1667 words a day, it’s a breeze. Additionally, donations are accepted and used to promote literacy and writing programs worldwide.

My best finish ever was something over 10,000 words…(a hilariously tender, coming of age, quasi-romance, slasher, cold war thriller, set in Dumas, TX) an epic I have not been able to force myself to read again.

But this year is going to be different.

This year, I am sticking with the plan and staying the course.

My heart is pure, my aim is true. And I am pleased, no, I am proud, to state that as of today, November 3…

I am all the way up to 104 words.

Pray for me.

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Blue Mask, Venezia by Gret@Lorenz

While checking out an MSNBC article about Latisse, the “eyelash enhancer.” that can grow hair in “unintended places” change the color of eyes and other great things. I found these sites:

Truthinaging.com and Realself.com which, I don’t know, seem like odd names for web sites that are concerned with body enhancement procedures, whether surgical, plastic or non-invasive.

Maybe it’s just me.

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