BOYCOTT THOSE WHO ABUSE THEM IN THE NAME OF ENTERTAINMENT !

Thank you for keeping in mind the suffering of those animals…

DBV / SPCA Upington

A study of over 1600 Miamians, aged 18 to 23, surveyed by The Journal of Health and Social Behavior (and translated out of academese by the New York Times), reported, “It appears that young men benefit more than women from support [that they get from their girlfriends], and that they are more harmed than women by strain in ongoing romantic relationships.”

The authors hypothesize this to be because young men get most of their emotional support and intimacy from their romantic partners, whereas women are more likely to confide in friends and family.

But what about us ladies? Surely we feel pain too. Well, yes, according to the study, we do suffer, but not over rocky relationships–our suffering comes when we’re not in one. Robin W. Simon, a sociology professor at Wake Forest University and one of the authors of the report conceded, “It’s a little bit pathetic . . . Even though there’s been so much social change in this area, women’s self-worth is still so much tied up with having a boyfriend. It’s unfortunate.”

Not only unfortunate, it’s depressing and so grotesquely clichéed. We’d rather be in a shitty relationship than none at all? Ouch. How Scary Sadshaw. Happily, the gender-specific misery disparity lessens with age, though it’s unclear whether this is because guys wise up and realize they need more friends than the woman they’re schtupping, or because women finally realize that being single is better than being with a jackass.

Daily Dategirl

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called … Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called … Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called … Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say … ‘F**k You.’

The 5th kind of sex is called … Religious Sex.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called … Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last … But not least ….

The 7th kind of sex is called … Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

She   was a  very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place   an ad in the newspaper for a ranch   hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would  be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired  hand, “You  have done a really good job, and the ranch  looks great. You  should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.

Two o’clock and no hired  hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for  him.

She quietly called him over to  her..

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she  said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my   boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. “Now take off my socks.”

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra..” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the  floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

“Volg my, seun” sê pappa haai vir sy seun en hulle swem tot by die skip.

“Eers  swem  ons  om  die mense in die water met net die puntjies van ons vinne wat wys”

En hulle doen dit.

“Knap gedaan, seun! Nou swem ons om hulle met ons hele vinne wat wys.”

En hulle doen dit.

“Nou eet ons almal.”

En hulle doen dit.

Toe  albei  dik  gevreet is, vra die seun, “Pa, hoekom het ons hulle almal nie sommer net van die begin af opgevreet nie? Hoekom moes ons al om hulle swem?”

Sy wyse pa antwoord, “Want hulle proe beter sonder die stront binne-in.”

A girl went to her friends house and she ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone.

She wasn’t afraid because it was a small COMMUNITY and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the bike trail

Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a shortcut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God’s protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.

She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him.

She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before.

When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her.

She asked if they would ask the man one question.

Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he answered, ‘Because she wasn’t alone.

She had two tall men walking on either side of her.

Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you’re not alone.

Giovanni tree op 31 Julie 2010 in Duineveld se Suidsaal, ter afsluiting van die Kalahari Bruidskou 2010.

Gedurende die vertoning sal van Upington se modeontwerpers hul beste werk wys.

Gaste word tussen 18:30 en 19:00 verwelkom met ‘n glasie sjerrie of port by aankoms.

Slegs 250 gaste sal hierdie geleentheid kan bywoon teen R70 per persoon

Kaartjies is te koop by Kodak Express, Pick a Pay Sentrum

Kontak ons gerus vir enige navrae.

Johanita of Ben
Linx Graphics

054 332 2280 / 082 890 8159

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you
can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate
how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on
the mirror.

There are teachers…. and then there are educators

BAKKIE (BUCKY): What Americans would term a “pick-up”. A two-seater light vehicle with an open rear cargo area. The rear is often used to transport an impossible number of workers who stare back at you in traffic and make you feel awkward and a bit guilty.

BERGIE: Term used for a type of homeless person in Cape Town. Originates from “berg”, which is the Afrikaans word for mountain, referring to the homeless people who used to live on Table Mountain but who now live mainly in the city. Pronounce the harsh “g” as if you’ve swallowed an insect and are trying to clear it from your throat.

BLIKSEM (BLUK-SEM): If you’re in a pub and you accidentally spill a beer belonging to a man with a thick neck, he may say: “Do you want me to bliksem you?” Don’t respond. Just run. Run for your life. It’s the Afrikaans word for hit or strike or punch.

BOET: Means “brother” in Afrikaans. An affectionate (though not too much) term for a friend. It’s like saying “dude” or “buddy”.

BROEKIES (BROOKIES): Panties or underwear. Usage: “I phuza’d with this girl last night and she came back to my hotel. When I woke up this morning, she was gone but she left her broekies behind.”

CAR GUARD: Found in most urban areas, a car guard’s office is the parking lot. He keeps an eye on your car while you’re at the match, in the mall or at the pub. You’re expected to tip him when you return to your car and it hasn’t been stolen or broken into. No. That’s a lie. You’ll be expected to tip him even if it has.

DAGGA: Again pronounced with a harsh “g”. Marijuana. Illegal, but admittedly very easy to get hold if you’re so inclined. Just ask your car guard.

DINGES (DING-US): An indeterminate, nondescript thing or term for an object whose name you’ve momentarily forgotten. Like this: “Please pass me my dinges there.” “What?” “My dinges. I want to blow it.” “You mean your vuvuzela?” “Yes, my vuvuzela.”

DOF: Stupid.

DOP: If someone says “Do you want to go for a dop?” always say yes. It means you’ll be going for a drink.

DORPIE (DOORPEE): Small town. But no matter how small, you’ll always find a KFC. And a pregnant 17 year old.

DOSS: Slang for “sleep”. Usage: “Is it cool if I doss at your place tonight?”

EINA (AY-NA): Expression of pain, as in “ouch”. Usage: “Ooh, looks like Rooney just shattered his pelvis. Eina!”

EISH (AYSH): Common term that denotes a wide range of emotions from joy and surprise to confusion and anger. When in doubt, use it.

EITA (AY-TA): Casual African greeting, like “Hey”. Actually, it’s the same as “Howzit”.

GATVOL: Literally means “hole fill” in Afrikaans. Means you’ve had enough of something that’s making you angry. Usage: “Boet, I’m gatvol of this ref’s bad decisions.” Again with the harsh “g”.

HUNDREDS: Normally repeated twice in a sentence as in “Hundreds, bru, hundreds.” It expresses either total agreement with what someone has just said, or confirmation that your life is all good (eg: “How are you?” “Ah, hundreds, man, hundreds”). Can also be used as a way of simply saying yes.

IS IT?: Actually pronounced “uzz ut”. It’s a casual way of saying “Oh really?”. Usage: “Dude, I saw Messi coming out of a ladies toilet yesterday.” “Uzz ut?”

JA-WELL-NO-FINE: Nobody really knows what this means, because it doesn’t really mean anything. But we like saying it.

JOL: Party. Can be used as either a noun or verb, as in “That was a lekker jol” or “I went jolling last night and ended up in Fabio Cannavaro’s hotel room. It was great. We set fire to it.”

JUST NOW: An indeterminate amount of time. If a waiter says “I’ll be with you just now”, it could mean anything from five minutes, to 10, to never.

KAK (KUK): Literally “shit”. Popular uses include “What a load of kak” and “Don’t talk kak”.

LADUMA: Celebratory exclamation when a goal is scored. For best effect, try to hold the “u” for as long as possible on one breath, so that the ”ma” comes out as a desperate choke.

Laduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.ma.

LANK: Beyond cool is lank cool. Also means a large amount of, as in ”There were lank vuvuzelas at the game last night.”

LEKKER (LAKKA): Great, awesome, amazing.

MAMPARA: Idiot.

MY CHINA: Or just “China”. An affectionate term similar to “boet”.

“Howzit China” is a standard South African greeting. Except when meeting an actual Chinese person. Then you probably shouldn’t say it.

MZANSI: Popular term for South Africa. Best describes our country’s gritty energy and loud African spirit.

NOOIT (NOYT): Expression of disbelief or disdain. As in “Aah, nooit!

There’s chewing gum on my seat!” or “When I saw that advert with Ronaldo striking a homoerotic pose in a pair of tight underpants, I just thought ’Nooit, bru!’”

NOW-NOW: Not to be confused with “Just now”. Now-now is a much smaller indeterminate amount of time. Hmm. Don’t worry – you’ll get it.

PHUZA (POO-ZA): A drinking session. “Phuza Thursday” is a noble tradition in South Africa. Try to uphold it while you’re here.

ROBOT: When you’re asking for directions and someone says: “Left at the third robot,” it is not because our streets are overrun with menacing cyborgs made by Japanese scientists. No. A robot is simply our word for traffic light.

SHARP-SHARP!: Okay. This is a complicated one. An expression of agreement. Or a greeting. Or a way of saying goodbye. Or a way of saying ”Okay, sure.” Or a way of … forget it.

SIFF: Gross, disgusting. “Check, that guy is picking his nose.” “Siff, boet.”

STOEP: A verandah or porch.

TEKKIE (TACKY): Common word for sneakers.

TSOTSI (TOT-SI): Not just the name of the Oscar-winning film made by local director Gavin Hood. Tsotsi is a township term for a young boy who’s already committing crimes like hijacking cars and stealing. Hopefully not from you.

UMLUNGU (OOM-LOONG-GU): African word for “white man”. For a laugh, if someone says “Eita, umlungu!” reply “Sharp-sharp!”

ZHOOSH: Very fancy. A word normally utilised by well-kept women with French manicures who will never, ever understand the off-side rule. Use the word if you must (it feels nice in the mouth), but aggressively avoid these women.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

I married my ‘Miss Right’.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90% …
it’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.