In the past several months I almost ran off with another man (but did not cheat on my wonderful boyfriend). This was the first time I ever felt tempted to actually leave him for someone else. Seriously tempted. In the end I felt so guilty about the whole thing that I told Aries everything. We worked through it and I am forever grateful for his forgiveness and not holding it over my head.

Despite the giant mess and almost leaving my boyfriend and the country I don’t regret the experience. I think it was a very important life lesson. The other guy was (and I’m sure still is) a wonderful person, one of the best people I’ve ever met, and I learned a lot from the entire situation. I like to think that we make very few mistakes in life – most uncomfortable or even disastrous-seeming situations teach us more than we can even imagine. I also learned that age really is just a number when it comes to attraction. I’ve been saying this for a while, but only when I experienced it first hand did I really gain the first hand experience that confirmed this belief.

Anyways, Aries and I worked through it. Since the incident we moved out together and are now renting a house. It’s been going well. We’ve had our bumps in the road that come with living together, but for the most part it’s been good.

But for some reason ever since “the incident” I mentioned above, I feel like I’m being more unsure about the relationship. I don’t regret staying and firmly believe that it was the right thing to do. But since I met someone who, for the first time, I was as attracted to as I am to Aries, it seems like some sort of line’s been crossed even though nothing physically happened between us. I went through a phase of considering breaking up, then suggesting an open relationship (this did not go over well), and just feeling a little constrained in general. I’m not even sure why an open relationship would matter to me so much or why I would want one. I’ve never felt the urge to sleep with some random guy or have a one night stand (by ‘never’ I mean not even while this is all happening). I think my views on relationships have been going through a big shift for the second time in my life and what I want isn’t to go out and have sex with a bunch of random guys, but knowing that I have the freedom to do so if I choose…even if I never end up choosing to do it.

Anyway, yes, this “big shift” in my perception of how relationships should work (or more like how we should stop trying to dictate how they work and imposing limit on ourselves) is the second time that my thoughts on relationships changed in such a big way. And both times it seems the flood gates have opened a little more. I originally had very solid, set rules for myself and for how I want my relationship to be. It seems like the rules are disappearing and I’m becoming more open to different possibilities and realising that relationships are fluid, not set in stone, and not something that can be constrained or limited or kept within a neat guidebook.

I’m not sure if this is some sort of phase that I’m just going through, something that will pass. It’s gotten better over the past couple of months – I’m happy with Aries again and I feel the draw of other options less. But it’s like the idea, the seed of my shift in outlook, is still there, nagging.

Do I want to get married to this person? Sometimes I think about it. It isn’t my ‘goal’ and it isn’t something I find myself dreaming about a lot. In fact, up until recently, even after over a year of dating at the time (2 and a half years now) I didn’t like the idea of looking to the future. I always thought that this would be impossible for me – not thinking about what would happen or should happen or if we’ll be together forever, but with Aries it wasn’t difficult. From the beginning he set the frame of uncertainty and zero expectations about our future, which as I found out was just fine by me. It wasn’t only his frame that allowed me to relax any expectations of the relationship. I started studying the seduction community and male/female interaction and why we do the things we do and feel the way we feel when I met Aries. My journey down the path of discovering myself lay parallel to our relationship. He wasn’t someone I pictured myself staying with for long, but here we are. And now that he is starting to mention the future, to talk about what could happen when he finishes uni or about buying property together, I am finding myself thinking about it as well. And it’s comfortable. It’s as though everything just fell into place.

Do I want to buy a house with this person? I would like to. Heck, I would love to. But, do I wonder who else is out there? The other men that I may not get the chance to meet? Yes, sometimes. I’ve only ever had two boyfriends. The first, Taurus, I dated for 9 months. He was the complete opposite of Aries in many ways. Less confrontational, less honest, and more. Now my second relationship is still going. I think everyone thinks about different situations sometimes, just like I do. When I imagine going out and meeting other men and when I get asked out by other men, I feel no temptation to stray from my current relationship. I feel no temptation to cheat or lie or hide things from Aries. So sure, I guess I think about the experiences I might have if I’m not with him, but I am not tempted by these thoughts. I am analyzing different paths, like I’ve been doing over these 2 1/2 years of discovering myself while studying the community and people in general.

Would I survive if Aries and I broke up? I know I would, there’s no doubt in my mind. I am more strong and more confident than I was before I met him, largely due to what I’ve learned on my own as well as the person he’s helped me to become. I know what I want and I know that I can get it. I would be upset, but I would not regret our relationship and I know I’d move forward.

Whereas over three years ago now, when I was with my boyfriend at the time I was very insecure (as I realize now) and could not help but think of the things that could go wrong, of when it would end, of how it seemed too perfect, now I don’t think about the end. And I don’t dwell on possible futures. I think about where we might end up sometimes, maybe buying a house, maybe getting married (but no kids, never, ever kids), sure, but not obsessively and not every day. I’ve thought about it more lately because his frame of mind seems to be shifting - he is mentioning things that could happen, will happen, things that he would never have considered or spoken about before.  I think some of this is due to trust that I won’t take it and run with it or take discussion of possibilities as some sort of expectation or promise. He’s learned that I’m happy going with it, thinking about what could happen, but never expecting it to happen or wanting it to take a certain path that I’ve somehow dreamed up. We were never meant to last this long, according to everyone I know – both my friends and his. They expected it to be a fling, a couple of month at the most. Heck, his longest relationship before me was two weeks. But I don’t think about the future with expectations or any sort of dread or worry. When I think about what could happen, it’s more like I’m analyzing possibilities, just like I mentioned before. Over these two and a half years I have found it very easy and natural to not focus on the future, but stay in the moment and to enjoy the moment.

So when people ask me what I want or where I expect to end up in my relationship, I can’t answer them. I like Aries a lot. He is one of the most important, influential people in my life right now and I certainly want to stay with him for as long as we are both happy (which is hopefully a very long time). But do I have any concrete expectations of the relationship? Or any exact dreams or paths I want the relationship to take? Not really - I want to take it as it comes.

And continuing on the talk of flirting – if I pay attention, I notice myself purposefully stifling any IOIs I might send out. So it’s as though I’m trying not to flirt even as I’m flirting. I don’t flick my hair or brush it out of my eyes. I don’t cross my legs. I don’t hint at being interested at the guy in any way that I can think of and notice. All I do do is smile and have a comfortable conversation.

I think that perhaps what seems like flirting to me isn’t flirting at all. Perhaps it only seems like flirting and elicits the type of response that flirting would from the guy is that I can usually relate to a lot of male interests. I can carry on an in-depth conversation about anything from video games to PCs to gadgets to graphic and web design to PHP and other web coding languages. And I usually do so with great enthusiasm because these are topics that I am passionate about.

So is it really flirting or is it passion about the topic of conversation that elicits the type of reponse that it does in men? Is it our common interests that make them get that spark in their eyes and eventually – if I’m not careful – gets me an offer for coffee or lunch? Perhaps, if this is true, the three main factors that get a guy interested in me are:

1) Smile and friendly, relaxed demeanor
2) Appearance
3) Passion and knowledge of similar interests

I’d love to have some input from both men and women on this. And if this is really what attracts men, can the above three points play as large a factor for men when trying to attract women?

I wonder what my problem is – with orgasms and all. Am I not feeling emotionally secure? Am I just in a bad habit? Did I get so used to not orgasming without my own help that now truly believing that I can’t is actually making me unable to? I would really love to fix this somehow.

I am feeling very accomplished right now because I got the job done all by myself in about 5-10 minutes. Aries didn’t do anything, he was just laying there, being tired from manual labor all day (I love a guy who can hammer a nail ;) :P). I got lots of complimentary cuddles after and now I can’t wait to do it again!

This week it’s stealing. I stole a lip balm from a shop yesterday :(. It was horrible. Not just because I stole, but because I didn’t feel bad until the time I started thinking about writing this post. And because I know I’ll do it again. Sometimes I steal little things from stores, the chemist, etc. And the sad thing is that I don’t feel bad. It’s never even crossed my mind to steal something from someone I actually know. Logically and emotionally I just find that completely inappropriate. But for some reason this same moral string does not extend to stealing from stores.

One time I saw a man drop his wallet on his way out of a shop. I picked it up and ran after him to give the wallet back. If I hadn’t, if I had kept the wallet or even just ignored it, I would have felt awful. Maybe it’s because the whole thing just becomes more personal when you see the owner. But if I were to, say, find a wallet on a park bench I would probably end up keeping it. Maybe it’s the same with stealing little things from shops in my mind – I can’t see who actually owns the item, so it just doesn’t register as something I shouldn’t be doing. Even though logically I know I shouldn’t be doing it.

My friend and I were in a store one day that had a bunch of little makeup sponges in a huge bin for $5 each. We browsed the store a bit and I think bought a couple of lip glosses or something. The lady checked our bags and everything. When we were outside we both sheepishly looked at each other.

My friend said: “I have to tell you something.”

I said: “I have to tell you something, too.”

Her: “I stole a sponge”

Me: “Me too!”

I think this was the point when it really started. I swiped a sponge and found out that my friend, who was the biggest goody-goody around who never did anything wrong did it as well!

Mind you, I don’t steal often. In fact, it’s a pretty rare occurence. I just wish I felt a bit more bad about it. Bad enough not to do it. I’ve never felt the urge to move onto “greener pastures” and steal bigger, more expensive things, it’s always tiny things like sponges or lip balms. But that doesn’t make it OK.