TwistedWits.com

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-08

admin — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:00:00 +0000

If you set fire to LMFAO they'll become ROTFLMAO. #
RT @Failtext: I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back. #
Lol http://t.co/whnMag1e #
Genies #Fun #Humor #Humour http://t.co/kqzvqLhr #
Mullet Approved, Awesome !!! http://t.co/wCwn6wuj #
Not recommended by the fire departments for home use! http://t.co/khdBXf2E #
You In ??? http://t.co/GlvSTduV #
LMFAO http://t.co/d7tvN14w #
http://t.co/6Psj0G7I #
RT @EpicTweets_: I'm not a morning person, Do not pull the covers off me, I will kill you. #
RT @NathansReality: The problem with reality is a lack of background music. #
RT @Laughbook: Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday? #
RT @EpicTweets_: Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyones bathroom looks like 1 mirror at a time. #
RT @NathansReality: If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass! #
RT @NathansReality: A whore is like a bowling ball. She gets picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more. #
RT @EpicTweets_: I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken. #
RT @NathansReality: Ghetto wet floor sign – Caution, Bitches be trippin. #
RT @JordyHamrick: How many beers do I have to drink to get girls to notice me #
RT @Failtext: I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. #
RT @NathansReality: How do you handcuff a one-armed man? #
RT @TABS1969: Once I care about you, you are so fucking screwed. #
RT @C0NFESSI0NS_: Even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. #
RT @idillionaire: When shit goes down and sides are taken, you find out who was real and who was fakin. #
RT @funnyoneliners: Some of us are wired differently, I think you should sue the contractor.
RT @pummelopeel #
RT @NathansReality: 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash-Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash. #
RT @funnyoneliners: The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
RT @calluptome #
RT @SarcasticRylie: I have trust issues, and I'm pretty sure my bathroom scale is a fucking liar. #
RT @NathansReality: Remember kids, it's only illegal if you get caught. (: #
RT @EpicTweets_: Remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up? …WOW, what the heck were we thinking? #
Maybe turtles move slow because they're depressed they can't hug. #
RT @NathansReality: Enough with the procrastination, it’s time for excuses. #
Wonders if anyone who has ever worked in an office with Chuck Norris regrets asking him for his three hole punch? #
RT @GreenLikeCash: I'm really good at multitasking as long as I don't have to do anything else at the same time. #
Family member calls me at 3am……. U Sleeping ??? Uh No, I'm friggin' scuba diving !!! WTF ….. #
RT @ItsLifeNotes: A friend is someone who believes in you, even when you’ve stopped believing in yourself. #
RT @NathansReality: My penis is so polite, it stands up so girls have a place to sit down. #
RT @NathansReality: You know you're telling a good story when random people start wandering closer to listen. #
RT @Laughbook: Google must be a woman, it knows everything. #
RT @joshcomers: I'm never more invested in whatever's on a TV than when I'm alone at a bar. #
RT @NathansReality: Cool story bro, wanna hear mine? Once upon a time I didn’t give a fuck. The end. #
RT @technopriest5: I don't need a groundhog to tell me I'm not getting any pussy for the next 6 weeks! #
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. #
Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-01

admin — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @RealChuckie: Stop acting like you're perfect, all bitches got glitches. #
RT @Rene: People who say anything is possible OBVIOUSLY never tried to slam a revolving door… #
RT @Laughbook: I hate it when I am singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong. #
RT @Laughbook: Animal crackers just don't taste right if you don't start by biting their heads off first. #
RT @NathansReality: Kids in high school, save your liver now, you're gonna need it in college. #
RT @NathansReality: If it doesn't kill you, you'll learn from it. If it does kill you, I'll learn from it. #
RT @donni: Warm weather in January is like a blowjob from your ex: Awesome and terrifying at the same time. #
RT @WendyLiebman: I don't think Tilapia was even a fish before 2008. #
RT @ItsLifeNotes: Friendship isn't about who came first & who you've known the longest. It's about who came and never left you. #
RT @idillionaire: There's always one song…that fits the situation a little too perfectly. #
RT @KlassyFucker: If opinions are like assholes then can I fuck you in your opinion? #
RT @iNusku: It's a good thing I believe in myself, nobody else does. #
RT @NathansReality: Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. #
RT @NathansReality: I'mma be. I'mma be. I'mma be. I'mma be. I'mma be. LOL JK I'mma wasp #
RT @NathansReality: Don't you hate when you step in gum? You always look like a guy with a prosthetic leg trying to do the moonwalk.. #
RT @NathansReality: What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches. #
RT @Failtext: That was funny. But I don't like you…so I'm not going to laugh. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Dear inventor of tampons, How awkward was it for you to explain your invention to everyone? #
RT @donni: I'm thinking of a number. Psychics, please call that number to prove your psychic ability. #
RT @DrTwittenheimer: Don't speed-walk with scissors, either. That just looks goofy. #
RT @Failtext: I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. That solves that problem. #
RT @idillionaire: Stop making excuses for people! When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to paint a new picture. #
RT @MDHOY: You can't expect stupid people to do smart things. #
RT @NathansReality: One man's "Ewwwww" is another man's "I'd hit that". #
RT @NathansReality: This is who I am, nobody said you had to like it. #
RT @NathansReality: Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they are talking? #
RT @RealChuckie: Having a computer with no internet connection is like having a girlfriend with no vagina. #
RT @AlbertBrooks: I just hit "I'm feeling lucky" on google and I got a blow job. #
RT @comedybot: What happens if you get scared half to death twice? -Steven Wright ☺ #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they mess up I will just hit them all at once.
#
RT @FreddyAmazin: On my tombstone I want it to say " I didnt forward the text message to 15 friends" ) #
RT @technopriest5: For 20 years my wife has served nothing but leftovers… The original meal has never been found. #
RT @PaulyPeligroso: Burger King's free WiFi tastes better. #
RT @GiggleFlower: Indecision may or may not be my problem. #
RT @BestAt: RT @ConfusedLush: Show me on the time line where he touched you. #
RT @YouPorn: Soft Pussy, Warm Pussy, Little strip of Fur. Happy Pussy, Wet Pussy, Purr Purr Purr. #
RT @donni: I smell sex and candy. Gotta stop masturbating with candy. #
RT @MrBrownEye2: I don't believe in stupidstitions. #
RT @funnyoneliners: I'm convinced that one day we'll look back on this and deny everything.
RT @juicymorsel #
RT @NathansReality: Some girls wear just enough make-up, other girl's faces look like they were gang-banged by a box of crayons. #
RT @beingtheo: If there's one thing I always do, it's exactly what I say I'm never going to do. #
RT @MarkReiley: Today’s inability to focus on anything besides sex is brought to you by my penis. #
RT @EpicTweets_: If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Seeing a car in the middle of the mall and thinking “How the heck did they get that in here?” #
RT @FreddyAmazin: You're beautiful! until your Photoshop 30 day trial expires….. #
RT @NikiWithIssues: I'm gonna make a difference in someone's life today by sleeping with their husband. #
RT @BestAt: RT @TheBlessMess: Today's indifference is brought to you by my freshly filled prescriptions. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-25

admin — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @Laughbook: Tom, it's been thirty years man..you're never going to eat Jerry… #
RT @BestAt: RT @thesulk: I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me. #
RT @clarkekant: The only way boobs could be any better is if they could shoot laser beams and dispense coffee. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: When I die I want my tombstone to say… “BRB”
^__^ #
RT @funnyoneliners: The nice thing about living in a small town is if I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. #
RT @clarkekant: When I die, I hope my brain doesn't play back all the conversations I've had with myself. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I'm good at multitasking. I can drop my phone, spill my coffee, wreck the car and yell, "OH DAMN" at the same time #
RT @JerryThomas: Most days I'd rather be sitting under a bridge and pestering billy goats. #
RT @Failtext: Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. #
RT @NathansReality: When someone tells you it's impossible for you to do something, prove them wrong. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-18

admin — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @NikiWithIssues: My fingers are always in the mood to masturbate, even when I'm not. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. #
RT @BestAt: RT @yoyoha: Dear Women,
We don't say this enough, but thank you. For not killing us in our sleep.

Love, Men #
RT @EpicTweets_: Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital. #
RT @MrFornicator: I saw a sign that said "Hiring for every position"… so I went in and applied for doggy style. #
RT @EpicTweets_: I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert. #
RT @Failtext: I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. #
RT @GiggleFlower: Love comes in spurts. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire. #
RT @Laughbook: Dont think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey #
RT @picturecool: I buy these so I can keep them in the pantry for 5 months then throw them away. #photo http://t.co/kXFJwSJp #
RT @Laughbook: Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. #
RT @Laughbook: Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues. #
RT @Laughbook: I put LOL, LMAO, LMFAO. But I sit there with a straight face. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Not trying to be rude, but your d*ck gets less action then a white crayon. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I miss the days when you could push someone in a pool without having to worry about their iPhone!.. #
RT @NathansReality: Shrink: what swimming suits do when they’re stored for the winter. #
RT @Failtext: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels! #
RT @HerPersonalSun: When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot……………………but I always found them! #
RT @NathansReality: no matter how fast you run Micheal Myers WILL walk faster #
No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone….you answer it. #
RT @autocorrects: your so fat you sat on an ipod and made it an ipad. #
RT @autocorrects: I'd rather carry 10 grocery bags in each hand than make two trips #
RT @autocorrects: Good girls are bad girls that NEVER GET CAUGHT. #
RT @autocorrects: When I was a kid I……..no wait, I still do that. #
RT @autocorrects: I grew up in the era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games. #
RT @autocorrects: Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing. #
RT @autocorrects: Dear Milk, you make me wet. Sincerely Cereal. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Today, I saw 2 twins. One had a shirt that said "Copy" &; the other one had a shirt that said "Paste". #
RT @NathansReality: I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…I probably don't need a receipt. #
RT @NathansReality: Yeah, I cry after sex…pepper spray will do that to you. #
RT @Failtext: Whenever someone asks, "you look familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Well do you watch porn…?" #
RT @NathansReality: I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationship with fun & freedom. #
RT @BestAt: RT @robfee: LSU and the Saints lose?? This has got to be the worst week EVER for Louisiana! Or…maybe second worst? #
RT @TheNightGallery: "Oh, I don't need you. I've got friends of my own. Upstairs. In the attic." #GalleryQuotes #
RT @DrTwittenheimer: I'm so awesome, my dreams follow me. #
RT @SarcasticRylie: As if there wasn't enough stacked against me ever finding a boyfriend, I discovered dandruff this morning. #
RT @Lifeinsandbox: The obituaries section in the newspaper would be more interesting if they told you how the person died. #
RT @NathansReality: Dear Dora, You're bilingual at age 4, and you seriously can't see the orange tree?! Sincerely, It's right there! #
RT @comedyortruth: There are plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod. #
RT @NathansReality: Oh, you're cooler than me? Then I guess that makes me hotter than you. #
RT @comedybot: If God dropped acid, would he see people? -George Carlin ☺ #
RT @EpicTweets_: Sending a risky text & thinking "oh god, they hate me," if they don't respond within 30 seconds. #
RT @comedyortruth: Drugs & alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asked me- "What are you doing this weekend?" #
RT @SamGrittner: Pretty much my only concerns in life are not getting hit by oncoming traffic or getting my iPhone wet. #
RT @comedyortruth: I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure. #
RT @comedyortruth: Does Dora's mother ever wonder where her 6 year old is & why her only friends are animals? #
RT @YouPorn: An Orgasm, like a Heart Attack, is an intense series of involuntary muscle contractions commonly followed by a long, deep sleep #
RT @FreddyAmazin: That confusing moment When you wake up from a nap and you don't know what day it is. #
RT @Laughbook: Cool story bro! Put it in the History books with all the other boring shit I don't care about. #
RT @NathansReality: just sent a text message to a random number saying "Im Pregnant" #
RT @donni: I assume "making love out of nothing at all" means masturbation. #
RT @Laughbook: are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today. #
RT @NathansReality: Why do we have to be quiet during a fire drill? Will the fire hear us? #
RT @Laughbook: I`m not lazy, I`m on energy saving mode. #
RT @Laughbook: I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem. #
RT @NathansReality: The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have. #
RT @NathansReality: Want to know if the girl you like likes you back? Watch her reaction when you tell her that you'd bang her best friend. #
RT @Failtext: I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it…so I said "Implants?" #
RT @funnyhumour: My mates bet me a hundred quid I wouldn't take five Viagra tabs at once. I thought, ''How hard can it be?'' #
RT @idillionaire: When shit goes down and sides are taken, you find out who was real and who was fakin'. #
RT @clarkekant: I've been lying on this couch so long, my living room may as well be called my dying room. #
RT @Failtext: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. #
RT @Failtext: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it? #
RT @Failtext: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. #
RT @Failtext: Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. #
RT @Failtext: After the game,
the king and the pawn go into the same box. #
RT @Failtext: Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. #
RT @clarkekant: Don't try to tell me you believe in God, but you're not superstitious. #
RT @RealChuckie: The awkward moment when, someones yelling at you and your just sitting there, laughing #
RT @Kyle_Lippert: You haven't done the job right unless she leaves a snail trail on the ground from the bed to the bathroom. #
RT @NathansReality: looking for a Hontas on facebook because it would be pretty cool to
POKE A HONTAS #
RT @JordyHamrick: The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch. #
RT @Laughbook: Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-11

admin — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @NathansReality: Treat me like a joke and I'll leave you like its funny #
RT @FreddyAmazin: 1. open the fridge, nothing to eat 2. open the pantry, nothing to eat 3. lower your standards and repeat #
RT @JerryThomas: Love thy neighbor as thyself. But bring lots of hand sanitizer. #
RT @NathansReality: A real man doesn't wait until he's about to lose something before he finally realizes what he has. #
RT @lordstewie: "Bro can I use your phone to call my girlfriend?" "Yeah sure, just hit redial." #
RT @Laughbook: Facebook: Saving me money on Birthday cards for 5 years. #
RT @NathansReality: How does Justin Beiber remove a condom? He farts. #
RT @EpicTweets_: You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation. #
RT @Laughbook: I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at school. #
RT @Laughbook: Wherever you feel worthless, REMEMBER, You're the winner. You were once the quickest sperm cell. #
RT @clarkekant: I am ON FIRE tonight! No, seriously, I really am…what is it? Stop, drop and flop? #
RT @Failtext: Life is like riding a bicycle. You don’t fall off unless you stop pedaling. #
RT @BestAt: RT @sbellelauren: the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing #
RT @Failtext: Shallow minds drown in deep thought. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: best friends: they know how stupid you are and still choose to be seen with you in public #
RT @Failtext: I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not. #
RT @NathansReality: No shave November = Clogged Drains December #
RT @comedybot: I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. -Rodney Dangerfield ☺ #
RT @comedyortruth: Sorry about those text messages last night. My phone was drunk.. #
RT @SlappNuttz: If heterosexuals are called straight and homosexuals are called gay, shouldn't bisexuals be called strays? #
RT @girlposts: Yawning is your bodys way of saying: "10% battery remaining" #
RT @Laughbook: Once I put on my headphones, my life becomes a music video. #
RT @DarkSideIntern: I seldom fart, but when I do, it smells like pickled eggs and Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends. #
RT @idillionaire: Some people's laugh is funnier than the joke. #
RT @NathansReality: I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks… As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there. #
RT @NathansReality: The brave might not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. #
RT @idillionaire: Everyone knows someone that just doesn't have a clue. #
RT @funnyorfact: I have a theory that the world will end in 5105, and we've been reading the Mayan calendar upside down… #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-04

admin — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @BorowitzReport: POLL: Given Choice Between Romney and Santorum, Most Americans Choose Suicide #iacaucus #
RT @FreddyAmazin: It's so funny how the people that know the least about you, are the ones that have the most to say. #
RT @BorowitzReport: Rick Perry will finish number 5, which is three numbers higher than he can count. #iacaucus #
RT @NathansReality: Your friends are like the buttons on an elevator. They will either take you up or they will take you down. #
RT @Laughbook: Nice makeup, did you headbutt a chalk board? #
RT @HerPersonalSun: My New Year's resolution is to make better bad decisions. #
RT @NathansReality: Don't expect someone who gets around, to stick around. #
RT @rodney_at_large: Hey Canada, can we get on top for a while? #
RT @idillionaire: Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work. #
RT @HerPersonalSun: Would you like to have your period through your mouth? #
RT @comedyortruth: I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and funny as hell #
RT @WordsOfaHooker: Just ripped my stress ball in half. #
RT @HerPersonalSun: Sometimes I wish I was a schizophrenic so I won't die alone. #
RT @MarkReiley: If you keep your friends close but your enemies closer, you are more likely to accidentally impregnate your enemies. #
RT @friedmanjon: Refrigerators are a scam to sell more magnets. #
RT @JordyHamrick: Almost positive that my dog's incessant need for handshakes stems from a deep-rooted desire to run for Mayor. #
RT @AYYSIAN: If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. #
RT @AYYSIAN: Dear circle, Do you ever wake up in the morning and realize your life is pointless? Sincerely, square. #
RT @AYYSIAN: l bet the "YMCA" dance is harder to do in chinese. #
RT @AYYSIAN: "Was it a cat I saw" is the same backwards. Mind = Blown. #
RT @SarcasticRylie: Gonna start calling my bedroom 'The Situation Room' to make it more appealing to powerful men. #
RT @RealChuckie: Wife: Why are you home so early? .. Husband: My boss told me to go to hell. #
RT @funnyoneliners: My life coach told me I'd have to get one before he could coach me on it. #
Pretty sure my attitude is because I haven't had sex since last year !!! #
RT @comedyortruth: A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." #
RT @FreddyAmazin: If… Billy Mays was still alive, he'd want to party like its $19.99 #
RT @Laughbook: we all have, that one creepy neighbor that never comes out of their house. #
RT @NathansReality: if abortion is murder..does that make condoms kidnapping? #
RT @comedyortruth: Worrying is so dumb. It's like carrying an umbrella waiting for it to rain. #
RT @Laughbook: Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it… #
RT @NathansReality: i saw a baby; wearing a shirt saying; "Santa doesn't exist, but that's okay, cause I can't read." #
RT @Laughbook: That fail moment when you pull your blankets up & punch yourself in the face. #
RT @NathansReality: Girl: Shut up, I wear heels bigger than your dick.
Boy: So , i wear Jordans cleaner than your pussy. #
RT @NathansReality: Life sucks. Do what makes you happy today, then tomorrow might suck less. #
RT @funnyorfact: What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.. #
RT @NathansReality: If pinochio said, "My nose will grow right now." What would happen?
Think about it.
Mind=Blown #
RT @NathansReality: Poking holes in your parents condoms so there's someone else to do the dishes #
RT @Smethanie: I think every adult should drink alcohol out of a sippy cup at least once in their lifetime. #
RT @FreeDriftwood: If cleaning a dirty toilet with my pee stream means I want world peace, then yes, I guess I want world peace. #
RT @EpicTweets_: "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you climbed up a tree and said "OH GOD! Look how big this piece of broccoli is!" #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Your shirt may say princess but your face says troll. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
#
RT @EpicTweets_: Cashier: "Is that everything?" … "Uhh, no, I'd also like all this invisible sh*t" #
RT @NathansReality: dear internet; please stop with the ads that start talking on their own. sincerely, i just had a heart attack. #
RT @AYYSIAN: You're annoying me. Go play in traffic. #
RT @rodney_at_large: Don't forget to set your clocks up 1 year tomorrow. #
RT @NathansReality: The sound of people eating irritates the shit out of me. So I moved to Africa #
RT @DamnItsTrue: Admit it, you've lied to get out of hanging out with someone. #
RT @Laughbook: I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA… #
RT @NathansReality: A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " i said " i don't know" she said "omg! nobody does!" #
RT @NathansReality: I'm so clever that sometimes even I can't figure out what i'm doing.. #
RT @NathansReality: Everybody rubs her tummy and says 'congrats', but nobody rubs my balls and says 'good job'.. #
RT @DamnItsTrue: Smart people have plans, BUT stupid people have stories. #
RT @girlposts: I don't hate people, I just feel better when some of them aren't around. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: If couples who are in love are called love bird, then couples who argue should be called angry birds. #
RT @comedyortruth: I flip my pillow to get to the cool side. Only me? #
RT @Laughbook: I'm not clumsy It's just the floor hates me; the tables and chairs are bullies; & the wall just gets in the way #
RT @NathansReality: theres some people I'm so close to that When I get a text from them, I can hear their voice reading it to me. #
RT @Laughbook: *Low battery* *Low battery* *Low battery* Well apparently you have enough battery to remind me every 2 seconds. #
RT @nealbrennan: Shots are the turbo button for drunk. #
RT @NathansReality: What if one day you randomly wake up as a baby and realize that your whole life was a dream.
. #
RT @Smethanie: If men had a vagina for a day, they would never leave the room they were in when they discovered they had a vagina for a day. #
RT @BestAt: RT @Paxochka: If you have boobs and pay for your own drugs or alcohol, you don't have nice boobs. #
RT @NathansReality: Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest just want to have something to gossip about. #
RT @comedyortruth: I think Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little too seriously. #
RT @technopriest5: Is Carpal Tunnel syndrome brought on by masturbation covered by workman's comp if the injury occurred at work? #
RT @NathansReality: If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: BREAKING NEWS: Dora suffers from a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.. #
RT @NathansReality: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time #
RT @matttuff: Grandma's having another one of her seizures in case any of you need some paint cans mixed. #
RT @goonumbertwo: If there isn't already a grain delivery business called "Haulin' Oats," there fucking needs to be. #
RT @NathansReality: When life gives you lemons, Make a Milkshake They'll never see it coming. #
RT @comedyortruth: FRIENDS- Buy you food. BESTFRIENDS- Eat your food. #
RT @krazymama3: I need to go to Target. I am going to take a baby doll and a blanket and pretend I am breast feeding while I shop. #
RT @funnyoneliners: Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I'm not positive I am thinking. #
RT @NathansReality: Have you ever changed a whole text message just because you didn't know how to spell one word #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I've come to realize that if a Facebook profile picture has two people in it,.. It always belongs to the uglier one. #
RT @NathansReality: I end all my texts with
<3
because my ball sack always wears a party hat. #
RT @NathansReality: Music teacher: What is your favourite musical instrument? Fat kid: The lunch bell. #
RT @NathansReality: Excuse me while I sneeze, sorry but I'm allergic to bullshit. #
RT @NathansReality: Today, the whole world came crashing down on me. So I got some tape and stuck the map back onto the wall. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Charging your phone for 5 minutes before you leave, because you think it will make a difference. #
RT @NathansReality: How are u feeling 2day? like a tampon… In a good place. At the wrong time. #
RT @NathansReality: Me: If you were on a bus full of gay guys would you get off?
Friend: Yeah. wait… no…. sh*t #
RT @SpacemanQuisp: I'm pretty sure the first person to mix potatoes and mayo in a bowl and call it a "salad" was a guy. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-28

admin — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 21:00:00 +0000

RT @michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol. #
RT @EpicTweets_: When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think. #
RT @NoSpankYou: When the choice is either guilt or regret, go with guilt… #
RT @Joshinator: This person called me a liar earlier, but my pants weren't even on fire, so it shows how much they know. #
RT @nesayeas: The best place to hide a body is on page 2 of google's search results. #
RT @Joshinator: I'll gladly pay you tomorrow, for a blowjob today. #
RT @BestAt: RT @tamytoo2: My boyfriend thinks my husband is too "clingy" #
RT @zombot: I can't bend spoons with my mind, but I can cut a floating wad of toilet paper in half with my pee. #
RT @technopriest5: I passed 'rock bottom' 3 layers ago. #
RT @SlappNuttz: I tried to use "dick" as my computer password, but my computer said that my password was too small. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Just because a person smiles all the time, doesn't mean their life is perfect. #
RT @BorowitzReport: You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get the time spent with your relatives back. #
RT @SocialBuzz: Still more than a year away and all the stores have their Christmas stuff up already. Unbelievable. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Rumors? Impressive bitch. At least you're spreading something else besides your legs. #
RT @SlappNuttz: My favorite sex position is the one where I don't get sprayed with mace. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: i look back on some of the stupidest stuff we've done and think, this is why we're best friends. #
RT @MrFornicator: Thanks for wiping down my table… a damp surface that smells like a dirty sweat sock is so much better than a few crumbs. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: It's Impossible to Read my mind. Because sometimes, I don't even know what's going on in there…♥ #
RT @iSlapUrSwag: Relationships are like farts.You shouldnt force one that's not there,or the end result could be shitty. #
RT @RealChuckie: Getting shampoo in your eye and accepting the fact you'll be blind forever. #
RT @BestAt: RT @donni: The scariest part of Space Camp is space bears. #
RT @EpicTweets_: I hate that feeling you get when you have an insanely good comeback… but its way after the argument. #
RT @comedyortruth: That awkward moment when you're telling the truth but you're laughing so everyone thinks you're lying. #
RT @matttuff: I'm pretty much a god at snatching flies up in midair with a vacuum cleaner.
I'm the futuristic Mr. Miyagi. #
RT @EllieM72: Yes, I did it. No, I'm not sorry. And yes, I'm already plotting out the next time I'll do it. #
RT @BorowitzReport: Other countries care for their mentally ill. It seems cruel to just let them wander around Iowa. #
RT @comedyortruth: "You're like a coin." "Awh, valuable?" "No, two-faced." #
RT @Laughbook: Checking your phone to see what time it is and checking it again because the first time you weren't paying attention. #
RT @EpicTweets_: "Low Battery, connect charger!" Um, you're a smart phone, connect yourself. #
RT @Laughbook: I didn't run into anyone I know today. Guess who's wearing the exact same thing tomorrow. #
RT @SarcasticRylie: Before you say you want a fairytale romance, remember that someone almost always dies in fairytales. #
RT @JordyHamrick: If you listen closely to AM radio static, you can hear your ancestors fucking. #
RT @Laughbook: There will always be a song in our playlist which we always skip, but never delete. #
RT @nesayeas: Tigger: Pooh bear, can I get some of that honey?
Pooh: Tigga Please!!!!! #
RT @iSlapUrSwag: LMAO – Lick Me All Over #
RT @Laf_Loudly: Grammer Lesson:If More Than One Mouse is Mice,Then More Than One Spouse Shud Be Spice !! #
RT @Laughbook: You know its a good story when it starts with.. "So this b*tch.." #
RT @TheNewElement1: I'm just gonna say it…I know what a egg is but what in the holy fuck is a nog? #
RT @Laughbook: I delete and retype my entire password if I think I mistyped one letter. #
RT @FilthyRichmond: Fast food workers should be required to say "Eww." as they hand you your order. #
RT @funnyoneliners: Don't think of it as a flu shot. Think of it as installing virus protection software. #
RT @EpicTweets_: If the people in horror movies listened to me they would still be alive. #
RT @Laughbook: When I die, I want someone to keep updating my Facebook status to freak people out. #
RT @funnyoneliners: They're eating scorpions on Fear Factor. If they pass this round it's onto my mom's fruit cake.
RT @DavidKlein5 #
RT @funnyorfact: Dear 2012, I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, 9/11 and Swine Flu. Now it's your turn, Bring it on. #NewYearisComing #
RT @PatheticPaul: New MacBook for Christmas…
$2,000 porn machine. #
RT @SarcasticRylie: I hate my neighbours. Not because they are having really loud sex, but because I am not. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Every time I lose my phone… its always on either silent or vibrate. how convenient… #
RT @idillionaire: Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible. #
RT @KlassyFucker: Being on Vacation is great because calories don't count outside your area code. #
RT @CandyCrisis: I love puppies! But not in a sexual way. That would be sick. They're too young. #
RT @SocialBuzz: No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with! #
RT @donni: It's bullshit that cheeseburgers aren't made entirely out of cheese. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere. #
RT @nesayeas: Word of advice: Taking a piss while holding hot coffee and sneezing does not end well. #
RT @SamGrittner: I attached Siri to my Roomba and I think I just made Rosie from 'The Jetsons.' #
RT @LIFECOACHERS: Merry Boozemas. #
RT @funnyoneliners: The leading cause of erectile dysfunction are the words, "We need to talk."
RT @shariv67 #
RT @nesayeas: Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. #
RT @NikiWithIssues: Screw romance. If your pick up line is so dorky it makes me laugh my ass off, you're getting my number. #
RT @NotesForGirls: Everybody thinks that a girl's dream Is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT. #
RT @Smethanie: The only time a guy cares about a girl's hair is when she's tying it up to give him a blowjob. #
RT @capricecrane: You'd be surprised how much time it can take to do absolutely nothing. #
RT @EpicTweets_: My cup of care, \_/. Oh look, it's empty.. #
RT @nesayeas: Dear "cool people", They didn't name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, Nerds #
RT @seriouslyemily: Do you think Kim and Kourtney call Khloe "Lardassian?" I bet they do!!! #
RT @NikiWithIssues: If you're into girls who throw shoes and Xbox controllers at you when they're on their period, I'm your dream girl. #
RT @funnyorfact: Merry Christmas : A kid wrote Santa, "please, send me a brother." #SantaOf2011 wrote back "send me your mother." #
RT @Ron_White: I have a hunch Blitzen is the only reindeer who would be any good at football. #
RT @SlappNuttz: All I want for Christmas is for it to be over. #
RT @comedyortruth: I've never seen a tombstone with a message that says- Died from not forwarding that text to 10 friends. #
RT @Coy0teUgly: The car in front of me at Starbucks paid for my order. I do believe. I do believe! #
RT @BorowitzReport: BREAKING: Kim Jong-Il's Son Trades Entire Nuclear Arsenal for XBox #
RT @nesayeas: Who else pushes in all the buttons on the soft drink lids? #
RT @FreddyAmazin: if i had a dollar for every person that thought i was cute, i'd have one dollar. thanks mom. #
RT @JerryThomas: Just a reminder, there's still time to buy me a gift. (Preferably anonymously, so I don't have to thank you.) #
RT @nesayeas: Are you home? No? I just answered my HOME phone from a batcave. #
RT @MrBrownEye2: If I was Santa, I'd pass on the milk 'n cookies and just go straight for the medicine cabinets. #
RT @TheNewElement1: Still can't decide what to get my pet rock for Christmas. #
RT @FactsBook: 15 percent of Americans secretly bite their toes. #
RT @EmmaWillmann: this smart water isnt working #
RT @nesayeas: Dear Cupid, next time if you're going to shoot me, shoot her too. Sincerely, falling for nothing #
RT @nesayeas: When I give an asian girl a quickie I call it a panda express #
RT @Laughbook: Dear Sleep, I'm sorry I hated you when I was little, but now I can't get enough of you. #
RT @NikiWithIssues: We don't mean to brag, but women can have sex whenever the fuck we want. #
RT @nesayeas: Tweeting while driving means I care enough about you that I would die for you. #
RT @SpacemanQuisp: I hate it when I get visions of dancing sugar plums stuck in my head. #
RT @comedyortruth: Pay no attention to those who talk behind your back. It simply means you are two steps ahead. #
RT @robfee: Ever been so drunk you come back from the bathroom and it's yesterday? #
RT @juicymorsel: I was going to exfoliate tonight. But on closer inspection, it's better if I let a monkey chew my face off and start over. #
RT @nesayeas: Good News: Kims dead. Bad News: It's not one of the Kardashians. #
RT @clarkekant: If you put wheels on the Capitol building, it would officially become the world's largest clown car. #
RT @HerPersonalSun: I'm standing under the mistletoe, but I would rather be under the camel toe! #
RT @FreddyAmazin: The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs. #
RT @nesayeas: You know you're fat when you drop something and think to yourself "Do I really need it?" #
RT @nesayeas: The best way to get high for free is to tell potheads you've never smoked before… #
RT @nesayeas: Santa goes to your house, down your chimney, and watches you while you sleep and everyone adores him.
But I do it ONE time… #
RT @funnyorfact: The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. #
RT @funnyorfact: "How do you know google is a girl..?" She won't let you complete the whole sentence before she starts guessing & suggesting #
RT @EpicTweets_: Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! we get fatter and stupid. #
RT @Kyle_Lippert: FYI: The cocaine you snorted was once inside of another human's asshole. #
RT @nesayeas: Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-21

admin — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 21:00:00 +0000

RT @friedmanjon: Just talked to the hand. We're working things out. #
RT @idillionaire: I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, you're probably one of them. #
RT @YouPorn: RT If you've ever been stopped dead mid-fuck by a raging leg/thigh cramp. #
RT @ManicMelly: Alcohol is just disinfectant for your soul. #
RT @Lifeinsandbox: Does anyone know which tax form must be used to claim lap dances as a business expense? #
RT @Matt_Tice: Sometimes I wish I was a schizophrenic so I won't die alone. #
RT @idillionaire: Dear 30 open internet tabs, which one of you is playing the music? Sincerely, frustrated. #
RT @BestAt: RT @badbanana: The life expectancy of reindeer is 8-10 years. We can stop singing about Rudolph now. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason.. #
RT @clarkekant: If it's true that only the good die young, I should live forever. #
RT @JordyHamrick: Every time my printer runs out of ink I just buy another printer. #
RT @technopriest5: The left-side of face is sore because my wife is right-handed. #
RT @idillionaire: We all have that one friend who we greet with an insult. #
RT @Lifeinsandbox: Any guy that gets his girl a gift card for a facial this holiday could've saved a ton of money by doing it himself. #
RT @matttuff: Grandma has been running around this funeral home telling everyone she just beat her dead friend in a staring contest. #
RT @TheBlessMess: I'm not above faking a brain aneurysm to be moved to the front of a checkout line. #
RT @Lifeinsandbox: People who say I am hard to shop for during the holiday evidently don't know where to buy beer. #
RT @SarcasticRylie: All I want for Christmas is to win a game of Words With Friends. #
RT @AngelaHelga: KIM JONG IL DIED IN A 69 and I may have read that wrong but either way it's awesome. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Naming your iPod “The Titanic” so it says “The Titanic is syncing.” #
RT @funnyoneliners: All I want is a job where I can take credit for somebody else's work.
RT @the_moonface #
RT @richrevord19: It's been a terrible year for my Fantasy Dictator League. #
RT @BorowitzReport: BREAKING: Kim Jong-Il's Son Vows to Continue Father's Legacy of Starvation and Paranoia #
RT @BestAt: RT @ThePresObama: Come by the house tomorrow. We're having Korean BBQ. It's gonna be IL. #
RT @SarcasticRylie: If you giggled when you read that Kim Jong Il was 69, we could be friends. #
RT @funnyorfact: #SometimesIWonder is French kissing in France just called kissing? #
RT @EpicTweets_: I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert. #
RT @Rene: Olive Garden says "When you're here you're family", how could they expect me NOT to think I'm entitled to a free meal… #
RT @TruthOrComedy: This Christmas season I've decided to put mistletoe in my back pocket so all the people I don't like can kiss my ass. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets. #
RT @donni: I was born with a green tooth. One day, it suddenly ripened into a tiny delicious banana. #
RT @comedybot: I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. -Henny Youngman ☺ #
RT @clarkekant: A new study shows that 10 out of 9 statisticians are really bad at their job. #
RT @Laughbook: That awkward moment when you wait for a text but then you realize you're the one who didn't reply. #
RT @iSlapUrSwag: 1) go to google 2) type "let it snow" 3) wait and watch the magic #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I Don't Hate You I just dislike you with an undying burning passion hotter than the fires of hell. #
RT @TheBlessMess: I hate trick questions like "Do you know who your father is?" #
RT @Smethanie: I know I like a boy when I clean the litter box and dust the porcelain kitty collection before he comes over! #
RT @BestAt: RT @smuttercup: If anyone needs any morals, I have some I'm not using. #
RT @BestAt: RT @meganamram: Small difference between a lady and a woman. HUGE difference between a cat lady and a Catwoman. #
RT @HerPersonalSun: Some people are here just to prove that the gene pool has a shallow end. #
RT @clarkekant: No matter how hard I try, at the end of the day, the princess is always in another castle. #
RT @tompapa: Trying to have more sex by calling it a 'year end sales event'. #
RT @GiggleFlower: Please return Stewardess to original upright position. #
RT @RealChuckie: Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison. #
RT @EpicTweets_: NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. #
RT @comedyortruth: When I'm sad, I sing, but then I realize my voice is worse than my problems. #
RT @nesayeas: #ToDoList : 1.buy a parrat. 2.teach the parrot to say, "Help i turned into a parrot!" 3.leave it in a public area. #
RT @idillionaire: I'm guessing that most people who claim to "count calories" are really bad at math. #
RT @erica_rosie: If Kevin Bacon doesn’t call his children "Bacon Bits," then there is no God. #
RT @nesayeas: That awkward moment when someone yells at u for clickin a pen, but u have to click it one more time to use it. #
RT @MrFornicator: I wonder if this will be the year Santa finally brings Tom Petty some decongestant. #
If I'm walking with my nose in the air.. It's called " stop the wrinkle neck" .. Carry on.. #
RT @nesayeas: When a girl says "what?", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Don't you just love when babies hold your finger with their whole hand. #
RT @Ron_White: I like a warm toilet seat, except when it's a public bathroom #
RT @funnyoneliners: I have thinkers' block.
RT @kushsoul #
RT @idillionaire: The only good mornings are the ones that start in the afternoon. #
RT @EpicTweets_: If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire? #
RT @JerryThomas: If loving you is wrong, you might be a barnyard animal. #
RT @idillionaire: Some fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time…" Others begin with "If elected, I promise…" #
RT @BestAt: RT @Wussawilla: Is Tim Tebow the most talked about white Bronco since the O. J. chase? #
RT @GiggleFlower: The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does. #
RT @NikiWithIssues: My doctor's waiting room needs a little something. Like a buffet. And some music. And a pole. And a couple of strippers. #
RT @idillionaire: You don't have to be gorgeous or brilliant to succeed in life, but I'm not taking any chances. #
RT @NotesForGirls: To all the girls who die for a "zero figure," remember, real men go for curves; only dogs go for bones. #
RT @nesayeas: Women don't poop, they hold it in and it comes out as drama. #
RT @fleshcake: If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww." #
RT @fleshcake: The only downside to buying diamonds is that you could have bought thousands of tacos instead. #
RT @comedyortruth: I don't think a guy & a girl can ever be just friends. One of them will just fall for the other someday. #
RT @idillionaire: I hate how chocolate immediately melts on my fingers. I mean… am I that HOT? #
RT @Lifeinsandbox: Only 11 days left to shop before Christmas. Then several months to declare bankruptcy. #
RT @idillionaire: I wonder if people can actually taste the bullsh*t as it spills out of their mouths. #
RT @funnyoneliners: I'm not lazy, I’m energy efficient.
RT @MensHumor #
RT @SpacemanQuisp: You can't polish a turd, but you can roll one in glitter. #
RT @SpacemanQuisp: I had a really scary dream last night that all of you people who live in the computer were real. #
RT @ChorePush_: If she tells you to not buy her something that means you better buy her something. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-14

admin — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 21:00:00 +0000

RT @FreddyAmazin: No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Its stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.. #
RT @EpicTweets_: That awkward moment when someone you deleted off Facebook tries to add you again. #
RT @iRespectFemales: if you can't handle the truth, then don't ask for my opinion. #
RT @EpicTweets_: When karma comes back to punch you in the face, i want to be there.. just in case it needs help. #
RT @KlassyFucker: Spoiler Alert: Santa's Penis Beard is also gray. #
RT @EpicTweets_: LMFAO, this movie isn't even scary. OH WAIT………. Based on a true story? Oh shit! #
RT @yourjokebook: Bored? Go to a random person's wedding and scream "No, don't marry her! I still love you!" #
RT @zombot: If I slowed down my brain function it would make time appear to go by faster, right? #relativity #
RT @HerPersonalSun: I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in. #
RT @LIFECOACHERS: MARRIAGE TIPS: JUST FOLD SHIT NEATLY AND KNOW WHEN TO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH #
RT @nesayeas: I wish I was friends with a midget so I could introduce them by saying, "Say hello to my little friend." #iTwitJokes #
RT @nesayeas: Some people have two faces…the one they show you and the one they don't want you to see. #iTwitJokes #
RT @nesayeas: Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know that we’re outside.. #iTwitJokes #
RT @yourjokebook: We all have a family member who think they're a professional photographer. #
RT @nesayeas: What do you call a monkey on a mine field? A baboom. #
RT @FilthyRichmond: I bring my pink padded toilet seat along for added comfort on bleachers and stadium seating. #
RT @comedyortruth: NEVER FORGET what someone says to you when they are ANGRY because that is when the truth comes out. #
RT @nesayeas: When I was younger I remember watching two drops of rain roll down window and pretending it was a race. #
RT @EpicTweets_: I Wish I Had A Theme Song That Played Whenever I Did Something Awesome #
RT @FreddyAmazin: If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours. #
RT @nesayeas: Your breath smells so bad, I don't know whether to give you a tic tac or toilet paper… #
RT @EpicTweets_: Sometimes, I wish I could fake my own death and watch my funeral, just to see who truly gives a shit about me. #
RT @SlappNuttz: Everything was going just fine until my multiple personalities decided to do Secret Santa. #
RT @JerryThomas: Particle Board is to Wood as McNugget is to Food. #
RT @Kyle_Lippert: Cocaine must smell super fucking awesome. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Just so you know If I were a bird, you'd be the first person I'd crap on. #
RT @comedyortruth: I take pinky promises seriously. No matter how old I may be, pinky promises are serious sh!t. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Childhood is like being drunk Everyone remembers what you did, except you. #
RT @yourjokebook: I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours? #
RT @yourjokebook: I should just change my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. #
RT @yourjokebook: Treat me like a joke and I'll leave you like its funny. #
RT @TheFakeCNN: Doctors agree that being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital. #
RT @JerryThomas: I always sleep inside a chalk outline because hey, you never know. #
RT @yourjokebook: Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies? #
RT @comedybot: My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. -Rodney Dangerfield ☺ #
RT @GiggleFlower: What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about? #
RT @yourjokebook: That Moment When Someone's Breath stinks You Offer Then Gum They Say" No Thank You" #
RT @blackstewi_: If you treat me like a joke, and i'll leave you like it's funny #
RT @indefensible: Lotta people coming down off two days of drugs. Lotta people struggling to get tents back in their bags. Not unrelated. #
RT @technopriest5: Vicodin is the reason I believe in Christmas miracles. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Facebook Mobile…or as I like to call it,”WALK ‘N STALK’!” #
RT @JerryThomas: Giant mice in lab coats keep making me run through a maze. #
RT @idillionaire: I wonder if the first person to ever pop corn thought they were under attack. #
RT @idillionaire: If you can’t convince them, confuse them. #
RT @idillionaire: Build a man a fire he’s warm for a day, set him on fire and he’s warm the rest of his life. #
RT @idillionaire: Panhandling is so much easier with a red bucket and a bell. #
RT @idillionaire: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: The one French fry in your bag of onion rings. 0oOol0oOo00o Right on, little fry. Right on!! #
RT @idillionaire: If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane. #
RT @sween: "We Bought A Zoo" is a bad name for a movie, but an amazing name for a restaurant. #
RT @idillionaire: There should be some sort of device that instantly makes my bed less comfortable when my alarm goes off in the morning. #
RT @idillionaire: Change is good as long as I don’t have to do anything different. #
RT @funnyoneliners: If there was an award for laziness… I’d probably send someone to pick it up for me.
RT @MensHumor #
RT @funnyoneliners: Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. #
RT @YouPorn: Men, like Cats, don't care about what's inside, we'd rather just play with the Box. #
RT @BestAt: RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: The bright, yellow Hummer is the Dane Cook of vehicles. #
RT @clarkekant: If, somewhere out there, there's a race of alien women with 3 boobs and two vaginas, please invade immediately. #
RT @GiggleFlower: When you don't know where you're going. . . Every road will take you there. #
RT @MissLaurynHill: If I text you, it means I miss you. If I don't text you, it just means I'm waiting for you to miss me. #
RT @clarkekant: I'd pay good money to hear lightsaber sound effects every time I pulled my dick out of my pants. #
RT @yourjokebook: Dear "normal people", I'm not weird, I'm limited edition. Sincerely, lighten up, you only live once #
RT @Smethanie: Guys, those 8 seconds I thought a hair on my phone screen was a crack were fucking intense. #
RT @yourjokebook: When people ask dumb questions, I feel obligated to give sarcastic answers #
RT @FilthyRichmond: I'm taking a cab home because I have really bad gas and don't want my car to stink all day tomorrow. #
RT @SamGrittner: If you have unprotected sex for ten-twenty years you can get decAIDS. #
RT @SamGrittner: Just saw an anorexic magician disappear into REALLY thin air. #
RT @blackstewi_: I love photos because they never change EVEN when the person in it changes. #
RT @HerPersonalSun: I'm more comfortable with you on top because I'm used to fucking up. #
RT @yourjokebook: Ladies, sometimes your knight in shinning armor is a retard in aluminum foil. #
RT @clarkekant: If you accidentally hit an old person and you're almost positive they're dead, you don't have to turn around, right? #
RT @yourjokebook: 1 universe, 9 planets, 7 seas, 7 continents, 809 islands, 204 countries, and I had the unfortune luck of meeting u. #
RT @GiggleFlower: If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. #
RT @donni: My get up and go just got up, puked everywhere, and passed out on the bathroom floor. #
RT @clarkekant: Just learned from Snopes that people actually live in Nebraska, but I don't really believe it. #
RT @NikiWithIssues: I have a feeling sober Niki is gonna be pissed tomorrow. Whatever, she started it! #
RT @KlassyFucker: My neighbor is stealing my WiFi so I renamed my Router "THE CIA is WATCHING YOU REUBEN" #
RT @BestAt: RT @yoyoha: 98% of all men washing their hands in a bathroom are doing it because someone else is in the bathroom. #
RT @yourjokebook: Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed #
RT @HerPersonalSun: I know it sounds crazy, but without my eyes, I would run into things. #
RT @HerPersonalSun: Don't get excited, but I'm naked under these clothes. #
RT @funnyoneliners: I'm having awful car trouble. The car won't start and the payments won't stop. #
RT @Paxochka: I just opened a bottle of idontcareanymore. #
RT @technopriest5: Since my kids don't believe in Santa anymore, I don't have to buy them anything right? #
RT @idillionaire: No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it. #
RT @comedyortruth: Even problems do you a favor, they let you know the real friends from fake ones. #
RT @EpicTweets_: KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and your middle finger HIGHER. #
RT @SlappNuttz: Following my heart usually leads me to places where my dick gets bored. #
RT @SlappNuttz: My wife is pissed at me because she said that I never something something and that she has something somethings too. #
RT @VeryRudeTweets: I like my beer like I like my violence…domestic. #
RT @EpicTweets_: I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away? #
RT @robhuebel: Found my pager I lost 12 years ago! Got a shit-load of pages to return. But in general, I don't have your cocaine anymore. #
RT @EpicTweets_: 2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section. #
RT @DrTwittenheimer: I, too, have a variable interest rate that is currently at an all-time low. #
RT @SarcasticRylie: The best form of birth control is my personality, apparently. #
RT @DrTwittenheimer: Why do people insist on adding that stupid spinning circle to all their YouTube videos? #
RT @RealChuckie: Built a house on I don't give a fuck avenue #
RT @BestAt: RT @FilthyRichmond: Hold that thought while I shotgun five tallboys. #
RT @EpicTweets_: "Dude that song is old"…."Well so is your mom….but you still listen to her." #
RT @funnyoneliners: Seems like I can't go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
RT @IGotsSmarts #
RT @idillionaire: Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream? #
RT @idillionaire: I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive? #
RT @HerPersonalSun: My life would be really funny if it weren't happening to me. #
RT @yourjokebook: Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.. #
RT @Smethanie: Sometimes I go into Babies R Us and scream "LIARS!!" at the workers because usually they're not babies. #
RT @idillionaire: No I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship… my boyfriend lives in the future. #
RT @comedyortruth: Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day. #
RT @DrTwittenheimer: It turns out that Futurama and Family Guy weren't really canceled, they were just in suspended animation. (Wacka wacka) #
RT @funnyoneliners: If a telemarketer calls you, give the phone to your 3 yr old and tell them it's Santa Claus.
RT @newfylover1 #
RT @comedyortruth: Dear Ceiling Fan, If you could hold my weight, i would never be bored again. #
RT @comedyortruth: My cup of care, \_/. Oh look, it's empty.. #
RT @idillionaire: I have about 4838384882 Apps in my iPhone and use about 3 of them. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-07

admin — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 21:00:00 +0000

RT @GiggleFlower: Humpty Dumpty was pushed! #
RT @FilthyRichmond: You shouldn't sing along to Dr. Feelgood unless you're wearing a broken condom. #
RT @NikiWithIssues: At the end of the day, all men are assholes. And guess what! It's the end of the day, asshole. #
RT @clarkekant: The only way my life could have turned out worse is if I had been a child sitcom star of the 80s. #
RT @SocialBuzz: In 20-30 years one of the hardest things our kids will have to do is finding a username that hasn't already been taken. #
RT @BestAt: RT @badbanana: No more procrastinating. Tonight, I wang chung. #
RT @yourjokebook: I saw a baby; wearing a shirt saying; "Santa doesn't exist, but that's okay, caus I can't read." #
RT @clarkekant: It's ironic that MySpace Tom will end up having to use Facebook to make sure his friends and family read his suicide note. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Periods late………haven't had sex…………I must be carrying the next baby Jesus! #
RT @TheBlessMess: I saw a woman today that was so orange and wrinkly she could be a stunt double for Carrot Top's nutsack. #
RT @technopriest5: Hey the sign said, 'Buy 1 Get 1 Free'. I only needed one, so I took the free one. #
RT @yourjokebook: I stepped on a cornflake, now I'm officially a cereal killer. #
RT @kervinf: Let them know how much you care. This holiday season, say it with a mass text. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Watching yourself on the monitor when you walk into the grocery store. #
RT @idillionaire: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death. #
Using only movie titles, describe your last bowel movement. . . Example: Gone with the wind. #
RT @HerPersonalSun: My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film. #
RT @DopePosts: I have CDO. It's like OCD, except that the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they're supposed to be. #
RT @idillionaire: I think the Airlines should let you exit a plane on the inflatable slide on your birthday. #
RT @JPHaddadio: I told the collection agency that I'm trying to get in the Guinness Book for lowest credit score. That shut them up. #
RT @Joshinator: I make beer ice cubes and put them in my beer and drink it because I'm a pioneer of science and such. #
RT @comedyortruth: Where you’re going is much more important than where you’ve been. #
RT @Coy0teUgly: I wonder if I would tweet more or less if I started having sex. Probably never going to find out. #
RT @FilthyRichmond: I've got one really long hair growing out of my ear. I keep it wrapped around my neck so it won't gross people out. #
RT @24_7jokes: Im standing here naked on my porch waiting for Google Maps to take my picture. #
RT @HerPersonalSun: It's almost 2012 and we still don't have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice. #
RT @FilthyRichmond: Stop hassling me! I'm doing the best I can do without actually trying. #
RT @comedyortruth: I like to pretend that I’m okay because I don’t wanna annoy people with my problems. #
RT @ProdigalSam: I bet Senior Mints are incredible. #
RT @EpicTweets_: All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: HAVE A PROBLEM? face it don't facebook it. #
RT @NoSpankYou: Attention Blonde White Girls: Do NOT go to Aruba…you guys are disappearing faster than donuts at a cop shop…damn! #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I want a person who comes into my life by accident, & stays on purpose. #
RT @idillionaire: Great things happen when you least expect them. #
RT @TheBosha: For the record, a "girl half my age" is now too old to enlist in the Army. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: If swimming is such a good way to stay in shape; then explain whales. #
RT @donni: You have nothing to fear from police bears if you're not a criminal, unless they're hungry. #
"I'd like a coke please." …….."Is pepsi ok?" "Is Monopoly money ok???" #
How was I suppose to know the neighbor's inflatable manger scene wasn't a bouncy? Geez. #
RT @PortlandiaGirl: I'm so slow at getting jokes, that you never really know what I'm laughing at. #
RT @BestAt: RT @CroweJam: I am a recovering redneck. It's been three weeks since I dry humped a cousin. #
RT @funnyorfact: No I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future… #
RT @funnyorfact: "Hey, I'd like a coke please." "Is pepsi ok?" "Is monopoly money ok???" #
RT @technopriest5: My daddy always told me we were Jewish because candles are cheaper than Christmas lights. #
RT @comedyortruth: You wanna know who your true friends are? Screw up & see who’s still there. #
RT @FilthyRichmond: Sometimes it's like my drug dealer doesn't even care about me. #
RT @Paxochka: When someone isn't paying attention to me I flash them my boobs and PROBLEM SOLVED! #
RT @comedybot: My mom was a ventriloquist. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. -Wendy Liebman ☺ #
RT @funnyorfact: When I clear my calculator, I press the button at least fourteen times. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Dear Math, I liked you, until you hooked up with the alphabet. Sincerely, you're such a whore. #
RT @funnyorfact: I need a friend who will delete my internet history after I die. #
RT @GiggleFlower: If your only tool is a hammer, all your problems start to look like nails. #
RT @CandyWarhole: I really feel like there should be a ribbon I can put on my car to show I support the cause to cure blue balls. #
RT @MrBrownEye2: People who eat mayonnaise, stop it. That's gross. #
RT @SarcasticRylie: My best friend sent me a game request on Facebook, so now I need a new best friend. #
RT @EpicTweets_: I don't really hate you, it's just that if you were on fire, I'd roast marshmallows.. #
RT @EpicTweets_: I wasn't THAT drunk…" Dude, you were in the closet yelling "Where the fuck is Narnia!" #
RT @HerPersonalSun: Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. #
RT @DopePosts: I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS? #
RT @capricecrane: All it takes to get me going is one word of encouragement. That word is usually "leave." #
RT @BestAt: RT @shariv67: I should never have picked a gynecologist who is also an amateur magician. #
RT @rainnwilson: I wonder if Nena ever caught those goddamn 99 Red Balloons… #
RT @GiggleFlower: Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? #
RT @TheHornyPony: This old drunk says he can remember back when rapists were called "mashers" and mashers were called "potato rapers". #
RT @ZacInMinnesota: I don't think hard enough before I try to be funny. I'm kind of a premature ejokeulator. #
RT @PORNOPINION: I'm more comfortable with you on top because I'm used to fucking up. #
RT @LIFECOACHERS: Never bite the hand that feeds, but always masturbate with the left one. It feels like someone else. #