TwistedWits.com http://www.twistedwits.com Because All We Every Really Wanna Do Is Laugh Wed, 01 Sep 2010 21:00:00 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-09-01 http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/Twistedwitscom/~3/3TtABnB4BH4/ http://www.twistedwits.com/2010/09/twitter-weekly-updates-for-2010-09-01-2/#comments Wed, 01 Sep 2010 21:00:00 +0000 admin http://www.twistedwits.com/2010/09/twitter-weekly-updates-for-2010-09-01-2/


  • I used to hear voices all the time but we're fine now..shut up!! I said we're fine! Ahem,yes,we're fine now. #
  • RT @goldengateblond: I just spilled an entire bottle of liquid soap. Now I don't know what to use to clean it up. #
  • playing hide n seek with the voices in my head, I'm under the stairs they'll never find me. WAIT! I DON'T HAVE STAIRS, CRAP! WHERE AM ? #
  • A friend just started a new business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says Prophets are going through the roof. #
  • RT @dpbkmb: RT @aThumper: National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there! #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @thesulk: I'd like to thank my peers for all of the pressure. I'm still enjoying drugs and alcohol. #
  • If I stood naked in front of you with chocolate syrup on me would you laugh or lick? #
  • Sh*t happens, wipe your *ss and get on with your life. #
  • Do Women also shake the Gas Nozzle after pumping Gas?Or is that a guy thing? #
  • Got arrested at the Gatorade convention. I guess standing behind women whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do. #
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  • RT @yerjokingnet: I just doubled my memory, but I don't remember how. #humor #
  • RT @FizzyDuck: Where exactly IS Easy Street? #
  • RT @Pearlydean: Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. (Aldous Huxley) #
  • RT @Pearlydean: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. #
  • RT @GiggleFlower: Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. #
  • RT @funnyoneliners: Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure they're not using it. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @davidisnotright: Sometimes I sit around and wonder how slutty I would dress if I were a girl. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @Beerhaze: Tip! The longer you are married the more difficult it will be to fit her body in to a suitcase. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @goldengateblond: Among words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite. #
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  • RT @Pearlydean: Light travels faster than sound so some people appear bright until you hear them speak #
  • RT @Pearlydean: Confucius Says…"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot" #
  • RT @Pearlydean: Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @Brain_Wash: Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don't know when. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @AngelaHelga: I'm in such a good mood, even my sphincter is whistling. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @jasonmustian: "Kidnapping" is a strong word. I prefer to think of it as "Surprise Adoption" #
  • Whew. What a day! Stick a fork in me, I am OW! OWWW! IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH YOU IDIOT! OW OW OW OW TAKE IT OUT! #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @CroweJam: I think I have a Southern 6th sense. I see inbred people. #
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  • He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more #
  • I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.. #
  • RT @funnyoneliners: After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @AristotlesGirl: F to the Y to the I ….You make me wanna H to the U to the R to the T you when you talk like this. #
  • RT @CroweJam: If your idea of a good time involves a 6-pack, corn dogs and a corpse, you might be a redneckophiliac. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @Beerhaze: Larry King's wife has now reportedly moved on… to beef jerky. #
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  • Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips. #
  • One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. #
  • RT @GiggleFlower: Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. #
  • RT @funnyoneliners: I need a credit card that can afford my lifestyle.RT @eugem #
  • RT @funnyoneliners: Now, I know that if she asks me what's on TV, it's dangerous to answer "dust". RT @EsseErre #
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  • RT @BestAt: RT @lafix: I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them I have a problem. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @PyrBliss: I'm too good for a lot of things. Which is why I don't do anything. #
  • RT @talks_in_maths: Back off, or I'll use this butterfly to start a chain reaction leading to a terrifying alternate future. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @linajk: Please don't be offended. You're captivating. But my narcolepsy can strike at any moment. #
  • Wow, HULU PLUS on Iphone / Ipad/ Ipod and coming to PS3 soon #
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  • I'm starting to look forward to assisted living. #
  • OH CRAP!!!!…I forgot to pick up my inner child from the daycare. #
  • So, I forgot to put an anti-static sheet in the dryer and now I'm afraid of my clothes. #
  • If I had a quarter for every time I said I had a nickel, I would have five times as much theoretical money #
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  • This ceiling fan keeps knocking over my ceiling furniture. #
  • Old Flash Cartoon but I couldn.t say it better myself http://bit.ly/bbGnXx , about all those pesky emails from friends. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @badbanana: Fascinating. Did you know you can just rip up a to-do list? #
  • My shrink took my paranoia away and now she's after my soul. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @DadsUpLate: No, I didn't pick my nose, I was born with it. #
  • RT @GiggleFlower: Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? #
  • RT @funnyoneliners: "No Alcohol Beyond This Point" is just a fancy way of saying "Chug Chug Chug."RT @funnyordie #
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  • RT @BestAt: RT @globetrottgirl: My safe word is *Legs* Spread the word. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @cpinck: Replaced my bathroom mirror with a flat screen TV and I look fantastic this morning. I’m also a pirate! #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @RexHuppke: The first Gulf of Mexico hurricane of the season should be named Olive. Think about it. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @lafix: I'll believe that chemical dispersant isn't harmful to fish and fowl when I see BP's CEO drink a shot of it. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @BillMc7: My laziness cancels out my OCD. #
  • RT @Pearlydean: The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. #
  • RT @yerjokingnet: If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box? #humor #
  • RT @Pearlydean: Never accept a drink from a urologist. #
  • RT @BestAt: RT @thesulk: My thoughts conspire against me. But I will prevail. I think. #
  • •Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I’ll never know. #
  • RT @yerjokingnet: Where are all those flashbacks they promised me? #humor #
  • RT @Pearlydean: Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. #
  • RT @Pearlydean: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. #
  • RT @GiggleFlower: Procrastination is like masturbation… sure it feels good at first, but then you realize you're only screwing yourself. #
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