TwistedWits.com

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-05-16

admin — Wed, 16 May 2012 21:00:00 +0000

http://t.co/T4WsKElO #Kindle #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-28

admin — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @technopriest5: Reality has been my only blind spot for years. #
RT @NathansReality: When I'm bored, I text a random number saying "I hid the body…now what?" :3 #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-21

admin — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @MDHOY: Theres nothing as disgusting as the feeling you get the moment that your finger breaks through the toilet paper. #
RT @rodney_at_large: Irony is dry humping in the rain. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Dear CHINA: Do you have an AMERICATOWN over there? Sincerely, people from AMERICA. #
RT @campydraper: My favorite zombie movie is Weekend At Bernie's 2. #
RT @NathansReality: I can't decide whether I want to be a good example or a horrible warning #
RT @EpicTweets_: You know those night when you can’t fall asleep? Could it be because you’re awake, in someone else's dream? #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-03-14

admin — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 21:00:00 +0000

#Kony #Kony2012 picture funny
http://t.co/Hyr4HdT2 http://t.co/Hyr4HdT2 #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-08

admin — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:00:00 +0000

If you set fire to LMFAO they'll become ROTFLMAO. #
RT @Failtext: I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back. #
Lol http://t.co/whnMag1e #
Genies #Fun #Humor #Humour http://t.co/kqzvqLhr #
Mullet Approved, Awesome !!! http://t.co/wCwn6wuj #
Not recommended by the fire departments for home use! http://t.co/khdBXf2E #
You In ??? http://t.co/GlvSTduV #
LMFAO http://t.co/d7tvN14w #
http://t.co/6Psj0G7I #
RT @EpicTweets_: I'm not a morning person, Do not pull the covers off me, I will kill you. #
RT @NathansReality: The problem with reality is a lack of background music. #
RT @Laughbook: Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday? #
RT @EpicTweets_: Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyones bathroom looks like 1 mirror at a time. #
RT @NathansReality: If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass! #
RT @NathansReality: A whore is like a bowling ball. She gets picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more. #
RT @EpicTweets_: I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken. #
RT @NathansReality: Ghetto wet floor sign – Caution, Bitches be trippin. #
RT @JordyHamrick: How many beers do I have to drink to get girls to notice me #
RT @Failtext: I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. #
RT @NathansReality: How do you handcuff a one-armed man? #
RT @TABS1969: Once I care about you, you are so fucking screwed. #
RT @C0NFESSI0NS_: Even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. #
RT @idillionaire: When shit goes down and sides are taken, you find out who was real and who was fakin. #
RT @funnyoneliners: Some of us are wired differently, I think you should sue the contractor.
RT @pummelopeel #
RT @NathansReality: 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash-Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash. #
RT @funnyoneliners: The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
RT @calluptome #
RT @SarcasticRylie: I have trust issues, and I'm pretty sure my bathroom scale is a fucking liar. #
RT @NathansReality: Remember kids, it's only illegal if you get caught. (: #
RT @EpicTweets_: Remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up? …WOW, what the heck were we thinking? #
Maybe turtles move slow because they're depressed they can't hug. #
RT @NathansReality: Enough with the procrastination, it’s time for excuses. #
Wonders if anyone who has ever worked in an office with Chuck Norris regrets asking him for his three hole punch? #
RT @GreenLikeCash: I'm really good at multitasking as long as I don't have to do anything else at the same time. #
Family member calls me at 3am……. U Sleeping ??? Uh No, I'm friggin' scuba diving !!! WTF ….. #
RT @ItsLifeNotes: A friend is someone who believes in you, even when you’ve stopped believing in yourself. #
RT @NathansReality: My penis is so polite, it stands up so girls have a place to sit down. #
RT @NathansReality: You know you're telling a good story when random people start wandering closer to listen. #
RT @Laughbook: Google must be a woman, it knows everything. #
RT @joshcomers: I'm never more invested in whatever's on a TV than when I'm alone at a bar. #
RT @NathansReality: Cool story bro, wanna hear mine? Once upon a time I didn’t give a fuck. The end. #
RT @technopriest5: I don't need a groundhog to tell me I'm not getting any pussy for the next 6 weeks! #
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. #
Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-02-01

admin — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @RealChuckie: Stop acting like you're perfect, all bitches got glitches. #
RT @Rene: People who say anything is possible OBVIOUSLY never tried to slam a revolving door… #
RT @Laughbook: I hate it when I am singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong. #
RT @Laughbook: Animal crackers just don't taste right if you don't start by biting their heads off first. #
RT @NathansReality: Kids in high school, save your liver now, you're gonna need it in college. #
RT @NathansReality: If it doesn't kill you, you'll learn from it. If it does kill you, I'll learn from it. #
RT @donni: Warm weather in January is like a blowjob from your ex: Awesome and terrifying at the same time. #
RT @WendyLiebman: I don't think Tilapia was even a fish before 2008. #
RT @ItsLifeNotes: Friendship isn't about who came first & who you've known the longest. It's about who came and never left you. #
RT @idillionaire: There's always one song…that fits the situation a little too perfectly. #
RT @KlassyFucker: If opinions are like assholes then can I fuck you in your opinion? #
RT @iNusku: It's a good thing I believe in myself, nobody else does. #
RT @NathansReality: Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. #
RT @NathansReality: I'mma be. I'mma be. I'mma be. I'mma be. I'mma be. LOL JK I'mma wasp #
RT @NathansReality: Don't you hate when you step in gum? You always look like a guy with a prosthetic leg trying to do the moonwalk.. #
RT @NathansReality: What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches. #
RT @Failtext: That was funny. But I don't like you…so I'm not going to laugh. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Dear inventor of tampons, How awkward was it for you to explain your invention to everyone? #
RT @donni: I'm thinking of a number. Psychics, please call that number to prove your psychic ability. #
RT @DrTwittenheimer: Don't speed-walk with scissors, either. That just looks goofy. #
RT @Failtext: I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. That solves that problem. #
RT @idillionaire: Stop making excuses for people! When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to paint a new picture. #
RT @MDHOY: You can't expect stupid people to do smart things. #
RT @NathansReality: One man's "Ewwwww" is another man's "I'd hit that". #
RT @NathansReality: This is who I am, nobody said you had to like it. #
RT @NathansReality: Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they are talking? #
RT @RealChuckie: Having a computer with no internet connection is like having a girlfriend with no vagina. #
RT @AlbertBrooks: I just hit "I'm feeling lucky" on google and I got a blow job. #
RT @comedybot: What happens if you get scared half to death twice? -Steven Wright ☺ #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they mess up I will just hit them all at once.
#
RT @FreddyAmazin: On my tombstone I want it to say " I didnt forward the text message to 15 friends" ) #
RT @technopriest5: For 20 years my wife has served nothing but leftovers… The original meal has never been found. #
RT @PaulyPeligroso: Burger King's free WiFi tastes better. #
RT @GiggleFlower: Indecision may or may not be my problem. #
RT @BestAt: RT @ConfusedLush: Show me on the time line where he touched you. #
RT @YouPorn: Soft Pussy, Warm Pussy, Little strip of Fur. Happy Pussy, Wet Pussy, Purr Purr Purr. #
RT @donni: I smell sex and candy. Gotta stop masturbating with candy. #
RT @MrBrownEye2: I don't believe in stupidstitions. #
RT @funnyoneliners: I'm convinced that one day we'll look back on this and deny everything.
RT @juicymorsel #
RT @NathansReality: Some girls wear just enough make-up, other girl's faces look like they were gang-banged by a box of crayons. #
RT @beingtheo: If there's one thing I always do, it's exactly what I say I'm never going to do. #
RT @MarkReiley: Today’s inability to focus on anything besides sex is brought to you by my penis. #
RT @EpicTweets_: If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Seeing a car in the middle of the mall and thinking “How the heck did they get that in here?” #
RT @FreddyAmazin: You're beautiful! until your Photoshop 30 day trial expires….. #
RT @NikiWithIssues: I'm gonna make a difference in someone's life today by sleeping with their husband. #
RT @BestAt: RT @TheBlessMess: Today's indifference is brought to you by my freshly filled prescriptions. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-25

admin — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @Laughbook: Tom, it's been thirty years man..you're never going to eat Jerry… #
RT @BestAt: RT @thesulk: I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me. #
RT @clarkekant: The only way boobs could be any better is if they could shoot laser beams and dispense coffee. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: When I die I want my tombstone to say… “BRB”
^__^ #
RT @funnyoneliners: The nice thing about living in a small town is if I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. #
RT @clarkekant: When I die, I hope my brain doesn't play back all the conversations I've had with myself. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I'm good at multitasking. I can drop my phone, spill my coffee, wreck the car and yell, "OH DAMN" at the same time #
RT @JerryThomas: Most days I'd rather be sitting under a bridge and pestering billy goats. #
RT @Failtext: Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. #
RT @NathansReality: When someone tells you it's impossible for you to do something, prove them wrong. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-18

admin — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @NikiWithIssues: My fingers are always in the mood to masturbate, even when I'm not. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. #
RT @BestAt: RT @yoyoha: Dear Women,
We don't say this enough, but thank you. For not killing us in our sleep.

Love, Men #
RT @EpicTweets_: Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital. #
RT @MrFornicator: I saw a sign that said "Hiring for every position"… so I went in and applied for doggy style. #
RT @EpicTweets_: I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert. #
RT @Failtext: I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. #
RT @GiggleFlower: Love comes in spurts. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire. #
RT @Laughbook: Dont think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey #
RT @picturecool: I buy these so I can keep them in the pantry for 5 months then throw them away. #photo http://t.co/kXFJwSJp #
RT @Laughbook: Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. #
RT @Laughbook: Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues. #
RT @Laughbook: I put LOL, LMAO, LMFAO. But I sit there with a straight face. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Not trying to be rude, but your d*ck gets less action then a white crayon. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I miss the days when you could push someone in a pool without having to worry about their iPhone!.. #
RT @NathansReality: Shrink: what swimming suits do when they’re stored for the winter. #
RT @Failtext: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels! #
RT @HerPersonalSun: When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot……………………but I always found them! #
RT @NathansReality: no matter how fast you run Micheal Myers WILL walk faster #
No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone….you answer it. #
RT @autocorrects: your so fat you sat on an ipod and made it an ipad. #
RT @autocorrects: I'd rather carry 10 grocery bags in each hand than make two trips #
RT @autocorrects: Good girls are bad girls that NEVER GET CAUGHT. #
RT @autocorrects: When I was a kid I……..no wait, I still do that. #
RT @autocorrects: I grew up in the era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games. #
RT @autocorrects: Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing. #
RT @autocorrects: Dear Milk, you make me wet. Sincerely Cereal. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Today, I saw 2 twins. One had a shirt that said "Copy" &; the other one had a shirt that said "Paste". #
RT @NathansReality: I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…I probably don't need a receipt. #
RT @NathansReality: Yeah, I cry after sex…pepper spray will do that to you. #
RT @Failtext: Whenever someone asks, "you look familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Well do you watch porn…?" #
RT @NathansReality: I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationship with fun & freedom. #
RT @BestAt: RT @robfee: LSU and the Saints lose?? This has got to be the worst week EVER for Louisiana! Or…maybe second worst? #
RT @TheNightGallery: "Oh, I don't need you. I've got friends of my own. Upstairs. In the attic." #GalleryQuotes #
RT @DrTwittenheimer: I'm so awesome, my dreams follow me. #
RT @SarcasticRylie: As if there wasn't enough stacked against me ever finding a boyfriend, I discovered dandruff this morning. #
RT @Lifeinsandbox: The obituaries section in the newspaper would be more interesting if they told you how the person died. #
RT @NathansReality: Dear Dora, You're bilingual at age 4, and you seriously can't see the orange tree?! Sincerely, It's right there! #
RT @comedyortruth: There are plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod. #
RT @NathansReality: Oh, you're cooler than me? Then I guess that makes me hotter than you. #
RT @comedybot: If God dropped acid, would he see people? -George Carlin ☺ #
RT @EpicTweets_: Sending a risky text & thinking "oh god, they hate me," if they don't respond within 30 seconds. #
RT @comedyortruth: Drugs & alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asked me- "What are you doing this weekend?" #
RT @SamGrittner: Pretty much my only concerns in life are not getting hit by oncoming traffic or getting my iPhone wet. #
RT @comedyortruth: I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure. #
RT @comedyortruth: Does Dora's mother ever wonder where her 6 year old is & why her only friends are animals? #
RT @YouPorn: An Orgasm, like a Heart Attack, is an intense series of involuntary muscle contractions commonly followed by a long, deep sleep #
RT @FreddyAmazin: That confusing moment When you wake up from a nap and you don't know what day it is. #
RT @Laughbook: Cool story bro! Put it in the History books with all the other boring shit I don't care about. #
RT @NathansReality: just sent a text message to a random number saying "Im Pregnant" #
RT @donni: I assume "making love out of nothing at all" means masturbation. #
RT @Laughbook: are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today. #
RT @NathansReality: Why do we have to be quiet during a fire drill? Will the fire hear us? #
RT @Laughbook: I`m not lazy, I`m on energy saving mode. #
RT @Laughbook: I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem. #
RT @NathansReality: The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have. #
RT @NathansReality: Want to know if the girl you like likes you back? Watch her reaction when you tell her that you'd bang her best friend. #
RT @Failtext: I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it…so I said "Implants?" #
RT @funnyhumour: My mates bet me a hundred quid I wouldn't take five Viagra tabs at once. I thought, ''How hard can it be?'' #
RT @idillionaire: When shit goes down and sides are taken, you find out who was real and who was fakin'. #
RT @clarkekant: I've been lying on this couch so long, my living room may as well be called my dying room. #
RT @Failtext: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. #
RT @Failtext: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it? #
RT @Failtext: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. #
RT @Failtext: Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. #
RT @Failtext: After the game,
the king and the pawn go into the same box. #
RT @Failtext: Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. #
RT @clarkekant: Don't try to tell me you believe in God, but you're not superstitious. #
RT @RealChuckie: The awkward moment when, someones yelling at you and your just sitting there, laughing #
RT @Kyle_Lippert: You haven't done the job right unless she leaves a snail trail on the ground from the bed to the bathroom. #
RT @NathansReality: looking for a Hontas on facebook because it would be pretty cool to
POKE A HONTAS #
RT @JordyHamrick: The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch. #
RT @Laughbook: Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles. #
RT @EpicTweets_: Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-11

admin — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @NathansReality: Treat me like a joke and I'll leave you like its funny #
RT @FreddyAmazin: 1. open the fridge, nothing to eat 2. open the pantry, nothing to eat 3. lower your standards and repeat #
RT @JerryThomas: Love thy neighbor as thyself. But bring lots of hand sanitizer. #
RT @NathansReality: A real man doesn't wait until he's about to lose something before he finally realizes what he has. #
RT @lordstewie: "Bro can I use your phone to call my girlfriend?" "Yeah sure, just hit redial." #
RT @Laughbook: Facebook: Saving me money on Birthday cards for 5 years. #
RT @NathansReality: How does Justin Beiber remove a condom? He farts. #
RT @EpicTweets_: You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation. #
RT @Laughbook: I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at school. #
RT @Laughbook: Wherever you feel worthless, REMEMBER, You're the winner. You were once the quickest sperm cell. #
RT @clarkekant: I am ON FIRE tonight! No, seriously, I really am…what is it? Stop, drop and flop? #
RT @Failtext: Life is like riding a bicycle. You don’t fall off unless you stop pedaling. #
RT @BestAt: RT @sbellelauren: the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing #
RT @Failtext: Shallow minds drown in deep thought. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: best friends: they know how stupid you are and still choose to be seen with you in public #
RT @Failtext: I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not. #
RT @NathansReality: No shave November = Clogged Drains December #
RT @comedybot: I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. -Rodney Dangerfield ☺ #
RT @comedyortruth: Sorry about those text messages last night. My phone was drunk.. #
RT @SlappNuttz: If heterosexuals are called straight and homosexuals are called gay, shouldn't bisexuals be called strays? #
RT @girlposts: Yawning is your bodys way of saying: "10% battery remaining" #
RT @Laughbook: Once I put on my headphones, my life becomes a music video. #
RT @DarkSideIntern: I seldom fart, but when I do, it smells like pickled eggs and Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends. #
RT @idillionaire: Some people's laugh is funnier than the joke. #
RT @NathansReality: I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks… As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there. #
RT @NathansReality: The brave might not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. #
RT @idillionaire: Everyone knows someone that just doesn't have a clue. #
RT @funnyorfact: I have a theory that the world will end in 5105, and we've been reading the Mayan calendar upside down… #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-04

admin — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 21:00:00 +0000

RT @BorowitzReport: POLL: Given Choice Between Romney and Santorum, Most Americans Choose Suicide #iacaucus #
RT @FreddyAmazin: It's so funny how the people that know the least about you, are the ones that have the most to say. #
RT @BorowitzReport: Rick Perry will finish number 5, which is three numbers higher than he can count. #iacaucus #
RT @NathansReality: Your friends are like the buttons on an elevator. They will either take you up or they will take you down. #
RT @Laughbook: Nice makeup, did you headbutt a chalk board? #
RT @HerPersonalSun: My New Year's resolution is to make better bad decisions. #
RT @NathansReality: Don't expect someone who gets around, to stick around. #
RT @rodney_at_large: Hey Canada, can we get on top for a while? #
RT @idillionaire: Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work. #
RT @HerPersonalSun: Would you like to have your period through your mouth? #
RT @comedyortruth: I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and funny as hell #
RT @WordsOfaHooker: Just ripped my stress ball in half. #
RT @HerPersonalSun: Sometimes I wish I was a schizophrenic so I won't die alone. #
RT @MarkReiley: If you keep your friends close but your enemies closer, you are more likely to accidentally impregnate your enemies. #
RT @friedmanjon: Refrigerators are a scam to sell more magnets. #
RT @JordyHamrick: Almost positive that my dog's incessant need for handshakes stems from a deep-rooted desire to run for Mayor. #
RT @AYYSIAN: If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. #
RT @AYYSIAN: Dear circle, Do you ever wake up in the morning and realize your life is pointless? Sincerely, square. #
RT @AYYSIAN: l bet the "YMCA" dance is harder to do in chinese. #
RT @AYYSIAN: "Was it a cat I saw" is the same backwards. Mind = Blown. #
RT @SarcasticRylie: Gonna start calling my bedroom 'The Situation Room' to make it more appealing to powerful men. #
RT @RealChuckie: Wife: Why are you home so early? .. Husband: My boss told me to go to hell. #
RT @funnyoneliners: My life coach told me I'd have to get one before he could coach me on it. #
Pretty sure my attitude is because I haven't had sex since last year !!! #
RT @comedyortruth: A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." #
RT @FreddyAmazin: If… Billy Mays was still alive, he'd want to party like its $19.99 #
RT @Laughbook: we all have, that one creepy neighbor that never comes out of their house. #
RT @NathansReality: if abortion is murder..does that make condoms kidnapping? #
RT @comedyortruth: Worrying is so dumb. It's like carrying an umbrella waiting for it to rain. #
RT @Laughbook: Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it… #
RT @NathansReality: i saw a baby; wearing a shirt saying; "Santa doesn't exist, but that's okay, cause I can't read." #
RT @Laughbook: That fail moment when you pull your blankets up & punch yourself in the face. #
RT @NathansReality: Girl: Shut up, I wear heels bigger than your dick.
Boy: So , i wear Jordans cleaner than your pussy. #
RT @NathansReality: Life sucks. Do what makes you happy today, then tomorrow might suck less. #
RT @funnyorfact: What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.. #
RT @NathansReality: If pinochio said, "My nose will grow right now." What would happen?
Think about it.
Mind=Blown #
RT @NathansReality: Poking holes in your parents condoms so there's someone else to do the dishes #
RT @Smethanie: I think every adult should drink alcohol out of a sippy cup at least once in their lifetime. #
RT @FreeDriftwood: If cleaning a dirty toilet with my pee stream means I want world peace, then yes, I guess I want world peace. #
RT @EpicTweets_: "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you climbed up a tree and said "OH GOD! Look how big this piece of broccoli is!" #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Your shirt may say princess but your face says troll. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
#
RT @EpicTweets_: Cashier: "Is that everything?" … "Uhh, no, I'd also like all this invisible sh*t" #
RT @NathansReality: dear internet; please stop with the ads that start talking on their own. sincerely, i just had a heart attack. #
RT @AYYSIAN: You're annoying me. Go play in traffic. #
RT @rodney_at_large: Don't forget to set your clocks up 1 year tomorrow. #
RT @NathansReality: The sound of people eating irritates the shit out of me. So I moved to Africa #
RT @DamnItsTrue: Admit it, you've lied to get out of hanging out with someone. #
RT @Laughbook: I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA… #
RT @NathansReality: A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " i said " i don't know" she said "omg! nobody does!" #
RT @NathansReality: I'm so clever that sometimes even I can't figure out what i'm doing.. #
RT @NathansReality: Everybody rubs her tummy and says 'congrats', but nobody rubs my balls and says 'good job'.. #
RT @DamnItsTrue: Smart people have plans, BUT stupid people have stories. #
RT @girlposts: I don't hate people, I just feel better when some of them aren't around. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: If couples who are in love are called love bird, then couples who argue should be called angry birds. #
RT @comedyortruth: I flip my pillow to get to the cool side. Only me? #
RT @Laughbook: I'm not clumsy It's just the floor hates me; the tables and chairs are bullies; & the wall just gets in the way #
RT @NathansReality: theres some people I'm so close to that When I get a text from them, I can hear their voice reading it to me. #
RT @Laughbook: *Low battery* *Low battery* *Low battery* Well apparently you have enough battery to remind me every 2 seconds. #
RT @nealbrennan: Shots are the turbo button for drunk. #
RT @NathansReality: What if one day you randomly wake up as a baby and realize that your whole life was a dream.
. #
RT @Smethanie: If men had a vagina for a day, they would never leave the room they were in when they discovered they had a vagina for a day. #
RT @BestAt: RT @Paxochka: If you have boobs and pay for your own drugs or alcohol, you don't have nice boobs. #
RT @NathansReality: Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest just want to have something to gossip about. #
RT @comedyortruth: I think Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little too seriously. #
RT @technopriest5: Is Carpal Tunnel syndrome brought on by masturbation covered by workman's comp if the injury occurred at work? #
RT @NathansReality: If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: BREAKING NEWS: Dora suffers from a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.. #
RT @NathansReality: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time #
RT @matttuff: Grandma's having another one of her seizures in case any of you need some paint cans mixed. #
RT @goonumbertwo: If there isn't already a grain delivery business called "Haulin' Oats," there fucking needs to be. #
RT @NathansReality: When life gives you lemons, Make a Milkshake They'll never see it coming. #
RT @comedyortruth: FRIENDS- Buy you food. BESTFRIENDS- Eat your food. #
RT @krazymama3: I need to go to Target. I am going to take a baby doll and a blanket and pretend I am breast feeding while I shop. #
RT @funnyoneliners: Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I'm not positive I am thinking. #
RT @NathansReality: Have you ever changed a whole text message just because you didn't know how to spell one word #
RT @FreddyAmazin: I've come to realize that if a Facebook profile picture has two people in it,.. It always belongs to the uglier one. #
RT @NathansReality: I end all my texts with
<3
because my ball sack always wears a party hat. #
RT @NathansReality: Music teacher: What is your favourite musical instrument? Fat kid: The lunch bell. #
RT @NathansReality: Excuse me while I sneeze, sorry but I'm allergic to bullshit. #
RT @NathansReality: Today, the whole world came crashing down on me. So I got some tape and stuck the map back onto the wall. #
RT @FreddyAmazin: Charging your phone for 5 minutes before you leave, because you think it will make a difference. #
RT @NathansReality: How are u feeling 2day? like a tampon… In a good place. At the wrong time. #
RT @NathansReality: Me: If you were on a bus full of gay guys would you get off?
Friend: Yeah. wait… no…. sh*t #
RT @SpacemanQuisp: I'm pretty sure the first person to mix potatoes and mayo in a bowl and call it a "salad" was a guy. #