Turetzky Syndrome

Do we have any asses here today?

Ken Turetzky — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 04:56:46 GMT

"And now it's time for the blues portion of our show," I warned the collected faithful at Bill's Records, mid-way through the Nov. 1, 2008, show that continues to spit out (now classic) video singles.

"This next here song's called My Fat Ass Itches — 'cause it does."

Guitar tip: Capo the E-chord up to the sixth fret, and you can actually play My Fat Ass Itches in the key of B-fat. Really wows the crowd!

I paused during the lead break to recommend, "This would be the time now, if you've got a fat ass, to swing it!

"Do we have any asses here today?"

The dance floor remained empty. These things happen either organically, or not at all.

Play it in B-fat

Get the video: My Fat Ass Itches, Live at Bill's Records

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Bad video: 'I've Got A Hole In My Head'

Ken Turetzky — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 05:58:02 GMT

In case you're wondering where I've been the past week, well, I've been immersed in geek mode, attempting to produce a video that won't turn to mush on YouTube.

But here's what I eventually discovered: Everybody's videos look bad on YouTube! The bad videos are what make YouTube a great big, fuzzy democracy.

This news arrives as a relief. Grooming is no longer necessary before one shoots a video, as nobody can tell what you look like, anyway. I might start calling myself Paul McCartney. People won't know the difference, as long as the volume's turned off.

And so, I'm proud to present this crappy looking video of I've Got A Hole In My Head, my opening number at the recent Deep Ellum Arts Festival.

Better than No Quality

Lee Cates, last seen at my Bill's Records set, returned to capture the pixellated action in beautiful Sony Hi8.

Select HQ mode (look for the icon at lower right in the video panel) for best display.

Spec sheet

Professional videographers will really enjoy the following technical detail. Be sure to let me know what all of this stuff means, because I don't understand any of it.

I've Got A Hole In My Head re-encoded with the open-source program VirtualDub, from the original .VOB digital rip.
VirtualDub filters: null transform (used to crop 720x480 video to 640x480), FadeFX (fade out and fade in), brightness/contrast, subtitler (using a script created with Sub Station Alpha).
Compressed with XviD MPEG-4 codec, quality setting 8/31 (file size 62.5MB). Video length: 2:57.

Get the video: I've Got A Hole In My Head - Live at DEAF

turetzkysyndrome.com

Nuke the debt! Vid protests bitter end

Ken Turetzky — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 08:43:32 GMT

Thank goodness we finally have an Intelligent President. So what if the economy's headed for collapse? At least the guy in the White House looks smart at a press conference!

Since I'm all out of the usual stuff to protest, I've enjoyed the luxury to indulge my fear of the inevitable. "When my time comes, I'm not going," I greet skeptical audiences. "If God wants me, he's going to have to kill me."

That's the theme of I'll Get Old And Die, the latest addition to my Turetzky Syndrome Channel on YouTube.

Quick solutions

Is it just me, or does Timothy Geithner sound like Lenny Bruce hopped up on speed?

I'm so confused. If only George W. Bush were still president. He'd know what to do about those toxic assets and that annoying foreign debt problem. He'd nuke them!

Get the video: I'll Get Old And Die, Live at Bill's Records

turetzkysyndrome.com

Tradition trumps change with 'True Love'

Ken Turetzky — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 05:43:11 GMT

While some free love, atheistic, vegetarian, Al Gore-worshipping, terrorist-coddling, tax-and-spend traitors to America are busy fetishizing change, I'm all about tradition.

I mean, the whole purpose of tradition is to prevent dangerous things like change. And we've forgotten all about tradition in this country.

Morality rules

Divorce was unthinkable in a time when people based their decisions on morals and morality and doing the thing that was moral and good. Immorality was dealt with quickly and harshly by the community. White people, I mean, morality, ruled the day.

So, even if a woman (selfishly) desired freedom from a loveless marriage, she didn't ask her husband for a divorce! She did the right thing. She hired Fred MacMurray to ice the guy.

In the same way, traditional folk songs such as Tom Dooley and Pretty Polly recounted warmly how an ardent lover wooed and won the girl of his dreams. He took his gun and he shot her dead. That way, he figures correctly, she'll never have anybody else but me!

Call me crazy. I'm in love!

Second in a series

Too late for Valentine's Day but timeless nevertheless is my murder ballad, True Love, performed live at Bill's Records and photographed by famed Ugly Guys director Lee Cates.

Get the video: True Love, Live at Bill's Records

turetzkysyndrome.com

New video: 'Stink, Live at Bill's Records'

Ken Turetzky — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 01:44:35 GMT

From everything I know about comedy musicians, the very best ones are more than just superb instrumentalists, songwriters and singers. They're also really good at making funny, funny faces!

I've only recently gotten around to checking out my own performances on video, and unfortunately, the results are not encouraging.

I can't get past the 2:05 mark of my new music video, Her Shit Don't Stink, Live at Bill's Records, because it's at that point, during the instrumental break, where Mr. Comic Musician's lower lip noticeably sags, in blissfully unaware but decidedly not-ready-for-YouTube fashion.

Hey, Stupid!

Why didn't anybody tell me about the lip thing before? "Hey, Stupid! You look really stupid with your mouth open like that! Shut your stupid mouth!" That's all anybody had to say. The message would have sunk in after two, maybe three withering insults. For this, I blame you, the audience.

So, don't complain when I post more video from the Bill's Records show, photographed by Ugly Guys director Lee Cates. You'll find more funny, funny songs on my YouTube Turetzky Syndrome Channel.

Slack jaw aside, my musicianship, lyrics and vocals on Her Shit Don't Stink remain fantastic. "My name is Ken Turetzky. I'd like to open with a brief statement, and then I'll take questions from the press," I tell the audience." Hilarious!

And then I'll take questions from the press

Get the video: Her Shit Don't Stink, Live at Bill's Records

turetzkysyndrome.com