Turetzky Syndrome

Don’t play this one for your mother

kturet — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 05:01:40 +0000

Don’t play this one for your mother

Almost two years after the infamous 9/11 release of The Best Of The Red Peters Comedy Music Hour, Vol. 1, the reviews keep rolling in.

Let me just flip through some of the reviews here…hmmm, don’t have any. Must have misplaced them.

Fortunately, though, Red’s timeless comedy still rates with “world-traveling German mother of two (beagles)” and prolific epinions.com author knotheadusc, whose July 19 review raves, Red Peters and friends at their absolute raunchiest!!! [exclamation points added].

The indefatigable knotheadusc (not her real name) devotes a sentence or two to all 19 tracks on Red’s funny, funny, compilation, and says this about my own Her Shit Don’t Stink:

Ken Turetzky sings a somber number called Her Sh*t Don’t Stink, a harmonica accented song about a woman who thinks she’s better than everyone else. I bet a lot of us know someone like this. I like the way Turetzky sings this song, almost with a slight snarkiness that makes me think someone special inspired it.

Filthy and filthier

Best Of earns a Product Rating of 4.0 (on a 5 scale). Over the course of two paragraphs, knotheadusc progressively describes the album as: explicit, sick, twisted, filthy, disgusting, filthy, crass, vulgar, disgusting, filthy, vulgar, raunchy, raunchy and filthier.

Filthy wins, with disgusting and raunchy running a respectable second.

“The Bottom Line,” she writes: “Don’t play this one for your mother.”

Now you tell me! My Mom adds another complaint to the reviewer’s list: Where did we go wrong?

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How to survive Auschwitz

kturet — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 08:08:10 +0000

How to survive Auschwitz

“The camps were not universities,” explains a helpful Holocaust survivor in The Reader, an Oscar-winning film from 2008. “There was nothing to learn from being in them or from visiting them.” Fortunately for us stressed-out recession survivors, Psychology Today rejects such harmful negativity while dealing life lessons from Auschwitz!

Just imagine what Poland’s besieged Jewish community might have accomplished with the informational and emotional resources of Twitter and Psychology Today, had they been available back in 1944.

Oy! The tragedy! Even today, Twitter, with its inexhaustible cache of self-styled #lifecoachweasel(s) and green-themed avatars, has stoked me with the emotional support to weather such traumatic events as Iran election riots and the John and Kate divorce.

Speaking of which, we finally hold one honest election in this country, and all of a sudden we’re experts?

You doesn’t have ta call me Ray

But enough about lost causes. The lightweight champ of this self-help story is author Ray B. Williams, whose new column in Psychology Today, deceptively titled How To Stay Happy During the Recession, actually dispenses valuable Auschwitz survival advice!

Talk about burying the lead!

(For those who avert their eyes from supermarket checkout displays, Psychology Today is a fluffy periodical whose hit-and-run analysis lets people feel good about themselves — even when they shouldn’t.)

Thanks to Twitter for hipping me to Ray B. Williams’s work, via this perky tweet from the professionally excited @CarolLeavitt, whose Twitter bio describes her as: Serial entrepreneur! Leadership coach! Author & Lecturer! Educator with boundless energy!

CarolLeavitt

(Carol Leavitt)

Here's an interesting story about tapping your inner strengths to stay happy during the recession: http://bit.ly/iviUn Enjoy! -Carol

On 24-6-2009 04:18:17 from bit.ly

Well, I like being happy! And who knows? Maybe the author will also clear up that mystery over who moved my cheese.

Don’t worry, be sappy

At first skim, Ray B. Williams appears to recycle familiar platitudes the ruling class feeds to beaten serfs after stripping them of all treasure and dignity: Pursue meaningful life goals. Learn how to live in the present moment. Nurture meaningful relationships.

Boring! Tried all that. Didn’t work. I’m still broke, and praying for death.

But then, a revelation!

Focus on your strengths rather than your weaknesses.

Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote in his best seller, Man’s Search for Meaning…that those people in the concentration camps that focused on their inner strengths and choosing how they viewed things, were happier and better survivors [emphasis added]….

I get it now. If I want to Stay Happy During the Recession, all I gotta do is emulate those happy concentration camp survivors!

Hitler said it best

Just stay positive, and life will take care of itself. It’s like Hitler said: “If those Jews in Auschwitz all die, I’ll just find some Jews with a better attitude to take their place!”

Difficult to keep your focus, though. Now I’m imagining a Recession in Auschwitz. Shudder! The perfect storm!

No, no, no! Don’t give in to negativity! Do you want to be one of the “happier and better” concentration camp survivors Ray B. Williams (co-founder of Success IQ University!) wrote about, or one of those loser survivors?

Just noticed the word concentration in the phrase concentration camp is hyperlinked in Ray B. Williams’ article. Hyperlink points to glossary entry (”Psychology Today looks at Concentration”) reading, “Not being able to pay attention leads to a state worse than death: boredom.”

Does anybody edit this shit?

Whatever. You know what? If you got it, I’m gonna survive it. Know why? ‘Cause I’m a survivor, that’s why! Take that, Recession! You too, Auschwitz!

And hey, Grandma. I wanna get me one of those cool tattoos — just like the one you have on your arm!

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Do we have any asses here today?

kturet — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 21:34:17 +0000

Do we have any asses here today?

“And now it’s time for the blues portion of our show,” I warned the collected faithful at Bill’s Records, mid-way through the Nov. 1, 2008, show that continues to spit out (now classic) video singles.

“This next here song’s called My Fat Ass Itches — ’cause it does.”

Guitar tip: Capo the E-chord up to the sixth fret, and you can actually play My Fat Ass Itches in the key of B-fat. Really wows the crowd!

I paused during the lead break to recommend, “This would be the time now, if you’ve got a fat ass, to swing it!

“Do we have any asses here today?”

The dance floor remained empty. These things happen either organically, or not at all.

Play it in B-fat

Get the video: My Fat Ass Itches, Live at Bill’s Records

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Another podcaster pays the price

kturet — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 08:44:30 +0000

Another podcaster pays the price

Podcast: Bugcast
Dates: March 27 and April 10, 2009
Titles: Episode 54, Episode 56
Download the show: Episode 54, Episode 56

Dave Lee probably figures he’s built a solid foundation of work and a loyal audience over 65 weekly episodes of the U.K.-based Bugcast.

I, on the other hand, have absolutely nothing invested in the chat-and-music program, and see Dave’s archive as a soundbed of coughs, sighs, belches, grunts and assorted exclamations I can combine with a few non-sequiters to completely mischaracterize his intent.

In other words, I’ve alienated another podcaster who foolishly played one of my songs (The Ballad Of Morris The Cat, on Episode 56).

On the other hand, Dave’s show is much, much funnier now!

I just can’t help myself

But to quote another long-suffering podcaster pal of mine, Big Phil, That is what I do. That is my job. Very glad to help you.

Dave’s show (recorded live most weeks) and site are remarkable for their consistency and domesticity. Kids sent off to bed for the evening, he plays an eclectic mix of music, greets the fans in the chatroom, bemoans his latest speeding ticket, introduces his wife as she wanders by the microphone, reads listener feedback, comments on news from the BBC.

He coins charming phrases. “This has prompted a bit of a chatty on the chatroom,” Dave says.

He’s controversial. “I think we are naturally a race of survivors, not of killers.”

Show notes are promptly and meticulously updated, including both links to musical artists’ sites and music source (generally podshow.com).

Thanks to Colin of the Ourobouros podcast who, while he has wisely never played any of my music, did recommend me to Bugcast.

And Dave, don’t even think about taking a lozenge before you start your show. I can get talk and music anywhere. But that hacking cough is comedy gold!

This is a happy show, isn’t it? (0:32).

I haven’t played Ken Turetzky, myself (2:05).

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Whooo! Kahn Man drops Season 5 Finale

kturet — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 23:22:27 +0000

Whooo! Kahn Man drops Season 5 Finale

Seems like its only been a century since Tyrone Kahn took up podcasting, but he’s actually concluded two seasons of the Kahn Man’s Comedy Corner.

As the Season 5 (including three seasons streaming on the Live365 network) Finale drops on iTunes, the excitable Kahn Man is already planning new business for his return in September.

Tyrone Kahn interviews Raymond and Scum’s Jeff Smith

For one thing, the Season 6 opener will introduce Tyrone’s latest single. Can’t tell you the title, but think Beatles parody, following his 2008 mega-hit Let Me Pee.

Also listen for an exclusive interview with voice artist Wally Wingert, known for his appearances on the Family Guy animated series.

10,000 downloads

Tyrone played several of my songs this season, including People I Know on the Season 5 Finale.

His show’s a hit! Following its debut in September 2007, the KMCC podcast has recorded more than 10,000 downloads (covering its first 39 episodes). Not bad for a comedy music show host who counted his weekly streaming radio listeners on both hands and feet, with his eyes and ears thrown in.

Don’t ask me why Tyrone counts that way. He just does. Now that he has a podcast, Tyrone can hardly count all his listeners. I have to help him!

Along with iTunes, listeners can find KMCC on Gcast or subscribe to the show’s FeedBurner feed.

See you in September, everybody. And as the Kahn Man says, “Keep laughing!”

We made it to Episode 20! Whooo! (0:44).

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Rosie Koonunga-Hill exposed!

kturet — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 01:41:08 +0000

Rosie Koonunga-Hill exposed!

Podcast: Comedy365
Date: February 17, 2009
Title: Chickenflaps, Episode 28

The veil has come off, and we now know that Rosie Koonunga-Hill, the voice behind the curious Chickenflaps intro, is none other than the female half of the unknown U.K. comedy team Sowerby and Luff, Georgina Sowerby.

“Originally hosted by Georgina Sowerby’s foul-mouthed Aussie alter-ego Rosie Koonunga-Hill, Chickenflaps is now produced and presented by Richard Cray. The show features the very best comedy songs from around the Internet…,” reads the Chickenflaps page on the re-designed and now nearly impenetrable Comedy 365 site.

Still don’t know why the show’s called Chickenflaps; still don’t care.

However, I’m generally pleased to report my third appearance on Chickenflaps (See Comedy 365: We ask the tough questions and Stop flapping; it’s not funny), the second with Richard Cray as host.

Those funny, funny Brits

From its mysterious title to its colloquial jokes and references to obscure publishers of romance novels, Chickenflaps is a fount of idiomatic entertainment.

Here’s this episode’s description, which I filed away before Comedy 365 wiped much of Chickenflaps’ history off the Google map:

A special Valentine’s edition of Chickenflaps with Richard Cray. Mind you, that’s “special” in the most euphemistic sense of the word. Featuring songs from Robert Lund, Carla Ulbrich, Ken Turetzsky [sic], Bob Ricci, Tom Smith, and Paul & Storm. Mills & Boon it certainly ain’t.

Cray works from a script — and most importantly, pronounces my name correctly, even if the producers misspelled it — and the show’s overall sound is professional, if not spontaneous.

“Love is in the air,” he says. “Not in a fluffy Valentine’s way. More in an obsessional and murderous Jerry Springer girlfriend-you’re-a-werewolf or some other kind of fictional creature way. None of your gushy American Idol star ballads on this show, folks, no!”

The menacing playlist includes my song, True Love (Live at Bill’s Records).

Fluffy valentine (1:03).

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RIP, Poddycast

kturet — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 05:57:41 +0000

RIP, Poddycast

Podcast: Poddycast
Date: November 20, 2008
Title: Episode 4

If only I’d gotten there sooner. I could have written a little something, promoted Marc’s show a bit, and perhaps Poddycast would still be with us.

But the U.K.-based podcast ceased production in January after 21 episodes, and its old domain returned to the soil, yielding only a 404 error.

Marc (I never got a last name) founded his show with the help of Dalecast host Steve Wheatley. From the beginning, however, Poddycast was beset with technical problems.

Although the program featured a strong intro and decent production, Marc’s nearly inaudible segues created a jolting contrast. Emphatic delivery aside, he sounded as if he were calling in his part from a submarine. And perhaps he was.

No accounting for taste

For the sake of history, please enjoy this brief segment from Episode 4, featuring my song Her Shit Don’t Stink, Live at Bill’s Records.

Betraying his bad taste, Marc also played Ben Twisted’s odorous alt-rock Vasectomy song.

That’s all, folks! (0:55).

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Google sez I’m tops in Commedy music!

kturet — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 20:23:09 +0000

Google sez I’m tops in Commedy music!

I used to try to write good content for my site, but that was before I discovered SEO.

SEO, sometimes called Search Engine Optimization, is a magical tool that uses words to trick Google into thinking your Web site is important. As a result, thousands of people visit your site and you get spectacularly rich.

It’s just that simple.

Now, regular people like me lack the skills to exploit SEO to best advantage. We must consult Twitter to find SEO specialists, or, as Hyper Nonsense co-host Shawno Gordo calls them, SEO social marketing expert genius douchebags.

Bad spellers welcome

Even without SEO, though, my site has proved quite popular for some very valuable search terms — especially among people who can’t spell.

For instance (these are actual search terms visitors used to reach my site), turetzkysyndrome.com is No. 1 among 42.3 million sites on AOL and Google for the phrase Commedy music.

Alas, spell “comedy” correctly and my site drops to No. 6. Still lands me on Page One, though!

Thanks to the rich content in posts such as this one, I’m No. 1 on Google for comedy music podcast and No. 2 for how to write a comedy song and morris the cat 9 lives song lyrics.

The term shit dont stink song delivers a 1-2 punch, and I’m No. 1 for big purple asses, No. 2 for cheesy porn music and No. 5 for fat ass from howard stern.

I’m also tops for Texaco Lunchbox, Dallas Band, referencing the short-lived group featuring me and Brandon Higgins. If we only knew we had a fan, we might never have quit.

Abu Dhabi down with the fat ass

My blog is an international phenomenon as well, placing first among stutterers on Google UK for I, I, I, got a hole in my head and I don’t know what to do with it. Google Japan lists me second for I’VE GOT A HOLE IN MY HEAD, referencing my popular song of the same name.

Most impressive, though, is the appeal I hold for repressed (I’m presuming, male) Middle Easterners, tormented by the hidden charms beneath those oh-so-sexy burkhas.

Popular search terms include, from Alexandria, Al Iskandariyah, Egypt, Fill My Fat Ass; from Ar Riyad, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, fat hairy ass; and from Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, big fat ass woman.

Who would have known? I write one song called My Fat Ass Itches and the world comes calling.

On reflection, I don’t need those silly old SEO weasels. In fact, I just might go into business for myself. You want to rank for big fat ass? I’m your douchebag!

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Whine Flu mars return to Bill’s Records

kturet — Sat, 30 May 2009 05:44:34 +0000

Whine Flu mars return to Bill’s Records

“Don’t worry about this cough. Jews don’t get the Swine Flu. We get the Whine Flu!

“Oh, my, Gawd, is this guy back again? He’s hooorrrible!” I mock-kvetched to the sparse Bill’s Records audience during my Memorial Day weekend set.

To compound the misery, Bill’s booker Becky Hyden has posted a pair of YouTube videos, where you can see me failing miserably in front of nobody.

Believe me, it’s better that way.

Becky added some fancy video edits with the help of Windows Moviemaker, though! Titles, cuts, transitions, the whole thing.

Against my better judgment, here’s the evidence:

Why Don’t You Get A Job

Let Love In

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Me and Bill make the society page

kturet — Fri, 29 May 2009 11:00:37 +0000

Me and Bill make the society page

I had just begun bombing during my Saturday set at Bill’s Records when Bill Wisener came sprinting back from his post at the front door, waving the Society page of Park Cities People.

“We made the paper! That’s me and you!” Bill exclaimed. In Chris McGathey’s candid photo from the April 24 edition, I appear to be holding up a happy but exhausted Bill, late on the second day of his 65th birthday celebration.

The bittersweet feature by Society Editor Georgia Fisher could be describing her own business as well. “Despite Industry’s Ills, Music Merchant Plays on. Bill’s Records owner not quite ready to throw in towel,” reads the headline.

To help keep Bill in the game and fill out your collection with a rare LP, CD or piece of music memorabilia, visit Bill’s on eBay.

And if you’ve got an extra quarter, drop it in the box and buy a newspaper. Get ‘em while they last!

See peoplenewspapers.com for more Bill’s birthday photos.

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