Tudor City Girl

or you can just type in comments below where to send the new blog name to! Hope to 'see' you all soon there..

2014-01-17T09:02:00.000-05:00

I'm baaaack and I was gone because

2014-01-16T21:14:00.002-05:00

my blog was found out!

E-mail me... no real names really required... tudorcitygirl@gmail.com to get to the new improved blog!
:)

Happy 2014 everyone!

Top Reasons It's Good to be Unemployed

2013-05-02T12:07:00.000-04:00

We all know I went off the deep end after losing the job from hell. Why anyone would go off the deep end after leaving such an awful job is beyond me. But hey, it happened. Again, the one professional I talked to last month who knows my whole life story told me I've just had too many blows.

We all know an attitude of gratitude is the best way to be and so I'll focus on just that here.
Because for some strange reason I woke up this morning missing the routine, the work thing, not just the paycheck but I guess the routine I once had. (Until I remember this.......)

#10. Getting on the stinky, smelly subway, with pedophile type looking guys wearing sunglasses right on top of you, packed in like a sardine and ready to have a panic attack.

#9. The crazy guy in the office next door to me who used to mumble at me, shake his head uncontrollably when I would say 'good morning' and pace back and forth for an abnormal amount of time mumbling in the small kitchen.

#8. Listening to disgruntled employees complain all day and bad mouth each other left and right. Working for the most disrespectful louses I have ever met.

#7. The lady who heated up freaking tuna fish in the microwave for lunch all the time and the fact that I never found one good lunch place downtown...ever.

#6. The jam packed sidewalks of downtown area with douchebag jerks in pink shirts flying by you
on their phones thinking they are oh-so-important.

#5. Being told by co-workers, "You are treated like such shit here, you realize that, don't you?" (yes that was constantly said to me).

#4. Entering the 'land of darkness' as I would call it on the days N. used to drive me down, as we drove to Water street on to Wall Street to the land of the soul-less schmucks.

#3. The non-stop flirting with guys and crazy stories from mentally unstable former female colleague of how she cheated on this one ex, stalked another, had another ex tell her he hated her so much he wished she would die, her narcisistic self and stories about the all exes and gosh did I feel badly for those poor exes.

#2. Sitting all day behind a computer and some days not only barely moving, but barely feeling alive.

#1 reason..
I never have to work around one of these again:

Spin it Out!

2013-02-07T13:07:00.000-05:00

I have to say the hermit lifestyle has been going quite well. It is easy and comfortable which means it is safe and as I have learned in the past, this usually means I'm living small.
On another level I do realize it is driving me bonkers. That I am making the depression worse by secluding myself from society. If this keeps up, why pay to live in Manhattan. I should just pack it all up now and go to some isolated cabin in the woods. So I did it - I kept my word to N that I would get my lazy hermit ass out and I walked on out of this building into the cold, mean streets! And you know what? It felt good. Cold but good.

Free gym passes are a treasure for the unemployed in this overpriced city.

I figured a good first step to get myself back into the mainstream is go to the gym and give my poor apartment floor a break before I make a whole in it from all these darn kickboxing moves.

I was starting to feel as if the fitness instructors on these Roku channels were like friends. For weeks it was the only interaction I would have all day. If you can call it interaction. But hey, the shows helped and now I figured it was time to take the kickboxing to the real life level.

Until I got into the class and quickly saw that I was by far the most uncoordinated person in the room. The instructor was a prick too, yelling at me. Or maybe that's just how kickboxing trainers talk but I didn't like it one bit. In fact it is the first class I ever walked out on halfway through. (Part reason is I swore I tore a back muscle on some sidekick I twisted way too hard on).

What a relief once I was out of the class. I found a quiet corner and got on the stationary bike. And then I remembered a class I did years ago, which was definitely the hardest cardio class I had ever done - Spinning. So I checked the schedule and decided to wait for the next class so I at least feel like I accomplished something with this first gym visit.

I was a bit intimidated at first. Here I was just getting out of hermit mode in a class of uber in shape bikers. Of course I went to the back row corner, loved it when the instructor turned out the lights and blared the music. Talk about a good stress reliever. This beats kickboxing.
The greatest thing about Spinning is you can totally cheat and not get caught. You can barely turn the resistance up if you don't feel like it and nobody will know. The instructor wasn't yelling at me. I felt like I actually got the best workout I've had in years, while getting a lot of the anger out too just like with kick-boxing.

Walking home I felt better than I have in a while. With endorphins going, I was walking even faster past all the workers rushing past me getting to Grand Central. A different world of isolation I have been in. So different from the thousands of people on these streets rushing from one place to another, making me realize again I have no place to be.
So I'll make the gym a place to be. A start of a routine starting tomorrow. Some people have their office, I'll have the gym.
I can see this becoming a habit.. The one routine to get me out every day. My little back corner in dark Spinning class. I'm hopeful this class might end up being the best anti-depressant of all.

Cooking Therapy

2013-02-05T10:55:00.000-05:00

Wow, this hermit thing is getting old. But hey, at least it's February. January always feels like the longest month ever. I mean May is a 31 day month but I've never wished a month of May away. Isn't it terrible to wish away a month of your life? This could have been the last January I'll ever get and all I was doing was wishing it away!

N has to go away this month. Seems a bit hesitant to leave but I promised him I will still be alive when he returns. I mean chances of anything happening to me without ever leaving this tiny apartment are next to none....Unless of course something comes flying through my window or I collapse from doing too many kickboxing shows, end up dying on the floor alone because there is nobody at a job to expect me to be there and nobody really anywhere to expect me to be..well...anywhere.

For some reason the thought of him being 3,000 miles away and not being next door makes me feel too incredibly alone. I think it has been easy being a recluse here because I know he is there. I know when his light is on, can smell the dinners cooking before he comes by, in other words I have turned into a complete and total weirdo neighbor/semi-girlfriend with zero life. I fully realized this today.

I'm willingly digging myself into a hole so deep it will be hard to get out of. I was sick 2 weeks of January and really thought the seclusion wouldn't go on to the next month. I know I should get out and volunteer. There are still many volunteer opps in the hardest hit hurricane areas. But I choose not to do anything still.

Except cook. Something about cooking is very therapeutic. Have you seen the movie Julie and Julia? I didn't like it but the idea was pretty cool. I have to read the book and find her blog, as I'm sure it is much more interesting than mine. Gives me motivation to get back to my cooking blog. It will be a hobby. Every hermit needs a hobby.

After looking up the true definition of a hermit (below). I realize I can't honestly call myself one. I am just simply in hermit mode. I'm not sure if I'll ever get out of it, but I bet I can make a mean batch of hermits (a cookie I just learned about today) to surprise N with so he sees hermits aren't all so bad.

hermit: n.

1. A person who has withdrawn from society and lives a solitary existence; a recluse.

2. A spiced cookie made with molasses, raisins, and nuts.

And here are some of my favorite quotes from Julie and Julia and my thoughts:

“Nowadays anyone with a crap laptop and an Internet connection can sound their barbaric yawp, whatever it may be." Isn't that the truth. Thank you for listening to mine.

“The nice thing about having a friend who is crazier than you are is that she bolsters your belief in your own sanity" So true again. Thank you crazy ex friends!

“I felt like a Jane Austen heroine all of a sudden, confusedly looking on at all the people she loves, their unpredictable couplings and uncouplings. There would be no marriages at the end of this Austen novel, though, no happy endings, no endings at all. Just jokes and friendships and romances and delicious declarations of independence.” Independence - a very good thing.

“Doors are going to open-doors you can't even imagine exist.” Sure as heck hope so. But first I have to open my own front door.

“Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy iMac, unless I'd rather take a nap. Feel free to hate me -- I certainly would.” Sounds pretty pompous but hey good for her.

“I never really even tried. But if I'm not a New York actress, what am I? I'm a person who takes a subway from the outer boroughs to lower Manhattan office every morning, who spends her days answering phones and doing copying, who is too disconsolate when she gets back to her apartment at night to do anything but sit on the couch and stare vacantly at reality TV shows until she falls asleep. Oh God it really was true, wasn't it? I really was a secretary.” Downright scary when I look back at what my days in that office downtown were spent doing and the shape I came home in.

“Julia taught me what it takes to find your way in the world. It's not what I thought it was. I thought it was all about-I don't know, confidence or will or luck. Those are all some good things to have, no question. But there's something else, something that these things grow out of. It's joy.” Ah yes, joy. Need to find that again.

“There are times when you just have to put their whole mess out of your mind for a while.” Ain't that the truth. Getting better with that one now, thank you.

I Loved his Attitude...

2013-02-04T09:12:00.000-05:00

“I talked to the mayor two days ago. He’s in the hospital. …. I said to him, ‘Mister Mayor, how are you feeling?’ [He replied,] ‘Stronger every day. Stronger every day.’” Mr. Cuomo recalled in a radio interview with New York Post columnist Fred Dicker. “To me, that’s the essence of Ed Koch. Stronger every day. Tomorrow’s going to be better. Optimism. Look forward. Don’t look back. You think the situation is bleak? Nah, we’re going to conquer. We’re going to win. We’re going to be better. Stronger every day. Now, he had to know where he was, right? ‘Stronger every day.’ How beautiful is that?

“If you agree with me on nine out of 12 issues, you should vote for me,” Ed Koch liked to say. “If you agree with me on 12 out of 12 issues,” he’d add, “you should see a psychiatrist.”
"I do not believe it's good for one's self-respect to be a punching bag.
You punch me, I punch back"

RIP Mayor Koch

quotes above from The New York Post article: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/king_of_the_hill_top_of_the_heap_aQiNa7YoxKxcZ6zvfMcr3L

Anger turned Inward

2013-01-31T11:01:00.000-05:00

N. has been coming by all the time lately. I figure this is because he is rather concerned he saw me the other night online looking up suicide. No, please don't go and call the Google police on me. I am not and never will be suicidal. That's the one thing and perhaps only thing I know about myself. I think all the staying in alone, the mind grows darker and so you read about...dark things.
I just never understood suicide. I read stories about young people with seemingly perfect lives jumping out of buildings and I never understood why. I guess I don't still fully understand how a person can actually do it and I was looking up reasons as to why. I'm in one heck of a deep dark hole myself but I would never consider that. All I can figure is if a person has no family or social support or maybe some underlying mental illness, maybe they plummet so low they can see no hope and no way out so they end it. In fact, going through a rough time all alone.. I can't really even imagine.

I wish these people could just push themselves through that darkest time. See the light at the end of the dark tunnel. That's what is so sad about suicide. If they just got more help, had somebody help them, they could see that one day things would get better.

Poor N. I guess when someone you care about hasn't left their home in weeks and starts looking into why people kill themselves, that is a bit disconcerting.

Lately I realize we are social beings and all of this lack of being social is quite possibly making the depression worse. I also read that depression is a form of anger turned inward. And there has been a lot of anger. So instead of getting therapy, where they will probably just put me on anti-depressants I don't believe in for myself, I will keep with the kickboxing and other anger management tactics to get it all out.

The good news is I think it is helping. Along with the yoga and relaxation breathing I was feeling and I might say looking (even though I haven't been out in sunshine in weeks) quite good and relaxed the other night. N. asked if I had taken any drugs, as in the drug they prescribed me for my back injury last year Flexerall (scary stuff, I did not like what it did to my head back then). Nope, totally drug free I told him.

Which made me think that I always thought most who took on a hermit lifestyle liked to sit home and smoke pot all day. I've actually never really done pot, tried once in my 20s and nearly choked to death. Sounds tempting to try it now but with my luck I would probably get arrested buying it. Getting hooked on it would just screw up my life more.

No, I still plan to get through this depression somehow drug free. Some might suggest an anti-depressant but I was put on those once in my 20s, as I became depressed after being a victim of a crime. All the Prozac did was numb me out, make me feel like a zombie. I guess in a way it got me through the toughest time by numbing all emotion. Tried another and no effect. I was shocked at how easily doctors prescribe these drugs. Don't need to be spending $100 a month to feel even more numb. Sure they work for some, but not for me. I just find there are other, natural ways to get my brain chemistry back in sync. I know the staying in isn't helping. But I know that for me there is some natural way out of this darkness. I can't see the end of the tunnel yet but I have to believe it is there.

Maybe the hermit lifestyle isn't the solution to the way out of this dark hole. But for now I told N it is what I need. Even with the weather finally warming up from the sub-zero temps, I still don't want to go out there to the mean cold streets.

Nothing .. I've got nothing... but The Script

2013-01-30T11:33:00.000-05:00

Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying not to drag my feet

I am absolutely obsessed with this Nothing song by The Script.
In fact nothing in life excites me anymore, except the possibility of meeting Danny O'Donoghue. I'm pretty sure I would give my right arm for that.

I haven't been obsessed with a celebrity since I was about 10 years old. Back then I spent days writing to Ricky Schroeder's fan club.
Danny's music, voice I am just obsessed with. Oh, and he looks pretty damn good too. Let me find some better eye candy now ladies...

Okay, so that's the best I could find googling shirtless pic of Danny. Hey, not perfect but still not bad, eh? I'd take it.

My latest readings on him is that he is gay. But that's okay really. Sex doesn't mean much to me these days anyway. lol

So if you're ever reading this Danny, please do contact me. Why not meet a down and out on her luck gal in New York City? It would actually bring a smile to my face and hey, I'll write a great song for you for free.

How to get fired from your job

2013-01-28T12:19:00.000-05:00

Speak up! Tell them how you really feel. Tell them all that's wrong. With management, with the company's values. I guarantee you it will work.

I actually didn't get fired. I'll say laid off. I think it was more of a forced resignation though and I did get them go give me a glowing recommendation letter. (note to others: if ever in this situation, get that rec letter!). I think we both knew it was for the best on both sides if I leave.

The company is truly crazy so I shouldn't write specifics on here. They would probably sue me for defamation. I was told I could sue them for various things but really I don't have it in me. Best to cut ties and move on without burning too many bridges.

I'll sum it up with an email a former colleague sent to me from the firm's other office location:

>"I am so glad you are out of there. You were always one of the good ones. What I witnessed at that place I still can't believe to this day and I have been gone now over a year. Their actions made me never trust or even look at people the same way".<

Ditto!

I didn't tell anyone really all of what was going on at the time. I knew I was miserable, but I kept it going. Mentally it was bearable. But physically symptoms were taking a toll - it was the constant back pain, insomnia and physical symptoms that made me realize my little salary, any salary is not worth living life this way. I told my boss there is a reason the US business had 100% turnover rate.
He told me it was simply just 'bad luck with hires'. Hahaha. Again, an egomaniac's refusal of accepting fault. I said, look in the mirror!

And that was it, there was only so much I could take. I had to bear through working with miserable, complaining people for 2.5 years straight. Deal with a loser who talked about his Italian mistress and showed up for work about 8 hours out of the week. A 50 year old who only dated 22 year old bartenders or call girls, had to talk to them on the phone in the office about what designer goods he was buying them next. (Seriously sleazebag guys, please keep your personal calls personal). Then there was the worst - the evil female who bad mouthed, back-stabbed, and compulsively lied her way to a promotion, while getting 3 people fired on her way there. This evil girl also told me she is setting the firm up for a sexual harassment lawsuit, one she has proof now after getting the company's owner drunk and making passes at her.

Really this shit you can't make up. My crazy creative mind couldn't even make it up. There is more... a lot more. But really could anyone blame me for wanting to be income-less rather than walk into that nutty place one more day?

I have to laugh it now. That last conversation I had with my boss, which turned out to be one of my last days here. I'll give my honest answers here, when at the time I held them back. So here goes, that last conversation, which really made me realize so much.

"A -- Honestly, is this really what you want to be doing for a living?" I said to him, 'why do I really seem that unhappy?!' I failed to say much else.
What I was really thinking was my job at first was constantly busy and somewhat interesting but the past year it became more boring than watching paint dry. The people so irritating that I'm not sure any sane person could keep sitting feet away from them all day. Basically I clearly knew I was in a job with a worse dead end than the dead end street I live on.

"Seems you don't like your colleagues lately". Hahaha. Like? How could I like my female colleague - the compulsive lying, cruel, mentally unstable, wrecking havoc on the office ever since she started 8 months ago? How could I like so-called 'men' with no morals and who won't even lift a finger to help me pick up a heavy box while I'm in pain from a back injury -- which went on for 1.5 years!
Like?? How could I like a bunch of people who all they do is talk badly about every single person in the firm. A bunch of guys who worship money as their god and say to those of us making a salary fit for someone right out of college that, 'you're not considered rich unless you have at least 15 million in the bank'.

Surely this was a trick question. 'Like my co-workers??' How could I like people that talked behind their co-workers constantly, some even making up lies.

'Is this what you want to be doing the rest of your life?', boss asked.
I told him my hope at the beginning was to find a firm where I could have a career at for the rest of my working years- yes, that has been my goal- I have never been a job hopping type.
He then told me that no job lasts forever. (no shit Sherlock).
I was ready to tell him his cushy job there shouldn't last 1 more day let alone forever, but I held back. I instead imagined my job lasting forever and was absolutely sure it would cut my life short by about 20 years. I thought back to how I knew this was the last place I wanted to be when 1.5 years ago there was a bomb scare at the Stock Exchange and we were all forced out of our offices, away from the windows in the hallway. I text my friend that my last moments on Earth better not be looking at these jerks. That experience made me realize I am once again doing a job with people I really shouldn't be doing. Once again, I had made the wrong choices.
But I chose to stay 1.5 years for further misery. It was my choice and really life is just that - a bunch of choices.

Last year I watched on the news a fearless Marine who died for our country. This is terrible I can't remember his name to write here. But his life story that was told on the news segment I will always remember well. His yearbook quote was something along the lines of the quote below and something I keep thinking about lately. He wrote:

'Life is made up of choices. Choose wisely'.

Antisocial Lifestyle... for a reason

2013-01-24T09:55:00.000-05:00

Going now a couple of weeks into this new hermit lifestyle and I must say I'm not really bored. My dad was home sick. He asked me why I am not dying to get back out there working again. He said 3 days home sick, in his 70s, he couldn't take it anymore and is going back to work even though still not feeling well. He said at my age he doesn't know how I'm doing it. I told him I'm actually enjoying being home, stopping short of telling him about my new commitment to a hermit lifestyle. I just told him I'll get a new job...someday.

The only thing I am starting to miss is the walking. I used to walk home every day from Wall Street. After living here almost 5 years now, still on weekends my favorite thing was to walk around the city and explore. I am working out though. On Netflix you can find some great pilates, yoga and when I'm really pissed off-- kickboxing shows. I hope the person living below me isn't home all day as they are probably thinking their ceiling is going to come crashing down with all my noisy kicks.
Picture your former crazy colleague while kickboxing. I'm telling you, it works wonders.

Not much else I need to go out for. Groceries delivered. N likes to cook amazing meals and drops them off.
Am I having a pity party? Yeah, probably. Pathetic in a way but hey, I'm depressed and I've turned inward. I know life could be a million times worse. I know I am lucky in so many ways and I have so much. I know all these things. But I feel beaten down. By life. By schmucks. I feel like I don't want to really talk to anybody ever again. People can talk to me. That's fine. N comes by to talk, my parents talk, my sister checks in every now and then to make sure I'm still alive, a couple friends, the daytime talk shows talking all day long which are most definitely THE most annoying shows in the world. Pretty soon though I feel I'm going to grow tired of people talking to me.

I'm thinking of getting a puppy. They can't talk. A little Westie. That would be great. But then again that would mean I would have to go outside. To walk him. In the cold winter. With a pooper-scooper no less.

Enough said.

No puppy.

Is the Job Market better? 2013..

2013-01-22T11:55:00.000-05:00

This Doug Savage cartoon above exactly sums it up for me. N is the one on the left.

So, after that disastrous conversation with former boss in December, I realized I better hurry and find a job. I sent out 60 resumes that one week, contacted recruiters. But hey, it was December. Now with the holidays over, it seems I am getting some calls finally. The good news for everyone - this job market is no way near as bad as it was in the awful year of 2008 when so many of us lost jobs. The bad news it is still very much an employers market for sure.

I suppose today I need to call some of these people back. It has been a couple of days and really I have had no desire to return their calls. After all, interviews mean going back out there on to those cold, mean streets. So what can a hermit do from within her own walls to make a living?
Write!

Then there is that book I was writing. Well, sure enough it stalled big time. But I'm happy to say I'm getting back to it now. What better time to finish it than living as a hermit in the cold month of January.

So those are the only 2 ideas I could come up with to make money without stepping foot outside. The other isn't exactly legal or with my morales. Haha.

I know Unemployment insurance will kick me off if they know I don't return the job phone calls.
And I'll also lose my apartment if I don't soon make an income now that the 30 days pay Crazytown Corporation gave me is running out.

So I have to call them back. It feels like getting a tooth pulled, but I know I have to.
Probably won't lead me anywhere though. So hopefully I can happily continue my hermit lifestyle through the rest of the winter. With record low temps this week I can happily say -
life as a hermit is good.

Ain't this the truth!

2013-01-18T15:07:00.000-05:00

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." -Gilda Radner

On Becoming a Hermit

2013-01-17T09:07:00.000-05:00

I guess Google is trying to tell me something. The only ads I've seen on my blog are for a depression study or joining Kabballah. Right about now the depression study sounds like a good idea. It would give me money and quite possibly figure out what the hell's wrong with me. Well wait, I know what's wrong - I'm depressed!

I've pretty much have isolated myself from the world. The city looks very nice from far above here. No desire at all to go out there on to those cold, mean streets. For someone who used to walk this city for hours, even while working, I have no desire anymore. Yes, part of the depressed feeling is from still being sick.

N. visited me. I don't think I have washed my hair in days, think I look rather pale and gaunt, resembling perhaps a rat the cat dragged in. He nicely said I looked beautiful. I can only figure he was a) thinking 'holy cow she looks like crap, I better make her feel better' or b) the guy really is in love and we all know love is blind.
N. is great. Some e-mailed me - 'what did he do?' 'You deserve better then.' Really I don't deserve better. In fact, I know deep down N is the best I'll probably ever get. He didn't do anything either, I'm happy to say. Like I said before, N is the best of the whole damn bunch.

I've just sort of broken under the stress of many things. There were about 4 different huge blows this past year and if you haven't figured out already, I don't handle tough things happening too well.

So this is how it is for a while. Lonely but safe, I guess. Safe from the creeps, assh*les and jerks in this world, in this city that seems to worship money.

I'll become a writer from up afar here. Away from it all. Possibly never coming out again. After all, groceries can be delivered, right?

I love this 'castle in the sky' I live in. Probably the best and really only good move I've made in my adult life. And right now I have no plans or desire to leave this little apartment....ever.

Why do Guys Really Disappear?

2013-01-15T11:07:00.000-05:00

So as most of you know this blog has been around a while. Even during my working time when I hardly wrote at all, amazingly the blog would get many daily hits. So I looked into what people could possibly be googling to make my little blog come up so many times. (yes, these are the sort of things you do when you aren't quite sure what else to do with your time).

#1 reason for thousands of hits: Why do Men Disappear?and then...'He disappeared, then he came back.'
Seems every day all around the world, girls will sit down at work and google away this very question.
My answer to this: Let them disappear into oblivion!

#2: Eharmony -- a bad joke?
Yes, I believe I titled a posting exactly that once. Sorry but still
to this day I cringe when I see that quack doctor Neil Warren on the
commercials.
(to be fair/realistic, sure this site works for some but not for many)

#3: How to Become a Positive Person
Apparently one day years ago I actually wrote about this. I got my
only laugh of the day when I saw this one. Apparently worked real
well for me, huh?

#4. Should you Google your date?
Google away! The more you date, the more your chances of one day
finding out something shocking. But hey, knowledge is power and we all
know there are too many liars out there.
Googling led me to find the guy I was seeing once for 4 months was actually two-timing
the entire time, and then got engaged.

#5.How to Manifest Your Soulmate

These hits come from the farthest away of places - Madyeh Pradish
(India?); Pakistan, Tanzania, Zimbabwe. Good Lord, some other places
I'm ashamed to say I've never even heard of.
Seems a popular search item in the far away lands. All I can say is I
hope it helps them. I remember writing that soon after 'performing'
my manifesting my soul mate 'rituals' while on a solo trip in Argentina.
I remember returning to New York City thinking I had just spent way
too much time alone in a country I didn't speak the language, and
quite possibly was past my last straw with the whole dating thing. It
was right after that I had what was definitely the strangest date of
my lifetime - a 20 minute coffee date at Starbucks down the street
with someone who told me he was released from the military for violent
reasons, but I am quite positive he was released from a sanitarium. I
am pretty sure it was right then and there that I swore off dating
forever.
Until two months later when the out of the blue, and rather bizarre
way of meeting N happened.

So what do I think now of that Manifesting your Soul mate stuff I
tried? Though N and I are on the rocks, I still know he is the
greatest guy I ever could have met. And I have to say, maybe, just
maybe that hocus pocus stuff worked.
Because friends, when you're down and out you have to believe. In
something. Anything good.
To get you through the bad things that are only bound to happen.

Best ways to get through job loss

2013-01-14T11:22:00.000-05:00

Malbec, food, working out. In that order.

I realize even though I wanted out of Crazytown I had to go to every day, the loss of routine actually does cause grief. I copied below what I found online, if you, yourself are finding yourself newly unemployed. Shock? Yep, pretty much shock that I could complain about the wrong things that were going on there and then be shown the door.
Anger? Let's just say doing daily kick-boxing isn't even helping to release the anger. (I highly recommend this workout as it is great to do if you visualize former boss/crazy co-workers face as you are punching into the air).
Sadness. Yeah- at losing my routine. Cry? No way. I wouldn't shed a tear over that place.
There were people in the remote offices I really liked and enjoyed working with. The nice receptionist, I miss our talks. That's all I miss though, besides the paycheck and the endless supply of hot cocoa and green tea.
Reality. Well, you guessed it. This 'stage' will take a while for me to reach.

Phase 1: Shock

Whether you've gotten advanced notice of a lay-off or an immediate dismissal, you will most definitely experience a shock in being separated from your job. Shock is a difficult emotion to describe for the person experiencing it. The immediate emotion is sometimes a strange sense of "calm"-especially if rumors of lay-offs existed previously; employees are merely relieved that they no longer have to wonder about their jobs. Others who have secretly harbored a desire to leave their positions may even feel oddly "thankful" for a way out. For the most part, the shock will be different for each person, and can last anywhere from a few days, to a few weeks. The best thing to do is to let the shock settle in. Embrace whatever emotion sets in first. It's important to take the time to get through this phase. This is perhaps the wrong time to make any swift life-altering decisions.

Phase 2: Anger

Most people, despite complaining about their jobs, don't wish to leave them unless it is by choice. When companies decide to "restructure" their organizations, the decision will always upset those affected by the decision. Being dismissed from a job is a huge blow to the ego. Even if you're confident in your performance, the ultimate feeling left behind is that you were somehow not good enough to keep your job. It is at this point that anger sets in. You may find that you resent your managers, directors, and even fellow co-workers. Vent, and vent often. You will need to completely purge yourself of these emotions in order to move forward. Anger is an emotion that makes former employees feel like lashing out at others, especially those "responsible" for the job loss. Find a counselor, therapist, or trusted person to talk about your feelings with. Remember that in today's job market, there is a chance that you might see some of your former coworkers in another work setting; burned bridges may later prevent you from moving ahead.

Phase 3: Sadness

After you have purged yourself of any bitterness about the snag in your career, you will probably be overwhelmed with sadness. It is not uncommon for people to break down into tears very easily, even if not immediately provoked. The separation from your normal routine may cause you to feel lost and disconnected from society. Feelings of self-pity may creep in, especially as you watch those around you continuing on normally in their daily lives. Allow yourself to cry whenever you feel the need. The tears are a direct response to any subconscious emotions that have continued to build since you discovered the news. If the feelings become too overwhelming, seek out a trusted friend to be your sounding board. It is during this time that you'll need moral support to help you gain perspective.

Phase 4: Reality

As you try to pick up the pieces, you will most definitely deal with recurrences of the previous three emotions. But as they alternate in your subconscious, the fog will begin to clear, and your immediate needs will become apparent. During this phase, you'll start to mentally address all the tedious details involved in survival. Knowing that a disruption in income will present certain problems, for most people this period will be the most important and perhaps the most difficult. To avoid feeling too overwhelmed by the "trivial" details of life, take out a sheet of paper and jot down all the immediate concerns that come to mind. Rent/mortgage, car payments, and

You've gotta get up and try and try and try...

2013-01-10T13:00:00.000-05:00

You've gotta get up and try..and try...and try

I love this Pink song.

Although it's for the best losing this job, maybe because it is the dead of winter, I haven't experience the high I was expecting from being free of such a depressing, dysfunctional place.

Being on this break with N sure hasn't helped matters either.

After the layoff of 2005, I soon found myself elated. I would walk the city 9 hours a day on Cloud 9. Free and happy.

The past week I wake up every morning at 3 am totally depressed. Confused.

and then I turn on this song...... and remember: The only choice that is left right now is getting up and trying... try to find better...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTCDVfMz15M

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You've just gotta.....

2013-01-08T17:10:00.002-05:00

Macy's says it all!

new year goals

2013-01-04T19:21:00.000-05:00

The IntenSati Method, 7 secret principles to thinner peace. If not now, when?

What a great time of year this is! It feels like the opportunity to have a fresh new start. Are you ready to make this year your best year yet? Why not make this year a year dedicated finally doing what you really want to do? What if this is the year you finally do lose the weight, get healthy, find the job of your dreams or play and enjoy life more often? If not now, when?

How many times have you set new years resolutions just to find the excitement of making the change wearing off after just a few days? Well, I would like to give you some tips to help you fuel your passion and enthusiasm because if you learn to keep your inner fire lit, you will have the energy to keep taking powerful positive steps in the direction of your dreams.

Remember last year when you celebrated the beginning of 2009, time flies and this year is not different. In a snap of a finger it will be 2011. Don't let this year go by without doing that thing you really want to do! Why not make this truly your best year yet? Aim for success!

Step 1
1. A clear goal.
Pick one thing that you have a burning desire to accomplish, become or create. Your deep desire is your fire and it will help you accomplish great things if you fan the flame. Remind yourself every day how much you want it, you want it, you really really want it!!

2. Take action
You need an action plan. Do not worry about making it perfect just put a plan down on paper. Put down the things you can do right now to get started. No matter how big or small the actions are, write them down and start checking them off your list. As you move forward you will have new ideas and you can keep adding to your list. Take the first action by writing the plan. No plan no power!

3. Become obsessed by it
Those people that are successful in creating and living a life they love in a body they love are focused. They keep their attention on the final outcome that they want, always. Post your goal where you can see it, memorize it, fantasize about it, imagine it, create a vision board and keep the end result always in the forefront of your mind.

4. Be the master of your fate
Tell your mind what you want over and over and over again. When you repeat to yourself what you want it is like plugging into your GPS system your final destination. Your subconscious mind is your GPS system. It needs to know where you want to do and will find the faster route for you to get there. If you make a wrong turn it will guide you back on track. Your subconscious mind is your spiritual mind. Use your conscious mind to plug in the final destination and then follow your plan and your intuition.

5. Discipline or self control
Without mental discipline or self control you are the slave not the master of your mind. You must develop the ability to doubt your doubts, to affirm your faith in the laws of the universe, in yourself and in your abilities. When you hear yourself doubting yourself practice changing your mind, shifting your focus, When you meet with failure, never, ever, ever give up! Use self control to give a powerful and positive meaning to the situation and find the lesson and get up again.

6. Value yourself
When you value and respect yourself you stop settling for mediocre. You get what you settle for. Remind yourself their is nothing more important than that you become who you want to become and there is no one in your way but you. You can do, be and have anything you desire if you are willing to build the right mental attitude. You CAN do it, of course you can. Find value in yourself and in this life and you will be of great value to the world.

7. Stay inspired!
This is your duty! Stay inspired! Read books, look for others who have succeeded who are a positive role model. This will help you fuel your positive mental attitude instead of your negative one. If you don't work to stay inspired then when the going gets tough, and it will, you will not have the fuel or the confidence to keep going. Keep the burning desire to succeed alive!

May you remember how incredible you are. You can do it. Of course you can, if you believe.
If not now, when?
Love
Patricia

Old With the Old, In With the New! (hopefully soon)

2013-01-02T12:18:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!

May 2013 be a MUCH better year for all those who need one. I'm wishing much happiness, good health and good things to come to each of you this new year. Would be nice if they come to me too. haha
I'm starting the year off with no job (yes, it all went from beyond nutty to beyond tolerance/comprehension), no boyfriend (I think thanks to NYE fight. Have I ever told you I can't stand NYE?) and I am pretty sure no car. (the one time I actually need it for a while, it has broken down).

But more on all that soon. Think it's time for TCG to hit the manifesting book again I read years ago as well as pound out 100 resumes today.

On the bright front, I still have hope. Hope is the one and the only thing that will never die.

Happy New Year!

Something we will never understand

2012-12-22T21:04:00.001-05:00

In Newtown, CT there are 27 white wooden angels placed on a lawn in memory of the innocent little victims and amazing, heroic adults. Angels on Earth and now in Heaven.
It is a sad Christmas time in Connecticut indeed. There are no words.
All I can say this holiday season, is everything else now seems so little and unimportant.

Count your blessings.

May all the beautiful souls rest in peace and watch over their loved ones always~

A Little Christmas Spirit in NYC

2012-12-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

I left with a box of my belongings, passing the Wall Street Christmas tree - really the only thing I have ever liked during my 2.5 years working downtown, and snapped a photo. I don't know if I'll ever be back to my office. I had a 2 week vacation planned and they still haven't given me my final date. But I have a feeling I won't be returning. For some reason I can't add the photo here, but it's a beautiful tree. Rather sad this year as there is the tree all lit, and just blocks away so many businesses and apartment buildings are not set to reopen for months, maybe never.   There is a sad sort of energy downtown. The tree really is the only bright spot.

After the shock set in, I'm grateful to say N. has been very supportive. He saw I was quickly losing myself..my sanity from what was going on in that crazy place. So I know this is for the best. He just wishes my timing was a little better. See friends, I didn't exactly think this through. I just simply couldn't take it all anymore. It looks like I was just 2 weeks away from bonus time. Oh yeah friends, my timing was off.
Ha ha ha. Ho, ho, ho.
I trust Santa will be good to me this year.   After all, I really do believe that when you tell the Universe - no more of this being treated like total sh*t- the Universe will send better things your way.

Now this time around unemployment won't be as hard. As you remember, last time I was living in the city only a couple of days. I didn't know anyone here. Heck, I hadn't even had a date that could be considered halfway decent in about 5 years. Things were looking bleak. And in 2008, it would turn out to take a full 2 years to find another job.

But I made it through. This time I have a wonderful boyfriend, thank God.
And you know what else? I figure I am so lucky to have my parents, a couple of good old friends and it will all be alright in the end.

Family, friends, good health are all that really matter. This entire city seems too money obsessed. I need to get far away from Wall Street and the whole mentality. I need to get away from the most wrong actions I have ever seen in an office environment. Once I am away from it all, I know I will feel so much better.

Walking back from our favorite comfort Japanese food place, I was sort of in a daze from it all. For a few moments thinking in my old self-pity way. Pathetic, really but hey it still happens with me. I kept thinking why did this new person have to join the team, why did all what happened have to happen to completely drive me out of there? Why/how as my friends asked do I end up in such crazy companies? In my self-centeredness, I completely ignored a homeless man on the cold street, who must have very quietly been asking for change in his cup. N. heard him and after we passed by he says, 'hold on'.   He hands out bills to the guy, who has his head all the way down.
I've never seen anyone's head lift up so fast! The guy then jumps up like a little kid and starts shouting, "Thank you, Thank you, sir.. I can get a dinner...a real nice dinner now!" Continued to shout 'thank you' over and over.  N. almost starts running past, and I turn back and say to him "Merry Christmas", and see the lady who was behind us smiling.

Just a nice Christmas in New York moment. Reminding me friends, that it's the little things that sometimes mean so much to people. It's the little things that matter most. And in a city that I sometimes feel has so many selfish, creepy people. I have to remember that there are some really good ones in this town too.

Merry Christmas~

Take this Job and Shove It!

2012-12-12T15:03:00.000-05:00

Holy cripes almighty. It has all snowballed so out of control.
Why....why dear Lord do I end up at such crazy companies? Our only person who has a somewhat HR function in our Germany office never called me for our meeting. So I ended up talking to the boss again.

And yes, it went terribly again. But I got a sort of rush out of it. Ten years ago I never would have spoken up like this and stood up for myself...ever. This is the good thing about getting older. I said it all, let everything out. Yes, this is a surefire way to get fired but it felt damn good. I'm not sleeping at night, I've developed this weird and annoying trait of teeth grinding, I am afraid my back teeth will soon be worn down to nothing from this anxiety. NO job is worth feeling this way. I am a mess when I come home at night and think N barely recognizes who I've become.
So I let it all out and it felt great. Felt like that JetBlue flight attendant who leaped out of that plane after telling everyone how he really felt about his job. Luckily I didn't end up in a mental ward afterwards. Instead I practically skipped down to the water by the Brooklyn Bridge. I felt so free and liberated! I thought about taking the ferry home..never going back.
I was belittled many times during our talk, though I was told my job performance for almost 2.5 years was 'excellent'. ? I was completely put down for asking for a raise since I have never gotten one. I thought I could at least get a 2% out of him. Then I raised my concerns about the quite possibly insane colleague who is bullying and making the place miserable... How I can't work under such conditions. How just about nobody is left in the office. And you know what he said? 'Well, there is nothing I can do about the working conditions if you are unhappy. I fired people and if that didn't improve it, there is nothing left for me to do. Your salary is fine the way it is, good for NYC (my role definitely earns 25k more, I researched it) And I am not replacing those who got fired or quit. We are taking on a new strategy here soon".

Oh no- this did not sound good. So I asked if my role is part of that new strategy.

Not good news, my friends. Turns out TCG is looking at the unemployment line again. Yeah, gotta love corporate America. Merry Christmas!

Tell the Boss How You Really Feel

2012-12-06T11:49:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought it all couldn't get any nuttier....it does.

The only thing I have seemed to manifested is telling my boss to his face exactly how I feel. This I imagined for weeks. It came true today. And no, it didn't go well. But how else would a self-centered, narcissist take all the criticism I have told him as to explain why 95% of his team is gone within 2 years. With pure denial, of course.

So I contacted my old office mate- the one who lasted that first long winter there, where he was depressed over his ex (psychotic) 23 year old girlfriend (he is 44), and his equally psychotic boss (now gone, of course). He is in a new job now, making about 5 times the salary. He replied to me, "at my age I have learned to assume that everyone will become problematic. It doesn't matter.. I believe December 21st is the end of the world anyway. So in a few weeks it will all be over. But just in case, here is my buddy's name- a real good employment attorney".

Ugh. I hate attorneys.

But do I need one? Perhaps. As something is going on that is well, not exactly within employment law.

So I have a meeting tomorrow and really I feel my days are numbered.........Might just be returning to my unemployed days. N seemed horrified at the thought. But you know what? Feeling liberated from the craziness of it all might just be worth feeling broke in NYC.........again..

Last (wo)Man Standing

2012-12-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Holy Mother of crazy jobs has it been a crazy past couple of weeks. Most of the team has either quit, or gotten fired - the worst way -- out of the blue. The craziest of crazies of them all is left (no, not me).. my surely psychotic colleague. 90% of the team is gone. My work days are getting u-n-b-e-a-r-a-b-l-e.

I'm told it's a pretty bad market still. But can't be nearly as bad as it was in 2008 and 2009 when I was unemployed. I'm willing to do anything (well, almost anything) to get myself the hell out of there.
I'm even going to try that envisioning stuff I used to do... Manifesting. Hey, it might have worked with N. Some other things too, although what I supposedly manifested turned out to be a heck of a lot different than I envisioned.

Every day I walk past this large office building 2 blocks down from my apartment. They light up all the trees on the street and have a beautiful Christmas tree with tons of donated toys and little bicycles underneath. When I see employees coming and going from this place they actually look happy. They're smiling. Talking to one another. Not like the miserable faces I see entering my building every morning. They probably do well there too and are generous. Not like the soul sucking cheapskates at my place who a ton of money but refused to donate to the charity for the hurricane victims I, and colleague (who was fired, of course) donated to.
So I'm envisioning myself working at that magical (so I like to think) building -- or somewhere like it.

I don't know much but all I do know is life shouldn't be spent miserable with awful people all day long.
We see these work people more than we see our significant others or parents. Heck, there has to be more to my life than pushing paper all day, stuck in a cage like environment with crazy people
I just have to finally start to find it.....

Quotes and tips

2012-12-01T19:14:00.000-05:00

Being with you is just like being with myself, only better.

The relationship has always been my refuge.

For the first time, I felt I was really living in the moment. I did not know where my life was going but the future did not trouble me.

You respect yourself enough to focus on the little things in life. Celebrate the every day by making it momentous.

When sad, I go into churches. I love the dark and all the candles lit with the waxy scent and hope in the air.

Every night I go out to walk, trying to tire myself enough to sleep.

You're not going to Thailand. You're running away. It's easier than than deciding what to do with your life.
You're drifting, waiting for something to happen so you don't have to make up your mind.

How could they possibly think I have enough experience for this job?
You know more than you think. Why wouldn't you take this job?

I gradually became less numb. I slept dreamlessly. I was slowly coming back to life. I knew it was a long time before I could become happy, but I was beginning to understand that such a time might come.

I needed to find out that sometimes even your best isn't good enough. And that in those time you have to give it everything you've got. And then move on.

A lot of work, but worth it. They remind me that life is full of surprises - and that there is always hope.

**
Having a positive attidue prepares you to take the next steps toward change:

Make an honest assessment of yourself and what you're willing to change about yourself and your behavior.
Determine what you need to do to accomplish those changes.
Muster up the discipline needed to make it all happen.
Avoid getting discouraged along the way.

Look at obstacles as opportunities and challenges as a chance to show Take pleausre in persvering, that's what separates those people who keep pushing forward from those who throw in the towel. Delight in each small victory.

Feel good abou selves for their self-discipline and their self-esteem, along with their motivation, grows. Perseverance is born out of affirming each small accomplishment along the way to a larger goal.
Here's what it takes to be the optimistic and confident person you need to be to succeed:
focus on the good things that happen in your life each day rather than the bad. What went right oday? What things did you do to benefit yourself? If things went wrong, going over what you would have done differently is the best way to learn.
You can work to change and vow to do better tomorrow.

You dont have to be brn with a glass-is-half-full attitude, you can develop one. Positive change can be one of the best experiences of your life.

Find joy in each triumph, big or small.

If there is any seret to success, it's this: be honest with yourself and those around you. Take responibility for your actions and your life. Think of the commitments you make to youself as sacred and honor them in the way that you honor your commitments to other people. Identify what it is you really want from life, realize you deserve it, and think positively about your ability to get it.
Make your plan, have the inner stength to stick to it and claim the life you deserve!