trippin through life

The engagement/elopement/I don't know

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 23:54:00 +0000

YAY!

It made me so happy to get all the comments about what people wanted to hear about! Oh how I have missed you guys:)

As you can probably guess the whole engagement/elopement won out as the first "comeback" post.

I just have to say one thing before i get to the storytelling. I have to come clean.

I am a procrastinator.

I know...you probably already knew that and if I look into past posts - I am sure I mentioned it.

However, I just had to say it again. So often I put off doing a post because I am not feeling my "creativity." I always think I have to be witty or have cute pics to go with the post and by me putting this pressure on myself to be creative often to ends up me not blogging for long periods of time.

So you know what? I'm done with that. You are going to have to take me as I am even on my crappiest of creative days.

What I am getting at is that today is one of those days...actually the last few days have been that and I didn't want to put this off any longer waiting for just that "right time".

So your just going to have to deal with it!

(actually, you are probably saying to yourself "IF those past posts were creative, then I hate to see what this one is going to be!")

and you are probably right!

Anyways......

on to the story!!

OK.... The Duke and I have been talking marriage for quite some time and would say things like "when we get settled in our jobs, we will get engaged"

or

"when we are more financially secure, we will get engaged",

or

"the holidays are always a great time to get engaged."

But you know as well as we know that there is never that "perfect"time. So a couple of weeks ago we were out to eat and we started talking about when it would be a good time to get engaged and then we realized that at this rate we were NEVER going to get married!! So after some drinks we were like " Hey lets just go get married!!" and you know what? We basically did just that!

The next day The Duke called up the courthouse to talk to them about getting married there that day. (yes, romantic..I know:)

But I didn't know he was going to call. We didn't make very specific plans the night before - we were just like "YEAH!" lets do it!"

Anyways, Duke calls me at work and tells me to come home....not sure why...I came home.

Duke tells me that he set it all up!! We can go get married at the courthouse that day!!

You could have knocked me over with a feather....seriously....

So like two excited little kids - we start racing around the house, Duke calls my dad for permission ( insert awwww.... here) , we change our clothes and off to the courthouse we go.

In the midst of running around I look at the Duke and I say:

Me: "Hey, what are we going to do for rings?"

Duke: "We need rings?"

Me: "Um, yeah!!!"

Duke: "Yeah, didn't think about that"

So we go scurrying through my jewelry chest and I pull out this 3 dollar huge-ass fake diamondette ring...that has an adjustable back. Bling! Bling!

( actually it was bigger and gaudier than this ring!) ( Is gaudier a word?)

And then...

The Duke pulled out his High School Class Ring ( the only ring he owns) and we were back in business!

BTW....the class ring only fits his pinky now!

So we go off skipping to the courthouse, proud as two peacocks that we were doing this uber adult thing...like an adult rite of passage... when we came face to face with the Courthouse Lady!

Duke: "I called earlier. We are going to get married today"

Courthouse Lady (looking at us like we are craazzy) : " your what?"

Duke: "Getting married"

Courthouse Lady: "Sir, we don't do weddings here"

Duke: " Well I spoke to someone and they said we could pay the extra 5 dollars to have it done today"

Courthouse Lady: " Were you talking to them about a Marriage License?"

Duke: "yeah"

Courthouse Lady: " Sir, that does not mean that you can get married today. It just means that you can get your license today by paying the extra 5 dollars instead of waiting the three days."

Duke: nothing... just looking very confused

Me: utterly embarrassed

Courthouse Lady;" We can get you the license today but the courthouse does not do weddings"

Duke: still looking confused

Me: "we will take the license"

Lady goes to get the paperwork...

I start to die laughing....Duke too...

Lady comes back and we fill out all the forms and pay our money, dot our I's , cross our T's and we get handed our OFFICIAL Marriage License!!

and...

Duke then looks at the courthouse Lady and says, (no lie) " So does this mean we are married?"

I just put my head down on the counter

Poor guy...he just doesn't get it!!

I'm going to end here since this is getting long! I guess you will have to come back to find out what happened next!

Till next time...

Lady Jane

I'm baaaccckkkk!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 22:04:00 +0000

Ugh.... I have no idea how to even start this!

For starters this is my first time even logging into blogger since....well, my last post!

SO many things have happened since then and to be totally honest the past month I have been avoiding coming back because I felt SO guilty!!

I honestly didn't think that it would really matter that I hadn't posted in awhile so you can imagine my shock and (horror!!) when a month ago I logged into my trippinthroughlife email and I saw e-mails and comments left on my last post wondering where the hell I was and some people thinking that something happened to me. ( was that a run-on sentence, or what?) I probably should have logged on right then and wrote "I'M NOT DEAD!!" but did I? Well, we all know the answer to that one. Instead, I tried to think of something that I could say that would make me not posting for 3 months all OK and nobody would be mad.

YES, I worry that much about what people think. Yes, even people I have never met. Sheesh!

And I came up with NOTHING. A whole month of thinking of just that right thing to say and ....nothing.

Today - I just thought to hell with it - I'll post anyways.

I have no idea where to even start....ALOT has happened. So what I've decided to do is list a bunch of things that have been going on and then all of you can leave a comment saying what you want to hear about first and we will just play it like that:)

OK...HERE WE GO!

1) Another hospitalization
2) a very awkward situation regarding a toilet
3) I quit my job
4) I got new eye glasses
5) I got engaged
6) I started my own business
7) I bought a wedding dress ( a month before I got engaged)
8) The Duke and I are official RVer's (not sure if that is a word)
9) The Duke and I eloped
10) I now steal toilet paper and taco sauce packets
11) I made the Duke very upset.....( this doesn't happen much)

So chime in..... what do you want to hear about. Give me your top 3!

Missed you!! Honestly I did:)

The Lady Jane

Hospital part deux

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 14:40:00 +0000

Hello Lovelies!

I'm back...did ya miss me?? even if you didn't...tell me ya did because I missed you!

Well...I am back in the hospital due to another stupid infection. Boo....

I had a few letters I needed to write regarding my current hospital stay. Tell me what ya think:)

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Lovely Judith (roomate numero uno)-

When they first wheeled me up to the room and was confronted with the fact that I was not getting a private room and once again would have a roommate , I was crestfallen. I couldn't see you at this time because of the curtain being closed so I stealthy whispered an inquiry to the nurse as to whether you had to use a bedside commode. I was thrilled when the answer was
"no sweetheart she doesn't" followed by a stifled laugh and I was a happy camper again.

After sharing a room for a day I started to pick up on your "classy lady" vocabulary like when you said to the nurse " I voided three times today" when she asked "How many times did you urinate today". Voided instead of pee'd... very classy. I also found it interesting that you used the word " stool" instead of shit or poop. My favorite was when you informed the doctor that you have been expelling gas...i thought that was just too cute.

I also want to tell you that I appreciated that you were quiet and your visitors were very respectful and I really loved the fact that you took them down to the garden area to do your visiting...you seriously rocked!!

So why did you have to go????

Please come back...I now have Mary and she doesn't use these cute words and have nice manners.

I miss you Judith

Love,

Lady Jane

Dear Roommate #2 ( Mary)
-
I had high hopes for you..... **sigh**

When the nurses aide informed me that I was going to be getting a new roommate I immediately asked "Does she have to use a bedside commode?" and I almost wept with joy when she said "No she doesn't have those types of issues. She is around her late 40's and is having kidney type pain"

So you see I was feeling good about you.

When you were brought in on the stretcher and you where making all sorts of howling noises due to pain... I was feeling empathy towards you. When you were flashing me your goodies, I thought to myself ...(Self - she just isn't used to wearing the hospital gowns and due to the pain she isn't thinking about closing her legs.)

See Mary, I get it!

And let me tell you I thought you were the cats meow when the nurses aide brought in a bedside commode for you because she thought it would help since you were short of breath and in a lot of pain AND you said that there was no reason to have one because you can walk just fine. I loved it and you!!!! So imagine my surprise and horror when I started hearing what sounded like rain hitting inside an empty bucket!

Oh no...I knew exactly what that sound was...you were VOIDING ( in the words of the great lady Judith)!!!!

WTF?!

I thought you said there was no reason to have one?! I thought you said you can walk just fine?!
I tried to be calm and told myself that maybe, just maybe you were having lots of difficulty breathing and you were having the worst pain of your life and there was no way you could have made it to the bathroom....but then soon after your little commode session I heard ya dialing up Cathy ( or whatever her name is) and started talking without gasping for breath and without screaming out for someone to put you out of your misery. Nope...you were calling to check on your doggies.

Some might say I should be relieved it wasn't stools being left and you were just voiding, but even voiding smells really bad....very bad.

(picture of Mary's commode...under the window)

You know what bothered me the most? It was that after you voided in the commode you NEVER EVER called anyone to come in and flush it down the toilet! You just let it sit in there until the next time you voided and then you just added to it and just kept doing it until I assume the bucket was full. One word for ya Mary ....GROSS! You are gross!

I do have a question for you. Remember that time when your fiancee' was visiting and during your conversation you decided to use the commode and I heard him ask you "Do you not use toilet paper with that thing?" what did you reply? I couldn't hear you. All I know is that got me to thinking that I never heard you rip off toilet paper when you used the commode. I kept thinking about this, so when you went to get your cat scan I pulled back the curtains and scanned your side of the room for the elusive toilet paper and guess what? I didn't see ANY!

Please explain this to me.

I also know that you have never requested any toilet paper because I have been in here the entire time. So what are you using? Please tell me you are using something and just not drip drying...I just don't think I could handle that.

Sincerely,

Lady Jane

Dear. Ashley ( my favorite nurses aide)

Ashley, I think you are fantastico!! You are brilliant and such a sly, sly woman. When you came to change Mary's bedding while she was out and exclaimed that it was "not right" that she had a bucket full of pee and also had the lid up for it to smell up the room, that was awesome. I jumped on that bandwagon as quick as I could.

When you came an hour later with some homemade air freshener to set around my room...I wanted to jump out of my bed and run and hug you! I think my unending thank yous got my point across pretty well though.

(picture of the homemade air freshener...see the cup of liquid behind the hat)

My favorite part though was when you had your talk with her about making sure she tells someone when she has used the commode because it is unsanitary and encouraged her to get up and walk to the bathroom because it would be good for her. YAY!!!!!!!

I will end this letter saying you will make a rockin' registered nurse:)

Your Loyal Patient,

Lady Jane
Signing off from her sugar cookie smelling room

What in the world????

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 14:17:00 +0000

Hey Everyone!!!!

There sure has been a lot of poop/gas/burp talk on here lately so I am not going to talk about any of that today.

You don't have to thank me....because the following might make somepeople feel a little ill.

I was engaging in one of my favorite pastimes....browsing on ETSY...sigh...me love.

Not everything on the site is beautiful and fantastic...there is definitely some questionable items but I came across one shop that I just HAD to post about.

No...I will not put the name of it. Its bad enough I'm posting pics of her creativity with nasty comments. I'm not going to completely throw her under the bus. Not my style...

So with my heart full of joy and looking for a gift to buy for myself ( its been a hard summer so far...but you already know that)

I stopped dead in my Internet surfing tracks when I came across this shop.

I think why it stood out so much to me, is that people actually bought this stuff and posted feedback on how much they liked it and couldn't wait to wear it to a bridal shower/party/or date night. Hmmmm. ... is all I have to say.

OK, OK...I will get on with the pics!

First up...

front

back

I don't think this dress above will do anything for your hips...just sayin'

2nd pic... Btw..the italicized blurb under the pic is what the designer wrote about the dress

this dress has a pleated bust made of yellow satin to represent the sun, the bodice is made of light blue satin to represent the sky and is quilted with flowers and has some yo yo flowers attached, the belt is green satin to represent the grass and is also quilted, the skirt is brown satin to represent the soil. This dress is a halter and is a size 10.

Sorry ladies, the above dress has been sold:(

3rd pic...

front

Back

The lady who bought the above dress said she was wearing it to a baby shower.
A BABY SHOWER??? Who wears something like this to a baby shower??

4th pic....

this is a very comfy and soft dress, it is a size 16. This pattern has won an award and is very original(see one of my other listings called the cross dress).

I have to question the award that this dress apparently won...Hmmm...

5th pic....and My FAVORITE!!!

Just like the movie 27 dresses, what would you do if you had to have 18 bridesmaid dresses hemmed?, sew them all to one dress of course! this is a size 10 dress

UM....NO!!!

I have been in 20 weddings and I would NEVER sew them all together. "Of course" ?? sheesh

However....

If I'm wrong and there is some of you that like these dresses and you want to purchase one for yourself.....

Well,

Your on your own!!!!

Love ya Sweets!!

The Lady Jane

TMI Thursday: the bedside commode

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 13:57:00 +0000

Hey everyone!!!! Happy TMI THURSDAY!!

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know it has been a long time..2 weeks I think! If you remember from my last post I was in the hospital due to my leg and I actually ended up being in there for awhile ( IV antibiotics..the reason).

Well I was in there long enough to have another roommate...

I got Jean 2.0

Jean left and I did a little dance of joy as I had the whole room to myself. However, I was quickly assured by the nursing staff that the bed would probably be filled by the end of the day due to the hospital being at its capacity and the ER being full.

Sigh.. but I had high hopes for next my roommate...I mean she couldn't be as annoying as Jean.

Right? WRONG!!

Her name was Glenda.

Glenda was very nice, however, if I dare to say way GROSSER than Jean.

Glenda was in her mid 40s and had come to the hospital for stomach pains...I'm sure you can see where this is going.

There is sooo much I could write about Glenda and her antics but I will just tell ya of the **highlights** of her stay.

On her first night she had to drink this nasty stuff called "Go-Lightly" for her colonoscopy. I can attest to the fact that it is beyond disgusting but it is doable and I didn't think that the drama that ensued that night was all necessary but whatevs..

"Go Lightly" plain and simple is to make you shit and clear you out completely for the test. ( The name is totally ironic..ha ha)

Glenda was extremely over weight and because of this she said it was very difficult to get out of bed very fast and she was afraid of not making it to the bathroom...when I heard this I wanted to scream because I knew what this meant...

a COMMODE!!!!

Ugh...come on! Seriously people HER bed is right next to the bathroom. The commode sat right next to the door of the bathroom. She would have only had to walk like 3 more feet and BAM she is there, but Noooooo she got the bedside commode!

So for the whole night (7pm until 9am to be exact) I was treated with crying and hysterics about the fact that she "could not drink anymore of this shit and that it was too nasty". ( shit being a theme, I guess)
Several nurses had to come in and give her pep talks which then led into threatening because Glenda started refusing to drink anymore...

As soon as you start drinking this stuff you start pooping and lord have mercy did she ever!!!

There was only a curtain between us and I swear all the farting, shitting, squirting was about enough to make me puke but what was WAY worse was the smell!! OMG the smell!

My room stank so bad! I had my nose covered with the sheet and I was putting my good smelling lip gloss under my nose. Finally the nurses had to come in about every hour 1/2 to spray down the room. Which then just made it smell like pine -sol and shit.

So this went on all night!

When the nurses came to empty the contents...they had to flush the toilet 10 times to get it all down.

Yes...I counted the flushes.

There wasn't much to do. I also took notes on my iphone and I recorded Glenda talking and groaning to herself ( she did this a ton) ...but I have no idea how to upload it on here. Sorry...

Anyways, Glenda went for her test the next day and I THOUGHT that it would be the last of the bedside commode...um no.

She wanted to keep it because now her knee was bothering her. I thought I was going to SCREAM!!! The worst was is that the next day was my birthday and I knew I was going to have a lot of visitors.

Awkward...especially when it was the Duke's brother and dad there! Sheesh!

She didn't go poop WHILE they were there, but she did puke. and well...there were noises.

And yes...the room still stank.

The best part (or worst) was the night after her test and she was out of her bed and started to walk when "shit just fell from her ass unto the floor." I put this in quotes because this is exactly what she told the nurses.

Oh yes...you read it correctly. She poo poo'd on the floor.

Apparently my lovely readers when the "SHIT JUST FELL FROM HER ASS!" ...she stepped in it too. Lovely...just lovely.

Yep... stepped in the shit.

Ya know what...she didn't even shower until late the next day!!!

She thought this was freakin' hilarious! I swear she called everyone she knew to tell them about it.

That was the other thing she was on the phone 24 -7.

Over the course of my life I have been in the hospital several times ( posts for another time) but these roommates are definitely at the top of my "roommates from hell" list. Yeah, I have a list...what of it???

I swear these posts don't even began to do these women justice because I cannot adequately describe them and how annoying they really were.

I have incredible patience and empathy too...but these two were just plain rude. I know you don't feel good...I've been there, but couldn't there have been an excuse me or an I'm sorry. Those little words sometimes make a big difference.

So to all of you out there in bloggy world...if you ever have to share a hospital room and you need to poop in a commode or you have incredibly horrible gas. Some sort of acknowledgement to your roommate about it and that your sorry that she has to be in the room with you at least lets the roommate know that you recognize the fact that its a bad situation.

I apologize when I have gas...just sayin'.

Not saying that a sick person has to apologize for being sick....but...well it would have made me feel less angry and annoyed.

Oh and BTW...the result of her test...she has bad gas.

Yeah...I could have told ya that!

THE LADY JANE

Seriously...this is my 4th of July?

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:28:00 +0000

Well....I'm in the hospital due to getting an infection in my infamous leg wound. BOO!! I have to stay here until it clears up. Which sucks because obviously its 4th of July weekend and we were going away but its also my birthday Monday. Sheesh

Karma has also made little visit to me. Her name is Jeanne.

If you remember ( well, really how could you forget!) in my last post I told you that I was a horrible person to sit next to on the plane..click here to refresh your memory.

Well...Karma came and bit me in the ass. It is so true the saying "what you put out in this world you get back tri-fold." or something like that.

I am sharing my hospital room with a woman named Jeanne who is horribly annoying! I feel bad saying that but its the truth. Within the first hour of the Duke and I being in this room...he turned and looked at me and said "I think you definitely have your next blog post!" and boy was he right. Whats funny is that the next day the Duke brought me the laptop ...just to make sure I would do the blog post while it was all fresh in my mind!

However, as I sit here I am struggling with how I can accurately describe her. I feel like it might be one of those times where you have to see it ( or hear it) to believe it, but I will do my best.

To start off... it is NEVER, EVER quiet! EVER!

Right now I am listening to her in the bathroom...I know gross...its not like I am listening to her dropping a gift to the toilet god...I'm listening to her groaning VERY loudly and muttering to herself about how good it feels. Yep...that's how it is every time she goes to the bathroom and she goes in there a lot. However, most of the time her commentary in the bathroom consists of her complaining she can't go.

So now that we all know that she is loud in the bathroom...she is also loud just lying in bed.

It is a C.O.N.S.T.A.N.T stream of groaning, sighing, burping, farting, and snoring. I mean CONSTANT...it never ends. I can't even hold a conversation with the Duke when he is here. Its way too distracting and lets face it...funny.

Picture it...

Duke sitting at my bedside telling me how much he loves me and then there is a series of the most disgusting burps coming from the other side of the curtain...there is never an "excuse me" or she never goes to the bathroom to try to excuse herself. Oh no...she sits on the edge of her bed ...closest to me...and slaps herself on her stomach literally to burp herself. Over and over.

Right now she is swearing at the Ivac machine telling it to "shut the hell up" because it is beeping. Funny thing...she used to be a nurse here about 5 yers ago, she is retired now, so why she doesn't push the hold button to stop it beeping I will never know...she doesn't respond well to suggestions.

She swears at other people's Ivac machines for going off when they are down the hall. She mimics (very rudely) people who are talking in the hallway or after doctor/nurses have just left her. Occasionally she has thrown a couple of things i.e. at the TV after she accidentally turned it on but couldn't shut it off ( turns out she was sitting on the remote). Good times...

She does NOT tie her gown in the back. It "chokes her". Which that is ever so lovely...I think it may have scarred the Duke...poor guy. She also lays on the bed with her legs open and no covers and you have to pass by her on your way to me or I have to pass by her on the way to the bathroom. I thought about getting pics...but thought that might be too much to handle. However, if I could find a way to record her that would be AWESOME! Seriously.

When she is not swearing, burping, farting, or throwing things she will lay there and just LOUDLY sigh and grunt...continuously. I seriously need a recorder!!

Uh oh...the nurse just came in and said to her that the Doc ordered her an enema...and they are going to do it right now. AHHHH......I am going to stay on here so I can give you a play by play.

Hey what other blog ...can you get a play by play of an Enema...I'm pretty sure that its just here. Could this be my claim to fame??....hmmmm...

Nurse is getting on her gloves....
they are going to do it the bathroom...
Nurse just said " I hope I don't get any on your undies..." "Its usually little messy"
Jeanne " Its leaking already, dammit"
Nurse " Go get over the toilet"
Jeanne " lots of grunts, and ahhh's"

apparently Jeanne needs a new pair of undies...Nurse going to get some.

More groaning...lots of loud groaning...

I'm ending here...you don't even want to know...

Can' t believe I just did a recap of Enema...that's where I am at people!!

Right now...she must not like the TV show I have on..BTW...its a person singing on the TODAY show. She just did her own rude rendition of the song and then said " Get me out of this insane asylum"

Awesome, just awesome!!

Seriously, who else is going to have this much fun for their 4th of July.

THE LADY JANE

Totally Awkward Tuesday: Flying

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:29:00 +0000

I'mmmm baaaccckkkk!!!!!!!!

I will tell ya more on my Florida vacay a little later because its Totally Awkward Tuesday time and I do have a little story from my recent trip for you all.

Picture this:

It was the plane ride back home, I had the window on my left and a girl on my right ( she was about my age, early twenties...okay, okay....thirties...sheesh) .

Plane ride started out OK, about 30 minutes into the flight I had to take one of my antibiotics. I reached down into my bag to get them and as I was bringing the bottle up ...butter finger strikes and I drop the bottle and it rolled back under my seat...ugh!

The next 5 minutes I spent trying to reach under my seat trying to grab the bottle. 5 minutes may not seem long but it was an eternity

Especially when you have to bend over and either grab through your wide spread legs or turn your knees to one side and bend over and try to reach under. (So then your butt could possibly be staring them in the face)
Then you grunt a little as your trying to make your arms be go-go-gadget like due to having impossibly short arms.

Its just not graceful or becoming at all and definitely awkward.

i apologized to my neighbor for being disruptive and she offered to help me, but in the end I got it and went back to reading my book.

I was super exhausted and was starting to doze as I read and as I started to sleep.... purring followed ( Duke likes to call it snoring, but purring is a lot cuter. Even though Duke says what I do is no where near sounding cute...whatevs! post for another day)

I was trying so hard to fight the good fight with my eyes to keep open, but every now and then I would jolt myself awake with a snort...yes a snort!! ugh...embarrassing

I got a pop in an attempt to help wake me up. I put the tray down to set my pop on and it also was great to lean my book on why i read.

So as I was reading when the sleep fairies came again .....and no matter how much I fought them, they won out and the purring/snoring began again...

and then a big ol'snort!! awkward...

the kind that wakes you right up!! I jolted up right so hard that my book hit the tray which then knocked over my pop right into the girls lap next to me!! She jumped...I dropped my book when I went to grab the pop ( no luck)...pop everywhere...oopsie!

Ugh...I kept apologizing...waved to the flight attendant to come help us...she did and brought lots of napkins. The girl said it was OK...but I am positive she was annoyed by this time.

After we got cleaned up I knew that I had to use the bathroom but there is no way I wanted to ask the 2 people sitting in my row to get up now...I have already been such a pain in the butt. It wasn't too bad and I thought I would be fine until the plane landed.

After a few minutes of just sitting there perfectly still and trying not to be annoying, I still wanted to read my book that was now laying on the floor. Even though I didn't want to awkwardly bend over to get something under my seat, the need to know what was happening with the Edward/Bella/Jacob triangle was too hard to resist.

So I bent over to get the book when I ripped a fart. Yep...I ripped one. a minor stinky one.

I could have D.I.E.D from embarrassment right there on the spot! The worst thing...its not like you can blame someone else or move ( run) away from the person . You just have to sit there and endure...

Klassy...right?!

If It wasn't awkward enough before it certainly was now!

I'm sure that girl had a story all about me when she got off that plane.

Happy Totally Awkward Tuesday! Go check out the rest of the awkward stories at Tova's place!!

The Lady Jane

FLORIDA BOUND!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 12:18:00 +0000

I'm on way to Florida!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although your probably wondering why the hell I would head to Florida in the summer.

Crazy , I know. However, My BFF moved there last year (Orlando) and I miss her like crazy! I'm on summer break and its next to impossible to go during the school year and its cheaper.

So...Florida here I come!

I'm flying alone, which actually I like doing. I get to read a ton of meaningless magazines and read books that I have been coveting without having to make conversation with anyone else. Its nice to have that once in awhile.

Down side....

I'm me.

I get goofed up easily, I'm always late, I don't think things through, very forgetful, and I am tooooo laid back, etc.... all these things are not good when you are flying the friendly skies. Sometimes they are just not that friendly!

I do have some examples...Wanna hear them?

I'll make them short and sweet and to the point.

Example 1:

First time flying alone.

Destination: Washington DC for a friends wedding. I was a "reader" in the wedding so I needed to be there for the dress rehearsal.

My outfit still was not complete for the wedding, I still needed shoes. I thought I would stop at the mall before getting on the plane. Great idea....

Stopped at mall...shopping around and I ran into one of my friends.

friend: Hey I thought you were going to DC?

me: Oh I am. I just needed to get some shoes.

friend: What time is your flight?

me: 2pm

friend: WHAT? Your going to miss your flight!

me: No I won't, I have an hour.

friend: You have to check in your stuff still and go through security...you will never make it.

me: panicking!

I leave to go to the airport ( not before buying the shoes, of course!)

get into the car...no directions! I am so directionally challenged!

I call the airport...get directions. Proceeded to call back like 6 more times to see if the plane left.

For some reason in my head I was thinking I would just pull up to the airport, park, walk in and get on the plane.

Your probably wondering if I ever had been on a plane before...yep...several times.

My excuse...none. Sometimes..I just don't think.

Needless to say I missed my plane, which meant of course that I missed the rehearsal dinner and scared everybody as to my whereabouts.

Oh...I had also left my plane tickets at home...yeah I am that awesome!

Example #2

Destination: San Francisco to visit a friend

Brought an expired license instead of my current one. Why you may ask.... I couldn't find my current one and thought an expired one would work fine. Its not like I would be driving a car or anything. I had left packing until the last minute and didn't have time to look for my license...I needed to be there early ( I didn't want to miss my plane like last time. See...I do learn small lessons)

Fast forward...me trying to check in.

The guy wouldn't let me check in because my license was expired.

Big situation broke out...I went to another airline employee. That person thought I should be let on the plane. In his words "She isn't going to be flying the plane"
Argument broke out between the two about it...third person was called in...I was let on the plane. Had to run all they way there while the plane waited for me.

Want to know the funny thing....this was on my trip home. They obviously let me fly there on my expired license. Hmmph...

Example 3:

Destination: Key West - maid of honor in a wedding

Alarm did not go off in the morning ( thank goodness I am an early riser anyways)
freaked out...threw everything that wasn't packed yet into my carry on.

I'm sure you can guess what happened.

I totally forgot that everything in my carry on that is liquid like could not be bigger than 3.4 oz. Tears are starting to well up at thought of this.

I got to the security check and that is when I encountered the bitch from hell. This cold- hearted woman informs me that I broke all sorts of codes and proceeded to throw away all of my hair products, etc... right in front of me. I thought I was going to be sick! These products were not cheap...I spent money on them!
Hairspray...gone
Shampoo....gone
Conditioner...gone
gel...gone
hair powder...gone
body lotion...gone
body scrub....gone
detangler...gone
toothpaste...gone

and let me tell ya she reveled in throwing this stuff away. She picked each one up, admired it, commented on what the cost of it was, then dropped it in the trash. She did this with every single thing. With everyone that was in line for security watching. It was painful....

and the most embarrassing moment... was when she picked up one of the items that I bought for my friends bachelorette party. This...

Dick Tasty

So here's to hoping that this little trip is uneventful!!!

XOXO

THE LADY JANE

ARE THEY SERIOUS???

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:28:00 +0000

Hey Everyone!!

Did you all hear about the big Perez vs. will.i.am big fight??

For those of you who don't know..Perez hilton is a Celebrity blogger and will.i.am is a member of the Black Eyed Peas.

Well if you haven't...I have a special treat for ya!

They both did video responses!!

How hilarious is that?

And the vlogs are pretty damn funny I thought. They are both delusional!

I had to post these videos because honestly....I'm just kinda stunned by them. I watched them earlier this morning...and I keep thinking about them! How pathetic is that?? So I had to share my horror with all of you!

First of all...I expect a video response from Perez because...well...thats what he does for a living. He makes his living off of drama ( no matter what he says in the video)

However,

for will.i.am ...I guess I expected more from him. He is a musician and a very talented one. So, why he is stooping to do a video??? It doesn't sit right with me and it actually makes me have less respect for him.

If he said "that's cool" one more time during his video...well I don't really know, but It drove me batty.

Obviously..he didn't think any of it was really cool.

What really made me laugh was that Perez twittered about it during the whole fiasco!!

So without further ado...

Perez's response had to be broken into two parts. It's like a 11 minutes long...but its funny.

What do you think about these guys putting video responses on you tube???

THE LADY JANE

knock, knock....housekeeping

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 05:11:00 +0000

Hello all my bloggy friends!!

First I want to thank everyone for their well-wishes on my leg!! Its still as gross as ever..in case anyone wondered! Blech....

Anyways...

I have been tagged on a few things and have also been given a few awards and since its more than I can ( or want) to put in one post ...I am going to split it up into two. Pure genius, I know!

So if you think I forgot your tag or award..I didn't! Sheesh, get off my back already. Don't ya know I'm gravely wounded!

On to the festivities!!!!

My first award today is from The Optimistic Pessimist !

She used to be known as Marathoner81 but since her blog has evolved and its no longer JUST about the NYC marathon ( which by the way, how cool is that?!) she updated her name.

Great blog, go check it out!

...I actually got it some time ago but I was waiting for a time like this when I could put a couple together and make it one ( or two) big events!!!

I got the "Your Blog is Fucking Fabulous"

Any award that has the F word in it is pretty fucking fabulous! Yeah I'm 12, I know!

Here are the rules:

List 5 of your current obsessions and then pass it on to 5 more fucking fabulous blogs

1) I am obsessed with Bath and Body work's Reed Diffusers!!

They are truly amazing! I bought a cinnamon scent reed diffuser at Christmas time - it was even 50% off and it is STILL smelling strong! I just went and bought a bunch more. It lasted for 6 months straight and is still as potent as when I first bought it. C'mon.....

2) I am in love with my Roomba and am pretty obsessed with it!

I use it every day...sometimes twice.

It is pretty f'ing fantastic and we have three animals and this little cutie patootie vacuum picks up everything! I just press the "clean" button with my toe and away she goes, while I sit back in the chair and give my self a slap on the back for working so hard keeping the house clean.

3) Avocados....what can I say? I love them!

4) My iphone. Yep, still. I know I did a post about how much I loved it and that love has not faded!

5) Reading blogs...sheesh! Thank god I'm on summer break:)

So here are my five blogs that I am passing this award to!! Give it a good home girls...

Kellie at Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Fidgeting Gidget
Cavy
PunkyBean
Mean Girl Garage

Next is a picture tag from Amber at Life As We Know It

( she is adorable...you will see what I mean when you go stop by her blog after this...hint)

The rules are:

1. Open your first photo folder

2. Scroll to the 10th picture

3. Post that photo and story on your blog

4. Tag 5 other blogger friends to do the same

What a weird pic for my 10th picture to be!!

Back story to pic...

this was a couple of years ago and it was our last day of school. Our principal ( who no one liked and since has been fired) had an End of the Year party at his house. It was kind of a mandated thing so we all brought a bunch of alcohol and became snockered!! ( my mom uses this word...I thought I would give it a test run)

Several people at the party went out on the boat later in the evening but about 5 of us stayed back. For some reason we thought stealing a lawn ornament from our principals neighbor's yard would be hilarious ( and actually it was!)

So we came up with a stealth plan for our mission and this picture is two of my awesome girlfriends doing the army crawl into the neighbors yard to steal the ugly gnome!

Mission Accomplished!

And yes, these people teach your kids...

The five blogs I tag for this are **drum roll**

Sassy B
Hotpants
My Wooden Heart
Gina
Jen-TSK

I also received this awesome award from Fidgeting Gidget!!

She just had her one-year anniversary... so go tell her congratulations!!

This came with no rules...so I am just going to keep it all to myself ( at least for right now)

I'm whipped..off to bed I go!

Part two will be coming in a couple of days... Don't get all crazy on me

THE LADY JANE

Drinking and walking do not mix

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 22:05:00 +0000

WARNING***WARNING*****WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING

If you do not like the sight of blood do not go any further....there are pictures attached that may make you vomit...just sayin'

If you do decide to keep reading and do vomit...don't say I didn't warn you.

Ok...

Long story short...I got completely bombed on Saturday night at my friends party.

Yep...completely bombed

( which by he way it was a GREAT party! Food, drinks, and a DJ...what more could ya want?)

Anyways I was very drunk and it was 3 in the morning when the Duke and I decided to go home ( well to my parents house - we were about 3 hours from our actual house)

and as we were walking out the garage door I was simultaneously turning around to say some witty comment upon my exit when I hit the cement step and fell. I landed with a thud, sat stunned...and then started laughing uncontrollably!! I couldn't stop.

I do this whenever I fall or I see someone else fall. To me it is the most hilarious thing ever and No it does not matter if they are really hurt or not. Awful, I know.

I guess nobody really saw me fall except the Duke. He made sure I was OK and then we both laughed all the way to the car..which was actually quite a ways. When we got in, I bent down to see my leg because I was pretty sure I had a nasty bruise. However, when I touched it..it was wet and gooey!

I turned to the Duke and held up my hand and said "Is this blood?"

Duke freaked out because when he turned on the light in the car..there was lots of blood..lots.

He pulled the car up to the house and ran to get some bandages, towels, whatever...

Everyone then came running out the house and they totally freaked on me!

Saying things like

"OMG..its like a piece of meat is hanging off!"

"we need bandages..STAT"

"i'm gonna faint"

and

As for me I was still laughing.... I felt like it was all I could do.

They did bandage me up..see pic below..and off to the hospital I went.

**amazing, the things you can do with Duct tape**

Yes..my foot is swollen...I do not have cankles.

The Duke did make a pit stop at my parent's house to pick them up so they could actually drive us there..because the Duke had a lot to drink too and they are luck was going we didn't want to chance it.

Its always nice to surprise your parents with a trip to the ER at 3:30 in the morning!

I wish I could say that was first time...but that's for another post.

Are you ready for the pics??? Remember I did warn you!

I am going to rock the mini skirt this summer..fo sho

For some reason ( read..pain meds) I was making the Duke and my mom give two thumbs up. I made them do this pose like 5 times. Why...who knows?

At 6:30 am I was finally let go and all they did was put a bandage on. I guess they couldn't "salvage" my skin..so they referred me to a wound clinic. Seriously??

I went to the "wound clinic" today. Apparently they have to leave the wound open and let the skin die off. DIE OFF??!!

I have a huge ass dressing that I have to change twice a day, a ruined pair of jeans, blood soaked shoes..that I am pretty sure a ruined too , blood in my new Escape, and I can't swim all summer.

Oh yeah...I am totally bruised up to my thigh and I have a Hematoma on the other leg too.

Yay for my first day of summer break!!

Moral of the story: Don't try to be funny, just look where you are walking.

THE LADY JANE

the campaign of all campaigns!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 11:02:00 +0000

Ladies ( and gentlemen - I think there are a couple)

There is a movement, a crusade, a battle, if you will, that is beginning to sweep the nation ( with your help, of course!)

My bloggy friend Sassy Britches told us about a campaign that they tried to start in college and I have to tell you I jumped on this idea faster than I do a cheeseburger after a night of drinking!! and let me tell ya...that's fast!! The Duke can attest.

Well Sassy had a lot of responses to her post from women across the US...so she has made it official and the war has begun!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, I know! I'm sure your like "For the love all things Holy..tell us already!"

so without further ado, I give you the

WIPE THE WEINER campaign

Oh yes! You read it right!!

As soon as I read her story about her college attempt - I was all "OMG...I think about that all the time!!"

I mean really....do they think a good "shake" takes care of all the pee droplets?? Yeah..a few go on the back of the toilet or if I am really lucky and they are a little over zealous with the shaky shake and I can even get it on the vanity or the wall!

Seriously...why would they ever think it would be okay not to wipe???

a dab or two..c'mon! It would be as quick as a good jiggle and CLEANER I might add!!!

Lets not even get to the topic of underwear spottage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyways....SPREAD THE WORD!!!

Go grab a button at Sassy's...like Now!!

All WOMEN AROUND THE WORLD UNITE!!!!!!!

We are women hear us ROAR!

yeah...i'm a little excited.

editors note** there has been a controversy about the spelling of Weiner..German vs. English.."I" before "e"...yadda yadda. We like Weiner...Sassy looked it up ..its all good.

Sorry about the spacing on the 2nd half...Blogger won't change it for me! Anyone alse having spacing issues?

THE LADY JANE

Finally....

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 14:50:00 +0000

As promised pics of me since I have now hit my 100 followers mark!!! Did you think i forgot, or just plain forgot about this blog??!! I didn't!! Just finishing up school...3 days!!

Anyways on with the show...

I always love seeing pics of other people, so why not do it myself. I already told ya , i am not photogenic. I did add some prom/homecoming pics because i loved it when other people have lately, in honor of prom season! And you know to liven it up instead of seeing just a crappy old pic of me. I didn't have much here...most is it my parent house and they live three hours away. best I could do...deal with it!

To start us off...how about a hoop skirt?! Ah yes people I wore a hoop skirt. It was 1989 and I was the freshman representative on the Homecoming court ( hence the tiara) and we had to wear a hoop formal dress. it was an unwritten rule ( which I broke later...read on) I look like little BO-peep but I swear it was cool then!!

My mom always forgot to take pictures of just me before the dance. It was really because of two reasons a) i always ran late and was never ready when my date showed up and b) we were the house where everybody came to get their pics taken. my mom doted over everyone...which is why there was always more pics of other people then me and my date. But it was fun

This picture was actually taken like two weeks after the dance on a random Saturday. Mom felt bad that there wasn't any pics of just me so she made me put on my dress to take pictures... which is the reason for the bad hair!

NEXT UP..

Sophomore homecoming, 1990. I loved this dress. it was midnight blue velvet with a completely open back. True to form my mom didn't get pics of just me before the dance, so this picture was taken after i came home. Which is why I look a little drunk, tired, whatevs and I am holding my wrist corsage. What do you think of the owl pics in the background?? awesome, huh?

This is my senior year homecoming. Circa 1992 . Yes, I am wearing Tiara again...homecoming court. What?? You laughing at my fake diamond encrusted tiara?? I rocked them, what can i say. This is a rare time that my mom actually took a pic of just me before the dance. You can't see it, but this dress was NOT floor length. This was a first for someone being on the court. It was actually higher in front and lower in back. Scandal I tell you, I was the talk of the town!!

This is from my senior prom. 1993, baby!! We had just been crowned the King and Queen. ( what can i say, they liked me, really liked me!! aka Sally field...nevermind )

This is my ex- we were together for MANY years. I will think up a suitable name for him...later. This is the only pic of us with our king and queen stuff on....together at least. I wanted to use this pic, because it was the only pic where you could see my shoes. i LOVED those shoes. Silver with sequency mirrory type things on it. Maybe a little slutty, maybe a little fashionable. I was going for fashionable, but whatever!

I've realized I have inherited my mom's picture taking skills. Not only do I never have pics of just me, but I take lousy pictures. What I mean is not only am I not photogenic ( this is not a statement so you will comment that I am photogenic) but my actual picture taking skills are crap. I never time it right, they are crooked, bad lighting, whatever..... anyways...this is me (now). I was in Key West. luv that place

This is a pic of the Duke and I at a beer festival. Hmmm... go figure. I realized that neither the Duke or I are photogenic, at least not in the same pic! We also don't have a lot of pics of just the two of us...we are always snapping of other people.

Well here they are pics of me...your weekend is now complete;)

BTW...this was the HARDEST, most TIME-CONSUMING post. What with all the scanning, enlarging, finding the damn photos, spacing..it was a nightmare!!! NIGHTMARE! You better enjoy the F***** thing:) Smiles

THE LADY JANE

First guest post!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Fri, 29 May 2009 09:16:00 +0000

I'm guest posting for the TOVA MOVING EXTRAVAGANZA today...post is going up at 9:30 am today...be there!!! Or be square! ( sorry couldn't resist!)

One word for ya...thongs....

AAHHHH......

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Thu, 28 May 2009 23:38:00 +0000

End of the year is always a CRAZY place at work..which means not a whole lot of posting. I'm pretty swamped but have made some time to make comments just not the time to put thought into a post. I'm sure you get it! I am hoping that it is a busy time for lots of youtoo because....... I only received 9 comments on my last post!! Say What?

yeah...9!!!

I'm going to pretend that something was wrong with your computers or you have a migraine and you can't even remotely look at a computer screen because it feels like it will blow up your brain, or maybe you sprained both your wrists and your just resting them right now. Yep... that's what I am going to believe. Humor me!

Anyways...I do have some great posts coming...the Duke is going to wish he never saw this blog...!

And as a bonus I decided when I first started this anonymous blog that whenever I got to a 100 posts or a 100 followers I would post a picture of muah!! Yeah I know...your super excited and are about to break out singing the Pointer Sister song because I am at

** drumroll please...** 96 followers!!!

I can't believe it came that fast..I started this little ol'blog in March.

Hmmm...I'm going to have to find a pic. I am NOT photogenic! I know people say that but I really am not. Seriously!

Anyways in other bloggy news..(I think it may be tomorrow or sometime soon) I will be kicking off the TOVA DARLING MOVING EXTRAVAGENZA with a guest post!! Yay!! I will let ya know when its the official day! of course.

I need to get off this damn computer now because a) its making me fat and B) I have work to be done. Only 9 more school days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Booya!

The Lady Jane

Not Me Monday - Highland Festival edition

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Mon, 25 May 2009 11:47:00 +0000

I am a total virgin at this "Not Me Monday".....but I loved it sooo much when Gina did it that I wanted to get on the bandwagon too...and what a bandwagon...last time at looked there was 500 people on Mr. Linky's that do it!!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I am NOT sneaking to do this post before the Duke wakes up, because he and my parents did NOT have an intervention of sorts with me about the time I spend on the computer being in direct correalation with my weight gain ( that I have NOT been crying and complaining about for weeks now). I would NEVER complain about something and never do anything about it and drive everybody crazy with it. NOT ME.

I did NOT forget to change the oil in my new car. I certainly am not over 5,ooo miles past due. I would never do that because I know what happens when you do not change your oil ( sniff, sniff, my 1989 broncoII) I never NOT learn my lesson. I did NOT get a bunch of flak from my Dad and Duke about this. I did NOT get really mad at the Duke for bringing it up, I did NOT threatned bodily harm to him or tell him he would wish he was never born, and that our ride home was going to be hell...all 2 1/2 hrs. NOT ME!!

I did NOT sneak in alcohol into the Highland Festival Beer tent. Not ME!! They were NOT these cute little things of vodka called "porta shots" that the Duke's brother brought up from Florida. That is just childish. And I did NOT find total happinness when my friend and her husband who came with us pulled out a flask they snuck into the tent too. We would NEVER do this since that one year when we and a bunch of friends were caught using fake tickets to buy drinks and our friend who was working at the Beer tent got fired and we were almost banned. Like I said I NEVER not learn my lesson.

I definately did NOT throw up in my mouth at the Scotch tasting tent!! I did NOT say loudly enough for all the serious Scotch fantatics to hear that I thought it was the most disgusting thing I ever tasted! I did NOT take pics of everybody making the "Scotch face" after trying it. I certainly am NOT going to post them all over my facebook page for everyone to see...that's just being a bad friend.

At the end of the night I did NOT find Duke making friends with a Highland Steer and I definately did NOT freak out because he had half his body in the cage . The horns ( whatever they are called) were NOT the most mammoth things I have ever seen and could have pierced right through the Duke.!

I also did NOT laugh my ass off at the Duke when he ran around the track as fast as he can to prove his athletic ability all the while carrying his ciggarette. I did NOT make fun of his running for the rest of the night...NOT ME.

THE END

side note: I have been a terribly blogger this week and a not so great commenter. I will get back on track:))

The Lady Jane

I do kiss and tell

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Tue, 19 May 2009 01:42:00 +0000

The new season of the Bachelorette is here...really I don't give a flying f***, ( used to be addicted to the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows, but that stopped a long time ago) now I am on to better reality shows. Oh yeah I didn't give up reality shows ..just this particular one.

Anyways where was I going with this...oh yeah..I was reading a blog post at Fleur-de-licious and she was saying that she knows someone that knows one of the guys on the bachelorette. Which reminded me of my own connection with a past contestant.

Picture this....

I was sitting on my bed doing something..I don't know work, listing what I ate that day, a plan to save the world..I can't remember. What I do remember is being excited about Season 3 of the Bachelorette starting... with Jen Scheft. So the first show is all about seeing who the guys are that are vying for her affection and their 15 minutes of fame.

They are showing clips of each guy talking about himself...

Blah, Blah, from so and so who is a pharmaceutical rep ( isn't everyone on that show..girl or guy)

Bobby Jo from some big city who is a rodeo clown ( they always have one with a weird occupation)

Michael from somewhere no one has ever heard of who is a teacher ( the token one that is full of heart, no money in the bank, but just wants to help others and is looking for love...the sap)

When I almost choked on my bedtime snack!

Wait!!! Back-up!! I know that guy...I've kissed that guy...I hid from that guy and he is no sweet ol' boy trying to do good!

Oh, no he's not!!!

Let me give ya the 411 on how I met this dude ( yep, I said dude)

It was memorial day weekend and one of my guy friends had invited me up to his family's place up north. I've known this guy for years. We went to high school together, his parents are friends with my parents, I even threw him a baby shower for the girl he knocked up that he had no romantic relationship with. In short, he is one of my best friends...but he is flipping crazy and that is why I love him. Crazies attract crazies and there is always a good time to be had by all.

So too make a long weekend of drinking and being stupid short...I am only going to tell the one part that is the whole reason I am doing the post.

There was a friend of J's ( my guy friend) there for the weekend. He was a big guy, one of those body builder types!! We started drinking as soon as we got there and the more we drank the CRAZIER he got. I know, I know your probably saying duh, that's what you do when you are drinking a lot. What I'm saying is that he got CRAZY, not drunk. He said he didn't drink " His body is his temple" or some shit like that...But he started to get the wild eyes, flexing, and making all these weird grunts. He would continually chase me around because he wanted to bench press me, lift me over his head, see how far he could throw me ( I was all of 96 lbs then) andat one point I thought he might eat me ( he was licking his lips a lot).
It was on the last night there that he cornered me and mashed his face on mine. He probably called it a kiss, I call it a mash. No pleasure at all, only pain. I was squirming and then my girlfriend saw me and saved me. Thank God, because I was pretty sure that my teeth were coming through my lips at one point.

Then it all finally made sense, when we overheard him offer a couple of the guys GHB ( the date rape drug). Bingo. Guy on date rape drug = crazy! Then I freaked that he put something in my my drink, but then my friend pointed out that when he was pulverizing my face with his lips I probably wouldn't haven't been trying to get away. I've never been slipped a rooghy ( well, i don't think so. I was hoping I had before because of some really bad-hook-ups, but I looked up the signs and nope..I wasn't drugged just too wasted with a bad case of beer goggles)..sorry getting side tracked again.

My friend and I found his duffel bag and looked through it ( hey, we were curious and it seemed like a brilliant idea to investigate this guy more) and there was a ton of pills in there, and hypodermic needles ( steroids). No wonder he didn't drink, he had a freakin pharmacy in there!

So back to the bachelorette. When he came on saying he was a teacher and looking for love, just a nice guy...blah...blah. I seriously started laughing until I almost puked. Of course I called my friend and had her check out the show to make sure I was right. I was.. he just looked different when he wasn't grunting and trying to break me in half!

He was pretty normal, maybe a little tooo sappy but way different then the guy I met the year before. I spoke with J who stated that this guy wasn't really a teacher either...he had substitute taught but that was all...

Yuck...I better get ready for work...later!

The Lady Jane

I have no idea what to title this??!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Sun, 17 May 2009 09:59:00 +0000

I think this is going to be one of those posts that is going to be random...I'm thinking bullet point. It might be easier for you all to follow my ramblings. Just an FYI..its not going to be witty either because....

I'm dyin......of PAIN!! Ok, this is how I know I am seriously out of shape ( I knew I was but this even surprised me) I am in some serious, drug needing, pain from Tai Chi!!

Yeah, Tai Chi

A person doing tai chi moves his body slowly and gently, while breathing deeply and meditating (tai chi is sometimes called "moving meditation")

I know it is also considered a "combat style" but the above description is what I am doing!

How embarrassing! I am going to hide my face from the world ( probably under a blanket and on top of a heating pad....just sayin'. ) So as if wasn't feeling bad enough I took a break from this post to go read some other blogs and that's when I read this by my lovely bloggy friend Gina! Talk about just rubbing my face right in the doo - doo. I know, i know this post didn't actually exist when she wrote it but my face still feels like it has doo - doo on it!
I need to keep moving on...because I don't know how much typing my poor arms can take. Seriously...

Update on my Rite Aid Sucks post - If you haven't looked in the comments section lately (c'mon I know you all can't get enough of me and you read the comment section when I have not posted...just admit it. Trust me you feel better) But just in case you are one of the rare few who do not do this.... This is the comment

Hi "Lady Jane,"

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. This is not a policy, and I'd like to investigate. Would you please call me and share where and when this occurred so that I may pursue.

Thanks in advance for your time,

Eric Harkreader
Rite Aid Public Relations
(717) 975-5713

I'm totally going to call him...but I only remember on the weekend when Eric isn't working. **lightbulb** I will put a reminder in my lovely i-phone. So I guess this kind of sucks an update when I haven't actually called him yet...consider it part 2 on my revenge on Rite-Aid.

Update on EMO kid ( you can read up on him here and here) .....he was locked up for like 3 weeks and he returned Friday...ugh. He shaved off all his hair and he wore NO makeup . He made this big apology, I think its the honey moon period..but I am trying to stay positive. he will not kill me, he will not kill me

I do have an update on the "people who want my money so they invited us to their wedding even though we have never met them". I conducted a full investigation and here are the results....its a cousin of the Duke's. He has NEVER met them and is not in contact with the groom to be's immediate family. Uh..Weird!! I guess I would save my guest list for people we actually know and have had at least one conversation with...just sayin"

Only 17 more school days until I am FREE!!!! For a whole 2 1/2 months!!! I would start dancing...but ya know...I'm in pain

Need to go get some ice packs! I'm out....

THE LADY JANE

Totally Awkward Tuesday: Who the hell is this?

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Wed, 13 May 2009 00:01:00 +0000

Sad news first, Awkward news second...

this is the last Totally Awkward Tuesday for awhile...not forever!! Just until Ms. Tova Darling comes back and says "Game On". She is moving to a different state and has a ton on her plate. However, tre' exciting for her!!!!!!

I wasn't going to post today but since this is it for awhile...I wanted to do the honor of posting one more "Totally Awkward Tuesday" and since this just happened yesterday...I though it might fit the bill.

The Duke and I got this in the mail yesterday....

Nice, huh?? Beautiful invitation, looks exciting...I mean its in Hilton Head!!!

But there is one thing wrong with this....

We don't know who the hell these people are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( Awkward, yes?)

As you can see there is even a picture with the invitation on one of those magnets you can put on the fridge so you won't forget the date ...obviously we need this because we FORGOT THE PEOPLE ALL TOGETHER!!

You might wonder if they just sent it to the wrong address of the person with the same name but...(insert buzzer sound) NOPE. It had BOTH of our names on it and we have different last names. Way too random.

I've been to a million weddings ( slight exaggeration) but A LOT and I have personally been IN 20 weddings ( FYI...I did a post about this...just sayin') So I know that wedding guest lists are really difficult and USUALLY you don't invite people you hardly know, but whatevs I guess.

Then I read the post card that came with it - you can see the pic...but I'm going to write it out so you can digest every sweet little word of it.

Many of our guests have enquired
For a gift idea to be inspired

Like many young couples today
We have most things anyway

If you would like to give, it is our request
For something for our Treasure Chest

A gift of Money you can afford
Is just what we need you can be assured

Without the help of this little pun
Our honeymoon would not be fun.

R they saying they can't have a honeymoon unless they get some money? Oh wait..they just won't have a fun honeymoon, yeah thats it!!

****and just to be sure- they put there address on the back in case you can't come. Klassy!

Hopefully, I will get to the bottom of it and find out who these people are and why they want my money!!

I hope they don't read blogs and see their invitation...that might be a little awkward

The Lady Jane

Duke almost killed me, I have a sensi, and I have fallen in love

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Sun, 10 May 2009 19:04:00 +0000

I am In Love!!! seriously IN LOVE!!! Picture me in a meadow twirling around with my arms outstretched and a huge smile ( maybe a little singing) with a ray of light shining down on just me!

Who is my heart beating for, you ask?

Well, its my very own iPhone!!!

I never want to let it out of my sight...it has everything I could ever dream of...it blows my mind! But, um...I am going to attend a workshop on how to use it Monday night because I am not so technologically savvy.

I could go on and on about all the apps and its different functions...but I got some more I want to tell ya about.

The Duke and I are starting to learn Tai Chi! We have this 71 year old Sensi ( the master of teaching) and to be perfectly honest he could kick both of our asses. He kept getting side tracked on "Warrior" type moves ..so I would encourage him to go on and then ask him to show me the moves on the Duke! Which was pretty effin' hilarious. I think that the Duke was pretty surprised that this old man could take him out in two moves!

This is supposed to help my mind, body and spirit all come together ( which I gotta tell ya, it better, because I'm feeling a little schizophrenic, a little crazy, some might say a little bitchy but whatevs...)

While we were at the Sensi's home he took us around the acres his house sits on and was pointing out the different weeds and plants and what they could be used for.

Let me pause here for a little background info-

On Friday night when I got home from work I was feeling pretty lousy, aunt Flo came for a visit ( unexpectedly I might add) so I had some mighty bad cramps. ya know the kind where it feels like your insides are in knots and someone is trying to pry them apart with a crow bar or heavy duty fingernails. Anyways, the Duke was feeling pretty bad for me and unbenownst to me he did some research on the web on what could help cramps. I saw him go outside and he comes in with what looked like weeds and starts to make tea out of them.

me: "Hey what are you doing with those weeds?"

Duke: " Well...I was feeling bad for you and I read that catnip tea helps relax the uterus and its supposed to make women feel better when ...ya...know"

me: " Awww...that is sooo sweet of you!! But..um ..I'm not sure about drinking something that was in our backyard and the dogs could have peed on."

Duke: " Oh, no it will be fine. It's boiling in hot water and I'm pretty sure the dogs hadn't peed on it"

me: " Uh..you don't know that for sure and how in the heck did you know that weed was in our back yard?"

Duke: " I'm smart like that...I pay attention to whats in our back yard and I look it up." ( big grin on his face) (Ahh..yes I do not doubt for a minute that the Duke does this because thats just like him)

me: " Don't cats get stoned on catnip? Am i going to?"

Duke " That would be cool if you did! Let me know if it does and I will make some for me too"

Well....I was hurting pretty bad and probably would have drank warm piss at this point if I thought it would make the cramps better. So I did it...and it wasn't too bad. I do think it made me feel a little groggy...maybe a little stoned ( or it was wishful thinking...)

So cut to Saturday as we were walking around with the Sensi.

Duke : " Hey I know what that is. Its catnip" pointing to a weed in the ground.

Sensi: " Nope not catnip...not sure which one that is"

Me: " What?!" then I looked at the Duke with my crazy eyes " That's not catnip? What did you give me? I could have been killed!"

Duke ( backing away from me): " Well, I THOUGHT it was catnip. Isn't it the thought that counts?"

Me: " Um...no! Not if I am dead!"

***But I did think it was cute that he tried to help with my womanly problems..love the Duke

Oh and BTW...anybody who has an iPhone ..is there a great app that you like?? ( not games) I'd love to know!!!

Have a great Monday...

The Lady Jane

Sexy time

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Thu, 07 May 2009 01:38:00 +0000

Go check out LiLu's place for the rules...but if you know her and read me...then you already know them!!

So this is a different TMI story that I have posted previously...because its not just about me , its about the Duke too and it wasn't several years ago...it was today ( well Wednesday, that's when I;m writing this.)

Last night the Duke went to his "male bonding brew group" and made sausage or whatever men do together..grunt...fart..ya know. He came home very late and I was already asleep. So we didn't see each other all day...so I didn't tell him that I had a doctor's appt. the next day and wouldn't be going to work. I get up really early anyways...whether I go to work or not. So I am pretty sure that the Duke thought I went to work. So 10:00 came and he still hadn't got up for work..so I jumped on him in bed and scared him (actually yelped). I totally caught him not going to work cause he was hungover....(sorry getting a little off track )

Anyways..we were laying in bed joking

Duke: "Uh...hunny I got a problem." and then looked down to you know where and this is where the Duke would like me to desscribe it as HUGE, MASSIVE, an amazing site to behold. He had a boner.

Me: "uh..no..your stinky. You have been out all night, your dirty and smelly."

Duke: begged and pleaded and pleaded some more.

Me: "Ok...but we both need to shower " ( What can I tell ya fresh and clean is a turn on for me)

So both went to take showers ( yes we did take separate ones...not sure why looking back )

After he was done he was coming up the stairs and I was putting my sexy moves on him but he looked all sheepish ?! hmmm...odd.

So I started stepping up my game mauling, groping, whateves and then he started making excuses that he needed to "get to work." OK..now wait a minute...Duke does not turn down sex!! cue Twilight Zone music

Me: " Hey whats going on..???

Duke: got this embarrasses look on his face and started looking at his feet and mumbled something.

Me: "I didn't hear you."

Duke: So he mumbled a little louder " I did something in the shower I'm not proud of."

Me: Pausing to give thought to this statement and then I very loud "Bwaaaaaaaha ha" came out and it was hard to stop..he started too.

Duke " I told you that you should never let those things so to waste!" ( which that was one of his arguments when he was pleading for sex earlier)

Me: " You couldn't have waited 10 -15 minutes??"

Duke: "I tried, but you should never waste one...guys code. I t would have went away"

Me: "C'mon" ( in my sexy voice) more groping....

Duke: very sheepish " Um...I'm really tired....that actually took a lot out of me" (like he is all suprised by it...)

both died laughing and I made jokes at his expense all day!!

Happy almost Friday!!!

The Lady Jane

You suck Rite Aid!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Mon, 04 May 2009 22:41:00 +0000

Dear Rite- Aid Pharmacy:

I have a bone to pick with you. I want to know who came up with the stupid idea of putting the customers money/credit card/debit card IN the prescription bag with the bottle of pills.

Really?!

You put the money/card in there and then shove a bunch of useless pamphlet information in there and the staple it all shut. WHY??? The card gets lost in all the pamphlets and well it shouldn't be in there anyways! It takes more effort to put it in the effin' bag then it does just to give it back to me!!

Why can't you to send the bag and the money/card through the drive through slot separately??

You see...I was very inconvenienced this morning when I went to the gas station on my way to work to grab one of their energy infused coffees....(I really needed that shockwave of coffee!) and then when it was time to pay, I couldn't find my debit card. ANYWHERE!! I spent so much time looking for it that I ended up being late to work and without having any of my shock wave coffee!! This was not good!

It was only after I gave up looking did it dawn on me that it was probably in the prescription bag. You see..you corporate monger..you have tricked me before with this sly move and I have thrown away precious cash!

I'm wondering if it is just you and maybe not all your other branches do it. I know one of you has a crush on the Duke.... are you doing this to mess with me???

Well, you didn't get me this time!! I hurried up and called the Duke and made him go out to the trash on the side of the road ( yes, it was trash day!) and search through the trash for that prescription bag that held my beloved debit card. So the joke's on you Rite Aid !!!! I got it and
I 'm not going to fall for your Shenanigans again. And the Duke's mad at you too now ...so watch out!

The Lady Jane ( who loved the idea of open letters that many bloggers do....oh, no is this plagiarizing??? gah.....I hope not...i don't want to be the latest sensation on the internet!!)

Its all fun and games until the dog gets hurt...

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Sun, 03 May 2009 21:00:00 +0000

I'm feeling a little scatterbrained and so now my post is going to be too!!

Maybe I will put it in bullet form??? Yeah...that sounds good!

Had Friday off of work!!! Went and treated myself to some much needed TLC including a mani and a pedi...ahhh Bliss

The Duke got out of work a little early so we headed to the "Green Street Fair"..its art/environment friendly booths/and of course food. It was great except for the intermittent rain showers..that kinda sucked ass, but we did get tons of free stuff especially healthy dog treats ( lots of them!). We actually came home and baked some of our own...nerds huh?

My parents came for a visit on Saturday( they live about 2 1/2 hours away) we went for an amazing breakfast at our favorite place.... and then my mom and I went shoe shopping **swoon**

(I could only get a pic of one of my purchases..camera died)

It was national Brew Day yesterday - did ya know?? The Duke celebrated it in full force with friends. He started at noon at this store/place..whatevs...where they brew their own beer and lots of sampling. I didn't see Duke till very late and he was very drunk...at least no "dog bed incident this time"

Sunday has been a bumming day...however...its not much of a day until I do something stupid. I went to the grocery store to get some stuff for dinner, did all the shopping went up to pay and um...no money. Whoops. I had taken a bike ride earlier and for some reson took my debit card with me ( not sure why, but whatevs) Apologized profusely...headed back home..ran into the house. up the stairs, grabbed the card, down the stairs and hit a wall of stank. Horrible stinky smell of shit. ( at this time let me tell ya that the DUKE had been bombing the house all day with these eye watering, gag inducing, farts ( brew day + Duke = one incredibly gassy guy). So up to this point I have been trying to dive these bombs .

(this may be a juvenile pic...but this is as close as I can get to describe what this day has been like)

But as I came down the stairs , he was coming out of the bathroom with a big stupid ass grin on his face! I made a mad dash for the door while plugging my nose and yelling "Get out of my way!" Duke enforced a full on press and wouldn't let me pass ( ya know, just to make sure I get a big whiff). A scuffle ensued..I was fighting for my life...Duke laughing his evil laugh and its all fun and games until the dog gets hurt. Yep...poor little JJ got caught in the scuffle and I stepped on his poor leg..**sniff** and now he is limping!!! All because of the Duke and his pride of being the Farting King!!

( Introducing JJ and Alexis ( lexi)...JJ is the little one that got caught in the farting stampede)

And now its Sunday night and tomorrow's Monday and I have to go to work... Damn IT!!

The Lady Jane

Confession Friday: Keys are my Nemesis!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Sat, 02 May 2009 03:07:00 +0000

Just like the title states:

Keys are my Nemesis!!

I have soooo many key related stories and NONE of them are good. Everybody who knows me...KNOWS that I should not be entrusted with any kind of key for any reason, any time!! Seriously!

So here is Lady Jane's 2,890,560 entry into the lost, misplaced. damaged, broke, etc... KEY CHRONICLES

And this is my Confession: I totally threw my co-worker under the bus, or rather I just let the bus keep running over her...

I know, I know...I feel awful!!!!!!

Here's the story....

In the program that I am based out of there is the teacher, me (social worker) and two para pros. The teacher and I have keys to the doors and filing cabinets. There is also an extra set in a drawer in the teacher's desk..in case one of the Para's need one.

Some time last week I needed to open up a filing cabinet and instead of walking to my desk in the other room ( because I am that lazy) I used the extra set in the desk and true to form..I pocketed it afterwards without thinking.

Cut to Wednesday of this week:

I come into the classroom after being away in the morning for meetings and hear this loud DRILLING....the maintenance guy is there drilling the lock of the filing cabinet. Huh? I saw the teacher and raised my eyebrows..like whats going on here? She comes over very briskly and kind of dramatic like and proceeds to tell me that the keys are missing from her desk and that she knows that one of the para's lost it even though she is saying she didn't.

At first I was just nodding my head as she spoke and not say anything as that is what I usually do when she is venting because honestly she talks louder then she should when she is talking about the paras and to say that it is awkward is an understatement!! So I am nodding and trying to hurry through the venting so I can get away..when all of a sudden I have this flash of memory of ME putting those keys in my pocket! Oh gawd....I did it again! Damn keys...I hate keys with a passion. We just do not have a good relationship..they do not like me either! They are the bane of my existence!! ( I am not being dramatic..they really are! For real!)

A struggle with my conscious ensues... should I admit that it was me that took them or let the teacher believe the para did it....

I chose the latter. Not proud..not proud at all!

I have to but a disclaimer on this***

If the maintenance guy wasn't already drilling a hole into the filing cabinet at that minute...I totally would have fessed up...really I would have! BUT since it had already progressed that far and no one even thought to ask me if I had the keys before calling the maintenance guy then well....I just let them keep thinking that it couldn't possibly have been me. Hey I can hear you judging.. but its my first year there...I have already misplaced the credit card.... ( which they still don't know yet as I am positive that it will show up ..God, do you hear me??)...I can't possibly be responsible for this too!

I know Karma is going to get me on this one... it always does!

Damn Keys!!! **shakes fist**

I'm emotionally drained now..... good night:(

The Lady Jane ( and very bad co-worker...)

Cover has been blown!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Jane) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 09:07:00 +0000

Obviously you know that this blog is anonymous!
- NO pics
- I use a fake name ( Lady Jane is what my mom used to call me when I was in trouble growing up. Instead of using your first, middle , and last name as most parents do Nope...she just made up a whole new name altogether)

I have not told a single person in my real life about this blog and that is including the DUKE. Which is crazy because we tell each other everything..

the good ( "your so cute", "I got a raise", "your armpits look cool shaved")

the bad ("uhh..I lost the extra keys to the house", "yes, that was me who dented your car")

the ugly ( "you really need to go take a shower", "I have really bad diarrhea.")

You get my drift! So why may you ask I didn't tell him about the blog? I don't have a great answer for not telling him, but my reason for not telling anyone else is because I just wanted to carve out a little place in the world for little ol' me. I was selfish and really didn't want to let anyone else in, and really they know most the stories anyways. I loved the secrecy of it and if I was to be totally honest I harbored this fantasy that I would become a really big deal on the internet and get featured in a magazine or something or have like Ellen as a follower and I would be all" Oh, yeah, my blog. Yeah it is really big. I didn't tell you about it? Huh...sorry."

All those reason's are not the reason's I didn't tell the Duke.

Actually the Duke would have been fine with it and would even get some humor out of it. To tell the truth I'm not a 100% sure why I didn't tell him. I think I was meaning too...but I just didn't. I think I liked the cloak and dagger of it all!! Well...I suck at covering my tracks and have come to the sad realization that I would never be a good FBI agent, CIA, or anything else.

Because the DUKE found out and it wasn't because I told him. Damn him and his sleuthing ways...

I was out driving, doing something or another, when I get this phone call from him and the first thing he says..." Hey, its the Duke here!" Took me a minute to catch on and then it dawned on me...he found the blog!!!

Me: "Uhh...what???"

Duke: " So NOW i know why you have been spending so much time on the internet!"

Me: " Wait...what are you talking about?" ( Really I knew, but I was hoping just for a minute that he didn't actually find it and I totally misunderstood him and it was going to be like an episode of Full House or something....)

Duke: " I'm sitting here looking at stories of our life ON THE INTERNET!!" BTW..he is laughing. " I can't believe this"

and this is when he starts reading me excerpts from my posts... Ugh...and I felt really anxious because I had no control over what he was reading and I couldn't remember all that I had wrote..praying I wasn't forgetting a post where I totally slammed him ( of course I wouldn't do this...but it was a fleeting thought)

Duke " I can't believe you wrote about shoveling your own shit!!!" " Wait...is this?...(pause) you wrote about the tampon story??"

OK...at this time the only thing Duke became concerned with was how many posts he was in. He started flipping through the blog and counting the times mentioned and was actually very disappointed that he was only mentioned in a couple of posts....But he LOVES that his name is the Duke...he said " This makes me sound like I'm BIG from Sex and the city!" At this time I swear I heard his head getting bigger and bigger over the phone!

By the time I got home... The Duke had started his own blog and wanted to compete with mine...

Me: "Hunny, why is your blog called "The Drake Show"?

The Duke: "Uh...because that's the name you gave me on your blog!" while giving me the look like "Duh..."

Me: "Not Drake, hunny, Duke! Duke is what I call you."

The Duke: "aww..man!! Now it doesn't make any sense"

And that my friends was the extent of the Duke's blogging career.

THE LADY JANE