all we can do is just breathe.. and know that it ..again, will be okay. eventually.

This? This brown little bundle of love is what is bringing a smile to our faces right now..

a big THANK you to Andrea… Our sweet baby came from her and her wonderful family.

My marriage? It’s back on track.. yay for unconditional love, right?

For the next 2 weeks my life is seriously busy – but after that – I think I’ll be able to actually blog. Maybe?

xo

How have I changed personally?

I believe that I am more compassionate to others when it comes to life situations. Suffering the loss of a child has not only opened my eyes but it has also opened my heart. Additionally, I feel drawn to those who understand my loss and to those who are going through their own trials.

I am a stronger advocate throughout my life and my family’s life – especially in circumstances that I feel compelled about making a change or a difference. I certainly am more of a voice for what I believe in.

I find that my priorities have changed to reflect what matters most to me now. Spending time with friends and family has become much more of a precedence in my life.

Friendships have changed. People that I have been close with throughout my life have distanced themselves from myself and my family, often times they were worried about what to say or how to act after the loss of our son. That in itself adds to the grief. Not only was I dealing with the loss of a child, but dealing with the loss of friendships. Incredibly heartbreaking.

I cherish my friends and family. I am fortunate to have a close tight knit group of people who know me and love me and can respect the days that I cry, the days that my heart hurts the most and the days I want to do nothing else but talk about Tyler. Rekindling a friendship from my childhood has proven to be just what my heart needed. That person, thankfully – is a forever friend.

My marriage has been strengthened. Our love is forgiving, deep and understanding. We have persevered through the worst of the worst. We have held tight to each other and our marriage. We are stronger than ever. I am proud to be his wife; he is an incredible husband and father.

I may be a more cautious Mom, fearful at times and even bordering on overly protective. However, I try to be a supportive and loving Mom. I hope that someday our son will look back and see that. I am proud of the young man he has become. He is such amazing kid who has suffered such a horrible loss in his young life.

I try to find the joy in everyday, in everyone and everything. I honestly cherish life and try to never take anything for granted. Ever.

“Have faith and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you believe.” – Unknown

*Also posted at 5 Minutes for Special needs

Here is my post for the {W}rite of Passage  :  another chance to get it right

*I am by NO means a writer, but I strive to be better. That is why I want to do {W}rite of Passage.

I love photography. Love. But clearly, I am not a professional, just a girl who loves taking a picture or 2. So, ONCE a month I am going to post one of my favorite and current picture. Hence the name  Project {12} , 12 months, get it? heh.

Yes, that was me trying to be witty. Meh, never hurts to try.

This is part of my *plan* for the new year – to follow through.  To see something to the END.

This picture was taken on New Years Day – from my back door. I absolutely love it .  I love that you can see part of the plants underneath the snow, like a promise – that’ still there, waiting.

I’ve sat right here in front of my laptop and read a ton of blogs on how this year is going to be different, the resolutions that will be made or the un-resolutions ( a blog post which I love) and I’ve went back and re-read some of my very own posts from 2009. Boy was I ever a Debbie Downer . Blah.

Actually – there are a few posts that I feel like deleting – because I feel that they are very hurtful.. However, that’s what my heart was feeling at the time so – I’m in limbo about deleting .

I normally don’t make resolutions for the new year. Why? Simple.  I never follow through with them. EVER. I can’t recall a year that I have stuck to my guns and completed a resolution.  Failure isn’t something I want to continue doing, I mean come on, WHO likes to keep failing.  Perhaps I can call it something else? Maybe resolution is a word that I link to failing year after year? Perhaps listing them here will hold me more accountable – and I’m hoping by doing so , I can look back on 2010 and SEE that changes were made.

So – in no particular order ..

* Recommit myself to being healthy.  I need to lose .. I WANT to lose.

* Worry less

* Love more

* Blog once a day ( or so)

* Start taking pictures again

* Be honest with my feelings

This list could go on and on – but some of very personal and are kept deep inside my heart .   I’m ready. I’m ready for a New Year.  A New Year , another chance to get it right.

Honestly, I believe part of it is self control and MOST of  it is fear.  Fear of failing, so why try?  I want to FINALLY overcome that. I need to overcome that in my life, in SO many areas of my life.

I want to return back to “that girl”.. The girl my husband fell in love with, the girl that is STRONG and secure . The girl who strives to make smart choices in life , whether it’s financially or EATING HEALTHY.  I want to be the very best friend, Mother and wife that I can be.

So GOODBYE fear .. goodbye failing.. You’re so 2009.

I will ..  I WILL be that girl. .

xoxo

It was love.

The love from my husbands Mother .

The memory of her and I taking a walk on Christmas eve, arm in arm as the snow fell around us, talking and laughing and even moments of comfortable silence.

It wasn’t always this way .   Oh heavens no, you see – I was the girl who stole her sons heart. The girl that took him from his Momma, OR.. so she felt.  Initially, I was on probation with her.  Until THAT Christmas eve .  That walk together.  The gift she gave me that night was a gift from her heart. I’ll never forget how she turned to me and took my face into her hands and kissed my cheek, tears softly falling and her voice wavering.  She thanked ME. Thanked me for loving her son. I remember wiping my own tears and hugging her tight, promising always to love him with all of my heart. Always.

That night changed our entire relationship. That night it became a friendship, a mentorship of sorts. She became such an important part of my life.  She taught me SO much and she will forever be in my heart.

Rest in peace, Momma B . You are so missed ..  xoxo

*I am by NO means a writer, but I strive to be better. That is why I want to do this {W}rite of Passage. This post is LATE – but in all fairness, I was VERY ill over the holidays.

Bottom line – he’s gone..I gave him to my husband as a gift after Tyler passed away.  This dog, as silly as it  might seem to some ,was B’s lifeline.. When he couldn’t talk to anyone about his grief – the 2 of them would go on a hike and I know that is what helped heal his heart.

Anyhow – back to my plea on twitter..

A sweet SWEET girliepoo (@PrincessJenn) not only retweeted my post about finding a puppy for B – but she is contacting a breeder she knows..( AND – helped me reach my silly but serious goal I made for myself on how many followers before 2010)

This? THIS is truly what it’s all about..

So – Jenn.. You are the sweetest of sweet.. Your heart? Amazing..  Thank you.. xoxo

Here’s hoping that New Years will be considerably different.