Today At Work

Sensitive Info.

Guest — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:00:00 +0000

1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”
2nd Person: “A little. What’s wrong?”
1st Person: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”
2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?”
1st Person: “It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”

Stick Around

Guest — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:00:00 +0000

3 weeks ago I wiped a booger on the wall of the bathroom stall while I was taking a dump. As of today it was still hanging there.

Intelligence

Guest — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:00:00 +0000

I can’t believe that we are having a 60 minute meeting to discuss this. This should be a 2 minute process. My c-hole ex is talking now and hurting my brain because she thinks a plural is a planet. She just said something not funny and everyone but me laughed out of courtesy. Pet Peeves: her, meetings, my life. I need a beer, now. Right now. I have 6 warm coronas on my desk. Should I drink 1? or 2? I think I’ll put them in the fridge and drink them while I drive to the pub where I will drink more. Somebody please call me so I can leave. Help me. People cannot possibly think I am taking real notes. I don’t care. I wish they would stop talking. C-hole is talking now. I miss her and I mask that pain by talking shit. I’m going to hell. Now this other girl I mated with is talking. She is so stupid. Isn’t there a dish somewhere looking for its rag? If I gave her a brain, she would have 1 brain. The combined intelligence of everyone in this room, not counting me, makes my brain hurt. That guy in the blue shirt is pretty bright. Everyone but he and I are non-smart. The party pics came out nice. Glen should re-post his craigslist ad and put, “seeking non-chunky and non-ugly.” haha I crack myself up. C-hole just said something lame and the only one that laughed was her. She just did it again. They thrive on chaos. They are talking about a process that should take 5 minutes. The way they want to do it will take 5 hours. C-hole just suggested a process that would triple my workload. My manager shot her down. Go Timmy, it’s your birthday. Mercifully, it ends. Beer time.

Incidental Infedelity

Guest — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:00:00 +0000

We have a bulletin board in our office and I’ve tried to turn it into a matchmaking service for the people I work with. I put up fliers that advertised that a particular co-worker is interested in dating around and seeing what type of response I can get.

For example, today I put up a flier that reads: “SWM looking for the love of his life. I’m a fun loving guy with most of his hair and a great smile. An acceptable mate will know how to play backgammon and must love animals. Must also be a non-smoker with two legs and an IQ of at least 140. If interested please contact Joe at joe@[mycompanysname].com”

Joe will most likely not be pleased when he finds this note posted on the bulletin board. Joe is married.

Knock Out

Guest — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:00:00 +0000

I work in a secured facility and in order to get into any of our doors you have to swipe your name badge in front of this little magnetic card reader. The readers are crappy and delayed. It takes them a while to read your card. In order for the reader to work well you have to stand really close to the door.

The problem is that people coming out of the facility do not need to swipe their cards to exit and there are no windows on the doors.

A day ago I was in a huge rush so I charged through the secured door and drilled a lady who was standing out the outside of the door swiping her card. I nailed her right in the shoulder and she went flying backwards. Luckily someone was behind her and caught her before she fell.

What Time Is It?

Guest — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:00:00 +0000

I work in a watch repair shop and whenever anyone comes in the store a door chime sounds. The chime is a man with a British accent asking: “Excuse me sir, do you have the time?”

Ordinarily, this would probably be fine. The problem is when a woman walks into the store she is basically greeted as a man. Most ladies don’t really notice, but occasionally we’ll get a live wire femo-nazi who get’s super offended. Screw you Susan B. Anthony. The only time you need to know is breakfast, lunch, and dinner time.

I Don’t Get It

Guest — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 05:00:00 +0000

Why does everyone on my team at work think that im gay?!

Late

Guest — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 05:00:00 +0000

We are supposed to be at work by 9:30AM, at which time we have a brief meeting to discuss everyone’s agenda for the day. Today, the bosses were going out of town on a business trip, so everyone showed up late. Unfortunately, the boss’s flight had been canceled, and he was here waiting for all of us at the regular time. oops.

Poo Water

Guest — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 05:00:00 +0000

we ran out of water today in the cooler. The tap water tastes like diapers. Thank god it’s a friday.

We Got a First Timer

Guest — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 05:00:00 +0000

I work at an upscale restaurant taking reservations and handling phones. It is not unusual to have some dude call and try and be a bigshot by paying for someone’s dinner over the phone, to surprise the party dining downstairs. So the new girl working last night spoke with a guy who wanted to do this. Took his credit card and everything, it was for his parents anniversary. Then, instead of telling anyone at all, she e-mails this information to me, knowing full well I will not arrive until the morning. The couple whose dinner was supposed to be paid for called about 10 minutes after they left and were not happy. Neither was the guy who wanted to pay. I am stuck dealing with this, while this girl gave me a blank stare as to what she did wrong.
This is the first week of this with her, I’m not pleased.