Tim Karan of Alternative Press

Can I embed my plaque on my Facebook page?

2009-04-03T17:24:00.009-04:00

I'm not 100 percent on this, but I'm pretty sure that if you ask most garage bands when they're just starting out what achievements they'd like to accomplish, you're probably less likely to hear, "Get inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame" than you are to hear, "Date someone on Gossip Girl."

Still, for an insanely small number of those garage bands, they're gonna end up with the plaque at the Rock Hall.

This weekend, AP's neighbors at the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame welcomed in a fresh new batch of inductees. English guitarist Jeff Beck really kinda fits the mold considering it's kind of difficult to delineate his career from that of Eric Clapton, and even Run-D.M.C. are pretty universally revered as pioneers of both the worlds of hip-hop and bling.

But the dark horses of this year's class are the metal and merchandising machine of Metallica.

While it really kinda makes sense for Lars And The Gang to be enshrined, it's sort of an eye-opener that some of the bands of our generation are eventually gonna be honored alongside Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones.

So who are some of our most likely candidates? And what are their odds of making it in?

GREEN DAY

ELIGIBLE: 2015

THEIR CHANCES: Pretty frickin good.

Unless you've only been listening to EMF and Saigon Kick since 1990, you know that Green Day have been one of the biggest bands in the pop-punk and alternative music scenes since grunge was buried in its Doc Martens. But aside from huge radio hits and a few graduation party anthems like "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)," it wasn't until 2004's American Idiot that Green Day solidified their place in the upper echelon of "important" rock acts that even your Aunt Berniece knows about. And when it comes to getting into something like the Rock Hall, you really need to count on the Aunt Berniece vote.

BLINK-182

ELIGIBLE: 2019

THEIR CHANCES: Not completely out of the question.

Before they announced their reunion, Blink-182 probably had about as much chance of getting into the Hall Of Fame as You Don't Mess With The Zohan had of winning Best Picture. Sure, they influenced about 93 percent of the bands in AP, but did you notice the kind of underwhelming response they got when they announced the reunion at the Grammys? Kids at home were flipping shit, but Mr. and Mrs. Sting had no idea who Blink were. Now that Blink 2.0 are around, they're instantly kind of catapulted into a level of importance that their own American Idiot could bump them up into the Green Day stratosphere. The fact that Travis survived an effing plane crash has to work in their favor, too. Key factor: They need to focus on keeping their pants on. Bob Seger doesn't put up with that kind of shit.

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

ELIGIBLE: 2027

THEIR CHANCES: Gettin' better.

Here's the thing: In 2027, who's gonna be on the board of voters for the Rock Hall? Probably the 25 year-olds of today. And who is gonna seem like a "classic" rock band to them? My guess is it'll be the band who blended everything from Queen to Sgt. Pepper, uniforms and all. Even without all the pomp of The Black Parade, My Chem have been iconic enough to a generation that they could saunter their way into the Rock Hall. And wouldn't it be sweet to see Bert McCracken call them onstage?

TAKING BACK SUNDAY

ELIGIBLE: 2027

THEIR CHANCES: TBD

Taking Back Sunday are the emo-quivalent of the movie Bottle Rocket--great on its own, but it seems like everyone who's been involved goes onto pretty big things. First, there's the whole Long Island-scene thing. It was sort of the modern-day Haight-Ashbury. Then there's the fact that TBS spawned offshoots like Brand New, Straylight Run and, well, the Color Fred. Everybody's all abuzz over the new Taking Back Sunday album, and maybe that'll put them on the Rock Hall-approved career course. And yes, I'm incredibly proud of the word "emo-quivalent."

FALL OUT BOY

ELIGIBLE: 2028

THEIR CHANCES: Seems unlikely.
Maybe I just have a difficult time believing that a band named after a Simpsons character can ever be seriously considered for the Rock Hall. Then again, the Lovin' Spoonful are in there. Fall Out Boy seem to be the next logical band in the Green Day/Blink-182 line, and for better or worse, Pete Wentz is practically synonymous with everything about today's mass-marketed musical climate. Sure, FOB have created some pretty timeless tunes, but you kinda get the feeling that this band's future reputation is gonna ride pretty heavily on how the next couple of decades go for Pete and the Mrs. and how legitimate future generations consider TMZ.

INTERNET KILLED THE VIDEO STAR

Hey, while I got ya, I figured I'd reward you for making it the whole way to the end of my ramblings. Here's the skinny on a few brand new songs posted online this week that you can head towards. Just come back to Altpress.com when you're done, k?

I've got a mouth to feed, you know.

Jimmy Eat World -- "A Sunday (from Clarity Live)"
Cobra Starship -- "Pete Wentz Is The Only Reason We're Famous"
Mae -- "A Melody, A Memory"
The Bled -- "When Exiting Your Vehicle" and "Mouthbreather" demos
Zao -- "What Will You Find?"
As Cities Burn -- "84' Sheepdog"
Conor Oberst -- "Slowly (Oh So Slowly)"
Green Day -- Clip from "Know Your Enemy"

South By So What?

2009-03-28T02:44:00.009-04:00

It seems like forever since last we spoke.

The world is now a different place. Soundgarden got back together without Chris Cornell, which is the grunge equivalent of Double Stuf Oreos without the Double Stuf. Craig Owens debuted his 36th side-project, Isles & Glaciers, at AP's South By Southwest party. And I'm not even gonna get into the mind-boggling changes that went on over the past two episodes of Lost.

But instead of focusing on current and potentially relevant goings-on with this particular blog, I'm gonna take it back to October 2008-era Tim Karan blogs.

Translation: I'm mostly gonna talk about myself.

What can I say? I'm devastatingly interesting. 400 Twitter followers can't be wrong.

But here's the pretense under which I'll provide my masturbatory account of the past couple weeks: I went to the aforementioned South By Southwest festival in Austin, Texas. Even if you followed my informative and occasionally drunken updates from the road, I figured I'd let you guys know how it went in increments larger than 140 characters.

So here's the thing about SXSW.

Although it's a four-day booze and music fest for most of the people stumbling to the nearest Fake Problems performance, if you're an industry-type (which I'm told I'm supposed to be), SXSW isn't really that different from an orthodontists convention at the Atlantic City Sheraton And Conference Center. But instead of talking about synergy next to exhibits on cutting edge bonding adhesives, we go talk about synergy next to a Jaguar Love show.

This was actually my first time at South By Southwest, and let me tell ya: The first thing anyone thinking of going needs is two gratuitously padded pairs of comfortable shoes. Everybody warned me ahead of time, but nobody could've prepared me for the searing pain of four days on your feet. By Day 2, I'd worn a hole in the bottom of my left shoe like I was a damn Charles Dickens character.

I felt like I was dying from the feet up.

But I still managed to see and do some pretty sweet stuff.

HANDS-DOWN BEST REAL SHOW: Manchester Orchestra @ Radio Room Patio.
If you pull out your issue of AP 250 and flip to page 109, you'll see the lead review I wrote on Manchester's upcoming album. I won't ruin the surprise for you, but let's just say I like it. Anyway, I was a few rows back for the show, standing on uneven, loose gravel. But it was without a doubt, an amazing set. They played nothing but new songs (of which you'll see I'm quite the fan) and their stage presence was effing insane. Have you ever seen keyboardist Chris Freeman onstage? Dude's playing air guitar, pulling his shirt over his head and smoking the whole time. And, to top it off, the encore was a slowed down, hoed-down version of the theme song from The Fresh Prince.

HANDS-DOWN BEST UNREAL SHOW: Silversun Pickups, Metallica, DJ Shadow @ Stubb's.
First of all, these were three big check marks that had been absent on my list of acts I need to see before the 2012 Armageddon. Now I got 'em all. Metallica playing SXSW is kind of like U2 playing the Baldwin County Strawberry Festival. It was a "secret" show that leaked out the week before the festival, but it was probably the most difficult show to get into. I was able to rely on mover/shaker Scott Heisel to snag us photo passes that didn't allow us to take photos, but did allow us get in. And that was all we needed to maneuver our way straight to the front barricade. Now, I'm one of those guys who refuses to wear earplugs to shows even though I'm almost assured not to have any hearing by the time I'm 33. And I tried it for Metallica. During soundcheck, I literally lost 19% of my brain function. Believe you me. That's a serious amount for me to lose.

Here's a cell phone pic Scott managed to snag:

We were so close, I got hit with some of James Hetfield's beer.
That's a good, good time right there.

COOLEST SHOW I'D NEVER SEE ANYWHERE ELSE: Right Away, Great Captain! @ St. David's Church
Okay, so this is yet another Manchester Orchestra-related band, since it's frontman Andy Hull's side-project. But if you'd been there, you'd put it on this list too. It was in this little community room in St. David's Church and it was just Andy, a guitar and an amp. He played The Eventually Home from start to finish and told the incredibly complicated backstory behind every song. I was so close, he started to ask me for help with his amp.

MOST UNCOMFORTABLE SHOW: Earlimart @ Central Presyterian Church
Yeah, another church show. But this one took place in a straight up church. Like frontman Aaron Espinoza was set up literally on the altar and the sound guy was up in the choir box. Aaron did the show solo with a sweet multimedia video set-up and tons of bells and whistles that the confused parishioners (who must have gotten free tickets to shows at their church) didn't fully comprehend. But when Espinoza played "Great Heron Gates," with the line, "But Jesus are you really there?," most of those parishioners took their well-dressed toddlers and promptly left. Still, I thought it was an awesome show and one that I'd probably never get to be at in any other situation.

JUST THE WORST SHOW EVER: Third Eye Blind @ Austin Convention Center
Look, I was never on board with Third Eye Blind. When I was a teenager, they were just another radio rock band with hollow-yet-catchy hits on Now That's What I Call Music 43. Then, all of a sudden, thanks to Ryan Ross and a bunch of others, 3eb became instantly influential. I still wasn't convinced, so I went to see them at a show that was recorded for TV. I'm sorry, kiddo, but I immediately knew I wanted to leave. But I couldn't. They were recording it for TV. The lyrics to the new songs are clinically horrible and the when it was over, I felt like I'd just watched a group of music education majors performing "Happiness: A Medley of Hits from 1994" at a mid-level amusement park. Stephen Jenkins thinks he's some sort of pretentious cross between Bono, Jesus Christ and Weird Al Yankovic.

Case in point:

Dude. You're in Third Eye Blind. You don't see the dude from Collective Soul with a Christ complex.

CRAZIEST SHOW EVER OF THE WEEK: The AP Party @ Emo's
Obviously, I'm biased because I want to keep my job. Still, you can't debate the staggering insanity that was the line outside of Emo's for this thing. It stretched about five city blocks at like 10 a.m. That's pretty easily the longest line at this year's festival--although I'm not sure how many people stood in line to see Kanye West. But three stages, a zillion kids, the bands of the AP Tour along with the Used and the first show by Isles & Glaciers... all for free? If you didn't make it, don't fret. I ran around like like the world's fastest emo recording performances for you. We're posting them on the site and some are up already.

Check out:

3OH!3 playing "Punkbitch"

Family Force 5 playing "Numb"

The Maine playing "The Way We Talk"

And while I got ya, you should really also check out our cool exclusive videos of performances from bands in unconventional settings. Like:
The Matches on a police vehicle in the middle of the street

Cursive in some office park alcove

We've got plenty more on the way, too. You're gonna wanna see...

All in all, I had a good time at SXSW. I had a few drinks at a place I thought was the Alamo but turned out to be a Taco Bell. And that, my friends, is symptomatic of a good time.

SIX MORE THINGS WE THINK WE LEARNED THIS WEEK

Okay, so this week I'm trying something new with the news briefs.
Normally I'd give you some snarky take on whatever interesting stuff I think is going on. But enough about me.
I'm gonna pull some of the best comments from the news stories to do the talking for me.
Wanna make it in the next blog?
Start commenting, kid!
(Man, being the web editor translates to a lot more shameless pimping than I anticipated. Way more than when I was actually dabbling in pimping.)

Brand New cancels show in Alaska due to volcano
3/27/09 @ 5:15 PM
akbaysidegirl Posted 03.27.09 at 07:13PM
This sucks. that probably means the get up kids aren't playing either doesn't it. stupid volcano

Muse to open for U2, announce fall world tour
3/27/09 @ 12:48 PM
ludojoalex Posted 03.27.09 at 02:05PM
You meant to say U2 is opening for muse..right?

Brokencyde return trash talk to tourmate Buddy Neilsen
3/26/09 @ 10:53 AM
ryanmmacoustic Posted 03.26.09 at 04:34PM
[Brokencyde said,] "We're on tour with his band and helping them sell out venues in every city across the U.S." What in God's earth led you to believe that you were in anyway positively effecting Senses Fail's ticket sales? Trust me they can sell out shows on their own, they need no help from scenester rappers. lol. Brokencyde you make me giggle

Green Day announce 21st Century Breakdown release date
3/25/09 @ 10:30 AM
MCR_muggle Posted 03.25.09 at 11:41PM
Movies usually come out on Friday, and it's a concept album/rock opera, right? That's more like a movie, except better. xD

P.O.S. covering Pearl Jam's "Why Go" video up
3/24/09 @ 9:30 PM
aheadoftheCURVEtype Posted 03.25.09 at 10:16PM
POS is awesome. and very attractive. and a really nice guy. this song is pretty sweeeeet.

"Emo" fourth most "dangerous" word on the internet
3/24/09 @ 9:00 AM
LeahintheStreet Posted 03.24.09 at 10:22AM
Well I guess the AP website will be blocked for including 5 of the top 10 words every parent should fear....ha ha

I wanna Tweet you like an animal.

2009-03-16T21:27:00.009-04:00

Okay.

Originally, I wasn't gonna make a big deal out this.

Partially because it involves two of my most beloved teenage idols. Partially because I don't wanna turn this blog into a chronicle of celebrity smackdowns.

But, damn it. There's something fascinating about this one to me.

So Nine Inch Nails chairman Trent Reznor (who has been on the cover of AP something like 431 times, almost all between the months of December 1993 and April 1994) wrote on his Twitter account last week that he's far from a fan of the new Chris Cornell solo album, Scream. Reznor said in 140 characters or less, "You know that feeling you get when somebody embarrasses themselves so badly YOU feel uncomfortable? Heard Chris Cornell's record? Jesus."

Cornell retweeted fire with this: "What do you think Jesus would twitter? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Has anyone seen Judas? He was here a minute ago."

First of all, in the off chance that either masters Reznor or Cornell are reading this, I want you both to know that I literally have framed pictures of both of you in my apartment and I owe 86 percent of my former teenage angst to you--angst that I rolled over into a marginally lucrative career as a music editor.

But I kind of agree with Reznor. Look, when Cornell released his first solo album, Euphoria Morning, in 1999, I definitely spent $42.99 on a Japanese import just to get the B-side of "Nowhere But You." But for Scream, Cornell turned to Justin Timberlake's boy Timbaland to produce.

This collaboration led to an album that makes my 15-year-old self weep for even more reasons that I'll never understand and to photo ops like this:

In this picture Cornell looks a lot like at least two of my uncles. So I can't stay mad at him. But Reznor was onto something.

But here's the most disturbing part of this whole ugly situation: It's clear now that Twitter is yet another venue where whatever you say will inevitably come back to haunt you. It's a legitimate information source. I mean, each Tweet serves as a source for news on websites from here to Ashley Tisdale.

Hell, even I used Tweets as direct quotes. And that in and of itself is a sentence I wouldn't even have understood 16 months ago.

I guess the thing we can all learn is this: Instant gratification micro-blogging cannot be used for evil.

Do we really all want to get sucked into these cyber-wars where we're sniping and undermining each other through crazy-advanced technological devices?

George Orwell would be saying, "I told you so" while sipping his vanilla hazelnut chai latte and perusing TMZ.

(Perhaps this isn't the best time to mention it, but follow me at http://twitter.com/TimKaran.)

Radio Diss Me

2009-03-05T15:32:00.011-05:00

It's been a rough two-week stretch for Radiohead.

Actually, it would have been a rough two-week stretch if Radiohead had any desire to be cognizant of what other human creatures think of them.

Last week, as you know, the Cure frontman Robert Smith pissed on Radiohead letting fans pay what they want for In Rainbows.

Now they've stirred the unbridled fury of one Destiny Hope Cyrus--known around the world as Miley Cyrus; known around first grade classrooms as Hannah Montana; known around my apartment as "Not Hilary Duff....the other one....no, not Amanda Bynes...Hayley Duff?"

Apparently Miley (if that is her real name--which it clearly is not) became enraged when she was refused face time with Radiohead (who she claims are her favorite band) at last month's Grammys.

This past Tuesday, her royal heinous told a radio show that, "They're my rock gods. These are the only people I would cry over." But when her manager tried to make it happen, captain, Radiohead said they weren't down. She said, "it's not like I was going to bring my crew. I had already texted all my friends that my life will be complete [if I got to meet them]." Miley was so offended that she couldn't even force herself to stick around long enough to watch Radiohead's performance. "I was so upset. I wasn't going to watch. Stinkin' Radiohead! I'm gonna ruin them, I'm going to tell everyone."

Okay.

1. Radiohead are not Miley Cyrus' rock gods. That is a scientific fact. Nobody can listen to and appreciate a complex and startlingly original song like "Motion Picture Soundtrack" and then go into a studio and record "Breakout."

2. For being the only people she would ever cry over, she seems to know absolutely nothing about them. If she had even a cursory understanding of who Radiohead are, she'd realize that Radiohead would never, ever, ever want to talk to Miley Cyrus.

3. She couldn't hang around to watch them? It's freaking RADIOHEAD. This isn't my cousin Stewart's Velvet Revolver cover band. If Thom Yorke came up to me, tossed me in a burlap sack filled with Peruvian biting turtles and despair, I'd still hang out to watch Radiohead.

4. I kinda get the feeling that Miley was kidding when she said she would ruin them. Even she has to realize that the offspring of this can't destroy a band like Radiohead. The only thing Miley Cyrus can ruin is the current state of popular music.

Sorry, kiddo. But I loved you in She's The Man.

TWO MORE THINGS WE THINK WE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. I love the '90s Part Deux.

Maybe everyone's afraid of the 2012 apocalypse. Or maybe everyone is just so nervous about the economy that they're getting their most profitable bands back together and letting bygones be bottom-lines. Whatever the cause, it's a great time to own a pair of Zubaz pants or become a fourth-level Macarena dancer. Third Eye Blind, Blink-182, Limp Bizkit, No Doubt, Jane's Addiction, Faith No More, Sublime and now even the artist formerly known as Michael Jackson are all on the comeback trail. At this point, we're only weeks away from reunion tours from Saigon Kick and I Mother Earth. (For more information on bands like Saigon Kick and I Mother Earth, please visit your nearest unemployed 32 year-old cousin.)

2. If this is selling out, ring me up.

No matter which side of the aisle you fall into when it comes to little-known, French existentialist act Fall Out Boy, you really gotta love their new online game, Fall Out Boy Trail. If you don't, then you obviously grew up in an age where video games had already moved up above 8-bit quality. Based on the '80s home computer classic Oregon Trail, it was released just a few days ago and thanks to its rampant popularity, it's already seen a re-release with more features. I gotta say, it's funnier than about 93 percent of the video games out there and probably funnier than about 32 percent of the movies out there.

Not She's The Man, though.

Boys apparently do cry.

2009-02-26T15:11:00.005-05:00

Look, I'm sorry about the pictures.

I needed to depict this story.

It's called a slow news week, people. Just be thankful I decided to avoid this whole debacle.

But I guess you have to ask yourself: By posting that link, did I actually avoid the debacle? Or did I just perpetuate it?

You also have to ask yourself: Is he just using 49-cent words to mask the obvious ridiculousness of the blog he's writing?

Of course not. That would be reprehensible.

What was I talking about? Oh, right. This whole Robert Smith thing.

For a seemingly easy-going, happy-go-lucky sorta guy, Smith is coming off just a little fussy these days. Is it because he's looking more and more like Doc Brown every day?

Not entirely.

No, Smith made some comments this week that he "disagreed violently" with Radiohead allowing fans to pay whatever they deemed appropriate for their most recent full-length, In Rainbows. Robbie said, "You can't allow other people to put a price on what you do, otherwise you don't consider what you do to have any value at all and that's nonsense. If I put a value on my music and no one's prepared to pay that, then more fool me, but the idea that the value is created by the consumer is an idiot plan, it can't work."

Nobody's debating that Smith definitely has a solid grasp on the fundamentals of capitalism. He's got that shit down.

But apparently nobody wanted to give him any spoilers and he missed the part where In Rainbows hit No. 1 in both the U.S. and the U.K., and still managed to net Radiohead guitarist Johnny Greenwood a glockenspiel made entirely out of diamond and the tears of orphaned panda bears.

And I don't know anyone who paid a cent for it.

Look, I'm not an economist. But I'm thinking I'm gonna start telling people they can pay whatever they want to pay for this blog.

I'm still savin' up for that sweet jet ski.

2 More Things We Think We Learned This Week

Girl Power isn't dead. Two of the Spice Girls could be, but Girl Power is fine.

Dates were revealed for this summer's No Doubt/Paramore tour, which features a bunch of shows with the Sounds. For those with conscious memories of 1998, this will be the greatest concentration of X chromosomes on one stage since the heyday of Lilith Fair. Though I have a hunch there's gonna be a lot more frat boys at this.

iTunes is savin' up for its own sweet jet ski

Apparently tired of getting richer in 99-cent increments, Apple launched its first "iTunes Pass" this week with a package deal surrounding Depeche Mode. For $18.99, you'll get the upcoming Depeche Mode album and basically every other official release from the band within the next couple of months--from exlusive singles to videos. All in all, it ain't a bad deal if you're into pouty British electro-pop (which, believe me: I am). But passes for your favorite bands are likely sure to follow. Think you'd plop down twenty bucks for a Panic At The Disco or Brand New iTunes Pass?

Either way, Robert Smith's gotta be happy you can't name your price.

Touch And...ah, hell.

2009-02-18T23:39:00.007-05:00

I had the perfect title.

I was gonna call this blog, "Touch And Gone," and talk about how the downsizing of Touch And Go Records is sad for about three zillion reasons, not the least of which being: Where will Ted Leo go now? Is he warm? I hope he's warm.

I even went and got quotes from folks at some of the labels (like Jade Tree, Kill Rock Stars and Merge) that used T&G for distribution. But I was so busy working on Scott's awesome interview with Mark Hoppus that another blog stole my title. To be fair, I guess it wasn't all that original of a title in the first place. Yeah, it's deflating, but there are issues going on that are bigger than me and my misplaced creativity.

In case you missed it, legendary indie label Touch And Go drastically scaled down its operation this week and announced that they would not only stop releasing new albums, but they'd have to stop doing the distribution work they did for the aforementioned labels among others. For those of you who didn't know that actual physical copies of albums exist outside of iTunes, it takes a distributor like T&G to put those CDs (and if you live in my hometown: cassette singles) on record store shelves. Of course, if you're lost on what CDs are, there's no way you can wrap your head around the concept of record stores, which popular movies will tell you were places of magic and wonder, where you could browse through a seemingly endless bounty of albums, occasionally argue over the best songs to listen to on a Monday morning and/or host a signing with Rex Manning.

Although the labels I spoke with all said they're definitely bummed on the news, most of the reps --like Kill Rock Stars VP Maggie Vail--told me that it's just sort of the nature of the business these days. "All of our titles will just be moved over to our new distro," she said. "We aren't anticipating much of a hiccup at all."

But the real story is that Touch And Go was a model record label. Seriously. Other labels grew up idolizing T&G. Forget the fact that T&G released some of the most influential and groundbreaking albums of the past three decades from the likes of the Jesus Lizard, Girls Against Boys, Big Black, Blonde Redhead and Slint. That alone would've made the label legendary. But within the music business, it was common knowledge that label head Corey Rusk ran a flawless operation and treated everyone in the industry with the kind of respect that the industry just isn't used to. And if this happened to this label, what does that mean?

Jade Tree co-owner and president Darren Walters told me that the news is bad, bad sign. "It's an illustration of how both the decline of the U.S. economy and music sales combined have the power to deal blows to music companies that not even the best, the brightest, the biggest or most solvent of us may be able to weather," he said. "This may only be the tip of the iceberg."

Look.

Music ain't gonna go anywhere. Until teenagers decide they don't need to rebel or compartmentalize each other based on aesthetics, musicians will always have their place.

But, man.

If you have conscious memories of buying albums on cassette, or in extreme cases: albums, the end of Touch And Go represents much more than just the end of Touch And Go.

Marketing like it's 1999

2009-02-11T17:09:00.008-05:00

Significant Other?

Limp Bizkit picked a weird week to reunite

Would you let me get away with saying, "What's old is nu again?"

Yeah, I didn't think so. And you'd be right to stop me.

This week's biggest news of 1997 comes from the announcement that nu-metal misanthropes Limp Bizkit are putting their original (or "classic," if you're a douche) lineup back together after going on hiatus in 2005.

Look, I can't even begin to pretend that I know what lead yelper Fred Durst has going on underneath that baseball cap, or how long this rap-rock revelation has been in the works. But of all the weeks to announce you're getting back together, you choose this one? Just days after Blink-182? Did inspiration strike Durst last Sunday after seeing Blink onstage together? Did he immediately text erstwhile guitarist Wes Borland something along the lines of, "my hart s in a blender. lets gt bac 2getha"?

Regardless, Durst has said that the reason that the band were "disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music." What's unclear, however, is what Durst considers "heavy popular music." Is it Underoath? Or is it Thriving Ivory? Who knows what he considers popular because, well, he likes Limp Bizkit.

Here's the thing.

(I'd really appreciate it if any of the other editors of AP could stop reading right now.)

I'm not nearly as appalled by this as I presumably should be.

I'm kinda curious to see what Limp Bizkit 2009 sound like. After all, this is the "classic" lineup. And they can't be anymore out-of-touch than Axl Rose seems to be.

Here's the question: If Blink-182 announced that they would be bringing Limp Bizkit with them on their tour in a sort of "Party Like It's 1999 Tour," would you go?

2 MORE THINGS WE THINK WE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. Wanna snag a Hollywood starlet? Play some indie-rock.

Word got out this week that quirky-handsome indie crooner Ryan Adams is engaged to clinically attractive actress/XTC fan Mandy Moore. This after Death Cab For Cutie/Postal Service frontman Ben Gibbard revealed his engagement to actress/jazz cabaret fan Zooey Deschanel. Clearly, guys, if you're hoping to steal Scarlett Johansson from Ryan Reynolds, you're gonna need the following:

Acoustic guitar
Glasses
Extensive library of your own heartbroken music
No more than two degrees of separation with Jenny Lewis

2. Angels & Airwaves aren't going away ever. Not ever.

Amid the palpable jubilation that washed over the land in the wake of Blink-182's reunion, a few concerned citizens wondered aloud: "But what about Angels & Airwaves?" Turns out that Tom DeLonge's other band won't spell the end of AVA. He blogged, "Angels & Airwaves is never going to go away. Don't worry. Just a little something different for a bit. Stay tuned! AVA has a lot coming." So there ya go. Does that mean Blink-182 are technically a side-project? Dum, dum, dummmmmm...

A Brief History Of Blink-182

2009-02-08T14:09:00.026-05:00

All is suddenly right in the rock world.

Ending months (if not years) of speculation, pop-punk icons Blink-182 announced Sunday at the Grammys that they will end their four-year hiatus and that they're back together. They didn't reveal any specific details onstage, but moments later, the band left a message on their revamped website saying that they are currently in the studio writing and recording a record. "Summer 2009" is also mentioned, implying either a release of that record or perhaps a tour.

How did we get here?

Let's take a look back...

1992
San Diego, CA--Vocalist/guitarist Tom DeLonge is introduced to vocalist/bassist Mark Hoppus through Hoppus' sister, Anne. The pair recruit drummer Scott Raynor and form pop-punk band Duck Tape. DeLonge later comes up with the new name, "Blink."

1993
Blink release about 1,000 cassette copies of Buddha, which would be re-released on CD in 1998.

1994
Blink sign to Cargo Music and record their debut full-length Cheshire Cat. The band are pressured to change their name by an Irish pop band who go by the same name. The Yankee Blink trio add "182" to their moniker.

1996
Blink-182 record Dude Ranch with producer Mark Trombino.

1997
Dude Ranch is released and sells 1.5 million copies worldwide.

1998
Hoppus and DeLonge replace Raynor midway through the 1998 Sno-Core tour with Aquabats drummer Travis Barker.

1999
Blink-182 release the Jerry Finn-helmed Enema Of The State, featuring hit singles "What's My Age Again?," "All The Small Things" and "Adam's Song." After being embraced by MTV for their whimsical persona and satirical music videos, the band move more than 15 million copies of the album.

2000
Blink-182 release The Urethra Chronicles DVD and the live album, The Mark, Tom And Travis Show (The Enema Strikes Back!). The music video for "All The Small Things" wins "Best Group Video" at the VMAs.

2001
Blink-182's fourth full-length, Take Off Your Pants And Jacket, debuts at No. 1 on the Billboard Top 200. It features the singles "The Rock Show," "First Date" and "Stay Together For The Kids."

2002
The band co-headline the Pop Disaster Tour with Green Day. DeLonge and Barker release the self-titled debut of their side-project, Box Car Racer. Barker also joins super-group the Transplants with Rancid's Tim Armstrong.

2003
Box Car Racer disband after a headlining tour. Blink-182 release their self-titled full-length, featuring the singles "Feeling This," "I Miss You," "Down" and "Always." The band embark on the DollaBill Tour, a return to smaller venues for the band.

2004
Blink-182 share a summer amphitheater tour with No Doubt. The band play what would later be recognized as their final show on Dec. 16 at The Point Depot in Dublin, Ireland.

2005
In mid-February, the band cancel their scheduled performance at Music For Relief's Concert For South Asia and they cancel their subsequent tour. On Feb. 22, Tom DeLonge leaves Blink-182 and the band go on "indefinite hiatus." Geffen Records release a greatest hits album in November, which ascends to No. 6 on the Billboard Top 200.

2006
The Transplants break up. DeLonge's new band Angels & Airwaves (featuring Hazen Street guitarist David Kennedy, Distillers bassist Ryan Sinn and Offspring drummer Atom Willard--30 Seconds To Mars bassist Matt Wachter would later replace Sinn) release their debut We Don't Need To Whisper on May 23 and the album debuts at No. 4 on the Billboard Top 200. (+44), the new project of Hoppus and Barker, release their own debut, When Your Heart Stops Beating, on Nov. 14. It debuts at No. 10 on the Billboard Top 200.

2007
(+44) take part in the Honda Civic Tour with Fall Out Boy, the Academy Is... and Cobra Starship. In August, (+44) cancel European shows in order to concentrate on their next album. Angels & Airwaves release their sophomore full-length, I-Empire, on Nov. 6. DeLonge unveils Modlife, a social networking website and online operating system for musicians.

2008
Angels & Airwaves perform on every date of the Vans Warped Tour and embark on a fall tour with Weezer. On Sept. 19, Travis Barker is critically injured in a plane crash in Columbia, South Carolina.

Although Hoppus says that his relationship with DeLonge is improving in November, Barker promptly denies that Blink-182 will reunite.

January 2009
An interview with Hoppus surfaces in which he hints that (+44) are finished and that a reunion with Blink-182 isn't an impossibility. He also reveals that he and Barker are working on solo records. Angels & Airwaves reportedly begin work on their third album. AP readers vote Blink-182 as "Band Reunion I'd Like To See in 2009" in the annual AP Readers' Poll.

Feb. 5, 2009
Band announce they'll appear onstage together as presenters at the 51st Grammy Awards.

Feb. 8, 2009
Blink-182 announce they will reunite.

Blink back?

2009-02-05T17:23:00.019-05:00

I GUESS THIS IS GROWING UP?

BLINK-182 to "reunite" for Grammys

Once you've spent most of your career in the public eye wearing nothing but tighty-whiteys and putting porn stars on your album covers, where do you turn for shock value?

In the case of pop-punk czars Blink-182, you come out of straight nowhere (after spending much of your time since your last show in 2004 insisting that you'll never reunite) and announce that all three members will stand onstage together to present an award at the Grammys.

That's just what Mark Hoppus, Tom DeLonge and Travis Barker did on Thursday when the Grammys sent out a press release saying that the trio will do just that at the awards on Sunday. (By the way, Grammys publicists, you probably coulda slid that little tidbit into the headline instead of burying it beneath bowel-clenching mentions of Neil Diamond and M.I.A.--just sayin'.)

But was this really that unexpected?

Hints that Blink might be on less than violent terms with each other began surfacing right after drummer Travis Barker miraculously survived a horrific plane accident last September. In November, vocalist/bassist Mark Hoppus blogged that he and estranged vocalist/guitarist Tom DeLonge were "reconnecting as friends." Although Barker flat-out denied that a reunion would become reality the following month, speculation began to fly when Hoppus admitted that (+44), his post-Blink project with Barker, would be calling it a day.

And now this.

Of course, as of now, there's no tangible proof that Blink are getting back together.

It's just an awards show. (And it's the Grammys, at that. Bleh.)

For those of you with conscious memories of the '90s, Van Halen pulled this same kinda deal at the 1996 VMAs when the original lineup appeared onstage, fueling speculation of a David Lee Reconciliation. (Turns out the rest of the band were in the process of auditioning other singers at the time.)

I guess we'll know more on Sunday.

We do know this: Barker is in a forgiving mood, as he's reportedly back with his ex-wife Shanna Moakler. Angels & Airwaves guitarist David Kennedy might have left the kitten out of the knapsack when he confirmed a new Blink record during a chat on Modlife. And Tom DeLonge might be trying to get some good karma before the 2012 apocalypse.

Hey, man. If the trade-off for annihilation of the human race is a Blink-182 reunion, I'm pretty sure All Time Low would be cool with that.

4 MORE THINGS WE THINK WE LEARNED THIS WEEK

(In case you missed them or have little to no short-term memory.)

1. LiveNation and Ticketmaster are giving each other the googly eyes

One is the biggest concert promoter in the world and the other is the largest ticketing and artist management company. And they're apparently picking out curtains together. If this is a sitcom, you can rest assured that Eddie Vedder is gonna be the angry neighbor. Warped guru Kevin Lyman might actually be Vedder's roommate, as he released this statement Friday:

"As many of you are aware, the media has been reporting the problems concert-goers are encountering buying tickets for Bruce Springsteen and other superstar acts, however I thought fans of our projects should know that until these large companies get their act together, the place to buy tickets will be through the official websites of the tours. In the world of concert ticketing there have never been more players and people trying to provide this service, and hopefully one day they will get it right.”

2. No Langerado Festival and no Honda Civic Tour This Year

Didn't pay attention to all that talk about the economy during the presidential debates? If Joe The Plumber had tickets to either the annual Langerado Festival (which was slated to feature Death Cab For Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, Gym Class Heroes and more) or the Civic Tour (which was rumored to be headlined by Jack's Mannequin), then he is out of luck. Again.

3. However, Bonnaroo and Bamboozle Left are still chill

Both festivals announced either their full lineup or big-name additions this week, and both look like they've been working out. Bonnaroo's got everyone from Nine Inch Nails and the Beastie Boys to Bruce Springsteen and Phish. And Bamboozle Left added little-known French existentialist outfit Fall Out Boy along with Deftones and Taking Back Sunday to a roster that already included the Get Up Kids, Thrice and the Used.

4. Obama's already kept his promise... to Hawthorne Heights

Change has come. Hawthorne Heights have been through a lot these past few years, and their strained relationship with label Victory Records is right up there with L.C. versus Heidi or Jessica Simpson versus dignity. Now HH are on Wind-Up.

AND ONE FINAL NOTE

Punk-rock lost one of its greatest legends this week when the Cramps frontman Lux Interior passed away Wednesday. The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame has a bass drum head that Interior destroyed during a show. Just consider this: How many horrible bands have you seen demolish their equipment onstage? About 32 quazillion. How many of those broken drums are in the Rock Hall?

Not 32 quazillion.

Look, I'm not a scientist.

2009-02-02T22:49:00.004-05:00

And you thought I'd forgotten about you.

After all we've been through?
All the laughs? All the weird, misplaced sexual tension? All of the shameless self-promotion and endless amount of references to mid-'90s TV shows?

Okay, so I forgot about you.

Ohhhhh, that's not entirely true. You were always in the back of my mind. Every night when I got home from work during the past week, I thought to myself, "Hmm. Maybe I should blog. [Insert reader's name] might be worrying. But then again, six episodes of Top Chef are on."

Ohhhhh, that's not entirely true, either. (It was seven episodes.)

The thing is, ever since I transitioned into the role of web editor, I've had kind of a ton going on. Although I've been missing for a minute, in the long run, it's gonna be bringing us closer together.

I've been working on a few subtle changes to AltPress.com, one of which is happening to the editor's blogs right before your little eyes (especially if your little eyes are fixed on Jennifer Grathwol's blog, which they probably can't be unless you have another computer lined up right next to this one simultaneously, or, I dunno, another window open or something). Look, I'm not a scientist.

We're trying something different with the blogs, and now each of the editors will be covering a specific aspect of what we think might be useful to you guys--a little more than, say, stories about me blowing up an oven. Don't worry--the blogs as you know them won't necessarily go anywhere. But at least once a week, all of your AP editorial all-stars (Scott is a reserve) will be just a little more focused in their coverage. I'm sure nothing can keep Jen from blogging about her puppy; Scott from blogging about earnest, Midwestern emo; Rachel from blogging about Nebraska football; and/or Jason from making elaborate threats about how he'd like to whip a car antenna across somebody's back.

I'm not gonna give away any surprises just yet.
You're gonna have to come back every day this week to find out what each of us will be doing.

But rest assured, I'm not gonna stop Jason from swearing.
Nobody could.
Nobody.
Could.

Total Request Dive

2009-01-22T17:30:00.005-05:00

Wow.

What a week.

My hometown Pittsburgh Football Steelers bad-assed their way into the Super Bowl and the two-hour season premiere of Lost was on last night, once again providing me with six weeks of reasons never to leave my apartment again ever.

And I heard something about a new president, too.

All good stuff.

But, hey. I come to you today looking for some suggestions.

I don't know if you've ever noticed The List On AP before, but it's a sweet, weekly countdown-type guy that the editors at AP put together for your webjoyment (that's in no way a word, and by no means should it ever be).

I'm putting together a Valentine's Day-themed list for February and I'm wondering what you guys would like to see.

How about something like: 9 Bands Who Will Never Be On A Valentine's Day Playlist? (That's not a good example, thus the reason I'm coming to you.)

Get back to me?

I'll be the guy in the Steelers jersey watching last night's Lost while researching more about this whole president thing.

Judi Dench can suck it.

2009-01-17T21:48:00.004-05:00

I don't know if you read the news today, but it seems awful likely that you're gonna be spotting the Wentzes (Sir Peter and Dame Ashlee) in an upcoming episode of CSI:NY. And unlike Paramore's recent appearance in CSI: Las Vegas (seriously, enough with the CSI's. There are so many other letters we can string together for TV show titles), the couple will play fictional characters.

Sure, Ashlee actually started out on 7th Heaven and Pete has his gig on FNMTV, but it's gonna be pretty interesting to see them dabbling together in thespianism.

In honor of their impending People's Choice awards, I decided to come up with a few other musicians who I think would be interesting co-stars on other non-CSI TV shows.

Anthony Green on Lost

First of all, I know the guy loves himself some Lost. He's written songs about it. So if J.J. Abrams wanted to, he could totally make this happen. Here's an idea, J.J.: Since you've already delved into the flash-forwards into the future, maybe next season you could go forward even further, and Anthony could play the grown-up Aaron--infant son of Claire (and Kate, kind of) who I'm thinking is gonna play a big role down the road. Maybe 20 years in the future, Jack still hasn't been able to get back to the island and his insanity and beard are getting out of control. Nobody believes him--except for Aaron, who seeks him out thanks to a bunch of visions that tell him he needs to get back to the island, too. I'm sayin: Dude's got the scruff. That's more than enough.

Hayley Williams on Ugly Betty

Hayley could play Veronica Samuels--a new intern at Mode who is as cutthroat as she is diminutive. On the surface, she's all bubbles and innocent charm to her supervisors, but underneath it all, she's gunning hard for Betty's gig. So much so that her episode would culminate with her standing on top of a desk, wielding an aluminum baseball bat and screaming, "One...two...three.......RIOT!!!!" (I've never seen an episode of Ugly Betty, so if this character already exists, please forgive me.)

Max Bemis on 24

I don't care what anyone says, Max Bemis is just the right blend of badass and instability to be rogue mercenary Slater Kent, hot on the trail of Jack Bauer when he's in somewhere like Beliz or something. I think he and Kiefer Sutherland blow one of the 24 hours just staring ruthlessly at each other at a table in some diner, both clutching 9 mm handguns.

Zack Merrick on Desperate Housewives

I've also never watched an episode of Desperate Housewives, but I'm pretty sure Zack has everything the casting director looks for in young male guest stars. I'd say he could be a gardener, but I think they've already had one of those. What if he's Jimmy Calhoun--the new kid on Wisteria Lane, visiting from college. Don't overthink it. He'll be shirtless in 13 seconds, and everyone's happy.

Gabe Saporta on Entourage

This actually happened, didn't it? I coulda sworn it did.

Bert McCracken on My Name Is Earl

Bert will play Clarence Mickelby--a hyperactive, crazed guy who Earl once accidentally shot in the spleen with a tranquilizer gun, leading to a life plagued with highly comedic narcolepsy (where he falls asleep while riding an ATV and whatnot). I haven't worked out exactly the rest of his character arc, but I know that the episode will end with Earl and Randy laying in bed like always, but as the camera pans down, we see Bert nestled up at their feet.

So how bout you? Anyone you think would make a good fit on a particular TV show? I tried pretty hard to come up with someone for The Office, but it's tricky. The closest I got was having Maura Davis from Denali added to the staff as a second receptionist. But that's for purely selfish reasons.

Some Great Reward

2009-01-14T21:23:00.004-05:00

I am but a man.

I'll buy pretty much anything packaged in bright blue, glossy packaging (I have about 14 bottles of toothpaste I can attribute to that) and I often choose to eat ice cream cake instead of an actual meal.

And for reasons not entirely clear to me just yet, I decided to watch the two-hour audition edition of American Idol tonight. Don't judge me.

It has very little to do with the 'legit' performers who pop up every couple of minutes to snag a ticket to Hollywood. Those people I could do without.

But I'm a huge fan of self-destruction. I don't mean that in the Chuck Palahniuk, Trent Reznor sense of the word--although, fittingly, I really do love Fight Club and Nine Inch Nails.

There's just something utterly fascinating--and apparently addictive--about watching the people who audition lacking talent and, in many cases, the ability to blend seamlessly into society.

Look. I get it. You sing along to Gavin DeGraw in the car and your Aunt Clara says you've got the voice of an angel. But here's the thing: I'm pretty okay at making Pop Tarts. That doesn't mean I'm gonna go to a national try-out if Iron Chef America comes to Cleveland.

Still, every year I manage to watch at least the first few intentionally embarrassing weeks of Idol before it becomes unintentionally embarrassing once the real competition begins. What can I say? It's a character flaw. I'm by no means an expert, considering when I was in Detroit with the AP Tour last year, a group of teenage girls driving by in a mini-van called me a "David Cook wannabe," and I had no idea what a David Cook was. But I decided to throw together this little list of some of the Idol contestants that still resonate in my head. I guess my aim is to show all those potential sociopaths who provide us with those painful auditions that, really, is being on this show really such a great reward?

Constantine Maroulos

Constantine (which is Greek for "complete and horrifying absence of chin") stormed onto whichever season it is that Carrie Underwood won and karate chopped and kicked his way pretty far into the competition. He was trying to pull off the whole sensitive rock star thing way back when David Cook was figuring out how to steal cover songs that Incubus and Audioslave were doing and pass them off as his own (okay, so I Googled David Cook after I was called his wannabe). There was no camera that Constantine couldn't pose for, and it may have won his place in the hearts of bored housewives everywhere, but all it did for me was make me insanely happy when this happened:

Amanda Overmyer

Every drunk girl who's ever mistakenly stumbled into a karaoke night while looking for a bathroom has sung a Janis Joplin song. Doing it while sober is inexcusable. Not nearly as inexcusable as it was for all the American idiots of the world to keep voting her through last year.

Taylor Hicks

I did some thinking, and I've decided I figured out how this guy managed to win Season 5. Either Nietzsche was onto something or this entire nation is simply being mean to Taylor Hicks. You know the foreign exchange student from Latvia who kinda smells like corn and doesn't have a firm grasp on English? And you know how all the jocks would occasionally hang out at his lunch table just to make him think he's cool, but the entire time the cool kids are actually just making fun of this poor, helpless, oblivious kid to mask their own growing insecurities? Everyone stop being mean to Taylor Hicks right now. He really thinks he's a good singer. Come on now. Do you think he could actually beat out this? I don't care what she's running for, but I'm voting for the second option. American Idol? President? Whatever.

Under The Covers Pt. 2

2009-01-11T19:13:00.005-05:00

Would you look at that...
I promised a second installment into my favorite covers, and here it is.

See?
I do have a short term memory after all.

BRAID - "My Life"
I realize that Billy Joel is the forefather of a whole batch of piano-rock acts like Jack's Mannequin and...um...that other band with a piano. But I really can't take the guy. Look, I can't explain it. So when Midwestern emo legends Braid included this cover on Movie Music Vol. 2 (along with covers of the Pixies, the Smiths and Burt Bacharach/Dionne Warwick/Naked Eyes' "(There's) Always Something There To Remind Me") I had my reservations. But it's become my favorite on the album thanks largely to the off-mic vocals and general bad-assery.

My Life (LP Version) - Braid

DEFTONES - "Savory"
This one was almost too good to be true for me. Deftones covering one of my top 5 favorite Jawbox songs with the help of Far's Jonah Matranga? If you know anything about me, you probably realize that I spent a good four straight months listening to this on repeat.

Savory (Remastered Version) - Deftones

RYAN ADAMS - "Wonderwall"
If you've never heard this insanely bittersweet cover of Oasis' pop-prize "Wonderwall," you should really stop reading right now and just click below. I'll meet you at the next song. (I'm probably gonna go run and get a beverage, though.)

Wonderwall - Ryan Adams

FAILURE - "Enjoy The Silence"
Granted everyone from Anberlin to Lacuna Coil have taken a stab at this Depeche Mode hit, but none have come close to upgrading on the original. Except for chronically underrated, currently defunct Failure--who turned the song into the anthem of my college years. (Clearly, I didn't go to many frat parties in college.)

Enjoy The Silence - Failure

SHINER - "Making Love"
Speaking of underrated, I've been screaming about now-disbanded math-rock geniuses Shiner since before I fully understood what math-rock or the word "disbanded" meant. Considering I'm from Western Pennsylvania, the love for '70s monsters of rock Bad Company is deeply implanted in my frontal lobe. So this version of "(Feel Like) Making Love" never had a chance not to be on all of my cover playlists. Now if I could only hear Bad Company covering a Shiner song--then my work would be done.

Making Love - Shiner

Under the covers

2009-01-10T18:11:00.003-05:00

I'm a huge fan of irony.
It might be my favorite thing not manufactured by the good people at Nabisco.

I also love ironic cover songs.
(FYI: It's not ironic if you play a Three Doors Down cover at your cousin's bar. That's actually more sad than ironic.)

So when I stumbled across the All-American Rejects performing a cover of Britney Spears' womanizer complete with an accordion and beer bottle percussion, I instantly realized that I might now have a new favorite AAR song. And I was all kinds of right.

I decided that this would be as good a time as any to reveal some of my favorite (mostly) ironic covers. In fact, I think this might even be a two-parter.

Isn't it ironic that I came across that video?
Not really.
It's just awesome luck, cause I was straight up outta ideas for my blog today...

All-American Rejects "Womanizer"

Seriously. I've always been lukewarm at best towards the Rejects, but that's quite possibly mostly out of repressed jealousy that I can't ever be Tyson Ritter. This cover--complete with altered lyrics, freaking brilliant instrumentation--is ridiculously genius. It kinda makes me sad that AAR don't do more acoustic/accordion songs. Perhaps I haven't been listening to as much Weird Al Yankovic as I probably should.

HERE'S FOUR MORE:

HELMET "Army Of Me"
You coulda probably told me that Helmet were covering Bjork and I would've instantly plopped down $25 or its equivalent in Arby's coupons for it. Luckily, this song was on the compilation MOM: Music For Our Mother Earth which is thankfully available in spades at every used CD store in the continental United States. If you were a teenager in the mid-'90s, the album was actually issued to you in the mail.

Army of Me (Bjork Cover) - Helmet

THE WHITE STRIPES "Jolene"
Sure, Me First And The Gimme Gimmes also covered this Dolly Parton classic, but they're immediately disqualified cause ironic covers are their whole deal. The White Stripes have been whipping out this song for years, and I think I can safely say I love this about 300 percent more than the Dolly Parton version.

Jolene - The White Stripes

Ben Folds "Bitches Ain't Shit"
First of all, this song has gotta have some of the most explicit lyrics of anything we can get away with on this website. That's not really Ben Folds' fault as much as it is Dr. Dre's. If you hate cuss words, by all means don't click on the link below. Also don't click below if you hate awesomeness.

Bitches Aint Shit - Ben Folds

The Flaming Lips "Knives Out"
You gotta really admire anyone ballsy enough to cover Radiohead (not including anything off of Pablo Honey, which barely counts). And the Flaming Lips are pretty clinically nothing but balls.

Knives Out [KCRW Version] [Live] [Previously Unreleased] - The Flaming Lips

Come back again soon for even more covers. Swears.

Trendspotting

2009-01-08T21:27:00.002-05:00

First of all, I'm aware of the fact that the name of this blog sounds uncomfortably close to a segment you might see on Access Hollywood.

Originally, it dawned on me as a reference to Trainspotting and only after I hustled to my computer and typed it on the screen did its hidden meaning suddenly reveal itself.

But I'm okay with the balance I've struck.

What does any of this have to do with anything you should care at all about?
Oh, reader. So little faith in me.

You might have noticed that in AP 247--the one with the cover featuring Zack Merrick's abs--we published the results of our annual Readers Poll. And if you're an especially astute AltPress.com devotee, you've also noticed that we've posted the unabridged poll in its entirety right here. It's got even more questions, more answers, more quotes and more anti-Metro Station sentiment.

So I put on my CNN political pundit pants and decided to analyze the results a little further than is possibly necessary.

Here are my findings:

Being hated is almost as good as being loved.
One of the biggest gripes we always hear after we publish the poll results has to do with the fact that certain bands are named both the best and worst in certain categories. While I do get why this might stir repressed memories of the 2000 presidential election, it's democracy in razor-banged action. For example: The Academy Is... album Fast Times At Barrington High was a runner-up for Album Of The Year and simultaneously the winner of Most Disappointing Album. But that's only because that's how the votes came in. Still, before you go off feeling sorry for Billy Beckett, there's something to be said for being able to galvanize the masses to two polar extremes. The same goes for Gabe Saporta and Hayley Williams (who both placed as Musician With The Most Style and Musician I'd Hang For Crimes Against Fashion). You can't please all the people all the time, but you can piss off pretty much everyone most of the time for one reason or another. And that ain't not bad either. Not convinced? Ask this guy.

It's a bad time to be even loosely affiliated with the Disney Channel (if you value cred over cash).
It seems a little weird to me to name the Jonas Brothers as the No. 3 Band Who Should Break Up Immediately considering they couldn't break up even if they wanted to--seeing as how they're actually humanoid cyborgs created specifically to trigger the purchasing power in the tween demographic. But the hatred bubbling over for the JoBros (does anyone call them that? I sincerely have no idea and I couldn't be more proud of myself for it) is palpable. Even Metro Station--featuring the brother of Hannah Montana Herself--were named New Artist No One Will Remember This Time Next Year. You might be saying that it has nothing to do with the Cyrus connection. But I've read a ton of the ballots. And lemme tell ya, Metro Station might've placed better fronted by the brother of Raven-Symone.

Edward Cullen should have no trouble getting a date or 93,292,031.
Twilight might've had the most overwhelming victory of the entire poll with its convincing win as Book I Couldn't Put Down This Year. It was kind of nuts. Twilight itself took the top spot without a sweat, then followed by different camps voting for different installments in the series. You have to go down a couple spots before you get to the next most-read book--a little page-turner called The Bible. All I'm sayin' is that the Beatles tread on this ground once, Eddie. And you should probably start doing some volunteering with Meals On Wheels or something.

The readers of my blog, although awesome, apparently don't care for Democracy in razor-banged action.
I love you guys. I really, really do. You're really the only difference between me and the belligerent kid working at Long John Silvers. But damn. In the Most Entertaining AP Staffer Blog category, I didn't even finish near the top four. And there were only six nominees. What's done is done and I'm not gonna harp on it. All I'm sayin' is that if you had a blog, I'd vote for you. Why? Because that's how we are, you and me. Luckily this poll wasn't really a Glengarry Glen Ross situation where second prize is a set of steak knives and third prize is you're fired. But that was just this time... I think it's probably time for me to put some serious thought into becoming a sensitive, disheveled vampire. It's not your fault. I was already kinda weighing my options anyway.

APFFL: End Game

2008-12-30T22:25:00.002-05:00

Regrets?

Definitely.

I probably shouldn't have had those four chili cheese burritos from Taco Bell at 3:21 a.m. (through 3:34 a.m.) last night.

And I probably shouldn't have used my first round draft pick on Steven Jackson in the inaugural AP Fantasy Football League.

In both cases, I was left with nothing to show for my decision except a surplus of heartburn and self-loathing.

But if I had to go back, I'd probably draft S. Jax and eat those four burritos all over again. In fact, if I could go back, I'd probably have the burritos on hand during the draft. Maybe that's where I went wrong.

Some of you will be sad and others will be ecstatic to know that this is the final APFFL blog of the year and the results are in. It came down to little old me and reader/Canadian Ben Savoie and your champion is: Reader/Canadian Ben Savoie!

Congratulations, man! For those of you keeping score at home, here's the championship box score. For those of you not keeping score at home, here's a picture of a poodle in a tutu.

Although the 204 to 175 score looks a little lopsided, I like to believe it was a lot closer than the score indicates. It was a two-week marathon of grit and glory. And I'm sure the celebrations are just now dying down around Ben's neck of the woods.

I'm working on putting together a fabulous prize package for him (Ben, what size sweatpants do you wear?) and he's obviously won an invite into next year's league.

I just seriously wanna thank everyone who was in the league this year and let you know that I probably swore at you and one of your wide receivers while watching a game at least once.

You are true American heroes. (Except for Ben.)

I'll see you all next year. In the meantime, well, there's always baseball season.

The holidays is tough, son

2008-12-28T14:08:00.007-05:00

It's been a minute. True.

Sorry about that.

But it's kinda difficult to focus long enough on cultivating evocative blog fodder when you spend the better part of a week suddenly aware that Christmas is upon you, then have to elbow your way through Christmas Eve mall mayhem and then spend about four days being inebriated with pretty much every social circle you haven't seen in two years.

The holidays is tough, son.

So I figured I'd do my best right here just to catch you up on a little of what's gone on since whence we last spoke.

Christmas happened.

And I got pretty much everything you guys know I was askin' for. I'm loaded up on TV on DVD box sets--Lost, 30 Rock, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Planet Earth--and nearly my body weight in underwear (thanks, mom). I also managed to give a couple acceptable presents to others, which makes me feel good and all. But not as good as I'll feel watching Lost in my new underwear, eating jelly beans out of a toy jeep (thanks again, mom). Is this heaven? No. It's my apartment.

I had a pretty psychically reassuring trip back to my hometown bar.

I'm not saying I'm super-successful or anything like that, but it's always nice to go back home and realizing that the most popular guys I graduated with are all either hawking some sort of insurance and/or are assistant managers at their dad's used car lots. And most of them resemble some form of this. Plus, a girl bought a drink for my friend, and I've never seen that happen before. Not just to him--but to any guy at all. And it was fascinating.

I'm in the finals of the AP Fantasy Football League. Cause I'm awesome.

It's down to me and Team Exitonefiftytwo, and it's pretty close. Both my kicker and defense netted me negative points this week, but my QB Drew Brees threw for something like 532 yards and 38 touchdowns today. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling Pete Wentz at a hoodie convention good. Speaking of which, I'm thinking that maybe the next time we do this league, I'm gonna see if I can't get a few musicians to participate. I'd really like to edge Gerard Way (or, more realistically: Someone from Boys Like Girls) out of a playoff berth.

I learned that I'm never going shopping the day after Christmas ever, ever again.

I kind of had an ominous feeling about it from the get-go, but I saw more hostility and aggression over parking spots than one human should have to witness. In fact, I might never leave the house the day after Christmas ever, ever again. All that goodwill toward man seems to vanish at around 4:32 a.m. Dec. 26.

Sadly, I did not receive Jenna Fischer in my stocking.

I guess the thing is, it might have made for a great holiday on my part, but Jenna's experience would've been much more traumatic. Kidnapping rarely pans out the way you intend it to. And I want my Christmases with Jenna to be magical, and not so much the anniversary of when I committed the felony that brought us together.

So how bout you guys?

How did the holidays treat you?

Get everything you wanted?

(If you got Jenna Fischer, please don't tell me.)

Ooh...two more.

2008-12-21T22:47:00.002-05:00

So in my last blog, I cited three unintentionally horrifying Christmas movies but I completely forgot about the two that used to (and by "used to," I mean "up until three weeks ago and sometimes still...") scare the coal out of me.

So here, as an addendum, they are:

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: An old guy named Scrooge (not the duck) who loves nothin but money gets visited on Christmas Eve by a bunch of ghosts who aren't afraid to let him know that he's pretty much wasted his life--and especially wasted his Christmases. Eventually he's scared straight into being the kindest man in town--which is way creepier.

WHY IT'S SCARY: There are about 351 versions of this Dickens classic, and all of them scare me on one level or another. Seriously, man. There are more ghosts per square inch of this thing than all of the other Christmas movies combined. (Not counting Casper's Haunted Christmas.)

A CHRISTMAS STORY

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: A kid in the '40s has his bespectacled eyes firmly fixed on an air rifle for Christmas and he isn't afraid to alienate his friends and family in order to get it.

WHY IT'S SCARY: Aside from the fact that Ralphie looks EXACTLY like me when I was but a child, the part when he sits on Santa's lap with the fish-eye lens still makes me physically uncomfortable. Luckily, they rarely show this movie around Christmas.... oh, wait...

Divorce? Affairs? Moustaches?

2008-12-19T22:09:00.007-05:00

I don't know how much of the lush AP website you've ventured around, but if you look up top there, you'll see a button that says "Mosh Pit."

(Rarely, if ever, does someone step on your shoe when you're just trying to watch Underoath in peace, cause it's not a real mosh pit. It's a message board.)

Since I'm making the shift away from paper products and solely into the realm of world wide webbery, I've been dipping my toes in the Mosh Pit today, and I received a blog request.

DearYou 12-19-2008 @ 8:43 PM reply
Tim, as a blog idea, please write about why "A Year without a Santa Claus" is the best Christmas special ever.

Since I am an editor of the people (and since I'm completely and utterly out of my own ideas), I decided to take Noah (DearYou) up on that.

But I couldn't completely remember the plot to A Year Without Santa Claus. What I did completely remember, though, was that it used to scare the pudding out of me.

Why?

Well, check out my slightly altered blog topic....

3 Christmas Movies (and/or Television Specials) That Scare(d) Me

1. A YEAR WITHOUT SANTA CLAUS

What it's about: A doctor tells Santa that he really oughta consider taking Christmas off this year. A couple of elves run around the world and end up in Southtown, U.S.A., (no relation to the P.O.D. song, I believe...) where Vixen is mistaken for a dog and sent to the pound. For some reason, two sociopaths named Heat Miser and Snow Miser (they actually are related...not to P.O.D., though) get involved and Mrs. Claus puts an end to all the insanity by forming an alliance with Mother Nature and making it snow in Southtown.
Why it's scary: Dude. Look at Heat Miser. Seriously. It's rare that a 1970s claymation Christmas cartoon features Satan.

2. A VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS

What it's about: All the kids from the Brady Bunch are grown up and return home for the holidays substantially less cute than they used to be (except for Cindy, who is played by some other actress since the real Cindy apparently had standards). Things aren't so sunny, though, as everyone's got shit going on. Jan's getting divorced, Peter's having an affair with his boss and Bobby quit graduate school to become a race car freaking driver. Then, to top it all off, Mike Brady (the dad) gets trapped in a collapsing building site and has an upsetting moustache.

Why it's scary: Divorce? Affairs? Moustaches? Why can't all these problems be solved by building a house of cards or throwing a football at Marcia's dumb ass? This movie is scary because it suddenly makes you aware of your own mortality. We're all gonna get old and trapped in a building someday.

3. SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE

What it's about: A kindly 14th century couple get caught in a blizzard and wake up at the North Pole where they're told they're Mr. and Mrs. Claus and that they'll spend all eternity making toys for kids. Then in present day (1985), one of Santa's elves ends up in Manhattan for some reason and winds up working for a future Enron exec who's trying to create "Christmas II" and corner the market on overwhelming creepiness.
Why it's scary: Aside from John Lithgow and Dudley Moore (pictured) who both make my soul shudder in whatever they are (were) in, the pre-CGI reindeer are a little on the off putting side. But the scariest aspect by far is that this elderly couple wound up enslaved for the whole of all existence. Dude was so close to retiring. Every time I wake up in a snowbank after a night of boozing, there's always a second when I think, "Oh, hell. Am I Santa Claus now?" But then I realize I'm just still drunk.

I feel like I'm forgetting something really obvious. Is there an unintentionally horrifying holiday movie that slipped by me?

Undies are a given.

2008-12-14T18:27:00.004-05:00

"What size pants do you wear?"

When I received that text from my mom, I instantly realized it's the holiday season.

In that moment, I was overcome with the paralyzing pressure that comes with acknowledging that I'm woefully behind on shopping.

Stupid behind even.
Like, it's not cute.

I'm gonna be one of those idiots your local news interviews at the mall on Christmas Eve standing in obscenely long lines just to buy remote control caddies and whatever else is left.

Sorry, loved ones.

However, after that passed, I then remembered that I'm gonna get some gifts myself.
Unless my loved ones are reading this blog.

But just in case you happen to be somebody in the market for buying me a present or five, I've got a few suggestions right up in here.

LOST: Season 4 DVD

Look. This is pretty standard. It's easy. It's at every store everywhere. I think I saw it at a gas station yesterday. I was kinda late to the Lost party, jumping in at the beginning of season 3 and then going backwards. But I Netflixed my way in time up to the Season 4 premiere last winter and was overwhelmingly addicted. It's getting so good. I can't really think about much else. Seriously. It's a problem. Won't you be my enabler?

MITCH HEDBERG Do You Believe In Gosh? CD

Every once in a while, I get interviewed by someone for a school paper. It's not often. But just often enough to inflate my ego to the point that I can tell Jason Pettigrew wants to throw me into a windowless closet with six enraged possums. (But he usually doesn't.) But the question I'm always asked during those interviews is "Who's your biggest influence?" I think they're expecting me to namedrop Hunter Thompson or Chuck Klosterman or Dave Barry or somebody. But I'm not much of a reader. I don't even read these blogs until they're posted (clearly). I always cite the late comedian/genius Mitch Hedberg, who I got to see twice when he was still around. This posthumous CD came out right around my birthday and I really thought somebody woulda been on that for me back then...

THRICE The Alchemy Index LP set

Audiophile Scott Heisel has been pressuring me to invest in a record player and routinely tells me about any vinyl releases I might be stoked on. Most of the time, I just smile and nod a lot. I really can't afford to re-buy all of my favorite albums on vinyl--plus I'm notoriously awful at taking care of things. Ask my cat. Still, this complete set of the four installments in The Alchemy Index is pretty hard to resist. I think there are only like 2,000 of these out there, and I'll likely never ever listen to them, but every couple weeks or so, I'll dust them off and appreciate them. Just like I do with my cleaning products.

A couch

I read somewhere a while ago that the No. 1 item every bachelor absolutely must own is a good couch. And I'm pretty much every bachelor cliche you can think of. As it is now, I've got a tiny little sofa that even I can't fit on comfortably (and I'm not exactly Adam Dutkiewicz-sized). Considering the sheer amount of hours I spend plopped in front of my TV, you'd think I'd break the bank on something comfortable to plop on. But if you give me $450 to spend on something, I'll probably just buy baseball cards.

PLANET EARTH U.S. Discovery Channel DVD box set

Okay, before you head to the store, keep this in mind: I already own the original BBC version of Planet Earth, featuring the guy from Jurassic Park. But in a move that'll likely sicken managing editor Rachel Lux, who still champions the BBC version of The Office over the far superior American version, I want the American version of Planet Earth (featuring the chick from Ghostbusters), too. I'm not 100 percent that there's much difference between the two, but I'm convinced I like the U.S. version more. Call me a patriot. Or just a picky jerk.

And, of course, there's one other thing I want more than anything.

The first person who can tell me what that one thing is will win a special "Timorabilia" prize. For serious. Take a guess. What do ya have to lose? Possibly not getting whatever nicknacks I'm gonna put together for the winner?

APFFL: Smells like playoffs

2008-12-12T20:51:00.002-05:00

Something hasn't felt right.
Something in your life has been slightly askew, as if everything around you was a little less vivid than it should be.
But you couldn't quite put your finger on the cause.

You just assumed you had mono.

But no.
It was the lack of any AP Fantasy Football League updates.

While rumors have been swirling that their notable absence stemmed from my own lethargy, the disapproval of AP higher-ups or some combination of both.
But no.

The truth: Communists stole my computer.

But here we are, a week into the playoffs. What's gone down? Here were the end-of-season standings (playoff teams have asterisks by their records):

DIVISION 1
1. Dandy Van Slykes (me, because I'm awesome) 10-3*
2. Team Exitonefiftytwo (Ben Savoie) 9-4*
3. San Diego Whale Vaginas (AP music editor Scott Heisel) 7-6
4. Awesometown Unicorns (Cameron Hubbard) 5-8
5. Venice Marmots (Laura Zavala) 4-9
6. I hate California (Katie Moran) 4-9

DIVISION 2
1. Milwaukee Milkmen (Zach Silva) 11-2*
2. Chicago Quails (Chris Cooper) 9-4*
3. Team Marcella (Heather Marcella) 7-6
4. Rambunctious Coons (Ronny Weyant) 6-7
5. Cleveland Hasselhoffs (AP ad exec Zak Bristo) 4-9
6. 85 Mafia (AP copy editor Jennifer Grathwol) 2-11

Only four teams are still in the hunt for the title: Team Exitonefiftytwo, Milwaukee Milkmen,
Chicago Quails and Dandy Van Slykes.
Everyone else is free to hunt whatever they like.
Scott Heisel has taken to hunting adorable, helpless, unnamed woodland creatures.

One interesting aspect that I wasn't aware of until just today was that we're in a two-week playoff system--which means that you play the same team two weeks in a row and you go by combined scores from both weekends.

That's weird and unnatural.
But it happens.

As of this very moment, Exitonefiftytwo is housing the number one seeded Milkmen. And I'm in a dead heat with the Quails.

Still, I'm proud of everyone for pretty much playing the whole way through the season. Something like 62 percent of all fantasy football teams wind up abandoned, unmanaged and lost. A few of the misguided ones end up wandering into fantasy hockey leagues, where they quickly realize that A) They should've worn warmer uniforms, and B) Nobody plays freaking fantasy hockey.

Anyway, it's a big week. There's a huge prize on the line (which may or may not involve me just showing up on somebody's doorstep with a copy of the new Thrice DVD and a tray of Double Stuf Oreos).

Make sure you check back after this weekend's games to see how this all works itself out.
Clearly, there's a lot on the line.

Attractive and misunderstood hands

2008-12-07T18:33:00.004-05:00

So I've got good news and bad news.

I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

I think bad news first is the traditional order that these things go.

Ready?

I'm no longer associate editor at Alternative Press.

Since I'm sure there was probably a gap of a couple of minutes after reading that last sentence during which you were sobbing uncontrollably in the fetal position in your bathtub, I'll give you a second to compose yourself.

Here. Maybe this picture of a puppy in a bear(?) costume will help:

Still all sniffles?

Okay, well then maybe I should get to the good news.

Ready?

I'm now the web editor at Alternative Press.

Ha! See? You can't get rid of me that easy.

For those who might have never heard of the internet, it's actually a global system of interconnected computer networks that gives you the ability to say whatever you want without any tangible sense of repercussion.

I'm pretty sure it looks like this:

Or this:

So I know what you're wondering. "What, Tim, does this mean to me? What about everything we've built together? What about all the good times talking about oven explosions and all those afternoons I spent reading about the ridiculous minutiae of your own idiosyncrasies?"

Well, reader.

Those won't be going anywhere. In fact, if you're reading me here on this interweb site, you should get accustomed to doing that even more. From now on, I'm legally required under contract to be no further than 18 inches away from a computator.

I can't get too in depth about any plans we might have for Altpress.com, but I can promise you that now that I'm planning this party, there's gonna be a lot more nachos. Metaphorically speaking and literally. (Not so much literally.)

The first thing any responsible Team Tim members should do is this: Make Altpress.com your homepage. The better we do, the less likely that I'll be fired and roaming the streets screaming at an invisible hippopotamus.

The second thing you can do: Become our friend on MySpace and Facebook and Twitter and anywhere else you can be our platonic soul mate.

And, by the way: I also started up a semi-legit MySpace page of my own so that we can all be even more hyper-aware of what we're all up to. Wanna get in on this? Add my ass. (And listen to the track on my page from Wild Orchid Children. For your own good.)

Cause let's face it: Looks like this internet thing ain't gonna pass. Might as well know the survey results of which Twilight character we all are. And apparently I'm Edward Cullen:

You're Edward Cullen - You have great taste for the finer things in life, a classic style, and you understand the way people work so you can manipulate easily. You have many talents and a bit of a temper, but you are mostly level-headed and rational.

And apparently that's the best possible character you can be. So Altpress.com is in good hands. Good, mysteriously attractive and misunderstood hands...

I get Yoshi.

2008-12-05T18:39:00.005-05:00

Regardless of what Scott Heisel says, I do occasionally follow up on things I promise.

And like I said in my last blog (and at the request of beener48, whose whim I apparently feel a preternatural need to succumb to lately), I'm gonna dedicate this one to my Top 5 video games of all time.

I couldn't quite figure out a way to judge games for this (since I'm only a semi-casual gamer at best) and I haven't exactly played every game out there. So I decided the easiest way to rank games was to choose them based on the amount of time I spent mastering (read: becoming adequate) at them.

1. Burnout 3: Takedown (Xbox)

A widely accepted and unfortunate characteristic of mine is that I have paralyzing road rage. I went through a couple-year stretch during which I would routinely get into what I called "battles" with other drivers--usually resulting in 93 mph games of cat and idiot. So imagine my sociopathic glee when the original Xbox released Burnout 3--a game with a mode where the entire goal is to cause the most horrific accidents possible and a "Road Rage" mode in which the point was to run as many other cars off the road as humanly possible. I learned an important lesson during the summer that this game monopolized my life: Don't play it for six hours straight then get directly in your car to drive to Taco Bell. Am I right, Pennsylvania State Police? Yeah. You remember me.

2. Tekken 2 (Playstation)

I was never any good at Mortal Kombat. I was okay, and I could shoot Scorpion's grapple thingy, but there was always someone who knew every intricate "left-right-A-B" code out there, rendering me pretty useless and subsequently bored. But when my college roommate got Tekken 2 during my freshman year, it became a much more palatable use of time than my Intro To Logic course. It was a zillion times more realistic and smooth than MK, and thanks to staggering amount of classes I skipped just to play it, I became the dork who knew every move's code. I should've used that brain space on other things, but who really uses logic anyway?

3. Super Mario Kart (Super Nintendo)

I never owned Mario Kart. I never even owned a Super Nintendo. But my friend Lucas did in high school and during one magical summer break, our nightly agenda went like this: 1. Go to Eat N' Park and eat Cookie Fudge Fantasy sundaes; 2. Attempt to hit on whichever girls from neighboring school districts happened into our general vicinity; 3. Go to his house defeated and ready to spend the wee hours on Mario Kart shooting red turtle shells at each other. Ah, where would the video game world be without the universal rejection unleashed by high school girls?

4. Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (Sega Genesis)

For my money, there's really nothing better than a spunky, potentially psychopathic hedgehog who moves at the speed of sound (back then it seemed like it, at least. His actual speed now translates to around 43 mph).

5. Missile Command (Atari)

While most of you have probably never had the ignorant jubilation of playing anything on the now-antiquated Atari system, Missile Command was pretty much Halo for people who wouldn't know what a CD was for almost a decade. That screenshot you see there is pretty much the whole game. Missiles are fired at your city and you've gotta shoot em down before they destroy the buildings below (buildings in 1984 apparently all looked like little blue letter "M"s). That's a lot of pressure to put on the shoulders of a 6-year-old. But if I ever find myself in the middle of some sort of worldwide nuclear Armageddon and only me and Jeff Goldblum can save the planet, it's all gonna come back to me.

Of course, they upgraded this game for more modern systems...

...but come on.

So there she is. A list of games that collectively stole 3.7 years of my life.

What are your top 5?

Shiny things go bing bing

2008-12-03T18:25:00.010-05:00

It was either French philosopher Rene Descartes or Full House's Dave Coulier who said, "Isn't it funny where life takes us?"

In my last blog, I unceremoniously begged for future blog topics.

I also made one reference to Mortal Kombat.

So beener48 said...

"and since you brought up the topic, maybe you could do a blog about video games? maybe a list of current favs or an all-time top 5 (or maybe 10)?"

DECEMBER 1, 2008 2:35 AM

Behold! The birth of a video game blog.

In fact... Behold! The birth of TWIN video game blogs. This is gonna be a two-parter. I'm gonna list my "current favs" in this edition and then my all-time top five next time.

It's weird because I just got out of like a three-year span during which I rarely played video games. It wasn't that I was out living an actual life. I just didn't have the money to upgrade from my Xbox circa 2002. I still don't have the money, but something inspired me to put a sparkling new Xbox 360 on my credit card, and sign up for the recently revamped Xbox Live.

So I'm actually far more qualified to answer this question right now than I would've been even four months ago.

Thank you, beener48.

You've always known me better than I know myself.

So here we go. My current top 5. Look at what a loser I am.

1. DEAD RISING

Basically, this is Dawn Of The Dead in video game form. In fact, the company that owns Dawn Of The Dead tried to sue Capcom over this. But the judge said all the similarities were "driven by the wholly unprotectable concept of humans battling zombies in a mall during a zombie outbreak." Which means basically, your cousin Franklin's screenplay about zombies in a mall (but the zombies wear hats) could get greenlit and I'm free to spend the hours between 1 a.m. and 2:30 a.m. every night breaking into stores to find new and innovative ways to kill the undead.

2. PURE

I've got a thing for completely unrealistic racing games. I don't know why. I think it stems from my frustration with the fact that I can't drive my car up onto sidewalks and every time I try to drive into power-ups, this happens. So the ridiculous jumps and unrealistic ATV tricks of Pure help keep my soul from eating itself. This is pretty much the only game I engage in actual online play with, and I'm not as horrible as I was a couple weeks ago. Maybe we'll run into each other on the sand dunes of Glamis. (But I'm gonna quit if I end up too far back after the first lap.)

3. BLITZ: THE LEAGUE II

If the Madden franchise was the Empire, I would totally be a rebel. Maybe even a Jedi. I'm part of the dwindling minority of fans out there who far preferred the 2K football franchise over Madden. Then Madden ran 2K out of town and it's been all we've had for years. Blitz The League II only exists because it's not actually an NFL game--it's based on an alternate professional league where steroids, blackmail and money-grubbing egomaniacs rule. Which is nothing like the NFL.

4. PINBALL FX

I realize the irony of using a state-of-the-art video gaming machine to play pinball. It's like sleeping in a comfy-ass bed and dreaming about sitting in a constrictive wooden chair. But let's face it: Nobody who's over the age of 12 or sober plays real pinball. I suck at this. Really, really bad. But I really, really like to see shiny things go "Bing! Bing!"

5. CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE

Clearly, I could never be in a war. But if I were to all of a sudden have to fight in a war, I'd constantly be looking around for Nazis. That's because 93 percent of all war video games revolve around World War II for some reason. Finally, Call Of Duty jumped into the '90s and provided me with a rudimentary knowledge of how to function in a modern make-believe army.

So based on these, do you guys have any suggestions on what I should pick up next?

(A green vegetable is not an option.)