Please, update the bookmarks.  I don’t plan on updating this blog anymore.  It’s just a bit much keeping track of two different blogs, besides, I paid for the other one, might as well get the most out of my money. 

Thanks guys and gals… see you in my Untidy Mind. 

Having that piece of my anatomy removed has just reeked havoc on the rest of me.  The worst?  The squirts.  All the time.  Often unexpected.  I have found that fiber therapy like Metamucil Powder helps a lot.  But that requires consistency…  something I’m very bad at.  I’m not a person to take pills (or anything else) regularly… like antibiotics.  I’m always running several days over because I’d forget one here and forget one there.  Anyway, fiber… and lots of it.  I know this sounds all backwards, but it works.  I think it’s just the extra bulk.  High fiber foods, on the other hand, make matters worse.  I can’t win.

I can’t eat regular popcorn.   The microwave variety, that is.  I has to be the light kind.  Eating the full fat popcorn makes the right upper quad of my abdomen hurt so bad it feels like I’m having another gall bladder attack.  No fun.  Some research has shown that the duct where the gall bladder used to be attached will sometimes create another “outpouching” to allow the body to again store some of the liver’s bile to help with digestion.  I’m sure that’s what wrong.  I’ve grown a make-shift gall bladder.  Now, I’m betting that if I ever (Heaven forbid) lose a limb, my body won’t be so eager to regenerate another one to replace it.

I remember when my mom (cholecystitis tends to be handed down from mom to daughter, thanks Mom) had to have hers taken out.  I bawled for a long time, afraid I’d never see her again.  How old was I?  7, maybe?  Anyway, the surgeon she had let her have the stones they removed from her gall bladder.  Why?  Firstly, because they were some of the biggest he’d ever seen… secondly (and if you’re easily grossed out, skip this next sentence) they looked like Milk Duds in shape, size and color.  It was facinating.  It was a running joke in the family for quite a while.

After having it removed, I kept having “residual” attacks, which worried my surgeon that maybe there was a stone caught in the duct so it wasn’t removed during surgery.  I had to have endoscopy done just to be sure.  Nothing.  Of course, I’m the one who’s lucky enough to have phantom organ pain.  Go figure.

I don’t miss my appendix.  The missing wisdom teeth, no big deal (although the torture of having them removed is a whole ‘nother story.)  The fallopian tubes being cut, tied, burnt… good thing.  I’m bad with pills, remember?

The next possible surgery?  Neck.  Herniated disk.  Left side, bulging outward, pushing on nerves.  It will behave itself for quite a while, but this last week it’s been giving me nothing but grief.  I’m sitting her after taking a Flexaril and an Ultram, felling kinda fuzzy, but still having the burning, stabbing, pulling, pinching, tingling pain that’s also assisting my head in its aching activities.   Last time I saw my pain management doctor about it, it wasn’t bad enough to require surgical repair.   How did I manage to herniate a disk in my neck?  By doing this:

Be careful if you ever lay this way!!

While watching TV in bed one fine morning.  Hugh P*O*P from the neck area, then an, “OH SHIT!” from me. I was in misery for months.  So, I’ll issue the official warning about assuming this position.  It can harm you.  Badly.  Needless to say, I an unable to do that anymore, on either side.

Has anyone else lost a body part/organ that you wish you could have back?

The flexaril is kicking my ass.  I’m gonna go stretch out on the bed and crash.

On the long drive back from Hubby’s doctor appointment yesterday, we followed this car a good part of the drive through the heart of the Hocking Hills.  When we reached town, I saw this:

Jesus Fish

While further inspecting the vehicle…  there was also this:

Mickey Mouse

I looked at my Hubby and ask, “Do you think they love Jesus?”

He says, “Probably.”

Then I add, “And Mickey Mouse, too?”

He bluntly says, “I’d say so.”

We Love Jesus... and Mickey Mouse!

When should you use this handy phrase?  When someone is being painfully anal over something.  Best said with complete and total sarcasm, with one eyebrow raised and a semi-smirk on your face.

This can be used to show your amusement or displeasure.  How it’s taken will depend on the tone used and your accompanying body language.

For example:

“Pssst… Your anus is showing,” you say as you wave it off with one hand and walk away, not caring to see the reaction.  This would be an example of using this statement to show your frustration and disdain.

— While —

“Pssst… Your anus is showing,” you smile and pat your pal on the back.  This will show how you’re amused by the whole episode.

There’s a bonus to using this little phrase:  It usually shuts them down cold, putting an air-tight lid on the anal-retentive outburst.

This is from Dictionary.com
spoonerism \SPOO-nuh-riz-uhm\, noun:  The transposition of usually initial sounds in a pair of words.

The best example is one that I tend to use on purpose:  “Dude, I’m so tired I’m totally dain bread.”   Which translated into spoonerismless English should be, “Dude, I’m so tired I’m totally brain dead.”

But, then I find myself unintentionally saying stuff all bass ackwards.   For example:

I’m gonna take my bett to bud. (butt to bed)

If I tell ya I’d kave to hill ya. (have to kill ya)

In addition, I also have anomic aphasia.  Although not officially diagnosed, I’m almost certain I can claim it, too.  It’s been a problem for me since I had sepsis back in 2000.

Anyone else deal with frequent spoonerism or anomic aphasia?

This June, Hubby and I will look at each other with wide-eyed wonderment at the fact we allowed each other to live to celebrate our 23rd anniversary.  (I can’t believe I just said that!  That makes me a very old hip and happenin’ chic, huh?)  Needless to say, along the way, I’ve learned a lot about life and that all men have to be paper trained how to love a Hubby.

I love Hubby because — well, I don’t have a good reason for loving him — I just do.  (Yes, we’ve been together that long!)  After a while all the reasons you used to be able to think of kinda meld themselves together into one simple “I just do” answer.  But I’ve plucked out some of the things that still stand out in my mind and listed them here for you.

1.) He puts up with my eccentricities as well as my frequent whining and sudden (sometimes unprovoked) outbursts.

2.) He gives into my every whim…  which used to outnumber all the stars in the sky… however, as the years have passed, they’ve dwindled considerably.  *Lucky him*

3.) He tells me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am…  no matter how much weight I seem to collect or how many pre-rag zits pop up.

4.) He still assumes the spoon-position without being asked.

5.) He will still hold my hand in public — even that time I drug him off to WalMart during rush-hour with my hair a color that could have easily put an orange construction barrel to shame!  (I won’t mention the fact that he tried to sneak away once we entered the store and he saw the people staring at me — and him!)  I had to get a darker shade of Auburn to fix it.  I couldn’t go to work like that, no matter how much he tried not to laugh, and no matter how poorly he lied when he told me it “looks just fine.”  Did I mention he’s a very BAD liar?

6.) He never tells me, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache.” *giggle*

7.) Sometimes, unexpectedly, he’ll whip off a pee-my-pants funny.  Usually when we’re driving somewhere, and we’re a long ways from an acceptable bathroom.  Now that I think about that… I think he does that on purpose.   I think he likes to watch me squirm.  Maybe I don’t love him for that after all.

8.) He doesn’t try to make me love, get along with, tolerate all, some, any of the in-laws and he agrees emphatically that his younger brother is a lazy idiot.

We won’t talk about the number of items I’ve had to throw at him throughout the years to teach him when it’s best to be quiet and no argue with me.  He now fully understands and has come to terms with the fact that I am Einstein-magnitude-brilliant and I’m never, ever wrong.  *E*V*E*R*

We’ve been together long enough now that it’s safe to consider him “a keeper.”  Besides, just the thought of having to housebreak a new Hubby makes me shudder.

With that, I’ll nominate just two people (and hope they’ll do it):
Redneck Mommy and
A Real Housewife

And now that he’s spied the topic of this post over my shoulder and commented, “Oh, now you wanna torch me, huh?”  He may come to see what I’ve griped lovingly written about him online.  And if, Darling Hubby, you are reading this… I really do love you for all of those reasons, and many more!

7.  That person keeps staring at you.
Thanks a lot for the extra dose of self consciousness and paranoia…  Now they’ll be staring at me and I’ll KNOW they’re doing it!

6. I have to drop the kids off at the pool.
Oh, geez.  Can’t you take a dump without making a public service announcement?

5.  I use these plastic cigar tubes and have my kids pee in it so I can pass the drug screening for work.  I just keep it my bra so it’s body temperature if I get tested.
Great, we have a coke-head working for Kokosing (yes, the pavement crews.)

4.  I have a big boil *down there*.
Oh, lovely, I may be a nurse, but I’m not YOUR nurse.  Please, keep that to yourself and discuss it with your real healthcare provider.

3.  I’m not circumcised, and some girls are freaked out by that.
I’m freaked out by the fact that you just told me that right here in front of my husband!

2.  We have Mac ‘n Chip thighs!
(LMAO @ you-know-who-you-are!!)

And finally…

1.  He shaved his d*ck in the shape of a heart!
This from my MIL, who was talking about her husband who she thought was having an affair…  Holy shit.  She does NOT know that there’s just some information you do NOT tell your DIL!  I’ve been forever scarred by it.  And come to think of it, she didn’t even seem the slightest bit concerned that there is (evidently) enough hair on his d*ck for him to be able to shave it into the shape of something.  Ewwww.

Dungeon Father from Austria Story

Just LOOK at That!!

Monday came and, after a great deal of procrastination, I filed my claim on the Geico website.  Within 60 minutes, someone contacted us about the claim.  Over the phone, she gave me a brief overview of the process, and asked if we would need a rental car.  I told her that would depend on how long my ride would be out-of-service.  She said that was fine, just to let them know if we would need one.  She said that a local claims adjuster would be contacting us within the next 24 hours.  Note:  I’m still quaking in my boots over the potential increase in premiums and how I’m going to be treated, because I’ve never been through this before.

This morning, the claims adjuster called and told us he would be here by 2 pm.  We’d only planned to putter around the house anyway, so this worked out well.  I’m especially glad we don’t have to drive it somewhere to be “adjusted.”

He arrived at about 1:30 pm.  He carefully took stock of the damage to the driver’s side fender on my baby ride.  He talked to us, told us what he was seeing, asking us basic questions, and going on to explain exactly how this would work, since we’ve never had to file and insurance claim before. We talked about the deer slayer (aka brush guard or grill guard) on the front, and how it had actually spared us more extensive and horrific damage.  He estimated the damage at just under $1,100. W*O*W!  He carefully explained what he expected they would do to make my baby like new.  This included removing the front bumper, the fender trim, the running boards, then finally the fender.  Then they would pop out the dent, carefully reshape it to match perfectly, prime it, and repaint it.  They’ll replace the busted turn signal assembly and then they’ll install a brand-spanking new slayer!  Yipee!  How long does he think they’ll have my Durango?  3 days.  I guess we’ll need the rental car after all.  Glad I added the rental car reimbursement to my policy.

We asked about trusted body shops that were close by and he recommended Kumler Collision in Lancaster, mostly because they guarantee the work performed there.  Cool.  We’ve heard very good things about Kumler and their work.  He said that Kumler would get us into a rental and would bill Geico directly.  No muss, no fuss.  Just the way I like it.  He returned to his car to finish his work while I jumped on the phone with Kumler.  The next available appointment is April 8th.  Wow, that’s 3 weeks from now.  But I guess that says something about their work if they are that busy, right?  The friendly fellow on the phone asked, “Will you need a rental car?”

I answer, “Yes, I will.”

“Okay, we’ll have one ready and waiting for you when you arrive.  We’re here as early as 7 am for you to drop off your car,” he informs me.

“Wonderful.  Geico is here now and will be faxing you the information you’ll need shortly.  Thank you, we’ll see you then.”

By then, the Geico claims adjuster had finished his paperwork and was exiting his vehicle.  He approaches me and hands me his neatly printed final estimate, along with a check for over $800 written out to me and to Kumler Collision.  He tells me that once the work is completed, I’ll just have to sign the check over to Kumler and to add my $200 deductible and we’ll be all set.  He also told me that if, once the body shop tears the front driver’s side of my Durango apart, they find more damage that wasn’t apparent with the initial inspection, that Kumler would contact Geico directly and take care of things.  Even better.

Before he left, Hubby asked if he thought this would cause our premium to go up.  He asked again if we’d ever had an accident claim.  No.  Hubby pointed out, “I wasn’t driving it.  It was parked when someone hit it.  We don’t even know who did it.  Hit and run.”

“Oh, well, then that won’t even count, they won’t raise your rates over that,” he informs us.  Now everyone is smiling.

With that, I’m giving Geico 5 stars for allowing me to choose my own deductible.  (I’d really be crying if I’d have been stuck with the $500 deductible.)  Geico also gets top ratings for giving me a great rate for full coverage insurance with rental reimbursement AND such a low deductible.  Geico also rates tops in prompt and friendly customer service.  They’re taking great care of me, and have put me at ease about filing this claim.  Thanks Gieco.  I’m glad I dumped Progressive for you guys!  (Progressive is rant for another day.)

Me:  Who woke you up?  (looking accusingly around the living room at two sons)

Hubby:  You did!  I felt you tap me on the shoulder and call my name. (taps his own shoulder as a reenactment)

Me:  (taken aback, hand clutches heart in a dramatic fashion) I did NOT!  I would never do something like that.  You’re full of shit.

Hubby:   YOU are full of shit, and you did!

Me:  Really, now.  And just what did I want? (raises eyebrows, very curious now about what made-up answer I’m gonna get)

Hubby:  I don’t know.  (laughs and shakes head) I rolled over and you didn’t say nuttin’.

Me:  Uh huh.

He musta been dreaming.  AND he’s full of shit.