Excuse my choice of words. But it’s true

For the past two and a half years I have been driving a car with GPS, 360-degree proximity sensor (so the car makes a maddening noise when I’m close to hitting anything …). Thirty months of driving in Singapore, and I still don’t know how to drive around without turning on the GPS. The proximity sensor has numbed my natural instinct for proximity with other objects … I’m fully counting on this maddening beeping sound to determine whether or not I am keeping a safe distance.  This is a BIG regress from my previous ability to drive around in Jakarta without a GPS – I simply looked at the map and memorized the routing. I used to be able to instinctively know when I should stop backing up by just looking at the car next to me. I used to be able to determine how fast a car / motorcycle is approaching and whether or not I’d be able to steal a turn in that mili-second.

And now? Last month I braved myself to drive again in Jakarta. I have lost my bearings and my ability to detect motorcycles roaming around me. A couple of times my wheel almost got ditched into the waste water canal (got / selokan, they call it in Indonesian) while turning. Several times cars and motorcycles honked violently at me for hitting the break all of a sudden, or turning without warning, because I almost missed turns or wasn’t aware that the car / motorcycle slightly on my side or front is stopping.

I used to memorize everyone’s birthday, address and phone number. Now I only remember my immediate family members’. Some people are worse off. They may not even remember their own phone number, address and post code

And then there’s home entertainment … remote controls make us too lazy to walk to the TV stand to turn on any game consoles, DVD player, CD player, or the TV. Everything is just one click away … but we end up with back pain or headache because we sit on the sofa for too long without moving around. On top of that, we could end up being obese because of lack of exercise and too much snacking on the sofa.

In addition, there’s “food technology” … frozen vegetables. Frozen pizza. Frozen pies. Frozen chicken nuggets. Instant soup. Frozen lasagna. Instant marinades and sauces. While I am not anti frozen food, I am now mindful of all the chemicals that these frozen and instant food may contain (MSG in particular), and the germs that may grow on food that you thaw and re-freeze. The only frozen food I buy is preservative-free fresh food that is instantly sealed and frozen, and the only instant food I buy is those without MSG or preservatives.

And how can we talk about this without talking about telecommunication gadgets? The smartphones (iPhone, Blackberry, O2 and the like) and personal computers (or laptop). We can answer our e-mails 24/7. We can do “management by SMS” (which I used to do regularly). You can divorce your wife upon sending a text message (what???? This really happens though!!!). It comes  complete with calendar, currency exchange rates, measurement converters, dictionaries, games, etc. etc. How many times have we heard grieves from parents that their children are engrossed in their games and have no connection with reality, or prefer to “communicate” with their online friends rather than having face-to-face interaction with their real friends? For this reason, we limit our son’s computer and game console use to only weekends, where we stop him every 60-90 minutes to do other stuff (shower, biking, lunch, grocery shopping, swim, etc.) to make sure he moves around and stays alert to what’s happening around him.

I use an iPhone and loving it. But I also realize that playing games on that tiny screen will give me a neck and shoulder pain over time. Turning on my 3G means that I will constantly be checking my e-mails. Turning my sound on loudly means that I will occasionally disturb my husband’s sleep (and my own) because some people do text and e-mail me at odd hours. And that listening to my iTunes song collection has made me missed my bus or train stops. For this reason, I don’t bring my earphones (I never use earphones anymore. Full stop).  I consciously do not turn on any alarm for my calendar – I don’t want to be reminded by an alarm that today is my son’s birthday or my wedding anniversary – that’s one of the many important things that I want to remember without any help.

At 31 years old, I have suffered from neck and shoulder pain from bad posture in front of the computer and now I have to constantly remind myself to sit upright, maintain my posture, and exercise my shoulder and neck muscles to prevent similar stiffness and pain. My shoulder and neck pain have costed me thousands or dollar to pay my physiotherapists, orthopaedics and neurologists, plus many sick leave because of migraine and inability to move – something that could have been easily avoided had I disciplined myself to limit my technology use. I have had lower back pain because of accumulated slouching on the sofa. And I have had my fair share of food poisoning because of rotten instant food (those instant sauces and marinades that are way over their expiry dates).

Should we shun these technologies and live like the Amish? Your choice. As for my family, we choose to keep most of these technologies, but we make a concerted effort to limit the use of it to what is necessary. This means not turning on the GPS unless we’re driving to a new place. It means limiting our game and TV use to one hour at a time, with time-outs to go to the toilet, stretch, or do other things during commercial breaks. It means making an effort to remember our credit card numbers, FIN number, phone numbers of those we would call the most often, and other details that are just too easy to forget if we rely on technology. It means buying ergonomic chairs for our study desks and only use the computer and any writing work there, even though that means isolation from the TV when we’re doing work from home (my oh my … qué horror! ). This means turning our phone on silent when we’re sleeping. I’ve even gone a step further … turn my phone silent most of the time, so that I would only pick it up when it is convenient – no more running to my phone when my shower or cooking isn’t finished! After all, if that call is really that important, the person will call back, or can leave me a text message.

Just don’t allow technology makes you dumb, lazy and frail … I was halfway there, and got a wake up call from all my spinal problems.

Today (Monday September 21, 2009) my family experienced yet another encounter with Singapore’s hospitality

We were parking in an outdoor car park, sitting in the car waiting for my son’s friend to arrive. A few minutes later, tired of waiting, I decided to step out to buy a cup of coffee. Apparently, when I was out a car parked next to our car, then the wife opened the back door so hard it slammed the side of our car and left a dent.

My husband gave the wife a look, hoping that she would at least acknowledge that she’d done something wrong and apologized. She gave an empty look back at him, but walked on, repeatedly looking back at the car, obviously knowing that she’d done something wrong and that it hadn’t gone unnoticed.

But yet, she refused to acknowledge it and apologized. That’s all my husband was expecting … an apology.

When I got back and heard the story, I asked them, “Why didn’t you hit the car back and make it even?”

The car that dented ours :-p

[note: that car is a normal sedan. Our car is a rugged Land Rover. If we slammed that car with our door, it would have left a dent far worse --> see picture ]

Note … I am sick of this type of attitude from many Singaporeans. I have seen and experienced a lot of rudeness and curtness among them, and have in some occasions stepped up to make them correct it. This ranges from someone who didn’t flush after taking a dump in a public toilet (obviously thinking that the automatic flush will take care of everything … NOT!!!), a lady who refused to help my teacher get back on her feet after her car door opened and knocked my teacher off balance and caused her to land on muddy grassland, to a taxi driver who refused to answer a few basic touristy questions from my friend who was visiting Singapore for the first time.

Had I been in the car, I would have stepped out, told the lady to look at my husband in the eye and apologized, plus paid for damages, otherwise I would have slammed my door to her car (HARD!) then left a note, “Let’s call it even.”

After all, this is not the first time that someone did exactly this to us and walked away, although they were fully aware that someone is sitting in that car. Did they care? Not for a bit! This is Singapore after all …. :-p

But thank God my husband is more patient on things that make me upset (and vice versa). He just said, “Two wrongs don’t make one thing right….” and that deterred me from doing anything equally (or even nearly as) nasty.

But I just had to write this for the world to read

“Pengalaman adalah yang guru terbaik”, katanya. “Belajarlah dari kesalahan,” katanya lagi. Dan saya mengimani pernyataan-pernyataan ini.

Tapi sebagai orang tua, tentunya kita ingin anak tidak mengulangi kesalahan yang dulu pernah kita lakukan. Kita ingin mereka belajar dari pengalaman kita, bukan dari pengalaman sendiri. Dan kita jadi over protektif, karena takut anak cidera lah, kotor lah, nilainya turun lah, dsb. Kita (terutama kalau kita ibunya) maunya anak kita safe, secure dan sehat.

Karena itu kita minta anak untuk tidak lari-lari, tidak keringetan, tidak keluar rumah tanpa didampingi, tidak jajan sembarangan, tidak bicara ketika orang tuanya ngobrol dengan teman sejawatnya, tidak ini, tidak itu.

Tapi akhirnya anaknya jadi “wimpy” … kalau dia ga belajar untuk independen dan punya pengalaman ini itu, gimana dia akan jadi survivor setelah dewasa?

Karena itu, saya dan suami menetapkan bahwa anak kami harus well-rounded, harus belajar dari banyak pengalaman. Kami biarkan dia mencoba macam-macam hal, dan kami dampingi dia atau biarkan dia mengalami sendiri berdasarkan resiko yang dia hadapi:

1. Kalau resikonya kecil, kami biarkan dia untuk mencari jalan keluar sendiri. Misalnya, waktu umur 10 tahun dia belum bisa buka segel kaleng atau botol (karena dulu selalu dibukain pembantu). Sekarang kita bilang, “Kalau kamu beli minum, ya harus buka botol / kalengnya sendiri.” Pernah dia coba2 buka botol sampai sejam lebih, saya biarkan saja. Saya ga menawarkan bantuan walaupun dianya putus asa. “Kalau kamu mau minum apple juice itu, ya buka sendiri botolnya.” Dia pakai segala macem alat mulai dari sedotan, gunting, gigi, karet gelang, dsb … biarkan saja dia bereksperimen. Ya di awalnya kami ajarkan cara bukanya, tapi tau sendiri dong anak kadang merasa caranya lebih oke. Ya monggo dicoba

Demikian juga dengan sekolah. Di 2-3 minggu pertama di tiap term, kami biarkan dia bikin PR dan belajar untuk ulangan sendiri tanpa kami gerecoki. Biasanya di 2-3 minggu ini, PR masih gampang dan bobotnya tidak besar. Kalaupun dia lupa atau nilainya jelek, masih ada waktu untuk memperbaiki, tapi dia jadi sadar apa kelemahannya dan bahwa untuk hal-hal tertentu dia masih butuh saran dari orang tuanya (sekali waktu, dapet nilai nol atau 30 ‘tu bisa jadi wake-up call yang baik untuk anak yang terlalu pede  Dari 2-3 minggu ini kami bisa memantau sudah seberapa jauh kemajuannya untuk soal tanggung jawab dan problem-solving. Dari pantauan ini kami bisa menentukan seberapa besar peran kami masih dibutuhkan untuk bantu dia belajar.

2. Medium risk – resikonya besar tapi bisa dihilangkan kalau orang tuanya mengawasi. Ga tau kenapa, anak saya ini kok senang masak… jadi saya biarkan dia bantu saya masak di dapur, tapi dia harus saya dampingi ketika masaknya memerlukan pisau dan kompor karena resikonya lumayan besar kalau dia salah nyalakan kompor or salah potong, tapi kalau saya awasi sambil dia kerja, dia nggak akan salah nyalakan kompor atau potong jari.

Di liburan akhir tahun bulan lalu, kami putuskan anak saya sudah boleh nyoba nyetir jet ski. Tapi karena baru 12 tahun, saya atau bapaknya akan duduk di belakangnya sekedar untuk memastikan bahwa dia tidak nyetir ke perairan dangkal, ga terlalu ngebut, dan tidak terlalu dekat ke jet ski atau perahu lain. Dan karena kami percaya dia bisa, dia jadi semangat (ga banyak anak 12 tahun yang dibolehkan nyetir jet ski oleh orang tuanya), tapi tetap tanggung jawab … dia ga pernah ngebut-ngebut banget, dan selalu jaga jarak dengan perahu lain

Kami bawa dia untuk melihat orang dewasa melakukan profesinya. Pernah kami bawa dia ke kantor pengacara, ketemu interior designer kami, dia pernah diajak lihat cockpit pesawat (cabin crew-nya baik, dia dikasi ngobrol sama kapten-nya waktu kapten-nya lagi istirahat), dsb. Sebelumnya kami beritahu, “Kalau mereka lagi ngobrol dengan orang lain atau lagi konsentrasi, jangan diganggu ya. Kalau mereka lagi tidak sibuk, kamu boleh tanya2.”  Dia tidak pernah teriak-teriak atau motong percakapan kami dengan pengacara atau banker … dia selalu tunggu sampai orangtuanya selesai bicara dan form2 selesai ditandatangan, baru dia tanya, “Kok kantor pengacara isinya buku tebel2 sih?? Harus dihapal semua???”

3. High risk – anak ini belum waktunya mengalami hal demikian, cukup kita tunjukkan. Minggu lalu ada kecelakaan di depan apartemen kami … ada mobil ngebut lalu selip, mobilnya spinning beberapa kali lalu nabrak pohon persis di dekat kursi driver. Untuk mengeluarkan driver-nya dari mobil, pemadam kebakaran harus menggergaji bagian depan dan atas mobil. Driver-nya pingsan dan at least patah beberapa tulang, tapi bisa diselamatkan. Setelah ambulans, polisi dan mobil pemadam kebakarannya pergi, kami ajak anak lihat mobil yang belum diderek ini, sambil beritahu, “Kalau nyetirnya ngebut, hilang konsentrasi sedikit hasilnya bisa seperti ini. Kalau nanti kamu sudah bisa nyetir, hati-hati ya. Nyawa bukan mainan, ga ada gantinya.”

Bulan lalu, ketika kami makan di Malibu Beach, saya pengen nyoba mojito di restoran yang terkenal ini. Saya sudah tidak minum hard liquor selama 10 tahun, paling cuma minum segelas wine sekali waktu. Dengan perut kosong, saya nyeruput mojito ini, dan kepala saya mulai pusing walaupun 1/2 gelas belum habis, makanannya jadi ga enak, dan setelah makan dan lagi jalan-jalan di mall saya lari ke toilet untuk memuntahkan semua isi perut saya. Anak saya tahu bahwa saya dan suami hanya minum alkohol sekali waktu dan tidak pernah lebih dari segelas, tapi suami saya menggunakan kesempatan itu untuk mengajari dia, “Mabok ‘tu ga seru – kamu kehilangan kontrol atas diri kamu sendiri. Liat ‘tu mamimu pusing and muntah ga keruan. A glass of wine is okay every now and then, tapi jangan kemakan ajakan teman untuk mabok ya, walopun temen bilang kamu chicken, wimp, dllsb!”  Kebetulan anak saya jijik kalau lihat orang muntah (dia ga pernah muntah kecuali waktu bayi), jadi angle “mabok = muntah” ini cocok untuk ngajarin dia tentang responsible drinking

It has been two and a half years since I moved to Singapore, and eight months since I wrote my first Singapore Survival Guide for Expat Wives (click here to read it) which make people either love or hate me.

The issues which I wrote in my first article still remain, but they haven’t been bothering me as much as they used to be in my first year. Not that I now approve of those behavior, but I have now surrounded myself with things that prevent me from seeing these day-to-day realities too often to a point where they anger me.

So if you recently moved to Singapore and wish a pleasant stay or an easier adjustment, feel free to follow my advice:

1. Find something to do. I enrolled in Mandarin class right after I arrived. About six months later, I got myself involved in the church. Then I started a blog which I update regularly (I now administer four blogs). I occasionally write articles for Indonesian magazines or newspapers – a good way to brush up my writing skills. Once my stepson moved in with us last year, I started volunteering in PTA activities and school events. When we have something to occupy our mind and time, the things around us that usually bug us won’t annoy us as much because we simply don’t have the time to linger on the issue that we can’t solve anyway

If you have a career previously, you might want to apply for a job. It’s easy to have your Dependent Pass to Employment Pass. It’s even possible for a DP holder to work on freelance / part time basis, as long as the company that hires you is willing to take care of the admin side of it (which is NOT difficult).

Don’t get hopes up too high though …. while Singapore is a regional hub for many businesses, I don’t find Singapore as a particularly appreciative place for an expat wife who wants a promising career unless you meet certain criteria. This is another article for another occasion

2. Go places where you can make friends as soon as you arrive! My first few friends in Singapore are former school friends whom I locate through Facebook. Then I signed up to learn Mandarin and made some more friends. Then I made friends through my PTA activities, church, my husband’s work mates, and my alumni association friends. I join a few mailing lists / yahoogroups on topics that interest me, and made yet another few friends through that. Once your social network in Singapore is established, again, you will become more contented and at ease, not to mention that these new friends will teach you everything about Singapore … from how to bring your own chosen maid from Indonesia without using an agent, where to buy discounted top quality meat (Zac Meat!), to where is the best holiday resort in Indonesia (Losari Coffee Plantation!)

Being married to an American, the usual suggestion that I hear is, “Why don’t you become a member of the American club?”  I am not a big advocate of club membership (sorry guys…). If I become a gym member, at least I pay only for the things that I plan to use. When I become a club member, I pay a hefty amount of money in advance just to be “welcomed” within that circle, and then still need to pay for use of  the facilities (other than the gym and pool) and the programs you choose to join. If others feel the need to do it to start a social network, be my guest, but it’s not one that I would recommend. There are so many expats and things to do in Singapore I simply don’t understand when people say, “It’s so hard to find like-minded people ….”

3. Start researching getaway places Being in Singapore means traveling within the region is fast and cheap. So start looking for getaways in Indonesia, Thailand, Vietnam, Malaysia, Laos, Cambodia, Australia etc. and plan to visit some places when your husband gets some time off work. In my last 30 months here, I have been to Johor, Bangkok, Ho Chi Minh City, Seoul (ski! ski!), Hong Kong, Perth, Gold Coast, Fraser Island, Bali, Bali, Bali, Yogya, Semarang, …. you name it!  We flew budget airlines, visited during low season, and went to places that are some times off the beaten track. Plan your own itinerary rather than joining a big tour group that takes you to the generic, over-commercialized, landmarks. Planning these getaways bring me joy

4. Start a business. Starting a business is easy and straightforward. The main thing you need to have is the right qualifications (educationally) and expertise in the industry where you want to start a business. I’m about to get my business started as well. This is, again, another article for another occasion

5. Continue your study. A lot of reputable foreign universities open a campus in Singapore, or offer a joint program with a local university. Look it up on the net and you will see what’s available. If you didn’t finish your degree because of family commitment or want to do another study in a different field, this might be your opportunity

6. In extreme cases, just avoid things that make you upset. I now try to avoid driving during peak hours or visiting Orchard in weekends because the way people drive, hog the lane, or park make me upset. I now stop calling a service hotline number of any companies, I go directly to their office instead. Gone are the days of being put on hold for more than half hour … I could finish cooking dinner before someone answered my call, and even then their answer hardly ever solves the problem. We stop going to restaurants, however popular and recommended, which requires us to queue for more than 10 minutes and always say, “This menu don’t have … that item no more, finish already…”

Yosemite National Park spans some 12,000 square miles in North California. Heard about it a lot, seen many photos of it, and my husband thought it will be great to end our California road trip by visiting this huge national park.

So we spent a full day there one summer day, only to find that most waterfalls that awed us in the photos are down to a trickle … some of them don’t show anything but rocks. Getting a nice picture in a lot of places are just so challenging because there were too many tourists and cars. Getting the attention of a staff at the visitor information center takes a long time, simply because there were too many people asking questions and not enough rangers to cater for everyone.

There was no clear walking map – the only map we had was the map of the whole park, but not of the trails that we could take. Or maybe there is a walking trail map … we just didn’t find it. But we specifically looked for it and couldn’t find it .. not in the visitor information center, and not at the start of the trail. And when we decided that yes, we wanted to try a short trail, there was no place to park our car.

At the end of the day, we only walked up to Bridalveil fall to see what remained of the waterfall, saw some rock formations, took photos with some giant sequoia trees, ate lunch sitting on a tree trunk because there was no bench left, and drove around the valley.

At the end of it, my husband realized that the best time to come would be spring – some time when it is NOT a school holiday … when the waterfalls gushed out lots of water from the melting snow, and when the plants were in full bloom. Other than that, give Yosemite a miss and visit Sequoia National Park instead, just south of Yosemite, for some real nature-seeking day.