This moment is all we have

Passion

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 17:46:00 +0000

As a teacher, I'm in the business of selling things. Selling dreams, selling hope, and doing so with passion.

It's become one of the most difficult aspects of teaching for me, especially when I seem to have lost a great deal of my desire to be creative.

So what do you do when you've lost some of it? What happens when I no longer strive for the days of good weather to get out and take photographs, filling in that void created by a passion to be creative?

I guess I can only do what I can and take one step at a time, hoping to get that passion back

Man of

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 13:11:00 +0000

My wife and I are trying something today. A “program” to getting in shape.

This is not something new. We’ve tried, and failed hundreds of times before.

But today, on my 38^th birthday, there is a sense of urgency, of losing time, that I haven’t really had before. This might be among my last chances at this. As my son would say, “You never know when a train is coming by,” and that’s so true, Logan. At 38 I’ve become the most unhealthy version of myself, and I honestly can’t say how many more chances I’ll have to truly change my life.

The thing is, I’m losing the chance to inspire something in my son, to show him how life can truly be harnessed and lived. If I fail, and he comes to know who I am now as his father, he has a good chance to follow my path into this unhealthy state I’ve spiraled into.

Today is an opportunity to do something, and not just despair about it, and not just blog about it. But to do a real thing…

I still, at 38, have the chance to define what kind of man I am. I can still be a better person and example.

If there is nothing else I do for the rest of my life, let it be this. To carry this through.

Why not?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 13:25:00 +0000

Hmmm... it's a good question, right?

Why not?

Unfortunately, it's one that gets paralyzes us far too often. When we want to do something amazing, like have an art show, change jobs, go on a big trip, etc., it's always a big list of "why nots" that stops us.

Sometimes that's a good thing. We just don't have the money for some of that right now...

But sometimes it's just us stopping ourselves from having a more honest conversation with the world around us. Often times, I think the reasons to actually do one of these amazing things far outweights the reasons to NOT do them.

Yet we focus on the nots. We get scared. It stops us from moving on.

Here's to focusing on the positives, and making choices that expand and exhilerate our lives. Take your glass or cup or whatever you'd like, raise it in the air, and think of the possibility in doing something new.

I'm with ya.

Fear of failure

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:25:00 +0000

I have a strange relationship with my fear of failure.

At times, I'm unbeatable. This is actually my default mode. For instance, just the other day I thought it would be cool if I could program websites. So I started looking into it, and I found some free classes online that could teach me, and I started to do some of the tutorials.

Then, of course, reality hit me, and I realized I had NO time for a new commitment like that... although I still think I could do it.

And with teaching, I truly think I could be among the best teachers in the nation. Yet... in the back of my mind, I think I'm a farce. A cheat. All these people telling me how great of a job I've done here are somehow misguided or missing something, and if they peeled back the layers, they'd see me for my true self.

So I guess it depends on the time of day. Go figure.

Mojo

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 00:37:00 +0000

I wish I could call up my mojo at any time. I can't.

Like right now... I am lost, wondering what the hell to write about, unsure of my voice and with no ideas to speak of.

So instead, I'll just let it lie - no photo attached - and hope for a better tomorrow.

Ahead

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 20:49:00 +0000

This is what beckons me as I drive through the countryside, camera on the seat next to me, and the mystery of the unknown ahead of the next hill or turn.

The open road.

It's impossible sometimes, even after hours, to want to go back the way I came, simply because the possibility of finding something new on the road ahead.

It's why we should always be curious, always looking at what's ahead and pursuing the possibility of something amazing.

Inside my head

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 13 Apr 2013 14:18:00 +0000

I need to listen to the voice inside my head.

It's right most of the time.

The voice that says "don't eat that!" The voice that says "Don't say that!" The voice that says "don't play a stupid video game right now, you have something else to do!"

And yet, far too often, I ignore it.

So how do I slow down and listen to it?

They add up

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 14:52:00 +0000

The hardest things to change are the small habits we've incorporated into our lives over the years like chewing our lips, cracking our knuckles, and gunning the accelerator when the light turns green. These are all things that we barely notice when we do them. These thousands of things we do every day are hard to change, to let go of and reconfigure.

I've heard that making big changes in our lives often times demands a life-changing event. It's one of the reasons I decided to quit teaching at Benson and transfer to Westside. I need a big change.

The past few years it's become harder for me to deal with the issues and problems my students face on a daily basis, and it's turned me into a sometimes cynical teacher. I no longer express the joy in the world I used to exude, and I think that's worked against me these last few years. I'm not getting the same quality of work I used to get when I faced every day with a more positive attitude.

And so next year I plan on changing many things (and I'm getting a head start on them now).

I am going to start each class with a fun activity or story - something to get us all smiling.

I am going to share my creative side with my students like I used to - my new photo project or a blog post I'd like to share.

I will make sure that every student has a birthday party.

For every individual success we have in class, we will celebrate together.

More than anything I want to create a new environment where we share fun moments. These positive shared experiences will add up to a more creative, positive, and productive classroom.

Proving that we can have fun while doing hard work will be one of the more important life lessons I teach them... as long as I can find a way to do this with them.

Guac

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 13:40:00 +0000

I have a problem with follow through, especially when video games are involved.

You see, I LOVE games. They are a part of who I am. I think they make up a significant portion of my DNA.

Yet I can't seem to finish a game - to beat it and see all that it has to offer. Instead I fork over my money, play it for a while, then do the same thing to the next game. It's terrible.

So today, as I also try to find a way to eat better and get some exercise, I'm going to see if I can't follow through on finishing games.

I'll start with this one, called Guacamelee, for my Playstation Vita. It's a quirky and ridiculously-styled side scroller that oozes charm. It's also damn fun.

So today, I hope this small commitment can carry over and bleed into the other things I want to get done in life, like blogging, photography, and getting in shape.

I hope this new commitment, however absurd it seems, can help me live a more fulfilling life where I actually follow through not only by beating games, but by losing weight and taking more photos. I hope this is the spark I need to jump start my system.

A return

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 17:16:00 +0000

At one point I was sure I wouldn't return to these pages.

This blog was one of the things I cut as I became busier and busier with teaching and family. However, I think I might need this. This creative outlet.

Lately I've been having some stress issues, and it's gotten to the point where I've thought about quitting teaching. It's crazy even to say that - I'm ridiculously lucky at home and at work. Teaching teens is a test of will no matter what, but in the scheme of things, I've got a good gig going on.

Yet, there's been this creeping sense of something missing from my life that I can't seem to get a hold of. I thought at first my job was the culprit, but I think I was wrong.

I think it's a consistent creative outlet that I'm missing. Photography. Words. Sharing.

So I'm going to see if I'm right, which brings me here and this photo.

This was taken last summer at one of our (many) excursions to the pumpkin patch, and it's been sitting on my hard drive since.

What's the point of taking photos, if not to share them?

So here I am, sharing once again. Why this photo? Why now?

...Why not?

Dreaming

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 00:53:00 +0000

And... I'm back. Again.

That's saying a lot from a guy whos last post was months ago, and it was called "The Comeback." When I wrote that post, I truly meant to update my blog more often, and to cross post it to Facebook, and all that junk.

Then I kind of quit again, so maybe right after this post I'll be gone for a few months.

Who knows.

Here is what I do know: life is pretty awesome.

For all the headaches we have, for all the bouts of sleepiness and laziness, and not reaching our true potential, the journey we are on is such a beautiful thing - if only we took the time every once in a while to appreciate it.

And so here I am, tired, and a bit stressed. There's so much going on that, at times, I find it hard to breathe.

But then I see my boy, and he radiates hope.

I touch my wife's hand, and her warm love lets me know that I am never alone.

I kiss my mother and father on their cheeks and realize every moment I have with them is a gift.

I help a student at school, and I know that I can, at times, make a difference.

As people we always seem to be reaching for something more, trying to attain some largely abstract dream that will make us happy if only we can only ever get there.

And then there's times when you realize that you're living the dream, right now. In this very moment.

The Comeback

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 01:33:00 +0000

Went out taking pictures with my bro, Zach.
Here is what we found.

Unexpected

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 18:11:00 +0000

What an amazing thing to wake up and find outside your front window.

Cuteness Central

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 03:12:00 +0000

Cutting Cables

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 23 May 2010 04:05:00 +0000

We canceled cable. It's kind of weird, actually, after all these years of being connected to dozens and dozens of channels...

Even when C and I had an apartment, we had "cheap" cable, which meant we had channels 1-28. All it meant was that we watched the HGTV network all the time, and I was bored with everything they had.

Then, of course, when we moved into our home, we ordered the regular schedule of cable channels. 1-70 or so, and some high def ones.

For years that's what we had, but when Logan was born, we decided we didn't want our son addicted to television. At least not so early in his life.

The transition hasn't been that difficult, even though I thought it would be. Tonight, after Casey went to bed, I briefly had forgotten we got rid of cable. I thought about turning on ESPN to see what was up in the world of sports.

I chuckled when I realized we didn't have ESPN any longer - and I suprised myself when I realized I didn't really care. .That I was, in fact, relieved that we didn't.

Because most of what we see on cable sucks. It's all driven by commercials... loads and loads of commercials that I could truly do without.

So right now, I'm going to grab a book (Stephen King's Under the Dome) and read a story to end the night. A small part of me still cares about Favre's surgery and what it means for the next NFL season... a small part of me still wants to watch the History channel in the guise that it might make me smarter... and part of me still wants mindless entertainment.

Yet that part of me is slowly dying, and I'm pretty happy about it. I can only hope to show Logan that there is much more to this life than television and commercials...

This New World

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 06 May 2010 21:33:00 +0000

I remember being in some sort of heated discussion with someone, and they ask me, "Do you have kids?" I would say "no," and then they'd say, "Well then, wait till you have kids. Then you'll understand."

Although that would make me angry beyond all comprehension, to the point of stammering and cursing, I think I might...

just maybe...

realize that they were right.

Fatherhood makes a difference.

Case in point: the mothers and fathers who make up the movement against vaccines because of the fear that vaccines somehow can cause autism.

At one point before Logan was born, I was full of hate for these people. I just couldn't understand how they could be so selfish, so fearful, and completely ignorant of the science behind vaccines.

So today I showed some of my students a Frontline video about the topic. I watched it with completely new eyes, and with a sense of compassion I have never had before.

I still disagree with them. Vaccines are safe more than 99% of the time, and they have done far more good than harm... but I now have much more empathy for the parents.

Having a child simply makes every decision in life more important and meaningful. I would stop at nothing to make sure my child is safe - possibly including putting others at risk (as I believe the parents who do not vaccine their children do). I know it's not, perhaps, the right thing to do, but I'd do it for my son. I'd sacrifice the world for him. Fight against anything for him.

Yesterday was a beautiful day, and Casey and I took Logan to the park. He was amazed by the world, and I tried to look at what he was seeing. The same trees I have seen a thousand times took on a new meaning, and I was imagining what he must be looking at. He saw birds, animals, and children playing. Leaves and grass and twigs and fields. He saw the sun fading as it drifted away - and they were all wonders to him.

The world seemed that much more wonderful to me, and made me fiercely promise to protect him, to teach him, and to love him beyond anything I thought I was capable of.

Fatherhood makes a difference.

Yep...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 01 May 2010 10:21:00 +0000

He's still a super cutie...

Kick Ass

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 13:36:00 +0000

Ok. So birthdays aren't usually that big of a deal with me. Mostly I just like hanging out with Casey and having the chance to pick where I want to go out and eat with my family. Fun stuff and all, but no big deal. Mostly just another excuse to over-eat slothfully.

But yesterday was different. It was my first birthday with my son, and I really can't describe how incredible it was... and I didn't even get birthday cake!

For the most part, C and I have been crazy busy lately. With photo jobs, school, and real life always getting in the way, we haven't had the chance to really just hang out and be a family. My birthday we decided to do that.

Every moment of yesterday, all day and night, was absolutely wonderful. We had an amazing breakfast, where Logan just smiled at everyone and made beautiful noises. We went out and shopped. Casey gave me a few amazing gifts. Logan napped in my arms. We went out to eat, and after dropping Logan off at my sister's, we saw that Kick-Ass movie. It was an amazing day.

The one lasting memory I have is when we did the photo booth at the mall. The quality of the photo is terrible, but it's probably going to be one of the most important photographs I've ever had taken in my lifetime:

So yeah - yesterday was amazing... and today I can reflect on the lucky and joyous life I have.

Color

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 03:38:00 +0000

My wife had an art show tonight, after months of documenting a local group of community members in a workshop format.

This is a small part of her show.

She came home exhausted, especially after spending countless hours putting things together and getting things ready over the last week.

I just hope she knows how amazing she is. I want her to see the beauty and truth she brings to the world through her photography, and the power she has to move people.

Take a rest, sweetie... you deserve it. Love our little boy and smile at the wonder of our happy, amazing life.

Logan's Giggle

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 11:49:00 +0000

Trying

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 18:01:00 +0000

Time is so short right now... I know I'm just making excuses, but I find it hard to even log in on my computer upstairs...

Anyway, as I try to get inspired, I ran this blog into wordle, and got this:

It made me smile.

Mr. Smiles

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 02:10:00 +0000

This is my life... and I love it.

- He's scared of those guns...

- Learning how to box...

- Showering his mother with smiles.

Inspiration

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 16:13:00 +0000

Howard Zinn died yesterday. He is one of the most important figures in my life, as his words and actions have helped to shape my entire world view.

He was much more than a historian or activist, as he lived his life in a way that I will always envy.

Although he has always had his enemies - people who have called him a traitor, liar, and much worse - I would hope that even those in disagreement with his views would respect a man who lived in service of others, sacrificing his own safety and time with family to try to make the world a better, more peaceful place.

I remember being younger and reading A People's History. I was in awe of the work. My entire life, I had only read history through the voices of those in power. In education, we only see a narrow viewpoint: those of the victors or those in power who have always attempted to write history to make themselves look better. Zinn wanted to give voice to the forgotten - the "regular" people who have shaped this world in much more powerful ways than any politician could ever do.

Zinn's words were what inspired me to become more active in my own education. He opened my eyes to see that regular people have more of a place in history than any politician or general. He made me feel hope for my students, and the possibilities of of them changing the world. I have gotten older and have become much more knowledgeable about history, and I have found many ways I disagree with Zinn. Yet even if I don't always side with everything he has said, I still find his conviction powerful and important.

He made me realize, for instance, that the civil rights movement wasn't created by politicians. Politicians, if left to their own, would have been perfectly happy in keeping with the racist traditions that is so embarrasing to our past. Instead, he showed that regular people stood up and fought for true justice. He showed that there was power within us all... and that only when there were people storming the streets and refusing to obey corrupt laws... only then did politicians get serious about real change.

He has given me hope for this mad, violent, disturbing world we live in.

I'm going to end this post with his last published work - written for The Nation discussing Obama's first year in office. Again - I don't always agree with everything he writes, but I respect the man for making me re-evaluate my own thoughts, and for always fighting to make this world a better place.

Howard Zinn (on Obama's first year):

I' ve been searching hard for a highlight. The only thing that comes close is some of Obama's rhetoric; I don't see any kind of a highlight in his actions and policies.

As far as disappointments, I wasn't terribly disappointed because I didn't expect that much. I expected him to be a traditional Democratic president. On foreign policy, that's hardly any different from a Republican--as nationalist, expansionist, imperial and warlike. So in that sense, there's no expectation and no disappointment. On domestic policy, traditionally Democratic presidents are more reformist, closer to the labor movement, more willing to pass legislation on behalf of ordinary people--and that's been true of Obama. But Democratic reforms have also been limited, cautious. Obama's no exception. On healthcare, for example, he starts out with a compromise, and when you start out with a compromise, you end with a compromise of a compromise, which is where we are now.

I thought that in the area of constitutional rights he would be better than he has been. That's the greatest disappointment, because Obama went to Harvard Law School and is presumably dedicated to constitutional rights. But he becomes president, and he's not making any significant step away from Bush policies. Sure, he keeps talking about closing Guantánamo, but he still treats the prisoners there as "suspected terrorists." They have not been tried and have not been found guilty. So when Obama proposes taking people out of Guantánamo and putting them into other prisons, he's not advancing the cause of constitutional rights very far. And then he's gone into court arguing for preventive detention, and he's continued the policy of sending suspects to countries where they very well may be tortured.

I think people are dazzled by Obama's rhetoric, and that people ought to begin to understand that Obama is going to be a mediocre president--which means, in our time, a dangerous president--unless there is some national movement to push him in a better direction.

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20100201/forum/6

Time

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 19:20:00 +0000

Lately, my wife and I haven't had much time together. Life is good - but crazy. I get home from school, get some dinner, and then take over baby duty as Casey goes to sleep.

We pass each other by, with barely time for moments between us... but our love is just as wonderful as ever - perhaps more so now that we have an amazing son to be in awe of every day.

Yesterday I had a snow day from school, and Casey surprised me with cookies and milk.

Good times... and makes me think of her doing the same for our boy someday, as we all have a snow day together.

Although I didn't think it possible, I love my wife even more now that we have a child. How can my heart be big enough for all this love?

(Below is a shot of me on a snow day with my boy and a cat. Life is good.)

Bonus Days

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 16:38:00 +0000

I've been off of school for three days now due to a massive snowstorm that swept into the area. It's given me tons of bonus time with my wife and son, and we've spent the time still getting to know the little guy.

Being first-time parents is just crazy. We have no clue what we're doing... but we're slowly learning and getting into a routine. You'd think that we'd be taking photos around-the-clock... and while we have taken some, we'd honestly rather sleep or clean up when we have a few moments. Washing the dishes and clothes has taken on a new priority in life...

Here are a few updated photos: