So I wake up this morning to some news that frightens me, but also makes me laugh my ass off.  In Winona, Minnesota a womans car broke down and she was forced to take it into a shop.  She explains she was on her way home and that there is a live goat in the trunk she plans to butcher.  Yes, a live goat prepped to be butchered.  While administering repairs the mechanic hears noises and banging around in the trunk.  After blood curdling screams of an animal the guy cracks open the trunk to find a goat painted completely purple with a number 4 shaved into its side.  The mechanic said it was tied up at the feet and had a sprinkle of gold along with the purple, the color of the Minnesota Vikings.

At this point I probably would have collapsed in a puddle of my own urine because I would be laughing so hard.  But the mechanic kept it together, called animal control and Mr. Goat was saved from brutal sacrifice to appease the football gods.

Theres still no word on whether the lady was cited or if any police action was taken, but from a lifelong Favre fan like myself, this is god damn hilarious.  I was under the impression butchering live animals in your home was something only practiced in the south, but this football fan proved me wrong.

So if you learned anything today kids, its that Favre is amazing and will drive people to animal sacrifice.

On Sunday August 23rd one of the best things ever happened…

Women protested the right NOT to wear shirts in public.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  Women in New Yorks central park protested yesterday for equal rights to men on not having to wear a shirt.

God bless America.

Unbeknownst to me, women are already allowed to be topless in New York but not in other states.  So these gods among women protested for the other state.  Apparently they want their constitutional right to equality in the form of being topless in public, which Mitch Higgins supports 100 percent.  As long as their not fat or ugly, keep those beasts caged ladies.

Also Unbeknownst to me, yesterday was National Go Topless Day.  Which should be a national fucking holiday, with noone working, but I didn’t even know about it. Fuck Lincolns birthday, its National Topless day… Id be a proud American on that day.

So ladies, have pride and earn your equality.  Go topless.  Preferably in my room after a few drinks.

I was first exposed to the idea of selling one of my nuts for money on a long car ride with my buddy Kevin Rogers.  Like on most long car rides conversation got weirder and weirder and eventually came to the question “would you eat a cup of poo for a million dollars?”  But I digress…  In the middle some where it was mentioned that Kevins brother explained he could sell a testicle for $60,000.   Immediately upon hearing this I was disgusted, and repulsed but slowly thought more about the idea.

Ive got 2 nuts, and you only need one to spread the Mitchy seed.  They’ve also got prosthetic nad’s they can ram in your sack.  I sell one ball and get $60,000.  So tempting. I always thought about it but never researched it because I never thought I could actually go through with cutting off one of my boys.

Its been 7 years since that fateful conversation and after more than 7 years of the real world ass raping me and making me its bitch, the idea of selling one of my gonads has become very attractive.  So during recent months, with the recession in full effect, Ive looked up lots of quick money solutions like sperm donation, blood plasma donation, prostitution, donating hair, and cutting out my friends kidney while he slept to sell on the black market.  Then I had the epiphany of the testicle sale, which would avoid a felony for assault with a deadly weapon.

So for days Ive google’d the living shit out of everything to do with testicle donation and found nothing.  Kidneys, partial livers, organ donor membership were all available but nothing of donating a ball.  Theres a lot of information out there about testicle cancer though… hope I never get that shit.  Yet I still cant find anything on selling my berry.  So im asking anyone out there, if you know anything about selling a testicle… to help  a guy out.  Where can you sell your testicle?

Did you know golf has been fighting for a spot in the Olympics for years? And now has the strongest support ever?  Did you also know that no Asian has ever won a major championship?  Soooooo… what could help get golf into the Olympics? Maybe gain the support of Asia??  Let Yang beat Tiger Woods in the final round of the PGA championship!?  BAM!

So Tigey takes a dive, an asian guy wins, competitive spirits grow, golf may get into the Olympics.  Im telling you… ITS TRUE!  LOTS more money to be made with a major sport in the olympics.

The PGA, Olympic committee, and other dudes with money confront Tiger.  Tell him, win all you want but if an asian guy ever gets close in major tournament play when need you to take a dive.  I can almost see the back of Marsellus Wallace’s neck and him saying “The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.”  Fuck pride Tiger.

Tiger chews up and spits out guys like Yang.  He has for over a decade, and for some bizarre reason he didn’t on Sunday.  Tiger normally just grabs the lead and then goes into prevent defense the final day but he kept missing putts, and landing iron shots in the wrong places.  HE THREW THE FIGHT!  Yang made a crazy eagle chip in, and kept landing huge shots all over the place.

Say what you want… golf will be in the Olympics now, because of this… and because I said so.

Well, Well, Well, kids, look who’s back. Welcome all to another action packed preview of the next UFC show, UFC: 101.  This card features some big names, and some up and comers, so strap yourself in and prepare to get worked over by some of the best.

-B.J. Penn (13-5-1; #3 Lightweight)* vs. Kenny Florian (12-3; #6 Lightweight)*

BJ the prodigy Penn steps away from his quest to hold 2 UFC Champion belts to face his toughest fight to date in the Light Weight division.  Penn who’s ground game is second to none is coming off a complete beating at the hands of Georges St. Pierre. Penn, always a fan favorite is a solid striker with a fierce ground game, his main weakness is going to be speed. BJ has long sat atop the LW ranks as the best fighter in the game, in fact many people consider him to be in the top 5 PFP fighters, however Kenny KenFlo Florian is gunning to knock him off.  Ken Flo is an ultimate fighter season 1 alumni, he has improved vastly and hasn’t in a very, very long time. His last loss was to Sean Sherk(former champion), in a 5 round decision.  That was well over 2-3 years ago believe. After his loss Florian has dedicated himself to the sport, and has redefined what it means to be a fighter in the Light Weight division, knocking off top contender after top contender example; His last fight was against top 2-3 LW fighter Joe Stevenson, it only took Florian about 1 minute to end the fight.  This fight has a lot of people giving question mark answers, personally I think this is going to be a great fight, but an easy one to pick, Florian is coming off a fairly long hiatus, last fight about a year ago, I think for once this will work in his favor, he will come in fresh, and focused.

Winner: Kenny Florian(new LW champion) via TKO(Knee strikes) in the 2nd.

-Anderson Silva (24-4; #1 Middleweight)*vs. Forrest Griffin (18-5; #3 Light Heavyweight)*

This is by far the fight im looking forward to most on this card, it’s got intrigue and excitement surrounding it.  Silva who is arguably the PFP greatest fighter in the world is moving up in weight to fight former Light Heavyweight Champion, Forrest Griffin.  Silva who is a very large fighter for the middleweight division is, for the first time, being thrown in against someone who matches him physically. I don’t really need to list Silva’s accomplishments because, well, if you don’t know then you probably are not reading this article.  Forrest, who is the ultimate fighter season 1 winner is facing one of his toughest fights to date. Personally I think Griffin has faced better fighters i.e. Shogun Rua, and “Rampage” Jackson, both guys he beat. Forrest is known for a strong chin and a big heart, and I think he will get both tested in this fight. The president of the UFC, Dana White, put this match together very quickly after Silva’s piss poor performance against Thales Lietes, I think Dana is hoping to spark a fire under one of his top fighters who was known for his quick and devastating knockouts, but lately has been boring as all hell.  Maybe im feeling punch drunk right now, but im calling for an upset, I think Forrest wins this fight one of two ways, first by submission in the 2nd, since I can’t pick both outcomes, im going with…

Winner: Forrest Griffin via Split Decision

-Amir Sadollah (5-0) vs. Johny Hendricks (5-0)

So the reaming fights on the card are exactly like this one, up and coming fighters who are getting a chance at the big show, part of me loves these types of cards, the other hates them.  Sadollah was season … 6? Winner of the ultimate fighter, he has been put on several cards since winning the reality show last year, however he keeps getting injured.  This is Sadollah’s first fight since winning.  To tell you the truth I don’t know much about Hendricks, he seems to be a solid fighter with a lot of good potential, part of me believes they are giving Sadollah a fairly easy warm up fight, but a also think this could be a trap fight for him.  As much as I want to see Sadollah win, because he is a likeable guy…

Winner: Johnny Hendricks via 3rd round TKO

-Ricardo Almeida (10-3) vs. Kendall Grove (12-5)

An interesting fight here as the 2nd fight of the night. Both Almeida and Grove are semi well known fighters who have a lot to lose, and a lot to gain in this fight.  Grove is coming off a very impressive win in his last fight. Grove a Hawaiian trained fighter seems to be hitting a good stride in his career.  Almeida was basically a heartbeat away from a title shot when he fought Thales Lietes last year. Personally I don’t think either of these guys will do much damage in the Middle Weight division, however both are solid strikers with a well rounded ground game.  Grove I believe will come in as a the bigger fighter thus I think giving him the advantage, however his chin is questionable.  I’m thinking this fight won’t take long to reach it’s outcome.

Winner: Ricardo Almeida vis 1st round KO

-Kurt Pellegrino (13-4) vs. Josh Neer (25-7-1)

Again, this fight is against 2 fighters fighting to a spot in the crowded lightweight division.  Pellegrino who’s a solid striker hasn’t faired well getting the match-ups needed to move forward, till now. Josh Neer is a great fighter with lots of skill and experience, however he is not a title fighter.  Neer is a great gate keeper for the UFC’s lightweight division.  I think this is a great fight to test Pellegrino’s desire and skill to become a champion.  For me this fight is as much a coin toss as anything, you have to guys with a similar style,  yet each very different in their approaches to fights.  I think this fight will be a bit of a snooze fest to start the night off, expect a chess match of sorts…

Winner: Josh Neer via split decision

Fedor Emelianenko is the best heavyweight fighter in the world right now, period.  People can argue all they want hes pretty much the man.  Brock Lesnar is the freak of nature too big for regulation UFC gloves and most amusement park rides, and to see them fight would have been pretty cool.  Although Brock would have just tackled him and then laid on top of him it would have been cool to see if Fedor could land a monster shot and put the beast on his back.  Alas we all may not get the chance to see this.

This Strikeforce deal is not all bad, there are still good fighters in Strikeforce but no real big names to get some crazy buzz.  I just don’t get how the deal couldn’t be made for Fedor with the money to let the guy fuckin retire on.  But hey im not Russian and undefeated for 6+ years in prize fighting.  Strikeforce will be on Showtime so no PPV’s to buy like UFC, which is sweet and I’m sure other heavyweights will sign with Strikeforce soon.  Basically im trying to be optimistic alright!?

With this deal getting signed for Fedor he will be fighting SOON.  It may be against someone like Brett Rogers whom the casual fight watcher doesn’t even know but it would still be a good fight.  This deal is bittersweet for me, on one end Ive got UFC with a little competition and that always makes for better fights and the rivalry will drive more interest.  Fedor will also fight soon, and not every 9 months.  We may not get to see Brock vs. Fedor but UFC will still use their magical marketing to make things interesting.  All in all im not that upset about the deal, because I like that UFC has competition, it makes better viewing for everyone.  No monopoly on fighters is important and hopefully Strikeforce wont die in a month like Affliction or fizzle out like Pride.  WE SHALL SEE.

For any folks out there with the gambling itch like myself, I would like to provide you with this bit of information.  DO NOT PLAY ON FULL TILT POKER.  FUCK FULL TILT POKER IN THE ASS.

Now that my basic opinion has been put forth I shall provide you with my beef.

Obviously online gambling is legally hazey, and unsure.  But if that doesnt stop you from playing poker online at Full Tilt then the fucked up customer service and lack of care should.

Im not going to bore the fuck out of you with specifics I will just say an issue came up so they “suspended” my account until I could verify my identity.  I was already pissed at this point because Ive been playing for years, received withdraws and given them business.  So I emailed them essentially asking “what the fuck?” Then they take 24 fucking hours to reply, and DO NOT HAVE A PHONE LINE FOR SUPPORT.  So I wait 24 pokerless gambling free hours which is torture like strapping a car battery to my testicles.

So I finally get an email back, asking for a copy of my ID and utility bill.  At first I want to punch a hole through Full Tilt pokers stupid fucking face, but then like a tool I provided a copy of my ID and utility bill.  Then wait ANOTHER 24 hours.  I get another email thanking me for verifying my ID, and say they cant take my utility bill because its over 60 days old (73 days old).  I literally had a fucking brain aneurysm and punched a baby girl in the face.  Ok, maybe not a baby… but definitely a girl.  So I find another fucking utility bill…. Email it over… wait another 24 hours for a response…

Now we reach my current status with this stupid fucking website…  I receive an email stating:

“Thank you for contacting Full Tilt Poker Support.

We’re pleased to inform you that we’ve verified your address document for your account $%^#.

We apologize, but we’re unable to reopen your account until all accounts associated with yours have submitted acceptable identification.  Thank you for your cooperation, and if you have any questions, please let us know.”

Ive never seen my face turn purple with rage filled hate… but this stupid ass “cut and paste” customer service jerk-me-off email has put me to this point of hatred.  YOU FUCKIN’ WITH MY MONEY SON!!  Somebody likely to get dealt wit’..

I just want to play poker.. I verified my information, twice..  Ive waited 24 hours between correspondance.. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

MOTHER FUCKING COCKSUCKER FACES!! FUCK!!

Be sure to check out pokerstars.com.

So in my travels through the internet, working in electronics stores, and socializing with nerds I have become well accustomed to those who play World of Warcraft.  Ive seen every stage of player… from the newer ones, asking questions and still physically socializing, to the pale outcasted internet-acronym quoting weirdos.  Ive seen em all, and they can get pretty fuckin creepy… And theres over 11 million of them playing the game.

So with my perspective being on the outside looking in, Ive got an interesting perspective that I am going to share. I personally tried playing for about a week during a summer break several years ago.  Yet after being called a “noob”, a “fuckface” and a “doucher” I knew that the game had many hate filled people.  Many die hard nerd friends told me they would help me, I should keep playing, and “you’ll have so much fun”.  It was like a drug dealer trying to talk me into crystal meth.  Sure it might make you happy, fuck like a jack-rabbit and stay awake for 3 days… but it also melts part of your brain, makes you delusional, gives you diarrhea, rots your teeth, makes you psychotic, and creates sexual climax problems.  Basically Im saying WoW is like crystal meth in addiction and side effects.

Don’t believe me!?  Well, go fuck yourself first of all.  Second just look it up.  Google it, research it.  There have been government sanctioned tests on the effects of WoW.  Sweden’s Youth Care Foundation have called it ‘the most dangerous game on the market’.  The author of the report, Sven Rollenhagen said  ‘It is the crack cocaine of the computer game world. Some will play it till they drop.’  The reason the Swed’s made the report is because a 15 year old kid actually collapsed and went into a fit of seizures after playing the game 24 hours non stop.  Doctors said he spazzed out because of sleep deprivation, lack of food, and too long a stretch of concentrated game playing.  Dear god man… and now a psychiatrist from London, Dr. Richard Graham, is saying he wants to start an entire movement getting mental health doctors to create characters in the game and to treat patients while they enjoy their addiction.  Why do this, you ask?  Apparently the doc thinks this is a whole new kind of addiction that cant be cured by traditional means.  I say fuck it.  If they want to play WoW all day, go for it.  They may develop into creepy stalkers/weirdos but this addiction wont cause them to do some drive-bys, suck dick for coke, or rob homes and liquor stores for “drug money”.  They’ll just live in their parents basement rotting away in virtual land not bothering me.  SWEET.

But then again, some of my friends suffer from the addiction and its tough to watch.  Early on in their development of addiction they can look pretty normal, probably not too pretty, but normal.  Slowly they begin to become pale, sneak in internet acronyms in their regular speech.  I.e. instead of saying “the joke was funny so we laughed”.. they will say “it was uber cool and there were ‘lol’s”.  Its painful to watch.  Eventually they start changing their availability at work to allow time 3 nights a week to lead “Raids” and wont go to parties because there right in the middle of a quest.  Its brought a tear to my eye.

Due to this affecting such a large amount of people, I feel that I needed to address this debilitating disease.  Im not proposing a “cure” or about to explain how to stop the power of the WoW… All I can do is bring it to light, and hope that you can save some one from the power of WoW.

Alright you stupid idiots. I’ve never known such a worthless bunch of MMA fans in my entire life… lucky for you I’m about to impart some knowledge on you. For the better. So get ready to bet some money and have some cash in your pocket, here we GO!!

Champ Brock Lesnar (3-1) vs. interim champ Frank Mir (12-3) (heavyweight title unification)

Brock “country boy” Lesnar is a monster.  He is coming into this fight on a 2 fight win streak, normally that would not be impressive, HOWEVER, he has only has 4 fights, so basically, he’s hitting his stride.  For a main event, this is kind of a sad match, Lesnar is strong, & fast, for a guy that comes into this fight at 265 lbs. he is basically the flash.  His strength is his strength, funny huh!?  Lesnar is a freak show fighter of sorts, he beat the legend Randy Couture, for the Heavy Weight Title, however many people thought Randy was WAY outsized in that fight.  Mir is coming off an ass beating of Antonio Nogueria. Mir killed Nogueria in all aspects of the game. Nog (Nogueria) has been widely considered the top 2, or 3 heavy weights in the WORLD, so basically Mir beating him is a great accomplishment. Mir is a former champion who got into a bad motorcycle accident and had to give up his title for a year while he went to rehab. Mir came back slow after his accident, but came on VERY strong in his last few fights. Frank Mir fought Brock Lesnar back in the beginning of 2008, and beat him. Many people think Mir is an up and coming legend in this sport, either way Lesnar is in for a fight. This is a tough fight to call on paper, but if you look at the facts/skills of each fighter, I think you can pick a winner, this is probably the biggest match in UFC history (with the exception of the next fight*).  Mir’s biggest problem before his accident was his cardio, if he can correct it, he WILL win. However, I don’t think this will be his night; Lesnar will win by overpowering him.

Winner: Brock Lesnar via 2^nd round TKO

Champ Georges St. Pierre(12-2) vs. Thiago Alves(16-3) (for welterweight title)

GSP Vs Thiago Alves has the possibility to be the fight of the year. GSP has been called the #1 pound for pound fighter in mixed martial arts. I agree with that classification. He has beaten some of the best Welter Weight fighters in the world.  GSP is a god amongst men; He has the best “game planner” in MMA in Greg Jackson.  GSP, as far as I’m concerned is the best fighter in MMA. Alves is a heavy handed puncher who A LOT of people think can KO GSP, 11 of his 16 wins are by KO.  Alves is a great fighter, who has also beaten a lot of great fighters. If this fight was on any other card it would be the headline hands down.  These 2 fighters are both amazing, GSP has lost twice, once to Matt Hughes, and once to Matt Serra, if you do the MMA math he won’t lose because Thiago Alves name isn’t “Matt” Alves.  Alves has a chance to win this fight if he can catch GSP with a good combo or some of his deadly kicks/knees. As I said before, I think this fight will go down as fight of the year, a not to miss match.

Winner: Georges St. Pierre via 4^th round TKO

Jon Fitch (18-3) vs. Paulo Thiago (11-0)

This is an exciting fight but one that you can probably skip if shown.  Jon Fitch is the 2^nd best welter weight fighter in the UFC today.  Thiago was a great fighter in other organizations, came to the UFC and beat Josh Koshcheck in his first fight.  Even by beating the 5^th best welterweight, Paulo Thiago still doesn’t have what it takes to be Jon Fitch.  Don’t let his record fool you coming into this fight, Paulo will not submit Jon Fitch. Jon Fitch has beaten much better submission experts than Paulo. This fight is probably as close as it comes to the lock of the night; HOWEVER, I’m saving that for a later fight.

Winner: Jon Fitch via unanimous decision

Michael Bisping (17-1) vs. Dan Henderson (24-7)

Alright all you “The Ultimate Fighter” fans, this is the match you’ve all been waiting for. Bisping and Henderson were last seasons 2 coaches on TUF, they are both coming into this fight with a title shot against Anderson Silva on there minds.  The president of the UFC has all but promise the winner of this fight a title shot against Silva.  Bisping is a tough fighter who will try his best to outlast you in a fight, Most of his wins are by KO/TKO, but he’s been known to pepper with jabs and hooks till he can knock you out.  His only loss coming at a Light Heavy Weight, and to former champ Rashad Evans. Bisping has not lost as a middle weight in his career.  As much shit as Bisping gets he’s a solid fighter, a bit boring, but good none the less, I think coming into this fight his biggest challenge will be his time off.  Bisping hasn’t punched someone in almost a year; I think that will come into play. Dan Henderson is the former Light Heavy Weight Champ, and Middle Weight champ. He comes into this fight as the veteran.  Henderson has beaten the likes of Wanderlie Silva, Vitor Belfort, Ninja Rua, Renzo Gracie, Babalu, & Nogueria. Henderson is a pioneer of this sport; he’s been fighting MMA for about 12 years and is turning 40 years old next month.  Henderson is also an old school wrestling fighter, most of his 24 wins are by decision, in fact Dan Henderson hasn’t finished a fight EVER in the UFC, his last KO or submission win was in 2007.  Even with that being said Henderson is still a legend.  Bisping is coming in as the larger fighter, but Henderson can easily neutralize that advantage by taking it to the ground. Personally I think this fight will be kind of boring.

Winner: Dan Henderson via split decision

Yoshihiro Akiyama (12-1) vs. Alan Belcher (14-5)

Holy shit! This is the fight I’ve been looking forward to since I knew this man was coming to the UFC. Akiyama, or as his fans like to call him “SexyYama” is fighting in the UFC for the first time.  This man is a super star over seas, think Chuck Liddell, but Asian.  This man is an amazing; he’s beaten a lot of great overseas fighters.  He’s pretty even when it comes to his skills, he can knock you out, or submit you. His weakness in this fight will be ring rust. SexyYama hasn’t fought since September of 2008.  Alan Belcher is pitter in this fight to play spoiler yet again. Belcher played spoiler back in January when he beat then overseas start Denis Kang.  Belcher certainly can win this fight if he comes in and sticks to a good game plan.  However, I think he got lucky in the Kang fight, and I think Aikyama knocks belcher clean out, this is your lock of the night. That all being said, I’m making a future prediction right here, Yoshihiro Akiyama will be the man to beat Anderson Silva in the UFC.

Winner: Yoshihiro “SexyYama” Akiyama via 1^st round KO

Wanna make some bets!?!?   Then click my banner here and deposit some gambling money!

No one is too cool for a triple high five

The Best Drunk Food

As a man who enjoys the game of drink, I have had many nights stumbling through the kitchen in a daze drooling for something edible and delicious.  From raw pasta sticks to frozen pizza, Ive chewed on just about everything because I was so drunk I didnt know what to do. Sometimes I still had my wits about me enough to eat something in order to dim down the hangover coming the next morning.

This re-occurring dilemma has gotten me to compile some of the absolute best edible entrees in the categories of deliciousness, speed, hangover curability, AND price.  Because any self respecting alcoholic spends 99% of the bankroll on the booze, so being frugal in drunk food purchases is essential.

It has taken many years to weed out the shitty foods, or the foods that just trick you or are too pricey.  So Ill make mention of those to help you stay away.

So heres my list of the BEST drunk foods with variable measurements from 1-10:

DiGiornio Garlic Bread pizza

If you havent tried this frozen pizza, your missing out.  This pizza is fucking delicious, even outside of drunk munchies. But with the greasiness, large size, and large amount of bread, it all helps to almost completely wipe out any ensuing hangover.  The price is low for an entire pizza at 5-8 bucks. The only real downside here is the speed. If your too slaughtered you could pass out waiting 28 minutes for it to cook, with the oven on 425 degrees.  House burning down = ALL BAD.
Deliciousness: 9
Speed: 1
Hangover curability: 9
Price: 7

Del taco macho combo burrito

For the folks out there still going to Taco Bell… your retarded.  Del Taco owns your face and has a lot more food than just this macho burrito, but for drunk munchies the macho burrito is the best.  Big, loaded with food, and fuckin delicious.  Combo is about $8, and its fast food so definitely good speed.
Deliciousness: 8
Speed: 9
Hangover curability: 6
Price: 6

Blended fruit smoothie

This is a little different than some greasy ass pile of food, obviously in taste but it wont totally fill you up.  Dont think your going to be hitting jamba juice or some nice spot at 3 in the morning, im talking about the donut shop smoothy so there will be a shitload of sugar and hopefully at least 5% fruit juice.
Deliciousness: 6
Speed: 5
Hangover curability: 8
Price: 8

Tri tip sandwich

This piece of heaven might take a little long but when you take that first bite of medium rare, juicy, season covered tri tip… its all worth it.  A real man will cover that bad boy in some grilled onions and bellpeppers, possibly some sautee’d mushrooms and BAM! Cream your pants from the delcious onslaught of deliciousness.
Deliciousness: 10
Speed: 2
Hangover curability: 8
Price: 6

Carne’ Asada Fries

Not much compares to the awesome power of a hole in the wall mexican food spot with carne asada fries.  For those unaccustomed to the carne fries.. this is how it works.  You fry up some steaming fresh french fries, then immediatly cover them with refried beans, carne asada, frsh salsa, guacamole, sour cream, and all the cheese you want.  Its enough to bring a man to sexual satisfaction.

Deliciousness: 10
Speed: 8
Hangover curability: 8
Price: 8

Monster Polish Dog

Now you have to understand… any ol’ polish dog wont do it.  You need to get everything just right.  You need fresh soft bread of the best kind, steamed or toasted.  Then once youve got some high quality dogs, you can either boil em’ or BBQ em’.  Then the toppings can range from just a smidge of ketchup to a fully loaded beast with ketchup, mustard, onions, tomatoes, sauerkraut, bell peppers, relish, and hell some people might throw chili and cheese on top of that.
Deliciousness: 10
Speed: 6
Hangover curability: 9
Price: 8

Biggest mistakes in drunk food

Tommy burger with chili fries

I made this mistake twice in my life… but never again.  Sure when your starving a chili burger with chili fries would fill you up, but when your body has already been dragged through the gauntlet of booze and heavy drinking, this would be the last thing it needs.  Imagine beer shits on steroids my friend.  Pooping so hard you cry yourself to sleep on the toilet and wake up 2 hours later with your legs numb.  NOT GOOD.

Sushi

No matter where you go, this is a bad decision… even worse for patrons of 7-11.  Ive seen many men fall from the sushi.  If you are plastered do yourself a favor and steer clear of the sushi, it will do nothing but destroy you and probably make you barf.  Just say no to the “Rainbow Roll”.

A tall glass of milk

When your moments from passing out and theres no time to spare and you reach in the fridge for one last non-alcoholic drink.. be sure its not that gallon of milk.  Nothing will make you spew quicker than a few chugs of milk when your slaughtered.  Ive seen folks do it, survive long enough to pass out and then wake up in the middle of the night to regurgitate everything they’ve eaten for 2 days.  Not pretty.