New Home for Thirty Seconds

I wrote this in a notebook at the end of May as I sat with Laura in the infusion room.  I’ve been noticing how fear influences so much of what we do.  I believe that observation…while not revolutionary…will be a common theme from here on out.  I guess I’m publishing it now for 2 reasons: First…the original post for tonight completely sucks.  Second…the idea that fear runs so much of our lives is becoming more and more apparent to me…and I thought I would share a somewhat dramatic example.  Here it is…an unedited presentation of thoughts that came out that day. (I may change my mind and take this one down.  So…read it quickly.)

As I sit here and watch my wife get her infusion I can’t help but look around at the different ways other cancer patients behave here in this room.  Some are reading…some are doing crafts…some are doing nothing.  One woman in particular has my full attention.  She has a small note card sized ring binder with prayers written in it.  Hundreds of them…and she is reciting them as she gets her meds.  I can hear them.  She is scared.

This seems like a common reaction…to turn to god…to pray…for what I can’t say in her case.  If I look at my own experience in this area I will guess that she is praying for healing…maybe comfort…maybe a miracle.  Hell…she could be praying that she wins the lottery.  I really don’t know…but it doesn’t change the point of this observation.

Few of us can imagine anything worse than getting cancer and withering away as we receive this treatment or that…this drug AND that…the whole time living with the unthinkable…we might die from this.  And so we pray.  We pray in an infusion chair…and don’t see the billowing white clouds drifting by in the bright early spring sun.  We wait for these (spring) days…and they arrive…but we don’t see it because we are praying…or begging…or wishing things were different than they are.  I’m not sure how much difference there really is between the three.

The chairs are comfortable…but we don’t feel them.  The room is actually very clean…the nurses friendly…the coffee is free.  Our friends are doing friend things…and they are here…and we still know them.  She walked into the room under her own power.  That is good.  She is getting treatment.  That is good.  Someone who loves her just gave her a call on her cell phone.  That is good too.  But she is scared.  She is scared…and so she prays for something…and misses all that is happening to her that can be considered good.  (I don’t blame her.  I’m just trying to learn something here.)

I am becoming a judgmental SOB…and I know that I won’t even publish this…so WTF.  It’s just an observation.  She…like the past me…is praying her ass off because she is scared out of her ever-loving wits of an unsuccessful end game.  (But it’s only considered unsuccessful because it doesn’t match our game plan.  This isn’t the movies, folks.  People die.)  The point is…as she is praying  her ass off she is miserable.  This prayer is a “Please let me get my life back,” type.  It’s desperate and pleading and begging.  (I wonder if god is saying, “Wait…if your life was so great before why did you bitch about it so much?  Jesus Christ get the f*ck over yourself!”)  I don’t  think it’s possible to plead and beg and be at peace at the same time.

I can tell what she’s praying about.  They say 85% of communication is non-verbal.  That woman is scared out of her wits.  How awful to spend what’s left of our :30 seconds in fear.  I guess the only thing to fear really is fear itself.

More on this later…

I sat in their little library one night and pulled a book off the shelf called, “Make Your Life Worthwhile,” by some guy named Emmet Fox.  From what I remember it was written in the 1940’s…I know there was a war going on because some of his entries were about the “present” situation in Germany.

I couldn’t put it down…and I read it over and over again.  It was a series of short entries with religious underpinnings.  While my religious convictions have changed…the simple…straightforward lessons are with me even today.  It’s funny because one of them popped in my head just now…I think it’s worth passing on.

The End of the World

He tells a story about St. Francis of Assisi and his reaction to the hysteria that pervaded his circle of influence.  Apparently the world was coming to an end…or so they thought…and countless people were coming to him asking him what they should do.  No doubt they expected him to say things like, “Pray more,” or, “Renounce your sins,” or “Ask for foregiveness”…you know…the stuff you would expect a holy man to say.

What he said was so incredible…and wise…and just plain awesome.  He told them quite simply to “keep sweeping your front step.”

I’m Sweeping My Front Steps

What he was saying is the future is unknown…so don’t spend today worrying about it…just do what you do and leave it in the hands of God. (The universe.)

I think if he lived now…and was a friend of mine…and saw how wrecked I get sometimes he would look at me and say, “Jeez, Andy.  WTF are you getting so worked up about?  Go sweep your damn front steps because you have control over that…and you know…it needs to be done.”

That’s what I’m trying to do more than ever these days…sweep my front steps.  It looks like I’m working…or endlessly transporting the kids…or cooking dinner…or writing blog posts…or giving talks and learning Twitter.  Those are my steps.  And while they aren’t as clean as some might think they should be…it’s not all that easy to sweep when you’re sad.  But I’m trying.  I’m so glad I picked up that book in that creepy, vacant house.

Is there much more to living than this?  Let me know if  you want “in” and I’ll get back to you.  (This isn’t a profit deal BTW.)

Lesson: There are messages all around us.  Sometimes they’re right under our feet

No matter what I’ve done up to this point in my life…the good, the bad, or the ugly…I am going to live my life as if I’m dying. (Yes…I know it’s a song.) 

Not the most novel of lessons I suppose…but it was a thought none-the-less and I wanted to get it down in writing before it evaporated.   (I know you’ve had the same kinds of thoughts.  They’re the ones that leave you energized for a few minutes…make you feel like you can conquer anything…and then POOF…they’re gone…replaced by so-called reality.  Excuse the poor writing of this post…I just didn’t want that to happen this time.)

Not what you think…

I’ve mentioned this before…that siezing this day…or carpe diem…is different for me.  It’s not about jumping out of a plane…or riding a bull…or traveling Route 66 on a Harley to get the most out of life.  (Though the Route 66 deal wouldn’t suck…)

For me it’s less glamorous, but I have no doubt it’s more lasting.  I am going to seize the day by recognizing damaging emotions like anger, jealousy, fear, and envy…and basically saying “screw you!”  when I feel them. 

I see what these emotions do to us…and have done to me…and I just don’t want them to rule my life anymore.  The trick is recognizing them when they arrive.  I think I’m ready for that now.  Thank you for your time.  (House lights fade…drop the curtain…and out.)

Lesson: Seizing the day doesn’t have to be temporary bravado  masked as “going for it.”   It could be about dropping the self-inflicted drama that steals our thirty seconds as we wait for more exciting things to happen. 

Examples: If I’m not pissed because I’m at work on a beautiful day (anger)  do I not free myself to enjoy that time? 

What if I pay no attention to past hurts that spring up in my mind (it isn’t happening NOW, is it?)…won’t I be that much closer to Carpe-ing this Diem? (That’s a total Andy-ism…)

What emotions do you think you could give up today so you are better able to seize it…and actually LIVE it?

A SHORT LOVE STORY IN STOP MOTION from Carlos Lascano on Vimeo.

This is crazy pretty…took a lot of work…and captures the brevity of life for me.  (Thanks to my new buddy Josh for this!)  This will be today’s little reminder of that.  Don’t waste this day!

I have more than a few people ask me what Thirty Seconds is about.  I used to explain it quickly by saying, “I feel like when we look back over our lives all those weeks, months and years will seem like they went by in about :30 seconds.”

  OK…great…big deal.  We all know that life goes by in the blink of an eye…nice work, Andy.  Friggin’ genius you are…

But there is more to it than that…and I hope after reading this you will make it a part of your life.

The Long and Short of it…

Unlike “a blink of an eye,” :30 seconds seems more quantifiable to me.  It’s a very short time…but not like a blink…which is nothing.  

Our lives are a paradox when it comes to time.  We endure l-o-n-g days…endless meetings…countless sorrows…unending happiness…and even bottomless cups of coffee.  Yet these stretches of time all add up to just a few short years when it’s all said and done.  Long AND short…happening at the same time. 

Tool Time…

My intent when I started Thirty Seconds was to invent a “walking around” tool that anyone can use to make more conscious decisions…both big and small.  I guess it’s my take on Carpe Diem.  Maybe a little more modern…maybe a little more depressing (though it absolutely doesn’t need to be)…but an effective reminder that life is short.  (I know…I didn’t write that either…)

The bottom line: The more I come to understand that I have power over the direction of my life…the more anxious I am to live it with the least amount of regret possible.  I have :30 seconds…I sure as hell don’t intend to waste it.

Putting it to good use…

For me a full life has nothing to do with bungee jumping…or running with the bulls…or scaling Mount Everest.  Right now it’s about suffering with my sense of humor intact…as I create from this set of circumstances…and live in the moment…not for as long as I can…but as long as I am here.  Those are 2 different things.

Lesson:You clearly have your own definition of a life well-lived…and that’s the beauty of it.  Thirty Seconds is transferable to any life…and any situation.  It’s about understanding and remembering that this moment…now… is part of your :30 seconds.  My suggestion?  Don’t waste it.

I had the most incredible conversation with my wife this morning.  (As many of you know she has terminal breast cancer.)  Unlike me…she doesn’t talk all that much…but she says a helluva’ lot when she does.

“I’ve been watching commercials on TV and they’re starting to get to me,” she said.

I tried to figure out which ones.  The over-the-top yelling ones…the overtly sexual ones…the incredibly lengthy pharmaceutical ones that list all the awful side effects as the woman on screen flashes her sh*t eating grin?  There are so many. 

“Which ones?” I asked.

“The ones for Rogaine…and Botox…and whiter teeth.  Stuff to make you look younger.”  She started to tear up a little and continued, “If it was me…I would grow old gracefully.”

“I suppose we’re all enamored with youth,” I said.

“But growing old is such a GIFT,” she replied.  “What a wonderful thing…to grow old.”

Lesson:  We’re so afraid of getting “old.”  I think we should welcome it.