Think Simple Now

How to Set Goals – To Create the Best Year

Tina Su — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:57:52 +0000

Editor’s Note: We’re giving away a $265 stunning energy necklace at the end of this post. Remember to leave a comment to enter. Don’t miss it. :)

By Tina Su

For New Year’s Eve 2011, Jeremy and I sat down and made our goals for the year. We made sure the goals were measurable, challenging, and lead us in the direction we wanted to go. After all, the experts say to set SMART goals. As diligent students, we complied.

Well, I accidentally opened up this document last week, for the first time since we created it (more than a year ago). I had completely forgotten about it. Reading through every line of the document, I felt a surge of guilt and disappointment.

You know that feeling in your stomach, almost ashamed that nothing on the list—of supposedly important items—were achieved. I didn’t end the year with 30K facebook fans, I didn’t do yoga everyday (In fact, not even once for the whole year), I didn’t become an early riser, and my living & working space is still messy.

In the same document, I looked up my husband’s list and email his weight training goals asking where he is compared to those targets. He replied with, “I was stronger when I set those goals than I am now.” I sensed disappointment in his words and instantly regretted sending him such a gloomy reminder.

And then I was thinking, isn’t this what we do to ourselves every year? We either set no goals or too many goals. If we fail to set goals, we’ll torture ourselves for feeling like a failure, because we have no goals. And if we do set goals, we’ll torture ourselves for feeling like a failure for not accomplishing the goals.

Year after year, we set long list of goals (if we actually set them) with arbitrary quantities to mark as targets. Then feeling disappointed when we review these goals some time down the road. We create the suffering. We bring it on to ourselves.

Let’s find a new way of setting goals and creating New Year resolutions that will actually make us feel good, and will actually help us.

Problem with Goals & Resolutions

Before diving into a better solution, let’s review some inherit problem with setting a bucket list of goals and why New Year resolutions doesn’t work.

1. Lack of Focus

Too many goals make it impossible to focus on any one.

The more diffused our awareness become the harder it is to focus. Without focus, we cannot achieve or produce or create anything.

Having too many things to focus on leaves us feeling overwhelmed and uncertain as to where we shall begin. Our brain, which naturally seeks the path of least resistance, will want to shut down, and will unconsciously start to avoid the goals all together.

For example, my goals for TSN last year (one of many categories) was the following list of random targets:

1,000,000 monthly pageviews
30,000 facebook fans
30,000 rss subscribers
Community features

I had completely forgotten about this list and thus failed to focus on any one item. My brain had gone into shutdown mode. There are simply too many things to focus on.

2. It’s Easy to Focus on Failure

We tend to focus on what we didn’t do than what we did do. When reviewing our goals, our eyes and hearts will gravitate towards all the things we didn’t do, and then we feel bad.

This is the problem with a list of any kind–even to-do lists. It’s far too easy to undervalue and thus fail to celebrate our achievements, because it’s just one item out of a long list of uncrossed, unachieved goals. When we review our goals and achievements in list form, it creates the illusion that we have failed, when in reality, we achieved all that we needed to do.

In my personal example, 2011 was one of the most transformative years of my life. I overcame my limited beliefs about money and had freed myself of the painful belief (from childhood) that “I didn’t deserve good things.” which significantly limited my ability to receive. My relationship with Jeremy became closer, as we had envisioned from our couple’s goal.

TSN‘s traffic have more than doubled compared to a year ago, and continues to grow. Additionally, we added more websites into our “Simple Life” network, and collectively exceeded over 6 million impressions each month. Almost overnight, our hobby sites became a business.

That’s a lot of blessing that deserves celebrating. But somehow, when reviewing my bucket list of goals from last New Year, I had forgotten about all the good that’s happened. Now I realized, I’m not such a failure. I’ve actually won. I’ve done all that I needed to do, and everything is as they should be. Everything is perfect just as it is.

3. We Experience Guilt

Since it’s so easy for us to notice and thus focus on what we’ve failed to achieve, we experience guilt, regret, and even shame. We forget that, after all, our list of goals is just an arbitrary list of “shoulds”.

No amount of guilt or disappointment will change the past. It becomes wasted energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

Big lists and many goals can make us feel bad, unnecessarily.

4. Failure to Review

Unless we review the goals regularly, we won’t make any progress. This is because our short term memory is limited to just a few bits of information.

We can keep track of one goal continuously. We cannot, however, keep track of 10 goals without reviewing it regularly. Our short term memory simply doesn’t have that kind of capacity.

I read somewhere that our short term memory can hold 5 (+/-) 2 pieces of information at a time. That means between 3 to 7 pieces of data (by the way, this is why phone numbers are 7 digits long broken up into 3 to 4 digit chunks).

5. Lack of Meaning

Sometimes, we set goals for the sake of setting goals. “It’s time to set goals!” we tell ourselves, and ends up doing a brain-dump of everything we’ve ever wanted. This usually includes an exhaustive list of things we think we should be doing, and things we think will make us happy.

And then we learn from productivity experts that we should set goals that are measurable (I know, I’ve been guilty of this), so we randomly invent a number and attach it as our target. As trivial as this may seem, this little number has the power to make us feel bad when we haven’t reached it at year’s end.

But the number is meaningless. It’s unimportant to us.

What we want is not the number, but rather to feel successful, attractive, happy, and fulfilled. And we think that if we reached this arbitrary target, then we will experience those positive emotions.

As time goes by, we start to forget why we set the goals to begin with. We forget why they were important. They become just another item written down on a list (that we don’t look at again).

When we forget why, it’s hard to feel motivated and inspired to take action on them. When we have many goals (ie. more than one goal), it’s easy to forget why.

A New Approach to Goals

Photo by Cari Wayman

Instead of setting a list of goals at the start of each year, I want to promote a new tradition: Setting a one-word theme for the year. I got this idea from Mari Smith. And it’s a powerful one.

You can remember one word throughout the year. It’s easy to think about and focus on just one theme. It’s also a lot easier to take action and make progress towards this one theme. Having one theme also makes it possible to set realistic follow up goals and milestones.

It’s like having a guiding light beaming in one direction (instead of several directions). All you have to do is to follow that light.

My one word theme for 2012 is Balance.

What this means to me is a general sense of personal wellness, fulfillment, and balance between work & life. It’s a feeling that cannot be objectively measured. I’ll know whether I feel balanced or not. Right now, I feel balanced (because I’ve been writing to you and all the while embodying and integrating the intention of “Balance” today).

Focusing on one word, which I have a positive association with, is so much easier and rewarding than focusing on something arbitrary like “Get 30,000 Facebook fans“. And because there is only one word, there is no struggle to recall what it is.

I think about it often, and carry the essence of it with me as I enter into each day. The result? No matter how rough or how ordinary the day is, I end the day (on most days) feeling good knowing that I had integrated the most important quality that I need into my day: Balance.

Whenever I feel like setting goals for the day, I just ask myself “What can I accomplish today that will help me feel balanced?” The answer may be tackling particular to-do items, or taking the afternoon off to play with my son, or de-cluttering the kitchen counter. I’ll do them, and will feel a great sense of inner fulfillment and wellness.

Having one theme allows me to laser focus on the one thing I need the most.

Last year, my theme was Abundance. And I entered each day with similar intentions. Suffice it to say, last year was complete magic filled with abundance in its various dances.

I also love the one word theme concept because a single word can be interpreted in several ways, thus I can always find a way to integrate the word into my day, without the heavy feeling of disappointment for not hitting a random goal.

For example, when I take care of my body–getting rest, drinking lots of water, eating well and exercising–I am living in accordance with my goal of “Balance”, because those acts promote personal wellness. As such, I feel happy from the act of taking care of my body.

On the other hand: If I had a traditional goal of say “losing 10 pounds in 30 days”, the experience will be different, because my happiness will be tied directly to the digits on a scale. Even though I exercised and ate well, I won’t feel satisfaction until a certain amount of weight loss is reflected from a scale. The former (one-word theme) approach is much more peaceful, gentle, encouraging and reinforcing.

How to Find Your Theme

Enough about me. Let’s work together to find a one-word theme for you. Okay?

When you ask yourself, “What do I want this year to be about?” you may instantly and intuitively feel an answer pop out. If not, try answer the following questions on a piece of paper (instead of just thinking about it) and see what words emerge for you:

What does your ideal life look like? What do you want? What do you want to be doing? How do you want to feel?
Complete the sentence: I want ____.
What one change can you make that will significantly improve the quality of your life experience?
If you had to pick just one thing? What do you want the most?
Does the word feel good? There are no wrong answers. What you pick is personal and meaningful to you. If it feels good, go with it.

Got it?

Don’t continue until you have your word. I’ll wait.

Using Your Theme

Once you have your one-word theme, here are some thoughts on integrating and using the word into your life.

1. Expand on the Word

One word can have many meaning. Clarify what your word means to you.

I mentioned earlier that the word Balance means (to me): a general sense of personal wellness, fulfillment and balance between work & place.

Ask yourself the following question:

What does this mean to me?

Additionally, you can dive deeper into what this picture looks like for you, by answering the following question:

What does “a life of [insert word]” look like?

When answering, write down each block of thought in bullet points, without editing. Keep writing until you have nothing else to say.

For example: for me, a life of “balance” looks like:

Consistent work schedule and productivity, from which I drawn in a sense of fulfillment.
Separation between work and home.
Being fully present with my family when I am home. Do not check work email.
Time for myself to reflect, read, write.
Taking care of my body and health.
Living and working in a clean, organized and uncluttered space.
Rising with the sun. Getting a beautiful early start to my day.
Feeling balanced and well on a daily basis.
Taking breaks. Allowing rest and play.

The more clear you can be in describing your picture, the easier it will be to further integrate the word into your experience (because you know what activities you can do to access this experience).

2. Symbolic Reminder

Photo by Karrah Kobus

One trick I started doing last year and found helpful was to get a piece of jewelry that I loved, and using it as a token—a physical representation—that served as a reminder for the word.

Energy Muse had sent me this beautiful necklace last year. When I received it, I named it “Abundance” and whispered a little prayer “You will remind me of possibilities and abunance in this Universe. I thank you in advanced.”

I wore it everyday, and when I touched it or saw it in the reflection of a mirror, it reminded me that I am an abundant person living in a incredible universe filled with goodness, good people, and of infinite possibilities. It made me happy.

Side Note: At the end of this post, Energy Muse is giving away this necklace to one of you reading this ($265 value). Make sure to leave a comment to enter.

Additionally, I found two other sources of “conscious jewelry ” which I also love: Zen by Karen Moore (Our soul sister Cat Li Stevenson swears by the hand made jewelry lovingly made by Karen Moore) and KA Gold Spirtual Jewlery (I loved this piece, and wore it until the chain broke from my son pulling on it).

Alternatively, if you have other jewelery or pieces of token that you already love, you can use them too. The point is to have some physical reminders of your “goal” that you can carry with you, and see regularly.

3. Create Goals From Your Theme

If you completed the above exercise on clarifying what the word means to you, you’ll notice that many of the items you wrote down can be converted into mini goals that contribute towards your one-word theme.

For my personality type, I still like to work with goals on a daily basis. But now I set short-term goals that will support my theme, instead of a list of random goals that I think I should be doing.

To find these mini goals, you can either expand on your word, like the exercise proposed from #1 above, or setting goals based on answering the following question:

“What can I do to integrate [insert your word] into my life?”

Allow whatever answers to show up, and write them down without judging or editing.

Please note that these are just ideas. Nothing is set in stone. You do not have to achieve every one of these ideas in order to feel satisfied. Anyone will do the trick. The point is to create a habit of goal setting based on your theme—what’s most important to you.

4. One Goal at a Time

If you did the above exercise or creating goals based on your theme, you will have a list of goals (once again). You will get overwhelmed if you try to work on all of these at once.

Pick just one sub goal, and focus on just that. Work on this goal everyday for at least 21 days, until it’s become a habit. Once the goal is reached or becomes a habit, you can move on to the next mini goal. You may dabble in other related goals if it feels good to you, but always have one as your highest priority.

For example, I’ve just completed the small goal of “separation between home and life” by moving my office completely outside of our home and not taking work home, and I’m currently working on “rising with the sun” by developing the habits of becoming an early riser. Once I develop the waking up early habit, I will focus on de-cluttering.

5. Be Gentle On Yourself

Through out the year, you will experience days where you feel like you are moving in the opposite direction of where you want to go.

Please remember, and commit to, be gentle on yourself.

Every one of us will encounter and experience such days. It’s completely normal and expected.

When these days occur, just give yourself the permission to have “off” days. It’s okay to feel depressed, sad, off-track and cranky. This, like all days shall pass. Everything will be okay. Tomorrow is a new day.

Before You Go …

I wish you a beautiful, productive and happy year from any starting point. Not just for this year, but for all years to come.

Now, before you go, spend a minute to share with me (in the comment below) what your one-word theme is for this year?

In leaving a comment below, you are being entered into a draw for this beautiful necklace (From EnergyMuse)—I used the same necklace last year to represent “Abundance” (a $265.00 Value). The entry for this divine goodie will close on March 31, 2012 at 8am PST. Please use a valid email address. Your email will only be seen my me (Tina) and you will never receive spam. And yes, you can enter as many times as you like *wink*.

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7 Lessons from a Broken Heart

Kayla Albert — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 23:00:33 +0000

Photo by Rosie Hardy

Editor’s Note: Even though this story contains life lessons from a broken heart (a painful break up), its lessons are applicable to many other life situations. I highly recommend reading this, even if you are not going through a broken heart.

By guest contributor Kayla Albert

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities
brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” ~Charles R. Swindoll

Nine months ago, as I carted my meager belongings into my parents house–a move that was supposed to be temporary–my world came crashing down. It was an apocalypse I was anything but prepared for.

After envisioning a walk down the aisle, my relationship of six years came to a screeching, and quite unexpected, halt. My heart was broken. I lost several freelance jobs I had come to count on, and my already shaky income became non-existent. Worst of all, I endured a blow to my self esteem that left me curled up on the couch unable to do anything more than sleep and sob.

I had known for a few months that things didn’t feel right, it was a quiet rumbling of unease that started off small and seemed to be buzzing in my ear up until the moment the Universe decided it was time for my wake up call. At the time, I would have been far more comfortable with just buckling down and holding on to what I already had.

Clearly, there was a plan I hadn’t yet been privy to.

The recovery process was long—and at times, so irritatingly slow. Friendships that I had fallen back on suddenly dissipated into nothingness, and I received job rejections that shook my fragile sense of self more and more each time. When I thought that I was slowly pulling myself out of the abyss, I fell a little deeper.

But right around the time I began to accept that there was perfection in the imperfection, that I was already surrounded by things I was deeply grateful for, and that all the things I lost weren’t “mine” to begin with, I sensed a lightening of my soul and the situations going on around me.

Now, months later, I embrace a strength in myself that I never had before. Hindsight may be 20/20, but since emerging from the muck, I am now able to see these “impossible situations” as great opportunities.

Here are some things I’ve learned along the way:

1. The end of one relationship makes room for the start of another

While undergoing these drastic life changes, I learned the art of purging—letting go of the people and things that were no longer serving me in a positive way.

Being at my worst allowed me to see the people I had in my life that were only interested in me at my best. Releasing them from my experience allowed new friendships and relationships to emerge.

2. Starting from the bottom opens up a world of possibilities

In some strange way it was liberating to let go of so much at once and get down to the bare bones of who I was and who I wanted to be.

Starting from rock bottom opened up a world of possibilities that might not have been available to me had I kept some things and gotten rid of others. I was suddenly free to re-create myself and my life in a way that my mind had previously not been able to imagine.

3. Everyone is working through their junk

When I was smack dab in the middle of the roughest part of my breakup, I felt completely and utterly alone. I felt as if this experience had isolated me from the rest of the living, breathing world.

Yet, once I started talking about it—sharing my lowest point with people I was close and not so close to—I realized that everyone could relate on some level. People started sharing their own personal heartbreak with me and I began to understand the human condition on a deeper level.

We all have junk. It’s just far easier to air it out then try to hide it.

4. Life will always return to some sort of equilibrium

It was easy for me, in the midst of my crisis, to believe that I would never feel complete or whole again, that the wounds I now had would always be exposed. I know now that life has a way of healing us that we don’t always expect.

The healing process wasn’t linear—there were days when everything seemed ok, good even, then others when the pain made me want to check out for the day. But eventually, things evened out and there were far more hopeful days than disaster days.

I have since created a new normal, one that allows me to leave the past where it belongs—in the past.

5. Releasing expectation leaves less room for disappointment

Part of the reason why I was so shell shocked and devastated by the way things fell apart was because I was deeply entrenched in what I hoped and expected would happen. I had a picture of my future etched in my mind and I wasn’t open to any other outcome.

Along the way I realized that my inability to let go of this picture kept me closed off to other possibilities—even those that would have made me happier than the ones I was hoping for.

I’ve since learned how to let go and allow life to just happen, which has ushered in a deep sense of joy that I haven’t experienced before. And, of course, awe, surprise, and gratitude are far more fulfilling emotions than disappointment has ever been.

6. Having nothing to lose is liberating

While I was holding on tight-fisted to a relationship I didn’t know how to be without, I closed myself off to new experiences with different people. It wasn’t about dating, it was about being free to show up as just myself—without thinking about calling my significant other or leaving early to be with him.

Having nothing to lose made me fearless with the people I met—more open, more willing to connect in different ways. I could show up with an identity that revolved around me and only me. And that was fantastically liberating.

7. Listen lightly to the opinions of others

When I was in the middle of my darkest hour, I found dozens of people who wanted to offer an opinion or advice. And while I recognized this as an act of love and desire to help, taking everyone’s expert advice and boisterous opinions to heart muddled my own judgment.

Part of the reason why all of this happened in the first place was because I had stopped listening to my own intuition and following what my feelings were telling me. In order to reconnect, I had to learn to trust myself again—and listen only lightly to those around me.

Parting Words

Yet, the one piece of advice that will forever serve as my compass came from my mom: “Does that decision make you feel lighter or heavier? If it makes you feel lighter, you know you’ve chosen what’s best for you.”

A year ago I would have said that my deepest fears were exactly what has occurred in the past nine months: being broken up with, losing my work, and letting go of friendships I couldn’t imagine myself without. It has all happened—and I’m still here, living, breathing, and enjoying life in profound ways.

Oddly enough, having each of my fears realized was a relief—one I didn’t know I needed. It has allowed me to live in each moment exactly as it is, without the gnawing fear that some disaster is waiting for me around the corner. After all, I’ve already experienced it.

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About the Author

Kayla Albert is freelance writer intent on living life deliberately. You can follow her at Confessions of a Perfectionist. If there’s a writing project you’d like for her to tackle, visit her website at kaylaalbert.com

The Power of Rituals

Guest of TSN — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 01:21:50 +0000

Photo by Valerio Boncompagni

Editor’s Note: This is a story by guest contributor Jordan Alam

“The more I broaden my interpretation of what can be called a ritual, the more I find them, and find myself creating them in my life.” ~Lisa Weiner

I was sitting with my therapist in the midst of college finals. It was one of our last sessions together before I would return home for the long summer vacation. It stunned me that my sophomore year at college was coming to an end. Where had the time gone?

“I feel like it’s too soon,” I told her, “Like I’ve worked through all these changes, and now it has to come to an end. It’s strange, but I almost don’t want to leave anymore.”

She looked me in the eye. We both knew I had gone through a hard semester, both academically and socially. That year, I met my biological parents for the first time, reconnected with family in a country 14 hours away, and lost myself in working too much and sleeping too little. I had contemplated not returning to school or taking off time the next year. It was surprising to both of us that I might actually be enjoying my time there—right when it was about to end.

That morning, we talked about the accomplishments I had made over the semester: I had found friends to stave off loneliness and rigorous scheduling allowed me to carve out precious hours for myself. I had improved, even when I wasn’t paying attention.

My therapist left me with a great kernel of wisdom that day. She said, “We often need to mark transitions with rituals of closure in our lives. People often sense important moments unconsciously and perform ritualistic actions to close that part of their lives and celebrate the new.”

I still felt like the light was fading too fast for me. I began to count the number of concerts and gatherings I would be missing once I left. “I don’t feel like I’ve done anything much,” I told my therapist.

With a knowing smile, she replied, “You’ve done all you need to.”

How to Identify Rituals from Key Moments

Beginnings and endings are some of the most obvious times when one needs closure, but life does not often fall into easily divided intervals like my academic semester.

Without my therapist’s guiding words, I would not have recognized my energetic attendance of NYC events as a ritual. Rituals need not be grandiose or spectacular—what matter is that they are meaningful to you. A simple conversation can often be the most gratifying ritual.

Here are the six ways I identified and integrated meaningful rituals into my life:

1. Feel Mindfully

Staying connected to your emotional ebbs and flows is the only way to be in tune with your needs at the moment. While paying attention may seem simple, many people ignore even great emotional changes because of one big limitation: fear.

Our emotions are not always comfortable or pleasant. Fear is a very simple defense mechanism that allows us to skirt around them rather than sit with them. I encourage you to sit with your emotions in the way you find most appealing: talking with a close friend, keeping a diary, writing or meditation.

2. Cater to Emotions

Fear rationalizes itself. If you fear the feelings that you are having in the moment and stifle them, your thoughts will come right up to support that decision. I am not upset. I am not lonely. I am not overwhelmed. I have not changed. These are thoughts that deny the emotions lying just beneath.

Pay attention to your emotions as they are. Take a step away from fear and the denial that your mind uses to protect it. While it may be challenging at first, sitting with your emotions can begin the process of healing. And it can help you identify the transition you need to mark.

3. Plan your Ideal Life Ritual

Planning engages your creativity. It may even start before you’ve felt that you need a ritual – in the form of a bucket list or a worst case scenario plan. Regardless of whether the transition conjures up positive or negative emotions, it is helpful to have an idea of how you want it to progress.

Whether you are working on sitting with your emotions or have identified your needs, keep envisioning different experiences that have meaning to you. Rituals are meant to give closure, but they need not be reflective, so feel free to explore the possibilities.

4. Be Flexible

If you plan, know that your plans may change. If the situation is unexpected, focus on your emotions and let your thoughts quiet before you begin. There is value in starting small, such as having several tiny rituals that can help you through the moment.

Remember: you are not expected to control everything before you seek closure or mark a transition. You are changed by your emotions and situation as much as you can change them.

5. Experience Deeply

This is another exercise in bringing silence to your thoughts. A lesson from yogic meditation tells us that we may acknowledge our thoughts, but must always refocus ourselves on the body and its feelings. When you are performing your ritual, big or small, take this advice to heart and allow yourself to connect with the moment.

6. Willing to Let Go or Embrace Change

Rituals only mark the changes that you have encountered: they do not create them. Know that the transitions you experience throughout life have been a culmination of all that you have been in the past and lead into all that you will be in the future.

If you feel unsure or have anxiety about the change, sit with that emotion as you have done before. Take the discomfort and remember that all of your past experiences have prepared you in some way for this moment, and that you are capable of moving on into the future with these lessons.

Parting Words on Rituals

I don’t claim to be an expert on rituals, but when my therapist sat me down and talked me through all the changes that I was unknowingly celebrating this year, I started to feel that it was something I desperately needed.

Rituals facilitate our understanding of ourselves; we use them to create a sense of safety in our daily lives and to make peace with difficult emotions.

Yet the most important thing to remember about rituals is that they can be fun. They can bring in new experiences that we were frightened of before and allow us to connect deeply with them.

Make a ritual of the positive transitions just as much as you would the negative ones—public or private, they can help us move into a new form of ourselves.

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About the Author

Jordan is a South Asian writer and artist who blogs about her work and opinions at The Cowation. As a woman of color who is always busy with some project or another, she has a lot to share about identity, feminism, and life as a creative person. She attends Barnard College in New York City, and is currently a peer educator with Well Woman, the wellness group on campus, where she has taught others about everything from positive body image to seeking help for depression. She intends to pursue a career in psychology.

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Simplify Your Life This Year

Rajiv Vij — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 23:09:36 +0000

Photo by Rosie Hardy

By TSN Contributor Rajiv Vij

This is the season for resolutions. I reckon you have considered one or two yourself.

Unfortunately, as the year progresses, most New Years resolution tend to fall by the wayside and end up as mere intents.

Here’s an insightful approach towards creating a life that’s not only happier and more fulfilling, but one that also automatically responds to your most meaningful resolutions.

The Complicated Life

Driven sometimes by ambition and other times by a sense of inner incompleteness, we instinctively immerse ourselves in a myriad of pursuits. We often act out of the fear of losing out, compared to our peers or our social network.

We would rather be overwhelmed than miss out on the slightest chance to please the boss, make more money, enhance our status, accumulate more clothes or gadgets, or go to the extra social event.

We also find it hard to let up on instantly responding to text messages, checking our e-mails or facebook accounts multiple times a day or randomly watching television.

What suffers in the process is our attention to our most important priorities—the ones that actually make us feel fulfilled and happier. No wonder then we are unable to see through many of our resolutions, the New Year ones being no exception.

The Familiar Lesson

“A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2 inches in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So, the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled everything else.

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things—your family, your partner, your health—anything that is so important to you that if they were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first (which is what we often do), there is no room for the pebbles, and the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.”

Three Things that Matter

Among all the innumerable activities that we get sucked into, it’s worth reflecting and determining the ones that really matter.

Based on my experience—both, personal and working with diverse clients—I find the discipline of clarifying three things that are most important to you in life very helpful.

Three is a magical number—big enough to cover what really matters and small enough that you are compelled to sharpen your focus and keep the list manageable.

I lead a simple life—a far cry from my 24/7 corporate days. On a typical weekday, I spend about six hours in my coaching practice, an hour at meditation, an hour exercising or playing sports, three to four hours with the family and a couple of hours reading and writing.

My days are built around satisfying my top three priorities: personal wellbeing & growth, family & friends, and helping others in their journey of personal growth.

The Impact

Becoming attentive to the most important priorities of your life starts to simplify your life. Rather than storing these priorities in your subconscious but staying busy with everything else, you begin devoting appropriate amount of time towards them.

Create the time for the “big rocks” in your daily and weekly calendar first, before other activities encroach on your time.

You would perhaps end up doing fewer things, but then those would be the most relevant few. This is not easy for most of us. It requires discipline and learning to say No to other distractions. It also demands building our inner conviction about what’s most valuable to us in life and overcoming the fear of losing out.

We then need to weigh every new commitment based on whether it serves our chosen three rocks or not. Simplifying your life, towards focusing on the most vital priorities this way has the magical power to make your days more fulfilling.

5 Questions to Get Started

Do you sometimes yearn for a simpler but a more meaningful life—one where your top priorities are well met and your progress is rather effortless? If so, here are five questions to reflect upon that may help you:

What are the three things most important to my life?
How much time am I currently devoting towards them in a day/week?
How much time do I want to start dedicating towards them to justify their importance?
What do I need to do to make that happen?
What am I willing to let go so that I have more time for it?

As you respond to these questions and commit yourself to this new way of life, not only would you be equipped to accomplish your New Year resolutions, but also experience greater happiness, peace, balance and fulfillment.

Wish you an Uncomplicated, Happy and Fulfilling Year ahead!

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How to Live

Cat Li Stevenson — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 23:00:55 +0000

Photo by Vanessa Paxton

By Cat Li Stevenson

“Every artist dips his brush in his own soul and
paints his own nature into his pictures.” ~Henry Ward Beecher

“Okay, let’s say life is a blank canvas. Anything you want. What would you paint, babe?” I asked my husband.

There was a brief pause. He grabbed a few Almond Rocas off the kitchen counter, made his way to the couch, and then sat there … like a happy, modern Buddha.

He responded, “I don’t think about what to paint, I think about how to paint.”

Irritation quickly spread throughout my entire body. Regardless of the Zen reading and Vipassana training I had been doing, that was not the response I’d anticipated.

Tonight, for one moment, I wanted to set aside the rationale of “Journey is the way, happiness is not a destination”. Tonight, I really wanted to abandon abstractness and find practicality in our thought process.

Tonight, I’d hoped for grounded, definitive answers—a timeline, some known factors with some known possibilities that delivered a measurable “what to paint” outcome. I wanted to know how to live fulfilling days centered in peace and meaning.

Inspiration for How To Live

I’d just come home after a long day—a long month, at that. I’d spent most of the past two months fueled by perpetual, reactionary energy. A few weeks earlier I had lost a relative very dear to me. This loss, coupled with other personal transitions and an overcommitted workload, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.

With a daily mindfulness practice, I’d become better at not seeking external diversions. I had learned to not search for outer validations for the inner challenges I was experiencing. I hard learned to take full responsibility for the choices I had made (to commit to extra work, to be busy, to be tired).

The past few years, I had become a student of breathing through anxious moments, sitting quietly when my mind was over stimulated, or writing when I needed detoxifying from emotional bombardment.

I was learning how to sit with discomfort without reaching for tools to distract, deny or escape.

Instead of plugging up to Pandora to inject a feel-good song to muffle unsettled feelings, I’d sit with raw emotions. Instead of reaching for my cell phone—a distraction—to check my Twitter feed, I’d examine feelings and attempt to process them.

I was learning. And had witnessed significant inner growth.

But, not tonight.

Tonight, although aware of my burnout-driven-desire for answers, my husband was the one I’d seek out for the external “quick fix”.

I wanted him to tell me, right now, at this very moment, “Where are we going? How will we live? What are we going to do with our lives? What greatness will we achieve? How will we save the world? And are we on the right path? Is this—the way we experience our days now—our purpose?

Or are we really half asleep, on a wheel?

I wanted to know what to paint. I wanted to know what my picture would look like.

My deepest belief is that our reality is a mental creation. Our internal story lines—our thoughts, mindset, affirmations—narrate a projection into our physical world. And vice versa, our physical world is a mirror of our inner being.

So I’d propositioned to him, with this stage-setting belief, my question again: “Life is a blank canvas, let’s paint, shall we?? How do you want to live?” Since I’d rephrased with a few ounces of maturity and philosophy, I expected him to reciprocate.

Yet, I still received no solid answer. No picture.

He repeated himself with the same simplicity as moments before. Something that went like this, “The way we intentionally choose to live each day. This is the how “the way” and “the what” naturally would follow suit.”

“Wow … What a really, really unfulfilling answer.”

This was my last thought that evening. I went to sleep—still stuck in a war zone of mental uncertainty—frustrated with the vagueness of a blank canvas. And I didn’t return to this thought until today.

~~~

A few months have passed, and my anxiousness for the unknown is beginning to dissipate. I now radically let my frustrations, fears and uncertainties be. Acknowledging them, blessing them, and reminding myself, during times when fears do take over, “this too shall pass”.

I let go of my obsession with future-oriented events. I found myself happier in each moment. And, in turn, the answers to my ‘what’ question has been generous in its return. With less force and resistance—and more allowing and surrendering—a picture began to organically form (a story for another post).

How to Live? The 3 Hows of Intentional Living

I’m becoming more and more aware, and accepting, that life is uncertain.

The same elements that make it exciting and beautiful can also bring us on an anxious pursuit for answers. Here are three mindset tools for how to live when we are in a time of transition, fresh with questions, faced with unknowns.

1. Choose Consciously

Living life as a reflex is the grass-root of stress. Reactionary living is working backwards and leads to energy depletion. Our stressors begin to strip away our soul, and we suffocate on an empty tank of unfulfilled needs.

We can reverse this way of living backwards by choosing to consciously create our lives. We can live by setting our intentions.

Contemplate this: “What do I want to intentionally represent?” For example, is it love, humility, compassion, creativity, intelligence?

Or, ask yourself this, “How can I honestly show up for myself and then for others?”

Or on a smaller scale, “When I have lunch with a good friend or a co-worker today, what will I stand for?”

We can choose consciously by affirming we are love, we are humble, we are compassionate, we are creative, and so on.

And when moments of distress do find their way into our space, it is noticeably apparent. There is a heightened awareness towards unconscious feelings.

Take this moment to ponder how your intentions—your mindset, your strategy—will create a conscious, fulfilling life. Choose wisely, and then carry them, center them, deeply within.

Our intentions guide everything. Know this.

2. Adopt a Zen Mind

In zazen—the Zen practice of meditation—our mind is calm and simple. Though, in ordinary life, outside of zazen, this isn’t usually the case.

Daily, we experience a flurry of busy and complicated thoughts—an influx of stimulating & annoying status updates, media noise, email-flood-gate-management, what to have for the next meal, the weekend errand list, a project deadline, keeping in touch with friends, taking care of a parent, going home to a sick child. Hardly Zen.

With many responsibilities that are constantly calling us, we may not easily be able to focus on what we are doing at this very moment.

According to Zen teachings, our cluttered thoughts are a result of thinking with a relative mind. The relative mind is exactly as it reads—the mind which sets itself in relation to other things. And this type of thinking leads to mental clutter.

For example, let’s explore traffic with a relative mind.

Instead of sitting in rush hour with a clear mind, we are impatient—even angry—as we’re running late for the 8am meeting. As we’re driving our shoulders stiffen, our grip on the steering wheel tightens. Our entire bodies react as we become tense. We are zooming into the future by envisioning the wrath of our boss as we stumble in late… guided by our reflection into the past—last week when we were also late.

Not to mention, we’re irritated with the car in front of us for leaving a larger gap than needed … driving slower than the 10 mph flow. Then, we look over to the next lane and find a woman putting on make-up, treating the driver’s seat as a vanity instead of as a vehicle.

We start to form judgment. Our temper has a growing aggression.

The mind is cluttered.

Compulsive thinking forms residual debris that further creates fuel for more compulsive thinking—a result of reaching into the past or zooming into the future. There is another way.

If we adopt a Zen Mind, if we embrace something quite simple with a clear mind, we have no shadows, no debris, no relative mind. Our present moment just is.

There is clarity and the moment is straightforward.

Zen teachings state to do one event, one conversation, one focus with our whole body and mind; to be concentrated. Be whole in each moment. In our conversations, when we are preparing a meal, when we are listening.

So, back to the example of traffic: when we are stuck, be there with your whole body and mind. Just sit there. Take three slow and deep breaths: inhale & exhale.

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist Monk, would also remedy irritation by recommending adding a half smile with this breathing exercise. Certainly, though conceptually simplistic, to master frustrations with present moment awareness and breathing is no small feat … and one that takes practice in a very demanding, modern world.

But it can be done. If this philosophy is intriguing to you and you’d like to explore further, I highly recommend “Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind”, a book that changed my life.

3. Show Up

You. This moment. Both are perfect.

This final “how to live” is a parallel to the second: to show-up, wholly, wherever you go. Understand that your attention is the most precious resource you have.

Today, we can recognize, we can allow what we are doing right now to be perfect, without judgment, without analyzing. We can allow ourselves to be fully here. And we can provide this most amazing gift—our attention—to our current action, to each of our conversations, to those we meet throughout the day.

Parting Words

To close on a Zen note, there is a precept, a saying, “Dana pajna paramita.”

Dana is to give.
Prajna is wisdom.
Paramaita means to cross over, to reach the other shore.

In other words, “To reach the other shore with each step of the crossing is the way of true living.”

That frustrating night months ago, and my husband’s response that I shunned at—I don’t think about what to paint, I think about how to paint—well, it’s true.

Our mind and heart are so powerful and deliberate: how we see becomes how we paint. Our canvas is then our intent, mindfulness, and presence.

And with this priming, our “what”—our unique work of art—is revealed to us moment-by-moment.

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Forgiving Yourself (A Story)

Bobbi Emel — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 01:34:56 +0000

Photo by the talented Jon Jacobsen

Editor’s Note: This is a story by guest contributor Bobbi Emel

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free
and discover that the prisoner was you.”
~Lewis B. Smedes

I sat in the middle of the large wood-cabin conference hall and scuffed the pine floor with my hiking shoe. The flames in the huge rock fireplace danced as I gazed at them, lost in thought.

I hadn’t wanted to come to this retreat.

“What’s it like?” I asked my friend, Bruce, one of the organizers of the retreat. “There’s no dancing around the fire in loincloths with mud on our faces, is there?”

Bruce gave me his wry smile. “No.”

I never knew if Bruce was telling the truth or lying when he gave me the wry smile. This time, he was lying. We didn’t wear loincloths, but there was a lot of dancing and communing with the earth by smearing her contents on our faces.

Bruce talked me into going and I was fully prepared to hate it. Anything that smacked of spirituality for me was anathema. My wounds were still raw and my insides seethed when something merely grazed them.

The weird thing was, I loved the retreat. The theme was about learning to be more welcoming in the world but it was based purely on African indigenous spiritual beliefs, thus the dancing, mud, and drumming, lots of drumming.

Despite my abhorrence of anything spiritual, I was immediately swept up into the rhythmic, loving community of retreaters and was soon participating eagerly in all of the exercises and rituals.

Our leader was preparing us for a healing ritual and our assignment was to think of a time or an incident about which we still carried resentment, hurt or anger. Each of us would work on healing that specific emotional injury.

The retreat participants gathered into small groups to share our wounds and hopes for healing.

My Story

My group listened carefully as I laid out my story of being raised in a fundamentalist Christian family, how I never learned to think for myself and was convinced that I would go to hell if I did, how I never questioned the literal truth of the Bible, and how I was sure that, like my mother, I was Right about all of this.

I told them about going to college and becoming involved in a fundamentalist, yet charismatic, campus ministry. Coming from a family that was on the low end of the expressive, affectionate spectrum, this assembly of singing, hand-raising, hugging people made me feel welcome and loved, truly loved. And the ministry’s tenets fit in with my naïve schemata about Rightness.

My group leaned forward in their seats as I talked about being chosen to facilitate a small group in the ministry, the first step up the ladder toward real leadership and discipleship.

All groups – which were divided by gender – had to have two co-facilitators. This part of the story is very long, but the short of it is that my co-facilitator, Mary, and I fell in love.

I knew homosexuality to be an egregious sin, yet I could not stop my feelings for Mary and our relationship deepened. It was the first time I had ever been in love. We were inseparable.

However, the Big Leadership at the ministry saw what was happening and confronted us. We were given an ultimatum: either stop seeing each other or leave the ministry.

Being young, naïve, and certain that leaving the ministry would not only cut off my loving social support but also lead me straight to hell, I chose to stay and not see Mary any longer. I thought my heart had shattered into a million pieces.

The Big Leadership also decreed that we would have to confess our sins to the group of young women that we had been leading. And confess to the leadership group we were required to attend each week. And attend mandated spiritual counseling with the Big Leader’s wife.

These confessions were the seeds that later grew into the ugly weeds of my anger toward religion or anything spiritual.

And the “counseling” provided by the Big Leader’s wife was more of the same. She often had me read Psalm 51 “until I was sorry”: Have mercy on me, O God . . . Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight . . . Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me . . .

“It was so horrible and humiliating!” I wailed to my retreat group as tears coursed down my cheeks, the memories of over a decade ago sweeping through me. The man next to me tenderly put his hand on my back. The rest of them looked at me, stunned. Some were weeping.

The oldest member of our group spoke. “It is time for your healing,” she said gently.

Self Forgiveness

That night, the healing ritual consisted of three components: Fire, Water, and Earth.

Before we began, the retreat leader told us to take a small piece of paper and write on it what we wished to see enveloped by the fire and released into the air.

People around me started scribbling paragraphs. I took my stubby pencil and wrote one word: Anger.

A bonfire raged and split the darkness outside the meeting hall. We formed a loose line and, one by one, were to approach the flames. Then, we were to toss in the papers with the wounds we had written down.

As I stood in line and felt the heat from the flames, I looked down at my paper. Anger. Anger as hot as this fire at the ministry, the Big Leaders, the woman who “counseled” me . . . I would let go of all of it.

I stepped toward the fire. Taking one last look at my paper, I crumpled it up and tossed it into the blaze. It burst into flame and immediately started floating upward, becoming only ash as it left my sight.

Expecting to feel lighter and free, I was disappointed to find that I felt nothing. No release. Nothing. The volcano of my anger within stirred and rumbled. “See? This is what happens when you turn to spirituality. You get disappointed,” I thought.

I batted that thought aside and moved toward the next component of the ritual, Water. I was directed toward a large bowl of water containing small rocks.

The Water person explained, “Water is about forgiveness. Choose a stone and place those you need to forgive within it.”

I reached into the cool water and withdrew a stone, then followed the guide through the darkness toward the rocky beach. She had me sit on a bench and then she was gone.

It was pitch black and I could just barely see the edge of the water a few feet in front of me. The Water group was softly singing an African song and I could sense other participants around me.

Out of the darkness, I heard a gentle voice softly say, “Take off your shoes.” It was like an angel inviting me to heaven. The voice was so loving I had to comply. I took off my shoes and socks.

The voice continued, “The stone you hold contains forgiveness of those who have hurt you. When you are ready, walk into the water and release the stone into its depths.”

I rolled up my pant legs and tottered unevenly to the water’s edge and then in.

The freezing water against my skin focused me on my task. I put all of the memories, the resentment, the humiliation and painful emotions from my college experience into the stone in my hand. I was going to forgive them all.

Then, as though guided by a mystical puppeteer, my hand moved of its own accord. My fingers curled around the stone and I reached into the water to wet it. My hand moved up and touched the stone to my forehead and then to my heart.

As I tossed the rock into the water, my mind directed my mouth to say, “I forgive them all” but something else came out:

“I forgive myself.”

I gasped and my wet hands flew up to cover my mouth. Tears shot from my eyes and a sob expelled itself from my lungs.

Suddenly, I understood.

All these many years I had been angry with myself. Angry for allowing myself to get into such a shameful spot, angry for not standing up for myself, and finally, angry for holding on to this painful story.

The release and freedom I had been hoping for now lifted me up and carried me back to the beach. Another person guided me back up the hill, the sharp rocks digging into my bare feet, but I didn’t care.

I entered the meeting hall and joyfully partook of the Earth ritual, smearing mud on my face with glee and burying my toes in the mound of earth that had been piled in the center of the room. My heart flew with the notes of the ancient African song that we sang as one blissful body.

I looked across the circle and saw Bruce. His blue eyes twinkled with tears and his wry smile evolved into joyous laughter. I smiled and joined in the laughter. Looking into each other’s eyes, we both knew.

I was free.

~ ~ ~

I’m sure you get the moral of this story, but here are some things to think about:

1. Sometimes it’s all about forgiving yourself. As much as we want it to be about “them”, only we ultimately have responsibility for ourselves.

2. Long-held anger only makes us a prisoner. If you’re still stewing about an old wound, set the prisoner free.

3. Take courage and try a new approach. Maybe it’s not as hippie-dippy as dancing to drums and smearing mud on your face, but a new process might be just enough to shake those old feelings lose.

~~~

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About the Author

Bobbi Emel is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping people face life’s significant challenges and regain their resiliency. In addition to seeing clients in her private practice, Bobbi is a well-regarded speaker and writer. You can find her blog at The Bounce Blog

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20 Ways to Be Grateful

Daniel Wong — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 00:15:16 +0000

Editor’s Note: This is a guest contribution by Daniel Wong

I work as an engineer, and I recently returned to the office after a one-week break.

I checked my e-mail inbox: 100 unread e-mails. A sense of dread washed over me. “There goes the next four hours of my life responding to e-mails,” I thought.

Reading those 100 e-mails made me sad. Not one of them was written with the intention of expressing gratitude or encouragement! All of them were focused on customer complaints that needed to be addressed and problems that needed to be fixed.

Even if the e-mail contained a “thanks,” it was written as “tks.” Am I not worth the one extra second it would have taken to spell out “thanks” in full?

Of course, one possibility is that I don’t produce any good work at all, so there’s no reason for anyone to thank me. But I’d like to think that’s not the case.

After talking to my co-workers, I realized that I’m not the only one who feels like I receive far too few e-mails that are positive and encouraging.

But if negative e-mails are all I get, someone has to be sending them, right? Someone needs to send an e-mail in order for someone else to receive it. So if I wanted to read more positive e-mails, I first needed to ask myself: Do I send e-mails to thank and encourage other people?

I’m embarrassed to admit that the honest answer is “Not nearly often enough.”

This is a clear case of the pot calling the kettle black. But I’m happy to say that I’ve since made a strong commitment to change that.

Being Grateful Isn’t Natural

Going out of our way to show appreciation isn’t something that comes naturally to most of us. It’s much easier to complain about people who upset us, who don’t follow through on their promises, or who behave irresponsibly.

It’s completely natural for us to focus on our frustrations and problems, instead of on what we have to be grateful for.

But hey, if we only did what came naturally to us, we’d spend all of our time watching TV, reading trashy magazines and eating fast food. This, I’m sure, is not how you aspire to live.

If you want to find real and lasting happiness, you’ll have to do many things that aren’t “natural.” One of those things is being grateful. Not just kind of grateful or pretty grateful. I’m talking about being extravagantly grateful.

We need to turn gratitude into a lifestyle.

I’m not merely referring to the e-mails you send. I’m referring to the way you view life. Once you decide that life is full of abundance, you’ll begin to see that there’s a lot for you to be thankful for.

If you’re serious about making gratitude a lifestyle, I have some ideas to help you out. Here’s a list of 20 things you can start doing today to express your gratitude and to become a more appreciative person:

1. Say it in person

It’s usually best to say “thank you” in person. Do it in private often, and do it in public even more often. There’s no better way to make someone feel appreciated than to say “thank you” publicly.

2. Call

In this day and age when we’re so connected, let’s make use of this connectedness to appreciate someone, especially if you’re miles apart.

3. Write a note

If, for some reason, it’s not appropriate to say “thank you” in person or over the phone, handwritten notes are a good alternative. They might seem old-fashioned, but they’re still an effective way to show your sincerity.

When I was in college, I wrote a thank-you note to a professor who had shown exceptional dedication to teaching. I thought I was making his day by giving him the note, but his e-mail reply two days later made my day:

“Daniel, I wanted to thank you for your note. Although we are all paid to do a job, the reality is that we should be motivated by internal goals, and the positive feedback from you (in particular) means a great deal to me.”

4. Send a text

If you don’t have time to write a note, at least send a text message. It won’t take you more than a couple of minutes.

5. Write an e-mail

Use e-mail to compliment your co-worker on a job well done, to thank your friend for being a blessing to you, or to tell a former teacher how he or she has inspired you.

You’ll probably receive some kind words in return, too.

6. Give the person a hug

A hug is a great way to express your thanks. Almost everyone appreciates a sincere hug!

7. Write a poem

It doesn’t have to be long, and it definitely doesn’t have to be of Shakespearean quality. The other person will be touched by your thoughtfulness.

8. Buy a gift

It doesn’t have to be expensive, just something to show that you’re thinking about them. Even something simple, like a book or a souvenir, says a lot.

9. Buy the person dinner

This is a gesture that communicates a great depth of friendship and genuineness. If you’re a good cook, making dinner is an even better option.

10. Surprise the person

Don’t do anything stalker-ish, but if the person is a close friend, pay a surprise visit to his or her house to express your gratitude. If you want to do something more over-the-top, you can even throw a surprise party.

11. Record a video

Record a video, post it on YouTube, and send the link to the person.

12. Create a music compilation

Put together a compilation of the person’s favorite music.

13. Bake cookies

Or a cake. Everyone loves baked goods because they’re yummy, and because a lot of effort and love goes into making them.

14. Make some kind of art

You can make a picture frame, photo collage, or even some kind of painting or pottery. It’s an inexpensive way to make someone feel important.

15. Give them an imaginary award

Give the person a made-up award like “Mom of the Year,” “Most Cheerful Administrative Assistant in the World” or “The World’s Most Thoughtful Son.” Slightly cheesy but very meaningful!

16. Sing praises to someone close to the person

If you want to appreciate your friend, Marianne, tell Marianne’s mom how thoughtful and caring Marianne is. The word will definitely get around.

People who care about you deeply will be proud to hear about how you’re impacting the lives of others. In the example above, you can be sure that both Marianne and her mom will feel special.

17. Leave an online comment

As someone who reads more than 40 blogs regularly, I know it’s easy to read a good post and then immediately move on to something else that interests you.

Even if you don’t know the blogger personally, leave a comment if you enjoyed the post. Bloggers, myself included, read every comment they receive. They greatly appreciate it even when strangers compliment them.

It’s challenging to consistently produce good content, so bloggers are thankful for all the positive feedback they get.

18. Tweet it

Thank a blogger using Twitter. If you achieved good results after following a blogger’s advice, tweet him or her about it. If your thinking has been challenged through reading a post, let the blogger know.

Also, a retweet is a sure way to make a blogger feel honored.

19. Blog about it

Complimenting or thanking someone in such a public forum is a fantastic way to show your appreciation. Do an interview with the person and publish the transcript, or write a post about how he or she has made a difference in your life.

20. Keep a journal

Keep a journal where you write down at least one thing you’re thankful for every day. Doing this is scientifically proven to make you happier. (Check out this paper: Counting Blessings versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-being in Daily Life by Emmons and McCullough.)

In addition, when you feel more grateful, you’re more likely to express that gratitude freely.

~ ~ ~

Let’s make the world we live in a happier place—one day at a time, one “thank you” at a time.

* What can you do in the next few hours to express gratitude for someone? What are some things you’ve done to show someone that you are grateful and how did they respond? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments section.

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About the Author

Daniel Wong is a recent college graduate who currently works as an engineer. He is passionate about helping young adults to maximize their education, career and life. He is the author of The Happy Student: 5 Steps to Academic Fulfillment and Success, which will be published by Morgan James Publishing by early 2012. You can read his blog at Living Large and find him on Twitter.

The Power of Love

Rajiv Vij — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 22:09:11 +0000

Photo by Shannon

By Rajiv Vij

The last few months have been a difficult time for my family – during which, we lost a close family member who I loved deeply.

The shocking news from her sudden diagnosis of a lethal cancer and subsequently losing her within weeks of diagnosis have left us distraught. Yet, this whole experience has been a humbling source to reflect upon some of life’s important lessons.

As we reconcile to this irreparable loss, we have been reflecting on the entire crisis and searching for the lessons it offered us. While there are many lessons to be learnt, I would like to share what I felt to be the most important one: the power of love.

The Power of Love

As this serious illness engulfed our lives, numerous issues flooded our minds. What disturbed us the most were the questions related to the meaning of life and the predicament around what finally remains of a person and their life’s actions.

After much contemplation, we finally grasped that love is the answer. Love sustains life and is what remains after life.

Despite the challenges of the situation, somehow we were all quite calm, positive and strong. Besides our meditation practice, I believe, it was really the power of love that not only gave us this special strength during this troubled time, but also made those few weeks so precious.

The anchor of love and compassion is now providing the support needed for the grieving family.

I was steadily experiencing the shift from carrying the intellectual understanding about love in my head to experiencing it more fully in my heart over the past few years.

I have come to believe that love indeed has the strength to dissolve all our emotional wounds and differences. Perhaps, it is the only thing that lasts beyond space and time.

Emily Dickinson, the 19^th century American poet, wrote,

“Love is anterior to Life, posterior to death;
initial of creation, and the exponent of Earth”.

Love brings us together, leads to our birth, nurtures us, provides us the force for growth, sustains our existence and is the legacy that eventually remains.

Motivated by Love

Despite this essence of love, we ignore paying attention to love in our daily lives. It amazes me how limiting our thoughts and actions are sometimes. We fail to recognize that it doesn’t matter what we do, but it is the motivation behind it that makes the difference.

Even a small task can spread happiness and joy around us when carried out with love and kindness.

Love contributes to furthering the cause of the universe and thereby gives our action greater meaning. Life demands that we make compassion the guiding force behind all our actions and interactions.

Accordingly, at work, these considerations can determine how we treat our colleagues and customers, and in our society, the consideration we have for the underprivileged.

Love is undoubtedly the most significant nurturing force in relationships. Yet, while we intellectually know this, are we mindful of it in our closest relationships?

Repeatedly, we get caught up with our conditioned responses of ego, fear, insecurity, attachment and anxiety, and we become removed from our innate ability to love.

These emotions make us feel separate and isolated, eventually burying the love that exists inside us. Thus, a parent’s deep-rooted love for their child, when heavily clouded by their own fears, insecurities and moments of unconsciousness, gets expressed as anger.

Love Connects Us

Consciously staying attentive to spreading love and becoming open to receiving it, we feel totally interconnected and whole.

All of us yearn to be loved—it is one of our deepest motivations; receiving unconditional love makes us feel complete.

Mother Teresa said,

“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.”

Being able to love someone unconditionally and to openly receive their deepest love is an energizing emotion. Marriage, partnerships and parenting offer the greatest opportunity to practice such unconditional love.

The gratitude from experiencing love in our closest relationships inevitably leads us to be kinder in all our other interactions too. The compassion inside us starts to flow outwards—towards our friends, community and the broader humanity. As a result, the virtuous circle of love continues to grow.

Discovering Our True Selves

In the process, we journey into our inner self and connect with our true nature—one that is full of love and happiness. Our ability to love others is generally limited by our love for ourselves. Connecting with our deepest core, we start to notice the reservoir of love inside us that’s been waiting to express itself.

Like the soul is never lost, so is our true nature of love. Recognizing this is liberating—it gives us the courage to wrestle with and overcome the limitations in our life.

Experiencing deep love not only strengthens us in the present, but also makes us feel confident of the future and come to terms with our past. Reminds me of what Alfred Tennyson aptly wrote,

“I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost,
Than never to have loved at all.”

Loving Now

Coming face to face with the death of a loved one, I recognized that the only moment to love is . . . now. The only time to express our love and the only occasion to make someone feel special is in the present.

Mortality is not something we consciously think of while going about our daily business. However, when the relevance of all our other attachments seems to wane, the most haunting question on the deathbed can be “Did I love enough”?

This is a concern that crosses the minds of not only the dying, but also their loved ones. Did they use all the time they had with the people they loved? Did they express their love enough?

We have an entire lifetime to prepare an answer to these questions. How we respond determines the difference between feeling complete with life or otherwise.

They say love the people you fear losing so much now that you don’t miss them when they are gone.

All that is required for this is doing our best to be more aware in the present moment; being conscious of our inner thoughts, beliefs and emotions; paying attention to and choosing to affirm, our loving, kind and compassionate intention in each moment.

The Sufi poet, Rumi, captures the essence well in the following words:

“Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all the barriers
within yourself that you have built against it.”

How about you? Have you loved enough?
How has the power of love affected you and your life story?
What can you do to express to those you love that they are deeply appreciated and cared for?

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Gift Ideas that Inspire

Tina Su — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 05:44:39 +0000

By Tina Su

A few years ago, when I first started this site, I used to do posts on gift ideas around Christmas time (like this one and this one). I haven’t done another post like that, mainly because the gifts I like to give are quite boring (to the outside) and are usually non-fiction, inspirational type books.

Maybe it’s a personal preference, but I feel that “things” don’t last, but books do. A good book will move us, it will motivate us to take different action, and it will inspire us to see the world differently. In essence, a good book will change us.

If you’re been reading this Blog for awhile, you’ve probably already head of me recommending “The Power of Now“, which I believe it’s a must read for everyone (the audio book doesn’t count). That book changed my life and was the basis upon which this site got started, but that was over four years ago.

Since then, there are other books I’ve fallen in love with and do highly recommend. I thought to share some of them with you, just in case you were curious and/or was looking for gift ideas.

So this year, instead of trying to come up with a list of clever gift ideas, I thought to do a post of my favorite things (and favorite gift ideas I personally like to give).

I hope these recommendations (mostly books) fill your hearts with inspiration and wisdom, as they have done for me.

Are you ready? Here we go:

Gift Ideas: Books that Changed My Life

1. PhilosophersNotes

I don’t know where to begin in expressing how much I love the PhilosophersNotes. This is one of my favorite things in the world. Next to reading “The Power of Now” I would recommend that everyone get this.

What is it exactly? Brian Johnson created a series of book summaries of the 100 (now 200) of the best personal growth books—like Cliffs Notes or Coles Notes (if you are Canadian) except for books on personal transformation. In addition to written notes, he also recorded the summaries of inspiring ideas on audio.

For each volume, you get 100 notes from 100 books. It’s one of those things you have to experience to understand its genius. Each summary captures the most inspiring and practical ideas from that book. The audio for each note is 20 minutes long. (Click here to get the notes or continue reading for how to order for cheap.)

This is the only thing I listen to when I drive. It gives me this boost of positive energy. It’s incredibly inspiring, uplifting and brilliant. I just love it.

For books I’ve read before, the notes are like a zap of positivity, reminding me ideas from those books which I can instantly apply to my present life situation (without needing to re-read the entire book).

For books I haven’t read before, it gives me inspiring and interesting ideas from a book without putting in the time to read the whole book (just 20 minutes). This is also a great resource for discovering books I may want to read.

To order, do the following:

Go to this page.
Under PN-Volume I (I’m recommending vol 1 and 2, not the physical hardcover book), right above the Add button, select price next to “Pick Your Price”. You can choose $20 to snag this at a discount. (I got the physical version of this product for $200 from a few years ago. So you’re getting a serious deal here.)
Click “Add” button.
(optionally) Repeat for volume II, or start with volume 1 and see if you like it. I recommend getting both.
Scroll down the page, and click on the large button “Checkout” (on the same page, near the bottom).
Continue the checkout process.

Enjoy!! If you are similar to me, you’ll love this. Trust me.

2. The Millionaire Fastlane

You may have heard of me raving about this book in the post “The Greatest Tragedy: Time vs Money” that MJ DeMarco wrote for our site.

This book is truly a gem, and I do recommend this to everyone. Everyone around me either bought a copy or received one as a gift from me. :)

Besides, there are 162 five-star ratings (at this time of writing) on amazon—others agree (including Brian Johnson from #1 above, who did a PN note on the book in volume 2 of PhilosophersNotes).

This is one book I will give to my son, when he’s old enough to learn about money and business. I love this book. I love the honesty, wisdom and transparency from which the author writes. This book will forever change my money blue print, and I am deeply thankful.

To read my review of the book, see the section “Editor’s Note” near the end of the article on The Greatest Tragedy. You can order a copy of the book on amazon here.

3. Brain Rules

I am not a very (naturally) active person. In fact, the last time I exercised was about a year before I had a baby (who is now 2 years old). I mean, yeah, I know I “should” be exercising, but I’ve never been inspired enough to actually make the time to do it…

… until I started reading this phenomenal and very entertaining book “Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School”.

Now, this book isn’t about exercise. It is about understanding our brains such that we can optimize its ability to think, to remember, and to be productive. It’s a very practical and informative read. On top of that, the author has a unique voice that will capture your attention and keep you engaged.

In my mind, a sign of a good book is one that changes my behavior and outlook on life. And this is definitely one of those.

4. Super Rich

Russell Simmons, the hiphop mogul, has written a new book called “Super Rich: A Guide to Having it All”. Let me just preface by saying that “It’s not what you think.”

I recently saw Russell Simmon speak in person, and he completely surprised and moved me. On par to “The Power of Now”, this book is very practical and enlightening. Even if you have zero interest in hiphop culture, I still highly recommend this book.

Behind his fame, Russell is really a Yogi, who brings ancient wisdom into practical, modern speak. This book contains a beautiful blend between spiritual savvy and street-smart wisdom.

As I started reading this, I couldn’t stop high-lightening the pages. There are so many great quotes in here that I was like a madman with my pen. My copy of the book is filled with pen marks and scribbles.

If you enjoyed reading about my spiritual journey to India (2009) in the post “Living Enlightenment”, then I think you’ll really enjoy this book.

Here’s a quote from Simmons, which always put a smile on my face, “Happy can make you money, but money can’t make you happy.” :)

5. Personal MBA

The Personal MBA by Josh Kaufman distills the most valuable and universal principles of business into simple and practical concepts that we can use—not only in business but also to solve personal challenges.

It was recommended to me by, my dear friend, Derek Sivers. After the 3^rd time of him raving about how great this book was, I instantly downloaded it on to my Kindle.

Josh is a very concise writer, who gets to the point quickly in a crisp and no BS fashion. I liked that. I found parts of the book to be a little dry, so I found myself going back-and-forth between reading this and another book to balance out the logical, concise business talk.

However, the value you do get from the book far outweighs the few dry parts (Depending on who you are, you may not find it to be dry). I’ve learned a lot from the book and enjoyed the process.

Once I got through the first half of the book, which consists mainly of business concepts told in a very easy to understand, short, and digestible chunks, the second half completely surprised me. In the second half, he talks about soft skills and personal development—written in his concise style that is extremely clear and easy to follow.

The sign of a master is one who can explain complex concepts in a simple to understand way, such that a child could understand. And Josh definitely has a gift for making things simple to understand, and explaining them in short, bite-sized writing.

Ever thought about going to business school? Here’s a way to dive in for under twenty bucks. Have an interest in business or just like to learn new stuff? This is a great choice.

6. Brain Rules for Baby

Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five is written by the same brilliant brain scientist as the book from #3 above.

Oh man, I really wished that I had read this while I was pregnant with Ryan. If you are pregnant, or have a baby, or a child under the age of five, or know of someone who is pregnant or have a child under the age of five, :) please get this book. Seriously.

I get a little teary just writing this. It’s really good. You’ll learn something new. And you’ll be inspired to be better parents for our most precious little people.

This makes for a great baby gift and an insightful read.

6. Do the Work & The War of Art

It’s no secret that I love Steven Pressfield’s two books on overcoming creative fears and how to be productive with your creative endeavors.

You can read my review of these books on this post “Fear & How to Beat It”.

If you are working towards any type of creative or entrepreneurial or personal improvement projects, I highly recommend both these books: Do the Work and The War of Art. Both are very inspiring and phenomenal reads.

~ ~ ~

There you go! These are the top books and resources I highly recommend. If you like the content this site has published over the years, I think you’ll dig these books.

Before we do a summary of resources, here is a quick list of non-book items that I love:

OmmWriter – Oh Bliss! This is the software I use to write and (truthfully) to relax in. It blocks out of all on-screen distractions and presents you with a zen-like virtual environment (along with music) to soak in peace, and just let your words flow. Try it as a journal or to capture ideas. Download free versions for Mac and PCs. The iPad version is paid (but cheap). If you love the free version, please also get the paid version (to support the geniuses that created it). It’s a beautiful software that instantly puts me into Bliss land. Make sure to use headphones to catch the music — designed to draw you into serenity.
Kindle – I love my Kindle so much, that it I could, I’d marry it. *smiles* Seriously, if you like to read, you’ll love the Kindle. If you plan to read for extended period of time, I highly recommend that you get a version with E Ink, and not the color version (Kindle Fire). During a visit over the summer, after my step-dad saw how much I loved my Kindle setup, he got the exact same setup. He is now a very happy man. My setup is: Kindle with Keyboard + Leather Cover with Built-in Light. Worth every penny.
Moo Cards – Someday I’ll tell you the full story (maybe on simplytina) of how Moo (the company that makes high quality, good looking business cards at great prices) became my hero. When my designer messed up and I was in a desperate spot, their customer service took care of me—like re-designing the card, reprinting an order, sent it to me overnight (all on their dime) so that I had cards for an important event. They probably lost $50 or more from my order, but gained a life long raving fan. For example, I don’t need stickers, but am finding myself ordering them anyway, just because Moo makes them. :) If you need business cards and want to get the most for your money (not to mention a company who truly cares about their customers), use Moo.

Resources

Just for your references, here’s a summary of all the books and resources we’ve talked about in this post:

[Tool] PhilosophersNotes Volume 1
[Book] The Millionaire Fastlane: Crack the Code to Wealth and Live Rich for a Lifetime By MJ DeMarco
[Book] Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School By John Medina
[Book] Super Rich: A Guide to Having it All By Russell Simmons
[Book] The Personal MBA: Master the Art of Business By Josh Kaufman
[Book] Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five By John Medina
[Book] Do the Work By Steven Pressfield
[Book] The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles By Steven Pressfield
[Book] The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment By Eckhart Tolle
[Article] 40 Simple Gift Ideas to Spark a Smile
[Article] 38 Creative Gift Ideas

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How to Stop Negative Self Talk

Tina Su — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:23:31 +0000

Photo by aeschleah

By Tina Su

Do you know what makes life difficult?

The answer is simple: it’s us. :)

It is us, and that large and complex brain of ours that seem to seek out drama, repeat negative self-talk, create false illusions of fear, and generally makes our life difficult in almost all situations. Seriously.

Every single struggle we experience on a daily basis; every complaint, every dissatisfaction, every problem can be drilled down into a single source of root cause: our brain and the stories it tell us.

Because our brain’s job is to keep us safe, it is constantly acting from a place of fear. Its job is to ensure our survival. As such, its job is not to ensure that we have a blissful experience while we are alive.

Even when everything is going well, a little voice in our head will say, “Watch out! Something bad is going to happen.” Then panic sets in, and we experience that unnerving anxious feeling of possibly losing all the good we have going for us.

Our brain is exceptional at telling us engaging stories that are so convincing that it’ll influence us to also act out of fear and irrational anxiety. Additionally, It will vividly replay the emotional story in our mental theater over and over… over and over… over and over.

It’s torture, really.

Before you know it, you’ll start to believe in the story and trusting it to be true. It becomes solidified in your mind in the form of a belief–even if it wasn’t true. We then continue our life’s journey and take action from that place of false belief.

The problem is…. we end up suffering.

Sometimes, we suffer a lot. Sometimes, we suffer for a long time. We suffer because we don’t realize that we are the problem and that we are also the solution.

My Story of Negative Self Talk

For the last year or so, I have been carrying with me the repetitive thought and heavy belief that “I am a bad mom.”

Like many of our self-defeating thoughts, it whispers quietly in our ears and its toxin spreads insidiously. We realize that it is there, but because it’s difficult to separate it from reality, we let it stay. Because our brain speaks with our own voice, it feels real and it feels true.

Anyway, in my example, I had believed it. I had bought its story. Feeling completely incompetent as a parent, I did what I could to stay busy and to stay away from my little boy. It was heart breaking. I kept this secret silently tucked away in the privacies of my mind (and now you know it too).

Externally, people saw that I was focused on work–after all, lots of kiddies go to day care. Internally, my heart was crying. Truth was: I had buried myself in work because I didn’t think I could handle it. I was scared.

The more I stayed away, the more time I spent focused on work the worse I felt and the more my actions confirmed the affirmation that “I am a bad mom.” I was literally torturing myself.

Can you see that it’s a downward spiral? In these private mental wars we battle, no body wins.

Having gained the conscious awareness that this little thought was the reason why I had put my son in day care and why I suddenly felt compelled to focus on my career, it felt like waking up from a bad dream.

Looking at my precious little boy (almost 2 years old now), who radiates life so fully and with so much joy, I feel a surge of emotions–a mixture between feeling guilt for having “missed” a year of his life and feeling deep appreciation for having learned this valuable lesson.

I put my forehead against his soft little forehead, his light brown eyes looking straight into my soul and I gently whispered, “I love you Booboo. From now on, I promise to enjoy EVERY moment with you. Mama understands now.”

With that, I decided to stay home with my son once again. I decided to work out my schedule such that I can be a full-time mom again. No more drama. No more (mental) lies. No more (self) abuse.

I get another chance at this important “job”, except this time without illusions, without guilt. Through its ups and downs, I want to be there, fully.

~ ~ ~

Even before I was a mom, there was always something non-supportive running through my head, and often I would believe it. And this belief into a false statement about myself would cause so much pain and zaps much of my vital energy. I would feel cut off from life and it significantly limited my ability to feel happy.

I think the last thing before “I am a bad mom” the limiting thought running in my mind was “I am not lovable”. Even just a few weeks ago, while standing in a room of strangers at a conference in New York, feeling alone, the thought that kept running in my mind was “I’m such a loser. No body likes me.”

It doesn’t make sense, and it even sounds silly when we talk about this openly. But I genuinely believe that thoughts like these hunt each and every one of us to some capacity. Whether we are conscious of these thoughts or not, they do affect us. And they do hurt us.

Now, I don’t think these thoughts will ever go away, which is ironic, since this article is on “How to Stop Negative Self Talk”. While we can’t completely stop the negative self-talk, we can work towards a new reality where we stop believing in all this negative self talk.

We can do our best to practice awareness in recognizing when these thoughts are happening, and choosing to not buy into the abuse.

We can say, “Thank you for sharing.” Or “Cancel.” Or simply recognizing that our brain is like a crazy, drunken monkey that says really stupid things, and that we really shouldn’t take it seriously.

What about you?

What unsupportive thoughts are you hearing on repeat in your mind? What self-defeating, abusive and limiting statement is your brain trying to convince you (or have convinced you) to be true?

Stop for a minute from reading and reflect. What were you worried/stressed/anxious about recently (or right now)? What thoughts have been racing on repetition in your head?

Take inventory. Take notice. Then shine the light of awareness upon it. When we are facing the light, the shadows must fall behind us.

Here are some common thoughts:

I’m not good enough.
I’m ugly.
I’m too fat/tall/short/young/old.
I’m stupid.
He/she’ll never love me.
I am not lovable.
I am a bad parent.
I am a horrible person.
There is something wrong with me.
I never have enough time.
I don’t deserve …
I can’t …

All of these (and more) are illusions fabricated by our mind, which significantly limits our capacity to fully enjoy life. When we get lost in the story, we miss the gifts nestled only in this moment.

This moment, after all, is all we have. Once we loose it, it’s gone forever.

So savor it.

Drop the story. Be here now.

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**BACK TO YOU: How have you been? What’s on your mind lately? I’ve missed you. Let me know how you’ve been and your thoughts in the comment section. See you there.

Think Simple Now

How to Set Goals – To Create the Best Year

Problem with Goals & Resolutions

1. Lack of Focus

2. It’s Easy to Focus on Failure

3. We Experience Guilt

4. Failure to Review

5. Lack of Meaning

A New Approach to Goals

How to Find Your Theme

Using Your Theme

1. Expand on the Word

2. Symbolic Reminder

3. Create Goals From Your Theme

4. One Goal at a Time

5. Be Gentle On Yourself

Before You Go …

Related Posts on Goals You May Like:

7 Lessons from a Broken Heart

1. The end of one relationship makes room for the start of another

2. Starting from the bottom opens up a world of possibilities

3. Everyone is working through their junk

4. Life will always return to some sort of equilibrium

5. Releasing expectation leaves less room for disappointment

6. Having nothing to lose is liberating

7. Listen lightly to the opinions of others

Parting Words

About the Author

Related Articles on Broken Heart & Life:

The Power of Rituals

How to Identify Rituals from Key Moments

1. Feel Mindfully

2. Cater to Emotions

3. Plan your Ideal Life Ritual

4. Be Flexible

5. Experience Deeply

6. Willing to Let Go or Embrace Change

Parting Words on Rituals

About the Author

Simplify Your Life This Year

The Complicated Life

The Familiar Lesson

Three Things that Matter

The Impact

5 Questions to Get Started

Related Articles on Simplying Your Life & Setting Goals

How to Live

Inspiration for How To Live

How to Live? The 3 Hows of Intentional Living

1. Choose Consciously

2. Adopt a Zen Mind

3. Show Up

Parting Words

Stories Related to How to Live:

Forgiving Yourself (A Story)

My Story

Self Forgiveness

About the Author

Stories Similar to Forgiving Yourself:

20 Ways to Be Grateful

Being Grateful Isn’t Natural

About the Author

Related Articles on Being Grateful:

The Power of Love

The Power of Love

Motivated by Love

Love Connects Us

Discovering Our True Selves

Loving Now

Gift Ideas that Inspire

Gift Ideas: Books that Changed My Life

1. PhilosophersNotes

2. The Millionaire Fastlane

3. Brain Rules

4. Super Rich

5. Personal MBA

6. Brain Rules for Baby

6. Do the Work & The War of Art

Resources

How to Stop Negative Self Talk