Spring is here–and if you need another reason to get out of doors, how about improving your mental health? Study after study backs the stress-relieving power of nature. Cortisol levels drop and life starts looking good again.

In a new study*, Urban Nature Experiences Reduce Stress in the Context of Daily Life Based on Salivary Biomarkers the relationship between duration of a nature experience (NE), (spending time in an outdoor place that brings a sense of contact with nature) and changes in two physiological biomarkers of stress – salivary cortisol and alpha-amylase, are described.

Thirty-six individuals who lived in cities were asked to have a ten-minute or more nature experience at least three times a week for a period of eight weeks. (They had to do this during the day, couldn’t include aerobic exercise as part of the NE, had to avoid their phones while they were experiencing their NE, and had to avoid any mood-altering drugs.)

Because doctors today are beginning to write prescriptions for spending time in nature, the study sought to quantify what kinds of NE’s really were effective so that a reliable “prescription” could be written. “The efficiency of a ‘nature pill’ per time expended was greatest between 20 and 30 min, after which benefits continued to accrue, but at a reduced rate,” the results showed.

Though other studies** suggested higher rates of cortisol drops when going to a forest, these researchers created a practical study in which city dwellers could go to their local park or their own backyard. While being immersed in a totally natural environment like a forest or the mountains without the noise and other distractions of the city might hold appeal and even be more effective, most people can’t do that on a regular basis. This study showed that the stress reduction of cortisol was at 21.3% per hour and researchers predicted a 10.6% cortisol drop after a 30 min NE.

Make It  A Habit

Even if you have to travel a bit to get to a natural setting, the effect on your mood may be well worth it. All beginnings are hard, but if you make the commitment to this healthy habit, you’ll find after time it comes easier.

To make it a habit:

1. Notice the pattern of your days and weeks. Is there any downtime when you could be engaged with nature? Sometimes minutes cruising the internet can turn into hours, and that time could be better spent in nature.
2. Start slow with an easy plan. Research where you’ll go and make sure it’s a relatively convenient location. If your goal is to get out in nature five times a week and you never do this now, you might crash and burn. Instead, choose one time a week and commit to it, no matter what. Don’t let anything interfere with your time spent outdoors, unless it is urgent. Don’t do two hours at once unless you truly can commit, even fifteen minutes can have an effect.
3. Keep a record of your nature experiences. Use the calendar on your phone or an old fashioned wall calendar, and check off your NEs when you’re done.
4. Build on success. Don’t stop at once a week. Don’t stop at 15 minutes. Every month or so, reassess the success of your commitment and add a few more minutes and a few more NEs per month.

*Researchers and consultants were from School for Environment and Sustainability, University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, consultant from the Statistics, Computing, and Analytics Research, University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, MI, and the Department of Biostatistics, University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, MI,

**Stressed? Try the Japanese Forest Walk

**9 Ways to Beat the Fall Blues

Sadly, it took the most extreme of alienation cases, a father convincing his daughter to help him murder her mother, in order for parental alienation to become well-known, as it made national headlines.

Watch videos and read about the Nerurater case here:

Parental alienation ends in death

48 Hours on parental alienation

In this recent interview, below, Dr. Any Baker explains parental alienation and the link to narcissistic personality disorder, and more. Dr. Amy Baker is a parental alienation expert who we’ve mentioned many times on Therapy Soup in posts (two examples): Damage Done By Parental Alienation  

Parental Alienation: Heartbreak & Hope

There are some beliefs that we assume are universal truths, when, in fact, they are not. We believe in reality. But, depending on your pov, reality can be understood in radically different ways. The past decade saw a kind of exposé of research science in several areas, especially but not only, the social sciences.

Significant numbers of research studies have been shown to be biased, poorly controlled, and openly faked. In one report, over 75 percent of a group of 100 social science studies couldn’t be replicated. Nearly every type of psychology has had its research fails. Case in point is that the DSM changes over time–completely eliminating some diagnoses. In other words, the reality is being described and understood differently over time, all the time.

The backlash over fake studies has faded into the background, and we continue to diagnose, explain, prescribe, treat, and describe mental illness in the language of these studies, often, sometimes with the broken pieces intact, perhaps for lack of a better alternative, or no alternative at all. Yes, we still rely on the studies.

PsychCentral’s Dr. John Grohol explains the pervasive nature of the problem of bias. But if we’re honest, we’re all biased. It’s especially difficult in the social sciences to conduct an ethical study or be an effective, compassionate therapist, unless we readily admit this. Each and every one of us has a world view, a bias.

When it comes to patients, they have world views (and biases) too. Often (not always) the closer the therapist’s and patient’s world views align, the better. When it comes to religious and spiritual viewpoints, this is accepted in many government and non-government agencies, which is why there are tracts of treatment in addiction facilities, for example, for people of different religious and ethnic backgrounds.

Because there are no plain vanilla belief systems, it can be helpful in any case for a therapy client to either have a therapist who shares their religious/spiritual pov or even to have a spiritual adviser work together with a therapist, and in point of fact, this is being done all across the United States as well as some other countries.

In most states in the U.S., ordained ministers, priests, and rabbis are even legally allowed to do counseling within certain limits. Although many are not licensed professionals, pastoral counselors can be helpful in cases where (serious) psychological problems are not present but spiritual or moral difficulties are being encountered.

Pastoral counselors are ethically obligated to refer people with mental illness or addictions to skilled professionals unless they themselves have had additional training and are licensed to provide care. This doesn’t mean they always do. This can be for a variety of reasons, but often, it’s simply because they don’ realize that the person seeking their help has a mental illness.  They aren’t able to assess or evaluate whether or not the individual has a mental illness because they haven’t been trained.

Sometimes those with ordination seek degrees in psychology or mental health and can provide well-rounded psychotherapy as well as spiritual guidance. In certain instances, a patient may want a spiritual advisor and a psychotherapist to work with them concurrently. A bonus to working with a pastoral counselor is that many don’t charge for their services—any payment they receive might come from their religious organization, church, synagogue, or mosque.

It’s important that therapists respect their patients’ deeply held spiritual/religious beliefs, but it can be extremely difficult for them to understand what this entails, unless they align with those beliefs themselves, get training in this area, or work together with a pastoral counselor.

You’ve just made a first appointment with a therapist. You want to know what to look for, how to assess if this is the right therapist for you. You can set this checklist aside and read it later, after therapy, so you can focus more on being in the present with the therapist. (You might prefer to read the check list below before your first appointment if you like, to keep some points in mind.) It is up to you.

After your first appointment is the time to begin getting in touch with your thoughts and feelings about therapy and any therapist you are considering working with. This worksheet will help you evaluate a therapist after the first session.

Not every question will apply to every situation, so don’t worry if you aren’t able to answer every question. Also, of the questions you are able to answer, you most likely won’t be able to check off every positive answer. Still, the majority of your those questions you are able to answer should be positive.

Question 14 might be obviously essential, but the basics should still be there.

Patient’s Therapist Evaluation Checklist

(Check Yes or No)

1. The therapist’s office was reasonably comfortable and clean.
 Yes, the office was comfortable and clean.
 No, the office was not comfortable and clean.

2. The therapist was punctual, or, if not, let me know he or she was running late with an urgent situation.
 Yes, the therapist was punctual.
 No, he was not punctual.

3. The therapist maintained healthy physical boundaries and did not use inappropriate touch.
 Yes, the therapist maintained healthy physical boundaries and did not use inappropriate touch.
 No, the therapist didn’t maintain healthy physical boundaries and touched me inappropriately.

4. The therapist was forthcoming when (if) I asked to see his/her credentials.
 Yes, s/he showed me her/his credentials when asked.
 No, s/he did not show me her/his credentials when asked.

5. The therapist clearly answered any questions I had about his/her credentials or referred me to resources that could help me understand.
 Yes, s/he answered my questions about credentials.
 No, s/he didn’t answer my questions about credentials.

6. The therapist seemed to be caring and concerned about me.
 Yes, s/he seemed to be caring and concerned.
 No, s/he did not seem to be caring and concerned.

7. The therapist asked a lot of questions during my first visit.
 Yes, s/he asked a lot of questions.
 No, s/he did not ask a lot of questions.

8. The therapist listened carefully to my answers.
 Yes, s/he listened carefully to my answers.
 No, s/he did not appear to listen carefully to my answers.

9. The therapist did a biopsychosocial evaluation and wrote down my answers. (In certain cases this might take a couple of visits to complete, but it should start during the first session.)
 Yes, s/he did an evaluation and wrote down my answers.
 No, s/he did not do an evaluation.

10. The therapist asked me basic questions about who I am, questions about my mental health, questions about substance abuse, and questions about my physical health. (This might take a couple of visits to complete.)
 Yes, s/he asked about my mental and physical health and if I use or abuse drugs or alcohol.
 No, s/he did not ask me about my mental and physical health and if I use or abuse drugs or alcohol.

11. The therapist answered my questions in a detailed manner about what would happen next if I chose to continue therapy with him/her.
 Yes, s/he answered my questions.
 No, s/he did not answer my questions.

12. The therapist did not pressure me to make another appointment.
 Yes, s/he did not pressure me.
 No, s/he pressured me.

13. The balance of talking and listening during my session was comfortable for me.
 Yes, it was.
 No, it was not.

14. Overall I feel comfortable with this therapist and think that he/she can help me.
 Yes, I feel comfortable with this therapist.
 No, I do not feel comfortable with this therapist.

The information in this post was adapted from Therapy Revolution: Find Help, Get Better, and Move On (HCI Books)

Of course, there may be times when a spouse or parent could help you better achieve your goals if they do sit in on a session with you. Or specific relationships themselves might be an integral part of your reason for being in therapy. If that is the case, the therapist may recommend that one or more of your family members join you in therapy for one or more sessions. (This should be discussed and written down in your treatment plan.)

For example, *Mark moved back home after college. He felt that the stress of living with his parents made him more depressed. Although he contributed to the household bills and chores as any responsible adult would, his parents still set strict limits on Mark’s activities. Mark felt this to be demeaning. His therapist, Andy, had initially decided that Mark should work on his depression in individual therapy, but he wrote a note in the treatment plan that after sixty days had passed, Mark and he would revisit the idea of bringing one or both parents in for a session.

At that point both Mark and Andy agreed that he had made enough progress that he could comfortably invite both parents to a session. Mark’s parents genuinely wanted their son to be strong enough to move forward (and out!). They were very willing to come to a session or two. With Andy’s help, Mark was able to tell his parents that he wanted to be free to make his own mistakes and learn from them. Mark was so pleased with the reasonable compromise he and his parents negotiated with Andy’s help that he felt much happier and stronger than he had in a long time. His parents were true partners in therapy, and his therapist helped Mark make the most of the partnership.

Of course, sometimes, for any number of reasons, those invited to participate in your therapy session may not want to participate. They might believe you have unresolved anger toward them and fear a confrontation, or they don’t feel that their point of view will be heard. Or they may simply feel that you are the one with the problem and not them. Some people might just not feel comfortable with the idea of therapy and are afraid of the outcome. There are many reasons significant others in your life might not want to join you in a session. Sometimes they will come to therapy sessions for reasons that might not be very productive. They might come in order to show that they are right and you are wrong, and that any problems in the relationship are because of you.

No one can be forced to participate in therapy unless by court order. If the relationship is highly contentious, yet is an important relationship in your life, you may have to accept the fact that for now that person won’t participate. In this case your therapist should help you develop coping skills that can carry you through the relationship until it is ready to become “unstuck.”

Other, more impersonal partners in therapy could include an employer, a spiritual advisor, a medical doctor, or another type of therapist. These people, while usually on the peripheral of your personal life, are nonetheless often an important part of your life. The ways in which they can partner in your therapy are numerous. For example, your employer could be asked to give you extra time off to accomplish therapeutic goals. You may want to give your therapist permission to talk about your situation with your spiritual advisor or have a different reason for another person’s involvement.

Adapted from Therapy Revolution: Find Help, Get Better, and Move On (HCI)

Of course, sometimes a person might not be  ready or able to assume intensive responsibility for his or her own life in a shorter time frame. He may not even want to leave therapy, even though otherwise ready. In this case, much of the therapist’s focus should be on helping to motivate a person to become self-sufficient.

In general, your therapist must have the skills necessary to motivate you to participate in every important facet of therapy —including getting ready to leave therapy. It is rarely fair for a therapist to say, “The patient doesn’t want to change; he’s not motivated; there is nothing psychotherapy can do for him.” In fact, a therapist must do his best to motivate reluctant, recalcitrant, and resistant patients, or send them to a therapist who is able to do so.

(Of course, sometimes a patient will be mandated to therapy and may be extremely unmotivated to engage in therapy, to the point of refusal. In that case, I recommend therapists consult with more experienced practitioners for guidance.)

If we remember that an outcome of therapy (and a goal) is to help you live an independent, meaningful, and even joyful life, then preparing to leave therapy is integral to the therapy process. I believe laying the foundation for this future transition starts the moment therapy begins.

Laying the Foundation for More Effective, Shorter-term Therapy

For therapy patients, the foundational first steps of therapy in most cases are:

1. You learn how to cope with the challenges therapy may present by building coping skills and strategies.
2. Refining, strengthening, clarifying, and if truly necessary, modifying your foundational beliefs.
3. Gaining trust in your therapist by developing a relationship with him or her.

So if therapy begins with helping you learn some basic coping skills, exploring yourbelief system, and then, if necessary, digging up and exposing “root problems,” past or present, won’t it take much longer than just plunging in right away?

Yes, but this is what can be called the “longer-shorter path”; that is, proceeding step-by-(logical)-step, while aiming for a more comprehensive solution. In my experience, this path, which at first seems lengthy, is in the end far, far shorter. It will prevent repetition of clinical courses of treatment in the long run.

The prospect of therapy—truly effective therapy—can seem daunting. But I want to emphasize that despite all the hard work psychotherapy entails, it shouldn’t (and doesn’t) have to take years. In fact, today many therapists are against therapy taking a long time in most cases. Most people can make inroads into understanding themselves better and changing their behavior, feelings, and thoughts in a year or less—if their therapist knows how to help them. He must help them learn the requisite coping skills and refine their basic belief system before moving into the realms of exploring the past and, more important, in most cases, the present, as they prepare for the future.

This post was an adaptation of information in Therapy Revolution: Find Help, Get Better and Move On (Without Wasting Time or Money)

Therapists can be wrong.

They can make mistakes, even big ones and these mistakes can have  consequences.

Diagnoses can be challenging to make. We know that a diagnosis is helpful for classification purposes, it can help decide a course of treatment. Insurance companies generally demand one. And specialists who devote their careers to one area of mental illness can often become experts in successful treatment.

But it isn’t always easy to get an accurate diagnosis, DSM or not. Bi-polar disorder can be confused with borderline personality disorder or depression. Some physical illnesses may lead to symptoms of depression and/or cause depression. Personality disorders may be difficult to isolate as some patients might not accurately and honestly portray the signs and symptoms. Addiction may not be disclosed and may lead to misdiagnosis.

Like all fields of knowledge, mental health is imperfect and we must be tolerant when genuinely compassionate experts with real training, skills, and knowledge err on challenging cases. But sometimes with even just minor care and concern, serious errors are preventable, as in the following case, excerpted from our book, Therapy Revolution: Find Help, Get Better, and Move On (HCI.)

Denise, an editor of a scholarly journal, is from Boston. She entered therapy in order to work on fighting the inertia she felt after the break up of her marriage. She wanted to find a new relationship and explore career options, but hesitated to make the effort because of the sadness the divorce triggered in her.

Therapy had helped her brother cope with some problems, so she thought she should give it a try. Lori, her newfound therapist was personable and caring, but after only the most cursory evaluation never bothered to create a treatment plan with Denise.  After a few sessions, Lori began to ask Denise more and more questions about her childhood, which Denise felt was really going off track, but still Denise hesitated to confront her. Several months later Lori was telling Denise that she needed to work on her anger issues, and that the grief she felt over the break up of her marriage was really disguised anger.

When Denise, an honest individual expressed puzzlement at this proclamation, the therapist told her that Denise repeatedly mentioned her anger and even rage during their first couple of sessions and had specifically asked to work on these issues.

Denise insisted she never said any such thing.  She remembered specifically that she told Lori she was somewhat sad and disappointed. Yet, Lori kept on insisting she did mention anger.

Finally, after three more sessions spent in fruitless back and forth disagreement Denise decided that she wanted to see another therapist. She came to a colleague of mine who, after a comprehensive evaluation, worked on a treatment plan with Denise which focused on addressing her lingering (though minor) sadness (not depression), and her desire for a new career. Denise now had a written treatment plan. Both Denise and her new therapist were able, with quite a bit of accuracy, to remember why Denise entered therapy in the first place.

Without harping on the importance of the treatment plan (you can read about it often in the Therapy Soup blog) it’s obvious that this therapist wasn’t listening and/or wasn’t taking accurate notes. Listening is among the most important skills a therapist can have. It isn’t easy–actively listening to clients isn’t a passive activity–it’s hard work.

Everyday therapy patients are given compassionate, effective care by therapists around the world. If you’re a therapist and you make an error, own up and try to rectify it. Listen to what your patient says, sometimes, and if a patient says they are feeling sad, don’t always assume it’s anger, or depression, or a disorder. To paraphrase, sometimes sadness is just sadness.

Baseball 55 wrote: I know a woman who always complains about this ***  she encountered and that *** she encountered. I finally asked her, why is it that you encounter all these *** and I never do?

She had no idea what I meant. I explained to her that she was often needlessly provocative and argumentative. But she just couldn’t see it. She just thought she was right and others were wrong, so got caught up in a lot of conflict. I find it sad. While it’s true that this may be her “comfort zone,” it makes her unhappy and angry most of the time. And deprives her of friends. I know, I just can’t deal with her anymore.

In other words, Baseball 55 confirms that in this particular experience, he notices that a former friend is always spoiling for a fight–and that’s what she gets.

But Doly Garcia has an interesting point.

She writes: Very true. But on the other hand, some people have settled into living their life with a certain amount of conflict they are comfortable with. Not everybody has the same level of dislike for conflict. So it may not be lack of awareness of the mirror effect – it may be somebody settling in their comfort zone.

Doly’s comment really makes an interesting point, which rather confirms the post–Not everybody has the same level of dislike for conflict. Okay, so if you kind of like conflict or conflict is habitual for you, then you’ll find yourself in conflicts. True.

But we do have to ask: Is conflict always bad? Are there times where it can even be beneficial?

I used to think so, but in terms of my personal life, the older I get, the more I’m willing to forgo my desires for peace. On the other hand, where would we be without conflict?

There are a few reasons for conflict that I believe are valid. However, because they are extremely open to interpretation depending on one’s understanding of the terms and personal experience, they can be a slippery slope, as in “one person’s freedom fighter is another person’s terrorist.”

(I put in a very few examples after the types of conflict, there are many more. Omissions don’t constitute invalidation, so feel free to add your own in the comments):

Wars of self-defense. (World War 2, Six Day War)

Sticking up for those who can’t speak for or protect themselves. (Legal fights to protect babies, children, or the elderly. Legal fights for the cognitively disabled, etc.)

Righting a wrong. (Civil rights movement, reparations for stolen property such as from World War 2, changing a law that people believe is harmful, etc.)

Wars of Liberation/War for Rights. (American Revolution, French Revolution, War of 1812, American Civil War, etc.)

But even when fighting the good fight, keeping the fight “clean” prevents another slippery slope.

The End Justifies the Means

Attributed to Macchiavelli (he didn’t write those words, but the concept is embedded in The Prince), the idea is basically that if you do something underhandedly but it achieves a good outcome, then it is okay. For example, if a member of Congress cheats to win an election but she’s going to help the people in her district, then her dishonesty is okay, and is even validated.

For most of us, this argument is full of holes.

First, who gets to determine whether or not the help she gives is what’s needed? Second, if she’s willing to lie and cheat, then she’s going to use that tactic again. Third, in this particular case, cheating the voters (which is what cheating in an election boils down to) harms them, so any subsequent help can be seen as illegitimate or insincere.

It’s all to easy to say, “I’ll be underhanded, cheat, lie, accept bribes, etc. just this once because it will lead to a good outcome.” Those acts are not victimless crimes. It’s like robbing a bank and handing the money out to people you believe are deserving or needy.

Now, I admit the above is obvious. I’m really not moralizing, just extending the conflict question. I instinctively feel there is a relationship. It’s about truth.

The opposite of “the end justifies the means” was taught by Rebbe Nachman of Breslov, who said: If you want to win, if victory is more important than anything, you will have difficulty accepting–and living with–the truth.

It’s not worth losing one’s truth, one’s honesty, and the bigger truth in order to win a fight. It damages the soul. It’s not worth fighting dirty.

*** stands in for a term you can read in the original comments here.

More is being discovered about how a seemingly conscienceless alienating parent abuses their children and targets the other parent, usually (but not always) as the result of a toxic divorce. We are learning how their narcissism binds their alienated child to them. We see how this affects the target parent, the one who’s nearly lost (or completely lost) his/her child through alienation. Today, those in the mental health field have quite a bit of insight into the effects of alienation on children when they are young.

What does a child experience during alienation?*

Although not every tactic is used by every alienating parent, a common tactic is putting a child under pressure to choose between the target parent or the alienating parent, often by masquerading as the victim of the other parent’s “evil deeds” (which are often projection by the alienating parent). In order to side with “good over evil” the child must choose the alienating parent.

Another tactic is telling the child if they choose the other parent, they’ll never be able to see the alienating parent again. The alienating parent might emotionally blackmail the child saying they won’t love the child anymore if they aren’t the only one chosen. For a child, almost nothing is more terrifying then the idea of a parent not loving them. It puts the child in a kind of “Sophie’s Choice” bind, giving them a terrible power inappropriate to their age (or any age.)

Alienating parents can limit or even cut off the child from the other parent. The term “amputating parent” as been used to describe what the parent does overall but is particularly apt in this instance. This can be done a number of ways, either by the above tactic of making this the child’s choice, or by sabotaging visits with the other parent.

One case study shows that an alienating parent called the police on numerous occasions when her ex-husband came for his visitations with his children, claiming he was a dangerous stranger that was attempting to kidnap her children or otherwise harm them. This same parent eventually moved out of the region, leaving no forwarding address, effectively kidnapping the children herself.

Alienating parents might do the same to extended family as well, ensuring the children never know their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

They might create strict rules at home that require no one ever mention the other parent. Presents and birthday cards will be thrown out before the child sees them, or photos of the other parent may go missing, as if the other person never lived.

They often have inappropriate conversations with the child about adult relationships and other adult topics, creating a de facto confidant out of the child, in a bizarre, often untruthful confessional relationship. They might lie about the other parent being violent or otherwise dangerous.

They may move (even more than once) to ensure that they can create a new persona and invent a new, false personal history. If family, colleagues, friends, and community witnessed the other parent being a good parent (or even a middling-one) then those people may be discarded, unless they are willing to support the alienating parent in their abuse.

But where are grown-up children of parental alienation holding?

What happens once they gain autonomy and no longer are controlled by the alienating parent? Is there a way they are able to be reached?

Some stories don’t seem to offer much hope: I Am A Daughter of A Mother Who Alienated Me From My Father, Erasing Him From My Life…

Amy Baker and others advise that the alienated parent allows the child to take the lead in terms of discussing the alienation, but that they should be there for the child and just do their best to remain a steady presence.

But what if the child has been kidnapped or otherwise totally cut off from the target parent. Must the parent wait until the adult child contacts them? Should the parent instead contact the child?

Counselors don’t necessarily agree about how target parents who have been completely cut off, should proceed. Many parents have been able to locate their now adult child or children (today it isn’t hard, online searches are helpful). Whether or not to reach out to the alienated adult child seems up for grabs, with logic and emotion vying for priority.

I have to reach out, even though I know my son has been totally brainwashed against me. If I don’t, I’ll never forgive myself. 

How can I contact my girls when they were kidnapped and now have spent over 20 years being taught that I was an evil villain? Even my [clerical adviser] says I should stay away until (hopefully) they will contact me. But what if they never do? What if the damage is permanent?

I am afraid to contact my son. My ex-wife has convinced him that I physically abused him when he was an infant and I am evil incarnate to him. I’m afraid if I contact him, he’ll call the police.

Every time I saw my children when they were adolescents they cursed at me, calling me every filthy name in the book. I know my ex taught them this, but I feel I just don’t have the fortitude to face another barrage of abuse. I tried dozens of times, but the results were the same. At what point do I settle for loving them from afar?

The damage isn’t confined to the children and target parents. New spouses, siblings (half or full), and extended family are also often victims.

From a spouse of a target parent: My heart is split in two. As a loving wife I want my husband to have a relationship with his almost adult children. Yet I see how his ex has prevented him from having a relationship with them. She lied to her new friends that he abandoned them and never gave her any support when she was the one who left the state. The truth is that child support has been and will continue to be withdrawn from every paycheck until they are 21 (which they nearly are.)The children themselves tell people they don’t have a father. Do I encourage him or do I just watch and wait?

From a grandmother: They left town with my granddaughters and I never saw them again. They all broke my heart. I wonder if they even remember me. I logically know the kids are the victims, and of course my kid is too, but my gut says aren’t my granddaughters themselves in any way responsible to find out the truth? 

We are still learning about adult children who were victims of parental alienation. Can the damage be undone? See more Therapy Soup blogs on this important topic.

Heartbreak and Hope with Dr. Bernet

Video Expert Opinion

Video Opinion

*Many of the items on this list can be found in Amy Baker’s seminal work, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome. (Based on interviews with 40 adults who believe that, when they were children, they were turned against one parent by the other.)

CR writes: 

The truth is, she really was a target of their outrage. Some of this happened on social media, some via phone. It was because they were associating her with a concept they are against.

It was painful to hear about this because it hurt her, and I didn’t want her to be hurt.

Yet, at the same time I’ve known her for years, and I’ve heard many times her knee-jerk attack of others for their beliefs, affiliations, and so on. Even in the same phone call she used a term I consider derogatory about men (a kind of “us-against-them” term.)

I tried gently to explain this, but because I didn’t want to hurt her I wasn’t sure how direct to be. After all, none of us is perfect.

But this is something that comes up time and again, in everyone’s life.

It is often referred to as the law of attraction.

People like to use that term for the positive. But it can be much harder to see the reflection in the mirror when it isn’t so positive.

Stereotype others–don’t be surprised if you are stereotyped.

Forget to give others the benefit of the doubt–don’t be surprised when people assume the worst of you.

Condemn people for their deeply held beliefs–well, it will happen to you, too.

There is a mirror and it reflects back to us.

Can we be attacked even if we don’t attack?

Yes we can. There are other reasons we can be the object of scorn, derision, or abuse.

Sometimes taking an unpopular, politically incorrect stand can lead to people ganging up on you.

But I’ve found something valuable over the years, something that I’ve really come to rely on for self-improvement: The conflicts in my life are usually (but perhaps, not always) the result of how much conflict I’m willing to engage in. The more tolerant I am, the more tolerance is mirrored back to me. Well, at least most of the time.

No one is perfect.

We all have things we find intolerable, deplorable, or unpleasant. Deciding how we address these things–through aggression and anger, through tolerance and compromise; and when necessary for our sanity, through withdrawal, is worth thinking about.