“Real love is a pilgrimage. It happens when there is no strategy, but it is very rare because most people are strategists.”
        — Anita Brookner

“Virtue is praised but hated. People run away from it, for it is ice-cold and in this world you must keep your feet warm.”
        — Denis Diderot

“You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.”
        — Barbara DeAngelis

Ah — love — the walks over soft grass, the smiles over candlelight, the arguments over just about everything else.
        — Max Headroom

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
        — Homer Simpson

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love
        — Albert Einstein

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
        — Benjamin Franklin

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
        — David Bissonette

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
        — Woody Allen

If I love you, what business is it of yours?
        — Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
        — Lily Tomlin

If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
        — Alan King

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.
        — Lord Byron

Words of Wisdom:

• Nothing is inaccessible to mortals.
• The best way out is always through.
• A good archer is not judged by his arrows but by his aim.
• Nothing easier than to be applauded by the mob.
• He who trusts any shows little discretion and common sense: that of nobody trusts have shown even less.
• M�tense to want to please everyone, which is impossible, and come to offend everyone, which is easier.
• Alabat, basket, that I sell.
• Something will have water when they bless.
• Ande yo caliente people laugh.
• A troubled waters, fishermen gain.

The post Funny Love Quotes appeared first on Thequote.

People will frighten you about a graduation….They use words you don’t hear often… “And we wish you Godspeed.” It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.
        — Bill Cosby

I will try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a prospective commencement speaker. “Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake” he said. “They need you in order to have the party, but no one expects you to say very much.”
        — Anthony Lake

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.
        — Robert Orben

Your families are extremely proud of you. You can’t imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.
        — Gary Bolding

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
        — Doug Larson

It was only when I finished the course and left my graduation diploma on the bus that I realised I’d become an actor.
        — James D’arcy

Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.
        — Garry Trudeau

One thing about the school of experience is that it will repeat the lesson if you flunk the first time.
        — Source Unknown

I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at 4:00 in the afternoon, I’d be a college graduate today.
        — George Foreman

If you feel that you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed you.
        — Robert Goheen

You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.
        — Proverb

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught.
        — Oscar Wilde

Of course there’s a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don’t take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.
        — A. Lawrence Lowell

Your families are extremely proud of you. You can’t imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.
        — Gary Bolding

Words of Wisdom:

• The sea, by its nature, be still and quiet if the winds do not stirred and troubled. In the same way the people would be quiet and docile if not seditious speakers and removed it and shake.
• I think people, when is intelligent and completely normal, do not pretend being rare and strange, because the absurd invented.
• Falsehood and dissimulation are useful in social life. I have this condition had not, and I think that not having one has hurt me more than anything else. I was also slightly injured when dealing with friends and strangers, not having solemnly.
• Stark contrast between the crackle of fire in its beginning and peace of ash.
• The lives of the rich are ultimately as boring and monotonous, simply because they can choose what is to happen. They are bored because they are omnipotent … The thing which keeps life romantic and full of fiery possibilities is the existence of such vulgar major limitations that require us all to face the things we like and do not expect.
• The modern ability not to hide the emotion, but in affect it.
• The fundamental psychological truth is that no man is a hero to his valet. The fundamental psychological truth, the foundation of Christianity is that no man can be a hero to himself.
• A youth can be kept continually thinking of vice in the disease. It can be kept constantly in mind the Virgin Mary. You will be able to discuss which of the two methods is more reasonable, or even what is most effective. But there can be no argument about which is the healthiest.
• I always put on a diet, just like every week I quit.
• Latos is what takes away the loneliness and not give us company.

The post Funny Graduation Quotes appeared first on Thequote.

A friend you have to buy won’t be worth what you pay for him.
        — George D. Prentice

A friend you have to buy; enemies you get for nothing.
        — Jewish Proverb

A home-made friend wears longer than one you buy in the market.
        — Austin O’Malley

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes.
        — Doug Larson

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
        — Bernard Meltzer

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.
        — Arnold H. Glasgow

All things being equal, people will do business with a friend; all things being unequal, people will still do business with a friend.
        — Mark Mccormack

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
        — Abraham Lincoln

Don’t abuse your friends and expect them to consider it criticism.
        — Edgar Watson Howe

Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs.
        — George Chapman

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
        — Arthur Bloch

Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.
        — Oscar Wilde

Words of Wisdom:

• The Army’s role is not to educate the public on political issues.
• A child prodigy is someone who knows as much as most children.
• The secrecy was born before the light of men.
• I see no logical reject data because they seem incredible.
• There is no heavier than a human being who has great potential.
• He who seeks to coerce me to do this because your reasons are strong, but really it does because they are weak.
• If a man is tempted by a murder, shortly after the robbery thinks does not matter, and the theft goes to drink and not respecting the Sabbath, and this happens to the negligence of manners and dereliction of duty.
• The smallest fly irritates the most terrible lion.
• Debate is masculine, conversation is feminine.
• Generous souls are docile.

The post Funny Friendship Quotes appeared first on Thequote.

A fool at forty is a fool indeed.
        — Edward Young

A man of sixty has spent twenty years in bed and over three years in eating.
        — Arnold Bennett

After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
        — Bette Midler

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
        — Tom Stoppard

At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; and at 40 the judgment.
        — Ben Franklin

At age 50, everyone has the face he deserves.
        — George Orwell

Birthdays? yes, in a general way;
For the most if not for the best of men:
You were born (I suppose) on a certain day:
So was I: or perhaps in the night: what then?
        — James Kenneth Stephen

Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
        — Moe, from the Simpsons

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
        — George Bernard Shaw

Words of Wisdom:

• All roads lead to Rome.
• He who kills iron to iron dies.
• Not for long until you reach it early.
• The accounts clear and chocolate thick.
• The walls have ears.
• The truisms, which called closed fist hand.
• It does not hurt that abounds.
• What you must not eat, let it cook.
• Duels are less with bread.
• Hand in hand, as a woman of clerk

The post Funny Birthday Quotes appeared first on Thequote.

A boy’s story is the best that is ever told.
        — Charles Dickens

A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
        — Unknown Author

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
        — Robert Frost

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
        — Rodney Dangerfield

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
        — H. L. Mencken

A good rule of thumb is, if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
        — Dennis Miller

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
        — Gloria Steinem

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. “What do you mean?” responded her mother. “Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another.”
        — Unknown Author

Words of Wisdom:

• The individual has always struggled to avoid being absorbed by the tribe. If you try, you will be alone often and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high for the privilege of being oneself.
• I was furious not to have shoes, then met a man who had no feet, and felt happy about myself.
• Better than pretty ugly, good and evil.
• So nothing that nothing separates us one.
• The words are full of falsehood or of art, the watch is the language of the heart.
• Let me just a little about myself so you can call you my all.
• Getting married is fine. No marriage is better.
• No tree that the wind has not shaken.
• Six honored servers taught me everything I know, their names are how, when, where, why, who and why.
• I lost my little drop of dew!, Says the flower to the morning sky, which has lost all its stars.

I work until beer o’clock.
        — Stephen King talking about his writing day, Time – October 6, 1986

Tony Blair is like an actor who doesn’t really believe in his script himself, but has the incredible skill to make everyone else believe in it.
        — Tom Conti

A boy’s story is the best that is ever told.
        — Charles Dickens

A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
        — Unknown Author

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
        — Robert Frost

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
        — Rodney Dangerfield

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
        — H. L. Mencken

A good rule of thumb is, if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
        — Dennis Miller

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
        — Gloria Steinem

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. “What do you mean?” responded her mother. “Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another.”
        — Unknown Author

The post Cute Funny Quotes appeared first on Thequote.

Enjoy the quotes!
 

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~Albert Einstein

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, “Outside the Dog Museum”

A hundred hearts would be too few
To carry all my love for you.
~Author Unknown

The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them. ~Stephen King

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ~Author Unknown

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. ~W. Somerset Maugham, A Writer’s Notebook, 1949

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves. ~John Bulwer

The most beautiful view is the one I share with you. ~Author Unknown

A bell is no bell ’til you ring it,
A song is no song ’til you sing it,
And love in your heart
Wasn’t put there to stay –
Love isn’t love
‘Til you give it away.
~Oscar Hammerstein, Sound of Music, “You Are Sixteen (Reprise)”

Grow old with me! The best is yet to be. ~Robert Browning

For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
~Rosemonde Gerard

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. ~Author Unknown

Love – a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown

You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. ~Author Unknown

Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts. ~Author Unknown

You know when you have found your prince because you not only have a smile on your face but in your heart as well. ~Author Unknown

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. ~Oprah Winfrey

Rosemonde Gerard
For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

King Henry VIII
I beseech you now with all my heart definitely to let me know your whole mind as to the love between us…

Anonymous
If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.

Herman Hesse
If I know what love is, it is because of you.

Anonymous
For hearing my thoughts, understanding my dreams and being my best friend… for filling my life with joy and loving me without end… I do.

Anonymous
I love you because I know you’re always there, there to catch me when I fall, there to listen when I need you, there when I feel alone.

Herbert Trench
Come, let us make love deathless.

Robert Browning
So, fall asleep love, loved by me… for I know love, I am loved by thee.

Robert Browning
Grow old along with me; the best is yet to be.

Pearl S. Buck
I love people. I love my family, my children… but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that’s where you renew your springs that never dry up.

Rosemonde Gerard
For you see, each day I love you more
Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

King Henry VIII
I beseech you now with all my heart definitely to let me know your whole mind as to the love between us…

Anonymous
If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.

Herman Hesse
If I know what love is, it is because of you.

Anonymous
For hearing my thoughts, understanding my dreams and being my best friend… for filling my life with joy and loving me without end… I do.

Anonymous
I love you because I know you’re always there, there to catch me when I fall, there to listen when I need you, there when I feel alone.

Herbert Trench
Come, let us make love deathless.

Robert Browning
So, fall asleep love, loved by me… for I know love, I am loved by thee.

Robert Browning
Grow old along with me; the best is yet to be.

Pearl S. Buck
I love people. I love my family, my children… but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that’s where you renew your springs that never dry up.

The post Crush and Love Quotes appeared first on Thequote.

So you can use sad love quotes to understand and share your feelings more, and also find help and hope in them for your broken heart.

But remember, no matter what happens, you still have the future and time will solve everything.

So here are some beautiful deep sad brealk up love quotes for you…
 

“Never say goodbye when you still want to try.
Never give up when you still feel you can take it.
Never say you don’t love a person when you can’t let go.”

~ Dons ~

Say I love you and mean it,
don’t just say it cause you can.

“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.”

~ Ingrid Bergman~

Love Quotation

“I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up.”

~ Barbara Bush~

Cute Quote

“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.”

~Anonymous~

” The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.”
Unknown

” I wonder, when you look into my eyes and watch my heart shatter, does it break your heart too, even crack it a little bit?”
Unknown

” Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.”
Unknown

” You’ve never felt pain until you’ve felt love.”
Unknown

” The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don’t love you back.”
Unknown

” When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.”
Unknown

” Sometimes you think you’ve gotten over a person, but when you see him smile you suddenly realize you’re just pretending you’re over him to ease the pain of knowing that he will never be yours.”
Unknown

A teardrop is insignificant in a pool of water, but it can touch the soul as it runs down someone’s face.

1. Kahlil Gibran
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

2. William Butler Yeats
Hearts are not had as a gift, But hearts are earned…
3. Anonymous
The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you.
4. Tennessee Williams
There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.
5. Samuel Butler
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.
6. Toni Braxton
How could an Angel break my heart? Why didn’t he catch my falling star? I wish I didn’t wish so hard. Maybe I wished our love apart.
7. Charlie Brown
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
8. Vanessa Williams
You wondered how you’d make it through. I wondered what was wrong with you. Because how could you give your love to someone else, yet share your dreams with me? Sometimes the only thing you’re looking for, is the one thing you can’t see.
9. Herman Hesse
Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.
10. Anais Nin
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.
 

The post Sad Break Up Love Quotes appeared first on Thequote.

Enjoy these stupid funny quotes…

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
— Albert Einstein

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
— Albert Einstein

I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil.
— Uri Geller

In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity.
— Konrad Adenauer

More Stupid Funny Quotes

Enjoyed the above stupid quotes and funny sayings? Then feel free to share them with your friends to make them laugh and have a great time too. Also here are more funny crazy, weird, and amusing quotes for you…

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
— Brian Pickrell

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
— Frank Zappa

A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
— Bertrand Russell

Most fools think they are only ignorant.
— Benjamin Franklin

Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

“I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.”
Short funny quotes by, Albert Einstein

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
Short funny quotes by, Dean Martin

The post Stupid Funny Quotes appeared first on Thequote.

So here you can find many free cute funny quotes about life, love, men and women, and more. Enjoy!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

“I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.”
Short funny quotes by, Albert Einstein

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
Short funny quotes by, Dean Martin

“If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.”
Short funny quotes by, Tommy Lasorda

“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
Short funny quotes by, Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Ninety percent of the game is half mental.”
Short funny quotes by, Jim Wohford

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

More Cute Funny Quotes

Enjoyed the funny quotes above? Then you are going to have even more fun checking out these new cute humorous quotes. Feel free to share them with your friends and colleagues. Enjoy!

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,”
Calvin.

“Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?” Hobbes.
Calvin and Hobbes.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.”
Albert Einstein

“Marriage is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.”
Lisa Hoffman.

“Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”
Anonymous.

“A rich man’s joke is always funny.”
Proverb.

You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

“If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.”
Rush Limbaugh.

“Summer is the season when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill than his wife can on an indoor stove.”
Anonymous.

“Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.”
Finley Peter Dunne.

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”
Bill Cosby

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
Albert Einstein

“Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.”
Short funny quotes, Anonymous.

“Half of the people in the world are below average.”
Short funny quotes, Anonymous.

“If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!”
Yogi Berra.

“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill.

“Of all the things that tax a man’s patience, there’s nothing to compare with a stuck zipper.”
Anonymous.

“A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.”
Ronald Reagan

“Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself.” – after being told he looked cool.
Yogi Berra

“I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!” -Homer J. Simpson Yogi Berra

“If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.”
John Kenneth Galbraith.

“A great many people have a soldier’s stomach – everything they eat goes to the front.”
Anonymous.

“I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.”
Johathan Raban.

“A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.”
Anonymous.

The post Cute Funny Quotes appeared first on Thequote.

So enjoy these new, free funny marriage quotes…

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
— Shelley Winters

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.
— Burt Reynolds

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
— Gloria Steinem

The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.
— Colleen McCullough

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

“A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.” -Unknown

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
-Rodney Dangerfield

More Funny Marriage Quotes

Enjoyed the funny quotes, jokes, and sayings above? Then you are also going to enjoy these new and updated famous quotes about marriage and family from funny famous people. Enjoy!

“Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.”
-Maryon Pearson

“They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.” -H.L. Mencken

“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” -Rodney Dangerfield

“No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.” -H.L. Mencken

“A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.” -Grace Hansen

My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.
— Michael Caine (Alfie, 1966)

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
— Dennis Leary

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
— Carrie Snow

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
— Unknown

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
— Mickey Rooney

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
— Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

Ogden Nash
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.

Bill Cosby
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

Patrick Murray
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Gloria Steinem
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
— Margaret Thatcher

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.
— Dick Van Dyke

For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.
— Pablo Picasso

All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.
— Miguel De Cervantes

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
— Marcel Achard

Women: Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
— Sean Williamson

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
— Gloria Steinem

You don’t know a women till you’ve met her in court.
— Norman Mailer

More Funny Marriage Quotes

Enjoyed the funny quotes, jokes, and sayings above? Then you are also going to enjoy these new and updated famous quotes about marriage from funny famous people. Enjoy!

“If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.”
-Lawrence Housman

“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.” -Marion Smith

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” -Barbra Streisand

“My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they’ll never get all the pennies out of the pot.” -Armistead Maupin

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” -Erma Bombeck

“I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.” -Lewis Grizzard

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” -James Holt McGavran

Agatha Christie
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Milton Berle
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Henry Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Joyce Brothers
My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.

Homer
There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.

Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Ogden Nash
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.

Lord Byron
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.

Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Katharine Hepburn
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead… get married.

Joyce Brothers
Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.

George Lichtenberg
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.”

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.

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