What is life, without the pursuit of a dream? - Vanilla Sky

Article written by BridgeMaker contributor Alex Fayle of Someday Syndrome.

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The United States celebrates Thanksgiving at the end of the month. Supposedly, it’s the holiday with the most travel – even more than Christmas. People crisscross the country to share the holiday with family.

It’s a time to connect, catch up and enjoy each other’s company (plus, according to Hollywood, have huge emotional blowouts). With all this travel, it’s obvious that families don’t stay put. They move around. A lot.

Yet when I told people that I was selling my house in Toronto and moving to France (then Spain), I often heard “I’d love to do that, but I have kids” or “I can’t right now because my parents are getting older.” I’ve also talked to people who have considered giving up a dream to move closer to family not because they want to but because they feel they had to.

I’m all for strong family connections and for being (emotionally) close, but far too often people will use family as an excuse to not do something that scares them, or that they feel should be a dream, but really isn’t.

If everyone had had this attitude world geography would look quite different and countries wouldn’t need immigration policies because there wouldn’t be any immigration.

People pick up and move their families all the time, and for the whole of human history people have moved away from family and not just survived, but thrived.

So, why do people say that they couldn’t possibly get up and go because of family obligations?

I see four reasons:
1. I think my family is too weak to handle the experience
2. My extended family would fall apart if I move away
3. I don’t really want to do what I say I want to do
4. I’m afraid for the future and afraid of death

Weak Family

When someone says “I would travel more, but I don’t want to disrupt my children’s lives” it’s like they think their children are fragile creatures unable to adapt and thrive in a wide variety of situations. Millions of families each year pick up and move somewhere different, whether it’s out of necessity, for work, or by desire.

There’s a whole set of families that don’t just live in one place and their children don’t need years of therapy to recover from the experience. Human beings were once highly nomadic, always on the move. It’s in our genes.

You don’t think your family is somehow less equipped to handle traveling than the majority of the human race, do you?

The Family Hub

When I was considering moving from Ontario to southern Europe, my relationship with my parents and my siblings came close to stopping me. At the time I was single and I had no children. My brother and sister both had spouses and kids. Over the years it had sort of fallen on me that I would be the one to take care of my parents when they got older. My siblings were happy to do it, but since I had no kids, it just seemed to make sense.

But then I asked myself who I was living for? Was it for me or for my parents?

I made the move across the ocean because I realized the family did not revolve around me. And this past January that point was proven when my mother had a serious bout of pneumonia and my brother and sister stepped up and did what they needed to help her.

A good friend of mine is a single child and chose over a decade ago to leave her single mother behind and move to Newfoundland. And instead of trying to convince her not to go, her mother encouraged her.

So remember – this is your life, not the life of your family. Make the choices that are best for you and family will cope.

All Talk No Action

I understand this concept intimately. I’m a talker. I love to explore ideas, to try on new futures with my words but I often have no intention of following through.

The verbal exploration is enough. For example, recently I’ve been dreaming about going to try out living somewhere else, as I talked about last month in my Change Junkie post. So, if I met someone who was going to move to Italy, I’d likely say:

Oh, wow, that’s so cool. I’ve always wanted to go live there.

That person would probably ask:

So why don’t you?

And I would tell them in a state of total self-awareness that I’m just blowing smoke. The words have no substance to them. The idea of living in Italy is totally awesome, but given the direction I’ve chosen for my life at the moment, it’s highly unlikely it would happen.

Problems arise however when people don’t have that same level of self-awareness. They can’t make the distinction between pipe dreams and real desires. These people then act on none of their dreams because after talking so much they can’t distinguish reality from daydream and can’t recognize the dreams that they really do want to follow through on.

Fear of the Future

When people expressed their envy at my impending trans-Atlantic adventure, I asked them why they didn’t pursue whatever dream they were saying “someday” to. The most common response went something like this:

I um, well you know. It’s… I have a lot… my family is… um, I just can’t.

To that (at the time) I had no answer. These people, although they might have talked about dreams, weren’t ready to face them. The idea of making a major change in their life freaked them out too much and filled them with questions like:

• What if I don’t like what I change my life into
• What if I fail?
• What if I succeed? Do I deserve to be happy?

And many other similar questions.

Although at the time I had no answer, over the years since making the big leap, I’ve become fascinated by the reasons why not and by the fear that people fear about doing something they love.

And for that reason I started Someday Syndrome, helping people conquer that fear through stories about my own Someday Journey and through the journeys of other people.

It’s also why I write for sites such as The Bridgemaker because no one should look at their dreams and say “my family is… um, I just can’t.”

Alex Fayle, of Someday Syndrome, is a former procrastinator who uses his visionary ability to uncover hidden patterns and help you break the procrastination obstacle so that you can finally find freedom and start living the life you desire. Learn more about how you can start loving life again at SomedaySyndrome.com.

Don’t Use Family as an Excuse to Not Follow Your Dreams

The more elaborate our means of communication, the less we communicate. - Joseph Priestley

Article written by BridgeMaker contributor Ali Hale. Please visit her at Aliventures.com.

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The first time I was away from my family for more than a ten-day stretch was October 2003, when I started university. As a shy eighteen-year-old, I was very close to my family, and I was nervous about how I’d cope without them. Six years later, my brother’s graduated and has just started his first full-time job. My sister, the “baby” of the family, has started university as well.

In six years, we’ve gone from being a family of two parents and three kids/teens living at home, to being a group of five more-or-less independent adults. I’m not sure any of us have fully caught up. My mother felt she had to break the news to me, a couple of weeks ago, that she’d given away a set of dolls house figures that I’d never even played with. (It’s been almost fifteen years since the Great House Move Scandal, when my brother and I feared she’d given away our toy Lion and then found him in the attic …)

With any change, there are going to be times of tension. I’m a different person to that shy eighteen-year old: my siblings are similarly different. I’ve also found a little more maturity and perspective, and ability to appreciate all that my parents did for me as a kid and teen. And, unlike when we all lived in the same house, ate at the same table and went to the same church, we’re mostly off doing our own thing.

Something I’ve found crucial to maintaining strong relationships with my parents, siblings and grandparents, through these times of change, is keeping the lines of communication open.

How Do They Like To Talk?

I tend to communicate primarily by email and Twitter. However, I know that my family all have different ways that they prefer to stay in touch: none of them use Twitter, for a start.

• My siblings are both active on Facebook, and I tend to keep up with them there: I’ll see photos of what they’re up to (sometimes I’d rather not know!) and whenever I feel a little nostalgic, I can watch them bicker across Facebook.
• of my siblings will want to talk on the phone, generally.
• My mum and I like to chat on the phone. I usually talk to her a couple of times a week, and sometimes check in via email too. Dad will often chat too.
• My grandmothers love to get letters from me: I’ll write a letter every so often and generally put in a photograph or two.

Different people have different ways of communicating. Just because something feels natural and easy to you, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for everyone from your kid sister to your great-aunt Maud. For some folks, a phone call feels like an intrusion onto their time and space. For others, an email might seem cold.

What Do They Like To Talk About?

As well as how you communicate, keeping up good relationships with family members also means considering what you can or should communicate.

For me, this generally means finding common interests:

• My mum and I both write fiction, so this forms an instant talking point, as does my Creative Writing MA. We’re also both involved in leading children’s work at our churches.
• My dad runs his own business (it’s on a considerably large scale than mine!) and he’s often interested to hear how my entrepreneurial efforts are going.
• It seems like my brother and I have less in common than we used to as teens – but we both have an interest in personal development. We can’t talk politics or economics without arguing, though, so I try to steer clear of those!
• I’ll sometimes leave links on Facebook for my brother or sister, if I come across something they’d find interesting.

I find that in many cases, I have different opinions and views to my family members. I’m learning to live with this: we’ve all grown up with different interests and inclinations, and we all have a different take on life. Sometimes it makes for “robust” discussions around the dinner table when we’re all back home, but in general, we can celebrate our diversity as well as the many things we have in common.

In the sake of family harmony, it’s occasionally necessary to know when not to communicate – there’s nothing wrong with sometimes holding back on sharing your exact opinion!

I’d be interested to hear how others stay in touch with their family members, and it’d be great to have some opinions from those in different times of their life: I’m guessing that the next few decades will bring many shifts in my family’s structure, as my parents look towards retirement, and also as I look towards starting a family of my own…

Ali Hale is a freelance writer from London in the UK, and is currently taking an MA in creative writing. She writes for a number of sites, including her own Aliventures blog which focuses on getting more from life.

Keeping the Lines of Communication Open with Your Family

When you wish the world becomes brighter, so wish. - from a Starbucks coffee cup

Article written by Alex Blackwell. Connect with me on Facebook.

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I stopped by a Starbucks on my way to the office the other morning and was surprised, if not a little irritated, to see the coffee served in a holiday-themed cup. Red cup season has already started at Starbucks and Thanksgiving is still a few weeks away.

My irritation actually started a few days before when two adult-contemporary radio stations in the Kansas City area started playing Christmas music 24/7. I love Christmas and look forward to celebrating and sharing its traditions. But people, it’s only November 4! Let’s give the season time to get here first.

As I was standing at the counter adding some half & half and a couple Sugar In The Raw packets to my Venti Bold, I noticed several phrases were also printed on the cup. Withdrawing the wooden stirring stick, I held the cup closer to inspect the words. My irritation changed to delight. Inspiration had just completed a surprise attack on me and I didn’t even see it coming.

After returning to my car, I took a moment before jumping back into the day to absorb what this cup was telling me. The messages were simple ones, but can carry great weight if we allow their truths to shape and guide and lives:

I wish everyone could see how much we all have in common.

Rich or poor. Male or female. Black or white. It really doesn’t matter. We all feel, dream and love. Our paths to where we want to go may look different, but I think the journey feels the same.

We need to feel that the passion is real and know there is a purpose created for each of us. We need to know that what we are doing is making a difference. We need to rely on faith to pick us up when we feel discouraged.

We need to feel the touch of a tender kiss that tells us, “Everything is going to be OK,” even when we are afraid it is not. We want to leave this world a little better than how we found it. Yes, we do have much in common – and it is good to see.

When you wish the world becomes brighter, so wish.

Our ideas, our inspirations, make a difference. Everything we have comes from someone wishing for something a little better. Technology, medical research and even some of those $19.99 kitchen gadgets sold during 3:30 a.m. infomercials improve the quality of our lives. Wish for something today and see the world begin to change right before your eyes.

I wish for a snow day.

My children become television news junkies when the first snowflakes begin to fall. They listen for updated weather reports and, of course, wait for the latest school closings. Fortunately, their school district begins with the letter, “B.” Once announced, they rejoice and then set off to enjoy their unexpected day off.

We need snow days, too. These unplanned, unscripted days can serve as important ways to renew our spirit. One of the best things about being an adult is we don’t have to wish for snow to take a snow day. Pick a day in the middle of the week and trade your Outlook calendar for a day outside and enjoy the beauty that we are sometimes too busy to witness.

I wish grown ups could remember being kids.

Robert Fulghum got it right in his poem, All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten. As adults, we have the tendency to overcomplicate life. Living a rewarding life isn’t that difficult, but sometimes we can make it harder than it has to be.

Allow the kid inside of you to come out more. Allow him to experience the world with wonder and hope. Allow her to stop going through the motions and play – play like a kid; play like no one is watching.

I wish every day was a holiday.

While every day may not qualify to be an official holiday, every day can be special if we choose to see it that way. The present day is the only one that comes with a guarantee. Enjoy the day, enjoy the people who you share it with and celebrate every precious second in it. Wake up with the eagerness we had as children on Christmas day and rush out of bed to see the gifts waiting for us.

I wish for extra whipped cream.

A little something special is nice. Too often we limit ourselves, almost deprive ourselves, from asking for nice things in our lives. Where is it written that we have to settle for what we get, rather than asking for what we want and then feeling worthy to receiving it?

Less irritation and more inspiration

I inserted the key into the car’s ignition and placed the coffee in the cup holder next to my seat. The surprise attack had accomplished its mission. With my irritation lifted, I started the car and was ready to begin my day, but with a little more inspiration this time.

The purpose of the attack wasn’t to convince me that it’s too early to begin thinking of Christmas, but to remind me that when we open our eyes, inspiration can be found any time and in any place, even from a Starbucks coffee cup.

Image Credit: The image used in this article is courtesy of ohdearbarb.

Inspiration from a Starbucks Coffee Cup

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart. - Helen Keller

Article written by Alex Blackwell. Connect with me on Facebook.

You are beautiful. On the days when you struggle with self-confidence or don’t see what the rest of us see, please know this: You really are beautiful.

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When God created you He made you beautiful. Before you were conceived, there was a plan designed just for you. Part of that plan was not only where you would be born or what circumstances you would face in life, but also what you would look like – the shape of your body, the size of your ears and the color of your skin. And all of these things contribute to your unique beauty.

The following poem is a wonderful reminder that when we doubt our beauty, we can rely on the fact we were created for a reason:

You are who you are for a reason.
You’re part of an intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God’s special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb.
You’re just what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,
And they bear the Master’s seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you’d grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

by Russell Kelfer

Removing the coats

My self-image has been poor most of my life. When I was a boy, I disliked my curly hair. I wish it was straight like the other boys. I was also painfully aware of my speech impediment. My “Rs” were a source of shame. Words like “bird,” and “first” came out like “burd,” and “furst.”

I would think about each word before speaking, which caused me to stutter thus further exacerbating my insecurities. Simply put, I was not comfortable with how God made me. I thought I was damaged and that I did something wrong to deserve these things. I wished God made me better. I wished God made me more beautiful.

My sense of self was fragile at best. I felt isolated, abandoned and hopeless. My anger gradually turned inward and as a result, a depression has draped over me like an oversized coat for most of my life. Freedom comes when we find the strength to remove the heavy coat and allow the world see the beautiful colors underneath.

As a young adult I thought the key to removing the coat was to stay focused and determined to do so, no matter the cost. My intent was to find personal beauty as defined by me. I cut my hair short, consumed myself with my career, and made certain everything was in its place at all times.

Turning away from the natural beauty has had its consequences. It has kept me from loving me and it has kept me from loving others with a free and open heart. This impediment has resulted in having difficulty in seeing their natural beauty, too.

It is becoming clearer now how to begin removing this coat and to keep it from serving as a barrier, hiding my beautiful colors from others and from me.

There is no perfection in beauty

The obstacle that keeps me from seeing my full beauty is my mother’s spirit. She died seven months ago. Her ashes are in an ordinary container somewhere in my father’s house. A few weeks after she died her clothes and personal items were packed in boxes and either given to charity or thrown away. It’s as though her memory has been wiped away; except for somewhere in my soul. She still lives there.

God does pick the color of our eyes and He decides on our parents, too. All of these selections He does for a reason. When we look at our physical features and life experiences it can be difficult to always find the value in what He selected for us. For most of my life, I have been angry at God for what he has given me.

As a child not only did I have to tolerate the embarrassment of how I talked, but layered on top of that was the pain of living with an alcoholic parent. She ignored her beauty and could never acknowledge it. My mother covered it with bourbon and rum.

She made me into her beauty surrogate. My mother’s thought process, I assume, may have gone something like this: “The beauty I once felt about myself is gone. I don’t have the energy or passion to look for it. But Alex, my youngest, is a beautiful child. If I don’t damage him and keep him as perfect as possible then others will see the beauty in his perfection and understand he came from me; therefore making me beautiful in their eyes once again.”

From an early age I associated feeling beautiful with feeling perfect. The more I did to make sure I was doing everything right, I thought, would only enhance my beauty. And if I enhanced my beauty enough, then I might just be able to change my mother.

My mother never changed. But, I am changing.

I am beginning to understand that she did things for her benefit, not mine. The focus and attention she directed to me was an attempt to deflect the choices she was making. Now it’s time to give all of this back to my mother and not allow it to define my sense of beauty anymore. It’s time to continue finding the beautiful me and watch her spirit leave my soul and allow God to occupy more of it.

Take in the beauty

Each day I get to choose to find the beauty He has placed there. And on the days I’m not feeling particularly beautiful and struggling with poor self-esteem, these new habits will provide some relief and guidance:

Celebrate your flaws. My wide nose gives me a distinct look. My nose is part of what makes me uniquely Alex. Pick one attribute you don’t like and turn it in to something positive. Celebrate it and understand what you may consider a flaw is really a gift that has been given you to for a reason.

Watch negative self-talk. Be kind and positive to yourself. Change the cant’s to I haven’t yet learned. Pay more attention to what you are doing right and the beauty you create and less on what you don’t have, or think you should have.

Lift your head. You are not a mistake. What has happened to you has not been a mistake. Lift your head and understand, and really feel, you are here for a special purpose.

Do one thing to feel beautiful everyday. For me, it’s my commitment to working out and staying in shape. I enjoy seeing myself as lean, vibrant and to be honest, desirable.

Notice the beauty around you. When we take the time to see what’s beautiful in our lives, then we are in a better position to internalize that beauty and make it a part of our own. Notice the beautiful color of the changing leaves or the expression on your children’s faces when they learn something new. God puts beautiful things in plain view everyday; we just have to remember to open our eyes and take them in.

Finding the beautiful you

Winter will be here soon. In a few weeks my family will be pulling out the winter gloves, hats and coats. The cold weather in Kansas gives us no choice but to wrap up tight before heading outside. The season of spring and its promise of beautiful renewal is far away, but that doesn’t mean we can’t carry its spirit in our hearts today and every day.

What we wear on the outside is sometimes a matter of necessity, but how we feel on the inside makes all the difference in how we view ourselves and others around us. Underneath the experiences we had as children and the coats we wear to protect us from a seemingly cold and harsh world is our natural beauty – a beauty carefully architected for each of us.

With the grip of my mother slowly fading, I am finding the strength to remove the coats that have kept others from seeing my natural beauty. Anger is being replaced with hope and I am beginning to see the vibrant colors He placed in me and I’m finding the courage to share my colors for the world to see. This is something I have neglected for 47 years, but will no longer.

Finding the beautiful you is not about finding perfection with how you look, but in accepting you are who you are for a reason. Perfection is not required, only joy in celebrating your special brand of compassion, talent and beauty.

You really are beautiful. And, I am beautiful too.

Need Help?

You can now connect with Alex Blackwell at LivePerson.com to receive faith-based life advice, encouragement, and personal empowerment. You are welcome to reach out to Alex via telephone, chat or email to have a meaningful discussion about the issues you are facing right now.

All BridgeMaker readers receive the first 10 minutes free. Please mention “BridgeMaker” and receive ten minutes of life-changing advice at no charge.

Finding the Beautiful You

Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be. - George Sheehan

Article written by Alex Blackwell. Connect with me on Facebook.

Look deep. Are you doing the things you need to do on a consistent basis in order to get the results you want to get?

No matter if your goals are personal or professional in nature; there are four characteristics of success that will help you find what you are looking for in life. From becoming a better parent or spouse, to finding more success at work, these attributes provide a roadmap, a checklist, to help you achieve your goals, too.

1. Personal Accountability

“I do what I say because I said I would do it.” It all starts and ends with you. When you look into the mirror, do you like what you see? We can push away, hide, and even deny to others what we are thinking and doing, but we can never hide it for ourselves.

Personal accountability is not about perfection; it’s about effort. We can never be all things to all people, but we can be everything to ourselves. We can get up every morning with the attitude to focus on the things that will create a more successful and happier life and not to short-change or sabotage ourselves in the process.

Listen to your inner wisdom, your gut, to see if you are on track or not – 100% of the time your inner wisdom is right. You then have a choice to make. You can choose to rationalize why you are not seeing the results you had hope to gain or you can choose to be completely honest with yourself and make the necessary adjustments to get back on track.

2. Resiliency

Life will always throw you off balance. You will encounter setbacks when you were expecting success. It’s not a matter of “if” this will happen, it’s only a matter of “when.”

When disappointment and failure happens remember this: Our character is not defined by what happens to us, our character is defined by how we respond to what happens to us.

3. Interpersonal Skills

We do not live in a vacuum. Even though our journeys may be our own, we cannot ignore the other people on the road with us.

The ability to communicate, to ask questions of others who have achieved what you are seeking, to listen and to respond are all invaluable tools.

If you are seeking a more fulfilling relationship with your partner, then how well you relate to that person will determine the success, or failure, of that relationship.
Similarly, if you are looking for more career opportunities, then your ability to communicate your goals and accomplishments are critical.

Here’s a good strategy to remember in order to improve your interpersonal skills: Talk less and listen more. Think of the 80/20 rule. 80% of your time should be spent listening. It is in these moments you will come to realize the true expectations of your partner or your boss, for example. Once their expectations are clearly understood, you are in a better position to meet them.

4. Continuous Learning

The minute you stop learning you start to lose, or go backwards. In my life, I’m still learning how to be an effective parent and a supportive spouse. Too often, we get in the trap of saying, “I have learned how to [fill in the blank],” instead of saying, “I’m still learning how to [fill in the blank].”

There is a significant difference in these statements. When we use words that end in ed, learned, accomplished, achieved, we are saying there is nothing else to learn; that we “got it.”

But life is dynamic and nothing is ever freeze-dried. Therefore, if we take the approach we are always in the process of learning, accomplishing and achieving, then we are in a much better position to adapt and to adjust when change and setbacks occur.

Need Help?

You can now connect with Alex Blackwell at LivePerson.com to receive faith-based life advice, encouragement, and personal empowerment. You are welcome to reach out to Alex via telephone, chat or email to have a meaningful discussion about the issues you are facing right now.

All BridgeMaker readers receive the first 10 minutes free. Please mention “BridgeMaker” and receive ten minutes of life-changing advice at no charge.

Four Characteristics of Success