The Whisker Gifters Blog

2010-12-21T19:18:00.000-05:00

Dec 16, 2010 This sweet cat's owner passed away this week and she is now an orphan. A neighbor is watching the cat temporarily. These pictures are not too good, but below is the description sent to me by the lady who took the pictures. These photos do not do "Chatchie" justice. They don't capture her sweet personality or her beautiful grey and white coat. I met her for the first time today...spent 30 minutes with her. She let me pet her, touch her paws, scratch her ears. She was totally serene. Sherry and I suspect she's a show cat....the way she allows herself to be handled, the way she allows herself to be groomed.

Contact Sherry ASAP at 718-730-9082 if you can adopt or foster this beautiful girl.

Our Christmas wish is for all homeless animals to find a home very soon.
Baron and Jester

Tips for Cat Owners: How to Clean the Litter Box

2010-11-08T21:05:00.000-05:00

Housecleaning Tips for Cleaning Outside the Box
People with cats are often in need of housecleaning tips when it comes to the litter box. Some cats are neater than others when using the privy. The neat ones saunter in, do their business, cover up and move on. The not-so-neat ones toss litter around until half of what was in the box is on the floor in front of the box. Older cats can be especially messy, as they often lose sight of the fact that while the head and paws are inside the box, the "business" end may not be.

To keep the area around the litter box clean, use a separate broom and dust pan to sweep wayward litter. (The broom you use to sweep cat litter and errant feces is NOT the broom you want to use in the kitchen, dining room or bedroom.) You can also use a handheld vacuum, but make sure there's no urine in the area. And, just as you wouldn't vacuum up a nail, screw or other heavy object, do not vacuum up cat poop.

Wash the floor under and the walls around the box at least once per week with undiluted white distilled vinegar. Because of its high acidity levels, white distilled vinegar disinfects and kills germs as well as bleach and other commercial cleaners. More important, however, white distilled vinegar is not toxic to your cat. If the litter box is in a bathroom, make sure to scrub the grout between the tiles on both the floor and the walls, as grout is somewhat porous and bacteria can hide there. If you have a cover on the litter box, it's unlikely that feces or urine will be on the walls. But, litter dust will more than likely get on the walls when you add new litter to the box and when your cat tosses it around.

Housecleaning Tips for Cleaning the Litter Box
The litter box itself should be cleaned at least once a month when the litter is changed. Empty the old litter into a garbage bag and scrape out any that's stuck to the bottom or the sides. Rinse the box out thoroughly and fill with approximately ½ to 1 inch of undiluted white distilled vinegar. Let stand for 30 minutes and rinse well with cold water. Make sure to scrub the inside of the litter box cover to remove any feces and urine, and wipe down the outside to remove litter dust. To clean the scoop, scrape off all litter, urine or feces that is stuck between the tines and wipe it down with undiluted distilled vinegar. You can also soak it in the box.

Make sure to wear disposable rubber gloves when cleaning out your cat's litter box. For the health of your family, dispose of all paper towels, sponges and towels after use. Do not save them for next time. Follow these simple housecleaning tips for the litter box and you and your cat will both be happy.

Dog Haiku for September 29, 2010

2010-09-29T11:49:00.000-04:00

As winter comes my
human needs the heavy coat
I use as a bed

Baron
Director of Dog Stuff
WhiskerGifters.com

Why Do Cats Shred Paper?

2010-09-28T10:00:00.006-04:00

As an expert on cat behavior and lunacy, I am often asked why cats shred paper. Before I answer this question, let me just say that I, for one, have never engaged in this type of anti-social, psychotic behavior. I am extremely well-behaved. I never do anything that makes my humans mad, like sleeping on the kitchen counters or snatching a chicken leg off a dinner plate. Seriously. (I prefer white meat.)

My little brother, however, is another story. You may remember Sheppy J. from a previous post, A Cat's Fourth Amendment Rights. He is a very, very naughty cat. Not only does he lose his toys regularly, he shreds paper like it's going out of style. Paper towels, tissues, newspapers, magazines, even library books. Oops...maybe I shouldn't have written that. Scratch that. HA! No pun intended. Before our humans hid the toilet paper in the cabinet under the sink, he would unroll it, shred it and leave it all over the bathroom.

While humans are more focused on trying to understand why cats shred paper, I think it's more important to focus on why cats don't clean up the paper after they've shred it. The answer is so obvious it's painful: We have taken our cues from plumbers, painters and appliance installers. Let's look at the similarities: They track mud from room to room, we track cat litter from room to room. They leave giant gobs of caulk smack dab in the middle of the floor, we leave giant gobs of hairball barf smack dab in the middle of the floor.

If you want your cat to get a job, hire him out as a plumber, not a mouser. He's probably more than qualified.

Jester
Director of Cat Stuff
WhiskerGifters.com

The True Meaning of Dogsledding

2010-09-27T10:00:00.003-04:00

Many thanks to Curly, Boo and Radley of Twain Harte, CA for sending us this video. It (almost) makes us wish for snow.

The True Meaning of Dogsledding

Baron and Jester
WhiskerGifters.com

The Geico Little Piggy

2010-09-24T10:00:00.001-04:00

The other night we were watching tv with our humans when all of a sudden, they fell off the couch. Baron thought they were still crying over the final episode of Top Chef, but no, they were laughing hysterically at the following Geico commercial:

If I could drive, I'd switch to Geico.

Jester
Whisker Gifters Director of Cat Stuff
WhiskerGifters.com

How Much Does a Dog or Cat Weigh on Mars?

2010-09-23T10:00:00.024-04:00

Has your human insinuated that you've put on a few lately? If so, move to Mars!

Let's say you're a dog of average weight, about 40lbs or so, right here on Earth. If you lived on Mars, you would only weigh 15lbs! How's that for a quick weight loss program? OK, so travel time might be a little more than four months, and no one's sure if there's water there, but isn't that better than snacking on carrots and celery indefinitely?

If you're a 12lb cat, which means you're probably big-boned, because it doesn't matter what planet a 12lb cat lives on, that's still a big cat, you would only weigh 4.5lbs on Mars.

Baron and I are both looking to book our flights soon.

To see how much you weigh on Mars, or any of the other planets, enter your weight in the Your Weight on Other Worlds calculator.

See you there. Or, maybe on Pluto, which is still a planet in my book.

How Old is Brett Favre in Dog Years?

2010-09-22T10:00:00.009-04:00

More than ever before, dogs in fantasy football leagues are wondering how old Brett Favre is in dog years. Even cats, who are not known for wearing NFL jerseys during Monday Night Football, are wondering how old Brett Favre is in cat years. Let's face it. The guy is kind of old to be an NFL quarterback, even in human years.

Whether you're a dog or cat, enter Brett Favre's age (40 as of this posting - but enter 41 after October 10, 2010. Happy Birthday, Brett!) to see how old he is in dog and cat years. You can enter your human's age too, but be sure NOT to put that number of candles on his or her birthday cake this year. That could be a disaster.

Have fun!
Baron and Jester

dog years calculator

cat years calculator

Many thanks to CalculatorCat.com for providing the calculators. If you need to calculate your BMW, I mean BMI, or find a prime number, check them out!

A Timeless Battle: Cat vs Watermelon

2010-09-21T10:11:00.000-04:00

For thousands of years, cats have been engaged in the epic Battle of Watermelon. Some historians believe the Battle of Waterloo actually started as the Battle of Watermelon. Then Napoleon arrived and the rest, as they say, is history.

Pet Care Ebooks

2010-01-27T11:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Cats and Dogs,
Baron and I have received numerous emails from cats and dogs requesting we provide information to their humans about pet care ebooks. It seems that humans, well-intentioned though they may be, are in serious need of help when it comes to learning about:

How to Get Rid of Fleas
Housetraining a Puppy (Or a "poopy" as we like to call them.)
Training a Cat (Yeah right. Like that can happen.)
Dog Grooming
And many other pet care ebook topics

Here's an email we received just last week.

Dear Jester and Baron,
Could you please explain to my humans that it is in my nature to jump up on kitchen counters? Thousands and thousands of years of genetic programming have made me this way. No matter how many times my humans yell, "MOVE AWAY FROM THE SALMON!!!!" I won't move. I just can't. Now, if they were to squirt me with a water bottle, that might be another story.

Buffy L. - Indianapolis, IN
P.S. Go Colts!

We hope you can convince your humans to take a look at these pet care ebooks. But, remember. All we can do is provide the links. You can lead a human to an ebook but you cannot make him read. Good luck and let us know how it goes for you.

Sincerely,
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff and Baron, Director of Dog Stuff at WhiskerGifters.com.

How to Build Your Own Cat Condo

2010-01-11T15:57:00.002-05:00

Learning how to build your own cat condo is as easy as "1-2-3 I'm moving into my own crib" with the "Best Cat Trees" ebook. If your human significant other has insinuated that you've become a cover hog during the unprecedented cold this winter, or if he or she is upset with your use of the chair for your weekly mani-pedi, now is the time to purchase this book. While the purchase of cat condo plans and the actual building of your cat condo may not qualify you or your human significant other for the $8,000 first-time home buyer federal tax credit, it doesn't hurt to try. You can always write to your congressperson and request that this inequity be taken up in the next session of congress. But I digress.

The "Best Cat Trees" ebook provides easy-to-follow, step-by-step instructions for building the cat condo of your dreams. This updated edition contains plans for 11 different cat condo, cat tree and cat furniture models. These are the same plans used by the manufacturer, who, by the way, must have a mole within the company divulging secrets. Or maybe they have a gerbil. Anyway, this 90 page ebook contains 250 pictures and diagrams, material lists, advice on materials, and all the details you need to build your very own cat condo. Plus, you get FREE bonus plans for a See-Saw Scratcher.

All of the cat condo construction plans in the "Best Cat Trees" can be built with basic tools. Well, basic for your human, that is. I've yet to meet a cat who can actually hold a hammer. But you'll be impressed by how easy it will be for your human to build you your own home.

Why Build Your Own Cat Condo?

Building your own cat condo is less expensive than renting
Your cat condo may be featured on MTV Cribs
You won't have to share a pillow with your human

To get started on your very own cat condo, download the "Best Cat Trees" ebook now!

P.S. If you wear a tool belt while building your cat condo, make sure you don't expose your "plumber's tail".

Jester
Director of Cat Stuff
WhiskerGifters.com

Whisker Gifters Tuesday Treat Haiku - Merrick Flossies

2010-01-05T09:25:00.000-05:00

Is that a Merrick
Flossie in your pocket or
are you glad to see me?

OK, so my haiku is one syllable too long. But, Merrick Flossies ship FREE at WhiskerGifters.com. Happy chewing!

Baron
Director of Dog Stuff
WhiskerGifters.com

Birthday Parties for Dogs

2010-01-04T09:14:00.000-05:00

If you're thinking of throwing a birthday party for yourself or a friend, be sure to read my "Five Tips for a Great Dog Birthday Party" first. They're sure to help you have the best dog birthday party possible.

1) Birthday Parties for Dogs: Preparing the Guest List
As a dog birthday party planner, I’m often asked to help prepare the guest list. It should come as no surprise that I always recommend inviting friends with money since they usually bring the best gifts. If you and your human significant others are considering inviting children, my advice would be not to. Children are noisy. They will also compete for attention and may try to eat your cake. If someone is trying to convince you to invite cats to your birthday party, my advice again would be no. I’ve heard too many horror stories of catnip-spiked bully sticks.

2) Birthday Parties for Dogs: The Location
The backyard is an ideal location for a dog birthday party. However, you must be sure to use the scooper before your guests arrive, if you know what I mean. If you live in an apartment, keep the group small. (Choose your guests by income level per my advice in “Birthday Parties for Dogs: Preparing the Guest List” above.) I’m not a big fan of hosting events at a local dog run. Too many dogs of questionable character may try to crash your party.

3) Birthday Parties for Dogs: The Food
Unless you’re the type to raid the pantry days before your guests arrive, it’s best to order the dog treats, cookies and cake ahead of time. If you do most of the prep a day or so before the party, you’ll have more time to open your presents when your guests arrive. As for choosing between a sit-down dinner and buffet, it’s really a matter of personal preference. But, I can tell you from experience (as a professional dog birthday party planner) that if you choose to have a buffet, it’s better to invite the friends with the shortest snouts. (If this conflicts with choosing your dog birthday party guests by income level, choose by income level first and snout length second.) Either way, make sure you have enough dog treats, cookies and cake for leftovers.

4) Birthday Parties for Dogs: The Decorations
Note: If ordering a piñata, make sure there will be a human available to hold a stick and give the piñata a good whack. Otherwise, save your money. Party hats, matching plates and balloons are always a nice touch.

5) Birthday Parties for Dogs: The Party Games
One of my personal favorites, “Red Rover, Red Rover Let Rover Come Over” is always a good choice if teams are relatively equal in size and no one’s name is actually Rover. “Pin the Tail on the Cat” is very popular in the Northeast. All you need is a Manx, some tape and a rope. (You’d be surprised at how much cats love this game. Really. They do.) “Duck, Duck, Golden Doodle” is popular among younger party-goers because it involves so much running around in circles.

If you’d like help planning a birthday party, either for yourself or a friend, feel free to contact me at baron@whiskergifters.com.

Baron
Director of Dog Stuff
WhiskerGifters.com

P.S. If you or a dog you know has a birthday coming up, don’t forget to join the Whisker Gifters Birthday Club for Dogs.

Draw a Pig Personality Test

2009-11-14T10:54:00.001-05:00

The way you draw a pig says a lot about your personality. At least according to the developers of the "Draw a Pig Personality Test" it does. Jester and I both took the test. I had a bit of trouble holding the mouse without opposable thumbs. And Jester hasn't been declawed, so he scratched up his mouse pad pretty badly. But we learned quite a bit about ourselves.

We're not sure if the "Draw a Pig Personality Test" reveals as much as the MMPI or a Rorschach test, but it is more fun. (And less stressful.) We're going to spend some time trying to put this newly found knowledge to good use.

If you'd like to take the "Draw a Pig Personality Test" or gain some insight into our personalities, follow the links below.

Take the "Draw a Pig Personality Test" here.
View my personality test results here.
View Jester's results here.

To share your results with us, send us the link to your drawing.

Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Whisker Gifters

Tuesday Treat Haiku - Whole Life Liver Treats

2009-11-11T10:22:00.001-05:00

Tuesday Treat Haiku
(Oops…today is Wednesday. But, from now on we’ll post our Tuesday Treat Haiku on Tuesdays.)

Cats and dogs can’t trick
Or treat but will wear costumes
For Whole Life Liver

If you'd like to write a Tuesday Treat Haiku, email it to jester@whiskergifters.com or baron@whiskergifters.com.

Hugs,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff

What to Expect as Your Cat Ages

2009-11-09T09:58:00.001-05:00

Humans are often anxious about what to expect as their cats age. It really should come as no surprise that cats age in very similar ways to humans, albeit faster. From wanting the kids to turn down the music to an inability to handle a change in eating habits, your cat may also spend a lot of time wondering if he’s lived up to his true potential and has experienced all that life has to offer.

Below I’ve listed five other things you can expect your cat to experience as he ages.

1) Expect he’ll receive more mailings from AARP
There’s no better organization than AARP at tracking down those of us who are getting a little long in the tooth. Depending on how close he is to 50, your cat may begin to receive regular mailings detailing the benefits of membership. If he drives, it may behoove him to join AARP to take advantage of lower car insurance rates.

2) Expect him to put a larger percentage of his salary into his 401K
It’s no secret that cats are living longer. Better nutrition, advances in medical care and increased public awareness about the dangers of black market catnip have all contributed to healthier lives for many of us. If your cat wants to continue living the lifestyle he had before retirement, he’ll probably start socking more money away each month.

3) Expect him to get a little thicker around the middle
It happens to the best of us. We get a little achy and tired and don’t exercise as much as we should. If we don’t reduce our caloric intake, it won’t be long before we put on a few pounds in the wrong places. While a tiny little bit of extra weight may not be so bad, don’t let it get out of paw.

4) Expect he’ll be more concerned about the future viability of Social Security
The asset-challenged agency has been in the news frequently over the past several years. Your cat might be concerned that his piece of the Social Security pie may not be available as he nears retirement. Afterall, if he’s been paying into the system all these years, he’s going to feel he deserves to get his money back.

5) Expect him to discuss his bowel habits with anyone who will listen
This might be the most disturbing sign that your cat is aging. But, if you’ve spent time with elderly people in Florida, you’ll be used to it.

As your cat ages, you can expect him to experience new challenges just as you will. But, if you help him meet those challenges head-on, maybe the two of you can age gracefully together.

Would you like to become a Whisker Gifters Blog Guest Columnist? We'd love to hear from you.

Sincerely,
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff

Guest Columnist Dr. Susan Wright - Alcohol and Drugs in Dogs

2009-11-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

Today's guest columnist is Dr. Susan Wright. Her article, "Alcohol and Drugs in Dogs" provides some helpful tips and advice for your humans if you get into things you shouldn't. If you happen to get caught with alcohol or drugs, I can tell you from experience that using the excuse, "I was just holding it for a friend" doesn't really work.

It's not uncommon for dogs to be presented to their veterinarian with vague symptoms including drowsiness, staggering and sometimes vomiting. After examining the dog, and questioning the owner, some of these dogs are diagnosed as being drunk or stoned!

Who would knowingly give their dogs illicit drugs? No doubt there are some who would do that, but in many cases, these dogs accidentally get intoxicated.

You may be surprised to learn that dogs can become inebriated from eating bread dough. The yeast in the bread dough ferments in your dog's stomach, and produces alcohol. This has the same effect as drinking a glass of beer. Dogs will certainly drink an alcoholic drink if it's left on the floor - liqueurs in particular are very sweet and dogs enjoy the taste.

Alcohol poisoning occurs if a dog drinks between 5 and 8 ml of alcohol per kilo body weight. That’s not ml of whiskey or wine, it’s ml of alcohol. We’ll need to do some mathematics here. Whiskey may contain up to 70% alcohol, which means that in a 30ml “nip”, there’s 21 ml of actual alcohol. That’s more than enough to cause severe poisoning in a 3-4 kg Chihuahua.

Symptoms of alcohol poisoning in dogs are similar to those in people. His breath will smell of alcohol, and he'll be unsteady on his feet. He may become very excitable, or he may fall asleep and be difficult to wake. Drinking alcohol can lead to coma and cardiac arrest so you do need to get in touch with your vet.

Your dog will usually make a full recovery providing he hasn't drunk the bar dry, and treatment is started early. Treatment is activated charcoal to stop any more alcohol being absorbed by your dog's system, and an intravenous drip to speed up excretion of the alcohol in his bloodstream.

Marijuana is also something your dog shouldn't include in his daily diet. Most dogs become intoxicated when they steal some cookies containing the drug. The good news is that marijuana intoxication isn't usually fatal, and most dogs recover within 24 hours.

Symptoms in dogs are again similar to those in humans. Your dog will be wobbly on his feet, and behave as if he is drunk. He may have dilated pupils and a slow heart rate. About 30% of dogs will vomit after eating marijuana, which will stop them absorbing any more drug.

If your dog has eaten your cookies within the last half hour, you can make him vomit them up. Call your vet for instructions on how to do this. Again, activated charcoal will reduce further absorption. If he's getting agitated, your vet may prescribe some valium to calm him down.

If your dog gets hold of your alcohol or marijuana, it's not only expensive, but it's not good for his health. Keep them well out of his reach, and you'll both be better off.

This article was written by Dr. Susan Wright for Dog Fence DIY. Dog Fence DIY shows pet owners how to create a pet containment system for their home and train their pet on how to use it. They stock a wide variety of systems from leading manufacturers like Innotek, PetSafe, and SportDog including the acclaimed Innotek IUC 5100.

Thank you, Dr. Wright, for reminding us to be a bit more careful when sneaking drinks out of the glasses of our human significant others. I for one, will also lay off the brownies from now on. I was wondering why the heck I was getting the munchies after eating those brownies.

Would you like to become a Whisker Gifters Blog Guest Columnist? We'd love to hear from you.

Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff

Cash for Clunkers Trade In

2009-11-04T13:29:00.001-05:00

As evidenced by the recent uptick in GDP, the Whisker Gifters Cash for Clunkers program has been an incredible success.

The most recent trade in request was sent to us from Sirius Black and White of Port Washington, NY. His story and a photo of the clunker he's trading in are below.

Hi Jester,
I don't want to brag but they don't make toys strong enough for me. When I play tug it's the toy that loses. I got this toy about 3 months ago and it was fun until all the stuffing came out. Eww, it didn't feel good on my tongue.

My name is Sirius Black and White, but everyone calls me Sirius.

Thank you, Sirius Black and White, for sharing your story with us. We can put a man on the moon but we can't come up with an edible dog toy stuffing.

We'll send Sirius a coupon good for 10% off his next purchase at WhiskerGifters.com.

If you have a dog toy, cat toy or dog chew you'd like to trade in, visit the Whisker Gifters Cash for Clunkers page at WhiskerGifters.com.

Jester, Director of Cat Stuff
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff

Why Do People Believe Cats are Psychic?

2009-10-19T10:37:00.016-04:00

The belief that cats have innate psychic abilities is a belief held by many people. The cat goddesses Bast and Sekhmet of ancient Egypt may be responsible for this. Or, maybe it was born of more modern times because cats tend to have psychic hallucinations after eating catnip. Whatever the beginnings, when a cat owner asks me how to determine the psychic ability of her cat, I ask her whether or not her cat knows she’s pondering this. If the cat does not know, he is not psychic. But, if the cat is aware of the question, further testing is in order.

I usually recommend my patented “3-Step Feline Direct Psychic Capacity Test” to help people determine the level of psychic ability in their cats. I wrote this test a few years ago with my best friend Fluffy who bragged about being the most gifted cat-psychic on the block. I believed him right up until the day a community rescue group caught him and put him in a foster home. (How did he not see that coming?) Although he did not know that he was about to be picked up, he was unbelievably good at knowing who in the neighborhood would be putting out food.

Before you begin the test, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Clear your mind of any extraneous thoughts. Negative thoughts such as, “Why does my cat make such a mess when he eats?” or “I wish my cat would stop scratching the chair” may prevent your cat from establishing a psychic connection with you.

Step 1: Answer the following question.

Does your cat have a crystal ball, Ouija board or Tarot cards?

If you answered, “No” to all of the above, quit now. Your cat is not psychic.
If you answered, “Yes” to any of the above, move on to Step 2.
If you answered, “Yes” specifically to the Tarot cards, please write to me and tell me how your cat learned to read.

Step 2: Calling your cat.

Grab a piece of tuna, shrimp or catnip stalk and take a seat on the couch. Summon up as much concentration as you can and, while holding the tuna, shrimp or catnip stalk in the palm of your right hand, silently repeat to yourself, “Cat, come see me sitting on the couch.”* If your cat does not come into the room, quit now. Your cat is not psychic. If your cat does come into the room, give him the tuna, shrimp or catnip stalk as a reward and move on to Step 3.

Step 3: Make the connection. Note: You will need the help of a friend for this step.

Challenge your cat to a game of “Password." Sit across the kitchen table from one another. (Do not let your cat channel the spirit of Allen Ludden. This will give him an unfair advantage.) Have your friend write down a word on a piece of paper and hand it to you. Try to get your cat to figure out what the word is by giving him clues. For example, if the word on the sheet of paper is, “litterbox” you could start by saying, “poop.” Your cat may intuit the word faster if you stretch it out into a few syllables and raise your eyebrows and voice a bit. Try saying, “poooooooooop?” Continue until you’ve completed at least 18 words, as this will produce a more statistically accurate result by eliminating the probability of chance. If your cat is able to correctly identify more than 83.9753% of the words correctly, congratulations! Your cat is indeed psychic. If he is not able to correctly identify more than 83.9753% of the words correctly, don’t sign him up for the circus just yet.

If your cat shows no psychic ability at this time, continue to work with him. His psychic capacity may just need a little help to develop. And even if he never shows any psychic talent whatsoever, the two of you can still bond over “Medium" each week.

*If a couch is not available, use a chair. But, be sure to say, “Cat, come see me on the chair” or it won’t be a successful test.

Do you know any psychic cats? Let me know.

Jester
Director of Cat Stuff

10 Reasons a Cat Brings Home Live Prey

2009-10-14T10:18:00.008-04:00

Why does a cat bring home live prey? Why not.

If that's not a good enough answer, how about these?

He needs to put up mouse and squirrel preserves for the winter
He doesn’t know the words to the song the bird in the yard is singing
He can’t get to the store to buy an appropriate gift for his human
He’s tired of being compared to his big-cat cousins
Faux fur mice don’t taste as good
Peer pressure
He wants to impress his girlfriend
Because he can
He quit smoking and needs a new vice
It’s more exciting than bringing home dead prey

Comments? Questions? More reasons? Let me know.

Jester
Director of Cat Stuff

Cash For Clunkers Extended

2009-08-10T18:23:00.017-04:00

Cash for Cat Toy, Dog Toy and Dog Chew Clunkers Program

We’ve just voted to extend the Cash for Clunkers program! Trade in your old, slimy cat toy clunker, dog toy clunker or dog chew clunker for a brand new one at WhiskerGifters.com. While we can’t afford to give you a $4,500 rebate (and really, what cat toy, dog toy or dog chew is worth $4,500 – except, of course, the one that saves the $4,500 couch) we can afford to give you a coupon worth 10% off your entire order at WhiskerGifters.com.

Cash For Cat Toy, Dog Toy and Dog Chew Clunkers FAQ

What Qualifies as a Clunker?
Any cat toy, dog toy or dog chew that is:

covered with dried cat or dog spit
full of dirt, fur or other icky stuff
half-eaten or devoid of its original stuffing
caked with grease from spending months hidden under the stove
touched only by humans wearing gloves

How Do I Trade In My Old Clunker?
Let us be clear. This is not truly a “Trade In” program. After all, if your old clunker were full of spit, dried or otherwise, why would we want it? To get the 10% off coupon, though, follow these simple steps:

Take a picture of the clunker you want to trade in
Write a short (50 words or less) description of your clunker - how long you've had it, how much joy it's given you and why you're ready to move on
Email the picture and description along with your name (your name, not your human significant other's name) and email address to jester@whiskergifters.com or baron@whiskergifters.com.

We’ll post the picture and description on our Cash for Clunkers page and send you a coupon worth 10% off your entire order at WhiskerGifters.com.*

Why Are You Offering Cash for Clunkers?
By getting rid of your old clunkers, you’re helping to not only save the environment, but also to save the jobs of catnip growers across the country as they account for at least .00000134% of GDP.**

*If you don’t have a picture and description, send us your email address and we’ll send you the coupon anyway.
**We don’t really know this for a fact.

Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff

How to Keep Your Pet on Good Terms with Your Landlord

2009-07-31T19:42:00.008-04:00

For those of you interested in keeping your pet and your landlord on good terms, we're here to help. We've given countless humans advice on how to instruct their pets in the proper methods of behavior toward landlords. Landlords are not that difficult to figure out, but you do need to prepare your pet in order for him to put his best paw forward.

When talking to your pet about your landlord, and your landlord about your pet, it’s important for you to realize that your job is to act as facilitator. You cannot change your pet’s actions or your landlord’s attitudes. Your role is simply to negotiate a living arrangement that works for all of you.

Do not resort to threatening your pet with phrases like, “We’ll be homeless if you bring another dead mouse into this apartment” or “If you don’t stop barking I’ll really give you something to bark about.” It’s best to just sit down with your pet and calmly, yet firmly, explain the importance of the situation with him. Herewith, then, are three suggestions on bringing your pet and landlord closer together.

1) Have Your Pet Invite Your Landlord to Dinner
By hosting a dinner for your landlord, your pet will have the opportunity to prove that he is a responsible tenant. Over a glass of wine or appetizers, try to steer the conversation toward topics your pet can speak intelligently about, such as the benefits of a raw food diet, organic toys or bully sticks. Make sure that throughout the course of the evening he lets your landlord know that he will try not to make noise that disturbs other tenants. He should also respond to any concerns your landlord may have about the potential for damage.

2) Have Your Pet Send Your Landlord a Gift
Having your pet send a small gift such as a bottle of wine or a gift basket will keep him first and foremost in your landlord’s mind when it comes to lease renewal. Depending on your pet’s maturity level and income bracket, it’s up to you whether or not you let him select the gift to be sent.

3) Have Your Pet Pay for Your Landlord’s Child’s College Education
You and your pet need only resort to this option if your pet has committed a seriously destructive offense against the apartment.

Follow these simple suggestions and your landlord may want your pet to stay in the apartment even if you move.

Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff

If you'd like to become a guest columnist, send your article to jester at jester@whiskergifters.com.

How To Save Money on Cat Food

2009-07-21T10:35:00.009-04:00

By Jester
(I first published this article on Helium.com.)

Humans and cats have disagreed for decades on the best ways to save money on cat food. Humans have historically answered this question by focusing on feeding cats less. Cats have wondered why their humans don’t get second jobs in order to continue feeding them in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed. Some snarkier cats I know have been known to say, “Well, why not just toss me a saltine and bowl of water? That’ll really save some dough.”

I believe it’s time for us to sit at the negotiating table with our humans and prove to them that it’s less expensive and less work to eat cat food than it is to eat human food.

Let’s sort through the issues logically and systematically, shall we?

1) The Cost of Cat Food vs. the Cost of Human Food
I’m not an accountant, but it seems to me that a can of cat food, even really yummy, healthy food like a 5.5 oz can of Weruva Marbella Paella, when purchased by the case, is only a whisker more than a 5.0 oz can of tuna (solid white, packed in water) for humans. By the time you add three tablespoons of mayo, two slices of bread, a piece of lettuce, a slice of tomato, some chips, a pickle, a cupcake, a napkin and the dish soap to wash the plate, it is more expensive to eat tuna than it is cat food.

Score: Cat Food 1 – Human Food 0

2) A Cat’s Shopping Cart vs. A Human’s Shopping Cart
Cats are obligate carnivores. That means we get everything we need from meat. Oh, you should throw us a bone every now and then so we can get a little calcium, but you don’t need to put anything else in a our shopping cart. What’s in a human’s shopping cart? A can of tuna, a jar of mayo, a loaf of bread, a head of lettuce, a tomato, a bag of chips, a jar of pickles, a package of napkins, 12 cupcakes and a bottle of dishwashing liquid. Try carrying all that to the car in the rain. (For the purposes of this article, we are not adding litter or toilet paper to either cart.)

Score: Cat Food 2 – Human Food 0

3) Preparation of Cat Food vs. Preparation of Human Food
It’s a well-known fact within the cat community that cat food companies conspire against us by continuing to package their food in cans. As we do not have opposable thumbs, it is impossible for us to use a can opener. We’ve made some strides toward can equality with the flip top can, but it’s not enough. We remain beholden to those with thumbs to feed us. But I digress. When you consider how long it takes to open a can of tuna, mix it with three tablespoons of mayo, toast two slices of bread, wash and chop a head of lettuce and a tomato, open a bag of chips, a jar of pickles, a package of napkins and the cupcakes before squirting the dishwashing liquid into the sink, it’s easier to serve cat food.

Score: Cat Food 3 – Human Food 0

Conclusion
The above points prove that the question is not how to save money on cat food. It is how to save time and money on human food. Clearly, the answer is to buy more cat food and feed it to the whole family.

Jester, Director of Cat Stuff

If you'd like to become a guest columnist, send your article to jester at jester@whiskergifters.com.

Baron Requests a Retention Bonus from AIG

2009-07-15T11:33:00.007-04:00

Dear Sirs at AIG in Charge of Retention Bonuses,

I respectfully request a retention bonus of $1,000,000. My qualifications for the retention bonus are as follows:

Over the years, I have retained water many times
One of the kids in my family used to wear a retainer
Even at my advanced age, I am able to jump over (small) retaining walls
After paying my bills, I have no retained earnings
I know some dogs who are anal retentive

Please make my check payable to “Baron” and mail to:

Whisker Gifters
24 Main St., 2nd Floor
Port Washington, NY 11050

If my check is sent by a method for which a signature is required, please make sure it is delivered between 10:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m., as I leave for lunch at 1:00 p.m. on the dot.

Sincerely,
Baron

Upcoming Guest Columnist Schedule

Thursday, July 16: Jester opines about a topic yet to be determined

If you'd like to become a guest columnist, send your article to jester at jester@whiskergifters.com.

A Parallel Between Manifest Destiny and Hotel California

2009-07-13T10:25:00.011-04:00

Today's Guest Columnist Topic:
"You'll Find Me with the Goldfish"

By Anonymous Squirrel, New England

Fall was approaching and it was getting cold in New England. I came across a house with cedar siding and found myself a little hole to crawl into. As luck would have it, my kids found me and crawled in, too. Being of the New England pioneering squirrel spirit, we decided that Manifest Destiny was ours, and spread out into the walls and ceilings of the house.

We lived there happily for a day or two until strange things started happening. We heard a lot of barking coming from within the house. We noticed that as we ran along the walls, the barking followed us. Next came the guy in a uniform who plugged our entrance hole with caulk. That dog had dropped the dime on us.

I comforted my babies as we searched desperately for an escape. We were hungry and tired, but we knew we could never quit. Softly, we hummed an old spiritual that our fore-squirrels hummed as they fought for independence in the war against the red tail hawks.

I scratched my last will and testament into a support beam, leaving all of my acorns to my favorite nephew. Then I saw a bright light. Oh, the end was near! I told myself to be brave and strong for my children, in this, our final hour. Then one baby jumped into the light. Oh, the despair! I walked to his jumping spot, expecting to find his tender fluffy body lying motionless while his soul drifted toward squirrel heaven. But, he was on the floor in the foyer of the house, eating goldfish crackers. He had found the escape! Our salvation was here!

Moral of the story: Stay away from shelters that have that Hotel California feel – you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.

Note to house owner: Sorry about the wires in the attic. And next time, how about a little water with the goldfish crackers?

Anonymous Squirrel, New England - I enjoy hanging upside down from ceilings as I scout out my surroundings.

It seems the Whisker Gifters Blog is becoming the place for squirrel contributors. If there are any groundhogs, picas or common marmosets wishing to contribute, please do so.

Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff

Upcoming Guest Columnist Schedule

Wednesday, July 15: Baron requests a retention bonus from AIG
Thursday, July 16: Jester opines about a topic yet to be determined

If you'd like to become a guest columnist, send your article to jester at jester@whiskergifters.com.