I’ve spent a few weeks talking about one of the messages your body is trying to send you via pain: nurture yourself instead of push yourself.  Today, I’m going to talk about another request from your body:

Love yourself unconditionally.

Love is the most connective, life-giving energy you can possibly generate within yourself.  It is a healing force.  When you are disconnected from your body, angry at yourself, derogatory toward yourself, even mean to yourself, you cut yourself off from this powerful force.  Pain is the message that lets you know you’ve fallen into this pattern.  So is physical tension, and even extra weight.  The body experiences physical imbalance when the energy of love is absent.

Most of us learn this strange way of motivating ourselves that is a mixture of browbeating and scaring ourselves silly.  We think that if we can just whip ourselves into shape and get things accomplished, whatever we don’t like about ourselves will finally be squelched.  We think that then we will succeed, because we’ll be perfect, at last.

I certainly thought that, for many years.  In print, it now looks ridiculous.  After all those years of pushing, forcing, browbeating, flagellating, and scaring myself, I see that all I wanted was a sense of safety and peace within myself.

Safety and peace within yourself does not come from a “soldier on” state of mind.  It comes from repeatedly accessing that powerful energy of love, and turning that source of strength and energy inward.  It’s akin to trying to force a plant to stay alive in a dark closet.  Imagine yelling at the plant, watering it like mad, giving it fresh soil, fertilizer, and everything else you can think of.  Yet, the plant withers more with each passing day.  Without sunlight, it simply can’t live.

Love is our sunlight.  Without it, we simply can’t live.  Our health fails, our bodies wither, our souls slip away.

Sometimes it’s hard to love yourself.  I’m not asking you to be perfect at it.  I’m just pointing out the importance of leaning in that direction more and more, practicing bit by bit.  If you can learn to reward yourself with love even when you make colossal mistakes, even when you aren’t at your best, and even when you are spiraling down in a spectacular, flaming crash, then you will finally know the meaning of loving unconditionally.  Don’t mete out love only when you cross off to-do’s, accomplish amazing things, and serve others gracefully.  Your inner self knows this is fair-weather friendship, and in loving yourself only because of what you do well, you put a subtle but intense pressure on yourself all the time.

How do you generate love for yourself?  Start here: imagine someone you love.  Maybe a pet, if there are too many tangled relationships in your life right now.  Bring that love into your awareness, and allow it to grow inside you.  Feel what it feels like, physically, in your body, to feel this love.  Without even knowing all the science, the names of all the “good” hormones that are now flooding your body, you can sense that this is a place of healing.  Your body knows it, and it is asking you to purposefully bask in this flood of life force energy.

When you feel the sensation of love grow stronger inside you, direct it mentally toward yourself.  Allow yourself to receive your own love.  If, right now, this is too hard, then simply enjoy the feeling of loving others, knowing that as you practice, it will become easier and easier to love you.

We don’t often think about practicing love.  We expect it to come to us.  We expect to just feel it, randomly.  Love on purpose today.  Decide to feel love, and practice focusing on it each day.  Heed this most important request from your body.

Don’t miss the Do Less, Be More telecourse series, in which fellow Master Coach Susan Hyatt and I give you serious self-loving tools to take into regular, everyday life.

Come hang out with me on Facebook!  I just finished creating my Healthy Life Facebook page, so you’re invited to stop by and chat!

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Are you aware of when and why you are pushing yourself beyond your body’s recommendations?  I used to think I would be pushing myself only if I was, say, training for the Olympics.  Now, I understand I’m pushing myself if I feel tension in my stomach and don’t take a moment to listen to the inherent message.  Pushing myself can be as simple as going out with friends when I’m actually tired and would like an evening at home.

The flip side of listening to our bodies and not pushing ourselves unhealthily is going one step further and actually nurturing ourselves.  It sounds great, we talk about doing it, but do we put it in our schedules?  Do we even know what nurtures us?

If you’re in pain, ill, or overweight, you have not been nurturing yourself. Your body is asking for a deeper kind of self-nurture that goes beyond bubble baths and the occasional massage.  In fact, deep self-nurture takes work.  It takes effort.  Just like in any relationship, you get what you put into your relationship with yourself.

Self-nurturing is about taking time to listen to what your body and inner self are saying.  What are those messages your body is trying to convey?  Maybe it really wants you to know that you’re thinking all kinds of stressful thoughts that aren’t true.  Maybe it wants you to realize that you’re a novel writer at heart and you’ve been denying your creativity all these years.  Maybe it wants you to know that your gut feelings regarding that relationship you’re unsure about are on target.  Whatever it is, it’s always helpful, always important, and always the next step on your path to living authentically.

Living authentically can be damn hard.  It means telling yourself the truth.  It’s amazing how much we try to ignore and deny in our lives, because we don’t want to rock the boat, make others unhappy, or do things that would bring perceived criticism or judgment our way.  I have denied massive truths in my own life, only to have my body collapse under the weight of shoving such knowledge out of my awareness.  Self-nurturing is having the courage to look at truth and acknowledge it.  Even though this will sometimes rock the boat, it always brings an enormous sense of relief.  You’ll feel it – your body will relax.  What it’s been trying to tell you has finally been heard.

You may have to sit quietly with yourself, with your journal, snuggled in a blanket, every day for months.  Eventually, however, truths will emerge.  You will have given yourself the gift of focusing on your internal world – your thoughts, emotions, and sensations.  That’s all it takes to begin releasing stress, physical pain, and extra weight.

It’s so easy to not do this kind of self-nurture.  It’s easy to overbook ourselves, escape into activity, overeating, ruminating endlessly, shopping, reading novels, etc.  These are all just ways to avoid looking at our internal world.  I know, having done those things and more for most of my life.  Until, of course, I finally started listening to what my body was trying to say.  Until I took the time to look inward, every day.  Now, it is such a healing, beloved part of my life that I can’t imagine living without this kind of self-nurturing.

If you start with this kind of self-nurture, it will soon expand to other things.  You’ll discover that play is a form of self-nurture.  You’ll begin exploring all the ways that you can make yourself feel loved.  Because that’s what’s really behind self-nurturing, and that’s really what your body and inner self are aching to receive.  Your love.  Directed inward, toward yourself.  One of my favorite fellow coaches, Jeannette Maw, recommends asking the question: What feels like love today?

Today, love might feel like a good cry.  A walk.  A journal entry.  A conversation with a good friend.  A meditation.  A nap.  It might feel like paying attention to what you’re really feeling, all day long.  And so much more…

It’s for you to discover.  And what a fun exploration – diving into you, to learn about you, and find out what does make you feel nurtured and loved.  If you start with awareness time and inward focus, you’ll find out so much, so quickly.

Want help with this project? Join me and fellow Master Coach Susan Hyatt for a 4-week telecourse all about taking care of you during the holidays and beyond.  For details, click here!

Can you tell when you’re pushing yourself past your body’s messages?  If you followed the process outlined in last week’s post, Nurturing vs. Pushing, you have the knowledge and tools you need.  Now, you just need a little practice. Staying aware of your body is the only way you’ll be able to hear and decode its messages before they reach critical mass and create physical pain. Now that you’re highly motivated (nothing makes us march like pain!), let’s get into more detail.

It’s so easy to avoid paying attention to our bodies throughout the day.  It may sometimes feel as though you have a naughty three-year-old inside your adult skin, whining, “I don’t wannnnnaaaaa!”

Even though your logic brain knows body awareness will help you, that inner three-year-old still puts up a fight.  I’ve wrestled with my inner three-year-old in so many ways.  Though I primarily write about my experience with physical pain, another issue I’ve dealt with throughout my life is overeating.  In my early twenties, I was over fifty pounds overweight and completely oblivious to my body.  Interestingly, when I started using mind-body techniques for pain relief, I started losing weight.  Now I’m at a healthy, natural weight.  The two body issues, pain and weight, are nearly one and the same.  The key to both of them is being consciously aware of the body’s messages as much as possible.

So if this body awareness skill is so powerful, why does our inner three-year-old put up such a fight?  Why would she be against pain relief, weight loss, and less stress?

She’s not.  But she is terrified of feeling negative emotions.

I am so amazed at my own ability to avoid facing and feeling emotions.  It’s not like they kill people, and it’s not that painful, really, to just feel sad, angry, or afraid.  Yet, my primary reaction is to avoid the darn things left and right.  Once you’re onto this about yourself, you’ll notice just how many things you do to avoid feeling, including pushing yourself to work, take on obligations, and do anything that will keep you occupied.  Then, you can purposefully set aside your avoidance techniques and focus on your body.  (It helps to start with just five minutes of feeling, then allow yourself to back to your coping method.)

This is why we resist focusing on our bodies.  The moment we bring our awareness back home to these physical houses, un-felt emotions rise up into our consciousness.  Suppressed emotion does not go away when suppressed.  Rather, it stays in our bodies and unconscious awareness.  We end up with physical pain – our bodies can only contain so much emotional energy in the form of muscular tension and a hyper-aroused nervous system.

It’s difficult to get pain relief without feeling emotions.  It’s difficult to stop overeating and lose weight without feeling emotions.  And it’s difficult to feel emotions without bringing awareness to the physical body, over and over again, throughout the day.

It’s also difficult to feel love, happiness, and joy without also feeling sadness, anger, and fear.

So, practice makes perfect.  Practice will tell you when you’re pushing yourself and when it’s time to nurture yourself.  Keep practicing.  Stick with it.  If you forget to pay attention to how your body is feeling, where you’re holding tension, and don’t notice yourself pushing, that’s perfect.  Next time, you’ll be more aware.  And the next, you’ll be even more aware.  The learning process can be gentle and nurturing in itself.  Which is a good thing, because, well…we’re never really done learning.  Even years after your pain is gone, you’ll still be fine-tuning this technique and taking it to deeper, more conscious levels.

To understand what your body is trying to tell you via physical pain, you need one major tool: awareness.  Notice what is happening within your body and mind and you will get clarity.  I’ll help you speed up the process.  This week, I’ll focus on self-nurturing versus self-pushing, one of the major reasons your body might be speaking to you.  (For the full list, check out the The Messages in Physical Pain post.)

There are several reasons we push ourselves beyond our body’s guidance.  The first is simply this:  we forget to stay aware of our physical bodies. If you shine the light of awareness on your body throughout the day, you’ll discover it is constantly giving you feedback.  While your mind might be telling you to finish that project, plan that Girl Scout meeting, or get that last chore done, a quick check-in with your body may reveal important information.  Think about the thing you think you must do.  What is your body’s response?

Tight muscles?  A headache?  An increase in any current pain?  A slightly sick sensation in your stomach?

Those messages are all saying – WHOA!  Time out.  This is not the path to health and happiness.

Maybe your body feels energized, light, and free to take a deep breath.  That’s the message to do what you planned, as this is the right time and your energy reserves are available.

Sometimes, your message will take a little decoding.  Your body might give you a tension response around a project not because the project itself is too much, but because the way you’re going about it – what you’re thinking about it – is stressful.   This is why awareness truly is your best friend.  Knowing what you are thinking immediately allows you to gauge just how helpful your perception really is.

For example, yesterday I was brainstorming some notes for an upcoming project.  Suddenly, I noticed tension in my upper back.  Checking in, I discovered that I was thinking this:

I have to get all these ideas written and organized by tomorrow.

My body disagreed.  Voicing its opinion through a slight tension response, it gave me the message to evaluate my thinking.  It wasn’t against the whole project – it just didn’t want me to push myself yesterday.

Being very used to this mind-body relationship, I heeded my body’s advice.  I stopped the brainstorming, saved the file, and asked my body for advice on what to do next.  I always get amazing, satisfying results when I do this.  Sure enough, this morning several ideas popped unbidden into my mind – right before the scheduled project meeting.  By listening to my body, I got to feel good yesterday, not push myself, and have the great ideas come at the perfect time.  It takes a lot of trust to allow this process to unfold, but as you start trying it, you’ll gather evidence of its brilliance.

Step One: Check in with your body
Step Two: Check in with your mind
Step Three: Evaluate whether the two agree
Step Four: Decide on your action step based on the body’s input

If you’re currently flat on your back due to pain, you can be sure you weren’t listening to your body before you arrived at this point.  You can still start now, practicing this technique, even if your days aren’t jam-packed anymore.  It will help to learn it for the future, and it will help you arrive at the future you want – fabulous health and lots of happiness.

Before you get angry at your body for sending such a strong message, realize that it’s been trying to speak to you in gentler ways.   It nudges you with emotions, physical tension, and sensations.  If you’re not listening, it has no other recourse besides pain and illness.

For me, even after I understood this concept, the hardest part was decoding the message.  I would fume, arms crossed, as I tried to find a way to glare at my body.  I even yelled at my own body, saying “I’m listening!  I hear you!  But what the hell are you saying?  Don’t you speak English?”

As a coach, my primary job is to help others decode the messages held within the pain.  Generally, this involves quieting the mind chatter and learning to tune into the physical sensations happening in the body at any given moment.  After a short stint of stillness, you’ll find that yes, the body does speak English.

In the quiet stillness, aha moments and revelations happen.

After much of this work, I can tell you the common body message themes.  Most people’s bodies are sending messages about the following:

1. Learning to nurture yourself instead of push yourself
2. Learning to love yourself – unconditionally
3. Learning to release the constant pressure you’re putting on yourself
4. Learning to be gentler with yourself
5. Learning to consistently check in with the body so it doesn’t have to shout
6. Learning to honor and feel emotions
7. Learning to recognize the power of thought and begin to think intentionally
8. Learning to focus your awareness on yourself first – only then are you truly effective and helpful to others
9. Learning to access inner joy

It’s so easy to just ignore these messages, but take a moment to ponder this idea:  The body/wise inner guide finds these concepts so vital that it sends a strong message you cannot possibly ignore.

Indeed, if you were to take the messages above to heart and focus on studying them daily, you would find every aspect of your life unfolding in new, easier, more joyful ways.  You would be astonished at the good, loving experiences you would begin having.  Just ask any of my clients, for they are all doing the homework from this same lesson plan.  The small, personal details in each body’s message may be different, but the general class outline is definitely the same.

These lessons are a life’s work, but I’ve never studied a more interesting curriculum.  It’s a fun life’s work, and it doesn’t take long before the benefits arrive.  And it just keeps getting better.

In the following weeks, I’ll be talking about each of the messages/lessons in turn.  Stay tuned!

I had a good laugh yesterday, and the day before, too.  I seek out laughter as much as I seek out play. The two go hand in hand, so in looking for one, I find the other.

Scientific research has shown a correlation between laughter and health, but this one is a no-brainer.  I know I feel better when I laugh, both physically and emotionally.

When I was first struck with agonizing pain, I let laughter and play leave my life.  I was serious and dedicated to solving my health problem.  Laughter and play were frivolous, useless things that only people who were free of pain could afford.  My focus was entirely on my rotten luck, the terribleness of my situation, and my panic.

It took me several months to realize my victim stance was harming me instead of helping me.  Seeing myself as the victim made it true, and then I felt powerless.  I decided to stop being powerless, and so I became powerful.  Sound too simple?  It’s not.

I decided to become healthy by listening to my body and learning how my mind and body work together.  Never underestimate the power of intention!  As soon as I started listening to my body, I could hear all kinds of wisdom.  I felt compelled to find ways to play and laugh again, and realized that I’d had it backwards – I didn’t need to wait until I was healthy to have fun; I needed to have fun to create health.

Humor and play make life worth living.  What are you waiting for?  Find a way to play today, find something to laugh about, and share your story in the comments area below.   Decide what you’re going to create in your life.  Tell us about it!

It’s time to change the cultural belief that work comes first.  Play makes you laugh, laughing makes you feel good, and feeling good makes you do everything with presence, awareness, and love.  Now that’s the way to make the world a better place!

Here’s my playlist for today:

An intensely fun hour of hilarious talk with four great friends.
A ten-minute reading break over lunch.
A Mozart backdrop to my writing time.
A date with my husband.

Tomorrow, I’m taking my monthly play day.  That’s right – an entire DAY of play.  I no longer wait until I’m sick to take sick days, because sick days are no fun.  Now I take play days.  Which, come to think of it, has drastically reduced the number of sick days!  I’ve never been healthier in my entire life.  I used to have some kind of illness every couple of months – flus, bronchitis, sinus infections, etc.  In my journey to learn how to hear my body’s wisdom, this is the final piece of the puzzle.  When my body wants to relax, to play, and to hang loose, I listen.  I no longer constantly override its messages and put off playtime.

Here’s my playlist for my play day tomorrow:

A massage.  (Heaven!)
A leisurely swim.
Yoga.
My favorite TV show. (Bones!)
A pile of good books.
Snuggles with my dog.
A nap.

What’s on your playlist today?

The Latest News!

I’ve got two announcements today! (We’ll be back to your regularly scheduled programming next week.)

First - I’ve scheduled a FREE call in October that you won’t want to miss! (More below.)

Second – Coaches! Want to be a Mind-Body Coach?  Click Here: Take the Mind-Body Coach Training!

FREE CALL DETAILS:

Join me on Wednesday, Oct. 14 for a chance to hear the latest in mind-body healing, ask questions about anything you’re dying to know, and learn more about applying mind-body healing to your life.

The first few minutes of the call will be informational, but I really want to hear what’s on your mind!  Bring questions, whether they’re about coaching, anything mind-body, the Healthy Mind Toolbox, or whatever else. Whether you’re a client or not, I’d love to connect.  Graduates – you’re welcome to stop in and tell us what’s up!

I also want your feedback – I want to find out what you need, want, and like/don’t like so that I can do what serves you best.  So, let’s chat!  This is your chance to get a little support, information, and share your thoughts.  I can’t wait!

Call Info:

When: Wed., Oct. 14, 10 am Pacific Time
Where:  On the Phone!
How:  Dial 1-712-432-1690 and enter the Access Code when prompted: 983035# – it’s just a big conference line, so there’s room for all of us to be on the phone together!

Register: Please send me a quick email letting me know you’ll be on the call!

The new website is finally complete!  Check out the new digs and take a look around!

Here’s what I’m excited about: all the new stuff!

Let me take you on a tour…

In the Online Store, you can easily purchase a variety of helpful products, from the complete Healthy Mind Toolbox Course (which includes everything you need to utilize a mind-body approach) to the Mind-Body Coaching in Action recording (which lets you eavesdrop on a coaching session).  I LOVE the new products page because it’s so easy for you to get what you need, instantly!

You can also get a clear, detailed idea of what coaching entails on the fully updated Coaching page.  Keep your eyes out for upcoming telecourses on the Coaching page as well.  If you need the support of a complete, organized program, that is easily accessible on the Programs page.

If you want to see what clients have to say, you can stop in at the Success Stories page, and if you have questions you can check out the various informational pages such as FAQ, Resources, TMS/Mind Body Syndrome, Is This You, and Vulvodynia/IC.

The best part is that the new site makes it so easy for me to offer up more resources, classes, helpful tools, and more!  The blog posts are just the foundation for the variety of exciting happenings around here.  I’ll be offering all kinds of new things – the idea bank is completely full and I’m super inspired to create lots of great resources!

Since we’re celebrating, I think this is a great time to hear from you!  Tell me what’s going on with you – is there something you would find useful?  Something you wish was available?  Something you want more of?  I love hearing your ideas/wishes, so I’m all ears!

But first, let me invite you to play with me, in person!

That’s right – there’s something REALLY FUN coming up, and I’d like to extend an invitation to you.

Next month…

Oct. 9-11, in Loveland, Colorado

I’ll be assisting fellow Master Martha Beck Coach Koelle Simpson in her Primal Leadership: Taught through the eyes of a horse workshop.  This is play, fun, learning, personal growth, and emotional healing all in one weekend!

Koelle is an experienced, dynamic coach.  During this workshop, she’ll be using the incredible power of her unique brand of coaching (never been coached by a horse?  It’s amazing!) to teach leadership and strength.

What does this have to do with mind-body healing?

A LOT.  When you’re in the ring with a horse, you quickly discover how your thinking is affecting your body.  The horse is a highly effective bio-feedback tool that shows you just what you’re doing with your own powerful energy.  Are you harnessing it effectively? ?  Are you putting pressure on yourself to do things perfectly and therefore not accessing your true strength?  Are you trying to get approval from others and in the meantime, draining your own energy?  Are you leading your own life, from your inner guidance, or are you letting external issues and people direct you?

Not aligning with your own power, your inner guidance, and your truth creates a great deal of internal stress, both emotionally and physically.  Your body lets you know via physical pain, physical tension, and emotional tension that you’re off track.

So – come learn from the best teachers available: horses.  I can’t think of a faster way to unwind unhealthy mental and emotional patterns.  I’m so excited about this opportunity for you!  It’s so important that I can’t emphasize it enough – it will truly change your life and speed up your inner work process (which, as you know, is the key to your physical health).  You’ll get some seriously amazing coaching from Koelle and her horses, and I’ll be there, too, to answer any mind-body healing questions you might have and coach here and there.

Why am I assisting Koelle? Because, having experienced the magic of her work, I am planning to host one of her workshops here in Wyoming next year.  YAY!   (I’m there to learn, too!  I’ll be gathering info on all the setup details and processes to prepare for next year.)  I’d love to meet you in person, so I hope you check out the workshop.

I’m so excited about this that I’m offering a special coaching option for workshop participants!

SPECIAL OFFER:  The first 3 people to register for the workshop after reading this post will receive a FREE post-workshop coaching session with me!

This will help you digest and process the entire experience after you’ve had time to internalize what you learned and discovered during the workshop.  Simply forward me your proof of purchase email and we’ll set up your FREE session (a $95 value)!

To learn more about the workshop and register, click HERE.

P.S.  If you’re really excited about this, register ASAP.  The workshop fills at 12 and is already filling as we speak.  Also, you’ll want to take advantage of the Early Bird special and register today for great savings.

I’m talking about play.

It’s an innocent, childlike, often overlooked magic weapon.

When you’re continually stressed out, your body is producing a lot of hormones and neurotransmitters associated with the fight or flight response.  Lots of things happen as a result – you get muscle tension, increased heart rate and blood pressure, shallow breathing, less blood flow throughout your body, digestion slows to a crawl, your body stores fat more easily, your metabolism slows down, and many of the biochemical processes in your body are in breakdown mode.  No healing happens, no recovery happens, and you begin to feel muscle fatigue and pain, overall exhaustion, and your immune function plummets.

When you are playing, it is quite the opposite.  A playful energy energizes and relaxes your body, allowing it to shift into the rest and digest response, fight or flight’s fraternal twin.  In rest and digest, your body is deluged with healing processes and everything takes time to repair, regenerate, and recover.  Your metabolism speeds up, your digestion speeds up, everything becomes more efficient, and you feel better.

Emotional work, thought work, mind-body work, and all those other things I talk about are all vital to your health.  But play deserves its own spot, front and center, as one of the most critical elements of healing.

Sometimes we have to do a lot of emotion and thought work to get to a play space, but once we’re there, it’s time to play like kids.  Literally.  Find a kid and study their play patterns.  Notice how they abandon themselves entirely to play.  Watch how they could care less about outcomes – it’s the actual process of play that brings them to life.  Delight in their vibrant good health as they play.

Then, bring play back into your life.  It’s much more valuable than we realize, so I’m banking on the experience, the feeling, the life energy flowing through you as you play to convince you that it is just as important (in fact, more so) than work.

This week, just ask yourself the following question to begin moving toward more play:

What feels or sounds like play to me?

Keep adding to this list all week long until you’ve got a page full, at least.  Then challenge yourself to come up with two more.  I’m serious about play!