Often, well-meaning friends, family, colleagues and pretty much anyone else you come into contact with, just can’t help but feed you these lies. It’s like the words tumble out of their mouths automatically as soon as you say you’re still single.

Because how could you, this beautiful, smart, fun, stylish, active, accomplished, ambitious, driven, multi-faceted woman still be single? If we knew, we wouldn’t be here right?

So tell me, how many of these have you heard before?

• You just haven’t met the right guy yet
• They’re intimidated by you
• You’ll be next
• It will happen when you least expect it
• You’ve waited this long, don’t settle
• There are plenty of other fish in the sea
• You don’t need a man to make you happy

My upcoming book, “No Man’s Land: The Search for Mr. Right,” explores each of these lies in detail. Check out my IGTV to take a deeper dive into them until the book comes out. You can find me on Instagram @erinmstafford.

When I was relocating from Sacramento to San Diego, I knew I wanted to work for an incredible company. I wanted to find a job that excited me, that I’d stay at for years. So I went about my job search a little differently.

The cover letter below got me more interviews with CEOs of incredible companies than I can count. Since it worked so well for me, I wanted to share it with you. Obviously you’ll need to update it so it works for your sector and background, but you can see the elements I included and how I was able to tell my story and convey some of my personality in a pretty short letter.

The goal of the cover letter is to get someone to look at your resume and hopefully get you an interview. Feel free to use this letter in your next job search.

Subject line: Have we met?

Hi there,

I’ll make this short and sweet. I’m in the process of relocating to San Diego from Sacramento (on my dime) and hear great things about [Company name]. I know from experience that most great jobs aren’t advertised, so I’ve always focused on finding companies I admire and reaching out to them directly. [Company name] is indeed one of those companies.

I started working in digital advertising back in 2002 when NO ONE was interested in buying online ads! We were the dark and dirty people pounding the pavement selling banners, skyscrapers and popups. But it was an exciting time to be in digital media and ad sales. 

Fast forward to now and I’ve worked across all mediums and have honed my skills in advertising, marketing, branding and communications. I’m looking for a director- or VP-level position in marketing, branding, communications or client services – ideally for a fun agency such as [Company name].

I like what I know about the agency and company culture. It sounds like a place I’d fit in well. I’d love to chat with you to learn more about [Company name] and what opportunities might be available in the coming months. I will be in San Diego permanently from October 15 and am available for a phone or in-person interview any time before then. I’ve attached my resume for your reference.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you,

Erin

PS…Fun facts about me: I have two different colored eyes, speak French, lived in Europe for 8 years, have been to about 60 countries, know the words to pretty much every song ever written, have a jewelry line that I design and sell, am full of witty comebacks and am originally from Orange County. 

My boyfriend, Andrew, and I had only started dating 7 months before the world shut down last March. That’s not usually long enough for people to move in together, but when faced with the world as we knew it ending and strict lock down, he unofficially moved into my place and we quarantined together.

Keep in mind that I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before. I also had the cutest apartment ever at the time with every room decorated exactly how I wanted it and all my stuff perfectly set up just so. The thought of having his not-so-cute boy stuff everywhere all of a sudden gave me anxiety, but I moved some things around, made some space in the closet and bathroom and we made it work.

Surprisingly, it was a pretty easy transition. I worked from home in my office, he worked from the couch or dining room table. We had happy hour on the front porch, cooked dinner together and enjoyed each other’s company. We figured out how to get booze delivered (thank GOD for Drizzly!), where to buy good face masks, how to use the Houseparty app and watched Tiger King…you know, all the things everyone was figuring out in those first few weeks.

Things were going so well that about two months into quarantine he came back from a night at his apartment and was a different man. He was all lovely dovey and said that he’s ready to move out of his apartment for good, ready to move in with me and ready to have a baby. I’m sorry what??? This was big news since he had lived in his place two blocks from the beach, surrounded by his bffs, for 12 years. And also, he was the one bringing all this up, not me.

He had come to the realization that none of that other stuff mattered any more. My house and me now felt more like home than his place. He loved spending his time with me and wanted to be here instead of there.

Being a woman that has been conditioned to not say too much too soon for fear of scaring off a man by God forbid showing him that you like him, this all came as welcome news to me. It’s what every woman wants to hear from a man she’s super into.

Things moved quickly after that. We got a storage unit together and he officially moved in and got rid of his place a few weeks later. The next few months were a wild ride. We had to put his 15 year old dog down, we started trying for a baby, we got a puppy of our own and a joint checking account to pay for expenses, his dad died but we couldn’t be there because #COVID, we moved into a bigger house together and did two rounds of IVF.

That’s a lot of shit for any couple to go through, but all this happened in the span of about 6 months! It was intense to say the least. So I guess that’s what they mean when people say your life can be dramatically different a year from now. Sitting here in March of 2022, I can honestly say that a year ago I would have never thought all of this would have happened so quickly.

Lucky for us, quarantine helped solidify our relationship and commitment to each other. The fear and uncertainty of a global pandemic brought us together. The forced isolation helped us deepen our friendship and trust. The death of his dog and dad forced us to be vulnerable. We learned what makes each other tick and how to love each other. While it was a pretty shitty time for the entire world, it was a wonderful time for our relationship.

I know many relationships that didn’t survive quarantine. Thankfully we were, and still are, on the winning side of it. We have our health, each other, our puppy and a new life that we are continuing to create together.

It’s a bit surreal after being single for 40 years to now be in this relationship and have so many of the things I’ve wanted for so long. While I love it, there is part of me that also misses my previous life. More on that in another post.

For now, I’m happy to say that COVID and quarantine were a welcome catapult for our relationship. It’s nice to be able to have some good come out of something that has been so deadly and detrimental to so many people’s lives.

The two books below are definitely worth reading. They are completely different from each other, but both are so painfully accurate and authentic, they’ll have you feeling so connected to other women with similar experiences that you’ll want to tell all your friends about them, like me. Pour yourself a glass of wine and dive into both of these. Or better yet, pick one as your next book club read. You won’t regret it!

(And no, I’m not being paid to tell you this. They are just genuinely awesome and I think you’ll love them).

Pretending
by Holly Bourne (Toronto: Mira, 2020)

I cannot stress this enough, if you have been through the dating gauntlet for years (or decades) like I have, stop what you’re doing and get this book immediately! It’s a novel, but it is clearly written by someone who has been dragged through the dating trenches, repeatedly. It’s so relatable it feels as if the author is inside your head, sharing all your deep, dark dating secrets and experiences.

The stories she shares, the dialogue, the insecurities, the shit that goes through your head when you’re on a date or at a wedding or thinking about the fact that you may indeed be alone forever, all of it. She writes about it all, and with such candor and spot-on accuracy, you finish the book and think “Wow, that’s me. I’ve been there too!”

It’s refreshing and such a quick and easy read. Trust me on this one, buy it.

No One Tells You This
by Glynnis MacNicol (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2018)

This book is good on so many levels. When you’re a woman about to turn 40 and you’ve never been married and don’t have kids, there always seems to be a sense of failure. Like for some reason you’re not complete as a woman unless you have a husband and kids. It doesn’t matter how incredible your life is, how happy you are or what you’ve accomplished in other areas of your life, if you don’t have the partner and kids, it feels like you’ve failed.

Glynnis takes us along on her journey of turning 40 with brutal honesty, vulnerability and humor. It’s a story of self discovery and coming to grips with the fact that she’s actually happy with her life the way it is. Layered over her own experience is the story of her mother’s death and coming to grips with the gut-wrenching reality that your parent is gone.

It’s poignant, raw and incredibly accurate in the feelings and realizations that women at 40 grapple with. A must read to feel like you’re not alone if you too are 40, single and content with yourself and your life just the way it is.

When I was searching for my current job (VP of Marketing for a $3 billion healthcare staffing firm), I knew I didn’t want just any old job. I wanted to work an amazing company – one that had incredible benefits, great pay, a fun company culture and smart colleagues. I wanted a job that was going to be interesting and exciting, that would continue to challenge me and help me grow.

I knew these jobs were hard to come by and rarely advertised, so I came up with a new way to job search. Instead of endlessly scrolling on Indeed in the hopes something good might turn up, I got proactive with my search. Here’s what I did and what you should try too:

1. Go to Google and type in “Best places to work in [your desired city].”
   Most cities have a number of “Best Of” lists that come out annually. They’re usually issued by the local newspaper, business journal and city magazine. Find the lists from the last couple of years and go through every company listed. Read their blurbs, go to their websites, learn more about them.
   
   
2. See which companies look interesting to you.
   From those “Best Of” lists, find the companies that pique your interest and seem exciting to you. Obviously, not all will be a good fit. That’s ok. Find a few that fire you up and start digging around on their websites.
   
   Go to their corporate careers pages and see if they have any open jobs that suit you. If so, apply. If not, no worries, keep reading for how to approach them about potential future openings.
   
   
3. Email the CEO directly.
   A quick Google search should help you find the CEO’s name for any company on the list. Dig around and see if you can find their email address or the email structure for the company. Once you figure that out, you can copy the structure to email them.
   
   If you’re struggling to find their email, you can always call reception and say that you’re trying to email [insert name] and their email keeps getting bounced back. Ask them if they can confirm their email address. This usually works.
   
   Once you have their correct address, email them directly using this cover letter along with your resume. Here’s why: CEOs are busy people. Depending on the size of the company, they likely won’t take much time to look at your resume. However, if they like your cover letter or what they see of your resume, they’ll forward it on to their HR people. Considering recruiters see tons of applications every day, if the CEO sends them someone directly, you better believe they’ll follow up with that candidate. It’s your jump to the front of the line.
   
   
4. Create your resume using a Canva template.
   Make sure your resume looks good. Thankfully you no longer need to be a graphic designer to have a slick resume. Just go to Canva and pick any one of the free resume templates they offer. Plug in your information and change the colors or fonts to suit your taste.
   
   Whatever you do, do not just send in a plain white word doc with your information on it. Take the time to use a template and stand out from the sea of bland resumes. And please, for the love of God, have someone proof it. A typo on your resume is a death sentence. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true.
   
   
5. Follow up every week for 4 weeks.
   We all know that the squeaky wheel gets the oil. If you feel strongly enough about the company and that you would be a perfect fit, not just because the company sounds cool and you want the free lunches, but because you think you can actually add value as an employee, then stay on them.
   
   Follow up every week for 4 weeks and see what happens. More often than not, you’ll hear from them during that time.

This method worked for me and I know it will help you too. Obviously you need to have some qualifications and will need to sell yourself once you get a response, but these steps should help you get your foot in the door with some awesome companies.

I’m always here to help and would love to hear about your successes. Please keep me posted so I can cheer you on. Leave a comment or send me an email at erin@erinstafford.com. Best of luck in your job search. You’ve got this!

If there is only one book you read on the subject, please read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2010). It will completely transform your thinking on love and relationships.

Chapman defines the 5 love language as:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

Obviously most people enjoy all of these things from their partner. But Chapman argues that we usually have one or two dominant love languages. For me, it’s words of affirmation and physical affection.

Chapman’s basic argument is that we need to understand our partner’s love languages and our own in order to ensure we’re giving them what they need and we’re getting what we need to feel loved in return. The way people give and receive love is different. You may think you’re giving your partner tons of love, but because it’s not in their love language, they don’t interpret it as love.

For example, if you’re a words of affirmation person, you like to hear that you look great in that dress, that the dinner you cooked was delicious and be asked how your day was. But your partner may be a quality time person, so they just want to watch the sunset together that evening. They think they’re being a loving, supportive partner because you’re spending quality time together watching the sunset, but you feel empty because you just want them to tell you that you’re beautiful.

Another example could be that you’re a physical affection person. You like all the kisses and cuddles and love pats and hands on the knee and holding hands you can get. But your partner is an acts of service person. They’ll change your oil or wash your car for you, but you don’t register that as love. Sure, it’s a nice gesture, of course, but all you really want is a hug and a kiss and a cuddle.

As you can imagine, there are a million different scenarios of two people who give and receive love differently. Once you understand what your love language is and what you need to feel loved, you can communicate that to your partner. Then you can get an understanding of their love languages and what they need to feel loved.

More often than not, you’ll both need to adapt how you give love to ensure the other feels loved. It’s such a simple concept, but when you both have an understanding of the love languages and actively work to give the other what they need, it will make a profound difference in your relationship.

Trust me, read the book. It is a quick read and will legitimately transform the way you think about dating and your relationships forever.

No Man’s Land: The Search for Mr. Right
by Erin Stafford

INTRODUCTION

“Are you married?” she asks in a sweet voice. She glances down to look for a ring, but my hands are folded across my lap. “No,” I reply as best I can with dental tools in my mouth.

“Do you have kids? she continues. “No.” It’s clear where this is going.

“Divorced?” “No.” She pauses for a moment and I feel no need to explain myself or offer any other information. There’s an awkward silence and she feels the need to fill it, quickly adding, “My friend Jennifer never wanted to get married or have kids either. She’s had such an awesome life. She travels a ton and just bought a vacation home in the mountains and…blah blah blah.” I tune out. I don’t give a fuck about your friend. Any other questions you’d like to ask? Mmmmmkay, thanks. Just clean my damn teeth already and spare me your judgment and pity. For another ten minutes, she continues telling me all about this friend of hers in a nervous, and probably well-meaning, attempt to help me not feel bad about the plight of my life.

Isn’t it funny how people assume so much about you just by your marital status, or lack thereof? For all she knows I’m a widow who lost my husband in a horrific murder. Or have been trying to get pregnant for years with my long-time partner and suffered four miscarriages, the last of which was two weeks ago. Maybe I had cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy at 25 and will never be able to have biological kids. Maybe I’m a lesbian. Or maybe, just maybe, I haven’t met my person yet and still hope for marriage, kids and the happy ending. Gasp!

Yes, I’m still single. No, I’ve never been engaged, never married, and no, I don’t have any kids. Shit, I’ve never even really lived with a boyfriend unless you count the ex who moved in uninvited for a few months because he thought it would be cheaper to put his stuff in a storage unit and live in a hotel with his daughter than rent an apartment. More on that later.

At 39, I feel like I need a good divorce under my belt just to feel normal. Because how could I possibly make it this far in life without ticking off at least one achievement on society’s romantic to-do list? Surely something must be wrong with me.

I have the self-awareness to know that I can’t blame everyone else forever. It has to be me. Right? I’m the common denominator. I’m the constant. It has to be me! At least that’s what I’ve told myself repeatedly over the years.

Although the older I get, the more I realize it’s probably a combination of things, one of which may or may not be me. Actually, probably the least of which is me. Dating today is crazy. Fucking crazy! You gotta have some seriously thick skin and nerves of steel, yet still somehow remain positive, upbeat, fun and not jaded. You need to be a mind reader to decipher all the texts and emojis. An expert flirt and sex kitten without being slutty. An award-winning writer of your online dating profile and text banter. A model to ensure you look great in your photos and in person, but not high maintenance or over done. Be successful, but not too successful that you scare guys off. Interesting but not intimidating, and God knows what else. Good luck with that! … to be continued.

Leave me a comment and let me know what you think. You can also hear more of the book on IGTV. I’ve shared a ton of it there. Check out @erinmstafford to follow along.