The Relationship Diva

Spring Cleaning

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:30:00 +0000

Isn't it a breath of fresh air when you've cleaned out your closet, after realize how much junk you've been collecting -- and for no other reason than you're afraid to throw things away?

I'd say so. And that's the best analogy I had when thinking about exes and what it means to remove their phone numbers in my cell phone.

See, many people are clutter bugs -- keeping all the old junk because it's comfortable. Heck, I'll own my own clutter tendencies. But, I'm finding that's collecting and cluttering is what you don't want to do when you're trying to move on. And keeping their numbers is a sure example of collecting the excess.

For a while, I tried changing the ex's name to IGNORE, so if the number called me, I knew it was someone I should not be speaking to. But, that didn't work all that well either, given the fact that I KNEW the number, thus allowing me to stay in touch if I wanted.

So when Casanova reached out -- and I responded -- I considered doing a bit of housekeeping... And, then, when I started getting super short answers from Jackson, and slow/no responses from Lionel, I realized it was high time I purge the phone book of the men that likely won't be resurfacing in my life.

So in one shot, Jackson, Lionel and the Casanova disappeared from my phone book. (We were actually rooting for Jackson, right? Yeah...)

Now, I know it doesn't seem like much. But for me, the ability to delete them is symbolic, in a way. Basically, it states that I won't give anyone the time that doesn't give me the time -- sticking to the principle that silence does indeed speak volumes.

Image Credit: Angela Kohler/Photoxpress

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Mon, 08 Mar 2010 00:00:00 PST

The Non-Negotiables

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 05:35:00 +0000

Just this week, Marisol and I were having some dinner when we spent some time talking about one of her colleagues, Shelly (who I've been out with before), and some of her recent dating experiences. This opened up the floodgates for Marisol and I to discuss the deal breakers. You know -- what you will not give on when dating someone.

Later that night and since then, I've found myself thinking about that very thing. What are my "deal breakers" when dating someone?

Truth is, I think it's a good thing to have those set things you need in a companion: if you know yourself, then you know what you will and won't be happy with -- thus reducing the chances of you lowering your standards. What good is it if you compromise what you want for what you think you can live with? That's no fun.

For me, based on the plethora of stories I've shared on this blog, I've started to consider the times I've compromised, and the times I haven't yielded, realizing that I've been too extreme on either side (too flexible or too unyielding). These days, I find myself shutting down so I don't have to choose at all.

Either way you go, you set the pace for your own dating fate when you set up too many non-negotiables. So, it may be worth to examine them if you have 'em -- or create them if you don't -- so you're doing the weeding process you need to do for you... It's hard enough to find a mate without us complicating it for ourselves.

Gotta love the dating rollercoaster.

Photo credit: Photoxpress/mearicon

Crosstown Hook Ups

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 21:29:00 +0000

Earlier this week, I got a text message from the Casanova, who has consistently bobbed in and weaved out of my life. It's been that way since I met him nearly four years ago. But, since I thought he was so hot, I let it go. Besides, you never know when you need someone to just "fill in."

Anyway, when I sent him a reply to acknowledge the message, he then proceeded to launch into our usual exchange -- trying to get me over to his place to pick up where we left off. I quickly responded, letting him know if he wanted to see me, he would of course, need to try to make it happen: come to me, pick me up (like I used to with him when we hooked up a while back), whatever.

In all honesty, while I've entertained the idea of seeing him (Heck, everyone has weaknesses!) what's kept me away is actually going out there. Then I don't know... I suddenly lose interest.

Don't get it wrong. I'm not typically lazy. And there lots of times I like going over to the guy's place: if we're dating or there's some type of continuity between us... Just something that would indicate another level of familiarity or intimacy. That way, I don't feel quite so seedy leaving in the morning. Granted, guys may not care about this as much. But for me, as a woman, I have to say that leaving a guy's place whom I'll only see once in a blue moon doesn't always feel very great. In fact, it's kind of empty.

Needless to say we didn't make it work. Which was OK with me. That was when I realized that one of the reasons we'll likely never work out is because neither one of us has been willing to make an effort to actually spend time with each other. Truth is, as hot as he is, since what we have seems to be primarily superficial, I'm not all that invested. So, spending $40 in cabs to see him wouldn't exactly be on my list of priorities. On the other hand, for a man that I see more than once in a while (and makes an effort to see me), then I'd be willing to go out of my way to another part of town -- without being in a rush to split or maybe spend a little more time enjoying his company.

Of course, this is all different than when you're in it for the one-nighter. Then we're talking a whole different ballgame.

Photo Credit: iStockPhoto/SteveGeer

The dangers of being needy

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 07:00:00 +0000

When I first started dating, I was immediately caught up in how I should behave in a new relationship: How often should I call or text? How long should I wait before expressing how I feel? How often do I suggest getting together? Do I call him after the first date or wait for him to follow up?

While this does happen today -- although not nearly as frequently as it did, say five years ago -- I can say I've improved my "radar" on these things, trusting my gut and hoping that if the guy is into me, these rules won't matter.

Anyway, I can't say that this same philosophy resonates with all the men in my life. For example, I met this guy, Aaron, while on a business trip a little while back. We met in passing so we never really got to talk. But, given the fact that he was pretty adorable, I gave him my number to trade a couple of texts. And, when I left the following day, I assumed that was the end of it. Boy was that wrong.

Since then, he's been incessantly texting me, and all sorts of messages that I guess can be seen as romantic for some -- but to me seem a little needier than I prefer my men to be... They include him talking about how he love my "aura," believes that meeting me was "destiny," is in love with my eyes (for the two seconds he saw them) since they're the "window to the soul"...

Yes, yes -- I KNOW. How cliche.

I've questioned his authenticity REPEATEDLY, but unless he's putting up really good game (which isn't working), I'd say that he's bordering on trying too hard and being a bit too attached.

Now, this attention isn't something I'm used to. However, now that I'm experiencing it, I'm realizing that there really is a such thing as too much.

I can't say that I see a future with Aaron and myself, considering our distance of hundreds of miles and his overly proclaiming his interest in me without as so much as knowing my last name. However, by talking to him, I have been given a gentle reminder of what it looks like when you get too intense. And if that prevents me from scaring away a potential mate, then I'm quite all right with that.

Image Credit: Photoxpress

Ghosts of Lovers Past

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 18:15:00 +0000

A few nights ago, I was walking home from a long day out and out when I bumped into someone that made me do a double take -- Lionel. As a bit of context, I met him and we went out on a mostly rockin' date. Then things turned.... Eh, not so great. Despite it, I still liked him, and I'd always imagined what could happen if we got over the little hurdle of an icky first date.

Anyway, later that night, I found myself thinking about the "What Ifs" and wondering how the order of the men in my life have impacted how I've treated the ones after them: Did I tolerate Reggie, Juan or the Casanova because I was still reeling from the difficulty of losing Charles? Or was I scared of Dave because of the possibility of what could happen between us?

My mind drifted over the moments (and I mean ALL of the moments) with old flames, reflecting on the past issues, the questions and the "What Ifs" that haunt someone when taking up with someone new. Each time, a little bit of the previous relationship is left behind -- or kind of like "ghosts" of your exes.

Is it possible to move on? Of course it is. People do it every day. It's like an exorcisms after a break-up. Heck, that's what recovery is about. But, in the same turn, is it possible to really blast all remnants of lovers past?

So far, I haven't been able to escape those ghosts -- well, not fully. I still fantasize about my times with Charles every so often, or dream about the maybes with Juan. I also still wonder what would happen if things with Lionel ever picked up again.

Instead of trying to run from my old flames, I aim to make peace with parts of my past: accept a situation for what it is, make no current love interest responsible for old experiences and hold on to the fun things as sweet and savory memories so I can appreciate the relationship for what it was.

What I'm making a practice of is trying not to use one dating example as completely absolute of all future dating situations. Otherwise, no man stands a chance.

Image Credit: 123RF

The Child Factor

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 06:31:00 +0000

Admittedly, when you start dating someone, you can only hope that the two of you don't run into any obstacles that would get in the way of getting closer to each other. Things like an intense ex or a pushy best friend can really end up being troublesome in a blooming relationship. But, what do you do if it's something else -- like a child?

It's actually one of the very issues that got in the way of me and my ex, Charles. And, it seems like the very issue Marisol is tackling with more than one of the men in her life. For starters, she learned through the ever revealing Facebook that her old hook-up, Will, is as of a month ago a father. FACEBOOK. And the kicker here? The baby was born just a few days after he spent the night with her. (UGH!)

And now, Marcus, the new younger man in her life, has just recently introduced her to his very small child, who's basically just shy of pre-school age!

I have to admit, this makes me shudder NOT because of the children. I grew up in a huge family, love kids and hope to have one or maybe two of my own (as much as I may put up appearances). But because these guys aren't married nor are they currently in long term relationships, it's just a little trickier to comprehend. Essentially, these two young men brought a whole new life into this world just like that. Meanwhile, me, very career centric and living on my own can't even fathom the idea of taking care of another life form right now. At least, not alone.

I truly believe that children are the result of very special unions, regardless of how couples fare out after their offspring is born. But, I get a little confused when this happens in a situation like Will's or Marcus's -- had so young and then dealing with the reactions of potential dating companions, like Marisol.

But, while not a fan of how young he is as a dad, I must commend Marcus for his upfront approach letting Marisol know about his child early on. It's honest, real, and can be seen as a mature move. Will, on the other hand...

Regardless of whether someone has a child or not, it's how the parent puts it out there that matters. Then the rest is up to the two in the relationship. If it's strong enough, it'll weather the storm, right?

Well, that's the hope.

Age: Isn't It Just a Number?

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 01:18:00 +0000

So, for the longest time, I've had a hang up about dating men younger than I am. Sounds stereotypical and cliche, but truth is, I prefer my men with a bit of life experience, a little established, and with some type of focus or ambition. And, if past precedence is anything to go by, men my age (mid/late 20s) and younger don't seem to have these things quite as developed -- or aren't focused in quite the same way. At least my odds are better when a man is a touch older than I am. Theoretically speaking, of course.

Anyway, I say this speaking from personal preferences -- of course, understanding that there may be several arguments to the contrary. And, I've had my fair share of men who contradict what I've just said (The Casanova, for one). However, generally it's a rule of thumb I tend to apply, making case-by-case exceptions based on the man and the circumstances (Heck, the months of difference between Jackson and myself makes me kooky).

Well, this is the same issue that has caused me to poke a little fun at Marisol lately. A couple of weeks back, she met a good looking young man, Marcus. And since then she's been like a giddy schoolgirl. It's actually all quite adorable. But the clincher here? He is six years her junior.

This isn't a huge gap in most cases. But in the 20s? I'd say it's noteworthy. If I think about what I knew just coming out of college and now... I've learned lots more since then. I'd also say that my behavior and social habits have changed on many levels. Overall, many differences.

So that's why it's hard for me to fathom. However, Marisol's happy. It's genuine... And regardless of whether this situation works or not, I think the whole happiness thing would be the strongest argument. She's happy, and Marcus is helping with that. What more could you need?

I mean, would you rule out someone that makes you happy just because of a "chronology error"? (Of course I use this term very loosely)

As for me? I'm not sure. He'd have to be a heck of a guy... :-)

Image Credit: Flickr by aknace

A Little Distance and a Lot of Rules

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 23:40:00 +0000

We all have ways of dealing with our emotions. Some make jokes when they're nervous, some people get quiet when they're angry and others blush when they're embarrassed.

But, when you're into someone, what do you do? Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Or do you clam up and hide behind the rules you're "supposed" to follow in dating so as not to appear weak?

Well, honestly, I'd say that I'm the queen of the latter when it comes to the courting stages -- keep a little distance and follow a lot of "rules," mostly of my own creation. See, when it comes to being into someone, my approach has been to not be needy, and only give in when I think they're into me.

So, to get "gender bias" I try to play like a guy at first... A touch of standoffish but keep them wanting more.

Now to me, this seemed fool-proof (After all, ladies, how many times have you chased after a guy that seems to be a bit distant?) But, given the standstill I've had in the relationship department I would say it doesn't work too well.

So, what I'm coming to understand is that distance + too many rules = self-imposed obstacles to getting what you want.

Where is this coming from? Well, I saw Jackson last night. And, we had another awesome night -- which felt a lot like our first date. It was fun, natural and easy. Which is so hard to come by.

After some talking about the last time we saw each other, it's clear that a lot of mutual wires were crossed... And, hearing some of the things he had to say (i.e. assuming he was talking about me), I'm also understanding that I didn't help it by writing him off simply because I was afraid to ask questions. At that point, was it really about his ego? Or was it about avoiding the bruising of my ego? You know, I'm not quite sure. Maybe it was a bit of both.

At this stage in the game, the jury is still out on what comes next. But at the moment, all I need to know is that I'm having a good time. And while I'm not in over my head, I'll consider opening up little by little. At least until I have a reason to tear it all down. I don't have that yet...

The Heart of the Matter

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 06:10:00 +0000

This evening, I was talking to my dad, which is interesting -- he and I have a somewhat strained relationship, possibly because we're lots alike.

Anyway, tonight was interesting because we got into a conversation about my love life. Now, while I know this is a weird conversation with my father, he did make mention that while he thought I had a "tough skin" that I inherited from him, that my softer, dreamier side, comes from my mother (May she rest in peace).

"Deep down, that tender, softer, hopeful side of you... That's your mother," he said. "But you shield your heart. And it'll take a special guy to tear that down."

Ouch...

Warning: Truthful revelation ahead!

Now, this made me quiet. Truth is, as much as I hate to admit it... He's right. By default, I do tend to have a rough outer shell. But, deep down, I'm a sentimental type. I dream, too. And I'm super scared of getting hurt. I mean, who isn't?

That said, I found myself thinking about Single City Guy's post, and Jackson. Honestly, I've spent lots more time than I care to admit abiding by the rules in dating and love. But lately, for the first time in a while, with Jackson... I thought I could entertain the idea of throwing the rules away with him. But the last time I allowed myself to get so caught up, it stung. Badly. So I was treading lightly. Guess that didn't go too well.

Admittedly, even though I am still nursing the bruises... It's because I may have been into the situation more than I realize.

Damn. It bugs me to admit that.

Things have been quiet between us so I'm guessing this chapter is closed. But I guess I'm wishing it wasn't...

Crap.

Ignoring The Rules

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 19:09:00 +0000

And, as luck would have it, one of my favorite guy bloggers, SingleCityGuy, decides he's going to post something today about ignoring the rules when you like someone.

So I post this for all of you... But also for me, since sometimes, it may be OK to throw the rules out the window. And I need to remember that.

With that said: Ignoring The Rules

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Ego Tripping

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 12:00:00 +0000

"...I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal I cannot be comprehended except by my permission..." - Nikki Giovanni, "Ego Tripping"

While my tastes in men have evolved since I started dating, one thing that has pretty much been consistent has been my preferences for men with a little bit of swagger. Simply put, I prefer men with an air of confidence and maybe, even just a touch of arrogance. Not dripping and overpowering, mind you. Just enough so that (1) he always projects a sense of strength to anyone he meets and (2) isn't intimidated by how challenging I may get or how strong-willed I am.

Anyway, the objects of my affection have embodied some semblance of this confidence in different ways. For example, I was infatuated with Vincent in high school because he was the coolest guy in my class: well-liked, popular and always dated upperclassmen. The thought of landing him was a catch in and of itself. And I was drawn to that allure and the confidence he projected.

Since then, most of the men in my life have been the same way, which was quite fine by me. However, I started to wonder that after spending some more time with Jackson this weekend.

As you may know, Jackson and I have been on a little bit of a spin the last couple of weeks. First, we had a great meeting and date... Then it ends rather quickly... And then we take another run at it. But now, it's a hung jury -- mainly because the quality I'd loved so much in past flames is... Well, a little overdeveloped in Jackson.

So, I made plans to see him on Friday night, which went well: really low key, nice glass of wine, good chatter and some warm comfort. In short, a lovely night between friends.

Anyway, after falling asleep, I woke up the next morning happy with the night before. So, when we started talking about dating and hook-ups, Jackson made it a point to say that for some reason, women have never been able to just "hook-up" with him. Somehow, attachment always gets in the way (mentally and emotionally), and that he manages to establish a strong physical connection with women, even if his "performance" is sub-par. In short, he's just good at being him...

Now, I could appreciate confidence in what you bring to the table -- physically or otherwise. However, his tone and arrogance had instantly turned me off, making me much less attracted to him in a matter of moments. I suddenly felt like he'd reduced our connection to this one-sided thing in which I would helplessly be fawning all over him. And while I had indeed been swept away in our meeting and initial encounters, in my mind, it was directly connected to the vibe I was feeling between us -- not because of a magical spell I was under.

I don't think I misunderstood what he was trying to say. But, I admit that it actually disappointed me and to some extent made me a bit self-conscious about us. And I'm thinking that's not so good...

I mean, what could explain why he'd feel the need to say that? Now that's the part that's tripping me out...

A Single Heart's Manifesto to Cupid

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 08:10:00 +0000

Note: So what, pray tell, is a relationship blog without a Valentine's Day post? Although it may be cliche, it's kind of a mandate, I'm sure of it.

I just got back from a very brief excursion out on the town, only to realize just how many singles there are out there, with many of them looking for the possibility of love. Honestly, maybe I assumed more of the world was paired up, but a being out tonight quickly told me otherwise. All the anti-Valentine's Day pub crawlers... And all those eager souls, hanging on to a glimmer of hope that they can find someone who can help them forget even for a moment that they're single...

In any event, I've decided to take advantage of this "holiday" to pay tribute to the very emotion at the heart of it -- the one that has been the inspiration for some of the best music ever recorded, at the core of some of history's greatest stories, at the root of some of Hollywood's most fascinating tales (on and off screen) and is the center of what many bloggers like me are ultimately trying to dissect: LOVE.

My way of doing this? Writing a manifesto -- or my declaration -- to Cupid. Hope he's paying attention. And hope you enjoy!

A Single Heart's Manifesto to Cupid

I, being of sound Mind & Heart do declare that:

I am a single woman
I am open to finding someone with long-term potential
I have had experiences in love that have impacted some of the choices I've made
I will not use previous relationships as a "yardstick" to evaluate current or future dating prospects
I will not try to make a dating prospect something they're not
I will allow myself to be pleasantly surprised
I will not make an attempt to minimize something when it's going well
I will manage my own expectations and not build someone up to be what they're not
I intend to view my single status (while I am single) as an opportunity to enjoy myself while taking the time to find someone deserving of me
My single status is not absolute and can change at any time. That at any point, should I choose to be open to it, I can allow myself the chance to trust and be with someone who can bring out the best in me

Yours Truly,

The RD

Not So Chance Encounters

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 19:21:00 +0000

In all my time dating in the ever booming Chicago social scene (half kidding here, folks), I can say that I've rarely had run-ins with any old flames. With the exception of maybe Charles (see here, here, here and here for reference) who happened to live in my neighborhood and work within close proximity of me, I've been lucky to dodge most of the men that have come and gone in my life.

Well, most of them.

See, I'm not one to be too superstitious. However, truth be told, I don't believe in simple coincidences when something -- or someone -- keep resurfacing in your life. On the contrary, those are the very things that to me are flags that the universe is trying to tell me something.

But I digress. Besides, that's a whole other conversation.

Anyway, I was out at a networking event, having a pretty good time when I spotted a man that I recognized right away. Slick smile, dark eyes, nice build... In short I was smitten, and the feeling had been an all-too-familiar one -- like I'd seen this guy before -- and that he'd had the same effect on me then.

So, seeing as how I'm on this boldness kick for 2010, I asked him if I knew him (literally, "Have we met before?"), acknowledging how cliche I may have sounded. And, when he spoke, I knew.

I'd met the guy, Martin, while I was out on the town more than three years ago. We'd met at a Friday night social at one of the city's museums and hit it off (so I thought). Traded numbers and made plans to meet. But that never materialized.

I had long put it out of my mind when I met him a second time, more than 6 months later. That exchange wasn't so nice. But admittedly I was still drawn to him (and that smile). Nothing ever came of that, so I again put it out of my head.

So, with all that time passed and all that's transpired since then, he was the furthest thing from my mind. And seeing him again? I was completely taken aback. But curious all the same, which is why I approached him.

Anyway, what came after that was some superficial conversation -- I mean, I decided I needed to keep it light and breezy so he wouldn't know that I still thought he was HOT. Because truth was, I did.

So it was while I was trying to play it cool that he pulls out his phone, showing me he still had my number saved. And this made me chuckle:

Me: It's cute you have it in there. But it's not like you used it.

Him: Yeah, but I have it. I'm not a deleter.... Seriously, I'm sorry about then but this is now.

Me: Of course. It's a different time. And if you want to find me, then at least I know you know how. But that's all you.

Him: Well I'll do that.

Me: (shrugging) We'll see.

And that's it. It parted with a very "up in the air" vibe. But this time that's OK. Because I realize now that the mistake I made the last two times I met him was putting too much stock into the idea of him. Instead, all I needed to do was NOT do the typical thing -- invest too much time in the possibility of being with him. (Isn't hindsight 20/20?) In the meantime, not holding my breath.

See! You date enough and you learn a thing or two.

For Love of the Drama

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 15:04:00 +0000

In the world of dating, when one door closes, another one often opens rather quickly. Now, usually, that's a good thing.

Operative term there is "usually." And, while we know the logical thing to do when it comes to our dating lives (i.e. when to say yes or no, what people we should let into our lives or when we should stay away from someone with baggage), we as people ultimately like to get at least a little close to the fire -- for the thrill if nothing else.

Granted, I think this skews heavily female. But based on the whirlwind week, and my tendency to revisit my past every so often (during dry spells or just because), I'd wager to say that even I have an occasional taste for the drama... Just getting at least a little close to things... Thinking it may be fun.

See, since Jackson, I've somehow managed to get myself into a mess of attention, some of which I'm not helping by fanning the flames just a bit. I'd have to call this a case of "When-It-Rains-It-Pours" Syndrome. What this taste of drama has looked like for me this week?

An old flame, Juan (who I've mentioned here and here), has somehow decided he doesn't completely out of my life -- or he wants to keep playing our games -- by reaching back out to have me over to his new place. He's been thinking about me, he says. Can't wait to see me, he says. Verdict? Yeah, skeptical. Been down this road. It sucks that he's so cute, though.
Vincent decides to profess his love for me. Oh, and that he's still hellbent on being together. Verdict says here that this could get so very intense. Once it sounded like it was a nice idea... But I don't know that I'm headed down that road yet -- or, not with him...
I meet a very handsome guy while out on the town, Matt. He's flirting, things seem light and fun... And then he tells me he has a girlfriend. Sigh. Much like a night I've experienced before.
And then there's Jackson. Yes, Yes, I know... And as luck would have it, things didn't go as he planned. So he called. Was he trying to win me back? No. But, he seemed to want to close the loop, and have us evolve into something -- if I wanted. Truth here is that he'd still been on my mind... And I'm not opposed to that idea at all. Mind you -- not too keen on being a second fiddle. But, well, maybe it's OK to take a chance. After all, he didn't need to find me.

I mean, I'm not the only one. I mean, I can tell you that many of my girls (Marisol and Caroline included) seem to end up in tricky little hurdles that require a bit of "management" -- a guy that's too young, or a guy that likes her too much (YES that is a problem) or a guy with too much baggage... Ugh.

But it's the drama. And it makes things a little exciting -- sometimes.

What can we say about the drama situation? Not sure. But my theory is I'll totally be over it the second I fall pretty hard for a guy.

Now, just waiting for that to happen....

All That Glitters...

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:28:00 +0000

...Is not gold.

That's the moral of this story. Let me put that out there now.

The story itself is actually pretty darn simple: Jackson, who seemed to be emerging as a nice lookin' prospect in my life is no longer.

I know, I know. That was QUICK.

And I agree. It was. After seeing him again earlier this week and having a nice, fun, and intimate night... I learn just today that a girl with whom he thought things were over has suddenly decided she wanted to work it out.

And he decided that he did too.

And, it was decided it would be all over via text. I'm paraphrasing but it went like this:

Me: Hope you're well. Still love to see you later on Friday. You game?

Him: Can we talk? My situation has changed.

Me: Level with me. What is it?

Him: It was a woman I was seeing. I thought it was dead, but now she wants to fix things.

Me: Say no more. I don't really have anything I want to say to that.

Him: I had no idea, or I would have never tried to start things with you.

Me: Seems like you know where you stand. I respect that -- bummed but glad you know what you want. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Him: Thanks. I'm sorry.

So that's it. Just like that. And truth? Yep, I am bummed. But appreciate his honesty. Doesn't make it hurt less. But, feeling a serious case of "the one before the one."

Guess it's time to go back to the drawing board on this one. If anyone has some seriously fun suggestions for me to channel my energies this weekend, I'm all for it. :-)

An Open Letter: Love You Like a Brother

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 05:48:00 +0000

Preface: How do you break it to someone when you're not into them? Truth is, it's never easy. And we deal with it all sorts of ways... Sometimes we run, sometimes we dance around the truth and sometimes we're brutal. But, how about just being honest?

Novel concept, I know. But, it's this very situation happening to one of my girlfriends, Marisol. So, for this post, I took an attempt at writing a letter that would gently break the news to a guy.

I'm all about softening the blow, diplomacy, blah, blah... But that's just me.

So with that said, here goes nothin':

"Hey you,

I don't know how to tell you how awesome I think you are. Seriously. We've been close from the start, and it's only grown since then to be this solid friendship for me -- a friendship with someone I genuinely respect, admire and appreciate in my life.

Knowing you the way that I do, I've realized that I love what we have now and that it's for me to see you outside of that.

Even as I say this, it's hard because I know things have gotten complicated. But, hoping you can trust our relationship -- I want you to know it's the best way for me to let you know how I'm feeling. But I'm also loving the idea of a drink or dinner, too. Let's talk soon?

Always,

Me"

I know it sounds like dancing around the issue... It always does. But somewhere you need to reaffirm a friendship. And if you're friends, you'll make it through...

After the whole weirdness thing clears up, of course.

Take Love Slowly

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 05:15:00 +0000

"...We don't have to rush the night away... There's always going to be another day...A time to make love and a time to play... What I'm trying to say, take love slowly..."

- Don't Rush (Take Love Slowly), K-Ci & JoJo

What do you do when you meet someone and the chemistry is instant? Do you run with it, or do you wait?

Now this conversation is probably as old as time, and has been discussed often (my personal fave? Single City Guy's post on the 90 Day Rule). However, it's been a long while since I've actually had to put it to the test, which is exactly what happened tonight.

This past Friday, while out with my colleagues, I met an incredibly good looking guy, Jackson. When he approached me, I had no idea I was the target, but I was certainly pleased when he asked for my number. We spoke the following day, and made plans to go out tonight.

I was nervous about what to expect, and a small part of me didn't really expect anything to come out of it. However, our fluid conversation and clear physical chemistry made it apparent that there was potential. And I was totally into it.

Anyway, we went out for coffee later, when we were very playful and romantically flirting with each other. The vibe was electric and I knew that I was feeling it bubble up inside.

As the night progressed, we talked about the idea of what would come next... And I told him flat out that if he were into hooking up only, he should just level with me -- after all, it would save us a lot of time to not play that game. He responded that it was because he was into me that he would go against what he was feeling and would hold back while we figured it all out.

While headed home, I thought about the night, and about Jackson, realizing that while I felt the fire, I realized I was happy that we pulled the breaks on it. Many a time, I've made the mistake of riding the chemistry wave only to have it blow up in my face.

But this time it's looking good... Because for now, he seems to want to play it patient. And that's feeling nice. Treading lightly though -- in case this is game of its own. And not trying to be bound by overly traditional rules. Actually, trying something new and making them up as I go. (**Smile**)

Who knows where this will go? Juggling a lot in my life, but right now, I'm riding out the patience wave... And hopefully that'll lead to the fire I've wanted.

The One After The One

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 04:10:00 +0000

Earlier this week, I was having lunch with my boss, mentor and friend who I'll call Rochelle. In catching up on life, I started to talk about my dating life and the impact that my first love, Charles, had on my life.

After I told the story, Rochelle made a strong and interesting observation: After you find "The One," can you be happy with another "The One"?

I know, I know... Huh?

Well, let's look at a well-known couple: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. For years, we swore they were happy, from couple status to marriage. But then, when Brad started working with Angelina, everything changed and he and Jen were over. And that's when the world took sides. "Team Aniston" or "Team Jolie" it was, as people decided which woman was really the love of Brad Pitt's life.

Now, rumors are swirling about whether or not Brad and Angelina will last... And regardless, it's clear that no relationship is as steadfast as we think. So, was he better off being with Angelina in the long run?

Another example? Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo. After breaking up with Nick Lachey, they each went their separate ways... And Jessica told the world she was in love with Tony. But the break-up headlines and being called a jinx? Personally I thought Nick seemed like the better pick.

The point here is simply this: Sometimes, leaving someone for someone that may be the one may be a hit or miss.

I guess that's where you're taking a leap of faith, isn't it?

Games Boys Play

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 02:55:00 +0000

How honest would you want someone to be with you about what they want?

Part of the problem in the dating world are the games we all play. You know what I'm talking about. Meeting someone, thinking you've forged a connection... And the anticipation after the encounter, wondering if you'll hear from them again, if they were into you... Only to be followed by intense disappointment when it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.

Now, off the bat -- and forgive me for this -- this is something that more directly seems to apply to the ladies. As much as I believe that women can and should be empowered to go after what they want in the dating world, by and large, it's women who are more likely to fuss over a guy that doesn't call over a man that doesn't hear from a girl after he's given her his number.

That said, it doesn't mean that a woman wouldn't be open to honesty. Or at least, that's what a conversation with my girls Marisol and Caroline revealed this evening. We were sitting in Caroline's living room when it all came out, after Marisol shared with us that she was disappointed that Karaoke Boy failed to call her after their meeting the previous weekend. And that's when the floodgates opened, leading to a bunch of random tales and rant sessions that can only happen among your girls. Then, she asked a simple question: "Why ask for my number if you don't plan to use it? I would much rather prefer a guy be straight up than to play games. At least that's honest and I don't waste my time trying to get to know him to only find out he only wants to hook up."

While Caroline didn't quite feel she'd want the kind of honesty Marisol was talking about, I have to admit that I did get Marisol's point -- and I agreed. Soon, I found myself thinking back to times I met a guy, had him ask for my number only never to call and wondering why he even bothered in the first place. Isn't it just more honest to put everything on the table and see if she'd even be game for what's he up to? These days, it seems that both sides can play that game.

I know that many people wouldn't want to hear that someone only wants them for one thing. But, I would imagine it would be just as damaging to the ego to not hear from the guy whom you thought was totally into you over those cranberry vodkas you had until four in the morning, convinced he was just as into you as you were into him. And the non-call makes it loud and clear that the intentions weren't mutual.

As long as the human species continues to date, this will always be an issue. But I'd like to make a small plea to start cutting through the bull, and level on what it is you want. Who knows? Without the game playing, you may end up getting what you really want from a person who thinks the same way sans the drama.

Unless you're into your life playing out like a 90210 love triangle.

Image Credit: Agent Double Deuce

"It's Complicated"

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 05:34:00 +0000

When it comes to dating situations, I find that not defining things is the safest way to go. That is, avoiding the labels and letting things go where they may -- at least until both parties are sure they want to be with each other.

Where is this coming from? Well, a while back I made mention of a "telephone courtship" I was having with a guy I'd met through the online dating thing. I was skeptical at first, and when we did a LOT more phone conversation than actually seeing each other, I just got discouraged. Truth is, I really did like him but if it wasn't moving ahead, then why get invested? And, our distances and demanding work lives did nothing to help the situation.

So, I moved on. Sure, I talked to him, but I didn't focus on being with him so as to not drive myself crazy. Heck, we'd tried to get together on multiple occasions, canceling on each other, picking mini-fights when one bailed on the other... What's the point if we can't make it work?

But then we started talking again. And he -- who we'll call Sean -- ended up telling me that he was bummed about how things went and that he really did want to try things out. And, thinking I had nothing to lose (while recalling how I did feel about him) told him I felt the same. And we started making plans again.

Fast forward to early this week. Given the business holiday, he ended up coming in over the weekend for his birthday. We ended up painting the town red with some drinks, laughs, flirting, professing the feelings of "like"... And then, well...

The following day, we spent a lazy day together, ordering take out and going out for sweets... I mean, if I didn't know better I would have sworn we were a couple!

Now, I'm also something of a realist, and aware that taking it to bed does not mean insta-relationship. But, given our history... Well, it becomes more than a casual romp session, which therefore makes it a little more complicated.

I haven't done the overly-girly thing and talked to him about what this means - mainly because I'm not ready to define it. But, off the bat, I'd say it just got a little ickier than your average hook up.

But, here's where I put a halt to my "analysis" of the situation... What's going to be will just be, right? Right?

Well, time's going to have to help with that one (As if I don't have my hands full already, right?). But I can tell you I won't be changing my Facebook status quite yet.

The Hook Up Game (A Saturday Night Tale)

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 06:03:00 +0000

So as it is in the world of dating, the last few days have been a whirlwind and filled with stories. But, since I can only tell one at a time, I'll share this experience/encounter with you.

Warning: Unlike many of my posts, the lesson here is not bundled neatly at the end of this post. Well, not quite. This post is much more for entertainment purposes.

This past Saturday night, I was out for Marisol's birthday. If you've been reading past posts, you'll know she's a partner in crime and I find that my most colorful and entertaining stories happen when she's around.

But I digress. We ended up out in a trendy part of Chicago, spending much of our night at a popular karaoke bar and not leaving until they were closing some time around 3 a.m. While waiting outside, we saw two guys just randomly hanging out as though trying to decide what to do next. And that's when Marisol decides to flip the script:

Marisol: Are you guys single?

Both Guys: (In unison) Yes.

Marisol: Good. Then you're coming with us.

And like that, we'd adopted these two guys, headed to another all night bar in the area. Shaking my head, I was curious to see how this would all unfold.

Meanwhile, our other friend Caroline had hit it off with a guy at the karaoke bar. He was extremely attractive, and that seemed to be a pretty locked and loaded hook up (I found out later that it worked out quite well for her!)

Anyway, in addition to Caroline, Marisol and I were with Shelly, one of her other colleagues. While Shelly had been playing it neutral at the karaoke bar, she arrived to the second bar, ready to go, and immediately capturing the attention of a handsome, well-dressed man in the corner who had his eyes on her. Soon, they proceeded to get quite cozy on the couch, long forgetting that they were in a booming crowded bar on a Saturday night.

So here are my friends, Marisol, Caroline and Shelly, all with good-looking men, and making love connections in a matter of minutes. Granted, connections like this aren't usually considered ones with the greatest chance of success (unless of course, you're the "exception to the rule," in which case we can debate that one for a while), but it was fascinating to see how these couples gravitated towards each other rather quickly.

As for me? Sometime in between Marisol engaging with one of the karaoke boys and Shelly engaging with Mr. Handsome Man, I spotted a very good-looking man, Jonathan, in the corner, having a drink alone. And, armed with my new motto of just going for it, I decided to approach him to see what would come of it.

We immediately traded a host of light-spirited jokes and comments, and I quickly realized that he was quite sharp and worth paying attention to. And, when I told him (honestly) that I was initially concerned about approaching him because of how he'd respond to me he impressed me with a simple response:

Me: Glad I came over. I was a little nervous about how this would play out and what you'd think.

Him: Well, you're here now. Let's not over-think it and see where it goes. But you've already got my attention.

And that was it. Just like that -- if he didn't have my full attention before, he did right after that statement.

We traded numbers and are currently in the process of making plans to get a drink sometime. What will come of it? No clue. But to take his advice, I'm not into over-thinking it at this point. Just taking baby steps at the moment and letting the chips fall where they may. But if he calls, I'm listening.

Moral of the story? (Oh c'mon... You didn't know I'd try to sneak this in?) Saturday nights can STILL make for the best stories... And I plan to continue enjoying that as much as I can!

After the YES

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 04:49:00 +0000

So a little while ago, I confessed to having a crush on a guy who I'll call Nicholas. I've known the guy for a little while, and now that he was single (and it's a new year), I decided to toss my hat into the ring and take my chances. If he dug me, cool. If not... Well, I was hoping like a nervous wreck.

Anyway, I'd meant to ask him out when I saw him in person. But because it was a loud, crazy night, there was no such luck. So, I sent him a quick e-mail. Nothing elaborate -- just mentioned I wanted to see him and hoped we could get drinks.

His response? That we could definitely do it -- things would be a little nutty for a bit, but we'll make it work.

So now I'm at a point where (a) I wonder if he's aware of the fact that I actually like him and asked him out as more than a "friend" thing and (b) whether it's worth keeping the lines of communication up to our proposed "date."

Since I'm a little out of practice on asking the guy out, I'm admittedly a little rusty at this. But the way I see it...

(1) In all the time I've known him, I've never asked him out, nor do we run in any of the same social circles on a regular basis. Therefore, it's not farfetched that he may have an idea that I like him.

(2) I thought telling him too much up front (such as "I've been pining for you for a while") would be a little freaky. Instead, I thought keeping my mouth shut would allow me to tell him on the date if the vibe is there, or chalk it up to two pals getting together.

(3) Because he mentioned being caught up for a couple of weeks and since I made the first move, it would be a good idea to let it marinate for a bit since the date is already on the table.

Oy. So many things to consider. So what's a girl to do?

How's (d) Understanding all of the above, let things fall where they may. The rest will work out how it should.

At least, that seems to make the most sense...

Dreamin' Up Intimacy

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 06:48:00 +0000

In this winter season, keeping warm ends up being especially important. Me -- I have Snuggies and a teddy that most times do the trick. Although, honestly, at other times that isn't quite enough. No... Sometimes you need more.

Now, people deal with this kind of need in all sorts of ways. Some go wild and hook-up with someone whom they know little about, just to be able to dismiss it... Some have consistent f*** buddies to lean on from time to time... And others rely on a more personal, self-satisfaction. (*nudge, nudge, wink, wink*)

Honestly, while I still prefer an actual guy (of course, barring any major physical or emotional complications... Wait, that's a laughable idea.), I've come to find a deep satisfaction in the things that can't turn you down. You know: books, daydreams... In those you can create or imagine your own world with a leading man that can turn you on in the way that works for you.

Don't misunderstand. This isn't to replace a real man -- a mission that I consider ongoing. But, sometimes, it's good to stretch the imagination and dream up things in the way they'll work for you -- especially when the pickings are slim, which they seem to be for me at the moment. I'm even finding it a bit harder to meet men these days, likely due to the hibernation effect that winter creates.

So, while I keep my options open, I'll work on conjuring up appealing images or indulging in romance novels. Those are smoother to get through, and you don't have to worry about awkward conversation beforehand.

The way I see it, it'll work for now. But during Spring? Well, that's a little different.

Digital Footprints & Bitter Love

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 04:49:00 +0000

As some of my favorite relationship bloggers tell the stories of the online dating world (check out an ongoing series in Sex-Lies-Dating and a recent post by Single City Guy), I realize that technology and the ability to stay connected really does govern our interactions. We get 24/7 engagement to people and their social networking profiles... And we get to choose how much or little we want to see of them. I mean, can you see how this would seem to give away to online stalking?

And the crazy thing is -- we justify it as being "interested" in the developments of a person's life. Simply brilliant, if you ask me.

So, in the case of a break up or a crush isn't returned (trolling for dates is one thing -- things ending or never happening is another), we're talking painfulness to the max. That's why when a friend and reader, MissDTM sent this New York Times story along, I just shook my head in complete agreement. When you have the instantaneous nature of the internet, letting go is anything but easy.

My friend Amy, who broke up with her ex a little while back, has started seeing someone new. And, while she's really into the new guy, her ex, Charlie, continues to pop up from time to time, which gets awkward since they share so many of the same friends. In any event, she noticed that a whole bunch of photos surfaced on Facebook -- many of them including him with her friends, and even a couple with his new girlfriend. While she's over him, (and with a new man) it didn't make seeing those photos any easier, especially given the similar circles they run in.

The truth is, while I am a HUGE fan of the new digital age, the downside is that too much contact won't allow for the type of healing and distance you many need, especially from an ex. With newsfeeds and constant updates, you can go months without talking to someone but know exactly what they're up to. Now that's intense.

It's times like this I almost wish we weren't as advanced as we are. Almost.

Image Credit: JupiterMedia

Bedtime Play

noreply@blogger.com (Analytical Diva) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 03:41:00 +0000

Just the other night, I managed to catch one of the earliest episodes of the ever popular Sex and the City -- specifically about the idea of whether women can have sex "like men," or without feeling and attachment. While this is not a new topic, and has since been discussed all sorts of ways (including the Today Show) it's still an age old question and what it comes down to: are women able to really have sex in a carefree, breezy way?

On a personal level, this has been quite the obstacle for me. While I have been able to just "roll with the punches," I generally don't feel all that great about the idea that someone I connect with physically won't be around tomorrow. And that, I'd argue, has to do with my personal belief that intimate acts between two people should come from some type of feeling beyond the instant heat that drives most people.

I've been told by many a guy friend that it's easier for them to separate the physical act and sensation (or the strict act of sex) from the emotional connection (or the lovemaking). While I understand the argument, I guess I've always thought that I could not do that kind of thing unless my feelings ran deeper than an urge.

Don't get it twisted -- I have my stories. (**Who doesn't?**) But, I prefer to save my best seduction style for the mate that will keep me fired up way beyond lighting the firecracker if you know what I mean.

Image Credit: Physician.com

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