The Postpartum Highway

Advice for the New Year: Dance With Your Baby

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 19:47:00 +0000

Many of the new moms I see complain about the lack of opportunity to exercise. They often only get to the gym once on the weekend when someone else is able to care for the baby. Like them, you might feel cooped up, especially at this time of the year, worrying about not losing that "baby weight" more quickly.

As an older person when I talk to new moms about some of the ways I've discovered to exercise at home they often give me a look that says "fine for you, but that's not what I call exercise".

My answer to that is: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE BENEFITS OF LIGHT EXERCISE!!!
So when you're feeling stuck in the house with a small baby, why not make "walking the floor" more beneficial for you and more stimulating for your baby by putting on some music and throwing in some dance steps and variations on walking? Walk side to side, march, go backwards and forwards, throw in a cha-cha, a little salsa or whatever you enjoy.

What if your baby is crying? Well, babies cry for all sorts of reasons; providing your baby is fed and dry, you will most likely be walking the floor in your effort to soothe your baby. Why not add some movement and music? Maybe baby will end up being rocked to sleep, or be distracted by the sound of the music, the rhythm of the movement, or the changing sights as you move around the room. If your baby is very calm, he or she may be happy to just watch you; a dancing mom is definitely more interesting to watch than a mom who is doing paperwork, watching TV, or otherwise sitting still.

What if you also have a toddler at home? What better way to spend time with your infant and your toddler than moving to music. The idea is that your enthusiasm will be infectious, inviting your toddler to join in. The main thing is that you will be getting exercise: using muscles, stimulating the right hormones, burning calories, increasing your heart-rate, and it just might lift your spirits.

So instead of waiting around for others to grant you the opportunity to go to the gym or out for a run, add a little light aerobic workout to your daily routine. It will be good for you and good for your children. Be creative, think outside the box and have a little fun.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in Postpartum Women

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Fri, 24 May 2013 23:45:00 +0000

When we think of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder we usually associate it with combat, physical/sexual abuse, accidents and natural disasters. But PTSD is actually more prevalent than one would think, especially for postpartum women.

A traumatic event is one that causes intense fear and helplessness. This fear and helplessness can be short lived or sustained over a long period of time. Recent advances in brain research have led to the understanding that PTSD is a whole body reaction.

Causes of PTSD in postpartum women, can result from stressful circumstances or complications before, during or after giving birth or the re-activation of an earlier trauma. It’s important to understand that it’s the feeling of danger and helplessness that cause PTSD. The body doesn’t know if the fear is reality based or not. This is important because even if you believe, for whatever reason, that you and/or your baby are in danger and in the end everything is fine, your body has still registered the fear and helplessness of that belief, however fleeting it might have been. Your mind may know that the danger has passed but your body needs some time to calm down.

So if you find yourself as a postpartum mom having intensely uncomfortable emotional reactions that seem inappropriate to the situation, you may be suffering from PTSD. Efforts to avoid the discomfort without understanding can prolong symptoms and cause further emotional complications such as detachment and inability to bond with your baby. Short-term psychotherapy can help you identify and understand what you’re feeling, give you a safe place to talk about the pregnancy, birth and current feelings, as well as educate you and your family about PTSD.

HOLIDAY ADVICE: JUST SAY NO

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 19:34:00 +0000

During the holiday season many of my clients who have young babies find themselves face-to-face with the, sometimes daunting, expectations of well meaning friends and relatives.

The old “go with the flow” style of meeting other people’s needs and expectations is no longer workable when you are sleep deprived and stressed to the max with a new baby. Nobody seems to get it and everyone expects you to do what you’ve always done, whether it’s hosting 40 people or traveling 400 miles. Everyone wants to see you and the baby, making it hard to say NO even though your knees shake and your pressure goes up just thinking about it.

As women we are accustomed to making concessions in order to make others happy. If I had a nickel for every woman who has sat in my office saying “I really don’t want to…but I have to” I’d be a rich woman. Whenever we say YES when we’d rather say NO there is a price to pay. Think ahead. Consider the obstacles, the stress factor, the anger and resentment you might feel because you are doing something you don’t want to do.

If ever there was a time to for-go pleasing others, take care of yourself and shrug your shoulders in response to those who just don’t get I, this is it. So give yourself a gift this holiday season.

JUST SAY NO.

Coping With Uncertainty

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 18:39:00 +0000

Having a baby brings up a myriad of unknowns about baby and self and especially self in relation to baby. How will I feel? Will I know what to do? Can I make my baby happy and contented? Every new baby is a mystery. Even if you’ve already had six children, number seven will have to be figured out anew.

While every baby is unique they basically have the same repertoire. They get hungry, wet, poopy, gassy, excited, sleepy, bored, and sometimes just plain crabby for no apparent reason. Each baby is a little bundle of sensory reactivity and every baby reacts to all of the above by crying. It’s what they do.

There is probably nothing that causes new moms more self-doubt and anxiety than hearing and seeing their little one cry. It cuts right to the core of our need for certainty and mastery. But soothing a baby is a process of trial and error especially during those first few months. No matter how much you read or prepare for the new baby, there is no way around this learning curve.

So don’t panic. Don’t have unrealistic expectations of yourself and don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Soothing a baby is sometimes hard and nerve-wracking work. But one thing you can be certain of is that when it comes to babies, nothing stays the same. They change and they change us. Embrace the challenge and the mystery with acceptance and curiosity.

Happy Holidays: Reflections, December 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 14:59:00 +0000

For several years I have specialized in helping women cope with the various problems that may arise in connection with pregnancy, birth, or the lack of either.

I’ve learned a lot about the latest medical wisdom regarding baby care (I last gave birth in 1983). Instead of colic, babies now have GERD; instead of putting them to sleep on their tummies, they are safest on their backs; swaddling is recommended and loose blankets over sleeping babies are ill advised.

The new technologies of IVF and IUF are amazing, as are the brave women who choose to go down that road in order to have a child. I’ve learned about the NICU at Stony Brook Hospital and the miraculous medical advances that save the lives of the tiniest infants.

I’ve seen the many faces of grief, and the triumph of resilience. All in all, I feel privileged to have the opportunity to share this exciting time of life with such a broad range of people.

Wishing you all a happy healthy holiday season and the very best in 2012

Treatment of Depression during pregnancy-Dont wait!

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 16:46:00 +0000

In my practice, I find that there are so many issues on the the minds of pregnant women and sometimes anxieties that they don't know the cause of but keep them tossing and turning at night. What makes it even more baffling and upsetting is that this is true even though the pregnancy may be welcome and thrilling. Some women fear that talking about an issue will make it more real and therefor worse, while others may feel ashamed of the thoughts and feelings they are having. For these reasons and more the tendency is to wait and hope that things will spontaneously get better. The obvious consequence of this is that things get worse and mild to moderate anxiety or depression becomes severe.

This past Fall (2009), the American Psychiatric Association and The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists joined forces to review the existing data regarding treatment of depression in pregnant women and make recommendations. Because there can be consequences to taking medication and also to untreated depression, the report emphasized the need for decisions to be made on a case-by-case basis. It's no wonder doctors and their patients may feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. However, one finding was clear, that talk therapy should be the first-line treatment for mild to moderate depression in pregnant women.

So don't let mild symptoms reach crisis proportions. Talking with a competent mental health professional can shed new light on dark issues, which is why I urge women and the doctors who treat them to choose action over non-action. It's always a better choice.

The Joys of Being a Hands on Dad

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:43:00 +0000

What I call a “hands on dad” is one who changes diapers, bathes, comforts and generally tends to the needs of their baby at least some of the time. Traditionally moms do these tasks more often then dads and in many cases she’s home while dad is out working. But most dad’s are home some of the time and whenever they are they owe it to their wives, their babies and most especially to themselves to participate in this care taking.

Infants are basically a bundle of need; they need to be fed, bathed, dressed, soothed, etc. It’s through these tasks that we bond with them. So while it may seem only natural for mom to be tending to these needs, even when dad is at hand and in fact your baby may protest the change, there are at least three reasons to persist.

One reason is simply that by not doing these things you are missing out on the beautiful experience of creating a strong bond with your child. Secondly, by sharing this part of parenting you maintain and strengthen the bond with your wife. The third reason is that at some point mom may be unavailable. Unforeseen events can and do occur.

So my strong advice to men is to roll up your sleeves, put aside old -fashioned notions and be a part of this very magical, if fleeting, phase of parenting.

The Best Layed Plans

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 18:47:00 +0000

When a couple is contemplating parenthood, they often make decisions about how they will handle life with children; who will work, how household tasks will be divided, will one parent or the other be a full-time parent, what kind of outside childcare will be used, will mom breast- feed, etc. Planning is good, and it's fun. But be prepared to amend and possibly radically change those plans once the dream of parenthood is a reality.

The truth is that you really don't know how you will feel in any future scenario, much less one as life altering as having a baby. The more able you are to accept uncertainty the better off you will be. Entering into the business of parenthood takes courage, a good sense of humor and most of all adaptability.

Expect the unexpected, roll with the punches and keep an open mind.

What's a Doula?

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 21:00:00 +0000

A Doula is a trained professional who comes into your home to provide care, nurturing, empowerment and education to women and their families before, during or after the birth or adoption of a new baby. They perform a broad array of tasks from household chores to caring for other children in the home or just giving mom a break so she can get some much needed rest. They also give classes on topics of interest to expectant and new moms.

This is a wonderful service. If it existed 26 years ago when I became a new mom, I certainly didn't know about it. So spread the word!

For more information about Doulas check out:
www.dona.org
www.lidoulas.com

Guilt-Free Solitude

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 15:02:00 +0000

According to Wendy Regoeczi, Ph.D, sociology professor at Cleveland State University, men typically cope by spending time alone but women often feel guilty about taking time for themselves. Mothers with small children rarely get time alone, often having to bring baby into the bathroom or the bed. This lack of peaceful solitude adds to the stress of motherhood. While dad may feel that he is out working all day, he gets to shower alone, drive or take public transportation alone and certainly use the toilet alone.

Getting time alone need not be complicated or lengthy. It can be as simple as taking a longer shower or leisurely bath while someone else is dealing with baby. The main point here is grab it when you can, relish it and don't ever feel guilty.

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 14:37:00 +0000

Let’s face it; when it comes to getting our kids to fall asleep we will do just about anything. We rock them, sing to them, walk the floor with them, lay down with them and sometimes drive around the neighborhood with them. Obviously we do these things for the sake of peace and quiet and because we think it’s the only way to get them to sleep. But sometimes there is a price to pay.

According to Dr. Richard Ferber, author of “Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems”, brief awakenings during the night are a normal part of the sleep cycle. What becomes problematic is when your child awakens to conditions that are different than they were when they fell asleep. In other words if your baby falls asleep while nursing, in your bed and then awakens alone in a crib, she will become upset and cry until you recreate those conditions. The same theory applies to the three year old who falls asleep with a parent lying down with him. The key here is that in both cases the child falls asleep under certain conditions then when they awaken they look for the same condition thus becoming more awake and …well, you know the rest. Dr.Ferber calls these habits “sleep associations”. So by all means, help your baby or child prepare for sleep by whatever means but leave before they actually fall asleep.

If you are already deeply entrenched in bad habits that are making for a poor nights sleep for you and your child I suggest you read Dr. Ferber’s book which has very detailed suggestions for making step by step changes with the least amount of distress.

Parenting without "Shoulds"

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:22:00 +0000

If you’re feeling stressed or unhappy about how you are doing as a parent then I'll bet things are not going the way you think they “should” be going. Maybe your baby doesn’t easily respond to your efforts at soothing, or perhaps your 10 month old kicks and cries when you attempt to change his or her diaper. Maybe your toddler never remembers to put the toys back in the toy-box. The more fixed our ideas are about the way things “should” be, the more disappointed we are with our children and ourselves.

The word "mindfulness" is used a lot these days, mostly in connection with meditation, eastern religion and the practice of yoga. But while the latter are ways to cultivate mindfulness they are not mindfulness itself. Mindfulness itself is a kind of attitude. It involves awareness in the present moment without judgment. For instance, imagine noticing that your house is a mess; toys everywhere and dishes piled in the sink. You may be saying to yourself, “Jeez, I should be able to keep up with this. What is wrong with me? I should be more organized, less lazy…etc. etc.” Not a pleasant feeling right? Now imagine you simply notice what needs to be done without the “shoulds”. Maybe you tell yourself, “Wow, we sure made a mess today. Let’s see, maybe I can get at least some of it done while the kids are napping.” Can you see the difference in the two reactions? Quite simply, one is a put down of self and the other isn’t. While it may be stressful to be faced with a messy house, the stress is multiplied when we add self-judgment to the mix. To be observant and attentive without judgment opens the door to acceptance, openness, and empathy for self and others.

So next time you feel yourself stressing out, listen to what you’re saying, aloud or to yourself and try dropping the "should" statements. You’ll feel better and get just as much or more accomplished.

The Postpartum Highway

noreply@blogger.com (Elyse Everett, LCSW, BCD) — Sun, 17 May 2009 23:00:00 +0000

At 3PM on October 22, 1983 I became a mom! WOW!! Maybe some women just ease right into this new role like a turtle marching into the sea, but for me it was more like being catapulted into crashing waves. If only we could enter this ocean called parenthood, gradually, getting used to the water as we go, backing up and going forward at our own pace. But there is no half in and half out, no turning around to go back to a comfy chair in the sun. Once you're in, you're in and sometimes it's hard to catch your breath.

This blog is dedicated to helping parents do the best they can for themselves and their families. Too many men and women suffer alone with anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and confusion when child rearing doesn't go as smoothly as they had hoped.

My intention is to share thoughts, insights, tips and information that will be helpful to those navigating life with children or as I call it THE POSTPARTUM HIGHWAY.