You might as well finish it.

I’ve got to be honest…

I’m totally lovin’ Jodi’s new Finish It! actions.

With the touch of a button, I can bling, brand, and re-size my photos for my blog/facebook/whicheversiteticklesmyfancythatday.  Alright… maybe not just a touch of a button… There are so many options that I find myself touching several buttons in order to play with all of them.

We’re talking frames, rounded corners, ovals, circles, squares, bar to the left, bar to the right, on the top, on bottom, on both… Catching my drift here, people? With logo placement and web-resizing thrown in, there are endless possibilities here. (There are some really great examples on the MCP blog.)

Like I said…

Totally lovin’ it.

With 35 different finishing touches for Photoshop CS2+ (70 for you Elements users, yay!) and 8 re-sizing options (16 for PSE, woo hoo!), the Finish It action set is guaranteed to keep my brand fresh, fun, and, most importantly, memorable.

And since Finish It is available at MCP for the low price of $49.99, it can do the same for yours.

Let me know how you like them!

I’ve been sponsored by UPrinting for the last few months and just got to say that they’re pretty darn awesome. They’re constantly running contests for both you and your readers, lots of free perks and opportunities, and even paid ads for you sidebar.

A little word from them to you:

Why UPrinting.com isn’t your average printing company:

Blog Sponsorships:
If you are looking to find a sponsor for your blog, UPrinting.com is definitely interested. We offer giveaways, advertising and more for qualified bloggers.

Non-Profit Sponsorships:
The U-Community Program sponsors hundreds of non-profits and education to improve our local communities.

Social Justice Projects:
The UPrinting Kiva account promotes small business growth in developing countries.

Green Printing:
UPrinting supports a sustainable future by recycling, using non-toxic inks, and offering eco-friendly recycled paper stocks for business cards and postcard printing.

So if you’re interested in partnering up with a great company, be sure to click on any of the links above! (Or if you’re not looking for a sponsor, be sure to click on over and check out their printables… They’ve got fabulous business cards in all shapes and sizes that would rock at that upcoming blogging conference that I simply refuse to mention here. *Hint*Hint*)

This is Little Man.

He’s ten.

He’s also on my laptop.

And he’s NOT playing games or Googling how to make slime.

Imagine that.

This is the Vans Custom Shoe Designer.

Where Little Man is actually designing his own pair of of custom Vans, from the color of the shoelaces and eyelets all the way down to that little pin striping around the bottom (there’s a technical term for that, I swear.). He simply logged on to their website, chose a style of shoe (there are three available), and with a few clicks, was picking out colors and patterns like it was nobody’s business.

He spent nearly an hour playing around with all of the awesome combinations available on their amazingly simple system before creating a custom pair of shoes that any boy worth his Playstation (be he ten or thirty) would be stoked to stick his feet in.*

I spent nearly an hour explaining to the toddler that his feet weren’t quite big enough for a custom pair just yet:

*Per the request of the kid, the actual style and colors of his new shoes are to be kept under wraps until they’re actually on his feet. He also told me to tell you that it’s going to be 5-6 weeks before they get here, so if you want your kid to be as cool as him for the start of the school year, you best get to ordering now.

Now where’s another one of those magic affiliate banners when you need one…?

Oh, yeah:

I mean, seriously, don’t you ever stop and think, “Hmmmm… why don’t I talk more about motorcycle helmets?”

No? Really?

Then you’re totally missing out…

5 Reasons Why Judith Thinks That Motorcycle Helmets are The Bomb Diggity (And Why You Should Too)

1. Motorcycle helmets protect your noggin and may well save your life at one point or another.
2. They keep the bugs out of your mouth.
3. They make your Mister Roboto voice that much more awesomer.
4. They come with Bluetooth. And anything with Bluetooth is gravy in my cookbook.
5. A lot of them are made out of the same material as my new sex toy.

See? Aren’t you glad you kept reading?

Superhero PR Dude Drew (of cookie fame) sent me over this nifty new friend just about the time that my husband took off for Louisiana to work. (Yay, Drew!) The shape had me tilting my head in speculation and the color was rad in a very jellies in the summertime sort of way… But what really sold me was the fact that the Crystal Wand is made of Lucite (motorcycle helmet stuff— see how nicely I tied that in?? Awesome, I am. Yoda-like too.), which is super sturdy, incredibly smooth, cleans easily, and heats up quicker than you can say…

Whatever it is that you say when you’re… well… you know.

(I generally stick with the “f” word. And, no, I don’t mean “Funyuns”… Not that there’s anything wrong with “Funyuns”, so if you’re one of those people who say “Funyuns” when you’re… well.. you know; it’s all good. Really, it is.)

Now, I’ll admit…  it took me a moment or two (or three) to “get the hang of it” as the wand isn’t shaped for the normal ins-and-outs associated with this type of adult toy. Matter of fact, there’s really no “ins-and-outs” about it so much as a flipping, flicking, switching motion to aim it in the right direction.

Think light switch…

Or one of those old-timey water pumps.

Yeah…

But once I caught on, I was good to… ummm… go.

And once I realized that I could do it hands-free, I was good to… ummm… go again.

The Crystal Wand is available at my favorite online adult store, Eden Fantasys, and is well worth the $42.99 price tag, and while you’re there picking up some goodies (don’t forget the costumes, adult videos, and couple aids), be sure to check out their new online magazine slash sex guide slash hub of sex culture, Sexis.

I was totally hooked the moment I came across an article titled, The 25 Hallmarks of Bad Cunnilingus, which includes such gems as:

#2.Mr. Scratchy. A five o’clock shadow is nice, but not when being raked against one’s tender bits. No one (except, brief shout out to you BDSM pain sluts out there) likes clitupuncture.

#12. Gum-Chewing. I don’t want to be minty-fresh. If I did, I’d insert an Altoid. Or a Listerine strip.

#21. Blowing in It. What is this all about? The queef is one of the most unflattering noises that can be made in the bedroom. Why anyone would want to create a situation where that might occur is beyond me. A small aside on queef etiquette: It didn’t happen, you didn’t hear it, and it is to be ignored completely and totally.

Honestly, how can you not want to rush on over there and laugh your ass off (and perhaps learn a few things as well)?

No? You don’t? Really?

WTF, dude? You’re so not getting another top five list in this post… So just do what say already.

You’ll enjoy it.

I promise.

Take Wonder Bumpers from GoMamaGo Designs for example.

Wonder Bumpers are crib bumpers unlike any that you’ve ever seen before. Rather than one giant piece of awkward bedding that wrap around the inside of the crib, Wonder Bumpers are designed to fit around each bed slat individually, thereby offering protection from the whole slat rather than just the bottom portion. Other benefits include:

• A reduced risk of Sids
• Increased airflow (no more baby nose tucked into the corner)
• Inhibits escapes
• Never need to remove

When I first saw these, I was instantly filled with flashbacks of the trials and tribulations (pain & torture) that I had to endure with the bumpers of days of yore. The constant reattaching, the broken ties, awkward changing of sheets… And have you ever tried to clean one of those suckers? Impossible, I tell you.

Looking through all of the great patterns and colors available on the GoMamaGo Designs site, all I kept thinking was, “Why did no one think of these sooner?”  No ties, no taking apart the entire bed fifty times a day just to change a sheet, and no more footholds from which daredevil children launch themselves to freedom… Pure genius.

Thankfully, my sister was gracious enough to be knocked-up and about to pop, so I had an opportunity to give these awesome crib bumpers a try. (Awesome as they are, I just couldn’t see my husband agreeing on a fourth “bundle of joy” in order to purchase some.)

Wonder Bumpers are ordered according to the number of slats/rails on your crib. My sister’s crib being round, we needed a few more than the standard crib. Since Wonder Bumpers come in mix-and-match patterns and two set sizes (24 or 38), getting two sets was actually more fun than a hassle. All of the patterns are extremely cute, and by mixing the patterns, creating a unique layette look is simple as pie. Especially since they’re reversible as well.

When the bumpers arrived, the first thing that I noticed was the quality. They are very plush, well-made, and so very soft. Unlike most “baby” things that come with zippers so tiny that they’re almost impossible to attach, Wonder Bumpers’ two-way zippers are just the right size for ease of use and removal as well as being nicely hidden once the bumpers are attached to the crib. I was also very pleasantly suprised to find that individual bumpers can be zipped together in order to accomodate larger slats.

I had no problems whatsoever getting them on the crib and found myself extremely grateful that, due to the fact that they do not cover the entire bottom protion of the bed, I was able to simply peek in the room to check on the sleeping babe rather than having to walk all the way to the bed and risk the chance of waking him. Since putting him to sleep took forever.

And they looked so wonderful that I can definitely see using these throughout the life of a convertible crib… Maybe even purchased for a child of any age’s railed bed just for the great decoration alone.

Wonder Bumpers are available at the GoMamaGo Designs website and start at $99. Coordinating accessories and collections are also available .

Something that I got a lot (and I mean A LOT) of flack for from my own mother.

“He’s too young…”

“Why does an eight-year-old need a cell phone anyhow…”

“Just another distraction…”

And those were just the starters… By the time she moved on to the entrees, my eyes had rolled so far back in my head that I saw gray matter. I kid you not.

This day and age (boy, don’t I feel old saying that?), there’s no reason for parents NOT to take advantage of the convenience and sense of safety associated with cell phones. Especially when so many households have moved completely away from the added expense of home phone service.

Which is exactly what we did.

There was simply no reason to pay the extra money each month for a home phone, when the majority (meaning “every one except the ones from telemarketers”) of our personal calls were made and received via our current cell phone plan.

So,  when our son got to be the age where he began participating in extra-curricular activities, spending more time away from the house, and embarking on that age-old ritual of giggling across the line to some equally-giggly little girl (ugh. girls.), we made the decision to purchase him his very own cell phone– after much thought and rule-making, of course.

Two years later, we firmly stand by our decision. Matter of fact, we both agree it to be one of our shining parenting moments. (What can I say? We take what we can get.)

Of course, we might have to rethink that plan a bit once he gets to be a teenager.

Ugh. Teenagers.

So, in honor of such a shining moment, I thought I’d offer up some of my favorite tips for kids and cell phones… Just in case you were looking for a shining moment of your own:

1. Make a Contract.

Sit down with your child to discuss, create, and sign a list of rules and restrictions for his/her new cell phone such as no calls after 8, no phone at school, et cetera. Be sure that he feels that he has a voice in the “negotiations” and that you all came up with these guidelines together in order for him to feel involved with the whole process and thereby more responsible (and less like a child being told what to do). Once rules are established, note them down on a piece of paper and have everyone sign their agreement and commitment.

2. Keep in the Black

Does your cell phone provider not offer some sort of “capping” option to keep from going over your minutes in order to charge out the wazoo for every extra second used? Yeah, mine too. In order to keep from forking over large chunks of the college savings, be sure to find a reputable cell phone provider that caters to parents and children, allowing you to say when and how often the cell phone can be used. And how much money is spent WISELY.

3. Kids will be Kids

Don’t ever lose sight of the fact that children (and adults too) often make mistakes. In other words, just because everybody agreed that his cell number wouldn’t be given out to every Tom, Stan, and Harry out on the playground, that doesn’t necessarily mean that Tom, Stan, and Harry won’t get the number. Be sure to use a service that offers parental controls and monitoring, so that you can stay ahead of “the game” easily.

4. Money in the Bank

Use the cell phone as a means to help teach him financial responsibility. Have him chip in toward the costs of extra features or more airtime via his allowance or helping out around the house.

5. Happiness is a Job Well Done

Most importantly, don’t forget to praise him for keeping up his end of the bargain! Let him know that his dedication and responsible behavior doesn’t go unnoticed. It’ll help him to continue succeeding. And give you just another reason to say, “Neener, Neener…” to your own mother.

And that’s it! My top five tips for cell phones and children. Got a few tips of your own? Feel free to leave them in a comment below, I’d love to read them!

I was recently contacted by Ecostore USA with an opportunity to try out some of their eco-friendly, plant-based household products and thought, “Woohoo! Another way to make the “Al Gore-loving, weird-lightbulb-toting, almost-crunchy-like” husband happy!”

As I primarily clean the majority of my house with the help my two best buddies, steam and baking soda, I was super glad to see that Ecostore USA carries products beyond those usually found in the household cleaning aisles. I looked through pages of earth-friendly products designed not only for the kitchen and laundry but body, baby, and pet care as well, and finally decided on trying something from their haircare line (Seriously, folks, have you read the back of your shampoo bottle lately?).

Shipping was very quick, and I was thrilled to find that all of their packing materials were made of environmentally-friendly products. (We’re talking soy-based packing peanuts here. Talk about ‘walking the walk’, eh?)

The Natural Refreshing Vanilla Shampoo and Conditioner smell absolutely lovely, without being at all overbearing or unnaturally perfume-y. Both seem to wash away very cleanly, leaving behind none of that residue-feel that I often find with most haircare lines, and leave  my hair soft and shiny. (I had equally fabulous results with the rest of the family as well.)

And the back of the bottles? They read beautifully.

All in all, an excellent “green” alternative to any of the current products that may be lining your shower stall now.

And I’m looking forward to trying out more of their products soon! With our latest addition, my eye is definitely (and understandably) on their great-looking baby line as well.

Want a chance to try out a few great products from such a great company? Here’s your chance! Ecostore USA is offering one of you lucky readers a $25 gift certificate to their online store. Simply leave a comment below to throw your name in the hat! (Grab an extra entry by twitting or blogging about it as well.)

Winner will be randomly chosen on Friday, March 27th.

Good luck!

For more information on Ecostore USA and great articles about going “green”, be sure to check out their blog at Blog.Ecostoreusa.com.

I have the shittiest luck in the world.

No, seriously, if something really random and crappy and totally against the odds is happening out there in the world, chances are it’s happening to me. Yes… me. Because I have the shittiest luck in the world.

But I’ve kind of accepted it, really…

Embraced it, if you will.

After all, what’s a girl gonna do? Carry around a lucky cricket in her pocket? A lucky cricket who is more than likely knocked up with thousands  of  little baby lucky crickets, which she will totally birth in your one and only pair of jeans that manage to make your ass look awesome, and who will, no doubt, be filled with radioactive poisons destined to make you grow an extra nipple and purple hair?

Radioactive Crickets.

Yep.

Welcome to my life.

Extra nipples and purple hair aside, I have been winning a few great blog giveaways.  Last year, I won a fabulous pair of  boots and an iPod Nano (although I never actually received the iPod, so that one might not count. *tear*); and so far this year, I’ve won a nifty little goodie box from Nissa and Eden Fantasys.

So I guess that even if I did happen to have a pocket full of afterbirth, I’d still look good and taste great (that sensual dusting powder is ‘da bomb, yo’). Bygones.

So when super-friendly Drew from Eden Fantasys emailed me and was all like, “Judith, your blog totally needs a sex toy giveaway…”,  I was all like, “Duh.”

And then he was all like, “Go pick out something.”

Then  I was all like, “Dude, giant candy store and kid whose parents believe that sugar is the fruit of Satan…” (The Hitachi Magic Wands are totally the giant lollipops in this analogy, of course.)

So I called up the husband…

“Giving away a sex toy.”

“Ummm… Ewwww.”

“Not one of ours, dumbass. A new one.”

“Well, not one of  the pink ones that are supposed to do the thingie while doing the thingie, I hope.”

“I dunno. I can’t decide. Help me.”

“What about that thing you were telling the neighbor about the other day?”

“Huh? I don’t know our neighbor… ”

Then he laughed at me.

You see, it seems that if you stand in a certain spot in our bathroom, sounds travel through pipes or something, and whoever happens to be in the bathroom in the apartment next to ours gets an earful of “whatever it is” that you’re doing in said spot. A fact that I completely forgot about when I stood in that very spot a couple of weeks ago and spent a good fifteen minutes or so explaining to my deliberately obtuse husband the many interesting workings of a sex sling.

I was just about to begin on the diagram when the disembodied voice of the guy next door interrupted with something that sounded vaguely like, “Honey, we need a sex sling.”

Or perhaps it was, “Shut-up, I’m trying to pee.”

Whatever.

I’m beginning to think that he does this stuff to me on purpose though, really I am.

I emailed Drew back and was like, “Dude, can I give away a sex sling?”

And he was all like, “Go rock it out the park.”

Then I was all like, “Hehe… rock it… sex sling. ”

So now we’re here, and I’m totally giving one away to one of you lucky readers. To win it (and you want to win it, trust me), simply leave a comment below with an answer to the following question:

Would it be terribly inappropriate to introduce myself to the neighbors by buying them a sex sling? Or should I maybe start out with a tuna casserole or something and just work my way up from there?

Feel free to use a pseudonym if you’re on the shy side (we’ve totally got cookies over here on this side though), just be sure to leave a valid email! Oh! And if you post it about it somewhere else (facebook, twitter, wherever), let me know below as well, and you’ll get an extra entry.

I’ll announce the winner a week from today.

Good luck!

.. And with the numerous holiday parties and get-togethers and whatnots ahead (not to mention the extra “puffiness” still lingering from the Thanksgiving festivities, yuck), I leapt at the chance.

After all, taking into account the various “shapers”, “granny panties”, and other “fat-squish-er-mer-uppers” stuffing my lingerie drawer, I’m a huge fan of anything that makes me look… well… less.

Browsing through their adorable website, I quickly realized that Yummie Tummie products would not only excel at that “making me look less” business (patent pending dual fabric technology), but, due to the fact that the pieces (ranging from tanks to camis) are made to actually be seen and not shamefully hid beneath many layers of cloth, they would rate pretty high on the “fabulousness” factor as well.

Yes, you read that right:

The pieces are actually meant to be seen.

No, seriously… While the middle part of the tops are made of secret minimizing panels  that shape from the bust to the hips, the bust and bottom pieces are made of regular cotton.  Ingenious, I tell ‘ya.

I decided to start off with their basic black tank in the longer size ($62), thinking that it would be perfect for layering. And I couldn’t have been more right! Service through the website was excellent, and I received my order just in time for  pre-Christmas Eve shopping with my sister.

Layered beneath with a purple v-neck top, the Yummie Tummie appeared to be nothing more than a cute tank,  but I knew better! Everything was noticeably smoother through my mid-section… So much so that my sister even noted it (out loud. booyah.). There was no riding-up, bunching, or that annoying “rolling” that usually accompanies body shapers (even the really popular ones), and I was more than comfortable throughout the entire day of pushing my way through checkout line after checkout line.

Needless to say, I’ve basically lived in it ever since and am saving my pennies in order to buy everything else on their site.  (Yes, the price tag seems a little expensive at first… But you’ll quickly be thinking of Yummie Tummies as everyday wardrobe staples that you simply can’t be without. That kind of love more than justifies the cost, I assure you.)

So what are you waiting for…

Doesn’t your tummie deserve a little party of its own?

It’ll thank you for it!

So this’ll have to do.

There were 112 comments left for the Sensa Giveaway. Using the nifty random integer generator over at Random.org to help me choose an appropriately random number between 2 -112 (’cause the first one totally didn’t count), I randomly was able to pick a random winner.

And probably should have used the word “random” in the title, huh?

So congratulations to comment:

Which was made by:

Who totally won a free one-month-supply of Sensa.

Woot. Woot.

I’ll be shooting you over an email shortly requesting all your info.

Thanks to all of you who participated and be sure to visit every once again for new giveaways!

Check out my latest post over at Blissfully Domestic’s Photo Bliss Channel: Clown Cars & Camera Bags. It’s a review in which I talk about my bewbs… And you totally don’t want to miss that.

The Sensa System

Let me get this straight… I can eat the same foods that I’ve been eating and still lose weight? Even the double-layer chocolate cake and the crawfish etoufee and the pasta? Because, dude, I’m so not good at passing up the pasta.

According to Sensa, I can. (Eat the same foods and still lose weight, that is. Not pass up the pasta. Because, dude, I’m so not good at passing up the pasta.)

The Sensa Weight Loss System is totally revolutionary in that it uses your sense of smell in order to help you lose weight rather than depending on the standard methods such as stimulants, pre-packaged foods, or counting calories.  Sensa uses these nifty little things called “Sensa Tastants”, which you sprinkle on your food much the same way you would salt or sugar, to enhance your perception of taste and smell.

“Hmmmm,” you say, “Now wouldn’t enhancing the smell of, say,  double-layer chocolate cake only make me want more chocolate cake?”

Yeah, that’s what I thought at first too…

But I was wrong.

What actually happens is the enhanced food aromas cause your body (your pituitary gland, in fact) to release hormones that suppress hunger and appetite.

Which, over time, helps you eat less.

And eating less makes you lose weight.

How awesome is that?

The Sensa Tastants come packaged in conveniently purse-sized shakers, are incredibly easy to use, and are virtually tasteless– which means that the chocolate cake still tastes like chocolate cake. And the snozberries still taste like snozberries.

I’ve only been using the Sensa system for just over a week and have managed to lose two pounds… According to Sensa, however, most women see significant loss after the first few months. So I’ll definitely be checking back in here to track my success on the program.

Interested in trying out Sensa? Be sure to visit www.trysensa.com.  Insterested in trying Sensa for cheaper? Be sure to use promo code ROCKETXL during checkout to receive 15% off of your order (no minimum)!

Interested in Sensa even CHEAPER???

The great people over at Sensa have offered to give one of you awesome readers a chance to get your skinny on as well and try out Sensa for yourself!

To win a free one month supply of the Sensa Weight Loss System, all you have to do is leave a comment below, and I’ll randomly choose a winner on or around December 12th. *Closed* Winner announced here.

This review section will be called “Reviewful”… Because I’m clever like that.

Okay, that’s it.

You can go back to whatever it was that you were doing now.

No, really, you can leave…

I’m not kidding, dude.

Okay, fine.

Stay.

But I’m so not cooking you dinner.

Don’t know who Nicole Locher is? Well, by all means, let me introduce you to her… Well, not her, exactly, but her clothing line:

Pretty little shirt, eh? Delicate and feminine with the added beauty of vintage-style embroidery.

It also says “will fuck for shoes”.

See? Right there. will fuck for shoes.

There isn’t a single shirt in the line that I don’t covet more than chocolate-covered orgasms. And trust me, I covet chocolate-covered orgasms. A lot.

"You Suck" This one would be perfect for little league games and PTA meetings...

"I Ain't Your Fuckin' Sweetheart" For those anxiously awaited date nights...

"Best Piece of Ass in Town" Sunday brunch wear...

"I really need fucking coffee" I would wear this shirt, like, EVERY DAY...

"Fucked in the Head" This would be my top-of-the-line, mommy-forum visiting shirt...

Unfortunately, while I have no doubts whatsoever at all in my ability to somehow manage to display these beauties as properly as they deserve- even in a normal toddler-inspired-and-appropriately-censored daily routine such as my own (see proposed schedule above); at $87 bucks a pop, they regretfully must forever remain on my Thou Shalt Covet Forever (Or At Least Until You Somehow Miraculously Become a Popular Blogger and People Actually Start Paying You to Write About Kotex Diapers and Busted Vibrators— Which Ain’t Never Gonna Happen Because You Suck) List.

Unless, of course, you want to buy me one.

Then I’d totally give you that hand job.

Or send you naked pictures of the hubby.

Whichever.

On a cheaper note (although one must wonder how much cheaper one can get than giving up the goodies for a shirt…), OHMommy is giving away a pair of fabulous shoes from a surprising source. You should check it out.

No fucking required.