The Monster Wrangler

Farewell Simmy

2009-11-09T09:35:00.000-06:00

Well, I guess it's time for this post.

Last Wednesday we got the call saying that a new foster home had been found for Simmy and that he would be moved Thursday.

God is so good because we knew the foster family and Simmy had actually met them before. I cannot tell you how much it has helped us- knowing that Simmy is with a good Christian family who has assured us that as long as he is in their home we will know how he is doing and be able to visit him.

So we called up the new family and ask if we could bring him out to their house that afternoon and let him get acquainted and see him room and new toys before dropping him off there the next day. They agreed that would be best.

So we had 'the talk' with him. At first he was confused, then scared... and then the part about going to live on a farm in a new house with new toys and a new room began to sound exciting to him.

On the drive he cycled through each emotion again. At one point he ask if we were 'done with him' now. Heart: meet the floor. We explained that we would never be 'done' with him, ever and that we will always love him and pray for him and we will see him as much as we can for as long as we can.

We pull up to the new house and his eyes become saucers when he sees the playground they have and the tractors and the animals. His foster mom met us in the drive way and you could see the recognition in his eyes. She gave him the tour of the playroom, his new room, etc. and then we all sat in the living room and talked to give him some room to explore the house.

As he became familiar with the house, Beacon and I filled in the new family on everything we thought they should know- family history, what he likes, dislikes, therapy (take that state!), fears, triggers, anything relevant.

When it was time to go, Simmy declared he wanted to stay at his new house.

Heart: meet the floor, again.

I cried. The foster mom informed me that she had been doing this 15 years and had been on my side of this situation many a time. 'It never stops hurting,' she said as she wiped away tears. Her last foster son, whom she had 18 months before he left, did the same thing.

I ask Simmy if he could spend the night at our house one more time. He politely declined.

Foster mom assured us that she had everything he would need for the night.

So we left him there.

We brought all his stuff the next day. He was having a ball when we got there. That morning he had gotten a tour of the farm on a ATV with his foster dad and had been outside playing the majority of the day.

We stayed for a while and loved on him. He said several things that showed his lack of complete understanding of the situation. It was wonderful to see him so happy yet it hurt at the same time.

I told me mom that night, you definitely don't get an ego trip from foster care.

Foster mom suggested we give him two weeks for all this to sink in for him and then we will start seeing him occassionally.

By all reports he is still doing well.

We have good days and bad.

Certain songs on the radio, pouring two cups of milk out of habit, walking past his room, and watching Silas look lost without him all hit that spot in your gut- the one where grief seems to make itself at home.

And then sometimes we feel guilty. Guilt that life is already so much easier. Guilt that our bodies are recovering from lack of sleep and being on high-alert at all times.

But one thing is for sure, we were forever changed by Simmy- all of us.

On the last page of his life-book I wrote, under a family picture of the four of us:

Simmy, we are so blessed by the time you spent with us. You are a wonderful and special boy. Thank you for being a part of our family. We will love you and God will take care of you tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...

...the Law Won.

2009-11-02T10:14:00.000-06:00

This is going to be long and perhaps incoherent but please stick with me.

The last couple of posts have been about us fighting to get Simmy the help that he needs and trying to do so quickly in fear that soon my health would not permit us to keep caring for our raging little boy.

We cried out to God for help and answers. And that very day I got a phone call from Lou Lou's foster mom. Lou Lou was cleared that afternoon by her psychologist to have other children in the home with her. Beacon and I cried and knew in our hearts this was the best solution. Simmy and Lou Lou should be together and Lou Lou's foster parents are amazing. They have helped Lou Lou heal beyond what I thought was imaginable. And this way we could still be involved in his life and help him transition.

Then, the therapist finally faxed the recommendation that visits stop. And the on-going worker came out to our house for a visit. She was overly nice. A lady who doesn't even know what nice is hugged me twice and thanked us for all we do. It was as fake as fake could be and we knew something was up.

We told her about Lou Lou. We made our wish known that we start transitioning him to live with her. She was agreeable.

This morning I got a phone call that they now had 'home finding' looking for a new foster home for Simmy. He will move homes and not with Lou Lou.

Oh and the therapist's recommendation would not be followed. Visits will continue.
Yes friends, we fought the law and the law won.

We tried our hardest to do what was best for Simmy and stepped on some toes. And now they are moving him.

I don't understand.

But God is still good and soveriegn. His ways are not mine. I don't understand but I am trusting that God will take care of ~~our~~ His Simmy.

At the End of the Rope

2009-10-28T10:51:00.002-05:00

The battle continues to rage.

My poor worker got drilled when she went into work yesterday. She was informed that she needed to let us know that we were not Simmy's parents, nor were we his legal guardians and therefore we had no right to refuse to bring him to a visit.

Our worker reminded them that we are not required to transport him to a visit. We are required to make him available for visits- and that we did. They're still quite perturbed.

I've been trying to get a hold of Simmy's therapist since Monday and I cannot get her to call me back. If I don't get in touch with her and get her to fax or deliver a written statement that visits are detrimental to him then we will be required to make up the visit this week- I won't be transporting, but he'll have to go.

I get so tired of everything being such a huge stinking battle. This is flippin' ridiculous. And why the heck won't the therapist return my calls?!

We are being put through the wringer with Simmy. On Sunday and Monday nights, I got a combined total of 6-7 hours of sleep, the rest of the evening hours were spent with a screaming, inconsolable three year old who is violent if you try to reassure him. Fun. Especially when you're pregnant with twins and live in a state of exhaustion anyway. Then add to that no sleep.

We had to move his room to the other end of the house so that at least Silas could get some sleep at night.

Simmy continues to hurt himself, throw extreme fits and overall just be controlling and defiant. He tries to turn every single thing into a fight. It is getting bad. Worse every day. Almost unmanageable.

If we cannot get his behavior under control or at least on the right track before the twins are born (or I'm put on bed-rest), there's no way it will work.

I don't say that lightly. It breaks my heart. It makes me want to puke to even think about it. But that's reality.

Which is why I am so panicked and in such a hurry to get him the help he needs and cut off the visits. Because we are hoping for and trying for a miracle. And no one will cooperate.

I'm sick of it.

Please pray for us. We are near the end of our rope, and Simmy will be the one to suffer if all our attempts to help him are denied.

I Fought the Law

2009-10-27T09:00:00.002-05:00

...and the law will probably win.

As I sat in the therapist's office last Thursday she called the on-going case worker to inform her that visits needed to stop. She did not answer her phone, so the therapist left a message- in my presence.

I waited Thursday and Friday for a call from the on-going case worker as to what the plan was.

Yesterday I started calling. I left message after message saying I needed to talk to her and to know whether or not Simmy's visit today would be canceled.

She waited until closing time to call me back.

She claimed the therapist never called her. As far as she knew, there had been no recommendation to cancel visits.

Liar.

And we called her on it.

And it didn't matter.

So, I hung up and called the therapist, who was gone for the day (which is why the on-going case worker waited so late to call).

Beacon and I prayed about it for a while and then called the worker back. I informed her that we would not have any part of transporting Simmy to a visit that had been deemed a harm to him. If she wanted him there, she could pick him up and transport him herself.

At 7:30 this morning, I was informed there would be no visit. The worker called in sick and my worker (who knows what is going on and is on our side) would not pick him up for the visit.

This lady is vengeful and vindictive.

It will be ugly.

Bring it on.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2009-10-23T08:58:00.000-05:00

After the evaluation visit with the therapist yesterday, she is thinking Simmy has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She's sending him to another psychologist to get a second opinion to make sure her diagnosis is correct.

She listed off the symptoms to me and I have to admit, he has every one.

She got to witness a bit of the anxiety. She had no window in her office, so he kept freaking out and had to be reassured that the sun was still up and that it was not dark outside. We had left his flashlight in the car and he was quite upset that he did not have it with him.

It scares me because the only knowledge I had- before yesterday- of PTSD was that it was common in soldiers after battle and that it is a life long struggle.

She has enrolled us in a program that sends a trained professional out to our home and works with us all in his enviroment, which should be helpful He'll also see the therapist once a week.

If the second opinion comes in as PTSD as well, we'll develop a plan for treatment.

The therapist recommended visits be cut off immediately. The visits are triggerring the behaviors- which I knew.

I hate it for Momma Kay, I really do. She has five childen- one she put up for adoption, another she is in the process of signing away her rights on and two that cannot see her because it causes them too much anxiety. The only child she can see is her 2 month old baby.

But I am so stinking relieved. Visits make all our lives absolute torture for days after seeing her. Simmy is in absolute shambles after a visit and we live or die by his mood.

He actually declared at the visit on Tuesday that he did not want to be there and that he wanted to go home (our home). He tried to run into the elevator with us as we left the building.

I wonder how long the process is to end visitation (temporarily).

My first concern is stopping or at least reducing the self harm. So I am very anxious to get his therapy in motion.

Voluntary Relinquishment and Self Inflicted Harm

2009-10-14T13:42:00.004-05:00

I went to court this morning for a Case Review. Momma Kay's attorney did not show so it ended up being rescheduled for six weeks from now, enough time for Momma Kay to finish all requirements. They are putting pressure on her to complete everything.

There was a big shocker when, without anyone knowing what was about to happen, Momma Kay volunteered to sign custody of her second son over to his father. She had been served papers last week to appear in court so that they could begin making her pay child support for him and so instead she just decided to sign him over.

I'm not even going to comment. That speaks for itself.

We have found a therapist for Simmy! Praise the Lord!! They are supposed to be calling me today to schedule an appointment.

It's in the nick-of-time, Simmy has begun to hurt himself. The poor little thing has marks all over his face.

To be honest, Beacon and I are completely dejected. We feel so incompetent and have no idea what to do for him.

I have spent hours trying to find material on preschoolers who self harm, but cannot find anything worth while. Any suggestions?

Please pray for him and us.

Progress

2009-10-12T14:26:00.002-05:00

It appears that we may be on the way to getting Simmy some therapy.

Beacon and I talked to a therapist, told her everything that was going on and she highly recommended that Simmy begin seeing someone immediately. We were able to take that to the worker, which has thankfully caused her to begin the process of finding someone to take him on as a client (I'm being told it's hard to find a therapist for a three year old). We were hoping that a recommendation from a therapist would force their hand and it may have done just that.

Someone commented on my last post and ask why we didn't just sign him up ourselves. We tried that with Lou Lou but since we are not the legal guardians no one will allow us to enroll him in therapy without the worker's signature, even if we pay for it. We don't have the right to get him behavioral health services just like we cannot sign him up for pre-school, authorize medical treatment (outside of routine anti-biotics, etc) or take him out of state without a worker's approval.

Please join us in praying that they will find a therapist who will see a three year old. Simmy really needs some help.

We Need Your Prayers

2009-10-09T10:11:00.001-05:00

Please pray for us. Especially for Simmy and for the people in charge of making decisions for him.

For Simmy's privacy I have not been posting a lot of things and I still don't feel comfortable sharing with the whole world some of the issues he is going through and acting out right now. I will tell you that I began asking for therapy for him July 6th.

The past month has yeilded a raging, violent, hurting child. His supervised visits with Momma Kay were revealed to me a couple of days ago to not be supervised at all. She has been filling his head with lies and it is beginning to manifest itself in horrible, horrible ways- things I never thought Simmy would do.

I have started trying to throw my weight around to get him therapy- to no avail. I don't like being confrontational but I am having to be. I'm putting myself out there and hating it, but I feel like I have to try my hardest to get Simmy some help.

We also learned on Tuesday of this week that OOPS! Momma Kay isn't doing anything to get Simmy back after all. The worker was taking her word for it (seriously???) that she was doing everything she was supposed to be and just checked to make sure this week and apparently she has done NOTHING since August 24th. She is no where near getting her kids back or even getting unsupervised visits.

Now, we were told that next week she would be recommending unsupervised visits, so of course we had been preparing Simmy for that. Now all of a sudden, the rug is pulled out from under him.

I made a pretty bold 'last stand' this morning, whipping out documentation of failures and apathy on the workers behalf and pretty much calling her out and demanding therapy. I really think it was my only option, but it could either work or severely backfire.

Please, please pray for us.

Would you Like an Example?

2009-10-06T15:12:00.000-05:00

On my last post I stated that I hate foster care. I also love it, but today I would like to give you an example of why I hate it.

On Monday, I emailed Simmy's on-going case worker- the lady in charge of Momma Kay's case and ask her if it would be okay if we took Momma Kay along to see Sesame Street Live in two weeks. Here's her response, you're going to love this:

(Names have been changed.)

Hope, I know you guys want to do for Kay but your worker and I have discussed this and feel you are putting yourselves and family at risk. Kay is extremely manipulative and tends to stretch the truth fairly often. We are concerned for you guys. She will come to depend on you and always be asking for handouts and favors. If you were to have a wreck, she could sue you. In addition, have you told her 'no' yet? She does not accept it well and has a decent temper that I have experienced first hand. She has been very verbal and confrontational with me from the very beginning. However, she will back down from me because of my size and disposition. Remember... somewhere these children learned to cower to keep from getting hit.

On-Going Case Worker

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. She's afraid for MINE and BEACON'S safety if we are alone around her... two adults, yet she is going to make a motion next Wednesday to begin unsupervised visits with the kids.

Does she have legitimate concerns? Yes.

Do we know that Momma Kay could sue us, take advantage of us, even try to hurt us? Yes. But we are adults and we have the cognitive ability to make that decision for ourselves. That's a risk that we, as adults, can choose to take or not to take.

It would be one thing if she just didn't want us around her because she's manipulative, but she feels we would be putting our family 'at risk' because she has a short fuse and has beaten her kids. And obviously she feels that's still in the realm of possibility so why the flying pengiun is she ready to put this on the fast track to reunification?

Someone tell me this is not real.

An Honest Evaluation

2009-10-05T11:08:00.002-05:00

Often times I am ask by parents/prospective parents wanting to adopt or care for a child in need if they should go the foster care route.

Obviously, the first step in this is prayer. God is the writer of every story and he has a very specific plan for yours.

With that being said, here's some questions to ask yourself:

Is God is calling you to adopt?- to bring a child into your home forever? If yes, then fostering is probably not for you.

Let me be clear.. fostering is not for you. You can adopt from the foster care system, but fostering is temporary in the vast majority of cases.

Or is God calling you to care for an orphan (temporary orphan) or child in need? If you feel this could be what God desires you to do, then perhaps fostering is for you.

Before you make your decision, here are some things you need to know and in most cases you won't be told by your agency.

1. It's not about you. At all. Period. The foster care system is set up to serve bio parents and foster children.

Now, this is not all a bad thing. You learn more about service, sacrifice and humility than you would have ever thought possible. It's a chance to truly put aside your needs and desires and put someone else's first.

It is hard to be working and serving and giving your all without any agency support. Beyond hard. And you should know this before you start. Unfortunately, your agency won't tell you this. They will make it sound like they are there to serve you... don't buy it. Be informed. It would have helped Beacon and I out so much if we had known this from the beginning.

2. You will be in contact with your foster child's bio parents.
And it will be hard. You will know what they have done or have allowed to be done to your foster child. You will be torn between the desire to parent your foster child forever (which means that you are desiring the bio parent to fail) and the desire to see the bio parents succeed (which means you will lose the child you love and are dedicating your all to).

Once again, this is a chance to really grow in your Christian walk. You will have to fight every selfish desire you have and try to build a relationship with the bio parent(s). You will learn to see the needs of others as more important than your own and you will learn to love those who are seemingly unloveable.

3. Foster children are hurt children.
Often physically and always emotionally/spiritually. The most trusted people in their lives have let them down, have hurt them. And that is a hard pill to swallow.

The have lived in dysfunction as long as they have been alive, and very likely through their most influential years.

They will always be healing children. Always.

Simmy has come so far in the nearly 7 months that we have had him, but he still has a lifetime of healing to do. A lifetime.

These are just a few of the many obstacles of foster parenting. And if I'm honest, I hate foster parenting. And I also love it. And if it's what God desires for your family, you probably will too.

But I have never felt so spiritually challenged and rewarded than I have in the last 7 months. For every bit of 'hard' it is, it is equally rewarding... maybe not now, but hopefully in the future when I see a new Christian mother reunited with her children whom she will lead through life with the help of Christ. And if I have just a small part in that, then every tear will be worth it.

Mullet Clarification and Other News

2009-09-25T16:51:00.001-05:00

So, I'll start off by explaining a bit about the mullet situation.

No, we do not have to grow the mullet. Our state allows the foster parents to make the decisions about their foster child's hair.

Are we going to? I say we should... I don't want to, at all, it makes me sick to even think about it but in order to not ruin the relationship we have started to build with Momma Kay, I feel like we have to.

Beacon is whole-heartedly against it, and for reasons that make tons of sense. The kid is going to be made fun of. There's no getting around that. I mean- come on!- a mullet! Like that's not going to attract attention on a Hispanic kid. Redneck haircut + Hispanic kid = lots of stares and rude comments. Beacon calls the style MexiNeck. And he says there is no way our kid is going to look MexiNeck.

So, we shall see.

In other news it appears as if Simmy should be starting increased visitation with Momma Kay in the next month or two, including overnights at some point.

This is really going to happen, people. He's going back.

But the big question right now is if Lou Lou will. She cannot have visits with Momma Kay right now because it is causing her too much emotional distress. Apparently the state has every right just to send her back to Kay despite even one hour visits being too much. Or they could wait until her therapist clears her.

My worker says the on-going case worker is most likely going to go ahead and send her back. Which sounds crazy to me but who knows?

Anyway, if we end up growing this dreaded mullet I will have to find a way to post pictures on here, even if it's just the back of his poor head. I've got to keep a sense of humor about this or else I will just vomit.

Oh, and I'll leave you with a picture of the style she wants:

Now that is hot!

Now That is Asking Too Much

2009-09-22T11:38:00.000-05:00

She wants us to grow him a mullet.

Yes, I'm serious.

Shoot me now.

Let the Pain Begin

2009-09-16T16:20:00.001-05:00

I've mentioned frequently that I forcefully keep myself in the denial stage so that I can function. I do a pretty darn good job of it. Of course I think- often- about Simmy leaving, but I never allow myself to dwell on it or (if I'm being honest) feel it.

So, I suprised myself when I completely lost it this morning while I was looking through proofs of the family photos and individuals of Silas and Simmy that we had done recently.

I realized that one day I will have to explain to Justus and Fable who that little boy is in the 8x10 in the hallway. He was your brother. Maybe even to Silas.

I realized that the pictures that I order will most likely be the only pictures my friends and (most of) my family will ever have of Simmy. And that one day people will have to remind themselves of who he is as they flip through their photo albums.

We will forever carry a Simmy sized scar on our hearts, yet most people we know will forget him.

Forget a beautiful little boy who is so strong and so brave. A little boy who has already overcome more than most adults do in a lifetime. A little boy who will need their prayers for the rest of his life.

It's not anyone's fault... out of sight, out of mind. I just can't stand the thought of him being forgotten, of him being reduced to a photo in a photo album.

I don't know why this is so bothering me so much.

Two hours later I found myself buying Momma Kay a Bible... walking up to register, internalizing that I was giving her the best gift she could ever receive, yet (hopefully...yet not hopefully) sealing my fate of losing a child.

I want so badly for her to believe the words in that Book, for them to change her life, but not for Simmy to be just a picture on the wall.

She's Alive... She's Alive... (me, that is)

2009-09-11T10:05:00.000-05:00

Forgive me reader, for I have sinned. It has been 12 days since my last post.

Life has been crazy and I've got plenty of excuses, but we all know there is no excuse for sin, so I will spare you the details.

I've got so much to tell you that narrowing it down it a manageable post makes my head want to explode.

First, I've got to tell you this because it stinking made my day:

We made some new friends about a week ago, which is always awesome, but what makes it more awesome is that not only is this couple a pastor and pastor's wife but they are also foster parents... and they are our age! That's like the trifecta!

Anyway, we were sharing some background information on Simmy and the lady was like, "You have got to visit this blog I read! It's really great and it is amazing how much your all's situations sound alike! It's www.themonsterwrangler.com."

Beacon and I were both like, 'you're kidding, right?'

But she wasn't, she had no clue she was reading my blog... isn't that hilarious?!

I know most of you all are thinking, so what, you all probably have a mutual friend that told her about it, but here's the thing... I don't tell my friends about my blog. There are a handful of people at my church that read my blog and that's it. My family doesn't read it- shoot- most of the time my husband doesn't even read it!

I've tried to keep it pretty 'low key' because I write a lot of things on here about Simmy and Lou Lou that I don't want the general population to know about.

So, the fact that she found my blog is pretty stinking cool.

Onward to foster care matters.

Here are the highlights:

We had the Interested Parties Review over a week ago. This meeting confirmed that Momma Kay is doing everything she is supposed to be doing in order to get her children back.

I did find out that she is planning on staying in the shelter for two years and plans on the children living there as well. This upset me at first. I don't like the thought of Simmy living in a homeless shelter, but once I got to thinking about it, it may not be a bad thing for Simmy.

They will be highly monitored and she will receive counseling on site. Also, it will keep her from jumping into bed with some random man just for a place to live, therefore putting her children in danger, again.

Momma Kay was ask, at the meeting, where she got support and who she could go to after she got her children back for help. She paused for a moment and then said: her therapist, and me.

They ask her if she had any friends or family, outside of us, that could be helpful to her. No, she said.

The board that was conducting the review looked at Beacon and I as if asking us to either verify or deny her claim that we would help her.

We told them that we would love to be her support system now and when the children went home.

After the meeting was over, my worker pulled me aside. She was not aware that Beacon and I had been trying to build a relationship with Momma Kay. I filled her in and she was happy but cautious.

I ask her if we could pick Momma Kay up and take her to church with us. 'Not yet,' she said. Simmy's time with Momma Kay is still limited to a state monitored visit.

"Could I go pick her up and take her out to lunch some time?" I ask.

She explained that although she could not stop me, she would prefer I wait a while longer before I started that kind of contact. She went on to say that she had lost many good foster homes because of (false) claims that a birth parents made about the time spent alone with the foster parent. Not that the claims were ever substantiated, but the foster parents were typically so hurt that they called it quits.

I was also reminded that she had been arrested for violence before and that she is almost twice my size.

'Just wait a little while longer, she said. Let's get to know and trust her a bit more first.'

So that's the plan, for now. To continue utilizing our time during visits and court hearings to build a relationship with her. And as soon as everyone feels comfortable with us getting together outside of a state monitored visit, we will pursue that kind of relationship.

I'm anxious, because it's pretty hard to share with her about Christ and His love for her when there are three workers and two other foster parents sitting there.

We'll just keep praying for opportunities.

Drawn from Water

2009-08-30T22:13:00.004-05:00

Back in April, I mentioned a organization called Drawn from Water. My heart was- and still is- moved by the work they are doing with 'Mingi' children in Ethiopia.

Please take a moment to watch this video, I can assure you that you will not regret it.

Told ya you wouldn't regret it.

The beautiful work this organization is performing is being threatened by a lack of funds.

I have never solicited you for money on this site before, but I feel so strongly about this cause, so passionate about what they do, that I cannot stand the thought sitting idly by and letting this organization's work stop.

I know times are tough. I know everyone and every thing is competing for your money.

Would you just visit their site and say a prayer. Ask God if you should give.

Could we sacrifice just a bit in order to provide for these children?

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

More than I Bargained for

2009-08-27T10:36:00.000-05:00

All that preaching I did to myself came in handy yesterday.

I sat next to Momma Kay, waiting for a court appointment for almost three hours yesterday.

I prayed the whole way there, that God would give me wisdom, patience and love for my time with her. And he did.

I found out so many things: Simmy is Peurto Rican and Mexican, he weighed 7lbs 11oz's and had porkchops at birth, he was baptised in a Lutheran church, he has another sibling- a younger sister- that she put up for adoption when Simmy was almost one...

But I also got a feel for her, what kind of person she is, how she feels about her situation and so on.

She's off-kilter, there's no denying that, but she's recieving mental health services and is definitely stable.

She cried several times during our conversation, lamenting over repeating the cycle and treating her children in ways that she always swore she'd never do.

My worker was not happy when she saw me there and flat out ask me, 'Why in the world are you here?'

I was just about to inform her that in my contract it says that I have every right to be there and since she tells me different stories every time I see her, I have to come to court hearings to know what is really going on when Momma Kay beat me to the punch.

'She came to support me,' she said.

Which, honestly, I didn't. I came to try and see what the heck was going on in the case, but after she said that I got to thinking that maybe, just maybe that's why God had wanted me there.

She was there alone, not a single supportive family member or friend, which she attributes to the fact that she was a 'rape baby' that was never accepted by her family. She also added that it didn't help that her rapist father was Puerto Rican and that her family is racist.

I always said that I wanted to support the mother as well as her children throughout the process. And then the kids came and that seemed impossible in light of everything I learned.

And then I became convicted- Jesus loves her, why can't I?

I watched her cry as the judge read a letter from Lou Lou's therapist stating that it was not in her best interest to continue visits with her mother at this time, and something unbelievable happened: my heart broke for her.

I think she can tell that I really do want to be there for her. She thanked me for all I do for Simmy. She told me that she was so glad that we were his foster parents, that she could tell we cared for him deeply. And in her words:

"That's why I don't cause you any crap."

I got exactly what I came for, information and apparently Momma Kay is doing everything she is supposed to be doing and is now on track to get her kids back. But I also got more than what I came for, a chance to love, even when I didn't want to.

Sorry, This Turned into a Sermon

2009-08-20T15:15:00.000-05:00

For the first time since Simmy has known that Tuesdays are visit days, Momma Kay did not show up.

He took it quite well. We had brought her some pictures of him from this summer and he was upset that he did not get to give them to her, but all in all, his disappointment only lasted about 10 minutes.

Lou Lou was scheduled for the hour slot after us and did not handle the let down as well. Her foster mom and I decided that it might help if we got them together for a while to let them play.

Each and every time I see Lou Lou, I am amazed at the change in her. Her foster parents are spectacular and the therapy and medication really seems to be helping.

She was diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, all of which she is on a medication for.

Despite knowing how well she is doing now that she is receiving treatment, it is still hard to be around her. I am nervous and on the edge of my seat the whole time. Her foster parents can sense it and I feel bad.

I wish they could understand that when we had her it was a daily- no... hourly- struggle to keep her from molesting everyone in our household.

Every time she makes a sudden movement towards Simmy I expect her to try and pull his pants down or knock him to the ground to climb on top of him. Every time she jumps up in my lap I expect her to start humping me or grab me or lick my face.

It's getting better. This is the third time we have been around her and she has not once made an advance on any of us. I'm slowly learning to trust her. I'll be so glad to feel comfortable letting them play together again.

Poor Lou Lou. It's not her fault. It's quite clear that she was the target of the pedophile that had access to the children. She has cigarette burns all over her chest, scars all over her body and extreme sexual knowledge and aggression while Simmy was seemingly spared. Simmy has no suspicious scars, no sexual behavior, nothing to indicate that he was abused in anyway outside of neglect and being a witness to violence and drug use.

And every visit with Lou Lou reminds me of just how bad it was in the Simmy/Lou Lou household. I tend to forget because Simmy is adjusting so well. But I can't help filling with rage when I think of some pervert torturing and molesting an innocent three year old (or younger, we are unsure of the timing) and especially when I think that her mother allowed it to happen.

And then of course I am reminded that we failed her. We were unable to get her the help she needed before she became a danger to herself and Simmy. She misses her brother so much and it hurts to know that we had a big part in separating them.

Despite there being logical reasons behind the uncomfortableness I feel around her, I can't help but feel like a jerk for feeling that way. It's not her fault.

But the people who are at fault will never comprehend how many people they affected by hurting Lou Lou. They didn't just hurt Lou Lou, they also hurt her foster parents (and former foster parents), her siblings, her future husband... the list goes on and on.

But what can be done? How can you stop child abuse from happening?

The only answer I can come up with, the only all encompassing answer is evangelism.

Those sick, sadistic perverts are sick, sadistic perverts that need Jesus.

My apathy, your apathy, our lack of concern for the lost doesn't just send souls to hell (as if that's not bad enough), it also makes life a living hell for others.

I think sometimes we focus so much on saving people so that their eternity can be affected that we forget that they need Jesus now- that a life without Christ is crap.

It's easy to sit back and judge 'those evil sinners' and wonder how anyone could ever be so sick as to hurt a child when we have a new heart placed within us and are striving to daily conform to Christ. But if I was lost in the dark and had no hope in sight who's to say that I wouldn't become vile, that I wouldn't turn to something evil as a release.

As hard as it is for me to speak pleasantly with Momma Kay knowing she had to see the cigarette burns on her preschool daughter's small chest and turn her head and look the other way... knowing she chose a pedophile boyfriend over her children... knowing she chose to pass out on the couch and let her children live in a house filled with cockroaches, trash and feces... I must see her as she is: a sinner in need of Jesus. Just as I once was.

Please Do Me a Favor

2009-08-17T16:36:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that things just seem to get complicated?

Just when you think you've got it all figured out, things change.

And I guess that's good because it keeps us relying upon God.

We had a plan, one that we thought was God's plan: We would adopt a child or two, wait a few years and have one more biological child.

Then, right smack dab in the middle of us fostering Simmy, God tells us it's time for another biological child, well... two more to be precise.

So, I put my thinking cap on and deduce what must be God's will in light of this major event: Surely we will get to adopt Simmy or at least foster him until he goes home to Momma Kay. And if he does end up going home to Momma Kay, we will either foster another child or begin the process of adopting through another venue, because by that time, the twins will be old enough for us to start that venture.

That would only make sense right? Because surely, with there being such a huge need for foster parents and with 143 million orphans in the world God would not want there to be a period where we would be unable to care for an orphan.

And then we found out that Simmy would most likely be leaving us soon. And aside from being devastated about Simmy leaving, I also became very downhearted. Let me tell you why.

My OBGYN has pre-warned me that I will pretty much be rendered useless by these twins at around 30 weeks. (I'm at week 15 and I can already feel a huge strain on my body.)

That gives me 15 more weeks of good health. If Simmy leaves we will not have time to bring another foster child in, begin their healing process and then prepare them for yet another life altering change: the twins. It would not be fair for our foster child.

Then, depending upon the twins health and all kinds of unknown factors, we will be unable to foster for at least months after delivery.

Ladies and Gentlemen, brace yourselves... the woman who daily complains and whines about the foster care system is about to admit to you that she literally loathes the thought of not being involved in it for several months.

Before we began the process of becoming foster parents, I would literally sit and cry over the 143 million orphans in the world and the 800,000 or so children in foster care. At times, I could not sleep over the thought of them.

Then we began to foster, and we had orphans of the living in and out of our home for me to love on, pray for and tell about Jesus. (We've now gotten to minister to six different foster children.) The burden for the orphan didn't go away but I had peace because of actively working to help them.

Now there is a possibility that there will be a time period where once again, I will be unable to bring an child in need into our home. I am crushed.

But I know that God is sovereign. He has a plan and it is greater than mine.

Perhaps Simmy will stay. Or maybe he won't. Maybe something else will come up that will allow us to help an orphan in our 'off-time.'

Can I ask you a favor? Will you please consider taking my place? Will you please pray about adopting or fostering? Please ask God if giving an orphan a home- permenantly or temporarily- is something He wants you to do.

143 million. Did you really read that? Did you take a moment for that to fully sink into your mind? 143 MILLION orphans. Could God use you to settle one into a home?

800,000 children who, due to no fault of their own, find themselves in the darkest, most scary moment of their lives. Could you show one child in foster care the love of Jesus? Could you be a safe place for them to call home?

In closing, I'd like to quote Russell Moore from Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches:

Not everyone is called to adopt...but all of us have a stake in the adoption issue, because Jesus does. He is the one who tells us his Father is also "Father of the fatherless" (Ps. 68:5). He is the one who insists on calling "the least of these" his "brothers" (Mat. 25:40) and who tells us that the first time we hear his voice, he will be asking us the same.

This is a Public Service Announcement

2009-08-13T16:50:00.000-05:00

First the story behind this helpful bit of advice:

School is back in session around here, which means that the local splash park has officially been abandoned. The boys and I dudded up and headed out for fun in the sun this morning.

So we're having a great time, but it's stinkin' hot, so I head over to the bench our stuff is sitting on and take a big swig of my drink.

Apparently, a bee had made itself at home in my straw (how that bee squeezed itself into my straw I will never know!) and that stinker stung me in the side of my mouth!

I spat him out, squished him for good measure and then proceeded to pull the stinger out of my mouth.

The pain was almost exactly like when you bite the side of your mouth accidently and it hurts like crazy- except that this lasted a lot longer and the inside of my cheek swelled up like crazy.

So, the moral of the story is: Take your straw out of your cup whenever you are outside!

Second moral of the story: If it can happen, it will happen to me! =)

Ch-Ch-Changes

2009-08-11T12:11:00.000-05:00

Tuesdays are visit days.

Yesterday, Simmy's behavior went back to normal from the visit last Tuesday.

And then we informed him at 7:45 this morning that it was 'visit day' and that he'd be seeing Momma Kay in about an hour. Back to square one.

It is beyond frusturating.

Today, before we left for the visit, I sat him down and said:

"Simmy, I know visit days are confusing and I know they are hard on you. I promise you that you are coming home after the visit. You will play with Momma Kay for a while and then you will come home. No matter what Momma Kay says, you are coming back here after the visit."

He ask to go back home on the way and then fluxuated between excitement and fear.

They scheduled his baby brother's visit for the same time, so we all got to meet the baby.

Momma Kay makes beautiful children, I'll give her that.

After the visit, he was ready to go. He made no attempt to tell her goodbye or give her a hug. We prompted him to do so (should we do that? It feels wrong not to, but if he doesn't want to should we ask him to?) and then left.

We got home and as he walked in he said 'and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...'

For those of you who don't remember, as I leave Simmy's room every night I tell him:

"I love you Simmy- my sweet, and I will love you tomorrow and the next day, and the next day, and the next day and the next day..." all the way out the door. It's the last thing he hears every night.

As he repeated the phrase in relief at being back 'home,' I was filled with so much gladness that he feels so safe and secure here, but at the same time it broke my heart.

Although that phrase will always be true- I will love him until the day I die- it's reassuring undertones of consistency and security are no longer accurate. They could call me tomorrow and tell me to pack his bags, that he's leaving for his brother's foster home.

So far, 2 hours after the visit, his behavior is normal. I am so relieved.

This situation stinks. I hate feeling like I am misleading him.

Maybe I'll change our saying to:

"I will love you and God will take care of you tomorrow and the next day, and the next day, and the next day..."

'Whiskers' and an Outing

2009-08-10T08:36:00.000-05:00

It changes your perspective quite a bit when you know one of your children could be leaving you soon.

This past Friday we did something for Simmy that we had wanted to do for quite a long time. We took him to the movies. We said 'So what if he's loud? So what if it makes him behave like a wild animal for a couple of hours afterwards? He would love it.'

He wanted to wear 'whiskers,' which are a mustache and goatee made from my mascara. Why not?! Who cares what people think!

We went to a movie that had been out for a while so that there would not be too many people there. And you know what? He did great!

The only thing is we shouldn't have told him what was going on. I don't know why, but anytime he knows something fun is getting ready to happen he freaks out. In the car he cried that he wanted to go home, then he would laugh hysterically because he was so excited. Only a couple seconds later and we would be back to the crying and pleading to go home.

In the theartre, we had to calm him down once. Once. It was amazing!

He had such a great time!

The behavior afterwards was not too bad, it was managable, and we can defintely do managable.

I won't lie, sometimes I catch myself trying to disconnect. I'll be holding him or playing with him and think 'He's leaving.' I'm trying to block that little voice out. I know in the long run that it will be harder if I leaving all the grieving for after he leaves, but I don't want to hold anything back from this little boy. I want every single day he has here to be filled with all the love and laughter possible.

All Up in the Air

2009-08-05T15:45:00.000-05:00

It's all a big guessing game at this point.

Simmy had a visit yesterday with Momma Kay. We talked with several workers during that time and I'm hearing lots of different opinions and theories about what's going to happen with Simmy.

It is Simmy's worker's intent to leave him in our home. Her reasoning (I trust her as far as I can throw her; she could just be blowing smoke at us, so take this for what it's worth.) is that he already has a bond with us, so she's going to try to keep him here.

Everyone else thinks she won't get away with it. Policy is: siblings belong together unless there is a darn good reason to keep them apart (think Simmy and Lou Lou being separated because of Lou Lou targeting Simmy sexually). In the state's eyes, there is no pressing reason to keep Simmy away from his newborn brother.

So, the prevailing opinion is that as soon as it comes to a supervisors attention that there are four siblings in four different homes and that some of them could be together, we'll be packing bags.

And since there is an Interested Party Conference being scheduled for some time this month, that will probably happen relatively soon.

'What is an Interested Party Conference?' you may ask- and you would be in good company, because I posed the same question.

From what I'm told, all interested parties: Momma Kay, all sets of foster parents (including us), the GAL (and I'm assuming one was just appointed, because I was told Simmy did not have one), all the social workers, etc. will all sit around one very large table and talk about the case. Basically, they are going to try to figure out how the kids and Momma Kay can be better served.

So, my guess is that it will happen then. But we shall see.

We're trusting that God will do what He always does and provide for everyone involved, regardless of the outcome.

Talk About Pressure

2009-08-03T20:35:00.001-05:00

My worker called this morning.

They removed Simmy's newborn brother from Momma Kay at the hospital today.

Would we take him?

We were informed that if we didn't, Simmy would most likely be moved in with the babies' foster family in the near future. It looks bad on the state to have four different siblings in four different homes. Simmy and the baby have to be in the same home.

We prayed and talked, tried not to get too emotional and make a rash decision- which is hard to do when they have to know now.

When we called back, the conversation went like this:

Simmy and the new baby will have to be adopted together, right (If it comes to that)? Yes.

That would put us at 5 children ages 3 and under, three of them being small babies. Yes, I understand that.

We cannot do that. (Some people can, I know. But after praying about this, I really don't feel that we can or should.)

I have been told by my doctor that I can pretty much expect to be worthless after 30 weeks, since I am pregnant with twins. That gives us four months left of good health.

Is there anyway that Simmy's mother can get her act together and get the kids back in that amount of time? Can we spare him a move by taking the brother and keeping them until I can no longer care for the newborn?

No. There is no way that Momma Kay can achieve everything she needs to achieve in four months.

Then we will not be taking the newborn. We will keep Simmy as long as you let us have him.

-----
So, here we are. Most likely Simmy will be transitioned to his newborn brother's foster home in the next few months.

I am numb. And sick. And when I actually begin to feel this... it's going to be bad.

Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow!

2009-07-31T13:17:00.000-05:00

As a recap, at the last ultrasound there was a 30% size difference between our twins- it looked bad. I asked you to pray.

Today, both twins measured larger than their gestational age!!

My Savior, He can move the mountains! My God is mighty to save! He is mighty to save!

The ultrasound tech said it's too early to say with 100% certainty, but it looks like we have a thumb-sucking little boy and a very hyper little girl!

Some days I sit in awe of how good God is to me. I deserve not one good thing He gives me. Not one. But He continually pours out His love on me and my family.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your prayers!

Our God is an awesome God!

Don't Sit in the Aisle Seat

2009-07-28T21:04:00.002-05:00

I used to blog every day. Without fail.

I can't anymore.

Not because I'm too busy (I am busy, but not too busy to sit aside five minutes to blog) or because I don't want to.

I try to only post about foster care. I try to be funny, upbeat. That's my 'bloggy style.'

But I am finding it harder and harder to find humor in our foster care situation.

Perhaps some of this stuff will be funny in retrospect. Maybe.

Perhaps Momma Kay will do a 180 and we will be able to sit back and laugh one day about how I had to silently chant "She needs Jesus, she needs Jesus, she needs Jesus..." to make it through a conversation with her.

Or maybe one day Simmy will find it humorous that his birth mother recounted a tale about his sister pulling out- literally, pulling out- his rat-tail and leaving him a bald spot for five months like she was talking about a pleasant day with him at the zoo.

I do find it funny that her 'supervised' visit ended up being essentially unsupervised because someone called in sick and the person filling in thought just dropping by the room occasionally was acceptable. And heck! Let her take him to the bathroom by herself... by all means! There's no signs of sexual abuse in her children!

See why I don't post anymore? You don't want to read this junk. Now you're going to be in a bad mood for the rest of the night. If you end up kicking your dog, give him my apologies.

Anyway... everything else is going great! If this was a blog about my marriage, my church, or even my toenails I would have plenty of engaging, happy material. I'm feeling good about the twins and trusting God to take care of all us. Life is peachy.

And yes, smarty, I trust God to take care of the foster care situation as well. I just can't find humor in the way it's playing out right now.

I'll rack my brain and surely I'll come up with something soon.

Until then, I'll leave you with a joke (because I really don't want you kicking your dog):

"Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"

"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.

"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.