I don’t understand the fascination my son has with broken toys. When we go to any thrift store, he makes a bee line to the pile, or table, of small trinket toys that are badly beaten, torn, missing legs, arms, heads, torsos – you name it. They are busted, and to me, not worth the ten cents they are asking.

I noticed recently that my son can take these broken toys and play with them just as easily as he can toys that are fully functional. He can make them roll or dance or whatever…to his great delight.

Perhaps that is why Jesus says we have to have faith like a child. A child can take delight in the brokenness, and make something beautiful from it.

Much like our God.

Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. – Matt. 18.2-5
photo by danmachold

I was sitting enjoying a thai lunch (Pad Thai – which I had never had before—HOLY COW was I missing out!) when my friend and mentor Randy said, “It comes down to Lazy Communication.”

He went on—“I have done it, my wife has done it…but when we are lazy, its not good for either one of us.”

“We have to be specific – I have to state my desire – like, “Can we make an appointment later this evening?” (wink wink) Then she needs to give me a specific answer. Not just NO. Because NO is unacceptable. I mean we’re Christians, right? We aren’t supposed to stay separate from each other except by mutual agreement…and our bodies aren’t our own!”

There was more: “Yet, YES might not be enough either. I start thinking…Yes—WHEN?—now, later, tomorrow, next week? If we are unspecific and lazy in how we are communicating, it allows a part of my brain (the part that is broken) to take hold and then I spin out of control”.

“MAYBE is too vague –  I wonder…Is she playing games with my mind?”

“No. We can’t be lazy in our communication. We have to work at it, and be specific – its the only way it works.”

“In our household, I do the bills. She expects me to do them, and when she asks me ‘When’re you going to have them done?’ – do you think I can say – ‘Oh sometime’. Hell no!”

I love my buddy Randy. He ‘s a straight shooter.

I think its natural for relationships to have ups and downs, but what do you do when you are constantly ‘down’ about your marriage — afraid that you have fallen out of love with your spouse?

I would encourage you to NOT GIVE UP HOPE! If you have any slight feeling in your nether regions (meaning your heart and soul) that there might be a possibility of making your marriage ‘stupendous’ once again – then you need to check out this class from Dr. Corey Allan.

Blow Up My Marriage

Listen, I am just a guy who has a passion for helping couples. Don’t get me wrong, I like writing about great marriages, I like encouraging couples, I like helping as much as I can…but Dr. Corey Allan helps marriages out for a living! You may know of Dr. Corey – he is the editor in chief at the popular marriage blog – Simple Marriage.

On Monday August 30, he is starting his fall class for marriage called Blow Up Your Marriage!

Yes. It’s a crazy name for a class that claims to help your ailing marriage. But, perhaps its exactly what you need. To “Blow Up” your way of thinking and doing and acting in your marriage. To try something else out for a change.

More Info For You:

• You can do it by yourself – your spouse does not have to go through the class with you – even though it would be beneficial to both of you
• Corey provides all the information you need
• It is NOT counseling – (even though he does offer that if you need it in your marriage as well), its more like a workshop, or coaching, for your marriage.
• Blow Up Your Marriage will help you focus on your strengths

If you constantly fight, or are in a rut, recovering from an affair or other emotional issue in your marriage – this class could also be of help to you

My Quick Disclaim: Yes, Corey is an online friend of mine, and yes, my links are affiliate links, if you decide to join the class through one of my links, you will help support the Marry Blogger. Thanks!

Here’s the deal: I believe in Corey and the work he does to help couples. If you are serious about wanting a better marriage – you should seriously consider Blowing Up Your Marriage. Click The link to read more about the class!

I think Mr. Miyagi had it right.

“Focus Daniel-san!”

There is power in Focus

When I add water to tea, it becomes diluted, and has less taste. When you poke a hole in a balloon, the thing flies around the room and loses all of its balloon-ee-ness. (That’s a word in my world.)

When you add outside influences to your marriage, you take away the power of focus…the focus that we are supposed to have for our spouse. The focus that remembers and lives out the covenant we made with each other before God – you know – the marriage vow thing?

You Can Lose Focus Several Ways

The title of this post might be about “porn”, but this could relate to anything we put between us. (As Gerald May says – we are all addicts).

We lose focus on our marriages when we put more focus on things like Work. Kids. Errands. Friends. Hobbies. Porn. Money. Games. Food. Busyness.

It’s like they creep between us slowly. It starts small. You don’t notice that you are drifting away from your spouse.

When Elisha burned his carts and barbecued his cows, he was limiting his choices. He became very focused. He couldn’t do the ‘farmer thing’ any more. He had to follow Elijah and become a prophet. All of a sudden, his choices were limited.

In our day and age, we have so many things that grasp for our attention. Its easy to be distracted, and carried away by all sorts of things.  I have heard it said recently that Satan loves that. When we eject from real life and jump into imaginary worlds, we tend to lose focus on the real life that we have. Sometimes those decisions to eject from the present can have serious consequences.

How is your focus lately?

This is a post in an ongoing series about Porn and Marriage.

photo by dimitridf

Click here to view the embedded video.

Don’t Give up!

Just Keep Swimming.

ps – if you missed my post at the Traditional Love blog yesterday…you can read it here: Sex Advice to my Younger Self

This is a guest post from Rachel Moheban currently practicing individual and couples therapy in New York City. She is the founder of TheREPLACE Relationship Suite.

Slow Down, You’re Moving too Fast… You’ve got to make your “marriage” last so…

It isn’t just a catchy tune — get it running through your head so each and every time you’re angry, frustrated, distracted, over-pressured or even just plain sad, you’ll have a communication tool sitting right there waiting. When you’re moving too quickly, either literally or figuratively, there’s no possible way you’re going to really hear what your partner is saying. That’s especially a problem when you’re in a less-than-ideal mood.

There’s a reason for the “stop” part in the “Stop. Drop. And Roll” commercials. It stops that momentum that is making things worse. When you’re in a foul mood, for whatever reason, you’re less likely to take the mental energy to truly listen. You and your partner may be having a discussion or argument that is perfectly legitimate – these things do happen, after all – but you’re both speaking about entirely different issues and only slipping in the response to the other for etiquette’s sake. STOP!

“Wait a minute, Honey. I think we’re/you’re/I’m just too flustered right now to be discussing this efficiently. What exactly is your issue here? You explain and I’ll be quiet and then it’ll be my turn.” It may sound like a teacher trying to solve issues of a playground argument, but it works. And your relationship is worth it.

Pay heed, and you’ll both be… feeling groovy.

Rachel believes that couples benefit even more from using a variety of resources including the effective combination of psycho-education, relationship coaching and counseling, pro-active skills and adaptable techniques. Using these approaches, she designed and created “The Ultimate Relationship Resolution Program.”

photo by Brainware3000

August 2010 is lining up to be a very busy month in our household.

I have been given the opportunity again this year to produce a radio show for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association for their Rock the River Tour West.

It is a 3 city tour with a stop this past Saturday in Fraser Valley, British Columbia, with upcoming dates in Calgary and Edmonton. I don’t get to travel this year with the tour (I did that last year – lots of fun up and down the Mississippi River!), but I still am on the radio team producing a killer show to run on Canadian Radio.

Needless to say, this show will be getting lots of my brain and computer time this month. I will still be posting here, but it might be a tad more sporadic than usual (is that possible that I can be more sporadic??)

BUT…

Keep working on your marriage this month! Dig through the archives and randomly pick something you might not have read. Or you can still catch me over at the Traditional Love Blog at YourTango.com.

I’ll talk to you soon!

Thanks for taking time out of your day to read here at The Marry Blogger. We love to hear great marriage stories. We like to call them … Stupendous Marriage Stories. You can share yours if you would like!

This week, we heard from Brent.

Brent’s Story:

February 5, 2010, I married the love of my life. February 8, 2010, We returned home. Sadly, for various reasons, we weren’t able to take our honeymoon right then. We thought it wouldn’t be till October that we’d really get to take some time to get away. Fast forward nearly 5 months. June 22, Penny and I found ourselves boarding a plane for an Alaskan Cruise- finally off on our long-awaited honeymoon. As I reflect on the past 12 days, I’m struck with a few thoughts on my STUPENDOUS marriage!
1) I married up, y’all!
Here’s the thing, no matter what I do or what my education, in the end, I’m just a good ol’ boy from Kentucky. I was raised simple. So getting to live the high life, slipping bellmen tips, having people call me Mr. Mulberry, staying in hotels with ornate decorative moulding- I felt like I was in another world. That was about that time that Penny whispered to me, “You married up, now act like you belong here.” Of course it was followed by a smile and a wink.
2) Marriage is amazing, if it’s with the right person.
I’m definitely a fan of marriage. It’s fun. It’s good stuff. But it’s also hard. Worth it, but hard. I’ve got to tell you, you get married to the wrong person and its gonna be hell. That being said, I know I got this one right. I love the fact that there’s someone that really just knows me. No secrets. I don’t have to hide anything from. I can just be me. And then top it off with the fact that she’s my best friend. Its good stuff. I love that girl.
3) Try as I might, I’m not telepathic.
I’m not sure where it got engrained in me, probably some old school Disney or some country song, that my wife and I would be so in tune with each other that Penny would just be able to look at me and know what was going on with me. That she would know me so well that she would be able to predict with 100% accuracy how I will respond to what she says. Not only will she not know what I’m thinking all the time, there’s no way I can know what she is thinking or how she will respond. The key to this one :: The C word. Communication.
4) We really are for each other.
Its so easy to get to a spot where you feel like the other person is secretly plotting against you. Like they are holding meetings with people to plot your downfall- hiring secret agents and private eyes. Here’s what I learned, my wife is really on my side. She really wants to see me succeed. She is really by my side. She really is proud of me. More than that, we are a team. And we are a great team. That’s a great feeling.
5) It’s not about us.
Yeah, so its our honeymoon. This a time where we get to be together and be a newly married couple. That’s what the honeymoon is about, right? And I was keenly aware of something the entire time we were gone- where we got go was a gift from Jesus. Alaska is beautiful. To get to be on a cruise ship the whole time and be pampered was amazing. Getting to go on tours and see glaciers and the wildlife. Those were gifts. But the people that we encountered, the people who we ate dinner with, our waiter and room attendant, the guy who came up to us to use our computer, the guy I was playing black jack with, or tour guides- those were entrustments. Those were people that we got to love. People we got to accept and not judge. People we got to do vacation with. It wasn’t about us. It was about them. And here’s the thing- that translates back home too- our marriage, our lives here, is not about us. It’s not about getting to be together and enjoy one another’s company for the rest of our lives. We are a team. And we are about others.

I think Mr. Mulberry (I presume) has a pretty good take on his new marriage! You agree? Let him know by checking out his website: Great Date Spot.

If you have a minute, Share your Stupendous Marriage with us too, We’d love to read your story!

Other Stupendous Marriage Stories to encourage you.

I remember being really excited about the 4th of July when I was ten.  Fireworks were still legal in our area, and I couldn’t wait for sundown.  I went rummaging thru the fireworks to see if there were any that I could shoot during the day.

Mom suggested I take the smoke bombs and set those off, because ‘you can’t see smoke at night’.  I thought that was an excellent idea.  I went outside, and set 5 smoke bombs in a row across the brick wall that surrounded our front patio.  I had the lighter, and started down the row of bombs.

Somewhere between bomb one (yellow) and bomb 2 and 3 (purple and green), one of the lit wicks fell and landed on the brick ledge.  Unaware of this, I lowered my hand to light the next smoke bomb, with my wrist touching the brick.

Within mere nanoseconds, I could feel something searing its way into my flesh – I had never felt a hurt that intense before.  I looked at my wrist and it was swelling red, with two black pieces of wick stuck in my arm.  I tried to swipe them off, but they wouldn’t budge.  I made a bee-line in the front door of the house screaming at my mom – who had to remove the black charred pieces — of wick and flesh — with the tweezers.

Now, at age 35, I still remember very vividly that day and what happened. And while the wound no longer hurts, I still have the scars to remind me.

Show Me Your Scars

The tagline for this blog is “Encouraging Stupendous Marriages” and I have often thought about changing it for the simple reason that it might be misunderstood.

Let me be clear: I don’t think a “Stupendous” Marriage is a “Perfect” marriage.  I don’t think there is such a thing.

While it would be nice to think that our marriages will never have rough and rocky times, I just don’t think that is realistic.  To paraphrase my good friend Epictetus – Its not what happens to you that matters.  Its what you do after what happens to you that makes all the difference.

We live in a disposable society.  We toss anything that doesn’t work properly any longer — or that we assume no longer works properly.  But our marriages should not be easily thrown away.

I believe a Stupendous Marriage is one that has had many “valley” experiences, yet the husband and wife have kept traveling, climbing, and grasping together to get to the mountain top.  They have chosen to stay the course and keep learning, and growing as a couple.  They have felt the pains of life, weathered them together, and both have the scars to show for it.

Scars that are like the ones on my wrist — reminders of past experiences and pains, reminders of what NOT to do again.  They no longer cause pain, but are part of the experience of living this life we are given.  Who knows, maybe some day you will look back at some of those scars and brag about how you made it through, inspire others to stick it out and be grateful you learned the lesson!

photo by Wavy1

(If you can’t see the video review, click over to the Marry Blogger to watch!)

Title:

Ordering Your Private World and When Men Think Private Thoughts

Author:

Gordon MacDonald

The Big Picture:

I read ‘Ordering Your Private World’ several years ago, and enjoyed its message. It was a good refresher read for me this time around. ‘When Men Think Private Thoughts’ is a book written for men, but as the author suggests, it might be a good read for women who are trying to gain better insight into men and the things that they grapple with in their inner lives.

What is great about these books:

Macdonald writes in a way that is very easy to read – the books might be “older”, but they are still solid.

If you are looking for a way to connect with God and haven’t tried journaling – Macdonald sets out a great model of reflection and writing that has been the basis of my journaling for a long time in OYPW.

When Men Think Private Thoughts goes into all sorts of places – sexuality, fatherhood, husbands and wives, money, character, Work, Leaving a Legacy

Other related reads you might enjoy:

Who You Are When No One’s Looking- Bill Hybels

Simple Marriage – Dr. Corey Allan

Renewing Your Spiritual Passion - Gordon MacDonald

What can we apply to our lives right away:

*Men want a sense of belonging, to be valued and to be seen as competent. These 3 things are influenced by our upbringing and our relationships.

*Men need to name and acknowledge their feelings and deal with them appropriately. Many times, we don’t do it very well.  A quick script for for acknowledging your feelings: “I am (name the feeling) and here is why: _____”

*Are you a called person –relying on God for direction and then obeying that direction? Or, are you a driven person –relying on yourself to make things happen, then asking God to bless them on the backside?

*Real, authentic male to male friendships are difficult, but necessary. With all the obstacles potentially standing in the way of finding and developing friendships (because we have to seek people out, then take time to develop the relationship) many men find it easier to just rely on their wife to be their sole friend in life.

*Challenge to men: …before we listen to a man’s appraisal of his marriage (or any other relationships), better make room for a second opinion. Perhaps his wife’s? What a man’s wife becomes over the years as a result of marrying him. Has she been challenged to keep herself fresh-spirited? Is she motivated to radiate a love for life and people? Is her mind a fountain of ideas, and is any gather of people improved because of her presence? Is she a woman of deep soul, more pleasing to God, because of the man she married? – Gordon MacDonald

The Big Wrap up:

Read Ordering Your Private World if you want to focus on your inner life and help feel, and be more in tune with God.

Read When Men Think Private Thoughts to help inspire you to be a better man, or learn more about the great man you married!