(If you can’t see the video review, click over to the Marry Blogger to watch!)

Title:

Ordering Your Private World and When Men Think Private Thoughts

Author:

Gordon MacDonald

The Big Picture:

I read ‘Ordering Your Private World’ several years ago, and enjoyed its message. It was a good refresher read for me this time around. ‘When Men Think Private Thoughts’ is a book written for men, but as the author suggests, it might be a good read for women who are trying to gain better insight into men and the things that they grapple with in their inner lives.

What is great about these books:

Macdonald writes in a way that is very easy to read – the books might be “older”, but they are still solid.

If you are looking for a way to connect with God and haven’t tried journaling – Macdonald sets out a great model of reflection and writing that has been the basis of my journaling for a long time in OYPW.

When Men Think Private Thoughts goes into all sorts of places – sexuality, fatherhood, husbands and wives, money, character, Work, Leaving a Legacy

Other related reads you might enjoy:

Who You Are When No One’s Looking- Bill Hybels

Simple Marriage – Dr. Corey Allan

Renewing Your Spiritual Passion - Gordon MacDonald

What can we apply to our lives right away:

*Men want a sense of belonging, to be valued and to be seen as competent. These 3 things are influenced by our upbringing and our relationships.

*Men need to name and acknowledge their feelings and deal with them appropriately. Many times, we don’t do it very well.  A quick script for for acknowledging your feelings: “I am (name the feeling) and here is why: _____”

*Are you a called person –relying on God for direction and then obeying that direction? Or, are you a driven person –relying on yourself to make things happen, then asking God to bless them on the backside?

*Real, authentic male to male friendships are difficult, but necessary. With all the obstacles potentially standing in the way of finding and developing friendships (because we have to seek people out, then take time to develop the relationship) many men find it easier to just rely on their wife to be their sole friend in life.

*Challenge to men: …before we listen to a man’s appraisal of his marriage (or any other relationships), better make room for a second opinion. Perhaps his wife’s? What a man’s wife becomes over the years as a result of marrying him. Has she been challenged to keep herself fresh-spirited? Is she motivated to radiate a love for life and people? Is her mind a fountain of ideas, and is any gather of people improved because of her presence? Is she a woman of deep soul, more pleasing to God, because of the man she married? – Gordon MacDonald

The Big Wrap up:

Read Ordering Your Private World if you want to focus on your inner life and help feel, and be more in tune with God.

Read When Men Think Private Thoughts to help inspire you to be a better man, or learn more about the great man you married!

(If you can’t see the video review, click over to the Marry Blogger to watch!)

Title:

Stripped Down

Author:

Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo

The Big Picture:

Stripped Down is a full on course in healthy intimacy for your marriage. My friends Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo knock it out of the park with the way they break down each type of intimacy, and help focus on each of the areas in our marriage.

What is Great about Stripped Down:

I feel that Tony and Alisa are a real couple who have figured some things out, continue to work on their marriage – and in the process, enjoy passing along what they have learned. There have been times when I read a marriage book, and it feels like the author(s) are separated from the process, that they are up on the all knowing ‘Marriage Mountain’ looking down telling you what to do better. I don’t feel that way about this book. It feels as if Tony and Alisa are real people who have put these principles to work in their life.

Placing God at the center of your relationship creates the most solid marital foundation. Once you have God as the anchor of your marriage, your spouse comes next in terms of priority. That creates a united front for your next priority: your kids. Your career comes in at number four. Maintaining this order allows you to keep your focus on the things that matter in the order that they matter. When you mix up your priorities, you venture into dangerous territory. – Alisa DiLorenzo

Other related reads you might enjoy:

Simple Marriage – Dr. Corey Allan

What can we apply to our marriages right away:

* If you feel like you are over extending yourself — going in too many directions — with kids, jobs, friends, parties, and have no time for each other, the DiLorenzo’s have a simple plan that you can apply right away: Start saying NO more often!!

* Intellectual and relational intimacy is more than “What is your schedule for today?” Take time to talk about your thoughts feelings and desires to build more intimacy into your marriage.

* You have to be on the same page financially, or your marriage could explode!

* Figure out some activities that you enjoy doing together. In this book you’ll find lists of ideas for dates – for activities that you could take up together.

We turned off the television, put on our tennis shoes, and stepped out to walk around our neighborhood. We didn’t get far that first night; after a twenty-minute walk, we were spent. But it was a start. The miles began to add up and the pounds began to drop as we explored new areas around our apartment complex. And it helped more than our weight; our walks gave us a much needed opportunity to really talk. There weren’t any distractions as we discussed the things that were going on in our lives. In the years since those evening walks we’ve found other activities we enjoy, together and on our own, but we still find time every now and then to just go for a walk. – Tony DiLorenzo

The Big Wrap up:

I think the best way to wrap up is with this quote from Alisa:

Marriage requires effort. It requires making a commitment, and not just on the day
you become husband and wife. It’s about a commitment to continually grow, to
learning about and with your spouse. And you can’t do that if you’re not making time
for each other. – Alisa DiLorenzo

I look forward to using Stripped Down as a new resource in our next marriage group at church!

(If you can’t see the video review, click over to the Marry Blogger to watch!)

Title:

Inside Out Simplicity

Author:

Joshua Becker

The Big Picture:

Joshua Becker is the founder of Becoming Minimalist, I really enjoyed his first e-book Simplify and was honored to be part of a group of bloggers who received a pre-release of his latest work – Inside Out Simplicity.

While his first e-book dealt with outside stuff, and how to simplify it, this e-book is dedicated to getting our inner life simplified and heading in a better direction.

Do not be fooled. The better life is not being mass-produced in a factory… you won‘t find it on the shelves in a department store. It has never been found there. And never will be. – Joshua Becker

What is Great about Inside Out Simplicity:

I enjoyed Joshua’s book, and what I mentioned in the video is true – I want to go back and spend some time really thinking about the principles he emphasized.

The book is only a 109 pages, so it is a quick read, but thorough. The Principles presented are simple in form, but not easy to always achieve. In the very beginning of the book, Joshua makes it clear that he doesn’t have it all figured out, but as a fellow traveler in life, these are ideals that he is shooting for in his own life.

Stop comparing yourself to others. You were not born to live their life. There is no sense wasting yours being jealous of theirs. Instead, you were born to live your life – determine today to be good at it. – Joshua Becker

The sections on “Competing Less, Promoting More” and “Forgiveness” are worth the price of the book (in my mind). I find my competitive spirit can be difficult for me – assuming that I am always in competition with others, but encouraging others and promoting them in a way, Becker says, helps us become a part of their success as well.

Other related reads you might enjoy:

Simplify – Joshua Becker

Simple Marriage – Dr. Corey Allan

What can we apply to our marriages right away:

*Realize that Relationships are what is important in life – not stuff.

* Work on Your Finances together. Becker says it well:  Dream bigger dreams for your money. Your income can be used to improve the quality of life for others. It can be used to make your community a better place to live. It can be used to deliver clean water and fresh food to a young child. Or you can use it to buy a newer car, a bigger television, or a trendier coat. Dream bigger dreams for your money than the sale rack in the department store. Find a cause that you believe in and use your finances to make a real difference in our world. – Joshua Becker

*Realize your Words Matter, and they carry significant weight in your relationships with your spouse and others.

The Big Wrap up:

Inside out Simplicity was a great read for me. Its easy to clean out closets and get rid of junk. But what happens on the inside if you have garbage and unessential stuff there keeping you from being peaceful? Joshua does a great service with this book in helping the reader begin to dump some of the unhealthy things that keep us from having an ‘inner’ simplicity. That inner simplicity can then flourish into outward choices that reflect your inward decisions.

(Video review at the Website)

Title:

Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard

Authors:

Chip and Dan Heath

The Big Picture:

Ok, Switch is actually a business book. BUT…there are many things in this book that would be helpful to think about if you want to change something in your marriage.

The Heath Brothers talk about the two sides of the Brain — the emotional and the rational side, and give them the titles “Elephant” and “Rider”. To change anything in any situation, you have to Motivate the Elephant, Direct the Rider, and Shape the Path. Luckily, those are the sections of the book as well.

The Heath brothers give great examples of how to do these 3 things in business and in life. The writing is easy to understand and the examples are fun and inspiring.

Favorite things about Switch:

I enjoy the Heath Brothers. Their first book Made to Stick should be required reading for anyone who wants to tell a story, and make it “Stick”. Switch should be required reading for anyone who wants things to change for the better.

Other related reads you might enjoy:

Made to Stick

Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again
- Mentioned in this book as a great relationship read to help get “Unstuck”

What can we apply to our marriages right away:

* Sitting down and writing out Goals for your marriage could help you get a vision for where you want to be…helping you start to change behaviors and attitudes about your relationship. (The Heath brothers call it ‘Scripting Critical Moves’)

* Notice and Remember past positives in your marriage (Called “Finding the Bright Spots)

* Build the Habit of taking Loving Actions (Build Habits)

* Surround your relationship with others who are positive influences to you and your spouse (Rally the Herd)

The Big Wrap up:

I really enjoyed this book, and think it would really do you well to read it, even though it doesn’t directly relate to marriage. The examples are very good, and it can motivate you to make positive changes in your relationship – or at least give you some tools to start!

“The professional baseball player who hits consistently over .300 will make millions, but the husband who bats .800 in all that he does may still strike out in bed…” – Dr. Earl Henslin

Ever heard the phrase “Batting a Thousand”? It means getting everything right, or being “perfect”. The term comes from baseball. I do not claim to be a super huge baseball fan, football is more my game — even then I am a fair weather fan — I still think this is a great point for our marriages.

Stay with me here… lets say a baseball player gets up to hit 10 times in a game. Every time he is at the plate, he hits the ball (which would be 10 times), in baseball terms, that would be batting 1000 (or 1.000).  That means – in Dr. Henslin’s quote above – the players who make millions, are only hitting 3 times out of ten. Yet, they are still superstars.  Put another way… they strike out 7 out of 10 times… yet, they are still a success.

What does your husband have to “score” with you to score in the bedroom?

Then there is the other number in Dr. Henslin’s quote. Your hubby might do 8 out of 10 things right around your house, but he still doesn’t get that home run in the bedroom. Why is that?

No, I don’t know your situation. But I would love for you to give this idea a chance. Here it comes. Are you ready?

Maybe you need to lower your expectation of your husbands perfection before you decide to have sex with him. I know. Thats a tough one. ‘he doesn’t do this’, or ‘he doesn’t do that’… ‘Stu, you don’t know about my relationship’… I know, I know.

But let me offer some thoughts:

Today is always a good day to begin working on your marriage. – That means stepping up and being responsible for your marriage. Your husband may not be perfect, but loving him into better behavior isn’t a bad thing (isn’t that what God did for us? Look up Romans 5:8!)

Look for his positive traits. There are things that he does that you do love (or at least, like). I heard a great tool for remembering positive traits is simply taking a piece of paper and listing the positive traits in your spouse. Carry it with you for a month, and everyday, take it out and say thanks to God for everyone of the good traits in your spouse. Try it and see what it does in your marriage!

Lower Your Expectations. We live in a culture that values performance. We always expect the best and brightest things. We then bring that expectation into our marriage, and expect the very best performance from our spouse before we are willing to perform. What if, instead of expecting them to perform well, we in turn, just loved them well…without expecting anything in return. That would be mind blowing wouldn’t it?

Coach him in your desires and needs. No, I’m not talking about nagging. I am talking about sitting down together and having a real conversation, not a snip session where nothing gets accomplished. If you sit together, make eye contact, and say ‘hey, I would love for you to do x, y, and z, that would help me feel loved by you’, that would (hopefully) put a fire in a man’s step to step up. What guy, when given a list doesn’t love to check off every item???

I’m not saying to give him a free run around the bases. I think he SHOULD be hitting at least a .300. If he’s not, perhaps you need to be taking another step in your marriage (perhaps talking to a pastor, counselor or coach).

But if Hubby has a .300 average, help him feel like a superstar player (or playa) in the bedroom!

Here’s to a home run for you tonight!

PS – This isn’t just a message for Wives…We guys have just as many expectations that we bring to the relationship as well…so, husbands don’t think you’re off the hook, these ideas can easily be applied to us as well !!

photo by Trev Stair

a post from the Beautiful Wife™

I went to “The Y” to have a health evaluation done to help me to see where I need to improve and come up with a game plan to achieve my health goals.  It’s amazing what you can learn from this type of evaluation.

Going in, I thought I knew the areas that needed improvement — was I surprised!

There were a couple of things that I guessed correctly like my weight and my blood pressure.  However  there were a couple that I completely missed.

I have always been a runner, so I believed that my lower body strength is good but my upper body strength is limited. When the trainer tested my bicep strength I was really in shock! It was the one area that I rated “excellent”!  Who would have thought?

When the trainer tested my flexibility, I thought it would be weak — but I had no idea how weak it was! The worst score I could have on their scale was a 25. I scored 26. Ouch.

Having someone evaluate and ‘test’ me , allowed me to see the results in writing.  It will also help me to to focus on weak areas and not stress about my ‘ok’ areas.

What would it look like if there was an evaluation like this for our marriages? What areas of my marriage would I excel in? What areas need improvement? What goals could I set to help me focus on weak areas?

So, I did some hunting and found some marriage evaluations for all of us to try out!

The Marriage Self-Evaluation Test

A 22 Question Marriage Quiz from Dr. John Gottman (one of the best marriage and relationship researchers out there today)

Family Dynamics has a marriage evaluation, and they also offer conferences to help your relationship.

For intimacy and Spiritual Stability, here is one from Ron Marinari.

Here’s a quick Marriage Pop Quiz to test how well you know your spouse!

I hope you have fun with the marriage evaluations… I look forward to hearing about your results!

photo by ~ggvic~

A post from the Beautiful Wife™

Recently I was talking to a friend, and she mentioned her husband’s struggle with porn.  If you read this blog often, you probably know that I could relate to her situation.

My Incredible Husband™ and I have walked through this struggle. Even though we are on the other side, I am amazed at how much I still learn about myself from reaching out to other couples in the midst of their struggles.

My friend was having a hard time figuring out a way to show grace to her husband.  She was in the ‘mad’ and ‘confused’ stage… I’ve been there, I could relate.

As we were talking I remembered that my friend has her own struggle.  Like me, she struggles with fear/anxiety — the fear of the unknown — the fear of ‘losing control’.  Her struggle has not taken the exact form as mine, but it was similar.

I asked her how her husband has walked with her during her struggle.   She mentioned how amazing, supportive and understanding he was, how well he loved her through it, even though, at times, it had affected him.

I completely understood.  I haven’t flown on a plane since before I met My Incredible Husband™.  It frustrates me that I haven’t been able to overcome that fear, but he loves me through it.   He has never made me feel bad that we drive everywhere (even when we drive 24 hours to see his family out west!).

The Light Bulb Moment

I was sitting there with her, and it hit me… I haven’t always loved My Incredible Husband™ well through his struggle… at times I was mad, confused, angry, judging… but I never asked myself this question: How is my struggle any different than his? It really isn’t. We all struggle with SOMETHING, why is it so easy for us to forget our own struggles and judge our spouses in the middle of theirs?

When my friend heard her description of how her husband had walked beside her during her struggle, I think she started to realize that she needed to treat him the way he treated her.

I hope that I can remember that the next time My Incredible Husband™ is in the middle of a struggle… I want to love him in his moment of need the way he has loved me.  I hope the next time your spouse is in the middle of a struggle, you can remember it too!

Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets. – Matthew 7.12

photo by will foster photography

Darren Rowse – over at Problogger suggested a fun challenge yesterday that I wanted to take part in — the 7 link Challenge. He gave the categories, and we were to fill in the blanks with our posts that fit the bill… so, without further ado:

7 Links for Married Couples

My First Post: 118 Fun and Easy Marriage Tips I wrote this post thinking that hundreds of thousands of people would all of a sudden flock to this blog because I made a list post!! HA! (What I didn’t know about blogging then!!) I want to flesh out all of the points and make this an e-book in the near future.

A Post I Enjoyed Writing: The Art of Making a Great Mix Tape Being a goofy kid, who grew up into a goofy DJ, I thought I should pass along my random knowledge. The media has changed, but you can still put together a cool soundtrack for your spouse!!

A Great Discussion Post: 5 Reasons Why I Should Initiate Sex With My Wife I wrote this article more than a year ago, and it still is one of the most read, and most commented on, here at TMB.

A Post I Wish I Had Written: Gosh, there are SO many great relationship writers that I am following now – to narrow down to just ONE post that I wish I had written is crazy difficult.  I think I will go with Corey Allan’s How to Have an Affair…With Your Spouse! Corey is a great writer, and always has great perspectives on how to improve our marriages.

Here’s A Post With a Great Title: Ok, I have to give it up to my Beautiful Wife™. She is the great title writer in our family. Here are two of hers: Eat Chocolate with this 30 Day Challenge and Wives: How to Never Say NO to Sex Again.

A Post I Wish More People Had Read: Porn is about the Parts This post talks a bit about my story, and encourages guys who might be struggling with porn. It is part of a series on porn and marriage that I abandoned, but need to get back to.

The Most Visited Post on The Marry Blogger: The Top 10 Marriage Blogs of 2009. My top ten list from November of 2009 continues to be found by people who are looking for terrific places to be encouraged in their marriage.  I am looking forward to updating this list later this year!

If this is your first time here at The Marry Blogger — Welcome! Please take the opportunity to get our updates in your email, or feedreader!

pic by danperry.com

We found a terrific blog yesterday celebrating marriage. The OGs (Original Grandparents), Harry and Barbara Cooper, have been married for 73 years. They live in a retirement home in Los Angeles, they blog, they make youtube videos and they write restaurant reviews!!

I want this kind of longevity in marriage!! Here is their secret about staying married for that long…

Click here to view the embedded video.

(If you can’t see the video you should really click over to see it here!)

They had a great write up from CNN.com that tells more of their story!

I hope your week is going well!

Here is a quick update with some cool happenings here at The Marry Blogger this week:

First – I wanted you to have an opportunity to read and comment on an article that I wrote that was selected for one of Yahoo!’s (or is it Yahoo’s!?) SHINE website. Please hop over there and give it a read, and offer your thoughts — It’s called 6 Reasons Your Marriage is Failing.

Second – If you have a Kindle – or know someone who does, and wants to be encouraged in their marriage – The Marry Blogger is now available for the Kindle . (You can sign up for updates from Amazon)

That’s pretty exciting if you ask me!!

A picture of TMB on Amazon’s Kindle …(if you can’t see this, please click here!)